conflict anatomy of peace

Conflict - Anatomy of PeaceConflict - Anatomy of Peace

Tong Ka Io

2011.07.12

提綱提綱1. 理論知識

2. 個人體驗

3. 問題子女

4. 和平的心

5. “同謀”

6. “在箱子裏”

7. 和平金字塔

8. 總結

1. 1. 理論知識理論知識

© 2005 Prentice Hall Inc. All rights reserved.

衝突衝突 衝突的定義 (Conflict Defined)

一項過程，始於甲方認為已受到或即將受到乙方的負面影響，且這樣的影響正是甲方所關注的。

衝突必須為當事人所知覺，若沒有察覺到衝突，那麼這項衝突就不算存在。

衝突與團隊績效衝突與團隊績效

良性衝突 (Functional Conflict)

支持團體目標並增進團體績效的衝突。

© 2005 Prentice Hall Inc. All rights reserved.

惡性衝突 (Dysfunctional Conflict)

妨害團體績效的衝突。

衝突處理意圖衝突處理意圖

以上是有關衝突的理論知識以上是有關衝突的理論知識這些知識十分重要和有用這些知識十分重要和有用但不是今天我們要談的內容但不是今天我們要談的內容

2. 2. 個人體驗個人體驗

衝突的多層結構衝突的多層結構

3. 3. 問題子女問題子女

The Arbinger Institute. 2006. The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict. Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

““Enemies in the Desert”Enemies in the Desert” A story about a wilderness program for

troubled teens called Camp Moriah ……

Deeper MattersDeeper Matters “They (children) are not my primary

concern.”

“Who is, then?”

“You (parents) are.”

“Why are we your primary concern?”

“Because you don’t think you should be.”

“He (child) is a problem. He needs to be fixed in some way – changed, motivated, disciplined, corrected.”

“You’ve tried that?”

“Of course.”

“Has it worked? Has he changed?”

“Not yet.”

“You don’t think your program will work?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On you (parents) .”

“If that (child change) is what you want, there is something you need to know.”

“What’s that?”

“If you are going to invite change in him (child) , there is something that first must be change in you (parents) .”

4. 4. 和平的心和平的心

Kingdom of Heaven

Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn Yūsuf ibn Ayyūb (1138-1193) 1187 年，萨拉丁集结力量进攻十字军中最强的耶路撒冷王国。 7 月 3 日，萨拉丁在太巴列湖

西岸附近的海廷包围了十字军。阿拉伯军队点燃十字军营地周围的灌木丛，浓烟熏得十字军喘不过气来。十字军没有水喝，极度干渴。太巴列湖虽近在咫尺，但是他们却无法冲破阿拉伯军队的包围。在盛夏的酷热中，大批十字军士兵渴死和热死。 4 日清晨，十字军将领雷蒙率领骑士发起冲锋，萨拉丁命令军队留出一条缝隙，让他们逃走，然后再合围，将全部耶路撒冷步兵包围起来。最后，耶路撒冷的十字军几乎被全歼。穆斯林军队俘虏了十字军统帅居伊 · 吕西尼安，打碎了十字军鼓舞士气的“真十字架”。随后，萨拉丁在居伊许诺不再与穆斯林对抗后便将其释放。耶路撒冷王国已经无力抵挡萨拉丁。经过 13 天的围攻，耶路撒冷投降。 1187 年9 月 2 日，萨拉丁选在登霄节这一天进入耶路撒冷，以纪念先知穆罕默德在耶路撒冷登霄。

与 88 年前十字军攻克耶路撒冷时大开杀戒形成鲜明的对比，萨拉丁进入耶路撒冷没有杀一个人，没有烧一栋房子。根据受降时签订的协议，耶路撒冷每个男人要缴纳 10 第纳尔赎金，每个女人缴纳 5 第纳尔，儿童 1 第纳尔；无力缴纳的人则成为奴隶。萨拉丁免去了 7000 穷人的赎金。萨拉丁的弟弟向萨拉丁要了 1000 名奴隶，随即将他们释放。耶路撒冷主教也随即效仿，向他要了 700 名奴隶然后释放。最后，萨拉丁自己宣布释放了所有战俘，不要一分赎金。在十字军占领期间，阿克萨清真寺被改为圣殿骑士团的总部，磐石清真寺成了教堂。萨拉丁将它们恢复为清真寺。磐石清真寺金顶上的十字架被拆除，宣礼的声音再次回荡在阿克萨清真寺的上空。有人向他建议拆毁耶路撒冷的圣墓大教堂，萨拉丁没有同意。相反，他将耶路撒冷的圣地向所有宗教开放。

“He (Saladin) was something more than or deeper than strong.”

“What was it? This something extra, this something deeper.”

“The most important factor in helping things go right.”

“Which is?”

“The secret of Saladin’s success in war was that his heart was at peace.”

“So the secret to war is to have a heart at peace?”

“Yes, and not just in war. It is the secret to success in business and family life as well. The state of your heart toward your children – whether at peace or at war – is by far the most important factor in this intervention.”

A storyA story

5. 5. ““ 同謀”同謀”

Duel at the mall

QuestionsQuestions Who is right?

Who wins?

Have you ever done something similar?

CollusionCollusion A conflict where the parties are inviting

the very things they’re fighting against.

CollusionCollusion This insanity prevails in large areas of our

lives. It describes much of what happens between

Spouses who are struggling

Parents and children who are battling

Coworkers who are competing

Countries that are fighting

Right and WrongRight and Wrong “Have you ever been in a conflict with

someone who thought he was wrong?”

“No, but that doesn’t mean they’re not.”

“True. But no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.”

“But what if I’m not wrong!”

“If you are not wrong, then you will be willing to consider how you might be mistaken.”

We are so unaccustomed to considering the impact of what is below our words, our actions, and our thoughts.

If I don’t remain open to how I might be mistaken in this deeper way, I might live out my life convinced I was on the right side of a given conflict, but I won’t have found lasting solutions.

6. 6. ““ 在箱子裏”在箱子裏”

The right wayThe right way The deepest way in which we are

right or wrong is in our way of being toward others.

René Descartes: Cogito ergo sum (“I think therefore I am.”)

Martin Heidegger: Being in the world with others.

Martin Buber: There are basically two ways of being in the world

I-Thou way: we can be in the world seeing others as people

I-It way: we can be in the world seeing others as objects

The ChoiceThe Choice

People Objects

• Heart At Peace• Being Responsive

• Heart At War• Being Resistant

Behavior

Way Of being

Seeing people as peopleSeeing people as people One way of being is to see others as they are –

as people

I am responsive to their reality – their concerns, their hopes, their needs, their fears

Others are as real to me as I am to myself

Seeing others truly, I am true and have a heart-at-peace

Seeing people as objectsSeeing people as objects The other way is to see people as objects –

obstacles, vehicles, irrelevancies

I am resistant to their reality

If I see others at all, they are less than I am – less relevant, less important, less real

Seeing people as less than they are, I am deceived about their reality

Seeing others falsely, I am false and have a heart-at-war.

Don’t confuse with hard and softDon’t confuse with hard and soft Way of Being is deeper and more

important than behavior

There are two ways to do almost any behavior (hard or soft)

The way of being determines influence

The foundational problem in our homes, our workplaces, and our battlefields is that our hearts are too often at war – that is, we too often insist on seeing people as objects. And one warring heart invites more “object-seeing” and war in others.

“Sometimes we don’t choose war. Rather, it chooses us.”

“Yes. Sometimes we might be forced to defend ourselves. But that is a different thing than saying that we are forced to despise, to rage, to denigrate, to belittle. No one can force a warring heart upon us. When our hearts go to war, we ourselves have chosen it.”

The Path to WarThe Path to War At every moment, we choose the Way of

Being

Honoring our sense and desire to see people as people and remaining true and at peace

Betraying this sense and desire and putting ourselves in the Box in order to justify this self-betrayal

Self-betrayalSelf-betrayal this act of violating

my own sensibilities toward another person – causes me to see that person or persons differently, and not only them but myself and the world also

The BoxesThe Boxes The BETTER-THAN box

The I-DESERVE box

The WORSE-THAN box

The MUST-BE-SEEN-AS box

Heart at WarHeart at War When our hearts are at war, we not only invite

failure, we invest in it

A resistant Way of Being or a violent heart will bring violence and pain into our family, work and social life

An outward act of violence is actually a symptom of this deeper violence

There is no real or lasting solution to outward violence without a solution to this deeper violence

7. 7. 和平金字塔和平金字塔

A Strategy of PeaceA Strategy of Peace The Change Pyramid – guides all

attempts to get others to change or improve.

The Peacemaking Pyramid – change from war to peace – first within us, and then without.

What would be a problem is to insist that others need to change while being unwilling to consider how we ourselves might need to change too.

You’d only invite them to war with you.

To the extent I’m in the box toward others, my beliefs about their need to change might actually be mistaken.

The most important part of helping things go right is getting out of the box ourselves.

Correction alone rarely gets others to change.

Any correction at work will be for naught if the people I am trying to correct lack the information they need to perform their jobs.

It is no good trying to teach if I myself am not listening and learning.

If we are sure about others’ need to change but are unwilling to let what we learn from them inform changes in us as well, how much change are well likely to invite?

If my relationship with the people who work for me is poor, what impact do you think that might have on my ability to learn from them and the effectiveness of my teaching?

There is much you don’t know about your child, much that he has not shared with you. Your learning has been stunted as a result, and your effort to teach and correct have therefore been undercut as well.

The parents must build relationships with those who have influence with their children, beginning with their spouse.

Failure at one level of the pyramid always undermines success at each of the levels above it.

If I’m sure I’m right, there is little hope of seeing where I am failing. So I keep trying the same old things and I keep getting the same outcomes.

One the one hand , I hate it, but on the other hand, I get my justification, which is what I most want when I’m in the box.

My need for justification blinds me to all kinds of possibilities.

The first 4 levels are all concerned with helping things go right

If we try to correct our children when the other elements of the pyramid are not in place, our correction will always be wrong

If my correction of mychildren isn’t working

The solution is not to trystill more methods of correction, but to do abetter job of teaching

When we seem to locatea problem at one level of the pyramid we should always look below it for the solution

If my teaching isconsistently falling flat

The solution is not to teach more, but to buildbetter relationship

When we seem to locatea problem at one level of the pyramid we should always look below it for the solution

If I seem unable to buildthe right kind of relation-Ship with my children

I had better look at myrelationship with myspouse

When we seem to locatea problem at one level of the pyramid we should always look below it for the solution

If my relationship with myspouse isn’t what itshould be

What does that reveal about my personal wayof being?

When we seem to locatea problem at one level of the pyramid we should always look below it for the solution

A storyA story On a Friday night, the author got home

and was shocked to find

His two sons (14y and 11y) went over to the pool hall to play pool

Father’s choicesFather’s choices

How to correct my sons?

Go get themimmediately

Wait for themto come home

Make absolutelyclear that it is

totally unacceptable

Father’s choices

New alternativeNew alternative Say nothing to them

Cancel all Friday night commitments

Go to play pool with sons

Confirm what the father envisioned

Observe sad sight and desperate loneliness

Smell so much of smoke

The resultThe result They went on 3 consecutive Fridays

On the 4th Friday

Father said: “You know something, guys? I don’t think we should play pool anymore.”

Sons answered: “Okay, Dad.”

Father’s choicesFather’s choices

How to correct my sons?

Go get themimmediately

Wait for themto come home

Make absolutelyclear that it is

totally unacceptable

Father’s choices

How to help things go right?

Build relationship Teach

Locating the Peace WithinLocating the Peace Within Recovering inner clarity and peace

Getting out of the box

Staying out of the box

Getting out of the boxGetting out of the box1. Look for the signs of the box (blame,

justification, horribilization, common box styles, etc.).

2. Find an out-of-the-box place (out-of-the-box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.).

3. Ponder the situation anew (i.e., from this out-of-the-box perspective). Ask …

ASK …ASK … What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens,

and pains?

How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?

In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?

In what ways are my better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, and must-be-seen-as boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?

What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?

I still saw my sufferings, but I was able to see the sufferings of others as well.

Since I no longer needed to feel justified, I no longer needed to sustain my own sufferings, and I could lay down my victimhood.

I began to see possibilities – potential solutions to our problems.

Your questions about others will break you free from your justifications and blame. For a while you will be able to see and feel clearly and to find a way forward that you hadn’t before seen.

Staying out of the boxStaying out of the box4. Act upon what I have discovered; do

what I am feeling I should do.

8. 8. 總結總結

The Peacemaking PyramidThe Peacemaking Pyramid

Dealing with things that are going wrong

Helping things go right

LESSON 1LESSON 1 Most time and effort should be spent at

the lower levels of the pyramid.

Where circumstances are such that we choose to engage in correction of some kind, the lower levels of the pyramid become even more important.

Correction is by nature provocational.

LESSON 2LESSON 2 The solution to a problem at one level of

the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.

We drone on in an attempt to correct the problems we have created by droning on!

LESSON 3LESSON 3 Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level

of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid – my way of being.

Anything I do to build relationships, to learn, to teach, or to correct can be done either in the box or not.

One way invites cooperation, the other invites resistance and sows the seeds of its own failure.

The Arbinger Principles of Non-ViolenceThe Arbinger Principles of Non-Violence

1. Every human being is a PERSON—a being with hopes, needs, cares, and fears.

2. When we regard others’ hopes, needs, cares, and fears as inferior to, or less legitimate than, our own, we see others as less than they are—as objects rather than as people.

3. To see a fellow person as an inferior object is to harbor a violent heart toward that person.

The Arbinger Principles of Non-ViolenceThe Arbinger Principles of Non-Violence

4. No matter our outward behavior, we end up communicating how we feel about others. To see others as objects, then, is to do violence to them—it is to swing at them with our hearts.

5. When others detect violence in our hearts, they tend to become defensive and to see US as objects. Violence in one heart provokes violence in others.

The Arbinger Principles of Non-ViolenceThe Arbinger Principles of Non-Violence

6. Most occasions of outward violence are manifestations of a prior, and often escalating, conflict between violent hearts. And attempts to curb violence, if done with a violent heart, actually provoke further violence.

7. Any effort to reduce outward violence will succeed only to the extent that it addresses the prior and core problem—the problem of violent hearts.

人生公式人生公式