for my Mom, Gladys

1915-1980

because true giftsare always remembered

8

falling from her bookso small a sunflowerlisten to its song …

9

10

IT BEGINS IN THE EGG

illegitimatethis subterranean crabengendering itselfsculpting allthat it touchesto take on its own

sucking your warm breathsensuous breastcrevicesdisordering your sensescell upon celluntil you wearits molecular structurelike a badge

& afterbegins the well-triedcancer-can-bebeaten propaganda -its unrelenting furyof stats & factsinterferes in your affairslike a verb

nowhere does itdescribe the pain …

11

AMAZON QUEEN

you grip your chest- the left breasttied where it was tornsutures warmcatacombed undernarcotic gag& outer wrappingsprotrusive likethe hair of medusa

12

THE PAVILION

where sufferingis not personalwhere behind every dooris a pallid facean insecure smilereminiscent of sour-walled auschwitz

a monochromaticgovernment-fundedsahara of womenconcealed like ancestral sinsby earthbound godlings& incestuous machinesslow to the kill

while you & i knowother women’s skullsribs & vertebraevibrate still in open graves- their protruding armsraised in protestexposing the private agonies& other fits of madnesswe all live within

13

WITHOUT WARNING

i rememberthe sacrificewhen you told me

death no longerhas to be looked for …

14

CAUTIOUS

you - differentfrom the othersbecause you write so wellor make me laugh

i have no hardness sometimes

& sometimesi become small, inexpensivein some closed chrysalissome unclassified spacethat only you provide

& sometimesi say all the right wordsunlearn to breathe& do not move

for fear

15

16

MEMES

soft as pigeon wingthis flesh-toned ovallumped in itsimmeasurablyempty cup

unbalanced

nipple-lessthis silicone cast-offtit-propheat-resistantshock-absorbenti hold

holding my ownerect breastits nipple hard& round betweentwo probing fingerslike a small pink beada small pink o

- imagine the rest

17

A PART OF THE WHOLE

once upon a timewe were the sameyou & iour shadows sometimescrossing oversharing the same appetitefor italian foodlate, late movies& a perfect truthour womanbonesalive with the samerich, red wise-bloodmy gesturesspeech & solemn poseexactly like yoursquick to embracepeople, treesstars& a certain hostility - bored easily with fools& sometimes men

together we shared thesame ritualistic behavioursrespect for beauty& fear’s sharp snakethere were no impossibilitiesno hollow victoriesno stone unturned& in our strengthasked little or nothing

18

NO UNIVERSE IS BIGGER

she may have only onebut it’s a handfulsays the husband

19

THE CLINIC

In Her Own Words

wasting precious energiesi am like a child againcradled in this sterile cubiclewhere the only decisionone can makeis that they are hereamong the whitecoatswith their slick smilesgrey flannel hairstriped silk ties& leather shoessidesteppingthe endless corridors& covering their ignorancewith silver-plated switchblades& rumours of things to come

a tribe of crows

even in deaththey prosper

20

SPINNER

eight horny little handshauling & pullingtwisting & windingweaving & unweavingan endless meditationlike a womanthrough the arms& legs of her lover -reminiscent of the silkenumbilical cords of childhoodcat’s cradleowl’s eyeswitch’s broomsuggestively defensiveloosened, yet never undone -built to elude the fevers& phantoms& now scattered with rawbroken feastsi imagine her soft webwrapped round my bodyacross the breastsaround the hipswhile she gently walksthe endless labyrintheast to westnorth to south

only youacknowledge the power of her powerlessness

21

ALMOST KIND

even the crowshad thick tongues& didn’t say a word

didn’t say how theangry red moonhung like a hang man’s head

or the rose[almost the same]leaned her bony limbsagainst the pane

pointing in

there were no prayersno trace of wind

only this last patch of snowin the shape of a turtle

going home

22

RANSOMED

i got you back - pushing asidethe medical refuse& powerlessness

I got you back -packed your winter clothes& prepared this room to shelter youin warmer nights& children’s laughter

i got you back -

& with pretended easegave death a place

23

MIRROR MIRROR

under the sudden floodof fluorescent lightyou faced yourselfas one would face anotherexposing the lost bridedispassionate womanwitchholy cronethe thorn of your breastreflecting all women beforeall women after

it was thenyou cast off your name& stopped using eyesto see

24

THE SILENCE THAT HAS NO NAME

the silence in which we move- whenever we moveshifts it’s great weightanother inchinching into niches

between before & after

the silence in which we movecaught in the crossfire ofhalf-talk & rationed daysleaves us unable to find the old paths

the silence in which we moveuncommon - wherein every thoughtcomes too closeconspiring with usto betray each other - spare ourselves

… even now

25

26

JUNKIE

every four hoursthese spear pointsof sweet morphiahermetically seal you off

you who survivedtwisted bowelsscarlet fever& cheap bottled wars

hanging on by your teeth

27

SLEEPING BEAUTY

delicate & bruised& laid out like paper -open & defencelessbeyond all knowledgeof this hostile enchantment

& powerless to wake or moveyet moving further& further awayfrom what matters …

28

EVERY GO[OD] BOY DESERVES FUDGE

dispossessedyour husband staysin his roomwithout shamewithout honourcounting the hoursthe daysthe labourswhile november growsmore insistentchilling

& there he eatsin the purgatoryof his seventy-two years

& he cannot leave& he has no choicebut to deny

29

SURRENDER

In Her Own Words

… never scold your daughtersdaughters are like sparrows

our daughter bends herlong leanness over me& with harlequin gestureunbinds the tensionthe brittle binding

her tortoise-shell eyeslike twin green seaslocked in their sockets

her thin bird fingersduck in & outanoint my gaunt body

feathers of bloodembers of sacrifice

& you can almost seewhat the antisepticwon’t wash away

& you wonder whather hands did before

& perhaps you love hera little more

30

THIS IS MY BODY

In Her Own Words

enough is enough

no morehigh-voltage chemocatscansexperimental drugsherbal curesshow & tell sessionsmegadose vitaminsalmonds & carrot juice

no morehallucinationsbad solutionsunjustified violationsillegible scriptures

no more the common spiel of cause-effect & probability

enough coffee-ground vomitgangrenous bileburnt orifices

it’s past negotiationthere are no grays

no one knows timemore intimately

& i want out

if only to dieknowing …

31

THE PRIMAL SADNESS

it took them ten months& four daysto hear your ragged scream

ten months& four days

to give youthis one brief momentof dignity

32

MEDICINE HUNT

monkshoodhemlocknightshade

you dare meto pick them

33

MOTHERTONGUE

In Her Own Words

i may have been madeof sugar & spicebut lately unlikesnow white or thequeen of heartsi am the haunted hagthe wicked witchcheated of the pyrethe rack

no bag of tricksno hocus-pocusno sleight-of-hand

no abracadabra have i

& unlike the fairytalei have no throneno dowryno golden ball

i threw them all away …

34

SO FAST LOSING LIGHT

just when i’d reached an agewhen you couldknow me& knowinglove me& lovingtouch me

it hurts to beso small

35

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE

In Her Own Words

there will be no bored morticianno rose-windowed chapelno satin-lined casketcushioned with carnation moons

no cemetery of names will hold mei want no black mantillano gossips with crumbling faces& momentary tears

envelope me in petals of pansyperiwinkle & rose& new shoots of yew

commit this confining huskto open flame & soilfor earth’s i am & fireshall light my way

honour my passagewith dancing & feastinglaughter & songfor it is springfirst season of my dying

36

FINAL GIFT

all night longwatching the pale prisonof your bodygive over

this new realitythis real unrealtoo near for you to see

i am wide-eyed& afraid & in a darkthat never saw the sun

huddled by your bedpushing crushed iceinto your mouth of dust

your breath against my own

while grief roars upthrough breast & bonefrom the bottom of my bellyto root like stone

all night longwatchingwaiting

because women alwayshelp each other dieknowing the memorywill be important

37

EVEN IN THE MOON

curled like a fisther gaunt facegrows indifferent& so with youold serpent moon

come the dawnyou too, shall beborn in another

38

AS I LEAVE YOU

In Her Own Words

he comes

his immediate feverenters my dilated bodylike some raging rapist

already these raw eyesunreflectiveunable to see my ownsavage foreignness

colours have faded

a greasy potion oozesfrom these frayedflaws & fissuresas his jaw closes round me

each breath taking me deeper& deeper …

smells of bloodof earth …

39

LAST RITES

one last timeyou open emaciated armslet me into the motherwarm

you don’t sayreaching outis difficult

i don’t sayit hurts to go on …

40

WANDERING DAYS

i taste moonbloodhecate’s tongueinside mine

i see around usthe bruised earthreseeding

& i walkretreating intosolitude

every stepa prayer …

41

LITTLE GIRL LOST

far above the dust & dinof ordinary traffic& those places wherethe others aresipping their whiskey& water

i am three, five & sevenhere, in my safe place[this room was yours]rummaging broken drawers& unlit wardrobesfor the warm you left behind

i am nine, eleven, thirteenspinning in the full-length mirrorthat turns young women into things

waiting for you to come homesometimes fearfulsometimes furious

& now a starker ageof almost twenty-somethingi am trying on your favouritered stiletto heels

but already my feet too big

42

ASHES TIME

cowardbecause i cannot let gobrave becausei wait …

[these animal emotionsare not throughwith you]

43

THE LONG WAKE

stepbystepfather’sslipperedfeetfalldownthehallwayto thismomentwhen his blueheartopenshearsitselfdropto this momentwhenwe cannolongeravoideach otherwhenwehavetobegin …

44

OMEGA

your eyesthighfamilial ribyour lipshipssoft bellyyour wombi will plant deep& tell earth my strength was not courage- was love

& after

the seven seaswill rise

wash it all away …

45

HOPE CHEST

i turn the keyforce open the lidas one lays open a ribcagefeeling the wounded heartin every direction

i lay open the lid& mingled with the scentof sacred cedarfind smudged baby shoeshandknit sweaters& two patchwork rabbitswhose loose flesh liecupped around scrapsof working-class poverties& early motherhood

when you possessed me best

46

SNAPSHOTS

I

my eye slices acrossa rare prairie orchidin dusty barefeet& a worn handmedown dresstwo sizes too largestifledobedientperfectly politein her seventh year

ii

i step over a shoeboxof unknown black & whiteswho somehow beara reflection of mein their pioneer eyes -

these tooare desperate days

iii

they forced youto pose with them- you’re the dying onecradling my infant sonwith his smile of summer& your eyes of regret

there will be children to teachus what we can’t teach ourselves

47

YOU NEVER KNEW

sacrificial love

what i know about gods

my deepest ecstasiesjealousies & anxieties

you never knew

about unicorns& this wildernessi play in

the perceptionsdreamsmagic & mysteriesinside my self

you named all things i am

yet never knew

48

IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER

resurrected from heruterine worldever-green persephonepours her blessings

& when no one is lookingdips her brushscratches a tiny suntiny talisman- like the one you lost last winter –into the spring sky

& when no one is listeningshe speaks the true names:

la va ya ra ma

saying it allsaying nothingshe speaks the true names:

la va ya ra ma

earthwaterair firemother

yours & mine

49

THE AWAKENING

you re-emergein sage leavessun spun petalsbluebellied clouds

daybreak star

your voicesombre & solacingin shells of windfists of thunder

your fragranceabundant in thefirst wet rosethin-winged orchid

sandalwood

your touchendless in sea mistiron horns of rainwillow-bark ribs

wings of the eagle

runes that warmmy womanbones

50

BACK IN BLACK

i come to some familiar placeto work the old wisdom - heal myself

i come to learn this skin& write of things thatused to be locked uphidden

those forbidden thingswithin & without mewith all their imperfections

& perhaps i love youa little more