7 reasons you shoud not want your ex back

7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

© 2011 Eddie Corbano, All Rights Reserved www.LovesAGame.com

A LovesAGame Special Publication…

“7 Reasons Why You Should NOT

Want Your Ex Back”

And 3 Proven Steps You MUST Take Instead…

(IF You Want To Become Strong, Successful, Confident and Irresistible so That NOBODY Will Ever Leave You Again…)

By Eddie Corbano © 2011, All Rights Reserved

www.LovesAGame.com

http://www.lovesagame.com/




© 2011 by Eddie Corbano Content and Design by Eddie Corbano Please feel free to email it to whomever you believe would need it and benefit from reading it. You MAY NOT Sell the Content Herein.

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the right to alter and update his opinion based on the new conditions. By

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any direct or indirect consequences that occur from the use of any of the ideas

contained in this book.




Table Of Contents

Introduction .......................................................5 A True Little Story ........................................................................ 5 About Getting The Ex Back .......................................................... 8

7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back ................................................................. 11

Reason 1: It Will Never Be As It Was Before ............................. 11 Reason 2: There Is A Reason For Everything ............................. 14 Reason 3: Your Motives Might Be False .................................... 17 Reason 4: Your Ex Probably Moved On ..................................... 20 Reason 5: There Will Be Pain ..................................................... 22 Reason 6: Acceptance Is The First Step To Recovery ................ 24 Reason 7: It's An Opportunity To Grow ..................................... 26 The 3 Proven Steps To Start Healing Right Away ....................... 28

3 Proven Steps To Start Getting Over Your Ex Right NOW ....................................................... 30

Step 1: Cut off all contact with your Ex for at least 60 days. ..... 30 Step 2: Purge your place of all the things that remind you about your Ex .................................................. 31 Step 3: Overcome the urge to over-analyze and stop thinking about your Ex ....................................................................................... 31

Conclusion ........................................................ 34

About The Author ............................................. 37




Introduction

A True Little Story

(September 1998) I was shattered. Destroyed. There is no word to describe how devastated I felt. My fiancée dumped me only two weeks before our wedding, completely out of the blue. With the blink of an eye, my life was left upside down. I couldn't function at all - I couldn’t eat, sleep, work or do anything productive except for lying around and torturing myself with self-destructive thoughts. My head was like a machine doing heavy work 24/7. My life as I knew it was no more. What was there left worth living for? So I asked myself. After a delirious month in horrible pain and suffering, of which I have a very vague recollection, my brother felt the need to help me and picked me up one day about a month after the initial "incident". "Where are we headed?" I asked. "Don't worry, we are going to see someone" he replied. OK, I thought, now I'm really worried.




Two hours later we parked in front of a small white house with big metal fences in front of it. The next thing I knew was that I found myself in a curious small room, sitting in front of a very old man with a white beard and sharp blue eyes. Apparently he was some kind of a religious leader with psychic powers, (at least he looked that way to me). The old man took my hands and looked into my eyes for an uncomfortably long time. He looked at me in a way as though he would examine the furthest corners of my entire soul, knowing my complete past and future without asking me a thing. An eternity seem to have past. Finally he said: "Do not worry. Everything will be fine". He spoke with a foreign accent and his voice was calming and relaxing. "I only have to ask you one small question" he continued. "Yes" I replied, more afraid than curious. The question hit me like a bullet: "Do you want her back?" Everything about him implied that he was a powerful man, a man with certain abilities. How did he know about my situation, and did he really have the power to bring her back to me? At that time I had no doubt that he could, I only had to say




so. I never believed in such things - never - but back then, trust me, I BELIEVED. It was a terrible question, and a terrible decision. She destroyed me by walking away, and now I had the possibility to wipe all of this away, to get my life back with just with one answer. I hesitated for a long time – an eternity so it seemed – then I gave him my final answer.




About Getting The Ex Back

Everyone, and I really mean everyone, who has ever suffered from a break up has one significant need at the very beginning: To get the Ex back. This would be THE ultimate solution to all the problems, the end to suffering and loneliness. This would instantly turn around the car heading towards the cliff. The magic pill to feel good again. But is this really true? The internet knows your pain, it is full of guides about getting the Ex back: "Get Him Back Before It's Too Late" "Get Your Ex Back Now" "blablabla" Clever internet marketers observed a desperate need and have provided those who are suffering with a "solution" - the lazy man’s guide on how to get what you want in a simple way... and within 24 hours. The holy grail for all of your problems. But does it help YOU? Does it help you, as a person, to grow, to be happy, to advance in life - let alone does it really get your Ex back?




Let me ask you a more concrete question: Would getting your Ex back be the right move if you take your whole lifetime into account? It's a difficult question, I know. Perhaps one of the most difficult ones you will ever face. I know your pain. I've been at the exact spot where you are now. I've gone through every single painful stage of it. The neglecting yourself, the losing weight, the sudden bursts of tears, the need to tell the story to everyone over and over again. I know that you think that your Ex was perfect for you, the only person who ever understood you, your soulmate, never to be found in life again. I know that many of you have begged, chased, stalked and harassed them by either e-mail, phone or Internet Messaging asking them what happened and to come back. What you feel is perfectly understandable, and as I said, I've been there too. But there is another way. This free report has the purpose of showing you another side, a different angle. By considering what is in fact BEST for YOU as a human being. In other words: Getting your Ex back is BAD for you, and I'm going to give you some pretty darn good reasons for it! I am able to tell you this based on my own experience, as well




as from coaching hundreds of break up survivors. I'm going to give you 7 reasons why you should NOT want your Ex back, and I'm also going to show you 3 important steps you should take in order to achieve the ultimate outcome: Getting stronger, independent and successful, so that something like that will NEVER happen to you again.

Ever. Are you ready for it? Let's go.





Reason 1: It Will Never Be As It Was Before

"There is only one way to hurt someone who has lost everything - give him back something broken." — Stephen R. Donaldson

The damage is done. Our partner turned their back on us and walked away, whatever their reasons might be. As they left us, we experienced a major betrayal of confidence. In this moment something happens to us. Something that is very, very difficult to undo. They say that what is broken once can not be repaired. Unfortunately, this is the bitter truth for most breakups. It is statistically proven that a big percentage of those who get back together again split up for a second time within a month. I'm sorry, I know this hurts and that it's not what you wanted to hear. Why is the relationship after reconciliation NOT as it was before? The reasons for this are various.




We may enter the second try very optimistically and with the hope that the love we feel would be enough to glue us together. The reality is – sorry to say – often somewhat different. The mutual trust is gone and very difficult to rebuild. Under the surface, there will always remain this agonizing uncertainty about whether they will leave again. This fear may be with good cause, as it is easier to leave the second time. Fear of loss will be our constant companion, and he's not fun to be with. Fear and distrust is poison for every relationship. In addition to this, many of us will discover that our Ex has changed. Some won't even recognize them. In many cases they behave more dominant and controlling. For example, when they asked us before whether it was alright if they spend an evening with friends, they now leave without warning. They start to moan about things they never mentioned before, and criticize us about many things. We however, accept many things that we would never have before out of the fear that we may lose them again. They criticize, we give in. All of this keeps getting worse until no one can go on without losing their mind. We "re-break up" and the pain is worse than ever. Is this a horror scenario that must happen in every




reconciliation? No, it isn't, but statistically proven to be a high percentage. Are you willing to take that risk or try the alternative?




Reason 2: There Is A Reason For Everything

"RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead." — Ambrose Bierce

Our Ex didn't leave us just to torture us. There was a reason. Maybe they told you, maybe not, but what I know almost for sure is that you are most certainly not aware of the reasons that led to the break up in the first place. I also know that most of us think that WE "blew it". I know this because I certainly did so back then. STOP. Don't do this. There is never one person alone responsible when a relationship fails. There isn’t a sole thing we could say or do that would cause a break up. Breakups do NOT happen overnight, and certainly NOT because we didn't think of buying her flowers every other day, or because we didn't cook him a dinner last month. Breakups happen because of personal incompatibility, and because important needs are not being met over a long period of time. There was a process of detachment our Ex was going through. Maybe there have been talks and signs, maybe our Ex kept




them from us - either way, eventually they decide that it's better to split, because they missed something important. They made that difficult and painful decision, (yes, it's difficult for our Ex too), and for them it's definite. This is NOT your fault. It's simply how things have turned out. We have to accept one simple truth in life - not all relationships are meant to last. Now, having this in mind, what do you think would happen IF you get back together? You kiss and hug and everything would be forgotten, back to normal? I'm afraid not. The reasons that led to the break up in the first place are still there, lurking in the dark to come out eventually. And they will hit you hard, even if you think that it is enough to love each other. We will try to work these out, I'm sure we believe we can, but the reality is that change has to happen on both sides. It takes time and effort as well as the willingness. Is your Ex prepared and willing for that? And why weren't you able to work the problems out before the breakup occurred? A fulfilling relationship means that both partners are aware of their personal state, and that they can interact with each other on a mutual level. If one party is not prepared or fit for that, there will be conflicts.




Our Ex decided that they didn't want to work on the mutual problems, so he or she left. Fighting their decision or talking them back into the relationship doesn't mean that the initial problems will get solved.




Reason 3: Your Motives Might Be False

"A great obstacle to happiness is the expectation of too great a happiness." — Fontenelle

Ask yourself one question: WHY do you want your Ex back so desperately? Don't tell me, I know - Because you LOVE them. Right? Everyone is telling me the same reason. I used to say the very same thing back then. I believed in this motive, she used to be the very reason I was living, the answer to my prayers for years, my dream come true. I deeply and honestly loved her. So I thought. I found out in a very painful process that this wasn't real love, but my projection of the IDEA of love. I wanted this so desperately that I saw everything through rose-colored glasses - things appeared as I wanted them to be. I really talked myself into it every day. The power of affirmations in action.




Once that was taken away from me, my world crashed. So, I'm asking you again - WHY do you want your Ex back so desperately? Analyze your concept of love to realize what's behind all of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there is no such thing as love - there is - I'm only saying that most people have a wrong understanding of it. A transfigured romantic and unrealistic view of love. Another strong – but nonetheless wrong – motive to get the Ex back is "because I need him/her". The strong belief that we need our Ex to survive is very often founded in powerful memories of earlier separation or loss, like early childhood memories. The most common are experiences of abandonment, like for example an early death of a close one or the experience of being deserted somewhere when you were supposed to be picked up as a child. Others are experiences of rejection, shaming or even mental or physical abuse. All of these are strong emotional stressors, but FALSE motivations to cling to your Ex. They lead to fear of loss and other negative feelings which weaken a relationship. The only way to get over these is by working on ourselves. Getting back with our Ex wouldn't solve these problems at all, we would have to face them over and over again. They




won't go away by themselves. You have to make it clear to yourself what YOU REALLY want. By knowing your most important personal needs, you will understand what your REAL motives behind your urge to get your Ex back are - and maybe, this urge will be gone with this realization. One of the most common needs and motives is happiness, but what many do not realize is that you do not need your Ex in order to be happy. Real happiness can only come from within, by accepting and loving yourself. This is one of the most fundamental truths one can discover.




Reason 4: Your Ex Probably Moved On

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." — Thich Nhat Hanh

What happened in our relationship before the actual break up? Our Ex decided by walking away, that they don't want to invest time and effort in getting the relationship to work. No counseling, no talking about problems, no investing time and sweat to get the sparkle back. They couldn't or they wouldn't. They told themselves, (and maybe us too), that they "fell out of love". Their love was gone, they don't know why and they were very sad about it. "Why was my Ex able to move on so quickly after the break up?" This is a question I'm asked a lot. The answer is, because they went through the phases of break up recovery long before you actually split. There were already over you when they broke up with you. Men especially tend to leapfrog into another relationship before they actually told us that it was over. The new




relationship gives them strength to pull this off. Women are usually more determined. Once they have the impression that the relationship is beyond repair, they split up very quickly. It is almost impossible to get an Ex back who has already moved on, and it is usually not worth the effort because it's against "the flow of things". It would only destroy our self-esteem... what's left of it.




Reason 5: There Will Be Pain

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." — M. Kathleen Casey

We have to make one thing clear to ourselves - trying to get our Ex back will cause pain. Maybe more pain than to actually start going through the healing phases. Do you have a clue what lies ahead of you? Most of you will chase your Ex, beg, plead, harass, e-mail and phone several times a day. You will embarrass yourself and you will hate yourself, even years later, for what you did. And all for what? For a ridiculous, miniscule chance of getting them back and staying together with them? But the worst of this whole thing is that you give away power. Your power. You would have to wait for your Ex and their reactions. Everything depends on them. You are completely out of control of things. You are passive, and passiveness is death. Your self-worth and self-esteem is already badly damaged because of the break up, and now it goes completely into the cellar. I can guarantee you this - after a while of unavailing trying to get your Ex back, you will be completely and utterly




devastated, and without power. You will have to start at zero. Don't do this to yourself. Start the healing process right away by accepting and taking the 3 steps I will describe later. Retake your life into your own hands.




Reason 6: Acceptance Is The First Step To Recovery

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." — Saint Francis of Assisi

How can you know that your break up is not something that you CAN change? The simple answer is - you will feel it in your gut. I am aware that this is very vague, but there are no rules, no definite pattern. The truth is that everyone KNOWS deep down inside if their own break up is definite or not, we just like to deny our instincts. You WILL know, IF you are able to ignore the constant "storm of thoughts" inside your head telling you that there is no survival without your Ex. And WHEN you know, there is really no other thing to do than to accept it because all else causes more pain. By still wanting your Ex back, there can be no acceptance, and without acceptance there is no healing. Acceptance IS the first step before anything can get better. If you decide to fight the odds and take the small chance of getting them back, you will NEVER be a strong and




independent person because you will always depend on your Ex. Your fate will always be in their hands. Who is responsible for your own happiness if not yourself? It's time to take back what's yours and decide your own fate. Acceptance is the doorway to that new path.




Reason 7: It's An Opportunity To Grow

"Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself... True happiness is born of self-reliance." — The laws of Manu

Let me ask you some questions:

• Do you know who you really are?

• Do you know how you would react to certain circumstances and events?

• Are you aware of your beliefs, needs and longings?

Our way of modern life with all its advantages and disadvantages contributes to our departing from our REAL self, the person deep inside who we really are. That is why self-discovery and self-improvement is very popular at these times, it serves people's desire to reconnect to themselves and to find a purpose. A break up or divorce, as painful and excruciating as it may be, is a rare opportunity to face your real self. See that dark and threatening black abyss in front of you and discover who you really are. It works. Wanting to get back with your Ex is a slap in the face to this opportunity, and would be a MAJOR step back for your personal development. All that pain, all that suffering would be for nothing.




Wasted. Why not use this breakup or divorce to engage in healing and empowering processes of self-discovery? There is a reason why some people suffer terribly and others seem to continue normally with their lives as if nothing has happened. Are they better and stronger than us? Emotionally stronger and aware maybe, but not better. You too can reach that emotional stability and independence, only by facing the pain and going through all the steps of healing. It's not easy. I can tell you right away that it's tough. But it's worth the effort. What are the alternatives? To reconnect with your Ex with a tiny chance of reconciliation, and an even tinier chance of having a fulfilling relationship, only to eventually break up again with even more pain to bare? The worst thing is - you will get used to giving up, not going through the pain. You will be avoiding it by all costs in the future. Break up, rebound relationship, break up, rebound relationship… your whole life.

Don't do that. You can stop this right NOW.




The 3 Proven Steps To Start Healing Right Away

“You gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

Is it really over, or is there still a chance? You will know the answer if you are able to stop your babbling mind and listen to your inner voice. That is all you need to know when asking yourself this question. What is the alternative, the solution? Right after a breakup or divorce we find ourselves in a state of shock and denial. We don’t have a clue what happened or why this has happened. "Am I dreaming? What did I do wrong? Why?" So many questions we have no answer for. Maybe the circumstances of our breakup were difficult - cheating, emotional cruelty, lies and being dumped in a heartless way. All of these emphasize the state of shock. What I recommend at this point is contrary to what other breakup coaches say. The following applies only if your breakup is fresh, one week ago at a max! (If it’s more than one week ago, continue with the 3 steps below). I recommend that for one week you do what you think you have to do. But only for one week.




You can call in sick, don't get out of bed, cry - let it all out. You can go through all the good memories, wallow in self-pity, try to find some closure. At this point I do NOT recommend contacting your Ex, but many of you will feel the strong urge to ask questions or to see them for one last time. Do this ONLY if your breakup was no longer than a week ago, (and never do this if you were in an abusive relationship!) Let it all out, but limit this to one week only - this is very important. Ok, one week's over, what now? There are 3 proven, very important steps you have to take in order to start healing right away.




3 Proven Steps To Start Getting Over Your Ex Right NOW

Step 1: Cut off all contact with your Ex for at least 60 days.

This is the most important thing. The mother of all post-breakup rules. This means no physical contact, removing their numbers, email addresses, Facebook contacts, no stalking, drive-by’s, no birthday wishes - nothing! Inform your friends/family that you don’t want to hear anything about your Ex whatsoever. Write him/her an email/letter to ask them to not contact you again. You can use the following template:

Dear [name], I have come to the conclusion that it’s impossible for me to stay in contact with you AND to recover from this breakup at the same time. I need time and space for myself. I respectfully ask you to NOT contact me in any way whatsoever for the time being. Thank you and take care, [your name]




Yes, this sounds very harsh, but it gets the message across. If you like, you can soften up the letter a bit, but I do NOT recommend that you write how much you loved them and other personal stuff. Keep it business-like. You need time to recover and you do not want to be disturbed during that period. I know cutting off contact sounds very hard and cruel, but it’s THE precondition for recovery. You can read all about the no-contact rule, with it’s obstacles and problems on my website, (along with the very supportive comments by the community).

Step 2: Purge your place of all the things that remind you about your Ex

The more thorough, the better. Put them all into a big box and move it to a friend’s. Personal things can be like contact mines, triggering bad emotions and memories. You don’t need that right now. Anything that activates a memory or emotion goes into that box. No exceptions allowed.

Step 3: Overcome the urge to over-analyze and stop thinking about your Ex

This is a big one. I’m going to share a technique that can really help you with No-Contact, and at the same time shorten


http://lovesagame.com/no-contact-help-how-to-fight-the-urge-to-contact-your-ex/



your healing time immensely. The urge to over-analyze the situation, the looking for reasons - why your Ex did this and say that - the "if only" and "what if" hypothetical mental reasoning is a dangerous trap. This trap leads to constantly replaying in your head parts of the relationship and imagining how things would have been if you did not behave in a certain way. Although it is important to learn from your mistakes, in the beginning this continual mental reasoning can harm you big-time. Comprehension of what happened and the profit you gain from it comes later in the healing process. Not now. It is important to choke it off right when it begins. To do this, use this little technique I call “The Mind Ex-Detox”. It’s the best tool I know for stopping unwanted thoughts. “The Mind Ex-Detox” technique consists of 5 steps:

1. First you have to identify your recurring thought patterns. Write them down. Take your time with this. This could be, for example:

o looking for reasons o imagining your Ex with a new partner o reliving the actual breakup o reliving old painful memories o playing through the

"shoulda/woulda/coulda's"

2. Make a list of 3 of your most pleasant thoughts and pictures ever. It is important that these thoughts and pictures give you pleasure, and have nothing to do with the unwanted thoughts. This could be:

o imagining playing a favorite sport ("Skiing on fresh powder ... I'm flying")




o a hobby o a peaceful or beautiful place o a special achievement or award

3. Put a rubber-band around your wrist and every time

negative thought patterns rise up, you pull that rubber-band and shout “STOP” loudly, (or in your mind if there are people nearby).

4. Immediately switch to one of the written down positive thoughts. Relive them vividly in your mind. Merge with these positive thoughts and become them. Do this in as much detail as possible, enjoy all the pleasant sights, sounds, tastes, and smells for about thirty seconds.

5. Repeat the process as often as required.

The technique takes some conscientious practice, but with time you can master it. Stopping your monkey-mind from reprocessing and reliving the negative thoughts will give you a big advantage over other “Dumpees” who follow the common sense “time-will-heal-all-wounds” breakup survival approach. You will heal much, much faster and start the healing process simultaneously.




Conclusion

These 3 steps I’ve described above are proven in practice, they are NOT just a theoretical concept. These really work! Follow them religiously. They are important. They are the best start to getting over your Ex you can have. The key to all this, and to your whole healing process, is following the No-Contact Rule. It will most certainly be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But it will free you. I did the same when the strange, wise old man asked me whether I wanted to have my Ex back or not. Guess what I answered. I said "No!". Because deep inside I felt that it was definitely over, and it was far better for me to face the cruel consequences - the pain, the missing, the anger, the loneliness. This wasn't my first break up, and maybe it wouldn't be my last, but it would definitely be the last one that destroyed and devastated me that much. I would never again allow myself to give away all of my power and tie all my happiness to one person. I used this experience to make myself better and more aware




of the person that I am, and I was sure that this realization would help me to have happier and more fulfilled relationships in the future. I wasn't fully aware of all of this when I said that "No!", but I felt that strong urge to go this way. I was sure that I didn't want her back, even if she would come crawling back to me. I understand how difficult this is. I know how desperately you wish that everything could be as it was before. But you have to make it clear to yourself that this part of your life is over, and believe me - I know how this thought hurts. Your Ex decided to leave and to not make your relationship work. You cannot force them into doing so. They did what they thought was best for them. You have to respect that. The best you can do now is to move on and follow the 3 Steps. Go through all the seven reasons I gave you one more time, and you WILL come to the same conclusion. Maybe not immediately, maybe you will have to go through your negative experiences first, but eventually you will come to that conclusion. I know it doesn't feel right, I know it hurts like hell, but it's the best for you. My blog, LovesAGame with its helpful community and articles, will help you to go through the phases of your break


http://lovesagame.com/



up superfast, AND at the same time turn you into the strong, independent person you've always wanted to be. You don't have to do this alone, I'm there for you. All the best and take care of yourself! Your friend,




About The Author

Eddie Corbano experienced a devastating break up in 1998. He managed to use this most excruciating experience in his life as a catalyst to identify and overcome the issues he was carrying with him all his life. He not only got over his break up, he improved himself and became a strong, independent and successful

person. He has developed a proven training program which teaches people who suffer from breakups or divorces to get over it in a record time and to use this experience to became the person they've always wanted to be: emotionally independent and successful. His blog about breakup recovery and relationships: www.LovesAGame.com Read more about Eddie and his experience here: About Eddie Corbano My Way Back Into Life - A Personal Story The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up Get in touch with Eddie: http://www.facebook.com/eddie.corbano



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7 reasons you shoud not want your ex back

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