october 1988

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UIGXTI.iARE ON PL,AI{ET EARTH: GORE, SPLATTER At{D TBE NEII NEGL,IGENCE

Proponents of anti-seguelization legislat ion (see ish 32i rrThe Seguel RightsAmendment: Can We Legislate Against Rambo VIrr?) argue that the cyclicalreappearance of indestructible horror villains such as Freddy (ttNightmare onEIm Streettt) Kreuger and Michael (rrHalloweenrr), Myers has created a mood ofpsychic hopelessness among younger generations. fn addit ion, theselnl i-seriat lobbyists maintain that by escalating the celluloid vivisectionof body parts via l imb-spli t t ing, organ-oozing cinerna exercises, audiencesare beconing hardened to deteriorating physical deformities. The result isthat we have created an audience of filmgoers who accept as inevitable thecontinuing debil i tat ion of the human race.This wretched situation is the result of several related trends. First,insurance cartels have long sought a means by which to influence juror poolsand thus place a cei l ing on product l iabi l i ty. Increasingly higherinsurance settlements in product negligence cases result from the quantungross-out factor attributed to the appearance of the victims. The handiworkof Jason, Nor-n Bates, Mikey Myers and Fab Five Freddy deadens new jurors to

Continued on Page 3

FF,OM th6 EditorThough some observers considered itrrcoincidentalrr that the Tyson-Givens marriagebreak-up coincided with the unveiling of SteveJobsr NeXT computer, the A&R Report warned backin March, L988 of the Sil icon VaIIey - WorldHeavyweight connection (see ish 18, ' fTyson v. l lDysan: The Double Density Batt le for Programmed Hard Disk noxingf').According to industry rumors, the Perot-Jobs coalition was furious withTysonrs fai lure to support erasable optical disk drives. Givenrs mother,Ruth Roper (reportedly paid through a secret IBM account) was enlisted todrive a wedge in the couplets relationship. More next ish.WRING OUT TIIE OIrD, RING fN TEE NEn - A&R exit polls demonstrated thatreaders are confused and upset by our feature, Itl{ew t fmprovedrr. Althoughwe continue to believe that: (1) God and the consurner are rronerr; and (2)eminent consumer products are a manifestation of Godrs greatness, w€ havewithheld publication of future edit ions pending an editorial board inguiryinto the Church/Press inpl ications. In place of this disputatious feature,we are resuming two previous columns, rrConsumer Astrologyit a guide to theconsumer quali t ies of various Sun signs, and rr[batrs frong Witb Me?tr, arrfeel-goodrr personal advice column about feel ing good. We hope you l ike'em, but i f you donrt, check your warranty. ---

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rrNightmarerr (Continued from Page L)

degenerative condit ions, thereby reducing potential jury verdicts.Second, international bio-tech mega-gloms (aided by pro-I i fe lobbies), whowant to advance reproductive technology and gene splicing, secretlysubsid ize the pro l i ferat ion and ser ia l izat ion of f i l rns such as t r I t rs A l ivet tI-f I I . By suspending our reali ty in the cinema, w€ suspend our horror ofrrmistakesi in the reproductive cycle. Pro-l i fe forces propagandize that'ral l l i fe is preciousrr, thereby giving credence to the underlying assumptionthat even the genetic fetal monsters of rrThe Broodrr deserve a chance tosurvive!Third, the growing potential for new diseases, viruses and cancers, combinedwith aging baby boomers desire to expand the boundaries of surgical,cosmetic and chemical age-reversal rnechanisms, raises research risks throughradical, and highly profi table, experimentation. The zombie-destructionprophecies of fihns such as the rrThe Niqht of the l,iving Deadrr trilogy servels a metaphoric Aameplan for the extermination of the aging and iI1 in the2l-st Century.Insurance mega-cartels powered by r ight wing dollars are in need of a meanstorrexcuser t the fu ture l iab i l i ty o f tox ic , nuc lear and medica l d isasters.In order to enjoy our rrfreedorn to consufi€tt, we must learn to accept themutated results of Three-Mile Island, Love Canal, Bhopal and Chernobyl. Thecontinued serial ization of gore/splatter f i lns and the unending resurrectionand unstoppable destruction of horror f i l rn anti-heroes has pounded home ametaphoric message for rrnew generationsrr - We have created the inevitabledegeneration of the human race and there is no way to stop it . Want to geta good look at the future - then shake rrhandsrr with Freddy!

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SCORPIO

Oetober 23- Novenber 22

ADVfCE - As the moon shifts into its third guarter,your revolving credit accounts will feel the lunarpuII. Remember, Scorpio, just because youtre a sunsign doesnrt mean you can play with f ire. Keep agrip on al l purchases, but specif ical ly automotiveand off ice supply i tems. The end of the month wil lbe a good t ine to buy small kitchen appliances,part icularly four-sl ice toasters, citrus juicersand mini-vacs.

cIFTg FOR A SCORPIO - When your Scorpiatic fr iendrsbirthday rol ls around, donrt waste your t ime withflattering presents. Blunt, obsessive Scorpio hasa rule rrYou canrt deposit compliments in the bankrr.So give the gift that keeps on giving - cold hardc a s h - $ 5 t s , $ t o r s o r $ 2 o t s . I f y o u m u s t b u y agift , then remember Scorpiors exotic but practicaltendencies - e.g. the Chinon 3-D SLR carnera (anddonft forget some free f i lm-developing), DlesaBoogie power tubes, or the Plasma Art ttEye of theStormrr (recently reduced to $SS1.

FAI,IOUS SCORPfO CONSUITERS - The Scorpio consumer isstubborn, obsessive and overbearing - pablo rrDonrtCalI Me An Assholetr Picasso, Marie tr let Them EatCroissantstr Antoinette, and Johnny itBippy/BurbankrlCarson.

I

? a"iarne

rrHe Has a Sick Feel incrr l

Dear A&R:

I have a s ick fee l ing in mystomach al l day. At night, Ican bare ly s Ieep. I f I wakeup, I s tay up for hours. Ican ' t t o le ra te any th ing . Isee those s igns tha t say r ILove" w i th the hea r t and Ifee l nervous. Any noise int h e n e i g h b o r h o o d m a k e s m ea n g r y . S o m e t i m e s I t h i n kt h a t n y e a r s a r e h e a r i n ge v e r y t h i n g l o u d e r . W h a t r sw r o n g w i t h m e ? N a p p y a n dUnhappy in Buffalo.

Dear Nappy : The re ' s no th ingwrong wi th you. Everyth ingis get t ing louder . Those r r ILove r r s igns a re nausea t ing .P e o p I e a r e p r o b a b l yconspir ing against you. Theyde l i be ra te l y t ake advan tageo f a l l o f y o u r w e a k n e s s e s .Our adv i ce rnake l o t s o fnoise yoursel f . Conspi ratorsw i l l t h i n k y o u a r e o n e o fthem.

rghe Eats A Lotr t

Dear A&R:

I e a t a I o t . I e s p e c i a l l yI ike to eat food that has ap e r s o n ' s n a m e . F o r e x a m p l e ,f o r b r e a k f a s t I l i k e A u n tJ e m i m a P a n c a k e s a n d J i m m yD e a n s a u s a g e . S o m e t i m e s I

try to match names like to haveM r s . P a u I f i s h s t i c k s w i t h[Paul ] Newman,s sauce on i t . orB e n & J e r r y I c e C r e a m a f t e rU n c l e B e n ' s R i c e . f r m g e t t i n gvery fat. Whatts wrong with me?Getting Fatter in Cali fornia

Dear GF : The re ,s no th ing wrongwith you. Eventually your bodym a y b e i n s e r i o u s p h y s i c a ldanger but as long as you fee lgood , go fo r i t !

rrHe Hates Artr l

Dear A&R:

I can ' t r e la te to a r t . I hea rmus ic bu t I j us t w i sh someonewould turn i t o f f . I s tare atpa in t i ngs and f ' d j us t as soonl o o k a t t h e w a I l . I s t h e r e abook that can help? Whatrs wrongw i t h m e ? G o i n g C r a z y i nMinnesota.

Dear GC: Therets noth ing vr rongw i t h y o u . A l o t o f f a m o u speople hated art and music. Gowith your feel ings.

WHAT's WRONG WITH YOUi

I f y o u f e e I t i k e s o r n e t h i n g , sw r o n g w i t h y o u , s e n d u s y o u rle t ters and we' I l keep them ins t r i c t e s t c o n f i d e n c e ( u n l e s sthey're so pathetic that we haveto show them to a few f r iendsfor some laughs) . Mai l to A&R,P . O . B o x 2 2 1 - L 3 , S u n s e t , S . F . C A9 4 1 - 2 2

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