knowing when to ask for help

IEEE ENGINEERING MANAGEMENT REVIEW, VOL. 32, NO. 4, FOURTH QUARTER 2004 131

Knowing When to Ask for Help

—EILEEN L. BERMAN

IEEE DOI 10.1109/EMR.2004.838263

ONE OF MY clients called to tellme that John, her husband, wasvery upset about not being able toget his lawyer to respond to him.She explained that John had madeseveral calls to his lawyer over thepast few months in order to retrievesome promised documents but hehad not answered or respondedto any of his requests. Since shewas worried that her husband wasgetting so angry about this that hewould make the wrong move, shesuggested that he come to see meto find a way out of this impasse.

After talking with John, I set up anappointment to see him the verynext day. When he walked into myoffice he let me know immediatelythat this was his wife’s idea and hecouldn’t imagine how I could helphim. It was obvious he was a manof action and this situation wasgiving him a great deal of stress.

“There’s only one way to solvethis,” he said rather brusquely andangrily. “I have to complain to hissenior partners about him and getthis guy to send me the papers Ihave been waiting for. This hasbeen going on for four months andno matter how many times I call,he simply does not reply.”

“Well, let’s hear the story first andthen we’ll see what choices youhave.”

“You sound like my wife. There isonly one choice,” said John, hisvoice rising. “I have to call themanaging partner and complain.How many times am I supposedto call? We had just concludedsome contractual work and hewas supposed to send me thedocuments on April 2nd. I waitedthe month out and they nevercame. So in May I called and,believe me, I was very calm andnice about it. I simply askedhis secretary to ask her boss to

send all the documents to me aswe had decided a month before.She said she would do that butnothing was sent. So I called at thebeginning of the next month andthe month after that with the samerequest, never getting angry, andit’s now four months later. . .fourtelephone calls, a number of voicemails, e-mails and a formal letterrequesting he send the documents.And still no response. I’m reallyfrustrated and downright angry asI don’t know how to manage thisanymore short of calling one ofthe partners and letting him knowthat this guy is irresponsible and Iwant someone to take care of thisfor me.”

“Do you think he might be sickand no one is telling you?”

“How could he be sick when he’salways at a meeting every time Icall?” John’s voice was rising andhe sounded as if he was gettingexasperated with me.

“Well, I wonder if when you callagain you might ask if he is sick asyou find this atypical behavior andthere must be a legitimate reasonfor it.”

“Atypical behavior? How the heckdo I know if it’s ‘atypical’ whenI really don’t know this guy verywell and, besides, if he is sick thenthey’ve been lying to me the wholetime and I’m going to tell themthat!”

“Well, let’s not call them liars. Ifhe is ill and doesn’t want anyoneto know about it for fear it mightjeopardize his career, then youmight want to query his secretary.”

“If that’s true, then she’s beenlying to me and I still will go to themanaging partner!”

John’s anger and persistence wereproving to be difficult to contain.I realized this fellow was quickly

132 IEEE ENGINEERING MANAGEMENT REVIEW, VOL. 32, NO. 4, FOURTH QUARTER 2004

getting out of control. How was Igoing to get him to listen—calmlyand rationally—to a solution?

“John, I ’m sure this is veryfrustrating for you but I don’t thinkgetting this guy in trouble with hismanaging partner is going to helpyour relationship with this firm.”Before he could interrupt, I quicklysaid, “Besides, I have an idea thatmay work”

He looked at me, anger andchallenge in his eyes, as he silentlydared me to find a workablesolution!

“I think you should call hissecretary—once more—and, first,inquire as to whether your lawyeris ill. If she says he is not, thenyou can continue and tell her thatyou are extremely frustrated athis not calling you back on theseveral occasions that you havetried to reach him over the pastfew months. You thought he mightbe sick because you can find noother rational explanation for thiskind of behavior. Then you launchinto your solution: you expecthim to mail all the documentsto you by tomorrow afternoon sothat they will be in your office onFriday. You also want her—thesecretary—to call you tomorrowafternoon and tell you that theyhave been mailed. Then you mightask her if she thinks, given thehistory of this and your endlesspatience, that this is an unfairrequest.”

At this point, he interrupted andquite angrily said, “What makesyou think this is going to workwhen it hasn’t worked all thesemonths? And when this doesn’twork, what’s the next step?”

“Let’s give this a chance before wediscuss any ‘next step.’ By puttingin a firm date—a deadline that isimmediate—you put him underpressure to send the documents toyou. You have never said to himbefore—send these by date certain.So now you are going to do that.”

Not in the least satisfied or calmeddown, he said at the same decibellevel, “I want to know what thenext step is when this doesn’twork! What do I do when thesedon’t come?”

“Let’s wait and see. If they don’tcome, we’ll discuss a next step. Fornow, let’s do this.” And I repeatedthe recipe.

Standing up, I concluded theinterview, suggesting he call hislawyer and do as I advised. “But,”I cautioned him, “wait until youhave calmed down so you do notantagonize the secretary. By askingher if she thinks your deadline isvalid, you are enlisting her on yourside and she will be instrumentalin seeing that her boss complieswith your wishes. We don’t wantto jeopardize that resource. As forthe ‘next step’ we’ll face that afterthis step has been concluded. Butbear in mind that this present stepof deadline setting is crucial to theaccomplishment of your objectivewhich is to get the documents.”

When he finally left, somewhatcalmer although still verbalizingthe lack of a “next step,” I feltreasonably certain that he woulddo as I suggested. I also knew thatgiving him a specific tool—likedeadline setting—would put himin control of this interaction,something which was lacking withevery telephone call he made. I alsoknew I didn’t want to discuss any“next step” as I felt this would becounterproductive to his carryingout this very important first step:the setting of a specific immediatedeadline date so that nothingcould or should intervene betweenthe asking and the doing.

While this was not an “easy” clientbecause of the level of anger andfrustration he showed, somethingtangible was accomplished. By notconfronting the emotionality andstaying with a specific solution,I sent him off with a task inhand, however reluctant he wasto do it this way. His anger wouldhave sent him down the wrong

path and I felt that by focusingon the anger nothing would beaccomplished. Instead, I decided togive him a definitive plan and notget caught up in his frustration.I was able, therefore, to put thishighly controlling man in controlof a situation which, from hisperspective, he had no control overwhatsoever. Needless to say, hislack of control was the underlyingreason for his anger. I also thoughthe felt demeaned in asking for helpand wanted to prove that he reallyknew what to do contrary to whatI thought.

On Thursday afternoon, I receiveda telephone call from John tellingme he had just heard from thesecretary that everything was inthe mail and he should be receivingit the next day. When I expressedpleasure at this outcome, hisparting shot was, “Well, we’ll see.”

On Friday, John left me a messagetelling me that the documents hadarrived. Mission accomplished.

What is there to learn from thisanecdote? There are so manyfacets to it that I shall attempt topick out the most salient ones tohighlight and discuss.

First, this executive needed to bein control. As long as he felt hehad control of this situation, hecould stay balanced. However, hesaw this problem as beyond hiscontrol. This lawyer fellow simplywas out of reach! How do you dealwith non-responsiveness? Ratherthan step back and figure out whathe had to do to get his documents,he continued to make the sametelephone call month after monthwith no change in the scenario.His inability to get what hewanted—which was not somethingoutlandish—was getting to him. Ashe told me during the interview, inhis company he could get people todo his bidding because he was incharge! Here, he felt powerless.

Second, John found asking forhelp from a consultant demeaning.He exerted every effort to takecontrol of the interview by asking

KNOWING WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP 133

me to go beyond where I wishedto go. By doing this, he washoping I would arrive at thesame conclusion he had—callthe managing partner—therebynullifying any value I might haveadded to our consultation. By notsuccumbing to this, I became theobject of his anger. By standingfirm, however, and not letting hisanger get in the way, we arrived ata rational and definitive plan.

Third, the objective had to bekept in focus. What did he wantto accomplish? He wanted hisdocuments. By complaining to themanaging partner, he would onlyincur the wrath of his attorney

which really was not part of theobjective.

Fourth, and most important,this man had a difficult time inlistening. Peter Drucker, in anarticle written for the Wall StreetJournal (Manager’s Journal—June1, 2004, The Rules of ExecutiveClass), said at the end of the piece:

“I’m going to throw in one final,bonus practice. This one’s soimportant that I’ll elevate it toa rule: Listen first, speak last.”

John was so intent on venting hisanger that he lost sight of whyhe came to me in the first place.

He put every barrier in the way ofsolving this problem as painlesslyas possible. We never really didhave a discussion as he was muchtoo angry to enter into a giveand take which required lots oflistening and very little speaking!

A fifth one, which I’ll “throw in” ishumility. When you’re stuck, youneed to figure out what kind ofhelp you need to solve a problem.And then, most importantly, youneed the humility to seek it out!

Eileen L. Berman, Ed.D., is a practicing psychologist and consultant in East

Greenwich, Rhode Island. She is also the author of two books, “Dealing Effectively

with Job Loss” and “Building Productivity: 18 Blueprints for Success.” You may e-mail

her at eileen22@juno.com with comments and suggestions.