handling difficult conversations

Sponsored by:A Service

Handling Difficult Conversations

Judith Katz

October 12, 2011

Advising nonprofits in:

• Strategy

• Planning

• Organizational Development

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Handling Difficult Conversations

by Judith Katz, M.S.with selections adapted from “simple practices for complex times”

by Carol Wolfley

www.judithkconsulting.com

About me

Connection Action Projectwww.Facebook.com/connectionaction

Bay Nature Institutewww.BayNature.org

www.judithkconsulting.comjudith@judithkconsulting.comTwitter: @katzjudith

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage

your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how

smart you are, you are not going to get very far. - Daniel Goleman, author, psychologist, and science journalist

“The best organizations and the ones that survive economic tsunamis are those with empathic cultures

and managers who are able to step outside themselves and walk in someone else's shoes.”

- Dev Patniak, Author Wired to Care, Founder, Jump Associates

Our ability to relate with others corresponds to our success as individuals and organizations.

The rise of social media requires managing new types of conversations.

It is estimated that 85 percent of people experience conflicts at work (Volkema and Bergmann 1989).

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

- Albert Einstein

(This includes difficult conversations.)

So when we face a difficult person or situation …

Things we do in challenging situations that make things worse

• Blame “You made me…”

• Shame

• Criticize

• Label

• Threaten

• Moral judgments

• “Should”

Commonly used conflict resolution options. - Try to force outcomes

- Submit

- Compromise, or

- Avoid the problem.

-(These can just make things more difficult.)

But instead, we can choose to . . .

CONNECT

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by psychologist and international peacemakerMarshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

1. OBSERVATION2. FEELINGS3. NEEDS4. REQUESTS

Four steps of NVC

This framework helps make a difficult conversation into an

opportunity.

1. Observation

Distinguish between facts and judgments.

For example

• Your information about that is different than mine.

• He said, “I’m going to lead all the meetings.”

• I have a different way of seeing it.

Instead of

• You’re wrong.

• He’s bossy.

• That’s stupid.

2. Feelings

delightedhappy

gratefulhopeful

surprisedcurious

concernedfrustrated

disappointed confused

unsure

Am I feeling _____________?Are you feeling ___________?

Partial List of Feelings

angry annoyed

sad lonely scared

doubtful affectionate

3. Needs

In every moment, each of us is trying to meet our needs in the best way we know how.

– Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

claritycreativity

participationunity

predictabilitypeace

freedomto be heardappreciation

understanding

effectivenesstrustease

connectionto matter

consideration

Am I wanting _____? Are you wanting _____?

funordersafetyrest

hopecontribution

Universal Needs (partial list)

Strategies are ways we try to meet our needs

Strategy

• Talk behind the person’s back

• Try to convince the person

• Go to the person’s supervisor

• Ignore the conflict

• Use one’s own authority to settle the issue

• Discuss the issue with people outside of work

Possible underlying needs

• Companionship, belonging, ease

• Understanding, shared reality, connection

• Effectiveness, clarity , trust

• Ease, peace, predictability

• Clarity, effectiveness, ease

• Understanding, connection, trust

4. Requests

Risk making a request

• Be specific (i.e., time & place) • Ask for what you want, rather than what you don’t want• Say why it’s important to you (need)• Stay open to hearing a “no”

You could say

I’m concerned about this project. Would you be willing to call me about it tomorrow?

Would you be willing to speak more quietly?

I’m wondering if you could type the minutes during the next meeting because it’s important for me to be able to read them in their entirety.

Instead of

You should stay in contact with me about this.

Stop talking so loud!

Your handwriting is terrible!

Examples of Requests

Request connection

Use requests that help you to connect with the other person.

For example:

• I’m wondering if you are willing to hear what’s coming up for me as you’re saying this?

• I’m guessing this situation may be frustrating for you; is that right?

• For clarity, can you tell me whether or not you agree with this proposal?

by Eric P

eacock

Example 1: A “difficult conversation” with the boss about workload

• Observation: You are putting in 1-2 extra unpaid hours every day for the last month.

• Feeling: Frustrated, concerned, overwhelmed

• Needs: Rest, appreciation, support

• Request: (to boss) “I’ve been working 1-2 extra unpaid hours every day for the last month. I’m needing support and I’m wondering if you would be willing to hire a part-time assistant as we enter the busy season.”

Example 2: A “difficult conversation” about accountability

• Observation: Last week, your employee said that they were going to update the website by Friday, and it’s still not done.

• Feeling: Irritated, stressed

• Need: Integrity, support, trust

• Request: “George, my memory is that last week you said you were going to update the website by Friday, and today I see that it’s still not done. It’s important to me that we fulfill our commitment to our clients. Would you be willing to update it by the end of the day today?”

Example 3: A “difficult conversation” with a “difficult person”

• Observation: Your colleague starts talking before you are finished with what you’re saying.

• Feeling: Frustrated, angry

• Need: To be heard, respect, contribution

• Request: “Jill, when you started talking before I finish what I’m saying, I feel frustrated. I’d like to be heard on this point, and I’m wondering if you would be willing to let me finish what I’m saying – won’t take more than a minute – before you start speaking again.”

Reflect what you’ve heard

- Can I tell you what I heard you say, so I can be sure I got it?

- I’d like to be clear. Did you say that you want to meet on Wednesday, but not on Friday?

Check to make sure you understand what the speaker is trying to say.

When you say “no” to a request…

Share the need you are hoping to meet by your choice.

I’m regretting that I won’t be helping with this. I have a prior commitment to my family today.

I’m not ready to support your proposal. I plan to get more information to reach a decision.

And when someone tells you “no”…

www.judithkconsulting.comP

Explore what’s going on for them.

Are you not getting this done because you want to finish the other job first?

Welcome diverse perspectivesStudies have shown that greater diversity leads to more successful, resilient

organizations. Value inclusion and mutual understanding of perspectives that may be influenced by race, income level, gender, age, religion, and national origin.

We gain power by learning how we can work to meet everyone’s needs.

While most people agree that listening effectively is a very important skill, most people don't feel a strong need to improve their own skill level.

These tools help build sustainable, trusting relationships.

Steps to handling a difficult conversation

• Pause. “Don’t just do something, sit there.”

• Distinguish between observations & opinions

• Gain awareness of feelings (yours & theirs)

• Gain awareness of needs (yours & theirs)

• Make specific, doable requests

• Reflect what you’ve heard

• Find the “yes” behind the “no”

• See the gift we each bring to the conversationwww.judithkconsulting.com

Further Resources

For a free consultation, contact: judith@judithkconsulting.com, or

call 650/303-4237

For more information about Nonviolent Communication and Dr.

Marshall Rosenberg, including finding NVC courses: www.cnvc.org,

Email cnvc@cnvc.orgPhone: 1-818-957-9393

For copies of the booklet “Simple Practices for Complex Times”

email connectionaction@gmail.com

Find listings for our current season of webinars and register at:

NonprofitWebinars.com

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