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Counseling and Values ■ April 2007 ■ Volume 51 235 Book Reviews © 2007 by the American Counseling Association. All rights reserved. A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss Reviewed by Lori A. Bolden Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Scribner, 235 pp., $25.00 (softcover). ISBN: 0-7432-6628-5. T he late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler joined efforts for a second time in coauthoring On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. With this book, the authors define grief and describe what the grieving process may look like for individuals who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Because individuals do not fully know or fear how deeply affected they may be by someone’s death, the extent of their grief is unknown. Because of the pain and discomfort death may bring, individuals are sometimes quick to dismiss grief and hesitant to truly be with and support someone who is grieving. In their book, Kübler- Ross and Kessler attempt to shed light on grief, the grieving process, and how it manifests itself in individuals. With this written exploration, the authors also lessen the fear surrounding death and the resulting grief. Subsequently, On Grief and Grieving serves as a resource not only for the person who is grieving but also for that individual’s network of support, including family, friends, and counseling professionals. The premise of this book rests in Kübler-Ross’s previous work and book On Death and Dying, which produced the widely known stages of death and dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In On Grief and Grieving, Kübler-Ross and Kessler transfer these stages to the experience of those who are mourning someone who has died. In the first chapter, titled “The Five Stages of Grief,” the authors take the reader through the stages of loss, providing a framework for which one deals with the death of a loved one: 1. Denial. People believe that their loved one has died, but their denial is symbolic in that they cannot believe that their friend or family member will not, for example, be calling to say hello or returning from work at a certain time (p. 8). Lori A. Bolden, Division of Student Affairs, Lehigh University. Correspondence concerning this review should be addressed to Lori A. Bolden, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA 18015 (e-mail: [email protected]).

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Page 1: A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Counseling and Values ■ April 2007 ■ Volume 51 235

Book Reviews

© 2007 by the American Counseling Association. All rights reserved.

A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Reviewed by Lori A. Bolden

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Scribner, 235 pp., $25.00 (softcover). ISBN: 0-7432-6628-5.

The late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler joined efforts for asecondtimeincoauthoringOn Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Withthisbook,theauthorsdefine

griefanddescribewhatthegrievingprocessmaylooklikeforindividualswhohaveexperiencedthelossofalovedone.Becauseindividualsdonotfullyknoworfearhowdeeplyaffectedtheymaybebysomeone’sdeath,theextentoftheirgriefisunknown.Becauseofthepainanddiscomfortdeathmaybring,individualsaresometimesquicktodismissgriefandhesitanttotrulybewithandsupportsomeonewhoisgrieving.Intheirbook,Kübler-RossandKesslerattempttoshedlightongrief,thegrievingprocess,andhowitmanifestsitselfinindividuals.Withthiswrittenexploration,theauthorsalsolessenthefearsurroundingdeathandtheresultinggrief.Subsequently,On Grief and Grieving servesasaresourcenotonlyfor thepersonwhoisgrievingbutalsoforthatindividual’snetworkofsupport,includingfamily,friends,andcounselingprofessionals.

Thepremiseofthisbookrests inKübler-Ross’spreviousworkandbookOn Death and Dying, whichproducedthewidelyknownstagesofdeathanddying:denial,anger,bargaining,depression,andacceptance.InOnGrief and Grieving,Kübler-RossandKesslertransferthesestagestotheexperienceofthosewhoaremourningsomeonewhohasdied.Inthefirstchapter,titled“TheFiveStagesofGrief,”theauthorstakethereaderthroughthestagesofloss,providingaframeworkforwhichonedealswiththedeathofalovedone:

1. Denial.Peoplebelievethattheirlovedonehasdied,buttheirdenialissymbolicinthattheycannotbelievethattheirfriendorfamilymemberwillnot,forexample,becallingtosayhelloorreturningfromworkatacertaintime(p.8).

Lori A. Bolden, Division of Student Affairs, Lehigh University. Correspondence concerning this review should be addressed to Lori A. Bolden, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA 18015 (e-mail: [email protected]).

Page 2: A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

236 Counseling and Values ■ April 2007 ■ Volume 51

2. Anger.Aperson’sangerisdirectedatthepersonwhodiedoratoneselfforbeingunabletopreventhisorherlovedone’sdeath.Theauthorscontend thatonce individualsare in this stage, they recognize theirabilitytogetthroughthisdifficulttime.

3. Bargaining.Kübler-RossandKesslertalkaboutthe“whatif”and“ifonly”mind-setwhereinindividualswhoaregrievingbelievethattheymayhavebeenabletocontrolandthuspreventthelossoftheirfamilymemberorfriend.

4. Depression. Inthisstage, theauthorsdiscussthenormalcyof feelingdepressedandaffirmtheideathatsuchfeelingsarenecessaryforthehealingprocesstobegin.

5. Acceptance. Atthisstage,individualsareatapointwheretheyrecognizethecurrentstateoftheirlives,withouttheirlovedone,astherealityandcanlivewiththatunderstanding.

Havingdescribedthestagesofgrief,Kübler-RossandKesslermoveontodiscusstherealityanddepthoflossinthesecondchapter,“TheInnerWorldofGrief.”Throughaseriesofspecialtopics,readersareshownthefaceofgriefforindividualswhoarecopingwithloss.Asanexample,theauthorsspeak about the sense of relief that grieving individuals may feel after afamilymemberhassuccumbedtoalengthyillness.Onecanreadaboutthesignificanceofcryingasawaytodealwithsadness.Kübler-RossandKessleralsotalkaboutmultiplerolesthatindividualsholdinlifeandtheneedtomournthelossofthepersonandthosemanyroles.Onthetopicoflifebeliefs,onereadsabouthowdeathcanshakepeople’sideasaboutwhatlifeshouldbelike.Astheauthorsexplain,individualsmaythinkthateveryoneshouldlivealonglife,thusthedeathofachildwouldbeexceptionallyshocking.Kübler-RossandKesslercontendthatthelossoflifeshouldbemourned,aswellasthepriorlifebeliefthatpeopleonlydiewhentheyareold.

Inthethirdchapter,“TheOuterWorldofGrief,”theauthorssharethe“ex-ternalpartofloss”(p.115)andhowitmanifestsitselfinpeople’sactionsandcustoms.Oneseesthatgriefdoesnotendatdealingwiththelossofalovedonebutextendstoallaspectsofthegrievingindividual’slife.Kübler-RossandKesslersharestoriesaboutindividuals’copingwithholidays,aswellastheanniversaryofsomeone’sdeath.Theydiscusshowone’ssexuallifemaychange,aswellastheimportanceofattendingtoone’sownhealth.Kübler-RossandKesslerexploretheconceptoffindingclosuretomeanthatalovedone’sdeathisputintoperspectivesothatonecanlivewiththeloss.

Thedetailssurroundingone’sdeathcansignificantlyaffectthewayinwhichindividuals grieve. In “Special Circumstances,” the authors describe whatindividualsmayexperiencefromavarietyofperspectives.Theytalkofhowchildrengrieveandhowdeathmaybeexplainedtoandinterpretedbythem.Theshameoftenassociatedwithasuicidedeathisalsoexplored.Theauthorsprovidesupportiveinsightforcopingwithmultipledeaths,aswellaslossoflifeasaresultofdisaster,Alzheimer’sdisease,andsuddendeath.

Page 3: A Review of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Counseling and Values ■ April 2007 ■ Volume 51 237

Intheclosingchaptersof“MyOwnGrief,”theauthorscontinueinaper-sonalveinbyreflectingontheirrespectivegrief,thepersonaljourneysthattheyhavetakenindealingwiththedeathoflovedones,andhowtheyhaveexperiencedhealingintheirownlives.Inthesechapters,thereaderseesthatgriefisessentialtodealingwithlossinlifeandthevoidthatremainswhenalosshasnotbeenaddressed.Likemanyothers,Kübler-RossandKessler’sownstoriesgivevoicetotheexperienceoflossandtheinabilitytogrieveinawaythatisconducivetotheirhealing.Throughtheiraccounts,readersalsowitnessthepositiveeffectofdealingwithlossandthebenefitofallowingoneselftogrieveandlivelife.

Kübler-RossandKesslersaythateveryoneexperiencesloss,so,inturn,thismostrecentworkhassomerelevanceforeveryone.On Grief and Grievingspeakstoabroadreadingaudience.Thisbookclearlyattendstoindividualswhohaveexperiencedapersonallossandprovidesaframeworkforunder-standinghowone’s lifemaybeaffectedbysuchcircumstances.Fromthebeginningofthisbook,theauthorsexplaintheindividualityofthegrievingprocess.Throughoutthereading,theauthorstalkaboutthedifferentaspectsofgriefandprovideexamplesofitsmanifestationinpeople’slivesthroughstories.Grief isoftentimesaprivateexperiencethat isrevealedtofew.Insomeways,theaccountsofpeople’scircumstancesopenthedoorongriefandallowindividualstoseeit.Counselingworkrevolvesaroundempathyand counselors’ attempts to understand the perspectives of their clients.Kübler-RossandKessler’sbooknaturallyprovidesinformationandinsightfor thoseprofessionalswhoassistclients throughthesedifficult times. Ingeneral,thisbookalsoprovidesalenstoseeandunderstandwhatwe,asasociety,feelandbelieveaboutdeathandgriefandprovidesinsightintohowwecanbemoresupportiveofthosewhoaredealingwithloss.

Althoughthestagesofdeathanddyinghavereceivedmanyaccolades,they have also drawn some criticism over the years, from questioningKübler-Ross’sresearchandprocessindevelopingthestagesto,becauseoftheirpopularity,creatingtheexpectationthateveryonewillgothroughthesestagesattheendoftheirlives.Suchcriticismcouldextendtothiscurrentwritinggiventhesharedframework.Theauthors’responseinOn Grief and Grieving,however,delineatesthepurposeofthestagesgiventheassump-tionsmadebycritics.Theauthorsalsounderscoretheuniquenessofgriefandthevaryingwayspeoplemaycopewithloss.On Grief and Grievingisaclearlywrittenbookthatgiveswaytoabetterunderstandingofthedifficultemotionssurroundinggriefandcreatesanavenueforindividualstohealwhenfacedwiththelossofalovedone.


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