Handling Difficult Conversations:

Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High

What is a Difficult Conversation?

– Stakes are high

– Opinions vary

– Emotions run strong

How can we respond?

• Avoid them

• Face them and handle them poorly

• Face them and handle them well

Ironically…

• The more difficult the conversation

• The less likely we are to handle it well

Why is this?

• We hold onto it until…

– We drop a bomb

Negative Defaults

• Silence

• Violence

How do we escape this dynamic?

• Stay in dialogue

• Fill the pool of shared meaning

– Ideas, theories, thoughts, that are openly

shared

– The group’s IQ

Filling the Pool

• The more water the better

• Use wisdom and discernment

• Where have you seen this approach

used?

Start with Heart

• Work on Me First

• Change of Heart > Change of Motive

• How to Stay Focused on What You Really

Want

Learn to Look

• How to notice when safety is at risk

Silence

– Types of Silence

• Masking

• Avoiding

• Withdrawing

Violence

• Any verbal strategy that attempts to

convince, control, or compel others to your

point of view:

– Controlling

– Labeling

– Attacking

Look for your own style under

stress• What is your style under stress?

Making It Safe to Talk about Almost

Anything • Not the content, but the conditions

• The conditions we want to create:

– Mutual purpose

– Mutual Respect

CRIB to get Mutual Purpose

• Commit to seek a mutual purpose

• Recognize the purpose behind the

strategy

• Invent a mutual purpose

• Brainstorm new ideas

Staying in Dialogue When We

are…• Angry, Scared, or Hurt

– Master your story

• Victim

• Villain

• Helpless

STATE your Path

• How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

– Share your facts

– Tell your story

– Ask for other’s paths

– Talk tentatively

– Encourage testing

Explore Others’ Paths:

• How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

• Power listening tools: AMPP

– Ask to get things rolling

– Mirror to confirm feelings

– Paraphrase to acknowledge the story

– Prime when you’re getting nowhere

When it’s your turn to talk…

• Remember your ABC’s• Agree. When you do

• Build: When something has been left out

• Compare: When you differ

Move to Action

• Four methods of decision making

– Command

– Consult

– Vote

– Consensus

Make a Plan

• Who

• What

• When

• Set a follow up

• Record the commitment

• Hold people accountable

The Big Takeaways

• Learn to Look

• Make it Safe

Resources

• Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler, Crucial

Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High,

New York : McGraw-Hill, ©2002.