commando diplomacy:building skills and tolerance for having difficult conversations and making real...
TRANSCRIPT
Commando Diplomacy
Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress
By Meg Delaney and Amy HartmanToledo-Lucas County Public Library
Says WHO?
Meg: Main Library Manager
◦ Covering things we can do as individuals
Amy: Collection Development Librarian,
Union Negotiator, Facilitator
◦ Covering things we can do as part of a
group
What can we do?
Fixing other people?
Understanding our own issues
Keeping expectations realistic
Confronting (productively!) rather than
avoiding
Never Forget: QTIP
Quit Taking It Personally
Refocus Conversation
Forward Move toward results
Try not to move backward toward
◦ Real slights
◦ Perceived slights
Taking the Long View
The secret of a drama-free work life
Treat others as you’d like to be treated
Face-saving techniques
Remember: We are each other’s
patrons
Success Lives Within
Being fully present
Achieving honest dialog, preserving
relationship going forward
Choosing your response
Visualize success
Have a Mentor/Ventor
Joys of working with passionate
people…
Filter/siphon off unproductive feelings
◦ Personally and Professionally
Keep focused on the real issues
Mapping conversation for
success Preparation for calming a tense
situation
◦ Stay calm; avoid anger in your actions or
words
◦ Stick to the facts
◦ Ask for the other person’s
perspective or opinion
◦ Propose your solution
◦ Ask for the other person’s buy-in
Prep for a One-on-One
MeetingNotes for a meeting :
• My critical needs in this meeting
period:
• What’s new:
• Status on continuing projects:
• How can I help you?
• My own professional development:
Expanding sphere of
influence Maintain common sense etiquette
Stay w/in bounds of professional
ethics
Rely on facilitation skills
Stay above the fray/Objectivity
◦ 5,000 feet
◦ Congruence with values/beliefs
◦ Avoiding the “gotcha”s
Putting it together :
Preparation The Clerk/Shelver
◦ Before conversation
Map facts
Get Supervisor on Board
Anticipate and prepare for negativity
Have the conversation
Share proposed solution w/ other appropriate
staff for buy-in
Putting it Together: the Event
Clerk/Shelver
◦ Actual Conversation
Who should be there?
Where should it happen?
Follow “Script”
Putting it Together: Follow-up
Clerk/Shelver
◦ Post-conversation
Give and get feedback
“Test case” – what can be tweaked?
Catch good habits, praise and encouragement
for job well done
Dealing with Drama Bible
Drama Roles
Complainer - whining, waffling,
resignation
Cynic – Discounting, sniping,
withdrawing
Controller – Steamrolling,
micromanaging, impatience
Caretaker – Overcommitment, conflict
avoidance, rescuing
Complainer
Acknowledge w/o agreement
◦ “I hear what you’re saying”
Appreciation
◦ Value in their contribution
◦ Reassure them of your confidence in
them and their capacity to develop
Cynic
Show interest in their area of expertise
◦ Praise novel thinking
Express confidence in their abilities
◦ Invite them to share wisdom and
experience
◦ Honor them for welcoming the ideas of
others
Controller
Honor their initiative and
their desire to do the right thing
Demonstrate delegation and share
benefits of empowering others
Make boundaries clear
Caretaker
Commend projects completed in a
timely manner, tough decisions made,
or specific boundaries they’ve
observed
Let them feel connected, graciously
receive their praise
State how much you appreciate when
they set boundaries and make tough
decisions.
Handling Emotion
Acknowledge & avoid
ridicule/judgment
Take a break
Sometimes, venting can be useful
◦ System-wide forums for Big Issues
Magic Formula
2 + 1 + 1
◦ Two positive comments
Plus
◦ One “difficult” issue
Plus
◦ One positive follow-up
Dealing with Larger Groups
The uses and abuses of committees
Role of group leaders
◦ Focus on task
◦ Encourage participation
◦ Keep track of duties/results
Preparing for Difficult
Meetings Clear Agenda
Timeframes?
Agree to Norms and Guidelines: One meeting – keep on track
Agree to Disagree – beware of
interpretation/attack
Participate openly and honestly
Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality
Hanging issues/Parking lot
Ideal Behaviors to Agree
Upon Talk Straight/Create Transparency
Demonstrate Respect and Loyalty
Confront Reality
Practice Accountability and keep
commitments
How to Map a Meeting for
Success Give a face-saving out
◦ Avoid righteous indignation, no matter
how smugly satisfying
Balance a difficult request with a “gift”
– support you can offer to get the
outcome you want
Anticipate negativity
or contrary points
of view
Chart
Whole group can see ideas
Removes personal “ownership”
Seeing angry words can help diffuse
Focuses attention
Action items & responsibilities clear for
all to see.
Consensus
Point of maximum agreement so that
action can follow.
Buy-in and support are essential for
successful implementation of any plan
Consensus is best when:
The solution is not obvious
The solution impacts more than one
person
Time is available for thoughtful
discussion
Commitment to the
solution is important
The Numbers Behind
Consensus 70% Comfort Level
◦ Level at which all members “comfortable”
Can agree for the most part w/ decision
no serious disagreement
◦ 70% agreeable,100% committed
Even if the decision isn’t exactly what one
would choose, all will support it with positive
communications/actions
Benefits of Achieving
Consensus Process was fair
Understand decision criteria
Opportunity to be heard
“No” is okay, but alternatives must be
identified/explored
Conflict can be healthy, Q-TIP
Before leaving a meeting
Recap, noting what was covered,
action items, assigned responsibility,
time frames/deadlines posted where
all can see and agree on.
Celebrate accomplishments, no matter
how small (beware irony/cynicism)
The End?
Success stories?
Troubleshooting?
Bibliography handout online