embracing the challenging behavior
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Embracing the Challenging
Behavior Child and Parent
By Linda Ranson Jacobshttp://blog.dc4k.org
www.divorceministry4kids.com
http://blog.dc4k.org/http://www.divorceministry4kids.com/http://www.divorceministry4kids.com/http://blog.dc4k.org/ -
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Learn
ToLaugh
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Look Familiar?
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Orchard Gardens K-8
A Turnaround SchoolBoston Public Schools
Fired security guardsGot rid of 80% of teachers
Hired teachers that could adapt ASAP
Extended day 7:30-5:30Changed attitudes
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ACEs Too High
Lincoln High School - toxic stress
damages kids brains
If you want to change a kids
behaviors - change the adults
responses!
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Adverse Early
Childhood Experiences
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ACEs at work
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Stressed & challenging
my friend Collin
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Opportunity
Examine what is working
Think about what you need to change
Take away new ideas
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Give yourself permission tosay,
It is okay!
I didnt know what I didnt
know
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There is no one size fits
all Matthew 8:16 Demon possessed
Matthew 9:6 Lame man Mark 8:22-23 Blind man
Each child is an individual
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He went back to teaching by the sea. Acrowd built up to such a great size that he
had to get into an offshore boat, using the
boat as a pulpit as the people pushed tothe waters edge.
Mark 4:1 (Message)
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Basic facts about
children of divorce Want attention
Uncooperative kids = hurting kid
Appear to be disrespectful
Some are parenting younger siblings
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James 4:1-2What causes fights and quarrels among
you? Dont they come from your
desires that battle within you? You
want something but dont get it.
You will and covet, but you
cannot have what you want.
You quarrel and fight.
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Relating James to the
child of divorce
# 1 thing a kids wants parents together
What adults do children will do
Kids are reacting to the situation
Try to control but it is a connection issue
Connection = impulse
control
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Causes for kids reactions
Doesnt feel safe Chaos / no consistent schedule
Fear of unknown
Nervous energy
Nutritional issues
Sleep deprivation
Other?
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Rethinking the issue
If you have raced with men on foot andThey have worn you out, how can you
compete with horses? Jeremiah 12:5
Change your mind-set
Develop new skills
Ask God for wisdom Learn to accommodate
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Change the mind-set
Children who are misbehaving areseeking external regulation.
Heather Forbes
Stress causes distorted thinking
Behavior becomes their voice
Kids are doing the best they can to survive in the moment
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Learn to accommodate
Adjust reactions in response to needs
Adjust your response to
meet each childs need
Broken arm or broken heart
They both hurt
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Mistakes Weve Made
Firmness instead of tenderness
Time out when they really need to take
a break
Rewarding good behavior
How we worded things assertivevoice
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Time out
Childs self talk says
1.Im going to hit her tomorrow
1.What did I do wrong
1.Like Im going to sit here quietly
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Reward systems
Rewards are based on adults judgment
Thinking skills are affected
Learn other control
Why try
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Reward systems cont.
We should want kids to do things because
1.Intrinsic value
2.Feels good under the skin3.Feels natural
4.Feels like it is right
It is okay to CELEBRATE
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Safety issue
Safekeeper talk
Im the safekeeper and its my job tokeep you safe.
Know what your job is?
To help me keep things safe.
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Tips that work
Who is in control?
Rehearsing and practicing
Use the childs name
Help child make commitment
Use assertive voice not wimpy
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Assertive Voice
Name ..Verb
David .Walk to the curb
Kyra ..Listen to the story
Sam Finish your snack
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Reframing
How could you be helpful?
What would help you get started?
What could you do to solve this problem?
Whats your plan?
When you _____, then you may ______
Is _______ being safe? What could besafe for you and others?
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Giving choices
Offer 2 or three positive choices If you offer a positive and a negative
choice that is manipulation
If you choose to ______ then ____ will
happen. Do you understand?
Tell children what you want them to do.
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More mistakes weve made
Im sorry you cant _________
I need for you to ___________
I want you to __________
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Praising children
Describe childs action instead of praising
Generic praise doesnt work
Comes across as judgmental
Dont feel worthy of praise
Think if they act bad enough
May set out to prove you wrong
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Sample Phrases
Oh well
Bummer
Whats your plan?
You did it
Shrug your shoulders
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Childrens Behavior
Becomes Their VoiceWhen they
Dont feel safe
Dont feel loved Are confused
Are unsure of the
future
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Tips & Techniques
Relationships are of utmostimportance
Get to know each child
- Last names - all last names
Joshs story
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Other Tips
Kids feel powerless - offer choices
Know your agenda
Never ask a question you know the
answer to
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Whirlwind Kids
Cover up for intense pain Nervous energy
Fear of feelings
Nutritional issues
Lack of sleep
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Disruptive
Operating from the lower level of the
brain
Their power has been taken away
Disorganized life style
Reacting to perceived perceptions
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Aggressive
Lower levels of serotonin in the brain
Provide schedules and post them
Speak clearly and in short phrases
Dont be critical of behavior but set firm
limits
Help them feel safe
Dont crimp on space
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These children are valuable
gifts
They teach us valuable lessons
Improve your program / ministry Show weaknesses in your ministry
Teach you to care deeply
P i l S l i
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Practical Solutions to
Practically Every Problem
Although you may feel that this challenging child
has come into your life just to make you
miserable, he has not. He is acting the best and the only way he knows.
Understanding the challenging child will help you
feel positive, empathetic, and loving towards him,
which may be the single most important thing youcan do to reduce the behaviors. Be the Jesus
hands and feet this child needs.
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Together we can reach the heights of excellence
and perform the extraordinary.
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A child of divorce?
Could this be a child in your church?
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This or
Or this
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Let my teaching fall l ike rain and my wordsdescend l ike dew, l ike showers on new grass,
l ike abundant rain on tender plants.Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)
Or this.
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Data CardFill out the data card and give to volunteer
Write Blogin the corner if you want to follow
What was helpful?What was missing?
What will you do differently at your
church?
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