--I -

- L l l , - -

{-t{ErI I

D F

REPORTBox 22113 ,OFTEN Iil ERROR - NEVER IN DOABT, c A 9 4 1 2 2

r , L 9 8 Happy Ha oween

UIGXTI.iARE ON PL,AI{ET EARTH: GORE, SPLATTER At{D TBE NEII NEGL,IGENCE

Proponents of anti-seguelization legislat ion (see ish 32i rrThe Seguel RightsAmendment: Can We Legislate Against Rambo VIrr?) argue that the cyclicalreappearance of indestructible horror villains such as Freddy (ttNightmare onEIm Streettt) Kreuger and Michael (rrHalloweenrr), Myers has created a mood ofpsychic hopelessness among younger generations. fn addit ion, theselnl i-seriat lobbyists maintain that by escalating the celluloid vivisectionof body parts via l imb-spli t t ing, organ-oozing cinerna exercises, audiencesare beconing hardened to deteriorating physical deformities. The result isthat we have created an audience of filmgoers who accept as inevitable thecontinuing debil i tat ion of the human race.This wretched situation is the result of several related trends. First,insurance cartels have long sought a means by which to influence juror poolsand thus place a cei l ing on product l iabi l i ty. Increasingly higherinsurance settlements in product negligence cases result from the quantungross-out factor attributed to the appearance of the victims. The handiworkof Jason, Nor-n Bates, Mikey Myers and Fab Five Freddy deadens new jurors to

Continued on Page 3

FF,OM th6 EditorThough some observers considered itrrcoincidentalrr that the Tyson-Givens marriagebreak-up coincided with the unveiling of SteveJobsr NeXT computer, the A&R Report warned backin March, L988 of the Sil icon VaIIey - WorldHeavyweight connection (see ish 18, ' fTyson v. l lDysan: The Double Density Batt le for Programmed Hard Disk noxingf').According to industry rumors, the Perot-Jobs coalition was furious withTysonrs fai lure to support erasable optical disk drives. Givenrs mother,Ruth Roper (reportedly paid through a secret IBM account) was enlisted todrive a wedge in the couplets relationship. More next ish.WRING OUT TIIE OIrD, RING fN TEE NEn - A&R exit polls demonstrated thatreaders are confused and upset by our feature, Itl{ew t fmprovedrr. Althoughwe continue to believe that: (1) God and the consurner are rronerr; and (2)eminent consumer products are a manifestation of Godrs greatness, w€ havewithheld publication of future edit ions pending an editorial board inguiryinto the Church/Press inpl ications. In place of this disputatious feature,we are resuming two previous columns, rrConsumer Astrologyit a guide to theconsumer quali t ies of various Sun signs, and rr[batrs frong Witb Me?tr, arrfeel-goodrr personal advice column about feel ing good. We hope you l ike'em, but i f you donrt, check your warranty. ---

fcl 19gg- A&R

ffffi;tffilj$' near\ blinde/ry r\ccrefi f l

Mice..

-gdhsre,

One -11 me.t lT

NYC(P,s. 0o ,lo,

'

?now ho* lalurn a ducK'rfto

a eovlsnger? P,ttf rn {trs

microwort€

tiifd,":,1

Lq{tv l'loriortvr (in +inhr Donltrna lp l ' , ,n tPt^ I | +Too*s/ )

You wonha gq.t buT y nrcan+. You ulll'haft ut'Lf

buT y oy

h

ffi'�4*x:'ffi}n"$r?Ofrcohrnentfn4 {ttlg ..\'u5t lilo

l t r{ hatp J4^9 {, ' , , r , 'n-,^rhn +t L L L r r t r r l \ \ r r U t r t l t r t U ; r J - - ' , I

ult \ot fif lgr5o who +Dld K.tl$*b'\'-u5 +o 5ee 'ft. ;w!,1*+;)/

rrNightmarerr (Continued from Page L)

degenerative condit ions, thereby reducing potential jury verdicts.Second, international bio-tech mega-gloms (aided by pro-I i fe lobbies), whowant to advance reproductive technology and gene splicing, secretlysubsid ize the pro l i ferat ion and ser ia l izat ion of f i l rns such as t r I t rs A l ivet tI-f I I . By suspending our reali ty in the cinema, w€ suspend our horror ofrrmistakesi in the reproductive cycle. Pro-l i fe forces propagandize that'ral l l i fe is preciousrr, thereby giving credence to the underlying assumptionthat even the genetic fetal monsters of rrThe Broodrr deserve a chance tosurvive!Third, the growing potential for new diseases, viruses and cancers, combinedwith aging baby boomers desire to expand the boundaries of surgical,cosmetic and chemical age-reversal rnechanisms, raises research risks throughradical, and highly profi table, experimentation. The zombie-destructionprophecies of fihns such as the rrThe Niqht of the l,iving Deadrr trilogy servels a metaphoric Aameplan for the extermination of the aging and iI1 in the2l-st Century.Insurance mega-cartels powered by r ight wing dollars are in need of a meanstorrexcuser t the fu ture l iab i l i ty o f tox ic , nuc lear and medica l d isasters.In order to enjoy our rrfreedorn to consufi€tt, we must learn to accept themutated results of Three-Mile Island, Love Canal, Bhopal and Chernobyl. Thecontinued serial ization of gore/splatter f i lns and the unending resurrectionand unstoppable destruction of horror f i l rn anti-heroes has pounded home ametaphoric message for rrnew generationsrr - We have created the inevitabledegeneration of the human race and there is no way to stop it . Want to geta good look at the future - then shake rrhandsrr with Freddy!

y.rhat ?,tf"i,ffi1 €tdni+ohl -nd) +

r r t t + + + - Neor D rand'|,,/a^t?roducfs :

,t*v'tuil' is hrtingFOS th; Past few monthq I have

How do-T&tiid to,

*. ooo, t o-'"nylon/LycraTspandex-backed bra? -

Maggie P., IndianaPolis

- r l "JoKef 's Pr.ide

ffn all-

+ +

-+

L

GALLI]IG Att BABY TEETH !Send us your child's babY tooth

IFROTT T(lP TEETH |ITLYIThis unique European Creation is now availableto you.

"TlnI Teeth Inc." will create this adorablekeepsake tooth charm lor you as pictured below."ifi ' H,,ft'{,lfiiril',iil: $m*-

Send check or money order & $2.00 shipping & handling t0:IltlY TEtTll ttl0.. P.0. Bor 439, Woodmers, ilY 11598

Chain not included. Allow 46 weeks lor delivery'Please enclose name, address & h0th. Srthtrctlon 0u.rmlrod 0r rul[nd.

Nol responsible tor l06t or damaged l00th.'Goldmastets - Ceasars 8ay Bazaar

873 gay Parkway . Brooklyn. iler Yott

_'l

{,}

J

_l

T.

Now Ava,lable

fi ca{ftine Rinse*o\cr body sprt3 Pr^1.

fr Coffee Lozengesf.,-+

+? \et.ret€en fi coloqne(or Ynen . S me lls'ltkr,

gasoltne + 6'166fine'

+

a

B

fligrf ouf shoNfoom' Asr {"c llus'

t J Ot t

. a

t t

@

7^ \-JrW,lm'CogtuvT�"^^ pif nno

/^

thisqrr,r'5'1uglla I lour €en / M'cVtlaqe-fo lf owrnq rpecr{[4!oq' Ue n--

- . J | ^ScrccnrdS

'of .'C ip.t on yorf. Grc.rqJ

$ 57Ap?1988

ffi*++++ /+ l* t+ \

\ . ' n (

):'& *"Q'''i$i

+++++***+

Fus't

coN MER frSTrorrgcv

jlJ.t-t;, i r

SCORPIO

Oetober 23- Novenber 22

ADVfCE - As the moon shifts into its third guarter,your revolving credit accounts will feel the lunarpuII. Remember, Scorpio, just because youtre a sunsign doesnrt mean you can play with f ire. Keep agrip on al l purchases, but specif ical ly automotiveand off ice supply i tems. The end of the month wil lbe a good t ine to buy small kitchen appliances,part icularly four-sl ice toasters, citrus juicersand mini-vacs.

cIFTg FOR A SCORPIO - When your Scorpiatic fr iendrsbirthday rol ls around, donrt waste your t ime withflattering presents. Blunt, obsessive Scorpio hasa rule rrYou canrt deposit compliments in the bankrr.So give the gift that keeps on giving - cold hardc a s h - $ 5 t s , $ t o r s o r $ 2 o t s . I f y o u m u s t b u y agift , then remember Scorpiors exotic but practicaltendencies - e.g. the Chinon 3-D SLR carnera (anddonft forget some free f i lm-developing), DlesaBoogie power tubes, or the Plasma Art ttEye of theStormrr (recently reduced to $SS1.

FAI,IOUS SCORPfO CONSUITERS - The Scorpio consumer isstubborn, obsessive and overbearing - pablo rrDonrtCalI Me An Assholetr Picasso, Marie tr let Them EatCroissantstr Antoinette, and Johnny itBippy/BurbankrlCarson.

I

? a"iarne

rrHe Has a Sick Feel incrr l

Dear A&R:

I have a s ick fee l ing in mystomach al l day. At night, Ican bare ly s Ieep. I f I wakeup, I s tay up for hours. Ican ' t t o le ra te any th ing . Isee those s igns tha t say r ILove" w i th the hea r t and Ifee l nervous. Any noise int h e n e i g h b o r h o o d m a k e s m ea n g r y . S o m e t i m e s I t h i n kt h a t n y e a r s a r e h e a r i n ge v e r y t h i n g l o u d e r . W h a t r sw r o n g w i t h m e ? N a p p y a n dUnhappy in Buffalo.

Dear Nappy : The re ' s no th ingwrong wi th you. Everyth ingis get t ing louder . Those r r ILove r r s igns a re nausea t ing .P e o p I e a r e p r o b a b l yconspir ing against you. Theyde l i be ra te l y t ake advan tageo f a l l o f y o u r w e a k n e s s e s .Our adv i ce rnake l o t s o fnoise yoursel f . Conspi ratorsw i l l t h i n k y o u a r e o n e o fthem.

rghe Eats A Lotr t

Dear A&R:

I e a t a I o t . I e s p e c i a l l yI ike to eat food that has ap e r s o n ' s n a m e . F o r e x a m p l e ,f o r b r e a k f a s t I l i k e A u n tJ e m i m a P a n c a k e s a n d J i m m yD e a n s a u s a g e . S o m e t i m e s I

try to match names like to haveM r s . P a u I f i s h s t i c k s w i t h[Paul ] Newman,s sauce on i t . orB e n & J e r r y I c e C r e a m a f t e rU n c l e B e n ' s R i c e . f r m g e t t i n gvery fat. Whatts wrong with me?Getting Fatter in Cali fornia

Dear GF : The re ,s no th ing wrongwith you. Eventually your bodym a y b e i n s e r i o u s p h y s i c a ldanger but as long as you fee lgood , go fo r i t !

rrHe Hates Artr l

Dear A&R:

I can ' t r e la te to a r t . I hea rmus ic bu t I j us t w i sh someonewould turn i t o f f . I s tare atpa in t i ngs and f ' d j us t as soonl o o k a t t h e w a I l . I s t h e r e abook that can help? Whatrs wrongw i t h m e ? G o i n g C r a z y i nMinnesota.

Dear GC: Therets noth ing vr rongw i t h y o u . A l o t o f f a m o u speople hated art and music. Gowith your feel ings.

WHAT's WRONG WITH YOUi

I f y o u f e e I t i k e s o r n e t h i n g , sw r o n g w i t h y o u , s e n d u s y o u rle t ters and we' I l keep them ins t r i c t e s t c o n f i d e n c e ( u n l e s sthey're so pathetic that we haveto show them to a few f r iendsfor some laughs) . Mai l to A&R,P . O . B o x 2 2 1 - L 3 , S u n s e t , S . F . C A9 4 1 - 2 2

'$'HOT & HAPPENING

ItII

JII

tth is Iw k t

tlastwk

lO Scrricsf

fuK -- h - lg - !I!: i :r- r r r -r r - r r r l r r r r f , !

III oqer \r

ian Bar- 6- Qre.lhe Park at ttiht

#For h lhe llaco i T I

I *Hai jtr Street frre (rAo',srFd')"G"tain' Drivers

{T2 n J',

$ 3 n Tuna, uilhTofua i | - /

f

v

Ja "Tv 20' GablctilfCrow t his beother on !7,Fn.

REPORT

le'ool

\{e;OFTEN T/V ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBT'