a short beginning to a ultimate end

8/6/2019 A Short Beginning To A Ultimate End

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What is, is whatever maybe.

Damn I sit here and I am so bored. So I figured that I might as well start showing something formy time.It s like if I set out to write with a reason, it s not going to happen. So here I am writingwhatever comes to my mind.

Hell if I am going to waste my time here on earth, it might as well be documented right. So hereI am bored wasting my time, writing for you the reader.

I hate that there seems to be no direction to this lifetime. I mean I don t even know where tobegin to describe myself. Sometimes I think that the world is this big circle. Maybe we get recycled aspeople, and then we come back again but we still have some recollection of who we were.

I am stuck in this paradox called life.

A paradox by definition is a seemingly true statement or group of statements that lead to acontradiction or a situation which seems to defy logic or intuition.

So yeah my life is definitely a mess. But that s not what you came here to read. Hell you mighthave come here to fill your head with things. To escape from what you were doing. This is the placewhere you can be you. You don t have to worry about survival. Where you don t have to worry aboutwrong or right, what you did in the past. It is now. This very place where you are the most honest withyourself.

Where is here ? Here is where we all are. Ha. There is no specific here or there. Here is that placeinside your head that you go to. Here is where I am and you are not. Here is whatever I want it to be.You re here and my here, are to totally different places even though we may be sitting in the sameroom, doing the exact same thing. Here is nowhere, and it s exactly where I am

You know I find it funny that writing can reflect what you are thinking.

Trying to take an image and put it into word is challenging. There are so many ways to do it.Well at this time I am guess I should tell you that I still have no clue what I am writing about. When Iused to write poems I would write so that the words of the poem used to make picture. One time Iwrote a love poem in the form of a rose.

What can I say I am a hopeless romantic person.

The truth is I hate my job , I hate everything about where I am at. I can t say I hate everyone thatI am around because that would be a lie. I enjoy spending time with some people more than others. Ithink the biggest problem I have is saying I have a problem, or I am uncomfortable, or I am anything atall.

A liar knows another liar by heart.



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After that it s kind of iffy. I totally took this sentence of the back of that last paragraph. But I saidscrew it well makes this into a whole paragraph of I don t know what the hell I am talking about rightnow . Yeah this is definitely one of those moments where I was rereading what I had written before,and I felt like I was trying to make some kind of point in this sentence. But it seems the point I ammaking is that I have no point at all.

I worry. I worry so much that I don t worry at all. I know that last sentence didn t make muchsense at all. It s so hard for me to sit down here and try to explain what I am feeling and what I amthinking.

I like the written word because it s so set in stone in a sense. People can take what they wantfrom it and leave what they don t like. The funny thing is that after you read something you can neverun-read it.

My thoughts on a subject right now might be different in three seconds. That also makeseverything I sayboth fact and fiction in a way. Because what I say now may have changed in the time ittook you to meet me. By that time my thoughts could have changed dramatically. So the me that is nowin this text is not the me you see before you, well that is if you met me, if not, just replace the me withyourself and we should be good.

. The way I see it there is no real reality, just a lens we view life through. My reality definitely isnot your realty, because we are not the same people. Two people may view the same event though verydifferent eyes. So to me I have to question everything in life.

Sometimes questioning can lead you into the unknown. The unknown is like this great darkforest, that as a child you were always told to stay out of. But as you get older you become defiant and

decide to travel into the unknown, out of spite or ignorance, who knows. But once in the unknown youdon t really lose the path you just get lost in wonder. Still your roots are all back in the town of known.So you aren t lost. You know exactly where you are, but you are torn. What do you do? Keep exploringthe unknown or do you head back to what you ve always know.

It s just like everything, Nothing can be in existence without its opposite. There are always twosides to one story. But when that story is you what do you do?



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I ask why . You say so .

I ask who . You say what .

But none of this ever gives us a

Reason

Rich

Enemy

Arson

Sapphire

Omni

Now

There is no real reason why I thought of a word for each letter of reason. I think that the thing thatfrustrates me the most is that I think there is a reason.

But I ll move on to a different word Purpose. What is the purpose for my life. Am I here for a specificreason or was I just put here by chance. Is there some divine power that pushes me on and I have a

destiny. Maybe I don t believe in destiny, maybe I should put fate there instead. Maybe may as well bethe problem here. There are way too many maybes in this world. But who am i but amaybe at any point

in time.

Amid the vast creation that I am, there are so many gashes and great open spaces.



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I

Find it

Hard to

Focus on

What I am

Supposed to

Be doing it really

Bothers me. the greatest

Fear I have in this life is that of death.

But maybe it isn t death that I fear, but the

Fear of what will come after. I don t know I have

Always been the one to place my bets close to my chest.

But sometimes I can thelp but venture out and see what the

World has to offer. Sometimes what the world has to offer terrifies

Me to the point where I can t do anything about it. But my mind says you can do

Everything about it. You just have to open me up.

But the old logic says that if you do that. Your soul will be forever lost.

But wait there is one who is said to have died for our sins. But then again at the same time. There arecountless others who have claimed to do the same thing. To have found a path to this place we callparadise. But paradise isn t what I used to be. Not for this soul anyways. I ve been so torn between

which paradise is real and which ones is not a reality.

Hell it might have not been real to begin with; maybe I am not real to the point that I have created myown existence and being.

But I am not one to find out what lies beyond everything I know and dream about. But still something inme yearns to know what it is.

Maybe this is the complete workings of my life. Maybe this is the purpose I was put here for. Maybe thisis just a temporary fix for a conflict I will have forever, in some existence beyond space and time. Maybemy soul can find the peace that I was looking for here. Or maybe this was the only time in which I had to



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resolve the conflict. But everyone believes that the is an eternal struggle between the good and the evil.I guess it is a matter in which we

Have to judge ourselves and ourselves alone. How can we judge ourselves though?

We are filled with our own facts and opinions. And we always want to believe that this is the truth whenit s only my truth.

This isn t Joe down the streets truth.

This truth is mine and its mine alone.

I just have to figure out what the truth is.

So here I go again a new page, well not really because it s on the same as the last.

So by now I have figured out that I am schizophrenic. But the thing that is mostly

On my mind is

Relationships.

That s what this has been about the whole time

I think. It s kind of funny it seems that I am ill fated, but at the same time the best of all of us.

Where do you start?

What do I really want?

Ha it seems that anyone who is to love me is going to either

Be with me all the way or not at all

But that s the thing; I want to be everything that you are not

But I refuse to believe that I have made the same mistakes you made

But the more I think about it is true.

You see I am kind of my own antagonist

I cause my own problem because only I am the solution.



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Ok here I go. I seem to be the source of folie a deux.

Well not really the source

It s been here for generations

I love every woman I see

But I still feel bad because as soon as we meet, we are a doomed pair.

But yet there isn t a pair of us, there is many of us

There is a little piece of me for all of you

All I ever wanted to do

Is live.

I

I try to hide

But every once

In a great

While I decide

To show myself.

So what the hell do I do now?

There are going to be people after me for exposing this.

Some of them I can deal with, other ones I can t.

You have no idea the terror that I feel

It s like I am reliving everything from day to day.

My world shifts, what am I supposed to do

The sins of our

Mothers, and our fathers, are not going to become the sins of the sons and daughters.

There is such an intricate web between all of us.



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We are all connected in some sense to the area where it all took place

I don t know what went on or how it all happened

In

A

Sense

I guess we all want to know what happened in our past

In our family s past

Many of us are

Too scared to ask the questions.

But if I got the answer would it

Make a difference anyways

I mean this is all so new to me, but at the same time

It is all so familiar

What i

Write

Is a

Combination

Of years

Not even years

But generations of this thing.

What is the problem here?

I

Have

No

Idea



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I mean there

Is definitely a word for this thing?

Who to put the blame on

But on all

Of

Us

I guess we all have our parts to play in this world

I think its

Isolation

That drives

Man on.

We separated from the life source, no matter which you believe in.

We live to be separate

But yet we long to be together

So this is an ill-fated thing from the beginning

It seems that the world is

One big

P

A

R

A

D

O

X



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We conflict ourselves

At least I do myself; I am not sure about you the reader.

What is it that you are trying to hide?

What sthat?

That thing deep in you.

I know you sit here and read what is going on in my head.

But what is going on in yours?

Do I want to know?

No

I prefer not to.

That s yours to keep

That s yours to bury, or let rest.

I just like the thought that as much as you try to judge me

I know

I know there are things that you hide

Don t think that I haven t noticed all your faults

Everything you wish your life could be

Everything that it s not.

But everything it is also.

That s why I don t judge you.

For who am I

I am but another lost person

We may bump into each other in the night

Each of us leaving our marks on each other

That s a mark you get to keep.



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But I ve seen all your marks,

So

There is no shame

In mine.

For as dirty as you may be

It takes the effort of both

But in the end

We still come

Out clean.

That s only if you laid yours to rest though.

Ghosts, we can see through them

But

They cannot see though us

They past to and from

Here and there

But in the end we all find that resting place

That s the choice

You either decide to move on

Or become one of the

Lost.

A ghost

Of all that is

Past



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Present

And

Future

So who are we?

We are me and you

We are my mother and my father

We are my sisters and my brothers

We are forever together as we drift apart

We are bound

We are free

We

Are

As for

I

I will move

Forever the one to be and not

I am the one that till death do us part

I am the one that smiles over you

I am the one who won t shed a tear

I am the one who will cry rivers

I am the one who is



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I am the one who was

I am the one who will be.

I refuse to be the one that never was

I am not the one to fear

I am the one to fight.

I am the one to create

But never forget

What I create I also have the power to destroy

What I destroy I will build again.

For I love to hate

But hate to love

But for love to hate me

That would be the end of me

So I love that I love you

I love that you hate me

So you love that I hate me

So you hate that you love me

Love is not one to mess with.

Because love has the potential to hate.



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And when love hates you

You re screwed

Lol.

Thought I would through that in here

Had to turn on the light

It was getting a little dark in here

Funny thing is

We sleep at night

Live during the day

But what happens when you don t sleep

For one night

Go ahead and try it

First you ll get bored

So then you will find something to occupy your time

But now you re enjoying the thing that you are doing

Now you begin to realize that you never should have slept in the first place

There is so much life to be lived

To sleep seems like a waste of time anymore

Not like you can dream anyways

Maybe every so often.

Not like you used to

So now you are occupied

Now I can fill my time



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Now I am interested

Now I am obsessed

What is this thing that I put my hopes and my dreams in to?

My life.

My life is filled with all sorts of interests.

Most start the same.

Wow

These breaks

Me

Away from

What

I hate.

But with my love

Hate comes sooner or later

This thing is pulling me away from what I love

So in turn I hate it

But I loved it from the start

So how do you hate something that you love?

Just ask yourself that

It makes it hard because you love so much in this life

But each individual part of your life brings that thing with it

So in turn it s all one big loop made by infinite smaller ones.



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How do I break this chain?

It binds me so deep I can t find the roots.

I can t find where this thing starts.

But as I look past my existence

Both directions look bleak

The storm clouds behind me

But it s only black to my front

Thank God I brought my flash light

It just sucks because I have to change the batteries every so often.

You can never find one that seems to have that full charge.

So they all kind of die of on their own

Always being mixed and matched

But it s the only thing that keeps it so I can see.

Now if only I could find the damn generator, or some other power source

There has to be something better than these batteries.

Something that will keep this place lit up for a good long while

I hope that when I find it

It will have enough power so I can sleep

Then I wouldn t have to be worried about waking up in the dark anymore.

We have this continuing feeling

It s never one specific feeling

But it a constant in our lives



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Is it want

Is it need

What is it that drives us?

We are but a lost people

Try forever to find the Promised Land

When you think you found it

Something tells you to travel on

Because there is more out there

We find it hard to be content with what is

Whatever may be?

Whatever came in the past?

That is what drives us

To find what is in the future

But we have to decide if what is in the future is free or fate

That is the hardest choice to make

Is it decided for you?

Or do you get to choose

You can walk in the middle of the road for as long as you want

But sooner or later

A car will come

Do you stay in the road let the car pass you

Maybe the car won t pass at all



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What is it hits you

Or

What if the car stops?

The driver asks you if you need help

But there are only a limited number of cars on the road

For an infinite amount of walkers

So what do you do with this car that is approaching?

That when you

Have to decide

Fate

Or

Choice



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The infinite wait.

I hate to wait

Little do I know what is to come?

But sill I sit here and ponder what am I doing.

The truth is that I don t know

Well

The real truth is that I am waiting in an airport

This wait kills

This wait leaves me so bored

So I have to fill my time with something

I am glad that I started to write

But I am trying to figure out how to use this

Thing

I mean there are so many different ways

But each way conflicts with the other

So it seems that I am going to be stuck for the rest of my life

The weird thing is that if I get un stuck what I will do.

Because I have such a love hate relationship with this thing

What am I supposed to do?

I view it as a gift

I can be so creative with it.

At the same time I want to create so many things

In such a short time



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But at the same time it can be destructive

I destroy

In a way destruction is its own creation

A fire that destroys a forest creates a new one in turn

The fourth is here

I am not amused

I see the celebrations around me

I hear the pulse of explosions in the distance

People enjoying

But it takes me far away

To where it meant death

The feel of the air current as the pressure of a blast surrounds you

The dirt and smoke that feels the air

It s a sudden and violent heartbeat

The land pulses

It rejects

I am stuck

More so lost

What should mean everything?

Means nothing

I am lost

I am not here

Because I am everywhere



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So in turn I should know exactly where I am

K You r

Y Yes you s

T You know exactly i

E Who you are

The passion I poured into you

The blood I spilled

The tears I never should have shed

The pain I caused

Love I don t feel

R I a

Y Thought of all the things I would say

What I would do

How I would bring your world crashing down

Thought of all the words that describe you

Needless to say

F The worst names in this world belong to you a

I But then I came across one n

T That I guess you took to e

R Heart

The name that best describes you

You whole existence

Your whole being

Your soul



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Is

Nothing

You are nothing

Nothing of a companion

Nothing of a person

Nothing of a life

Nothing of a soul

Nothing of a heart

Nothing of love

I realized that the best form of punishment is nothing

Because I know

You have to live with that

You and your diseased heart will only spread to those around you

You are plague to your own life

One day you will grow to hate yourself

If you don t already

You are a lesson I learned

So be it

When your life comes crashing down

I

Will not be there to pick up the pieces

That s why I included your name here

So others can exact their own judgment

So you know you are forever judged

And to prevent them from the disease that is you



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You

Are

And

Always

Will

Be

Nothing

A

problem

that

I

have,

is

soon

to

become

ours.

But

there

is

no

ours.

Because I don t know who you are.

Yet.



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I have this clock

Buried in my skin

My body

I feel it ticking away

Tik

Toc

What do I do with this time

This is my clock

This is my heart

What happens to the clock that stops?

What happens to the clock that is broken?

What happens?

When my clock runs out of time.

My heart is the gear that drives the cogs of my life

This machine that I have become

There is no nothing



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Hell all of a sudden with all these one liners. I don t know what is going on. They were supposed to bethe start of something new, but they were so perfect as is.

Because we all want to start something new right

We are always the ones to start

New

I find it funny because as much as you want to be new

You don t realize how perfect you are

That s what makes us a flawed creation

As perfect as we are

We never will be

Maybe we create our own flaws

Where others create a problem

We are the solution.

People search for a situation where they feel needed.

wanted

loved

content

respected

equal

comfortable



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hate

+

Love

=

Late

Ate

Vote

Hat

Tea

heat

leave

have

Veto

Vat

to

People are scared of what they don t understand

Is Intelligence really a gift?

Hell if I know

Sometimes I think that I am too smart for my own good.



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I have noticed that in today s society a lot of people are really creative.

But they don t possess the necessary skills to market themselves, to the public

If you possess a skill, that separates you from everyone else.

Either

You are celebrated or rejected

People accept and revel in what you discovered

Or they shun you calling you different, and something is wrong.

Basically what I am trying to get at is that to be successful as who you are.

You need to be smart, or surround yourself with people who are smart in certain

Areas.

First you have to have a product, something you made or a service rendered.

Be the best

Be different

But also try to understand the client

Understand what they want because you will want something at one point in life.

Supply is not necessarily always in demand.

You have to make the client want

If possible need

What you can provide.

Be the best at providing

Be the best at caring



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So put yourself out there

Whatever you have

What makes you

Is you

Share yourself

If you take care of others

They will take care of you

Stop being so damn scared that everyone around you judges you

Because when the time comes you will be the judge.

You adhere to everyone s rules throughout life.

Make your own



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a short beginning to a ultimate end

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