Alone in the Family: Four Things Single People Need from Church

s a single person, I’m never quite sure if I’m

invited to family camp since I don’t have a

family. In addition to the ministry aspects,

individual interactions with people in the church often

leave singles feeling isolated from the only group we

consider family. Here are some practical suggestions for

how to help the single people you know:

1. Treat us with respect and dignity. It always amazes me that when people ask if I have

a boyfriend and I say “no,” their next question is

“Why not?” The implication is that there must be

something wrong with me, I guess. How do they

expect me to respond to that anyway? Because I’m

ugly and have zero personality so guys are not

interested in me. Show a little compassion.

2. Stop applying pressure. Matchmakers may be trying to help us be happy,

but it only serves to isolate us further. Pressure to

get coupled up adds to the message that there is

something wrong with us for being single. I’ve also

seen influential people try to match up singles in

the church: “Oh, you’d be perfect for each other.”

With a little bit of peer pressure these couples have

married only to have it fall apart. I wonder

sometimes if that’s because the relationship did not

begin and evolve naturally. Despite their good

intentions, matchmakers need to realize that the

best match is a match made in heaven.

3. Make us feel special. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone, but from

feeling that no one thinks we are special. I

remember a particular period of loneliness when I

called a friend and said, “I just want to feel like I’m

special to someone.” Then I burst into tears. The

next day I received a card from a different friend in

another state that said, “God thinks you are special

and so do I.” Only God could have orchestrated that

blessing. Birthdays and holidays are especially

lonely times for us. A card, hug, or phone call goes a

long way toward easing our loneliness. We need to

feel we are loved, and often we don’t have anyone

who consistently demonstrates love toward us.

4. Don’t overlook any of us. Those of us who have never been married feel over-

shadowed by all the attention focused on those

who have been divorced. When I lived in another

city, my church had a ministry to single mothers.

One Saturday a month, the men in the church

would do car maintenance, household repairs, and

send the moms home with a bag of groceries. As a

single woman who has never been married, I didn’t

have a man to take care of my car either but I was

excluded by the simple fact that I had remained

chaste in my singleness. Offer practical help, such as

a home-cooked meal for single men or car

maintenance for single women but if this is done in

any sort of organized fashion, be sure it is done

evenhandedly.

©2008 Christy Bower. The author grants permission to

distribute print or digital copies with the copyright

notice intact. www.ChristyBower.com (Image

©iStockphoto.com / Petar Chernaev)

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