all the cool kids do theatre

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre

A collection of plays for youthsBy Dan Sherrier

Revised 09/17/09

2009 Daniel R. Sherrier


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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre Dan Sherrier

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Preface

Welcome toAll The Cool Kids Do Theatre!

Here youll find eight one-act plays and one full-length. If youd like to purchaseperformance rights for these shows, please fill out a form at the end of the bookand mail with check to:

Dan SherrierP.O. Box 1346Ashland, VA 23005-1346

Please make all checks payable to Daniel Sherrier. Prices are listed on the

following page.

While these shows are intended for high school productions, any sort of theatregroup is certainly welcome to purchase performance rights. I wont object.

I always encourage feedback on scripts. I understand that no play can ever beperfect, and there will always be room for improvement. One of the advantages ofdistributing these scripts digitally, rather than in hard copy print, is that it will beeasier to create updated, improved, or alternate versions of each one.

So, I welcome any and all comments [email protected].

If any directors have questions regarding any script, I will try to make myselfavailable [email protected].

And be sure to visitallthecoolkidsdotheatre.comfor any news on future editionsand compilations.

Now, please read, and have fun.
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]://allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com/https://allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com/https://allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com/https://allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com/mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]


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Prices:

The Play About Homecoming (3F/3M) Originally performed at Atlee HighSchool in Mechanicsville, Virginia, in 2001. Approx. 20 minutes. $25/performance

The Play That Endeavors To Be A Comic Strip, But On Stage (5F/5M) Approx.10 minutes. NEW! First producer gets up to five performances free. Subsequentproducers, $20/performance.

The Numerous Numbers and the Magical Plus Sign (7 F or M) Originallyperformed in Burnsville, Minnesota in the 2006 Chameleon Theatre Circle NewPlay Festival after winning in the Theatre for Youth category. Approx. 10

minutes. $20/performance

Diminished (2F/2M plus 1F voiceover) Approx. 10 minutes. NEW! Firstproducer gets up to five performances free. Subsequent producers,$20/performance.

OwnWorst Enemy (1F/1M/1 F or M) Originally performed at Atlee High Schoolin Mechanicsville, Virginia, in 2002. Approx. 10 minutes. $20/performance

William Vs. The English Language (1F/2M/8 F or M) Approx. 10 minutes.(Premiere performance pending) $20/performance.

The Scariest Halloween Ever (2F/2M/1 F or M) Approx. 10 minutes. NEW!First producer gets up to five performances free. Subsequent producers,$20/performance.

Brain Surgery (principals: 3F/3M; plus small, flexible ensemble) Approx. 20minutes. NEW! First producer gets up to five performances free. Subsequentproducers, $25/performance.

Reconstructing AmazingMan (principals: 4F/4M; plus large, flexible ensemble)

Originally performed as a staged reading at The College of William & Mary in2005. Approx. 90 min. First full production will be discounted to$10/performance. Subsequent productions, $55/performance.


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Table of Contents:

The Play AboutHomecoming...........................5

The Play That Endeavors To Be a Comic Strip, But On

Stage...............................................28

The Numerous Numbers and the Magical Plus Sign.....39

Diminished.........................................51

Own Worst Enemy....................................64

William Vs. The English Language...................75

The Scariest Halloween Ever........................88

Brain Surgery.....................................100

Reconstructing AmazingMan...........................122


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The Play About HomecomingBased on a true story


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Characters:Natalie DickCorrie BillyVirginia Sid

(Natalie, Corrie, and Virginia are standing downstage, looking out to the audience as theypantomime getting made-up. They put make-up on, do their hair, etc.)

Corrie: This is going to be interesting...

Natalie: So, Corrie, your dates really 22?

Corrie: Huh-uh.

Natalie: And he asked you to Homecoming?

Corrie: Yep. I guess when Virginia mentioned I didnt have a date he felt bad anddecided to be nice. It would be better if I actually knew the guy though...

Natalie: Is that even legal?

Virginia: Dont worry. Billy seems all right. At work, hes always really nice tome.

Natalie : And what about your date? Hes from your work, too, right? How old is

he?

Virginia: Oh, Sids our age, but, uh, he is an...unusual person.

Corrie: Unusual?

Virginia: Youll see when you meet him. To be honest I didnt really want to gowith him. I mean, Ive only known him a couple of days, but it was him or no one. Besides,

I couldnt turn him down.

Corrie: Last resort dates are so much fun! At least Natalie knows Dick.

Natalie: Yeah, thats one guy we all know.

Virginia: Oh, itll all be fine. This has to be better than going by ourselves.


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(Lights dim. When the lights return, the couples are seated at a table. Everyone is dressed-up nicely, except for Sid, who wears extremely bright, tacky, multi-colored clothing. Stageright of the table is the womens restroom, and stageleft is the mens restroom. Restroomsare represented by simple signs; no sets for restrooms are necessary. At the table, there isawkward silence for a few moments.)

Corrie: So...

Sid: So...

Virginia: So...?

Billy: So...This is everyones senior Homecoming, heh? I remember mine. Iwas the star football player, and I almost single-handedly won the big game.

Corrie: (unimpressed) Did you, now?

Billy: (nostalgic) You should have seen me. It was the last quarter. We were losing by asingle point until I made the play that saved the game.

(Everyone is bored by this conversation.)

Natalie: Oh, Dick, I just wanted to tell you that you dont have to worry aboutpaying for my dinner. Ive got it.

Dick: Dont worry about it, Natalie. I dont mind paying.

Natalie: Are you sure?

Dick: Really, its no problem.

Corrie: Same offer, Billy. Ill pay for my dinner.

Billy: By all means, go right ahead.

Corrie: Oh. Okay.

Sid: Dumb move there.

Billy: Really.

Sid: I cant stand those guys who insist on paying for everything. Are theyidiots? Chivalry is so pointless and outdated.


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(Dick forms fists and begins to rise. Natalie grabs him and pulls him back down.)

Natalie: So, uh, where are you going to school now, Billy?

Billy: Nowhere. You see, I kind of dropped out.

Natalie: Oh.

Billy: Yeah, Ive been living in my parents basement for the past couple ofyears. Its really not that bad.

Sid: Its free rent. Cant beat that.

Billy: Well, I do have to deal with the spiders. I usually trap them in glass jars.I thinkIve found four or five different species down there so far.

Virginia: Thats, uh, very fascinating, Billy. (quickly turns to Sid) So, hows itgoing, Sid?

Sid: Ooh, look at this...(picks up a knife and a salt shaker) Assault with adeadly weapon. (laughs at himself; Billy laughs, and everyone else cringes.)

Virginia: Arent you clever?

Dick: Natalie, thats very nice perfume youve got on.

Natalie: Thank-you, Dick.

Sid: Whats the point of perfume?

Billy: Really. What are you girls trying to hide?

Sid: (sniffs Virginia) Im sorry, Virginia, but that perfume just reeks. Your natural body

odor must smell better than that.

Virginia: (anger escalating) It...reeks? My expensive perfume reeks?

Sid: Did I say it with a stu-stu-studder? It reeks! You sure wasted your moneyon that one.

Natalie: Uh, Virginia, your, uh, make-ups smeared a little. Come with me.


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(Natalie and Virginia go to the restroom. Billy stands up.)

Billy: Scuse me. Natures calling my name, and it waits for no man.

Corrie: By all means, go.

(Billy enters restroom and walks off-stage. Theres an awkward silence at the table.)

Virginia: Tell me this isnt happening.

Natalie: Its only been a few minutes. Im sure things will get better.

Virginia: You didnt have to ride in a car with him.

Natalie: Youve got a point there.

Sid: Hey, do you wanna see a magic trick?

Corrie: Sure, why not?

Billy: (singing from off-stage) I believe in miracles...

(Sid takes out a dollar bill and folds it so that it becomes upside-down.)

Virginia: He spent the entire ride telling me how much he adores the alien womenon Star Trek. Natalie, he finds them attractive. The green skin, the messed-upforeheads...He says theyre hot.

Sid: Pretty cool, huh?

Dick: (flatly) Thats great, man. Really.

Natalie: Im sorry, Virginia.

(Billy enters and looks toward the audience as if hes looking in a mirror. He tries to act all

suave and cool as he combs his hair, dances around, etc.)

Corrie: Thats an interesting outfit youve got there, Sid.

Sid: Thanks. I made it myself.

Virginia: What was I thinking saying yes to that guy?

Natalie: Look, things can only get better.


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Corrie: You sew?

Sid: Im captain of the Sewing Team at school. Its a nice way to get in goodwith the girls, let me tell you.

Corrie: Gotcha.

Virginia: He was telling me about the magazines he reads. Theyre the ones youfind in the back room of the store.

Natalie: Oh, my--

Billy: Oh, yeah. Those chicks are so into us.

(Billy returns to the table.)

Natalie: Are you sure he wasnt joking?

Virginia: He was serious.

Natalie: Ooh, thats rough...

Virginia: What do we do?

Natalie: (thinking it over) Well...

Billy: So whats keeping the girls?

Natalie: Uh...

Corrie: (really slowly, as if speaking to a young child) Make-up can be very complicated.Its not like just having to comb your hair. It takes a lot of work and time and money. We gothrough a lot of effort to get made-up nice.

Sid: Make-ups just too much trouble.

Billy: I know, and girls could be just as pretty without it, if not prettier.

(Corrie slaps her forehead.)

Natalie: Um...


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Dick: Oh, boy...

Natalie: I guess weve just gotta go back.

Virginia: No!

Natalie: We have no choice. We have to.

Virginia: But...But...

Natalie: Virginia...

Virginia: All right. Lets go.

(Natalie and Virginia return to the table.)

Sid: Do you see how long that took? Does that not prove our point?

Virginia: What point?

Dick: (looking at menu) Ooh, they have Veal Parmesan here!

Corrie: Do they? I just love Veal Parmesan!

Virginia: What point?

Natalie: (to Virginia) Its probably better that we dont--

Billy: Make-ups a waste oftime.

Virginia: I know you didnt just say that.

Sid: You know were right.

Dick: (looking around) So wheres that waiter?

Natalie: Yeah, Im getting kind of hungry all of a sudden...

Sid: I killed him.

(Everyone is silent for a moment. They then laugh politely.)

Corrie: Ha, ha, thats a, uh, good one, Sid. Youre quite the wit tonight.


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Sid: No, I mean it. I killed him.

(Corrie stands up.)

Corrie: I need to use the restroom. Ill be right back.

Natalie: Yeah, me, too.

Virginia: I better go also.

(The three girls go to the womens restroom. Sid gets up.)

Sid: I guess Ill just go now, too.

(Virginia and Corrie scream silently. Natalie tries to calm them down. Sid walks over to therestroom and off-stage. Dick is very uncomfortable at the table.)

Dick: So, uh, he was kidding, right?

Billy: You never know with Sid.

(Silence for a moment, then Dick gets up.)

Dick: Excuse me.

(Dick walks into the bathroom, appearing frustrated. The girls are in a state of panic. Nataliestill tries to remain optimistic but fails miserably. Billy makes paper airplanes out of thenapkins or menus.)

Virginia: (overdramatic) This is a nightmare! Why wont they serve us food? Dont they

see the torment were in? Have they no humanity?

Corrie: I so want to strangle those two...

Natalie: Lets try to stay calm now...

Virginia: Stay calm? Stay calm? Natalie, theyre inhuman!

(Dick pantomimes washing his hands.)

Corrie: I say we make a run for it!


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Natalie: We cant just leave Dick!

(Sid enters and walks past Dick without washing his hands. Dick notices and over-reacts bylooking at the sink, then Sid, then the sink, then Sid, etc. He holds his hands up and stares atthem.)

Dick: Oh, no...Virginia!

(Sid high-fives Billy.)

Sid: Score!

Billy: This is going so well!

Sid: Weve got a great night ahead of us!

Billy: Oh, yeah!

Corrie: Thats true! Dicks all alone with those guys!

Virginia: Hell be fine.

(Dick pantomimes peaking out the bathroom door.)

Dick: (whiny) Whats keeping them? I dont want to be alone with those guys!(suddenly very concerned and overdramatic) Did they...gulp!...leave? Did they abandon me

to those freaks?

Billy: That Virginias pretty hot stuff, isnt she?

Sid: (drooling) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Dick: Blast it! (paces around restroom) Do they want me to suffer?

(Dick hesitantly creeps out of the bathroom and returns to the table, uncomfortable.)

Dick: (looking at Sids hands) Uh......hey.

Natalie: Do you think he really killed the waiter?

Virginia: Theres no way he killed the--


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Corrie: Wait a second...I remember hearing someone cry out in pain as we werecoming in.

Dick: So, uh, hows it going?

Billy: Its going.

Virginia: They wereprobably reacting to Sids B.O..

Natalie: Oh, thats a foul stench.

Virginia: You should smell his car.

Corrie: You know, now that I think about it, I havent seen very many people atall in this restaurant.

Natalie: Thats true. Its very barren.

(Sid and Billy eye Dick in a predator-like fashion. Each one puts an arm around him, gettingreally close. The girls think the situation over.)

Billy: (psychotic) High schools fun, isnt it, Dickie? (inches over to Dick) You get to beking of the world in high school, and then it all gets snatched away at graduation.

Dick: (looking around; weakly) Natalie?...Where are you?

Corrie: (very concerned) This is probably how they wanted it! They picked a quietrestaurant that wouldnt be very crowded...

Virginia: (freaked-out) ...So they would have...quality...time with...us...in aclose...intimate...setting.

(Virginia runs off-stage and sounds like shes throwing up. Natalie and Corrie cringe. Sidpours some salt on Dicks head.)

Natalie: Ooh...That didnt sound too good.

Dick: So, uh, life peaked a little early, did it? (Billy looked unamused. Sidplays with his knife.) Kidding! Heh! Heh.

Sid: This is a nice, sharp knife here...

(Corrie and Natalie go to the edge of the stage to check on Virginia.)


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Billy: Hey, Sid, watch this.

(Virginia enters, feeling queasy.)

Virginia: That was not pleasant.

(Billy flings his spoon across the stage. He and Sid laugh hysterically.)

Sid: Awesome! Let me try!

(Sid fiddles around with his spoon.)

Dick: This is pathetic...

Corrie: Are you sure youre going to be all right, Virginia?

Virginia: Yeah, I think Ill be fine.

Sid: Beat this! Behind the back!

Natalie: Then we better get back. Weve probably been gone too long.

(Natalie walks to the door of the bathroom and prepares to open it up. Sid motions toward

the mens restrooms.)

Sid: Hey, whats that?

Natalie:(opening door) Are you sure youre all right?

(Sid turns around and throws his spoon towards the womens restroom, accidentally hittingVirginia.)

Virginia: Im fi--(The spoon strikes her in the head.) Ouch! (In pain, she movesbackward.) Oh, man, that hu--(She trips and falls off-stage. Crashing sound.) OW!

Corrie: That really didnt sound good.

Billy: Whered the spoon go?

Sid: I dont know. Ive lost sight of it.

Natalie: Go check on her. Ill...(motions to table, cringing)


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Corrie: Good luck.

(Natalie mentally prepares herself and then walks over to the table. Dick gets her chair forher.)

Dick: (extremely relieved to see her) Natalie!

Sid: Where are the other two stooges?

Natalie: Their...mascaras all messed up. Water has that effect on it.

Billy: Water?

Natalie: Yes, little drops of water running down their faces.

Sid: Howd that happen? Did something spill on them?

(Natalie sighs and sits down.)

Natalie: Never mind. Did I miss anything?

(Billy pats Dick on the back.)

Billy: Oh, nothing much. We and our good buddy Dick were having a grand oldtime, werent we, Dickie?

Dick: Uh...yeah...sure.

(Sid leaps up from his seat, excitedly. He points upstage.)

Sid: Look! Do ya...Do ya see that? They have a buffet!

Billy: I wanna get me some of that!

(Billy and Sid exit.)

Dick: Oh, man, Natalie, where did they find those losers? They are an insult toguys across the country! If I ever become anything like either one of them, shoot me and putme out of my misery!

Natalie: If you ever do become anything like that...I will. Dont worry.


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Dick: For a moment there, I thought they were going to attack me or something!Theyre psychotic! And that Sid guy, when he left the restroom, he did not wash his hands!

Natalie: He didnt wash his hands?

Dick: He walked right by the sink.

Natalie: Poor Virginia.

Dick: Where are they? Are they still in the restroom?

Natalie: Virginia...had a little accident.

Dick: Accident?

Natalie: She tripped and fell backwards.

Dick: Oh.

(Corrie and Virginia walk back on stage with Corrie supporting a very weak Virginia. At thetable, Natalie and Dick act like theyre still talking.)

Virginia: Ooh...

Corrie: Are you sure youre going to be all right, Virginia?

Virginia: (delirious) Y-yeah...(looks around) Wait a second...Where are we?

Corrie: Our Homecoming dinner.

Virginia: With our dream dates, right?

Corrie: Uh...Come here...

(Corrie pantomimes opening the restroom door. She points downstage.)

Corrie: See those two guys over at the buffet?

(Sid and Billy enter and walk along the front of the stage, pantomiming picking up food froma buffet and putting it onto their plates. Corrie and Virginia cringe as they watch.)

Billy: You know, man, I feel really bad for that Natalie girl. I mean, she has toput up with that boring loser all night long.


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Sid: I know. Poor thing. Ooh, theyve got garlic bread! (takes a bite out ofimaginary garlic bread) She wouldve been much happier with either one of us. Too bad for

her we can only have one date.

Billy: Imagine, having to spend your senior Homecoming with someone youcant stand.

Sid: We need to figure out some way to get him out of the picture.

Billy: Hmm... (laughs as he gets an idea)

Corrie: Those are our dates.

(Billy and Sid exit stage left. Virginia faints.)

Corrie: Virginia!

(Corrie tries to revive Virginia.)

Natalie: Im really starting to get concerned now. I think I better go check onthem.

(Dick looks over his shoulders, upstage, nervous.)

Dick: But...theyre coming back!

Natalie: Ill be really quick!

(Natalie gets up. She goes over to the restroom and reacts to seeing that Virginia fainted.She helps Corrie try to revive her by splashing water on her face, fanning her, etc. At thetable, Dick is very frustrated.)

Dick: They havent even taken our orders yet...

(Billy and Sid enter and stand over Dick.)

Billy: Hey, Dickie. Your girl leave again?

Dick: Yeah, she went to go check on Corrie and Virginia.

Billy: Have you noticed how she keeps running to the restroom?


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Dick: Uh, yeah, Ive noticed.

Sid: Hmm...Why would that be?

Dick: (sarcastic) I wonder...

Billy: How about we show you?

(Sid kicks Dicks chair out from under him. Billy lifts Dick over his shoulders.)

Dick: Um, Whatre you--(They bring him over to the restroom. He strugglesweakly and to no avail.) Uh, I dont think this is--Hey!

(In the restroom, Sid restrains Dicks arms as Billy punches Dick in the stomach repeatedly.

Meanwhile, Corrie and Natalie continue their efforts to revive Virginia.)

Corrie: Shes not waking up!

Natalie: Virginia! We need you!

Virginia: (very weakly) Wha...

Corrie: Shes awake!

(Virginia slowly sits up.)

Virginia: This--This is all really happening, isnt it? This is ourHomecomingdinner, and were trapped with a pair of obnoxious cavemen...

Natalie: Stay with us, Virginia!

(Sid and Billy carry a beaten Dick off-stage. Virginia stands up.)

Virginia: I think Im fine now...

Corrie: Are you sure?

Virginia: Ill survive.

Dick: OWWWW!!!!

(The girls walk over to the table. Natalie and Corrie are immediately concerned when theyfind that no one is there. Virginia is relieved.)


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Natalie: Dick!

Virginia: Are they gone? Are they really gone?

Corrie: We couldnt possibly be that lucky.

Natalie: But wheres Dick?

(Billy and Sid enter into mens restroom.)

Billy: Havent done that in a while.

Sid: That was fun.

(They walk over to the table and sit down.)

Billy: Theyve returned at long last!

(Sid holds Virginias hands. Virginia coughs at his bad breath.)

Sid: We were starting to get concerned.

(Natalie stares at Sids hands and squeals in horror.)

Billy: Something wrong?

Natalie: Uh...no. Um, was Dick with you guys?

Sid: Dick wasnt feeling well all of a sudden.

Natalie: Wasnt feeling well?

Billy: No. He was having...stomach problems.

(Billy and Sid look at each other and laugh.)

Virginia: What did you do to Dick?

Sid: (unconvincing) You think we did something to him?

Billy: What would make you think that?


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(Billy and Sid begin pigging out on their food.)

Natalie: Virginia! Whats wrong with you tonight? Your make-ups smearedagain!

Sid: Yeah, it does look terrible.

Natalie: Come with me.

(Natalie drags Virginia back to the bathroom.)

Billy: I just had a thought...This chicken were eating used to be alive. Isnt thatjust freaky?

Natalie: Those two did something to Dick.

Virginia: Obviously, but what could they have done?

Natalie: Well, they were coming out of the bathroom...

Sid: Yeah, this did used to be alive, didnt it? Oh, well. You know, Corrie,you can go over and get some.

Corrie: Uh, no thanks. Ill just wait.

Natalie: I should probably go in there and make sure hes all right.

Virginia: Into the mens restroom? Are you crazy?

Natalie: We dont know what those guys are capable of.

(Billy attempts to resuscitate the chicken.)

Billy: Let me just make sure its really dead.

Virginia: Going into the guys restroom? Natalie, you are the bravest girl I haveever known.

Billy: Come on, chicken! Dont let me down!

Natalie: Thank-you. Oh, Virginia, theres something you should know...Dick toldme that Sid didnt wash his hands after he was done in the restroom.


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Virginia: (horrified) Youre--Youre kidding. Please tell me youre kidding.

(Billy gives up resuscitating the chicken.)

Billy: I think weve lost him.

Corrie: Isnt that a shame?

Natalie: Im sorry, Virginia.

(Virginia looks at her hands that Sid touched. She starts to cry a little. Then she screams fora few seconds. Everyone at the table reacts to it.)

Billy: Whoa, someones having some problems.

Sid: Must be that time of month.

Corrie: Wheres the waiter? For the love of--

Virginia: I want to cry...

Natalie: Take a few moments and let it all out. I really need to go check on Dick.

Virginia: (tearful) Go ahead. Ill--Ill be all right.

(Natalie sneaks upstage and carefully and slowly walks around the back, trying not to be

seen. Virginia goes downstage to the imaginary sink and pantomimes the act of thoroughlywashing her hands.)

Virginia: Why couldnt a decent guy have asked me out? Was that too much toask?

Billy: Oh, Corrie, I had a little question Ive been wanting to ask you...

Corrie: Yes...?

Billy: Virginias got the hots for me, doesnt she? Cmon. You can say it.

(Natalie stops for a second.)

Natalie: I know I didnt just hear that...

(She continues.)


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Corrie: Well...Im not so sure...

Sid: Because shes into me, right?

(Natalie stops again.)

Natalie: What? These guys are delusional!

Billy: (looking around) Did somebody just say something?

Natalie: No!

Billy: Alright.

(Natalie covers her face and quickly sneaks over to the invisible door of the mens restroom.)

Virginia: (becoming extremely irate) Those jerks have ruined my Homecoming! My seniorHomecoming!

(Natalie braces herself before entering the mens restroom.)

Natalie: Dick better appreciate this.

(She enters and looks around.)

Sid: So anyway, Corrie, Virginia cant wait to get some of me, can she?

Natalie: Now this is interesting...and disgusting.

Corrie: Well...since you put it like that...

(Virginia barges out of the restroom and explodes at them. She slaps Sid.)

Virginia: Barbarian! Have you ever heard of hygiene?

Sid: Hy what?

Natalie: Wow. I had no idea...Wheres the toilet paper?

Virginia: Both of you are insults to the human race!

(Virginia shoves Billy out of his chair.)


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Natalie: Dick? Dick? Anybody seen Dick in here?

(Dick moans from off-stage.)

Dick: Over--over here...

Virginia: You should be shot and hanged!

(Corrie stands up and tries to restrain her.)

Corrie: Virginia...

Natalie: I m about to go where no woman has gone before. I should be given amedal for this...

(She walks off-stage into the stall.)

Virginia: Do you have any idea what freaks you are?

Natalie: Dick! Oh, my goodness!

(Corrie drags Virginia over to the restroom.)

Corrie: Virginia! Control yourself!

Sid: She is so into us.

Billy: Ha! Tell me about it!

(Virginia is still seething.)

Corrie: Take deep breaths...

(Natalie enters with Dick, whos severely beaten. His clothing is all messed-up, and he has ablack eye as well other bruises.)

Natalie: Dick, what happened?

Dick: Almost had em...

Natalie: Sure you did. Thats it. Were leaving. Were not going through anymore of this.


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Dick: No! We cant just run away! Not after that!

(Billy and Sid sword fight with the knives.)

Corrie: Think positive thoughts...

Virginia: Hmm...There arent many witnesses around...

Corrie: Virginia!

Virginia: Sorry!

Billy: Hey, whered that Natalie girl disappearoff to?

Sid: Shes probably admiring us from afar.

Natalie: Look, take a moment to fix yourself up a little. You look awful. Ill goback to Corrie and Virginia.

Dick: All right.

(Natalie quickly walks over to the table. She stops short as she realizes that only the twoguys are there.)

Natalie: Ah!

(She starts to turn around. The guys see her.)

Billy: Hey, Natalie! There you are, girl!

(Natalie inaudibly curses to herself. She turns back around and tries to act pleasant.)

Natalie: Hi. (sits back down at the table) So Dick got really sick, did he?

Billy: You should have seen him. (laughs then abruptly catches himself andstops) He was in terrible shape.

(Dick looks toward the audience as if hes looking in a mirror. He tries to act in a tough guyfashion.)

Dick: You want a piece of me?


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Corrie: Now we cant hide out here forever, Virginia.

Virginia: Fine. Well go back.

Corrie: Are you sure you wont explode at them again?

Virginia: Ill try, but if they do something else, I cant promise anything.

Corrie: Sounds fair. (Corrie and Virginia return to the table.) Sorry about that,guys.

Billy: Oh, its no problem. Reminds me of something that happened at myjunior Prom...

(As Dick speaks aloud, Billy tells his story in a silent fashion. Everyone except Sid looksbored to tears.)

Dick: Im gonna go out there, andIm gonna walk up to those ba...bad people,and Im gonna tell em off. (starts punching the air) Then Im gonna give em one from the

left, and one from the ri--(arm recoils in pain) Ow! That smarts! (resumes tough guy tone)Im gonna teach em a lesson! Ill make em wish they never messed with us! Yeah!

(Dick storms out to the table. By this point, the girls had all been falling asleep. They snapback awake as Dick arrives in his severely beaten state.)

Billy: ...And then we did something really funny...

Natalie: Dick!

Corrie, Virginia: Dick!

Billy, Sid: Dick? (uncomfortable) Oh...Dick. Heh, heh...

Dick: (gathering up his courage to yell at them) Now listen here, you...people...you. Ivegot something Ive got to tell you guys...(Dick gets ready to curse them out, but then Billy

stands up and stares down at him, intimidating him.)...I think I left my headlights on. Imgonna go outside and turn them off. Anyone want to take the walk with me?

Virginia, Natalie, Corrie: (quickly and enthusiastically, as they jump to their feet) I WILL!

Billy: (starting to stand up) Then I guess we might as well come along, too.

Corrie: Oh, well we cant all leave. They, uh, might give our table to someone else.


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Natalie: Right! You two better stay here!

(Billy sits back down.)

Billy: Well, all right.

(Dick, Corrie, Natalie, and Virginia start to rush upstage.)

Sid: Hurry back! You wouldnt want to miss out on some major cuddling, now wouldyou?

(Virginia shudders.)

Dick: And, uh, we wouldnt want my battery to die, right?

Natalie: Exactly! Lets go!

(They exit as fast as possible, leaving Sid and Billy by themselves. Theyre silent for a moment.)

Billy: Theyll be back.

Sid: Of course. They cant get enough of us.

(The sound of a cars tires screeching is heard.)

Billy: You know, on second thought, they might not be coming back.

(Sid explodes into a fury and knocks a bunch of stuff off the table. He pounds his fists on thetable.)

Sid: Nooo! We were so close! We wouldve had them, too, if not for that pesky geek!

Billy: (sighs) Just like in high school...

(Lights down.)


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The Play That Endeavors To Be A Comic Strip, But On Stage


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Characters:ColleenShermanPatrickDaphne

VancePriscillaLukasKaitlinJuliaRory

(The stage is divided into several different mini-sets to facilitate all these various vignetteswithout scene shifts: gymnasium, science lab, lockers, classroom with chalkboard, and cafeteriatable.)

Scene 1:

(Colleen the cheerleader practices her cheers, alone, in the gymnasium. She starts out extremelyenthusiastic.)

Colleen: Go Team! Go School! Yeah! Yeah...

(Colleen stops cheering, becoming sullen.)

Colleen: Actually...Can I just go?

(Colleen becomes depressed and slinks off-stage.)

Colleen: How I hate this place...

Scene 2:

(At a lab table, two nerds, Sherman and Patrick, dissect a frog while they converse. Sherman isthe one presently using the scalpel.)

Sherman: So they say cheerleadings like a sport. But how can it be? It supports sports.You never see a game of baseball taking place on the sidelines of a football field, do you?

(Sherman continues cutting the frog. He becomes excited at what he finds.)

Sherman: Ooh, look! I think I found the frogs pancreas...


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Patrick: So what exactly makes you an authority in sports?

Scene 3:

(Colleen leans against the lockers, talking to her friend, Daphne, who switches out books from

her locker to her backpack.)

Colleen: You know how when you start riding a roller coaster, as youre going up that firsthill theres all this anticipation? And then you get over that hill and its all over before you know

it.

Daphne: Whats wrong, Colleen?

Colleen: I just realized Im more than halfway through being a teenager. Im more thanhalfway to old.

Scene 4:

(In front of the chalkboard, Vance reads from notecards while giving a class presentation.)

Vance: And now for my report on the domestic policy of President Richard Nixon...

(Vance looks from side to side. After a brief sigh, he leaps excitedly into the air.)

Vance: Woo-hoo!

(He regains his calm, and looks to his notecards.)

Vance: (to himself) Okay, now everyone is listening...

Scene 5:

(A group of four studentsColleen, Priscilla, Kaitlin, and Lukasare seated in desks turnedtoward each other. They all have a book in hand. Priscilla, the know-it-all, dominates thediscussion.)

Priscilla: I think its really meaningful how he uses repetition to really convey just howthese bells were, in fact, bells and had such bell-like qualities...Like these lines, From the bells,bells, bells, bells...Bells, bells, bells...

Lukas: Yeah, that is kind of clever...

Kaitlin: Really paints a vivid picture. What do you think, Colleen?


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Colleen: Sounds awfully repetitious to me.

Scene 6:

(Sherman and Patrick continue dissecting the frog.)

Sherman: You know, these frogs didnt ask to give their lives to science, did they? Theyjust wanted to go about their brief existence, leaping from lily pad to lily pad and eating fly afterfly. And yet here theyve wound up, at the wrong end of the scalpel. They didnt want this.

Patrick: So what exactly makes you an authority on what frogs want?

Scene 7:

(In front of the lockers, Rory and Julia are wrapped in each others arms. They look into eachothers eyes with grave expressions.)

Julia: Ill miss you.

Rory: Ill miss you more.

Julia: Ill miss you most.

Rory: Ill let go first, so you wont have to.

Julia: Youre so brave.

Rory: Im going to let go...any second now...

Julia: Im scared!

Rory: Somehow, I trust, well get through this...

(Colleen walks up to them and pries them apart. She slips in between them and pushes themaway.)

Julia: Good-bye, my darling!

Rory: Farewell, my love!

(Colleen forcibly spins them both in opposing directions and shoves them on their respectiveways. After they both walk off, she dusts off her hands.)

Colleen: Its tough work not being crazy.


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Scene 8:

(At a cafeteria table, Vance and Lukas play a game of table football, using a paper ball. Theytake turns sliding the paper football back and forth. They do this in silence for several

moments.)

Vance: Isnt this so much better than carrying on a conversation?

Lukas: Totally.

Scene 9:

(At a classroom desk, Colleen sits and reads over a math test.)

Colleen: (reading) If 7 times X times A is equal to 57 plus Y times 5, minus 6 times A, and A

equals 10 and Y equals 5, what is X?

(Colleen stares at the paper, considering. She soon writes.)

Colleen: X can be anything it sets its mind to!

Scene 10:

(The table football game between Vance and Lukas continues.)

Lukas: How much longer until we need to get back to class?

(Vance looks at his watch.)

Vance: Ten minutes.

Lukas: Cool.

(They resume playing in silence.)

Scene 11:

(Rory, Kaitlin, and Colleen sit in a row of desks in that order, all looking up at a clock.)

Rory: Only 1,294 more seconds until I can see my precious darling again...

Kaitlin: Only five more hours until I can go home...


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Colleen: Only 176 more days until Im done with this school!

Scene 12:

(Sherman and Patrick continue dissecting the frog. They dissect silently for a moment.)

Sherman: How much longer do we have to keep doing this?

Patrick: I dont know. Until were told to stop.

Sherman: You know, teachers get some twisted pleasure out of giving us busywork, dontthey?

(Patrick sighs.)

Scene 13:

(Colleen leans against the lockers, talking to her friend Daphne, who loads and unloads books.)

Colleen: Did you ever get the feeling that you could be so much more than what you are?That youre meant to be more, meant to accomplish great things?

Daphne: What, like become Homecoming Queen?

(Colleen sinks in despair.)

Colleen: Ugh.

Scene 14:

(Priscilla, Julia, Vance, and Lukas sit in a circle of desks, all looking at books.)

Priscilla: I think that the most important Constitutional amendment of all time is the 19th

,because without that, Id never be allowed to vote, and the nation would be denied my precious

wisdom.

Vance: Well, womens right to vote is important, certainly, but what about the firstamendment guaranteeing freedom of speech in the first place?

Lukas: Hes got a point. (To Julia) What do you think?

(Julia looks at her watch.)

Julia: Only 356 more seconds until I get to see my love again...


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Scene 15:

(Rory stands before the lockers, looking at his watch, getting nervous.)

Rory: Its 27 seconds after the bell! Where is she?

(He looks down the hall, both ways.)

Rory: What if she (gulp!) met someone else?

Scene 16:

(Colleen is in the gymnasium, practicing her cheers half-heartedly. She waves her pom-pomsback and forth.)

Colleen: Ra. Ra. Ra. Ra.

(She gives up and walks away.)

Colleen: Oh, whats the point?

Scene 17:

(Kaitlin stands in front of the chalkboard, with a podium in front of her.)

Kaitlin: If elected SCA President, I promise I will serve the student body to the best of myability.

(She observes the room.)

Kaitlin: Id give you the details as to how, but you all look really peaceful sleeping sosoundly, Id hate to wake you.

Scene 18:

(Priscilla, Colleen, Lukas, and Daphne are seated in desks in a circle, doing worksheets. Theproblem does not agree with Colleen.)

Priscilla: Oh, this problem isnt so tricky. If were going to find out what that X is, we firstneed to get rid of those Ys.

Lukas: Alright, just divide both sides by Y and thats taken care of.


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Priscilla: Good, that isolates X as the only variable left in the equation.

Daphne: So now we just need to get X on one side by itself...That sounds right, doesnt it,Colleen? (No answer) Uh, Colleen?

Colleen: Stop manipulating the poor X!

Scene 19:

(Sherman and Patrick are at the lab table, having finished dissecting the frog.)

Sherman: Finished ahead of schedule! We totally ruled that frog!

Patrick: Yep, and now weve got all this time while we wait for everyone else to catch upto us...

(They sit in silence for a moment.)

Patrick: You up for a game of table football?

Sherman: Well, I was going to play with my graphing calculator, but that sounds just asgood.

(They prepare to play.)

Scene 20:

(Vance stands in front of the chalkboard, beginning a class presentation.)

Vance: And now for my report on the Cabinet agency Housing and Urban Development,also known as HUD...

(Vance looks around and sighs. He then musters up some false excitement.)

Vance: (singing) HUD is here to save the daaaayyyyy!

(He looks around the classroom, satisfied.)

Vance: There we go. Everyones awake...

Scene 21:

(Colleen stands in the gym, holding her pom-poms. She doesnt even try to practice. She staresat them, analyzing them.)


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Colleen: These things get kind of heavy after a while...

Scene 22:

(Rory and Julia rush to meet each other in front of the lockers. They hug tightly.)

Rory: My darling! At last!

Julia: Last period felt like an eternity!

Rory: Any hour without you is an eternity!

(The school bell rings. Rory and Julia panic.)

Julia: Was that?

Rory: Nooo!!!! Its not fair! Why so soon? Why must we suffer so?

Julia: To love so much, and to spend so little time togetherits cruelty! Sheer,torturous cruelty!

(Colleen enters, followed by Vance, Lukas, Daphne, and Kaitlin.)

Colleen: Alright, you two grab him, and you two grab her. No need to be gentle.

(Vance and Lukas pull Rory away, while Daphne and Kaitlin pull Julia away. Rory rages at thebell.)

Julia: My love!

Rory: Curse you, bell! Curse you!!!!!

(Only Colleen remains.)

Colleen: What would this place do without me?

Scene 23:

(Priscilla sits in a desk, taking a test. She works rapidly. After a few moments, she looks up andponders, as something appears to stump her.)

Priscilla: Is it a blessing or a curse to be so smart?


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Scene 24:

(Lukas and Daphne talk in front of the lockers.)

Daphne: Im getting concerned about Colleen.

Lukas: Huh-huh.

Daphne: She seems so down lately.

Lukas: Huh-huh.

Daphne: If only there was something I could for her...

Lukas: So do you, like, want to go out sometime?

(Daphne walks away.)

Scene 25:

(Sherman and Patrick play a game of table football on their lab table. Kaitlin walks by, stops,and observes them.)

Kaitlin: Boys are so immature.

(Sherman gets defensive.)

Sherman: So what exactly makes you an authority on boys, huh? Huh?

(Kaitlin sighs and walks away.)

Scene 26:

(Vance stands before the chalkboard, prepared for another presentation.)

Vance: And now for my report on deoxyribonucleic acid, otherwise known as DNA...

(Vance looks at the class. His head travels from side to side. He loses it.)

Vance: Why doesnt our generation have an attention span????

(Vance does a ridiculous dance to liven up the presentation.)

Vance: (singing) D-N-AAAA! D-N-AAAA! Da-da-da da-da-da-da da-da! Ha-ha!


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Scene 27:

(Colleen leans against her locker, alone.)

Colleen: Why do I even bother? Why does anyone bother? Whats the point of anything?

(Colleens cell phone rings. She looks at the number. Confused, she answers it.)

Colleen: Mom? Why are you calling me at school? (Pause.) Shes what? (Pause.)Already? Are you sure? The wedding was only...

(Pause. Colleen develops a great, huge grin.)

Colleen: Im going to be an aunt!

(Daphne walks by. Colleen grabs her excitedly by the shoulders.)

Colleen: Im going to have a little niece! Or a little nephew!

(Colleen leaps into a cheer.)

Colleen: Go Team! Yeah! Woo!

(Lights down.)


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The Numerous Numbersand the Magical Plus Sign

A play for children


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Characters (in order of appearance, all gender optional):12+=

345

(Lights up on a peaceful area. 1 and 2 enter from opposite sides of the stage, pointing to eachother.)

2: One!

1: Two!

(They approach each other and shake hands. 1 seems slightly depressed.)

1: Good to see you. Been a while.

2: Yeah, I know, been keeping busy with my new job. They got me pulling double duty allthe time. But what about you? Hows life been for Number One?

1: Lonely.

2: Sorry to hear that.

1: Its okay. I get by.

2: You get by? But youre One! You shouldnt have to settle for just getting by.

1: Yeah, I guess...Kind of used to it, though...

2: Ive got just the thing to cheer you up. (Calling off-stage) Plus! (Turns back to 1) I metthis guy, PlusAbsolutely amazing person. S/Hes got this special talent. Just watch. (Callingback off-stage) Hey, Plus! Where are you?

(+ enters. S/Hes a cheery fellow.)

+: Right here, Two! And this must be One! (Shakes 1's hand.) Pleasure to meet you. ImPlus, special adder of numbers everywhere!

1: I dont understand...


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+: You see, its my job to take a pair of numbers and use them to create a third. That way,theyve got more company. Im a huge fan of that old saying, the more the merrier...

2: Plus, why dont we give a demonstration?

+: Splendid idea! Alright, One and Two, please get to either side of me, a single number perside, doesnt matter which.

(1 and 2 stand to both sides of +. They stand in a row like a mathematical expression.)

2: Just wait until you see this, One.

(The three of them stand in a row. + concentrates hard. Nothing happens.)

1: Um...Is something supposed to happen?

2: Wait for it...

(Pause, as nothing else happens.)

1: Im waiting.

+: (struggling) Rrrrrrr....

2: Um, Plus? Something wrong?

+: (still struggling) Hold on...Just give me another minute...

2: Dont you usually have an assistant of some sort?

+: I can do this on my own. Really, I can.

2: Plus, its okay to ask for help if you need some...

+: You wont laugh at me?

2: Of course not.

+: In that case...(yells off-stage) Hey, Equals! Get out here! Youre making me look bad!

=: (off-stage) Whats the magic word?

+: Magic word? Which magic word?


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=: You know the magic word Im talking about.

(2 whispers into +s ear.)

+: Oh! (Calling off-stage) Equals, please come out and join me.

(= enters.)

=: It would be my pleasure.

1: What is s/he supposed to do? S/Hes just a couple of lines.

=: Just a couple of lines, you say?

1: I dont mean any offense. I just

=: Just what? Just think a couple of lines cant accomplish great things?

1: Well, I

=: What about Plus? Isnt s/he just a couple of lines?

1: I suppose s/he is, but

=: But what? S/Hes taller? (Sighs) You just sit tight, Number One, and Ill show you whata couple of lines can do...

(= stands besides 2, so that the four characters form a complete 1 + 2 =.)

2: One, you are going to be blown away by this...

+: Everyone know what to do?

1: I dont.

2: Just say your name.

1: My name?

2: Yeah. Just say it.

1: One.

+: Plus.


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2: Two.

=: Equals.

(A very enthusiastic 3 hops on-stage and bounces over to the other side of =.)

3: THREE!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeee...!!!!!!!

1: Where did s/he come from?

=: What can I say? I got skills.

+: We have skills.

=: You couldnt do a thing before I got here.

+: Would you have been able to do anything if I wasnt here?

2: Cmon,lets settle down here.

3: Why is everyone fighting? Did I do something wrong?

(1 approaches 3.)

1: Oh, um, no, no. Its not you.

3: Are you sure?

1: Im positive.

3: Say, I dont believe weve met.

1: Im One. And you are...Three?

+: Oooh....Ive got an idea!

(+ gets in-between 1 and 3.)

+: This is genius. Equals, would you please do me the generous favor of standing next toThree?

=: Why? Weve got enough numbers here already.


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+: Please, Equals. For old times sake.

=: But you know what were going to get.

+: Pretty please with a cherry on top?

=: (reluctantly) Oh, fine.

(1, +, 3, and = stand in a line in that order.)

+: Everybody, say your names, please.

2: Two.

+: Not you, Two.

2: You said everybody. Arent I a part of everybody?

+: I meant everybody in the line here.

2: Oh. I see how it is.

+: Youll get your turn.

2: Alright, alright. Sure. You guys have your fun. Ill just wait right over here.

+: Okay, folks...

1: One.

+: Plus.

3: Three!

(They all turn to =, who speaks with reservation.)

=: Equals.

(A very disgruntled and unhappy 4 enters.)

4: Four.

3: Hi, Four!


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4: Yeah. Hello. Why am I here?

3: One and I added ourselves together! Im Three, by the way!

4: Maybe I didnt want to be added. Ever think of that?

3: Oh, dont say such a thing!

4: I was perfectly happy being off by myself.

3: But now youre with us! Three and One!

+: And Plus and Equals!

2: Um, hello? What about me?

1: Sorry, Two...Youre really not a part ofthis.

4: I dont want to be a part of this either!

(4 stomps over to 2.)

4: Dont worry, pal. Youre not missing much over there. Theyre kind of odd.

2: Hey, Ive got an idea...We could form our own little group here. A much more level-headed group...More even...

4: Yeah, I like the sound of that...

3: Uh, Four? The equations not complete without you! Come back!

(2 approaches 3. + and = whisper to each other. = dislikes the plan, but agrees nevertheless.)

2: If Number Four wants to be left alone, you have to respect that.

3: What if I dont wanna?

(+ quickly runs in-between 2 and 3, breaking up their feud.)

+: Two! Three! Lets discuss this like rational numbers, please!

(= nonchalantly walks up to 2.)

=: Im sorry...Having trouble remembering. Youre name was...?


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2: You know my name! Two!

(= turns to +.)

+: Plus.

(= looks to 3, who answers impatiently.)

3: Three!

(= stands to 3's side.)

=: Equals.

(5, a very doubtful individual, enters and stands beside =.)

5: Five?

+: Exactly.

3: You tricked us!

=: Exactly.

3: That wasnt very nice.

4: Just what we need...More of us...

1: Its starting to get crowded here. Im not used to this.

5: What is the meaning of life?

(Everyone looks at 5, confused.)

5: Just asking.

(3 leads 5 over to 1.)

3: Well ask away!

4: Fine. Go ahead and join the odd numbers, why dont you.

5: Why not join the odd numbers? Am I not...odd? And what is odd but a label?


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4: Yeah, I guess you are odd.

5: Yes, yes...odd indeed...

(2 walks up to 4 and pulls him back to their side of the stage. + and = remain in the middle.)

2: Theyve got us outnumbered, Four!

4: They can outnumber us if they want. I really dont care.

2: I do! Plus! Equals!

(+ hurries over to 2.)

+: Yes...???

2: Equals!

=: What was that?

2: Please?

=: Alright then.

(= joins them.)

3: What are they doing over there?

(2, +, 4, and = begin to line up, although = is resisting.)

1: Looks like theyre...Could it be? Yes...Theyre adding.

3: Adding!

1: Adding.

3: We have to stop this!

5: Is it our right to stop addition? Is not addition a natural process?

3: (to 1) I dont understand.

1: Me neither. Lets just stop this.


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2: Two!

+: Plus!

(Pause. + nudges 4.)

4: (half-hearted) Four.

(3 covers =s mouth, rendering him/her unable to speak.)

=: Mhmmmhmmm!!!!

2: Well thats not nice. Only an odd number like you could be so mean!

3: Mean? Ill show you mean!

(2 and 3 are about to fight. + and = jump in between the groups.)

+: Everybody, lets settle down...

2: Oh, am I actually included in everybody this time?

5: How can we be everybody when there are bodies not here?

(Pause, as everyone is confused.)

+: Okay, look...Equals and I came here today to help liven things up. As One had beenfinding out, its no fun to just hang around yourself all the time. We thought wed be bringingmore numbers together, not spreading them apart! (To evens) Yes, they may be a little odd. (Toodds) And yes, they may be a little more even. (To all) But youre all still numbers! Back me

up, Equals! Please.

=: Yeah. (Pointing to each) Number. Number. Number. Number. Number. One. Two.Three. Four. Five.

(+ grabs 1 and pulls to him to stage right.)

+: Yes! Thats it! One! Right over here, please!

(+ pulls 2 stage-left of 1.)

+: And Two! If you dont mind....Alright, whats next? Three!


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3: What?

+: We need you right here, please!

3: Next to Two?

+: He wont bite! Right, Two?

2: Fine, I wont bite.

(3 reluctantly stands left of 2.)

+: Four, if you will?

(4 shrugs and walks over left of 3.)

4: Sure, why not?

+: Last, and certainly not least...Number Five!

5: I stand next to Four?

+: Yes, that should work.

(5 stands left of 4, so that all five numbers stand in a row in proper order.)

+: Isnt that swell?

=: Warms my heart. Really.

+: Now this isnt so bad, is it?

3: I guess not.

2: Ill live.

+: You can do better than that. Everybody shake hands.

(Going down the line, each number shakes the nexts hand.)

+: There you go. One, Two, Three, Four, Five. I think thats an excellent start.

1: I like this. Im not all alone anymore.


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2: I suppose I was over-reacting a little bit.

3: Youre not all that bad, really.

4: Whatever. This is fine.

5: Fine? Yes...Yes...I think this is fine...

+: Fine indeed! But why end here? There are more numbers out there. Ive heard tell of anumber Six...and a Seven...and an Eight...and a Nine...And so many others of all different shapesand sizes! Ladies and Gentlemen, I say we take it upon ourselves to find these other numbers!Equals! Would you care to help us out in our quest?

=: Eh, could be fun.

+: Then off we go! (Very over-dramatic) Lets find Number Six!

(The numbers and signs all race off, eager to find the other numbers. Lights down.)


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Characters:PriceKaileyNateJillian

Miss Ross (voice over only)

(The play starts with a bright flash of light. Afterward, Price, Kailey, and Nate collapse in themiddle of a barren stage, almost looking like theyve fallen onto it. All three are high school

seniors. Price is an excitedly geeky sort. Kailey is a middle-class, semi-popular smart girl.Nates a jock through and through.)

(Immediately, the three rise to their feet, disoriented. While Kailey and Nate shake out theirsleepy limbs and dust themselves off, Price stands centerstage and looks up, as he realizes whathappened to them.)

Price: Oops.

Kailey: Price, what on earth did you just...do...

(Kailey looks up, and her jaw drops.)

Nate: Yeah, dude, whatever it was packed a...wallop...

(Nate also looks up, slack-jawed.)

Price: I, uh, seem to have shrunk us. (Apologetic) I didnt meanmy finger slipped...

(Everyone is still processing this information. Only Price is calm about this.)

Kailey: So is that why my backpack has grown to a hundred feet high?

Price: Well, it didnt actuallygrow. You see, Kailey, youre just roughly an inch tall, soit appears

(Nate and Kailey converge on Price.)

Nate: Were how tall?

Kailey: You shrank us. (To Nate) Nate, he shrank us! (Back to Price) That was a shrinkray you were showing us? How do you even have a shrink ray?

Price: I invented it.


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Nate: You need a life.

Kailey: We came here to work on our Biology project, and you felt like you just had toshow us your shrink ray?

Nate: Im trying to think of something that demonstrates not having a life more thanbuilding a shrink ray...

Price: I thought it would help us out! Were doing a group report on micro-organisms,arent we?

Kailey: That doesnt mean we have to become them!

Nate: Cant you just read sci-fi books like all the other losers?

Price: Look, this isnt the end of the world. This is reversible! You see, the shrink ray

should still work fine. Its just, um... (looks downstage and up) ...on that lab table. Way upthere.

(Wide-eyed, they all crane their necks to look up. Kailey turns back to Price.)

Kailey: Did you say should?

Nate: And how would you suggest we reach that ray thing?

Price: Well...we cant. I mean, we could try to climb up there, but, uh, wed most likelyslip and fall to our deaths.

(They all look up and contemplate that for a moment.)

Price: But remember, our project group has a fourth member who should be here anyminute now.

Kailey: Yeah. Cheerleader-girl. If Jillian actually shows up, that would be a miracle.

Price: I dobelieve Ive already proven that anything is possible.

Kailey: Yeah, but her being reliablethats really pushing it.

Price: Okay, well, Miss Ross said shed come in and check on us once in a while...aftershe finished grading that test we just took...

Kailey: The one that took over an hour to finish? With all the essay questions? Thehand-written essay questions?


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Price: Yeah, that one.

Nate: I knew that test would kill me...

Kailey: (despairing) My future depends on a giant cheerleader.

Price: Relatively giant.

(Nate has a sudden, explosive, frightening thought.)

Nate: Oh, man! It just occurred to me!

Price: What?

Nate: I cant play football! How can I play football if I cant even pick up the darn ball?

Oh, dang it. I cant even lift a football. A football! Im a weakling. You made me a weakling!You made me one of the shortest kids in school! How can a man be expected to live throughsuch humiliation?

Kailey: Im sorry...Man?

Nate: I cant beat anybody up anymore. (Realizes the implications of this) I cant evenbeat up a little freshman! No one! (Looks at Price, furious) Except you!

(Nate lunges at Price, grabbing him by the collar. Kailey tries to get between them.)

Kailey: Okay, lets calm down. Just take a moment and take some deep breaths...

(They all take deep breaths, and soon start choking and coughing. They soon settle down.)

Nate: Holy!

Kailey: What the heck?

Price: (recovering) Oh, yeah... (coughs) ...Our lungs have shrunk, but oxygen has remained thesame size.

(Nate panics.)

Nate: What does that mean? We cant breathe? Are we going to suffocate and die?Oh, man, how long and painful is that going to be?

Kailey: (slowly, as if to a moron) Were breathing right now.


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Nate: Oh. Right.

Price: Our little bodies just need some time to adjust. Thats all.

(Nate walks off to a corner to sit and stew.)

Nate: Little bodies. Ugh.

Price: Lets look on the bright side here. We have such a unique physical perspectivethat no one in history has ever had before! I mean, doesnt everything just look amazing? Eventhe most mundane objects have become extraordinary! Take that pencil over there...How cool isthat?

Kailey: Its very...textured.

Price: Cmon, we should just think of this like an adventure! Its us versus a wholeworld of giants!

(Kailey looks down.)

Kailey: I think I see micro-organisms. (She lowers her head and squints at the floor.) Isthat an amoeba?

Nate: Oh, crap, what time is it?

Price: Five oclock.

Nate: Less than three hours to my date. With the hottest girl in school. Im supposed topick her up in less than three hours.

(Kailey walks over to Nate and mocks him.)

Kailey: Well, guess what? Now she can pick you up! Youll be a hero to feministseverywhere!

Nate: This is gonna be so awkward. What will she think of me now? Im a midget!

Kailey: No, you look up to midgets.

Nate: Ive waited so long for that date. Maybe if I start heading toward the door now, Imight be able to make it to...my really big car...Agh!

(Kailey gasps as she realizes something terrible. She starts toward Price.)


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Kailey: I cant drive. I finally got my drivers license...My parents made me wait untilmy senior year to get that license...and now I cant reach the pedal! Or the wheel!

(Kailey hits Price repeatedly.)

Price: Ow! Ow!

(They all freeze, as they hear the sound of really loud footsteps.)

Nate: Whos that?

(They all stare up, awestruck.)

Price: Its...a really huge Jillian.

(Kailey hits him again.)

Kailey: Dont call a girl huge.

(They all stare up again, overwhelmed by their classmates size. More footsteps are heard.)

Kailey: But Ive got to admit...wow.

Price: Those are really long legs...

Nate: Yeah. Seriously.

Kailey: Um, shouldnt we...?

Price: Right!

(They all rush toward one side of the stage, shouting up.)

Kailey: Hey!

Price: Jillian!

Nate: Jillian, down here!

(Kailey gets to the very edge of the stage.)

Kailey: Jillian, look at the


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(Price pulls her back, as another loud footstep is heard.)

Kailey: Hey, watch your step, you big bimbo!

Nate: Be nice to the giant cheerleader.

Kailey: Scared of a girl, are you?

(Nate looks up, intimidated.)

Nate: Um...of course not. No.

Price: Look, shes listening to her iPod. Shell never hear us with that thing.

Kailey: Miss Ross really needs to finish grading those tests.

Price: If she cant hear us...A-ha! A paperclip!

Nate: Thats a...? Oh, yeah, it is. So?

(Price runs off-stage, in the direction of Jillian.)

Kailey: What is he doing with that paperclip? Hes climbing onto her shoe? Ew, thatsgotta smell...

(Jillians lines are voice-overs, loud and from high above.)

Jillian: Ow!

Kailey: (approving) He just poked that ditzs ankle. I wouldnt have minded doing that.

Nate: Look, shes taking off the headphones.

Jillian: What the heck just pinched me?

(Price returns onstage, as he waves up at Jillian. Nate and Kailey do the same, also jumping upand down.)

Price: I did! Look down here, Jillian!

Nate: Jillian!

Kailey: I think she sees us!


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Jillian: Oh, my...

Price: Yep, she definitely does.

Kailey: And shes processing...

Nate: (taking a few steps back) She better not faint...

Jillian: What on earth happened to you all?

Nate: This loser built a shrinking ray! Because he has no life!

Jillian: I cant believe this. Youre all so...cute! (Giggles.)

Kailey: (to herself) Why couldnt anybody else have been our fourth group member?

Nate: This might be the most embarrassing moment of my life. (Yelling at Price.) Ima popular jock! Im not supposed to have embarrassing moments!

Jillian: This is too adorable! I cant wait to tell the rest of the squad about this.

Price: Jillian, theres a really easy way for us to get back to normal, but youre the onlyone of us who can operate the machine at the moment.

Kailey: (muttering) Yeah, make her more big-headed than she already...Oh, gosh. (ShovesPrice.) Youve reduced me to making puns!

Jillian: (having fun with the situation) You know, if you guys need it, theres an empty hamstercage at the back of the room over there. Has the spinny wheel and everything.

Price: No, no. All we need for you is to go over to the machine sitting on that lab table,lower the nozzle toward us, and then press the blue button. Then well all be big again, and this

will be behind us. Just, uh, dont stand in the path of the ray.

Jillian: I think I can handle that.

Kailey: And watch your step!

(Their heads follow Jillian to the other side of the stage.)

Kailey: (soft) After we grow, can we shrink her?

Jillian: Ahh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh!


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Price: What? What is it?

Jillian: Theres a spider!

(Everyone sighs.)

Jillian: Its like, right on your shrinky dink machine! Ew! Ew! I cant touch that!

Kailey: Jillian, if you dont take care of that spider, I swear, I dont care how tiny I am, Iwill

(Nate covers Kaileys mouth.)

Nate: Dont antagonize her!

Kailey: Im impressed you know what that word means.

Price: Jillian, if you give me a lift onto the table, maybe I can scare it off for you.

Nate: Yeah, send me up, too. Between both of us, we can take that sucker.

Jillian: Do you mind? Its so icky!

Kailey: No! All of you, stop being ridiculous. (To Jillian) Look at the size of you! Andlook at the size of them! Theyre tiny guys! The smallest and puniest in the whole school! And

you would ask that of them?

(Nate and Price both feel emasculated and inadequate. Nate looks at Price and punches him inthe shoulder.)

Price: Ow! What?

Nate: Ive gotta take what I can get.

Kailey: Look, Jillian, if you cant handle that spider, then go get Miss Ross. Shes in theteachers lounge, right down the hall.

Jillian: Hold on, its moved. I think I can do it if I hit it really fast...

Price: Careful!

Kailey: No, I really think you should just

Jillian: Ah!


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(The bright light flashes. Jillian stumbles onstage, disoriented.)

Jillian: Oh, my head... (Sees everyone else) Hey! Youre big again! It worked!

(Price, Kailey, and Nate point up. Jillian looks up and nearly goes into shock.)

Jillian: Diddid I accidentally grow that table and stool, too?

(The others shake their heads no.)

Jillian: Im...tiny?

(They shake their heads yes. Jillian suddenly becomes irate. She storms at Price, grabs him bythe collar and shakes him violently.)

Jillian: You shrank me, you little nerd?! You shrank me?! Me?!!! Im not supposed tobe tiny! Im captain of the cheerleading squad! Im the most popular girl in the school! I wasthe Homecoming queen! The Homecoming queen!

(Jillian pulls away from Price. She looks up, as her anger turns into despair.)

Jillian: My life is ruined. Ive become invisible. Insignificant. Who can hear my cheersnow?

Kailey: The amoeba at your feet can.

Nate: Im not going on that date tonight, am I?

(Jillian looks up at the shrink ray and becomes mortally fearful.)

Jillian: Ah! The spiders still up there!

(She hides behind Nate, who feels as though hes reclaimed some small shred of masculinity.)

Kailey: Okay, Ill give you that. Now youre allowed to be afraid of the spider.

Price: I just had an interesting thought...If someone got bit by a radioactive spider at thissize...

Nate: Just stop.

(They all look up at the spider, curiously fearful.)


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Kailey: Im having trouble telling if that spiders bigger or smaller than us. Jillian, didthat look smaller than we did?

Jillian: I was trying not to look at it!

(They stare up at the spider, uncomfortable.)

Price: So...whos up for an adventurous trek down to the teachers lounge?

Kailey: Are you actually enjoying being small?

Price: Well, its a fascinating experience. At least, it is when none of you are hitting me.

Nate: You need a hobby.

Jillian: I need to be big! How do I get big?

(Kailey walks up to Jillian and pinches her cheeks.)

Kailey: (baby voice) Aw, but youre so cute and adorable like you are! Yes, you are!

(Nate pulls out his cell phone.)

Nate: Hey! I have my cell phone with me! Ill call for help! (Opens phone and looksat it, disappointed.) No signal...

(Loud footsteps are heard.)

Price: Hey! Its...

(Price, Kailey, and Nate rush downstage, shouting up. Jillian stays in place, astonished.)

Price: Miss Ross!

Kailey: Down here, Miss Ross!

Nate: Please be careful where you step, Miss Ross!

(Jillian faints. No one seems to care. All of Miss Rosss lines are voice-overs.)

Miss Ross: You know, I was expecting to come in and find four normal-sized studentsworking hard on their project, but instead, here you all are, gallivanting about the size of bugs.Shameful. What will I do with you kids?


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Price: We had a little accident. Its a long story. But that shrink ray up there can fixeverything...

Miss Ross: Price, I am surprised at you. Dont you know shrink rays are against schoolpolicy?

Price: How can they be? I just invented it for the first time!

Miss Ross: For such a serious code violation, youre facing a week of suspension, minimum.

Price: Sussuspension? But I

Nate: (softly to Price) I dont think youre in a position to argue with her.

Miss Ross: Yes, a week of suspension, but well start with some detention, right now. I thinkIll have you scrub the floorsat your current size, of course.

(The students suspect shes not serious, but arent certain.)

Miss Ross: Im just kidding. Cant a teacher have some fun with her shrunken students?Gosh, you all are gullible. Climb onto my hand, everyone.

(Price, Kailey, and Nate rush offstage, looking relieved. Jillian still lies fainted on the floor.)

Miss Ross: So I just press this button here? OkaEw! A spider! (beat) Oh, stop looking atme like that! Relax! Here we go...

(Flash of light. The rest of Price, Kailey, and Nates lines are the loud voice-overs.)

Nate: Finally! Thank you!

Miss Ross: Feeling better?

Kailey: Yes! Everythings nice and small again!

Nate: Im no longer a wimp! I can go on my date and not be awkward!

Price: See, guys? Now that its over, wasnt that a fun experience? (Beat) Ow!

Miss Ross: No hitting, or Ill shrink you all right back down.

Kailey, Nate, Price: Yes, Miss Ross.

Nate: Hey, look at Jillian!


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Price: Yeah, man, we were small...

Kailey: Hey, Miss Ross, can I use the hamster cage for a little bit?

(Lights down.)


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Own Worst Enemy


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Characters:GeorgeKristenGeorges inner thoughts (IT)

Scene 1

(As the curtain opens, George and Kristen are seated in the theater, laughing, smiling, andappearing as though theyre having a good time. Generic movie sounds are heard, and they

become quieter as soon as IT starts thinking. George glances over at Kristen.)

IT: I think she likes you. Shes smiling. Thats a good sign.

(George turns back toward the screen, smiling even more, as his confidence increases,momentarily. He abruptly stops smiling, as he wonders. He becomes nervous and uncertain.)

IT: But what if she just likes the movie? It is kind of funny. She might not like you at all.

(As Kristen continues to enjoy the movie, George becomes more introspective and serious, as hecarefully plans out his next move.)

IT: Should you put your arm around her? Then youd know for sure. If Kristen getscomfortable, that should be sufficient enough evidence...

(George begins to raise and arm.)

IT: Well, I guess it cant hurt to try...

(George begins to put his arm around her, very slowly, but then he suddenly pulls back, as hewonders again.)

IT: But what if you do that and she gets really tense or uneasy? That would probably meanshe finds you repulsive. (dwells on it a little) Oh, what the heck...

(George sits back and once again begins to put his arm around her. He suddenly stops again.)

IT: But should you really be showing that much affection so soon? Were still relativelyearly into the date...

(Kristen glances over at George and notices his serious demeanor. She doesnt know what tomake of it. Shes somewhat confused.)


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Kristen: George? Are you okay?

(For a brief moment, George looks like a deer caught in headlights. He then turns towardKristen, and though he tries desperately to be smooth and suave about it, hes very ill at ease.)

IT: Uh-oh.

George: What? Oh, yeah, of course. Im fine.

Kristen: Are you sure? You seem really uncomfortable.

IT: AAHH!

George: Un--un-un-uncomfortable? No, no, I m fine. Really. (makes a pathetic attempt at asmile.) Heh! Heh.

(George and Kristen both turn back toward the screen. Kristen isnt smiling any more, and

George is even more uncomfortable. Hes very upset with himself.)

IT: Oh, yeah, that was good! Real smooth there. You stuttered! You moron! That was themost pathetic display Ive ever seen! What were you thinking? Apparently, you werent

thinking. Use your brain, man!

(George glances over at Kristen. She laughs at something in the movie.)

IT: Laughter. Excellent. You can still recover from that calamity. But the questionremains...How? Should you just hope that she forgets? But how do you get her to forget? Youhave to do something of note that cancels out your previous awkwardness. Hmm... (Georgesface lights up with an idea.) The arm! Youll put your arm around her! And this time, you

really will! Here we go...

(George picks up his arm, quicker than before, and he begins to put it around Kristen, but it juststops in mid-air.)

IT: Wait a sec. Youre sure about this?

George: (muttering) I thought I was.

IT: Then why arent you moving your arm? Is it stuck?

George: (muttering to himself) Well, no...I dont think it is...I just...I dont know...Maybe this is

a sign. Maybe I shouldnt...


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(His arm goes back and forth a few times.)

IT: Of course you should!

George: Cant get it to--

IT: Try harder!

(He goes all the way with the arm, but in the process, he winds up smacking the back ofKristens head.)

Kristen: Ow!

IT: That was definitely not good. Idiot!

George: Oh! Im sorry. I didnt mean to--

Kristen: Its okay. Dont worry about it.

(They both face the screen again. Kristen slouches in her chair a bit, not very happy anymore.George becomes more irate with himself.)

IT: What kind of apology was that? You must have looked like the biggest dork alive.Forget the apology--You hit her? What kind of psycho hits his date? I hope she doesnt reportyou for that...

(George turns toward Kristen and notices how unhappy she looks.)

IT: Shes no longer smiling. Thats not good.

(George starts fiddling with his fingers, as he tries desperately to think of a way to recover. Hetwists around in his chair, uncomfortably.)

IT: Okay, okay...Its still not too late...You can still make a comeback...All you have to dois...Ahh...Uh...Umm...Well...Uhhhh...Hmmm...Youve really screwed yourself over, havent

you?

(George is excited as he finally gets an idea.)

IT: Thats it!

(He pounds a fist on the armrest and accidentally strikes Kristens hand.)


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laugh once or twice--always a good thing. You still could have been funnier, though, but thatsalright. Its a start. You want to save your best material for later on. Its always best to escalate

in quality as the night progresses. (pulls out a megaphone and yells through it; George cringes)So escalate! Impress the girl, for the love of--!

George: (muttering to himself) Im working on it!

(Kristen keeps a curious and confused eye on George, wondering what his problem is.)

IT: And what a fine job youre doing! Look at these charts--! The lines almost vertical!She couldnt be losing interest in you any faster if you were--

George: Hey! Just give me a moment! Ive got the rest of the movie to--

IT: --Think very carefully about how you can salvage this train wreck while she continues togrow more and more bored with you?

George: Shut up! I can do it!

(Kristen turns to George, freaked out.)

Kristen: Uh...George? Are you talking to yourself?

(George, embarrassed, merely shakes his head pathetically.)

George: N-no.

IT: Alright, man. Lets see you save the day.

George: (mumbling incoherently) A joke, a joke...need a joke...What would be funny...?

(Silence for a moment, and then Kristen gets up from her seat. George looks at the screen inrealization.)

George: Whats with all those words on the scre--Ohhh...The movies over.

Kristen: Well...

George: Well...

IT: Do you even know what happened in the end?

George: Well...


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IT: Guess you were too busy worrying about what to do now.

(George stands up.)

George: (awkwardly) Well...

IT: Oh, you havent come up with anything, have you?

George: That was a, uh, fun movie, wasnt it?

Kristen: It was okay.

IT: Okay? Okay? Okay is not okay. This silence isnt okay either. Say something!

George: (dumbly) Uh...

Kristen: Hold on a second. Im going to get a drink of water.

George: Okay.

(Kristen walks off-stage, stage right, upstage. George lags behind and is very frustrated withhimself.)

IT: You forgot to offer her a drink or a snack. How could you? Youre going to have tomake up for it.

(George takes out some cologne and sprays a lot of it, almost emptying the bottle. He exits.)

Scene 2:

(George and Kristen enter downstage, with Kristen slightly ahead, in front of the scenery as itchanges to that of a parking lot.)

Kristen: Okay, lets go.

IT: She seems a little anxious. Dont let her walk by herself.

(George catches up, and she begins coughing and rubbing her eyes as she smells his massiveamounts of cologne.)

George: (not getting it) Kristen? Are you okay?


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(Kristen recovers from her cough a little, but continues rubbing her eyes)

Kristen: Is that cologne youre wearing?

George: Uh, yeah...

Kristen: (backs off, begins scratching her arms) Im allergic to cologne. It really irritates myskin and eyes.

IT: Didnt she tell you that?

George: (to himself) I dont think so...

Kristen: Yes, it does!

IT: Well, now youve really done it. You cant even get close to her. Weve got to get rid ofthat foul smell of yours. Theres a car wash over there.

(George runs offstage, and almost immediately returns soaking wet.)

George: There we go. Colognes all gone.

(George and Kristen talk silently as IT speaks. George does most of the talking. As they speaksilently, Kristen looks very disinterested, and George tries to act funny.)

IT: (sighs) Now weve got to get her to forget this, too. I suppose on the bright side, shes

probably already forgotten about how you accidentally hit her. Well, probably not. That wasreally bad. Now should you hold her hand? No! Absolutely n--Well...

(George almost reaches for her hand a couple of times, going back and forth once again, untilKristen notices.)

Kristen: Whats wrong with your hand?

George: Uh...

IT: She thinks youre a darn freak! Make a good excuse!

George: You see...I...hurt it...yesterday...as I was...working out. Yeah, it still stings a little.(shakes it out a few more times) Have to move it around to keep the, uh, blood flowing. Yeah.

IT: What on Earth was that? Working out? You dont work out. She probably thinks youre


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some kind of show-off now.

(Loud music is heard. The music can be hard rock, heavy metal, rap or anything really noisy.George and Kristen walk toward the car.)

IT: Those kids in that convertible over there are playing their music really loud. Its kind ofobnoxious. Heres the car...

(George unlocks the passengers side door and opens it for Kristen.)

IT: Open the door for her...careful...Good...good...

George: Here you go.

Kristen: (yelling over the music) What?!

IT: I think she just said something. Cant hear her over this noise...Better speak up.

George: (yelling) Did you say something?!

Kristen: (yelling) What did you say?!

George: (yelling) I said, did you say something?!

Kristen: (yelling) I just asked what you said!

(Music abruptly cuts off.)

George: (still yelling) I just said, here you go!

(George feels slightly embarrassed. Kristen gives him yet another odd look.)

Kristen: Okay.

(Kristen gets in the car. George stands outside.)

IT: At least that one wasnt completely your fault. You could have been paying a little more

attention at the end there, saved yourself a little embarrassment, but--(Kristen looks at him, asshe waits for him to close the door.) Oh! Shes in. Close the door. Gently...

(George closes it successfully.)

IT: Good! Now to walk over, and--


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(George walks in front of the car toward the drivers side, but he trips over his own two feet

while hes directly

all the cool kids do theatre

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