commando diplomacy:building skills and tolerance for having difficult conversations and making real...

Commando Diplomacy

Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress

By Meg Delaney and Amy HartmanToledo-Lucas County Public Library

Says WHO?

Meg: Main Library Manager

◦ Covering things we can do as individuals

Amy: Collection Development Librarian,

Union Negotiator, Facilitator

◦ Covering things we can do as part of a

group

What can we do?

Fixing other people?

Understanding our own issues

Keeping expectations realistic

Confronting (productively!) rather than

avoiding

Never Forget: QTIP

Quit Taking It Personally

Refocus Conversation

Forward Move toward results

Try not to move backward toward

◦ Real slights

◦ Perceived slights

Taking the Long View

The secret of a drama-free work life

Treat others as you’d like to be treated

Face-saving techniques

Remember: We are each other’s

patrons

Success Lives Within

Being fully present

Achieving honest dialog, preserving

relationship going forward

Choosing your response

Visualize success

Have a Mentor/Ventor

Joys of working with passionate

people…

Filter/siphon off unproductive feelings

◦ Personally and Professionally

Keep focused on the real issues

Mapping conversation for

success Preparation for calming a tense

situation

◦ Stay calm; avoid anger in your actions or

words

◦ Stick to the facts

◦ Ask for the other person’s

perspective or opinion

◦ Propose your solution

◦ Ask for the other person’s buy-in

Prep for a One-on-One

MeetingNotes for a meeting :

• My critical needs in this meeting

period:

• What’s new:

• Status on continuing projects:

• How can I help you?

• My own professional development:

Expanding sphere of

influence Maintain common sense etiquette

Stay w/in bounds of professional

ethics

Rely on facilitation skills

Stay above the fray/Objectivity

◦ 5,000 feet

◦ Congruence with values/beliefs

◦ Avoiding the “gotcha”s

Putting it together :

Preparation The Clerk/Shelver

◦ Before conversation

Map facts

Get Supervisor on Board

Anticipate and prepare for negativity

Have the conversation

Share proposed solution w/ other appropriate

staff for buy-in

Putting it Together: the Event

Clerk/Shelver

◦ Actual Conversation

Who should be there?

Where should it happen?

Follow “Script”

Putting it Together: Follow-up

Clerk/Shelver

◦ Post-conversation

Give and get feedback

“Test case” – what can be tweaked?

Catch good habits, praise and encouragement

for job well done

Dealing with Drama Bible

Drama Roles

Complainer - whining, waffling,

resignation

Cynic – Discounting, sniping,

withdrawing

Controller – Steamrolling,

micromanaging, impatience

Caretaker – Overcommitment, conflict

avoidance, rescuing

Complainer

Acknowledge w/o agreement

◦ “I hear what you’re saying”

Appreciation

◦ Value in their contribution

◦ Reassure them of your confidence in

them and their capacity to develop

Cynic

Show interest in their area of expertise

◦ Praise novel thinking

Express confidence in their abilities

◦ Invite them to share wisdom and

experience

◦ Honor them for welcoming the ideas of

others

Controller

Honor their initiative and

their desire to do the right thing

Demonstrate delegation and share

benefits of empowering others

Make boundaries clear

Caretaker

Commend projects completed in a

timely manner, tough decisions made,

or specific boundaries they’ve

observed

Let them feel connected, graciously

receive their praise

State how much you appreciate when

they set boundaries and make tough

decisions.

Handling Emotion

Acknowledge & avoid

ridicule/judgment

Take a break

Sometimes, venting can be useful

◦ System-wide forums for Big Issues

Magic Formula

2 + 1 + 1

◦ Two positive comments

Plus

◦ One “difficult” issue

Plus

◦ One positive follow-up

Dealing with Larger Groups

The uses and abuses of committees

Role of group leaders

◦ Focus on task

◦ Encourage participation

◦ Keep track of duties/results

Preparing for Difficult

Meetings Clear Agenda

Timeframes?

Agree to Norms and Guidelines: One meeting – keep on track

Agree to Disagree – beware of

interpretation/attack

Participate openly and honestly

Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality

Hanging issues/Parking lot

Ideal Behaviors to Agree

Upon Talk Straight/Create Transparency

Demonstrate Respect and Loyalty

Confront Reality

Practice Accountability and keep

commitments

How to Map a Meeting for

Success Give a face-saving out

◦ Avoid righteous indignation, no matter

how smugly satisfying

Balance a difficult request with a “gift”

– support you can offer to get the

outcome you want

Anticipate negativity

or contrary points

of view

Chart

Whole group can see ideas

Removes personal “ownership”

Seeing angry words can help diffuse

Focuses attention

Action items & responsibilities clear for

all to see.

Consensus

Point of maximum agreement so that

action can follow.

Buy-in and support are essential for

successful implementation of any plan

Consensus is best when:

The solution is not obvious

The solution impacts more than one

person

Time is available for thoughtful

discussion

Commitment to the

solution is important

The Numbers Behind

Consensus 70% Comfort Level

◦ Level at which all members “comfortable”

Can agree for the most part w/ decision

no serious disagreement

◦ 70% agreeable,100% committed

Even if the decision isn’t exactly what one

would choose, all will support it with positive

communications/actions

Benefits of Achieving

Consensus Process was fair

Understand decision criteria

Opportunity to be heard

“No” is okay, but alternatives must be

identified/explored

Conflict can be healthy, Q-TIP

Before leaving a meeting

Recap, noting what was covered,

action items, assigned responsibility,

time frames/deadlines posted where

all can see and agree on.

Celebrate accomplishments, no matter

how small (beware irony/cynicism)

The End?

Success stories?

Troubleshooting?

Bibliography handout online

meg.delaney@toledolibrary.org

amy.hartman@toledolibrary.org