a review of on grief and grieving: finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss

Counseling and Values ■ April 2007 ■ Volume 51 235

Book Reviews

© 2007 by the American Counseling Association. All rights reserved.

A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Reviewed by Lori A. Bolden

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Scribner, 235 pp., $25.00 (softcover). ISBN: 0-7432-6628-5.

The late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler joined efforts for asecondtimeincoauthoringOn Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Withthisbook,theauthorsdefine

griefanddescribewhatthegrievingprocessmaylooklikeforindividualswhohaveexperiencedthelossofalovedone.Becauseindividualsdonotfullyknoworfearhowdeeplyaffectedtheymaybebysomeone’sdeath,theextentoftheirgriefisunknown.Becauseofthepainanddiscomfortdeathmaybring,individualsaresometimesquicktodismissgriefandhesitanttotrulybewithandsupportsomeonewhoisgrieving.Intheirbook,Kübler-RossandKesslerattempttoshedlightongrief,thegrievingprocess,andhowitmanifestsitselfinindividuals.Withthiswrittenexploration,theauthorsalsolessenthefearsurroundingdeathandtheresultinggrief.Subsequently,On Grief and Grieving servesasaresourcenotonlyfor thepersonwhoisgrievingbutalsoforthatindividual’snetworkofsupport,includingfamily,friends,andcounselingprofessionals.

Thepremiseofthisbookrests inKübler-Ross’spreviousworkandbookOn Death and Dying, whichproducedthewidelyknownstagesofdeathanddying:denial,anger,bargaining,depression,andacceptance.InOnGrief and Grieving,Kübler-RossandKesslertransferthesestagestotheexperienceofthosewhoaremourningsomeonewhohasdied.Inthefirstchapter,titled“TheFiveStagesofGrief,”theauthorstakethereaderthroughthestagesofloss,providingaframeworkforwhichonedealswiththedeathofalovedone:

1. Denial.Peoplebelievethattheirlovedonehasdied,buttheirdenialissymbolicinthattheycannotbelievethattheirfriendorfamilymemberwillnot,forexample,becallingtosayhelloorreturningfromworkatacertaintime(p.8).

Lori A. Bolden, Division of Student Affairs, Lehigh University. Correspondence concerning this review should be addressed to Lori A. Bolden, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA 18015 (e-mail: lob3@lehigh.edu).

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2. Anger.Aperson’sangerisdirectedatthepersonwhodiedoratoneselfforbeingunabletopreventhisorherlovedone’sdeath.Theauthorscontend thatonce individualsare in this stage, they recognize theirabilitytogetthroughthisdifficulttime.

3. Bargaining.Kübler-RossandKesslertalkaboutthe“whatif”and“ifonly”mind-setwhereinindividualswhoaregrievingbelievethattheymayhavebeenabletocontrolandthuspreventthelossoftheirfamilymemberorfriend.

4. Depression. Inthisstage, theauthorsdiscussthenormalcyof feelingdepressedandaffirmtheideathatsuchfeelingsarenecessaryforthehealingprocesstobegin.

5. Acceptance. Atthisstage,individualsareatapointwheretheyrecognizethecurrentstateoftheirlives,withouttheirlovedone,astherealityandcanlivewiththatunderstanding.

Havingdescribedthestagesofgrief,Kübler-RossandKesslermoveontodiscusstherealityanddepthoflossinthesecondchapter,“TheInnerWorldofGrief.”Throughaseriesofspecialtopics,readersareshownthefaceofgriefforindividualswhoarecopingwithloss.Asanexample,theauthorsspeak about the sense of relief that grieving individuals may feel after afamilymemberhassuccumbedtoalengthyillness.Onecanreadaboutthesignificanceofcryingasawaytodealwithsadness.Kübler-RossandKessleralsotalkaboutmultiplerolesthatindividualsholdinlifeandtheneedtomournthelossofthepersonandthosemanyroles.Onthetopicoflifebeliefs,onereadsabouthowdeathcanshakepeople’sideasaboutwhatlifeshouldbelike.Astheauthorsexplain,individualsmaythinkthateveryoneshouldlivealonglife,thusthedeathofachildwouldbeexceptionallyshocking.Kübler-RossandKesslercontendthatthelossoflifeshouldbemourned,aswellasthepriorlifebeliefthatpeopleonlydiewhentheyareold.

Inthethirdchapter,“TheOuterWorldofGrief,”theauthorssharethe“ex-ternalpartofloss”(p.115)andhowitmanifestsitselfinpeople’sactionsandcustoms.Oneseesthatgriefdoesnotendatdealingwiththelossofalovedonebutextendstoallaspectsofthegrievingindividual’slife.Kübler-RossandKesslersharestoriesaboutindividuals’copingwithholidays,aswellastheanniversaryofsomeone’sdeath.Theydiscusshowone’ssexuallifemaychange,aswellastheimportanceofattendingtoone’sownhealth.Kübler-RossandKesslerexploretheconceptoffindingclosuretomeanthatalovedone’sdeathisputintoperspectivesothatonecanlivewiththeloss.

Thedetailssurroundingone’sdeathcansignificantlyaffectthewayinwhichindividuals grieve. In “Special Circumstances,” the authors describe whatindividualsmayexperiencefromavarietyofperspectives.Theytalkofhowchildrengrieveandhowdeathmaybeexplainedtoandinterpretedbythem.Theshameoftenassociatedwithasuicidedeathisalsoexplored.Theauthorsprovidesupportiveinsightforcopingwithmultipledeaths,aswellaslossoflifeasaresultofdisaster,Alzheimer’sdisease,andsuddendeath.

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Intheclosingchaptersof“MyOwnGrief,”theauthorscontinueinaper-sonalveinbyreflectingontheirrespectivegrief,thepersonaljourneysthattheyhavetakenindealingwiththedeathoflovedones,andhowtheyhaveexperiencedhealingintheirownlives.Inthesechapters,thereaderseesthatgriefisessentialtodealingwithlossinlifeandthevoidthatremainswhenalosshasnotbeenaddressed.Likemanyothers,Kübler-RossandKessler’sownstoriesgivevoicetotheexperienceoflossandtheinabilitytogrieveinawaythatisconducivetotheirhealing.Throughtheiraccounts,readersalsowitnessthepositiveeffectofdealingwithlossandthebenefitofallowingoneselftogrieveandlivelife.

Kübler-RossandKesslersaythateveryoneexperiencesloss,so,inturn,thismostrecentworkhassomerelevanceforeveryone.On Grief and Grievingspeakstoabroadreadingaudience.Thisbookclearlyattendstoindividualswhohaveexperiencedapersonallossandprovidesaframeworkforunder-standinghowone’s lifemaybeaffectedbysuchcircumstances.Fromthebeginningofthisbook,theauthorsexplaintheindividualityofthegrievingprocess.Throughoutthereading,theauthorstalkaboutthedifferentaspectsofgriefandprovideexamplesofitsmanifestationinpeople’slivesthroughstories.Grief isoftentimesaprivateexperiencethat isrevealedtofew.Insomeways,theaccountsofpeople’scircumstancesopenthedoorongriefandallowindividualstoseeit.Counselingworkrevolvesaroundempathyand counselors’ attempts to understand the perspectives of their clients.Kübler-RossandKessler’sbooknaturallyprovidesinformationandinsightfor thoseprofessionalswhoassistclients throughthesedifficult times. Ingeneral,thisbookalsoprovidesalenstoseeandunderstandwhatwe,asasociety,feelandbelieveaboutdeathandgriefandprovidesinsightintohowwecanbemoresupportiveofthosewhoaredealingwithloss.

Althoughthestagesofdeathanddyinghavereceivedmanyaccolades,they have also drawn some criticism over the years, from questioningKübler-Ross’sresearchandprocessindevelopingthestagesto,becauseoftheirpopularity,creatingtheexpectationthateveryonewillgothroughthesestagesattheendoftheirlives.Suchcriticismcouldextendtothiscurrentwritinggiventhesharedframework.Theauthors’responseinOn Grief and Grieving,however,delineatesthepurposeofthestagesgiventheassump-tionsmadebycritics.Theauthorsalsounderscoretheuniquenessofgriefandthevaryingwayspeoplemaycopewithloss.On Grief and Grievingisaclearlywrittenbookthatgiveswaytoabetterunderstandingofthedifficultemotionssurroundinggriefandcreatesanavenueforindividualstohealwhenfacedwiththelossofalovedone.