adventures in parenting (br)

8/12/2019 Adventures in Parenting (BR)

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How

and

Can Help

You Be a

Successful

Parent

National Institute of

Child Health and

Human Development

National Institutes

of Health


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Dear Fellow Parent,

As parents,we have the most important job in the world.There is

nothing we do in our lifetimes that is more significant than how we raise

our children. Its a challenging, full-time job that lasts throughout our

lives,no matter how old our children get.While parenting presents us with

struggles and trials, it also offers us many rewards.Those rewards, too,

can last through our lives.

This booklet addresses certain struggles and trials of parenting and

highlights some of its many rewards.The information is based on decades

of research on parenting,as well as the experiences of actual parents and

experts in parenting.The booklet is designed for parents of every

background, from first-time parents to grandparents, so that any one who

interacts with children can benefit from this valuable information.

Parenting is not only vital to our present,but also to our future,as our

children themselves become parents. Raising children is an adventure,

full of surprises and changes. I hope that this information helps you to shape

your own parenting practices and beliefs,as you embark on your own

parenting adventure.

Sincerely yours,

Duane Alexander,MD

Director

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development


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RPM3

4-10YEA

RS

11-14YEARS

0-3YEARS

Table of contents

Adventures in parenting

Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

Preventing risky behavior or problems before they arise

Monitoring your childs contact with his or her surrounding world

Mentoring your child to support and encourage desired behaviors

Modeling your own behavior to providea consistent,positive example for your child

Now what should I do?

Is your child under three?

Then read this...

Is your child between ages four and ten?Then read this...

Is your child between ages eleven and fourteen?Then read this...

References

Acknowledgements

For more information...

2

5

8

12

16

20

23

24

35

47

61

62

63


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Adventures in parenting

Have you heard the latest advice about parenting?

Of course you have. From experts to other parents,people are always

ready to give you parenting advice. Parenting tips,parents survival guides,

dos,donts, shoulds,and shouldntsnew ones come out every day.

But with so much information available,how can anyone figure out what

reallyworks? How do you know whose advice to follow? Isnt parenting just

common sense anyway? How can the experts know what its like to be

a parent in a real house?

Whats a parent to do?

Try RPM3a no-frills approach to parenting from the National Institute

of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD).

For over 30 years, the NICHD has conducted and supported research

in parenting and child development.Weve talked to experts,parents,

and children.Weve collected statistics, identified myths,and tested suggestions.The result is RPM3.

The RPM3 guidelines arent meant to be just another

parenting how to, telling you what to do. Instead,RPM3

separates the useful information from the not-so-useful so that you can

make your own decisions about parenting. RPM3 does more than tell

stories about what people thinkabout parenting, it incorporates 30 yearsof NICHD research to tell you what really works.

RPM3 confirms something that you already know:parentsdomatter.

You matter. Read on to find out just how much...

2

Parentsdom atter.

A


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The first section of this booklet explains

each item in RPM3, responding,

preventing, monitoring, mentoring,

and modeling, in more detail.Theselessons describe how RPM3 can help you

make daily decisions about parenting.The

remaining sections of the booklet give

examples of how some parents have used the

lessons of RPM3 with their own children.

As you read,you will notice numbers, like1 or 7 next to certain words.These numbers

relate to the research that supports an idea

or concept, listed on theReferences page.

These references give you more information

about NICHD parenting research.

So where do we start?

The first thing you need to know is that

there are no perfect parents.Parenting isnt

all-or-nothing.Successesandmistakes are

part of being a parent.Start to think about

the type of parent you want to be. RPM3

offers research-based guidelines for being:

An effective parent

Your words and actions influence your

child the way you want them to.

A consistentparent

You follow similar principles or practices in your words and actions.

An active parent

You participate in your childs life.

An attentive parent

You pay attention to your childs life and observe what goes on.

RPM3

3

RPM3stands for:

Responding to your

child in an appropriate

manner.

Preventing risky

behavior or problems

before they arise.

Monitoring your

childs contact with his or

her surrounding world.

Mentoring your

child to support and

encourage desired

behaviors.

Modeling your own

behavior to provide a

consistent, positive

example for your child.


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By including responding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,and

modeling in your day-to-day parenting activities,you can become a more

effective,consistent,active,and attentive parent.

Once you have learned about each RPM3 guideline,go to the section

that describes your childs age to see how some parents use these guidelines

in their everyday parenting.Think about steps you can take to use these

guidelines and ideas in your own day-to-day parenting.

Being a more effective,consistent,active,and attentive parent is a choice

that only you can make.

Keep in mind...

As you learn about the RPM3 guidelines and read the examples, remember

that responding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,and modeling have their

place in parenting every child including those children with special or

different needs.

All childrenbe they mentally challenged,mentally gifted,physically

challenged,physically gifted,or some combination of thesecan benefit

from the guidelines in RPM3.The children described in the booklets

examples might be in wheelchairs; they could have leukemia or asthma;they

may take college level courses;or they might be in special classes for kids

with attention deficit disorder.

The stories dont specifically mention these traits because all kids need

day-to-day parenting, including those in special situations.The guidelines

presented in RPM3 focus on how to handle day-to-day parenting choices,

in which a childs abilities or disabilities are not the most important

factors.The booklets examples also apply to families of any culture, religion,

living arrangement, economic status,and size.They address situations that

all families experience,even if the specific family details are slightly different.

Lets begin by learning the lessons that RPM3 has to teach,starting with the

R Responding to your child in an appropriate manner.

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Responding to your


m anner

This guideline may seem obvious,but responding is more than just giving

your child attention. The words are actually saying two different things:

1)make sure youre responding to your child,not reacting;and2) make

sure your response isappropriate, not overblown or out-of-proportion,too casual or minimal,or too late.

Are you reacting or responding to your child?

Many parents reactto their children.That is, they answer with the first

word,feeling,or action that comes to mind. Its a normal thing to do,

especially with all the other things people do every day.

When you react, you arent making a decision about what outcome you

want from an event or action. Even more than that, if you react, you cant

choosethe best way to reach the outcome you want.

Responding to your child means that you

take a moment to think about what is really

going on before you speak, feel,or act.

Responding is much harder than reacting

because it takes more time and effort.

The time that you take between looking at

the event and acting, speaking,or feeling is

vital to your relationship with your child.

That time,whether it be a few seconds, five

minutes,or a day or two,allows you to seethings more clearly, in terms of what is

happening right now and what you want

to happen in the long-run.

R

The tim e that

you take betw een

looking at the

event and acting,

speaking, or

feeling is vitalto your relationship

w ith your child.

RPM3


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What is an appropriate response?

An appropriate response is one that fits the situation. Both your childs age

and the specific facts of the occasion are important in deciding what a fitting

response is. For example,a fitting response for a baby who is crying differs

from a fitting response for a four-year-old or a 10-year-old who is crying.

A fitting response for an instance in which a child is running depends on

whether that child is running into a busy street or running to the swing set

on the playground.Your childs physical or emotional needs may also shape

your decision about a fitting response.

Responding to your child

in an appropriate manner

allows you to:

Think about all the options

before you make a decision.

This will help you choose the

best way to get from the currentsituation to the outcome that

you want. By taking time to see

a problem from many sides, for

instance,you are more likely

to choose the most fitting response.

For situations that happen often,

your well-thought-out responsecan become almost automatic, like

picking up a crying baby.

Answer some basic questions:

Do your words get across what you

are trying to say? Do your actions

match your words? Are youremotions getting in the way of your

decision-making? Do you know

the reasons for your childs actions

or behavior?

6

Did you know...?

Parents do matter!1

Of all the things that

influence your childs

growth and development,

one of the most important

is the reliable, responsive,

and sensitive care your

child gets from you.

You play a key role in

your childs development,

along with your childs

intelligence, temperament,

outside stresses, and

social environment.


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RPM3

7

Consider previous, similar events

and recall how you handled them.

You can remind your child of these other

times and their outcomes, to show thatyou are really thinking about your decision.

You can use your past experiences to

judge the current situation,decide the

outcome you want, and figure out how

to reach that outcome.

Be a more consistent parent.Your child will know that you are not

making decisions based on whim,

especially if you explain how you made

your choice.Your child will be more

likely to come to you with questions or

problems if he or she has some idea of

what to expect from you. Warm,concerned,and sensitive responses will also increase

the likelihood of your child coming

to you with questions or problems.

Remember that consistent parenting does

not mean inflexible parenting.

Offer an example of how to make thoughtful decisions.As your child gets older,he or she will know your decision-making

process and will appreciate the time you take.Your child might even

pattern him or herself after you.

Build a solid but flexible bond of trust between you

and your child.

A solid bond holds up to tough situations;a flexible bond survives thechanges in your child and in your relationship with your child that are

certain to occur.

Now you can either go to the examples,or read on to learn theP in RPM3.

Did you know...?

Parents have a

profound influence

on children from

the beginning of their

childrens lives.2

As a parent, you can

have close contact with

your child from the

time he or she is small.

That type of contact builds

trust; with trust comes

commitment. Parents who

are committed to theirchilds well-being can have

a very positive effect on

their child.


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Preventing risky

behavior or problem s

before they arise

Seems easy enough.You childproof your house to make sure your

crawling baby or toddler cant get into the cleaning products or electrical

outlets. You catch your eight-year-old jumping on the bed and make her

stop. You make your 12-year old wear his helmet when he rides his bike,no matter how dumbhe thinks it makes him look.

But prevention goes beyond just saying no or stop.There are two parts

to prevention:1) Spotting possible problems;and 2) Knowing how to work

through the problem. Lets look at each one a little closer.

Spotting possible problems

Consider these methods for spotting problems before they turn into

full-blown crises:

Be actively involved in your childs life.

This is important for all parents,no matter what the living arrangements.

Knowing how your child usually thinks, feels,and acts will help you

to notice when things begin to change. Some changes are part of yourchilds growing up,but others could be signs of trouble.

Set realistic limits and enforce them consistently.

Be selective with your limits,by putting boundaries on the most

important behaviors your child is engaged in. Make sure you and your

child can see a limit clearly. If your child goes beyond the limit,

deal with him or her in similar ways for similar situations. If you decideto punish your child,use the most effective methods, like restriction

or time-outs. You could also make your child correct or make up for

8

P


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If youd like, turn to the section that matches your childs age

to read more about how some parents have includedpreventing

in their daily parenting routine.Or you can read on to learn

about theM3 in RPM3.

TheM3 in RPM3 describes three complex,but central principles

of parenting:monitoring, mentoring, and modeling. Many people

are confused by these words because they seem similar, but they are really

very different. It might be easier to understand these ideas if you think

of them this way:

Being a monitor means that you pay careful attention to your

child and his or her surroundings,especially his or her groups of

friends and peers and in getting used to school.

Being a mentor means that you actively help your child learn

more about him or herself,how the world works,and his or her role

in that world. As a mentor,you will also support your child as heor she learns.

Being a model means that you use your own words and actions

as examples that show your beliefs,values,and attitudes in action for

your child on a daily basis.

Now lets look at each one more closely. Monitoring your child seemsstraightforward, so lets start there.

RPM3

11


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M onitoring your

childs contact w ith his or

her surrounding w orld

Do you need to be a superhero with x-ray vision and eyes in the back of

your head to be a careful monitor? Of course not. You dont need to be

with your child every minute of every day,either. Being a careful monitor

combines asking questions and paying attention, with making decisions,setting limits,and encouraging your childs positive choices when you arent

there.

When your child is young,monitoring seems easy because you are the

one making most of the decisions. You decide who cares for your child;you

decide what your child watches or listens to; you decide who your

child plays with. If something or someone comesin contact with your child,youre usually one

of the first to know.

Things may change as your child gets

older,especially after school begins and into

the pre-teen and teen years. As kids begin

to learn about their own personalities,they sometimes clash with their parents

personalities. A parents ability to actively

monitor is often one of the first things

to suffer from this clash.

Parents need to monitor their childrens

comings and goings through every age andstage of growth.

12

M

Being a

careful m onitor

com bines

asking questions

and paying

attention,

w ith m aking

decisions and

setting lim its.


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Being an active monitor can be as simple as answering some

basic questions:

Who is your child with? What do you know about the person(s) your child is with?

Where is your child?

What is your child doing?

When will your child be home/leaving?

How is your child getting there/home?

You wont always have detailed answers to these questions,but itsimportant to know most of the answers,most of the time.

You may also want to keep these things in mind when being an

active monitor:

Open the lines of communication when your child

is young and keep those lines open.It seems obvious,but honest communication is crucial.When your

child is young, talk openly about things you do when you arent with

your child;then ask your child what he or she does during those

times. As your child gets older,keep up this type of communication.

Both you and your child have to take part in open, two-way

communication.

Tell your child what thoughts and ideals you value

and why.

For instance, if being respectful to adults is an ideal you want

your child to have, tell him or her; even more importantly, tell him

or her whyyou think its important. Dont assume that your child

knows your reasons for valuing one practice or way of behaving

over another.

RPM3

13


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Know what your child is watching,

reading, playing, or listening to.

Because TV,movies,video games, the Internet,

and music are such a large part of many of ourlives, they can have a huge influence on kids. Be

sure you know what your childs influences are.

You cant help your child make positive choices if

you dont know what web sites he or she visits or

what he or she reads, listens to,watches,or plays.

Know the people your childspends time with.

Because you cant be with your child all the time,

you should know who is with your child when

youre not. Friends have a big influence on your

child, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much

of the time, this influence is positive,but not

always.With a little effort from you,your childmight surround him or herself with friends

whose values, interests,and behaviors will be

pluses in your childs life. Your child also spends

a lot of time with his or her teachers. Teachers play a vital role in your

childs development and overall well-being, so get to know your childs

teachers, too.

Give direction without being rigid.

In some cases,notbeing allowed to do something only makes your

child want to do it more. Is the answer just plain no or does it depend

on the circumstances?Yes,but only if... is a useful option when

making decisions.

To find out how some parents usemonitoring in their daily parentingpractices, turn to the section of this booklet that relates to your childs

age.Or you can read on to learn about mentoring.

14

W ith a little

effort from you,

your child

m ight surround

him or herself

w ith friends

w hose values,

interests, and

behaviors

w ill be pluses

in your

childs life.


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M entoring your child

to support and encourage

desired behaviors

When you were growing up,did you have a special person your life

who did things with you,gave you advice,or was a good listener?

This person may have been a relative

or friend of the family who was older than

you. If so,then you had a mentor.

Since the early 1980s, formal mentoring

programs that pair children with caring

mentors have been highly successful.

Mentoring,whether an informal relationship

or a formal program,has a focused goal:

guiding children through adolescence so

they can become happy,healthy adults.

You may know that all children need

mentors,but did you know that parents

make great mentors?

What does it mean to be a mentor?

A mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship,and

respect to a child.

Sounds great. But what doesthatmean?

Being a mentor is like being a coach of a sports team. A caring coachsees the strengths and weaknesses of each player and tries to build those

strengths and lessen those weaknesses. In practice,coaches stand back

and watch the action, giving advice on what the players should do next,

but knowing that the players make their own game-time decisions.

16

MM entors help

kids reach

their full potential,

w hich includes

m istakes and

tears, as w ell as

successes

and sm iles.


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Coaches honestly point out things that can be done better and praise

things that are done well. Coaches listen to their players and earn players

trust.They give their players a place to turn when things get tough.

Mentors do the same things: develop a childs strengths; share a childs

interests; offer advice and support;give praise; listen; be a friend.

Mentors help kids to reach their full potential,which includes mistakes

and tears,as well as successes and smiles.Mentors know that small failures

often precede major successes; knowing

this fact, they encourage kids to keep trying

because those successes are right aroundthe corner.

What can I do to be a mentor?

There is no magic wand that turns

people into caring mentors. Just spending

time with your child helps you become

a mentor. You can do ordinary things with

your child, like going grocery shopping

together;you can do special things with

your child, like going to a museum or

a concert together.The important part is

that you do thingstogether, which includes

communicating with one another.

RPM3

Did you know...?

Kids who have

mentors are less

likely to take part in

risky behaviors.

Children who have

mentors are 46 percent

less likely to use illegaldrugs, 27 percent less

likely to use alcohol, and

52 percent less likely to

skip school than kids who

dont have mentors. Kids

with mentors also report

that they are more

confident of their school

performance, more likely

to get along with others,

and less likely to hit

someone.

Big Brothers Big Sisters

Impact Study, 1995


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Support your childs

interests and strengths, but dont

force things.

Kids spend their childhood trying tofigure out who they are,how the world

works,and how they fit into that world.

Make sure your child has enough room

to explore. If your child has no interest

in an activity or topic,dont push.

Your child will soon begin to dread the

forced activityand will find ways toget out of doing it.

Introduce your child to things that

you like to do.

This is a useful way for your child to

learn more about you. Its sometimes hard

for kids to picture their parents doingthings that other people do,like playing

an instrument, volunteering at a

nursing home,watching movies,playing

a sport,or knowing about art. If your

child sees you doing these things,you

become more of a regular person, rather

than just a parent.

To read more about how some parents fit

mentoring into their daily parenting

activities, turn to the section of the booklet

that relates to your childs age.Or, read on

to learn about modeling.

Mentoring gives kids the support they need to become the people they

are meant to be. But what about you? Are you the person you want to be?

Take some time to think about becoming a better model for your child.

RPM3

19

Did you know...?

The feedback and

advice that parentsgive can guide

children to make

more positive

decisions.2

By supporting desired

behaviors, parents help

their children build

self-esteem and

self-confidence. These

traits give children the

inner strength they need

to make better decisions

when faced with a

challenge. Its important

for parents to keep the

lines of communication

open, so that vital

advice and feedback

gets to their children.


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M odeling your ow n

behavior to provide a

consistent,positiveexam ple for your child

When I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Has your child ever said this to you?

Its a bittersweet statement for a parent to hear. On the one hand,

its touching to have your child look up to you in this way;on the other,

being a role model comes with great responsibility.

Role models come in all shapes and sizes; they

do all kinds of jobs; they come from any

country or city. Some children view athletes astheir role models;other children look up to

authors or scientists. And,believe it or not,

many children see their parents as role models.

All too often,parenting behavior is guided by

adults reacting to their own childhoods; that

is,many parents think: I dont everwant to belike my parents; or it was good enough for

me,so its good enough for my kids.Remember that reacting instead of

responding prevents you from making decisions that can change the

outcome of a situation.To be a more effective,consistent, active,and

attentive parent, its best to focus on your children and their lives.

Does this mean that you have to be perfect so your child will grow upto be perfect,too? Of course not. No one is perfect. But,you do need to

figure out what kind of example you are setting for your child.

20

M

C hildren learn

as m uch,if not m ore from

your actions

as they do from

your w ords.


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You may want to be the kind of role model

who does the following:

Do as you say and say as you do.Children want to actlike their role

models,not just talk like them. Children

learn as much, if not more from your

actions as they do from your words. Dont

just tell your child to call home if he

or she is going to be late;make sure that

you call home when you know youregoing to be late. Dont just tell your child

not to shout at you;dont shout at

your child or at others. This kind of

consistency helps your child form reliable

patterns of the relationship between

attitudes and actions.

Show respect for other people,

including your child.

For many children, the word respect

is hard to understand. Its not something

they can touch or feel,but its still a

very important concept.To help your

child learn about respect, you maywant to point out when you are being

respectful. For instance,when your

child starts to pick out his or her own

clothes,you can show respect for

those choices.Tell your child,That

wouldnt have been my choice,but

I respect your decision to wear that plaidshirt with those striped pants.

RPM3

21

Did you know...?

Children are

great copycats.1, 3, 14

Have you ever said a

curse word in front

of your child, only to hear

him or her repeating that

word later (usually at

the worst possible time)?

Kids are highly imitative,

with both words and

actions. If you are

aggressive, your child

may copy you to be

aggressive, too. If you are

very social, your child will

probably be very social,

too. Make sure you are

a strong, consistent, and

positive role model, to

foster better behaviors in

your child.


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Be honest with your child about

how you are feeling.

Adults get confused about emotions all the

time,so its no surprise that children mightget confused,too. For instance,you might

have a short temper after a really stressful day

at work, but your child might think you are

angry with him or her. If you find yourself

acting differently than you usually do,explain

to your child that he or she isnt to blame for

your change in typical behavior; yourchild can even help you by lightening your

mood or altering your attitude.You can

prevent a lot of hurt feelings and confusion

by being honest with your child about your

own emotions.

Make sure your child knowsthat being angry does not mean,

not loving.

Disagreements and arguments are a normal

part of most relationships. But many children

cant separate love from anger; they assume

that if you yell at them, then you dont love

them anymore. Even if you think yourchild has a solid grasp of emotions,you

may want to be specific about this point.

Otherwise,you run the risk of having

your child think he or she is not loved every

time you have a disagreement. Most of all,

be alert to changes in your childs emotions

so you can coachyour child throughmoments of anger or sadness without

brushing-off the emotion or ignoring it.

22

Did you know...?

How parents act in

their relationshipswith one another has

a significant impact on

child development.2

Regardless of the living

arrangements, parents

should consider their

children when dealing witheach other. Your child sees

how you work through

everyday issues and uses

your interactions as the

basis for his or her own

behavior in relationships.

The next time you interact

with your spouse, ex-spouse, or significant other,

ask yourself whether or

not you are providing a

positive example for your

child. Do you want your

child to act the same

way you are acting with

that person or another

person? If not, you may

want to reconsider your

behavior.


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Responding to your child

in an appropriate m anner

The example below will give you a better idea of what it means to

respond to your child in an appropriate manner. As you read,think about

these questions:

Is the parent in the story reacting

or responding?

Is her response appropriate to the childs age?

Is her response appropriate to the situation?

How might you respond to your child

in the same situation?

Caroline and Abby (Age11/2)7

Whats the Story? Abby spends the day at a day care center w hile

C aroline is at w ork; C aroline drops her off at 7:30 a.m . and returns for her at

5:30 p.m . W hen they get hom e in the evening, C aroline gets dinner ready

w hile Abby sits in her high chair. C aroline keeps the chair turned so that Abby

is facing her w hile she cooks, so that they can w atch, sm ile at, and talk toeach other.

It takes C aroline a little longer to m ake dinner because she often stops to play

peek-a-boo or bends dow n to talk to Abby at her eye-level. They have their

ow n conversations, in w hich A bby talksand C aroline answ ers.If Abby is

cranky or upset, C aroline uses this tim e to calm her dow n and figure out w hy

shes being fussy. C aroline has found m any w ays to keep Abby calm as a result

of this dinnertim e contact, that are also helpful w hen the tw o are out of the

house running errands.

24

0 -3YEARS


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Caroline Says:That tim e w ith Abby, w hile Im cooking, is really im portant

to m e. I can connect w ith her, get to know her better. I look forw ard to it,

even after a full day at w ork. It has helped m e to learn w hat she likes and

w hat she doesnt.

Whats the Point? C aroline is right about the im portance of her dinner-

tim e contact w ith A bby. Research show s that children need to spend positive,

engaging, playful tim e w ith their parents each day.1 This specialtim e

allow s parents to bond w ith children, to learn w hat m akes them sm ile

or laugh, w hat kinds of noises they respond

to, how they respond, and w hat feelings

their toddlersw ordsconvey. Early

and consistent com m unication betw een

parent and child is essential to form ing

attachm ents, as w ell as to building

better em otional, intellectual, and social

developm ent. Setting aside this kind of

tim e every day also lets kids learn

about their parents. They can tune in

to facial expressions, body language,

and tone-of-voice to know their caretakers better.

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In a perfect world,you could spend all day,every day with your child,never

missing a meal or a moment of togetherness. In the real world,however,

this is often not the case.Regardless of how you manage it, you should try

to make time for this kind of interaction with your child every day.The

specifics of where,how,or when you spend time with your child arent as

important as the actual time you spend with your child.

If your child wont sit in a highchair for very long,put some toys on the

floor and let your child play there while youre in the kitchen. If youredriving here and there, talk to your child as you drive,pointing out things

you see or singing songs. If you see your child in the mornings,get into

a routine for getting dressed together so that you can interact with him

or her. You can also include the other people in your family in this time

together,so that your child becomes more comfortable in the family

setting.The important part is getting to know your child and letting your

child get to know you.

26

I would love to do this with my child, but...6

... my child just wont sit still that long.

... I dont have time to cook, so we eat out most of the time.

... my kitchen is too small for everyone to fit.

... my child eats dinner with another caretaker.

... I sometimes work the afternoon and evening shift

and am not always home for dinner.

... I have to drive my other children to their after-school

activities.

... I dont get home from work until late in the evening.


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Preventing risky behaviors

or problem s before they arise

The next story shows how you might prevent problems before they arise.

As you read, think about these questions:

Are the parents active in their childs life?

Is the problem bigger than the parents canhandle alone?

Should the parents seek outside help?

How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Molly,Ron,and Stefanie (Age4 weeks)7

Whats the Story? Stefanie is M olly and Rons first child. Before Stefanie

w as born, the couple planned for M olly to take three m onths of parental leave

from her job after the baby w as born. N ow , only a few w eeks after Stefanies

birth, M olly is having problem s

caring for the baby.

Ron Says: M olly justdoesnt seem to w ant to be

w ith Stefanie. There are

tim es w hen I w alk in the

door and hear Stef

w ailing because shes

hungry or needs to be

changed; then I findthat M olly is sitting in the

next room crying, too.

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Som etim es she forgets to feed Stefhow can youforgetto feed a baby? Im

w orried that Stefanie isnt getting get the attention she needs during the day. I

m ean, som etim es M olly doesnt even get dressed during the day. I w ish I knew

how to m ake things better for all of us.

Molly Says: I know that a lot of w om en do the m om thing every day, but Im

just not as good at it as they are. Som etim es, its like nothing I do is enough

for her. I try holding her, rocking her, feeding her, playing w ith her, but she still

cries. I cant do anything right.

Whats the Point? W hile its true that m illions of w om en do the m om

thingevery day, none of them w ould say its easy. Being a m other takes a lotof getting used to; in fact,being a parenttakes a lot of getting used to.

But it sounds like M olly is going through m ore than getting used to being a new

m om . For nearly 10 percent of w om en w ho are pregnant or give birth, the

w eight of being a new m om is doubled by post-partum depression, an illness

that results from horm onal changes related to pregnancy and giving birth.15

W om en w ith post-partum depression need m ore help than their spouses orpartners can give, m ore than they can give them selves, actually. For m any

w om en like M olly, professional treatm ent from a psychiatrist or other m ental

health professional is the best w ay to beat the so-called baby blues.

If any parent, no m atter w hat their gender is, finds it hard to relate w ith their

child in a playful, positive w ay, then they should seek outside help im m ediately.

M olly and Ron m ight w ant to talk to her obstetrician about how they are feelingand how things are going. The doctor m ay have som e ideas that could help,

like hiring a babysitter a few days each w eek, or having each parent take

alone tim eduring the w eek. The doctor m ight also refer them to a psychiatrist

or another m ental health professional so they can get help through counseling

and m edication.

H aving a baby changes every part of parentslives, including their relationship

to each other. M any tim es, one or both parents have a hard tim e adjusting to

all the changes. Parents should know that their em otional health has a big

im pact on their childs em otional health. G etting help right aw ay is the best w ay

to ensure the childs and the parentsw ell-being.

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M onitoring your childs contact

w ith his or her surroundings

How can you be a careful monitor? This next example may help you decide.

As you read, think about these questions:

Is the parent being an active monitor?

Is she being flexible?

Does she know who the child is spending time

with or what the child is doing when shes not there?


your child?

Maria and Luis (Age9Months)

Whats the Story? M aria is taking her son, Luis, to his first m orning of day

care. She signed up w ith the center several m onths ago, because it had the best

location, and visited the center once during the last m onth. M aria know s that

state law requires that day care centers have a three-to-one ratio for children

under one year of agethat is, one day care staff person w ill care for her Luis

and only tw o other children his age. She feels better know ing he w ill get m ore

personalized care throughout the day. W hen M aria calls the center during the

day to see how Luis is doing, the staff person only replies w ith, H es fine.

W hen she picks up Luis after w ork, the staff person doesnt say very m uch about

his day and seem s to shuffle m other and child out the door. M aria notices that

Luis is kind of cranky and w onders w hat his day w as really like.

Maria Says: It took m e a long tim e to decide w hether or not I w as going

to put Luis into day care. Its even harder now to know w hether I m ade the right

decision. Its frustrating not know ing w hat is going on in m y babys day. H ow

can I know that hes being cared for w hen I cant be there?

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Yeung Says: I think C hang likes reading, too. H e helps turn the pages,

points to the pictures he recognizes, and chatters. H e know s w hat is going to

happen next and tells m e w hen Ive skipped som ething. H es beginning to

recognize the letters and their sounds. H e has his favorite books and w antsto hear them again and again.

Whats the Point? LiM ing and Yeung have given a lot of thought to being

C hangs m entors. By reading to C hang, they introduced him to one of their

interests. They encourage him to choose his ow n stories and to interact w ith

them and w ith the book w hile theyre reading. As he gets older, C hang w ill

know that his parents read a great deal. H e m ay decide to join his parents intheir hobby.

They m ay not know it, but LiM ing

and Yeung are also helping

C hang build his reading skills.

Studies show that, in the U S,

m ore than 50 percent of childrenare read to by a fam ily m em ber

every day.8 In these studies,

fam ily reading is related to better

reading com prehension and

greater school success.

Reading to your child also

im proves his or heremergentliteracythe know ledge that

the w ords printed in books have

m eaning. O ne of the key factors in

em ergent literacy is being able to recognize letters of the alphabet; other factors

include know ing the sounds of letters at the beginning and end of w ords.

Reading to your child im proves these skills, w hich can im prove your childs

chances for school success.

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M odeling your ow n behavior

to provide a consistent,

positive exam ple for your child

Take a look at this example of a parent being a model.As you read, think

about these questions:

Is this parent being a positive role model?

Do his words and actions match?

Is he being honest with himself about his own actions?


your child?

Marco andSabby(Age2)1,14

Whats the Story? M arco cares for his son Sabby on the w eekends. N ow

that Sabby is w alking and talking, M arco has to w atch him m ore closely so

that he doesnt get into trouble. A few w eekends ago, Sabby stuck a m etal

bookm ark into an electrical outlet that M arco leaves uncovered so that he can

plug in the coffee m aker in the m orning. Sabby blew out all the fuses in the

house, but luckily w as not hurt. Despite M arcos scolding, Sabby still goes near

the outlet w hen he gets the chance.

Marco Says: I dont know w hy he keeps doing it. Ive told him no; Ive said

bad; Ive told him he could get really hurt. But he still goes over to that outlet.

Whats the Point? Sabby m ay still show interest in the outlet because

M arcos w ords dont m atch his actions. M arco tells Sabby, no; but Sabby

sees M arco put the coffee m aker plug into the outlet. Sabby doesnt know

the difference betw een the plug thats supposed to go in the outlet and other

m etal objects that shouldnt.

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W hile Sabby is at this age, M arco needs to cover the outlet w ith a safety

cover anytim e the coffee m aker is not plugged in. Then Sabby w ont have the

chance to get into it. W hen Sabby is a little older (three or so), M arco can

explain the details of safe m aterials, dangerous m aterials, and electrical outlets.

H e could also tell Sabby that only grow nups are allow ed to touch electric

outlets. It seem s as though M arco is trying to get this across by saying, noor

bad,but he only assum es that Sabby know s w hat he m eans. Kids, especially

young children, w ill copy w hat they see even if they dont fully understand it.

Sabbys action is a dangerous behavior that could cause him serious harm .

M arco needs to take im m ediate action to ensure Sabbys safety.

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Responding to your


m anner

The story below will give you a better idea of what it means to

respond to your child in an appropriate manner. As you read,think about

these questions:

Is the parent in the story reacting or responding?

Is his response appropriate to the childs age?

Is his response appropriate to the situation?

How might you respond to your child in the same

situation?

Raj and Amira (Age 8)3

Whats the Story? W hen Raj decided to be a stay-at-hom e dad, his

daughter w as three. H e set up a routine for their days, so that Am ira w ould

alw ays know w hat w as going to happen and w hat w as expected of her.

W hen she started kindergarten, Raj changed the routine to fit in the school-

related activities, such as doing hom ew ork and reading together. N ow thatAm iras eight, shes m ore interested in doing things w ith her schoolm ates

and neighbors, such as playing at her friendshouses or getting involved in

a com m unity sports team . But Raj w ill not let her take part in these activities

because he w ants to keep her on the sam e schedule.W hen Raj says N oto

Am ira, she is disappointed and w ithdraw s from him .

Raj Says:Am ira has to get back on our schedule. Its w orked so w ell all

this tim e. She has been up until 8:30 p.m . every night this w eek. O nce w e get

back on track, things w ill be better.

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RS

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Whats the Point? Raj is right about the need for solid routines and

schedules, but he forgot about the need to be flexible. Younger children do

very w ell w ith a steady schedule; it allow s them to becom e relaxed in their

w orlds and learn w hat their w orlds expect from them .

But, schedules also need to adapt to norm al changes that occur as kids get

older. Am ira is just starting to build friendships, a key feature in norm al

social grow th. By now , her regular bedtim e should probably be 8 :00 p.m .,

or 8:30 p.m ., depending on how m uch sleep she needs. As Am ira m atures,

shell need to balance school, hom e, health, and her friends. Raj can help

her create and m aintain that balance, if he show s her w hat it m eans to beflexible.

W hen he started the schedule, Raj had Am iras best interests in m ind. W ith

som e m inor changes, Rajs schedule can co-exist w ith Am iras grow th in a w ay

that suits them both.

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4-10YEA

RS

37

Preventing risky behavior

or problem s before they arise

The next example shows how you can prevent problems before they arise.

As you read,ask yourself these questions:

Is the parent active in the childs life?

Are the limits involved realistic?

Are the limits being enforced consistently?


your child?

AndreandCalvin (Age 4)1,4,10

Whats the Story? Andre arranged his w ork schedule so that he can spend

all day Saturday w ith his son, C alvin, every w eek. After lunch on their Saturdays

together, Andre and C alvin spend tim e cleaning up C alvins room . W hats our

goal?Andre asks C alvin. N o toys on the floor.C alvin answ ers.

Andre lets C alvin play w hile they clean, but w ithin certain lim its so that C alvin

keeps their goal in sight. Andre uses an egg tim er to let C alvin know w hen

its playtim e and w hen its tim e to clean up. H e sets it for short intervals, like 10

or 15 m inutes, so that C alvin can play a little and then clean up a little. C alvin

know s that w hen he hears the bell, he has to pick up at least three toys and put

them aw ay. Andre sets and re-sets the tim er in front of C alvin and leaves it in

a place w here they can both see it (and hear it). By the end of the afternoon,

all of C alvins toys are picked up off the floor.


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Andre Says: C alvin needs to learn about goals and lim its so he understands

m oderation. I use the tim er because he can see, hear, and touch it. Even though

Im the one setting the tim e lim it, the tim er enforcesit. This keeps him from

getting upset w ith m e.

Whats the Point?

Setting goals and lim its

for your child is one w ay

he or she can learn about

boundaries. A child

C alvins age has an easiertim e learning about a goal

w hen its som ething he or

she can see, so its clear

w hen the job is finished.

Andres choice of lim it

(playing versus cleaning)

is also realistic; C alvin iscapable of picking up

all the toys from the floor.

The tim er offers a constant

before-and-after w ay for

C alvin to know w hen hes reached the lim it. Before the bell goes off, this w ill

happen; after the bell rings, that w ill happen. The child learns that after the bell,

after m om counts to three, or after dad counts to 10, som ething happens. Ifthe child reaches the goal, then praise and kindness follow ; if not, som e type of

outcom e for going beyond the lim it follow s, be it a scolding, a punishm ent, or

another response appropriate to the situation.

Using the tim er is a good idea, especially w hen dealing w ith a child as young

as C alvin. It is a dependable w ay for Andre to enforce the lim its. Because

Andre uses sim ilar tim es, like 10 m inutes or five m inutes, C alvin gets used to the

practice. And, the bell alw ays rings, w hich provides m ore order for C alvin.

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him self. Its a good

thing, too, because

the next day I

w atched that show I couldnt believe it!

Alm ost every line

had som ething about

fighting and getting

even. There w as a lot

of talk about sex, too.

I know Tyrell w ill beexposed to violence in

the real w orld, but

I dont w ant him to

start acting like the

characters on that

show . I dont w ant him

to be ignorant about sex, either, but I w ant to be the one to teach him aboutit. H e is sim ply not allow ed to w atch that show .

Whats the Point? Keisha handled this case like a seasoned m onitor.

First, she w atched the first few m inutes of TV w ith Tyrell, to see w hat he w as

w atching. She also paid attention to the kind of show s that Tyrell usually

w atched, w hich m ade it easier for her to notice a change. After she saw the

change, she asked Tyrell how he heard about the new show . And, she w atchedthe show , to m ake sure that it w as okay for Tyrell to w atch.

As it turned out, the show w asnt som ething she w anted Tyrell to see, so he is

no longer allow ed to w atch it.

To really m ake her point clear, Keisha m ight w ant to talk to Tyrell about w hy she

doesnt w ant him to w atch the show . It m ay not seem im portant for Keisha to

explain her reasons now because Tyrell is so young, but its a good habit for her

to get into for w hen he gets older. It m ay also help Tyrell to m ake better choices

about the show s he w atches in the future.

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Finding som e view ing alternatives for Tyrell w ould also help Keisha m ake her

point. Keisha can rent videotaped m ovies for Tyrell w ith m essages that she feels

are positive. M any of the program s on public television stations are also sm art

choices, although m any are aim ed at kids a little younger than Tyrell.

G iving him the option of not w atching TV at all is also effective. O ftentim es,

kids arent really interested in w atching TV, but they cant think of anything else

to do. Sim ply telling them to turn off the TV and do som ething else can be

a source for argum ents. O ffering a choice betw een w atching TV and doing

som ething your child usually enjoys allow s your child to m ake his or her ow n

decision. In m any cases, your child w ill opt for playing or coloring. Yourchild w ill appreciate your suggestion and your support of his or her ability to

m ake decisions.

4-10YEA

RS

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M entoring your child to support

and encourage desired behaviors

Now check out this example of parents being mentors. As you read,

think about these questions:

Is the parent being a thoughtful mentor?

Is she being honest with herself?

Is she judging her child?

Is the parent developing the childs interest or forcing

the child to develop an interest?


your child?

Irit and Ari (Age9)

Whats the Story? Ari is a very outgoing boy, w ho joins m any clubs and

groups at once. At school, he signs up for scouting troops, sports team s, m usic

lessons; anything that he hasnt tried is interesting to him . As a result, Ari

leaves a lot of things unfinished, dropping out of one thing to pursue another.

Although Irit encourages her son to try new things, she is w orried about him

trying too m any things at once.

Irit Says: H e doesnt stay focused on any one thing long enough to know

if he likes it. H e m ay be a gifted artist, or a graceful athlete, or a natural leader.

But he never stays w ith one thing long enough to really learn it and grow in it.

Im glad he has so m any interests, but he doesnt seem to know w hen to stop.

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Whats the Point? As his m entor, Irit should be honest w ith Ari about her

concerns. She is proud of all the things Ari does, but she thinks he should try to

expand one or tw o of those interests. Irit m ay w ant to set som e rules to lim it

the num ber of clubs and sports Ari can do over a given tim e. Ari can decidefor him self w hich thing (or things) he w ants to pursue. Irit m ay w ant to get

involved in som e of these things as w ell, by being a scout leader or bringing

snacks to gam es and practices.

Ari also needs to learn that finishing things is just as im portant as trying new

things. H ere, again, Irit can set up som e rules for Ari. For instance, Irit could

lim it the lessons or hobbies that cost m oney. If Ari chooses to take a dance classthat costs m oney and lasts for six w eeks, then he has to attend all six w eeks

of the dance class, even if he loses interest after the first w eek. O r, she m ay lim it

him to only one activity that carries a cost for a certain tim e. Because m ost

hobbies carry som e cost, Ari cant

do as m any things at

once. H e then has to

focus on only a few thingsat a tim e.

Its also essential that Irit

explain her actions to Ari.

If she lim its his hobbies

w ithout telling him w hy, Ari

m ay think that his m otherdoesnt w ant him to do

anything or have any fun.

Show ing support is one of

the m ain jobs of a m entor.

By explaining her decision, Irit can show her support w hile keeping things under

control. She should also m ake it clear to Ari that he doesnt have to be an

expert at everything. Irit can give exam ples of things she started but eventually

stopped because she either lost interest in them , or they w erent as rew arding as

other activities. Ari needs to know that its acceptable to do things because you

w ant to, even if you arent the best at them .

4-10YEA

RS

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Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read,

consider these questions:

Are these parents being positive role models?

Do the parents words and actions match?

Are the parents being respectful of others?

Of their children?

Are these parents being honest with themselves about

their own actions?


your child?

Andy,Kristi, Pat,and Jason (Age7)2,3,4

Whats the Story? Kristi and Andy split up nearly five years ago, w hen

their son Jason w as tw o. Andy has rem arried, and Kristi and Jason have been

living w ith Pat for the last three years. Andy tries to be very active in his sons

life, w hich is a source of conflict for Kristi. She cant let go of her anger

tow ard Andy and m akes sour com m ents about him in front of Jason. W hen

Andy com es to pick up his son, Kristi usually starts an argum ent w ith him ,

about child support or the tim ing of visits. Pat tries to buffer Kristis anger, but

feels that her attitude is bad for all of them , especially Jason.

Pat Says: Im not saying that she should forgive and forget her tim e w ith

Andy. But at the very least she should curb her anger w hen Jasons around.

The poor kid is stuck in the m iddle. Jason loves his m om and his dad; he should

love both his parents. I try to stay out of it m ost of the tim e, because its an

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issue that is best kept betw een Kristi and Andy, but her attitude fills our hom e

w ith such negativity that I som etim es have to change the subject for Jasons sake.

And for m y ow n sake.

Kristi Says: N o one really know s w hat Andy is like, except m e. H es the

one w ho leftm e w ith a toddler and no m eans of support, w ithout a second

thought. Pat has no idea w hat I w ent through. Im just getting Jason ready

for the hurt and disappointm ent that his father is sure to bring. Its only a m atter

of tim e before he leaves Jason, too. Pat just doesnt know .

Andy Says: Kristi is out-of-control. I thought she had finally m oved on w henshe m oved in w ith Pat, but I guess not. You can see how upset Jason gets w hen

she starts saying those things; its w ritten all over his face. I can tell it m akes

Pat uncom fortable, too. Ive tried to m ake it clear that arguing in front of Jason

is not acceptable to m e. But Kristi never stops. Even though I try to explain

to Jason that his m om and m y argum ents arent his fault, I know hes hurt by the

w hole situation.

Whats the Point? Its hard for any child to hear aw ful things about his or

her parent day after day; its even w orse w hen the other parent is the one

saying those aw ful things. Jason is left having to choose betw een his m other

and his father. Its an aw ful position for a child to be placed in.

Despite her claim s that she is trying to prepare Jason for disappointm ent,

Kristis actions are m ore hurtful to him than helpful. It m akes sense that she w antsto protect Jason, but her actions focus on protecting herself. She needs to see

that things are no longer about her and Andy, but that Jason is w hats m ost

im portant. Jason needs to be allow ed to develop his ow n relationship w ith each

parent, one that doesnt involve the other. H e w ill m ake his ow n decisions about

his father and m other and how active he w ants them to be in his life as he gets

older. Kristis actions m ay force Jason to lim it his tim e w ith her later in his life.

4-10YEA

RS

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Andys point about not arguing in front of Jason is also im portant. Again,

the issue is betw een Kristi and Andy; Jason should not be involved, even as

a bystander. Its painful and confusing for children to hear their parents argue.

They often blam e them selves for their parentsw ords and actions, thinkingthat if they behaved better or did better in school, then their parents w ould get

along. Both Andy and Kristi need to reassure Jason that their fighting is

not his fault. If Kristi is

unable or unw illing

to help Andy convey

this to Jason, m aybe

Andy can enlistPats help. Regardless

of w ho reinforces

the idea, its vital for

Jason to know

that his parents

have problem s w ith

each other,not w ith him .

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Responding to your


m anner

The example below will give you a better idea of what it means

to respond to your child in an appropriate manner. As you read, think about

these questions:

Are the parents in the story reacting

or responding?

Is their response appropriate to the childs age?

Is their response appropriate to the situation?

How might you respond to your child in the same

situation?

Nancy,Akira,andKoji (Age11)4,6

Whats the Story? Koji is an active, bright, 11-year-old boy. H e plays

soccer in the area league, likes com puter gam es, and sleeps over at his friends

houses. H e also hatesanything related to school, especially hom ew ork, and

goes out of his w ay to avoid all things linked to school. H is parents, N ancy and

Akira, know that Koji is avoiding his hom ew ork and often punish him to try to

change his attitude and behavior. The result is a daily battle.

Nancy Says: W eve tried everything. W e tell him , Do your hom ew ork or no

TV.O r, Do your hom ew ork or you cant go to your friends house.W eve

sent him to his room , taken aw ay his gam es, even sent him to tutors. N othing

w orks.

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Akira Says: H e just doesnt understand the im portance of good study habits.

If he develops good study habits now , w hile hes young, hell have an easier

tim e in the older grades. I dont know w hy he doesnt see that. H e doesnt have

any discipline.

Whats the Point? Koji m ight not be able to see his parentspoint-of-view

because they havent told him w hythey w ant him to do his hom ew ork. To them ,

the reasons are clear: they w ant Koji to build good study habits now so that

he w ill do w ell in high school. Even m ore than that, they w ant to instill a sense

of discipline in Koji, so that he learns how to startand finish things. For N ancy

and Akira, these ideas dont need to be explained.

For Koji, discipline and study habits are just w ords his parents use w hen they

talk about school. But he probably doesnt really know w hat these w ords m ean.

H is parents need to explain these things in a w ay that m akes them m ore

concrete or real for Koji. Also, because he only 11, Koji doesnt think in term s

of his future. H e cant see how the things he does now affect the things hell do

w hen hes 20. (In fact, he thinks 20 is old!) Koji cant yet see him self in the

future, beyond the idea that his body w ill get bigger. H is parents need to help

him to envision his possible future selves so that he recognizes the link betw een

present action and future consequence.

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Another thing Kojis parents should think about is his historyw ith school. H as

Koji alw ays disliked school or is this a recent change in his attitude? H ow are

his grades now as com pared to his grades in the past? H ow are his friends

doing in school? H as there been a change in their attitudes as w ell? Koji couldbe slightly m ore advanced than som e of his classm ates; if thats the case, he

m ight be bored. O r the opposite m ay be true; Koji m ay be frustrated because

he doesnt understand w hat hes trying to learn, so m aybe hes just giving up.

If Kojis friends are show ing som e of the sam e changes in behavior and attitude,

m aybe the friends are influencing each other into not liking school. N ancy and

Akira should talk to Kojis teachers and to his friendsparents to try to figure

out w hen his change in attitude started and w hat w as happening around himat that tim e.

N ancy and Akira m ay also w ant to build fam ily hom ew ork tim einto their

nightly routine. By setting aside tim e for Koji to do hom ew ork, w hile one or both

of his parents are in the room reading or doing som e other type of w ork, N ancy

and Akira can help Koji turn an idea like discipline into an action.

Its m uch easier for children to know w hatyoure doing if they know w hyyoure

doing it. Explaining your reasons for doing or not doing things gets across

your values m ore effectively by show ing those values in action. If you support

your actions w ith reasons, you also give your child his or her best exam ple

of how to m ake an inform ed choice. This practice also brings m ore order into

your childs w orld, by show ing a starting point (your value/reason) and an

end point (your action/choice) for an event.

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Christopher Says: I w ish she w ould lay off! Shes alw ays asking stupid

questions, like W hat are you listening to?or W hats w rong w ith you?

She probably thinks Im doing drugs or that I w orship the devil or som ething.

N othingis w rong w ith m e. I just w ant to be left alone.

Whats the Point? C hristopher m ay be trying to keep his m other out of his

life, or he m ight just w ant tim e by him self to think. In his m ind, theres no point

in answ ering her questions because she couldnt possibly know w hat he is going

through, thinking, or feeling. M any kids C hristophers age feel this w ay and

go to extrem es to prevent their parents from know ing anything about them . After

a w hile, m any parents stop trying to know their kids because their feelings getso hurt w hen their kids reject them . Sadly, both the parents and the kids end up

feeling very alone.

W hile C hristopher m ay keep pushing her aw ay, Janice needs to let him know

she cares about him . She cantm ake him talk to her; she cant force him to

be her friend. But she can show C hristopher that she loves him , she is interested

in him , and she isnt going aw ay no m atter how m ean he is to her. By not

forcing the issue, she also show s him that she respects his privacy.

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Janice should also seek out new and different w ays to spend tim e w ith

C hristopher. Being involved in the sam e project or going som ew here cool

together is a m ore natural w ay to reconnect and redefine their roles w ith

one another. It also allow s their relationship to accom m odate the new , young-adult C hristopher and his interests as things continue to change.

Janice needs to let C hristopher know w hat is acceptable and w hat is not, w hen

it com es to how he treats her and his younger sister. Janice should m ake it clear

that he m ust treat her w ith respect and speak to her and his sister w ithout raising

his voice. C hristopher m ay try to isolate him self even m ore as he gets older,

so this issue is w orth the struggle because it sets a m inim um level of contact forfam ily and son at this stage of their lives. Janice accepts that C hristopher doesnt

w ant to share his life w ith her, but she w ill not accept him being disrespectful

to her or her daughter.

O f greater concern is C hristophers level of anger and how he deals w ith it.

H is yelling and fighting is a new thing that m ay be a sign of trouble. Anger is a

tough em otion for m any kids to handle because our culture frow ns on expressinganger. M ost of the contact kids and adults have w ith anger is seeing it

expressed in its m ost extrem e form : violence. Sadly, violence is the only w ay

that m any people know to deal w ith their anger.

Janice m ay w ant to enlist som e outside help to teach C hristopher how to deal

w ith his anger in a m ore positive w ay. M any com m unity centers, health care

professionals, school counselors, and teen groups teach classes on howto m anage anger. They show people how to control anger and how to express

it w ithout hurting them selves or others. Another option for Janice is to get

C hristopher involved in a healthy outlet for his anger. Running, boxing, w riting

in a journal, playing the drum s, even crying are w ays to channel anger so

its m ore constructive than destructive. H aving an outlet for anger and other

em otions keeps them from building up inside, w hich also prevents them from

bursting out in harm ful or violent w ays.

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M onitoring your childs contact

w ith his or her surroundings

How can you be a careful monitor?This next example may help you

decide. As you read,think about these questions:

Are these grandparents being active monitors?

Is it clear why a value or behavior is desirable or

undesirable?

Are these grandparents being flexible?

Is the childs behavior destructive?


your child?

Sam,Esther,andRachel (Age13)2,3

Whats the Story? Rachel has been living w ith her grandparents, Sam

and Esther, since she w as a baby. U ntil recently, Sam and Esther agreed on

the values and behaviors that they w anted to teach their granddaughter.

But now that Rachel is a teenager, they dont agree on issues that involve her.

Sam Says: I know that I agreed to let Rachel w ear m akeup, but Im still not

com fortable w ith the idea. She looks like a 30 -year-old, not a 13-year-old.

Plus, isnt m akeup just the beginning?N ext thing you know , shell w ant to go

places w ith her friends w ithout chaperones. Then w hat?

Esther Says: If w e tell her she cant dress the w ay she w ants or w ear

m akeup w hen she w ants, shell just start doing it anyw ay and lying to us about

it. She asked m e if she could start w earing m akeup to school. I discussed it w ith

Sam and he agreed, so Rachel and I w ent out and bought w hat she w anted

together. Then I show ed her how to apply the m akeup w ithout putting on too

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m uch. W earing m akeup is just the beginning of Rachels process of becom ing

w ho she w ants to be. But I w ant to m ake sure that Sam and I are a part of that

process from the beginning.

Whats the Point? Its only

natural for Sam to try to protect

his granddaughter, but being

strict w ith her m ay have the

opposite effect. If Rachel feels

that her grandparents arent

w illing to listen to her needsand w ants, she m ay decide

not to get their input at all.

C utting off com m unication

w ith her grandparents leaves

Rachel at greater risk for getting

hurt, having problem s, and feeling pressured.

By going w ith Rachel to buy m akeup and show ing her how to apply it, Esther

and Sam are providing guidance w ithout being rigid. W hile w earing m akeup

m ay seem like a sm all issue, Esther and Sam are setting a solid exam ple for

m aking choices as Rachel gets older. N ot only are they aw are of w hat Rachel is

doing, but they are also keeping the lines of com m unication open. The m anner

in w hich they handle this situation w ill let Rachel know w hether her grandparents

support her grow ing up. W ith that know ledge, Rachel is m ore likely to talk toher grandparents about other im portant issues, like boys and dating, w hich can

help prevent future problem s.

Esther and Sam decided together that Rachels w earing m akeup w asnt an

issue w orth fighting over. If Sam has doubts about that decision, he needs to

discuss them w ith Esther so they can find a com prom ise that is agreeable to

both of them . If Sams doubts are not about Rachel w earing m akeup, but stem

from his w orries about other things, like going out w ith friends, dating or

curfew s, then he and Esther need to talk about those issues w hile letting their

initial decision about m akeup stand.

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Masha Says: I dont know w hy Alexander w ont listen to m e. Ive tried to

talk to him about this, about the fact that G reg is trying really hard, but he just

w ont listen. I told him I didnt agree w ith punishing G reg for his grade, but he

did it any w ay. To Alexander, the effort isnt im portant, just the end result.Besides, how w ill G reg learn to balance school and other things if hes not

allow ed to do any other things?

Whats the Point? Alexander m ay w ant to rethink his actions in this case.

First, he isnt listening to M asha. Parenting is about talking, listening, and m ost of

all, com prom ising. These concepts apply regardless of the living arrangem ents.

Parents need to w ork together to m ake decisions about the children they areraising. H ow Alexander interacts w ith M asha influences how G reg view s his

stepm other and how he treats her. As G regs m entor, Alexander should respect

M ashas opinion and her input into parenting decisions. O therw ise, G reg m ay

think its acceptable to ignore M ashas opinions and input as w ell.

Secondly, Alexander isnt recognizing G regs efforts. G reg chose to w ork

very hard to try and do w ell in the class; he also chose not to quit and not to

blam e anyone else for his grade. These choices show strength, m aturity,

and determ ination. As G regs m entor, Alexander should value G regs hard

w ork and let G reg know that he values it. Alexander should also support

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G regs decision to keep trying in spite of the outcom e. By putting so m uch

w eight on the end result (the grade), Alexander could prevent G reg from

learning that its not w hether you w in or lose, but how you play the gam e.

H is persistence and effort should be applauded.

W ithout know ing it, Alexander is also sending a m essage that he doesnt

believe in G regs ability to do w ell. H e doesnt expect G reg to be able to

handle both playing guitar and school; he expects G reg to fail. W hat parents

expect from their kids affects how m uch their kids achieve. W ith his fathers

m essage in m ind, G reg m ay assum e that he is going to fail w ithout even trying.

Even though Alexander is trying to drive G reg to do better, this hiddenm essage could lead G reg to give up instead.

M ashas point about balance is a good one, too. Kids (and adults) have to

learn how to fit m any things into their lives. Lim iting G regs activities also lim its

his practice of doing m any things at once by m aking him do only one thing at a

tim e. Even A lexander w ill agree that life usually gives us a num ber of challenges

at once. This is a lesson that G reg is better off learning w hen he is younger.

Kids arent alw ays going to succeed; they w ont alw ays get the best grades;

they w ont w in every race. Som etim es, your child m ay need help from som eone

other than you, like from a tutor or a special teacher. As your childs m entor,

you need to support your childs desire to try and his or her effort to succeed,

no m atter w hat the outcom e.

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Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read,

think about these questions:

Are these parents being positive role models?

Do the parents words and actions match?

Are the parents showing respect to others?

To their children?

Are these parents being honest with themselves about

their own actions?


your child?

Anna, Ignacio,and Toms(Age11)1,2,3,14

Whats the Story? Tom s has been getting into trouble at school. To figure

out w hat the problem m ight be, Anna and Ignacio m et w ith Tom steachers.

According to his teachers, Tom s is usually a w ell-behaved, calm little boy. But

w hen he spends tim e around som e of the girls in the class, he is aggressive

and usually m ore physical, often pushing or pinching them . W hen questioned,

Tom s explained that he is just goofing aroundw ith the girls and doesnt m ean

to hurt them . But Tom s is big for his age, the teacher says, and doesnt

know how strong he really is. Anna and Ignacio are w orried; they tell the

teachers that they w ill talk to their son.


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Anna Says: I think I know w hat hes doing. Ignacio and I are a physical

couple. W e som etim es tease and w restle as a w ay of show ing our fondness for

each other. In fact, Ignacio has told Tom s that w e are just goofing around

a num ber of tim es. M aybe Tom s is starting to notice girls and being physicalis how hes show ing it.

Ignacio Says: Thats silly! Tom s know s that he shouldnt be pushing or hitting

the girls. H is m other and I tease each other, but it is never as physical as

pushing or hitting. Tom s m ustve gotten this from TV. I think w e should punish

him by not letting him w atch TV for a w hile. Thatll stop this nonsense.

Whats the Point? Even though Anna and Ignacio know the context of

their playful contact w ith one another, Tom s does not. Ignacio know s that his

and Annas actions are the result of m any years together, their respect for

each other, and their love; in his m ind, these facts should be clear to Tom s.

But Tom s is only 11 and love and respect are only w ords to him . Tom s is

not aw are of the tim e and w ork that Anna

and Ignacio have put intotheir relationship; he only

sees the end result. Tom s

thinks that all m en and

w om en are playful w ith

each other because that

is w hat he sees every

day; if he likesa girlhe should be playful w ith

her, too.

Tom s also has a lim ited

know ledge of his ow n body.

H e grow s and changes

every day, so he m ay not know his ow n strength. W hat he sees as goofing

aroundm ay actually hurt som eone else. Ignacio and Annas actions never go

far enough to hurt, Tom s doesnt have that kind of control over his body yet.

H e doesnt know w hen to stop.

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Anna and Ignacio need to discuss how they w ant to handle this situation and

find a com prom ise. Anna m ay have a point about Tom s and his possible new

interest in girls; Ignacio could be correct about the types of TV show s that

Tom s is w atching. It could be that their sons actions result from a com binationof things. By talking over their thoughts and opinions, Anna and Ignacio can

com e up w ith a plan of action that is acceptable to both of them .

Ignacio and Anna need to explain to Tom s that how they act w ith each other

is special. Its different from how Tom s should act w ith other people. They m ay

w ant to tell Tom s that he shouldnt touch any of the kids in his class for a little

w hile, even if he thinks he is just being playful. These lim its w ill allow Tom sto learn som e level of control for his ow n body. H e w ill also learn w hat actions

are proper, w hen, and w ith w hom . The process of developing self-control or

regulating ones ow n social behavior is a slow process. In addition to having

patience w ith their son, Anna and Ignacio also need to m odel m ore appropriate

behaviors for Tom s to learn and adopt in his daily life. These behaviors

m ay include keeping their relationship m ore private, until Tom s is older and

can understand it better.

Rem em ber...

By including the RPM3 guidelines in your day-to-day parenting

activities,you can become a more successful parent.RPM3 means:

Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

Preventing risky behavior or problems before they arise

Monitoring your childs contact with his

or her surroundings

Mentoring your child to support and encourage

desired behaviors

Modeling your own behavior to provide a consistent,positive example for your child

Being a more effective,consistent,active,and attentive parent

is a choice that only you can make. Enjoy your adventure!

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References

1. L.Alan Sroufe,Ph.D.,Professor, Institute of Child Development,

University of Minnesota.

2. E. Mark Cummings,Ph.D.,Professor,Children and Families

Developmental Psychopathology,Department of Psychology,University

of Notre Dame. From:Cummings,Davies,& Campbell (In Press).

Developmental Psychopathology and Family Process. NY:Guilford

Publications, Inc.; and Cummings,Goeky-Morey,& Graham (In Press).

Interparental relations as a dimension of parenting. Bristol-Power,

Borkowski,& Landesman Ramey (Eds.). Parenting and the childs world:

Multiple influences on intellectual and socio-emotional development. Hillsdale,NJ:Erlbaum.

3. Kristen Moore,Ph.D., Executive Director,and Tamara Halle,Child

Trends, Inc.,Washington D.C.

4. John Borkowski,Ph.D.,Andrew J.McKenna Family Chair and Professor

of Psychology,Department of Psychology,University of Notre Dame.

5. Sharon Ladesman Ramey,Ph.D.,Director and Professor,Civitan

International Research Center,University of Alabama.

6. Laraine M.Glidden,Ph.D., Division of Human Development,St.MarysCollege of Maryland.

7. Geraldine Dawson,Ph.D., Professor of Psychology,Department

of Psychology and Center on Human Development and Disability,

University of Washington, Seattle.

8. Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics,Americas

Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2000. Federal Interagency

Forum on Child and Family Statistics,Washington,D.C.: U.S.

Government Printing Office.9. Cohn and Tronick,Child Development, 1983.

10. Rubin,Stewart,and Chen. Handbook of Parenting,Volume 1, 1995.

11. Dorr and Rabin,Handbook of Parenting,Volume 4, 1995.

12. Edwards,Handbook of Parenting,Volume 1, 1995.

13. Stevenson and Lee,SRCD Monographs, 1990.

14. Radke-Yarrow et al.,Manual of Child Psychology, Mussen (ed.), 1983.

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Acknowledgements

The NICHD would like to thank the Robert Wood Johnson

Foundation for its contributions to the conference Parenting and the

Childs World: Multiple Influences on Intellectual and Socio-economic

Development, which provided the impetus for this publication,and

its continued support for this effort.The NICHD would also like to

thank the NIH Office of Behavioral and Social Science Research

for its support of this publication.

The author would like to thank John Borkowski,PhD,Marie

Bristol-Power,PhD,Dana Bynum,and Sharon Landesman-Ramey,

PhD, for their dedication and assistance in creating this publication,

and Laraine M.Glidden,PhD,. for her keen review of the

material. In addition, the author gives a special nod of thanks to

the staff of the Public Information and Communications Branch

of the NICHD fo

adventures in parenting (br)

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