nonviolent communication - gamestorming barcelona session

Non Violent CommunicationA way of peaceful, honest, heart-based communication

@jaumejornet

Thank you

Conscious Communication

A way of thinking

A manual for building harmonious relationships

What I want in my life is compassion,a flow between myself and others basedon a mutual giving from the heart.

- Marshall B. Rosenberg

Words are windows, or they’re walls

“I feel so sentenced by your words,I feel so judged and sent away,Before I go I’ve got to knowIs that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,Before I speak in hurt or fear,Before I build that wall of words,Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,Things that mean so much to me,If my words don’t make me clear,Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,If you felt I didn’t care,Try to listen through my wordsTo the feelings that we share.”

—Ruth Bebermeyer

Communication that blocks Compassion

Moralistic judgements

Analysis of others are expressions of our own needs

and values

Making Comparisons

Comparisons are a form of judgement

Denial of Responsability

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with

language that acknowledges choice.

Vague, impersonal forces “I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history “I drink because I am an alcoholic.” The actions of others “I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority “I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure “I started smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations “I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” Gender roles, social roles, or age roles “I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” Uncontrollable impulses “I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.”

The NonViolent Communication

Process

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Two parts of NVC

1. expressing honesty through the four components

2. receiving empathically through the four components

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Observing without evaluating

“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” – J. Krishnamurti

Observing without evaluatingCommunication Example of observation with

evaluation mixed inExample of observation separate from evaluation

1. Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator accepts responsibility for the evaluation

You are too generous. When I see you give all your lunch money to others I think you being too generous.

2. Use of verbs with evaluative connotations

Doug procrastinates. Doug only studies for exams the night before.

3. Implication that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible

She won’t get her work in. I don’t think she’ll get her work in. or She said, “I won’t get my work in.”

4. Confusion of prediction with certainty

If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.

If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health may be impaired.

5. Failure to be specific about referents

Minorities don’t take care of their property.

I have not seen the minority family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.

6. Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made

Hank Smith is a poor soccer player. Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games.

7. Use of adverb and adjectives in ways that do not signify an evaluation has been made

Jim is ugly. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

Feelings vs Non-Feelings

“I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.”

“I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.”

“I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”

“I think feel that you should know better.” “I think feel like a failure.” “I think feel as if I’m living with a wall.”

“I think feel I am constantly on call.” “I think feel it is useless.”

“I think feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I think feel my boss is being manipulative.”

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Taking responsibility of our feelings

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but

not the cause

We experience positive feelings when our needs are meet, and

negative feelings when our needs are not met

Four options for receiving messages

Blaming ourselves

Blaming others

Sensing our own feelings and needs

Sensing others’ feelings and needs

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Needs are personal

Difference between a request and a demand

Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all

preconceived ideas and judgments about them

No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (a) observing, (b) feeling,

(c) needing, and (d) requesting.

Clearly expressing how I amwithout blaming or

criticizing

Empathically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism

OBSERVATIONS

What I observe that does or does not contribute to my well-being:

"When I (see, hear)

What you observe that does or does not contribute to your well-being:

"When you see/hear FEELINGS

How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation what I observe

How you feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation what you

observe

NEEDS

What I need or value than causes my feelings

What you need or value than causes your feelings

REQUESTS

Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life

without demanding

Clearly requesting that which would enrich your life

without demanding

The concrete actions I would like taken:

“Would you be willing to…?”

The concrete actions you would like taken:

“Would you like…?”

Thank you

Non Violent CommunicationA way of peaceful, honest, heart-based communication

@jaumejornet