7 essential skills for getting exactly what you...

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Borg

7 easy Lessons to master the silent Language

7 e

asy

Lessons to m

aster th

e silent La

ngu

age

read People Like a Book7 esseNTIaL sKILLs for getting

exactly what you want

The most important 90% of communication is nonverbal.It’s silent—but not hidden.

It’s instinctual—but you can control it. This book shows you how.

You’ll learn how to:

• Readthenonverbalsignsthattellyouexactlywhatpeoplearethinking,feeling,andplanning.

• Controlyourownnonverbalcommunicationsoyoudelivertherightmessageandgettherightresults.

• Deciphergesturesandreadminds.

• Stopsendingsignalsthatundercutyourwords.

• Communicatemoresuccessfullywithfriends,family,colleagues,customers,strangers...everyone!

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Authorized adaptation from the original UK edition, entitled Body Language by James

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Borg, James.

Body language : 7 easy lessons to master the silent language / James Borg. — 1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-13-700260-3 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Body language. 2. Interpersonal

communication. I. Title.

BF637.N66B67 2009

153.6’9—dc22

2009007374

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1

There can be few things more fascinating to men andwomen than the language of their own bodies. Whatwe’ll do over the course of the 7 Lessons is provide youwith enough knowledge to confidently read the bodylanguage of others and—crucially—to be aware of yourown. We’ll train you to look and listen. You’ll find thatyour new-found powers of observation will change yourlife as you learn to really look and really listen.

Just remember one thing at the outset: The science of body lan-guage is not an exact science. Whenever you’re dealingwith complicated “systems,” such as human beings, noth-ing can ever be straightforward. That’s why, as you’ll see,it’s essential to piece together a number of behaviors tomake an accurate reading. Otherwise you’ll fall victim toID 10T Errors all the time.

First of all, take a look at the illustration on the nextpage. You may recognize yourself:

It’s not easy to fake body language. The human body iscomposed of many muscles, and to be aware of the activ-ity of all of them at the same time is impossible—andwe’re including facial muscles in this, too. No matterhow good you think you are at controlling your anatomy,there will always be “leakage” (involuntary signals) thatgive away your true feelings.

“It’s not easy to fake body language.”

Introduction: If you couldread my mind…

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So let’s just summarize the two-way street of body lan-guage and why it’s so important:

� If you’re trying to communicate a point, choose theappropriate body language, and you have a far betterchance of achieving the outcome you’re after.

� Reading the body language (or nonverbals) of othersallows you to modify and shape your message based onyour receiving subtle positive or negative signals duringyour interaction.

BODY LANGUAGE

”The average person lookswithout seeing, listens

without hearing… touches

without physicalawareness… and talkswithout thinking.”

without feeling… moves

Leonardo da Vinci

Feelings are communicated more by nonverbals

than by a person’s words.

BODY WISE

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Body language will always be the most trusted indicatorfor conveying feelings, attitudes and emotions. We unwit-tingly go about our everyday lives displaying our innerthoughts. The relatively new form of communication,speech, fulfils the role of conveying information (factsand data) while the body fulfills the role of feelings.

It’s an inescapable fact that our nonverbal actions screamout more about our moods and feelings than we wouldperhaps wish to disclose. People tend to use the wholebody to read a person’s moods and attitudes, and this isabsorbed mainly at the unconscious level.

That’s why there is the need for congruence (one of our3 Cs—more on these later) if we’re to believe a messagethat’s being conveyed to us. In many cases what we’reperhaps displaying may be an unintended mannerism thatdevalues the words that are spoken and creates a mixedmessage to the listener.

So it’s not that we are even speaking with “forked tongue”(throwback to the old Wild West movies—apologies!),we’re just accompanying it with body language that castsdoubt on the truth of the message so that the words arenot congruent with the language of the body. It could justbe a bad habit that conveys the wrong impression and hasnot been corrected. Intermittent pursing of the lips,holding the head in the hands, covering the mouthwith fingers while speaking, sighing at inopportunemoments, or constantly shifting in the chair whiletalking may all just be bad habits rather than gesturesdenoting a specific feeling relating to the message. But thepoint is they can be misunderstood.

It’s bad enough being found out by your body languagewhen you’re trying not to give things away. But whenyou’re “not guilty”—and it’s just an irritating habit or

INTRODUCTION: IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND

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mannerism that’s distorting your message—that clearly isnot good. If the person doesn’t know you that well or ismeeting you for the first time, they have no baselinebehavior knowledge about you (so they won’t know that aparticular gesture is a natural part of your demeanor). Allthey can go on is what they see or hear.

People who know you the least will judge you the

most.

BODY WISE

BODY LANGUAGE

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When we’re communicating with friends, relatives, workcolleagues, or strangers, we all have certain habits that area part of us in a specific context or situation. If you’remore aware of body language, then you’ll know which ofthese habits to change to improve relationships. It maynot happen overnight, but you can gradually supplantthese gestures or mannerisms with ones that don’timpede your message, with a bit of patience. As thefamous writer and sage Mark Twain once said:

“Habits can not be thrown out the upstairs window. They

have to be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time”When Did it Start?

We’ve only been studying nonverbal communication, orbody language, for around 50 years or so, although socialanthropologists will remind us that its origin goes back tothe beginning of time, before the spoken word. For most ofus, the fascination of black and white “silent” movies is asnear as we get to appreciating how “actions speak louder

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than words.” If you’ve seen the stars of the silent movieera, you’ll appreciate the power of this silent language.

Who can forget images of Charlie Chaplin and even a bitlater, when the “talkies” started, the films of the Marxbrothers, which had sound but conveyed much of thehumor through the actors’ gestures. (RememberGroucho’s dancing eyebrows punctuating his wisecracks?)If you’ve seen any of these, you’ll appreciate thepower of the silent language. Body language gesturesand expressions silently communicate feelings and emo-tions that transmit a thought.

“Who can forget images of Charlie Chaplin...and

Groucho’s (Marx) eyebrows?”The point about body language is that although we areperfectly able to select appropriate gestures and actions totransmit a message, our body also sends out signals out-side our conscious awareness—in other words, without ourpermission! Whatever words we use during any interactionwith people, they are, whether we like it or not, alwaysaccompanied by bodytalk, which can reveal much morethan the spoken word. Yet, most people go about theirbusiness in all activities of their daily life wholly unawarethat they are receivers and senders of nonverbal language.

Initially, we are more likely to believe what we see

rather than what we hear. This will be perceived as

the true meaning and, because of the way that the

brain stores memories, this will be the impression

that is remembered.

BODY WISE

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Small wonder, if you consider that around 95 percent ofthe information that the brain takes in is through theeyes, relegating the other senses—which obviously are noless important—of sound, touch, taste, and smell to just 5percent to complete the picture.

Recognize Yourself?

It’s a simple fact of life: People go around attracting othersto them, or repelling them, because of their body language.Have you ever stopped to consider what your body lan-guage says when you are communicating with others? (Iguess you have, otherwise you wouldn’t be here).

� Do you find that you’re unconsciously turningpeople off?

� Are you—again unconsciously—giving off signalsthat say you’re untrustworthy?

� Do you find it difficult to persuade people tochange an attitude or behavior?

� Do you have difficulty in securing a job offer afteran interview?

� Do you have trouble in getting a date?� Do you feel that you say the right things at the

right time, in most situations, but still make noheadway?

The list is endless.

BODY LANGUAGE

6

Be aware that everything we discuss in our 7 Lessons applies

at two levels: an analysis of your own body language (what

signals do I send out?) and, on the flip side, interpreting the

signals that you receive from others.

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The point is that if you don’t have good body language(either through lack of self-awareness or laziness) andare not good at reading it in others, then you go aboutyour daily life with everything becoming that much moredifficult. Because it’s such an essential part of the way wecommunicate, it means you’re not bolstering your conver-sations and messages with appropriate feeling. Equally, itmeans you’re not aware of the clues that are being given outby others.

Emotions and Feelings

Recognizing a person’s emotions or feelings is your key topeople-reading. Emotions are conveyed more clearlythrough body language than with speech. You’re probablyfamiliar with the term “emotional intelligence” that, over adecade ago, seemed to have kickstarted an awarenesswithin people of the importance of emotions and feelingsin human relationships. Five emotional competencies orskills have been recognized and, the message is this:

“Five emotional competencies or skills have been

recognized.”1 Be aware of your own emotions.

2 Learn to control your emotions.

3 Assess the emotions of others.

4 Look for clues from the body language.

5 Relate successfully with other people.

The important point about these competencies is that 5 will only happen if you have successfully integrated 1 through 4.


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Start with Yourself

You probably are aware of these things subliminally, butin the course of everyday life, it’s easy to take shortcutsand, either through laziness, impatience or poor mood,ignore the signals you may give out and, at the same time,fail to engage your perceptivity and truly listen to others.

Before you interact with others, you should take amoment to analyse your own emotional state. What is it?Impatient, angry, anxious, resentful. Each of these, forexample, will influence the way that you address otherpeople and body language leakage will arise and maycause problems. So you need to manage or control thesesignals.

What about the others—what’s their body languagetelling you about how they are feeling? What you pickup—for example disinterest, frustration, anger, anxiety—may be nothing to do with you. Perhaps the other personhas just heard that the insurance company is not payingfor the roof damage in the recent storm. The point is, it’sup to you as the “receiver” to try to engage his interest.

So empathy is needed first, to pick up a feeling and under-stand another person’s perspective, and then sensitivity isneeded to get people to open up.

Sometimes people’s body language is open and positiveand at some point in a conversation, meeting or presenta-tion will turn to a more closed position, perhaps withfolded arms or hand-to-face gestures (more about thatlater) that indicate a problem. Again, you need to have theperception to notice this change and at what point itoccurred in order to “backtrack” and address the cause ofthis mood change.

BODY LANGUAGE

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ESP

Let’s begin with a memorable phrase: Body language isthe window to a person’s mind. Of course we’d all liketo be able to read minds: That’s what you’ll be learninghow to do.

The subject of extra sensory perception (or ESP) alwaysarouses strong emotions. But you’ll be using a differentversion—your natural ESP—to rouse this dormant “sense”of yours. Let’s look at the three dimensions of your naturalESP—Empathy, Sensitivity, and Perceptivity—in moredetail.

Empathy

This has finally been given it’s rightful place in terms ofits importance in establishing rapport and trust. The con-cept of “emotional intelligence” has highlighted theimportance of empathy, which has been likened to our“social radar.” It’s been described as sensing what others feelwithout their saying so. But it has to be sincere. Becausepeople will rarely disclose how they feel by just usingwords, we pick up their true feelings in three main ways,with

� Gestures

� Facial expressions

� Vocal clues

These tell the real story about a person’s feelings and per-spectives. This, of course, is the essence of body languageinterpretation.

“These tell the real story about a person’s feelings.”


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BODY LANGUAGE

Sensitivity

Being sensitive to the clues that are picked up throughbeing empathetic, and acting accordingly after tuning into another’s thoughts, is the next stage. Being sensitive toone’s own emotions is also important, as body language isa two-way street. What signals are we giving out(through the emotions we are feeling), which, in turn,affects the receiver’s behavior—and the signals that theythen give out to us. (Are we part of the solution, or part ofthe problem?) Having sensitivity requires us to have thecapacity for self-awareness.

10

The mind produces a thought.

The thought produces a feeling.

That feeling “leaks” out through body language.

You read the body language to ascertain a person’s feeling—

and hey presto, you’re mind reading.

Perceptivity

All the information we’ve translated gives us a heightenedsense of perceptivity to the other person’s state and theiremotions—it results in us having intuition. We uncon-sciously “process” a person’s words in the way they weresaid and with the body language we saw. We are then ableto reflect back our perceptions with a much greater skillthat should help toward more positive outcomes.

So you can see that this combination of empathy, sensitiv-ity, and perceptivity gives you greater insight into the truefeelings of others. This is the basis of what we normallyrefer to as our “intuition”—it’s a form of mind reading.

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Mind Reading or Thought Reading?

So you can see that observing or reading body language(coupled with our natural intuition) is the way that we tryto engage in this process of mind reading. But for you tobe convinced that you’re perfectly able to do this, it needsa slight amendment—look upon it as reading thoughts.

So your ESP skills are truly connected with mind reading(or thought reading, if you prefer). Here’s the proof that Ihope will truly convince you that at present you exercisethis power from day to day: The aim is for you to be evenbetter.

Body Language is a Window to the Mind

We unconsciously use our intuition to pick up signalsfrom another person’s posture, facial expression, gestures,tone of voice, eye movements, and much more. Andbecause other people are doing that to us, too, we needself-awareness and empathy to become expert in nonver-bal behavior.

Above all we need to be aware of when the behavior occurs,whether it seem at odds with other behavior displayed and,if so, can we see multiple “cues” to support it? We’ll dis-cuss this next.

The 3 Cs

It’s vital to pay attention to the 3 Cs. No true reading canever come about without taking into account Context,Congruence, and Clusters.

“It’s vital to pay attention to the 3 Cs.”


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� Context: It may seem obvious but you have to look atthe context in which behavior occurs. A man returnsfrom an early morning run and walks with his headdown and, therefore, has downcast eyes—he is alsobreathing heavily. Does that indicate boredom, insecu-rity, or depression? No—he’s just come back from arun. That’s simply what it indicates.

� Congruence: Because visual and vocal body language(nonverbals) make up more than 90 percent of a message,we need to see that the words match the actions—thatthey are congruent. For example, crossed arms, repeatedlooking away, and sighing would not be congruent if awoman were telling others that she was enjoying a play atthe theatre. We would believe the visual message.

� Clusters: Because it is obviously unwise to judge a singlegesture for meaning, we have to look for clusters of ges-tures to interpret body language. One single gesture canbe likened to a word in a sentence. The sentence gives usmeaning (that is, a number of gestures together). Makesure you always look for gesture clusters.

ID 10T Error

Oh…and please take heed of our “house” rule in BodyLanguage Rule Number 3—Warning: ID 10T Error.

Your Natural Intuition

We’re constantly being told that knowledge is power. This isnever truer than when it applies to self-knowledge. Themore you know about yourself, the more you will havethe power to control your own thoughts as well as readingothers.

It’s never too late to learn about body language and it’s askill you can easily become adept at—if you train yourself

BODY LANGUAGE

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to notice more while exercising a bit of caution and takingnote of the 3 Cs.

We’re all naturally good—potentially—at reading thesilent language. After all, that’s all there was at the begin-ning of time. It’s just that many people have neverbothered to take it a stage further and become aware ofthe need to be more observant. Without beating about thebush—it’s usually laziness. But by just changing yourhabits of a lifetime and becoming more aware of otherpeople’s actions—as well as your own—you’ll notice ahuge difference.

� You’ll find that you have a heightened sense of intu-ition because you’re paying more attention to what yousee and also to how people are saying things.

� You’ll pick up whether a person is in a troubled stateand also whether they’re telling the truth, a polite lie,or a more serious one.

� Your sharpened senses and powers of perception willallow you to tune in to other people’s thoughts.

Thankfully, because you were born with that wonderfulcapacity for intuition, you can already tell if someone isgiving out signals that spell out to you happy, miserable,anxious, or relaxed. From a distance you can deducewhether people are having an argument, a friendly conver-sation, or are in the throes of a mad, passionate loveaffair, just from observing posture, gestures, and facialexpressions.

You pick up all this information unconsciously. Whatwould happen if you made a conscious decision to observepeople more carefully? How proficient a reader of bodylanguage or of people’s minds would you be then? Youjust need to know what to look for. So let’s just take it astage further over the course of these 7 Lessons.


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LESSON ONE

Language ofthe Mind andBody1

No doubt over the years, you’ve picked up on the variousways we all communicate—facial expressions, the way westand or sit, gestures such as crossing our arms in a partic-ular way, the position or tilt of the head, or direction of theeyes. All of these movements express something—evenwithout accompanying speech. How you perform thesemovements contributes to creating the image that youpresent and determines people’s perceptions of you.

It’s very rare for any of us, when we’re talking topeople, to believe that our words alone can conveythe right message.

We may smile or grimace, avert our gaze at times, standclose or at a distance, touch (or not), and use other nonver-bal communication to add weight to our message. Anumber of surveys over the past 50 years have provided abody of evidence (did I say “body”—it’s crept in again) toshow that it is body language—or nonverbal messages—that powerfully communicate the following:

� Acceptance and rejection

� Liking and disliking

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� Interest and boredom

� Truth and deception

Wouldn’t it be good to identify all these in your interac-tions with other people? It would certainly save a lot oftime and heartache, and also provide you with feedbackthat might enable you to salvage a situation in somecases.

So, a good awareness of body language provides practicalinsights into improving your interactions with otherpeople in most situations. Friends, family, work col-leagues, customers, clients, at job interviews, withstrangers—it’s an exhaustive list.

Communicating with the Silent Language

Quite naturally, because of our daily interactions withpeople involving the spoken word, we’ve been educated tobelieve that language skills—or more precisely, words—are of paramount importance. They are: But the “silent”language is of equal importance—if not more.

“The “silent” language is of equal importance.”We communicate with our:

� Dress

� Posture

� Facial expression

� Eye contact

� Hand, arm, and leg movements

� Bodily tension

� Spatial distance

BODY LANGUAGE

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LESSON 1 LANGUAGE OF THE MIND AND BODY

� Touch

� Voice (tone, pace, and inflection)

Because we communicate in this “silent” language fromthe subconscious, it follows that as a true indicator ofour feelings, it conveys more than the spoken word.Gestures are very effective in delivering messages in theform of images in a way that speech is unable to do. It followsthat when gestures and words are used simultaneously,this is the most effective method of communication. Wechoose gestures to communicate our message, but ourbody throws out signals that are beyond our consciousawareness (and that’s where the trouble starts).

It’s time to haul out the statistics relating to the ground-breaking— and still highly influential—study conducted in1971 by social psychologist Professor Albert Mehrabian ofthe University of Los Angeles (UCLA). He looked at the rel-ative strengths of verbal and nonverbal messages inface-to-face encounters and devised a communication modelthat has stood the test of time. It has come to be regardedalmost as a template in understanding how people derivemeaning from another person’s message.

The research revealed three elements in any communica-tion message: body language, voice, and words.Mehrabian came up with the famous 55, 38, and 7 modelthat reveals that

� 55 percent of the meaning in any message comes fromthe visual body language (gestures, posture, facialexpressions).

� 38 percent of the meaning is derived from the nonver-bal element of speech (vocal)—in other words, the wayin which the words are delivered—tone, pitch, pace.

� 7 percent of the meaning comes from the actual words(content).

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BODY LANGUAGE

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If your 55 percent—visual body language—is not good,

they’re not even going to stick around (excuse the vernacular)

to listen to the 45 percent !

93 percent of our message is conveyed by the

language of the body (including voice).

BODY WISE

This leads to a startling conclusion:

� This means that in those vital 20 seconds to 3 minutesthat we have when people form a first impression, thisis determined mainly from how we present ourselvesand how we say things rather than what we say (content).

� If there is a mismatch between the words and the waythey are delivered, we tend to believe the delivery ratherthan the words (that is, the highest figure in this list).

� Therefore body language enables us to look beyondthe words that are used and get to the hidden silentmessage that is conveyed (often through the subcon-scious).

So Mehrabian’s classic research tells us that your impactboils down to three factors:

1 HOW YOU LOOK

2 HOW YOU SOUND

3 WHAT YOU SAY

In short—body language speaks louder than words!

What did the research reveal? Well—essentially it wasthis:

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Even if your audience sticks around, if your 38 percent (theway that you speak) turns them off, they won’t take in orcomprehend the 7 percent (the actual words) and they’regone—mentally if not physically. That’s what theresearch findings showed.

How many times have you thought (or said)—at a party,at work, on a date—that things were looking good “untilhe opened his mouth.” (Have you ever seen any of those TVprograms on speed dating?)


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Over the decades, some people, after learning about

the 55, 38, 7 study (and other more recent studies

that broadly confirm these figures), have misinter-

preted these groundbreaking findings. They’ve

concluded that words are not that important and

that as long as you look confident, project the right

impression, dress to kill and then deliver your ill-

construed words with the right seductive pitch and

tone of voice—the world’s your oyster. (A classic

illustration of the maxim that “no information is

better than misinformation.”)

So they’ve concluded that if words are worth less

than 10 per-cent in your interactions in terms of suc-

cessfully engaging with people, then actual words are

not that important.

Incorrect. That’s not what the study showed. When

you read this in the future—and you’re bound to

come across it in a magazine in some guise or

another—take a deep breath.

WARNING

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BODY LANGUAGE

Make no mistake: The words are important. Our objectiveis to get the person to want to listen to us in the firstplace. Even if you consider yourself to be oozing withcharisma without saying a word—words are important.And of course, how you say them is equally as important.

“Get the person to want to listen to you in the first

place.”It’s generally accepted by most researchers that

� Words are used to communicate information.

� Body language (or nonverbals) conveys attitudes,feelings, and emotions.

(We’ll discuss how the way words are voiced, along withdisplay attitudes, feelings, and emotions, in Lesson 3,“Listening,” when we talk about the nonverbal aspect ofspeech—paralanguage.)

Sometimes body language is used as an alternativemedium for verbal messages (think about NormaDesmond’s “With one look I put words to shame…” fromSunset Boulevard).

On the basis of how you score in the three factors previ-ously listed, people will make decisions as to

� Whether they like you

� Whether they trust you

� Whether to go on a date with you

� Whether to do business with you

and bluntly—whether to have anything to do with youat all!

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Many people spend time trying to become expert in

decoding the body language of other people, and

they still don’t improve their personal and work

relationships. Why? Because they forget to look at

their own body language.

CAUTION

A lot of relationships are formed or dissolved in the first3 minutes of an encounter. It’s the gut instinct or intu-ition from the subconscious that is picking up on thenonverbals to decide whether it’s a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

Your amicable words mean nothing if your body seems tobe saying something different. We’re constantly makingimpressions (as sender) for other people to receive andreceiving impressions (as receiver) about other people. It’stwo-way traffic.

We’ll evaluate, through our sixth sense, how we feelabout a person, by the way they express themselvesthrough their body. It’s not even a rational decision on ourpart. Call it intuition. This quote sums it up beautifully:

There is a road from the eye to the heart

that does not go through the intellect.

GK Chesterton

Quit focusing about why you do something with yourbody (facial expression, eyes, gesture). Think—from avisual viewpoint—how it appears to other people and,more importantly, is that what you wanted to convey?

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The first impression sticks—for better or worse. You mayremember the shampoo commercial on television manyyears ago: You never get a second chance to make a first impres-sion. Never was there a truer maxim.

“The first impression sticks—for better or worse.”

BODY LANGUAGE

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As with toothpaste, it’s easier to let negative first

impressions out of the tube than to squeeze them

back in.

BODY WISE

Make sure people are reading you correctly. If you lookthe part and your nonverbal display is consistent, yourwords will be reinforced and your audience will have con-fidence and trust in what you’re saying and will want tohear more.

Kinesics

Way back in 1872 Charles Darwin, known for his theoryof evolution, wrote his groundbreaking The Expression ofthe Emotions in Man and Animals. It wasn’t until the middlehalf of the following century that further serious scientificresearch started again.

One of the early pioneers of body language was RayBirdwhistell, an American anthropologist who worked inthe 1950s. He called this silent communication “kinesics”because of its study into the way that various body partsor the entire body play a key role in communicating amessage.

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Our gestures, which broadly include movement, postures,and expressions, transmit messages while the mouth isbusily sending out the carefully crafted (or otherwise)words. The other giant of the body language movement,zoologist Dr. Desmond Morris, has defined a gesture as“any action that sends a visual signal to an onlooker…and com-municates some piece information to them.” This can be eitherdeliberate or incidental. A lot of our incidental gesturesare ones that we would prefer to conceal. For example,the head-on-hands during a less than exciting trainingsession or the second half of a dull play. Quite often wemay not be consciously aware of adopting a gesture (as itis not deliberate), but this provider of mood informationsends out a signal to the onlooker, and the meaning of itis read.

The kinesic model was further developed by Paul Ekmanand Wallace Friesen (University of California, 1970)—weshall be referring to some of their research on facialexpressions in Lesson 2, “Looking,”—who subdividedkinesics into five broad areas that provide a convenientshorthand for us.

1 Illustrators

These tend to be gestures that accompany speech tocreate a visual supporting message that describes or rein-forces your message, and more often than not aresubconscious in their origin. For example you might ges-ture with a rising upward movement of your upturnedpalm as you describe how house prices have gone up inthe past 10 years.

2 Emblems

These usually replace words—an obvious one is thethumbs-up. In the relevant contexts and in the various


23

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cultures, they are easily understood by the receiver. A littlecautionary note. You’re more likely to be confused withthese in different parts of the world where, if the emblemexists, it can mean something completely different to whatyou intended. You could end up with

� A village bride

� A pack of mules

� A black eye

� Or all three—if you’re on a roll!

3 Affect displays

These are movements that tend to give away your emo-tions, positive or negative, and are usually unconscious.These would include facial expressions, gestures asso-ciated with the limbs, body posture, and movement.We’ll be talking a lot about these as they reveal muchabout how we are feeling—to other people and also toourselves. They constitute the leakage that in many caseswe’d rather hide.

4 Adaptors

Similar to affect displays, adaptors are a mood indicator andare difficult to consciously control, making them a goodbarometer of someone’s true feelings, be they positive ornegative. They indicate whether the person is lying orengaging in a more serious form of deception. Adaptorsinclude switches in posture and movements (alter-adap-tors), actions that are directed toward the body such asrubbing or touching the face (self-adaptors), and actionslike chewing a pencil, removing spectacles, or fiddlingwith jewelry (object-adaptors).

“Adaptors include switches in posture and

movements.”

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5 Regulators

These are movements related to our function of speakingor listening and also indications of our intentions. (We’lldiscuss intention movements later.) Head nods, eye con-tact, and shifts of body position come under this category.

25

As you sit through the other Lessons please remember

to interpret everything from two angles—with both hats

on. Don’t forget—you’re a receiver and a transmitter of

body language.

BODY WISE

Always ask yourself two questions:

1 What signals are people sending out (that I need todecode)?

2 What signals am I sending out (are they what Iintended)?

Let’s just accept from the start that

� What people say is quite often at odds with what theyreally think or feel.

� As a receiver of information, it’s up to you to interpretthe body signals to ascertain the true meaning of themessage.

This can significantly affect the outcome.

When you communicate with others you need to know

� Whether you are sending out good positive body signals.

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� That as a sender of information, you have the self-awareness to recognize and eliminate any negativebody language that delivers the wrong message.

This can significantly affect the outcome.

Conscious or Unconscious?

So, before we carry on, here’s a recap about the role ofbody language in our personal interactions with otherpeople. In addition to spontaneous behavior, body lan-guage is something that we can use purposefully toinfluence an interaction.

All of us go about our daily lives transmitting messages tothe world through our body language. But rememberthese two points as you go along:

1 Some of these gestures are deliberate (and, therefore,conscious).

2 Many gestures are beyond our control and are due toour physiology (and, therefore, unconscious).

What to Look for—the Big Two

Let’s simplify things right at the outset with some keypoints. These are the two things you want to be aware ofat all times during any interaction—you want to knowwhether the people you are with are showing signs of

1 Comfort or discomfort (or anxiety)

2 Open body language or closed body language

Use this as a shorthand for reading body language from nowon—and forever! Please commit it to memory.

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This shorthand process will help you immensely becausewhenever you’re with people, your newly trained eye willimmediately focus on these two points, which validate eachother:

� Do I detect comfort in this person’s demeanor—or dis-comfort?

� Is their body language open—or is it closed?

Open or Closed?

The clues as to whether the person is comfortable wouldbe validated by open body language. Discomfort, mean-ing any kind of negative state such as anxiety, fear,nervousness, and hostility, would be validated by closedbody language.

So already we’ve taken a huge stride in recognizing aperson’s emotional state. Of course, it’s not the difficultyof this state that’s the problem for most people. It’s usu-ally laziness or lack of awareness—or both.

“We’ve taken a huge stride in recognizing a person’s

emotional state.”


27

From today make a point of sharpening up your

mind-reading skills by looking to really see and lis-

tening to really hear. Begin by trying to recognize

open and closed body language with everybody you

come into contact with.

TRY IT

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We’ve spoken about gestures and the need to base inter-pretation on clusters rather than trying to work things outfrom one solitary signal. In virtually every encounter you havewith other people it’s of immense importance to observe the clus-ters that signify either open or closed body language.

Of course the terminology speaks for itself when we con-sider our everyday language. Who’s more welcoming? Theperson who says, “I’m open to offers,” or the one who says,“This is non-negotiable”; or the boss who says, “Pop inanytime if you have a problem, my door is always open,” or“…my door is always closed!”

Open body language is welcoming, relaxed, and attentive.It signifies a lack of barriers of any sort, whether they bephysical or extending from your own body. Your body isopen and exposed and you’re suggesting that you’re vulner-able to others but you’re comfortable about it. Your handsare usually in view, possibly with exposed palms,which signifies submissiveness, and your legs and pos-ture are free, and easy and eye contact is good.Everything indicates a positive state of affairs.

Closed body language is a cluster of gestures, movementsand posture that brings the body in on itself. If you’reexperiencing the “fight or flight” situation when you’rethreatened in some way, the tendency is to make the bodyappear smaller and to look for barriers to shield you fromthe threat.

Bringing the limbs close in to the body achieves the closedeffect and a barrier can be put up by crossing the arms. Thisclosed position is often used when you want to show thatyou’re not a threat to the other person (some people of amore introverted nature may adopt this pose) and showwhen you are uncomfortable in being in the situation youare in, or being with a particular person. Not much eye

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Put yourself in a closed body position. Note how it

changes your mood. The mind affects the body—but

the body also affects the mind. Now adopt an open

position. See how your mood changes.

Observe other people in these two positions and

note how you perceive them—and their message. Is

it deliberate or unconscious? Can you think of

people in your life (work or personal) who display

these two types of positions? Does it affect how you

respond to them?

TRY IT

Open body language is welcoming and relaxed,

whereas closed brings the limbs close in to the

body.

BODY WISE

contact and tense shoulders and limbs that are crossed(folded arms and legs) typify this negative situation.

Just take a moment to consider what we’ve just discussed.What’s your “signature” position. Do you exhibit thesetwo types of body position in different situations? Betyou do.

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Displacement Activities and Self-ComfortGestures

These are the main sources in our quest to read peoplebetter. We look for activities that reveal the clues to aperson’s state of mind—and accordingly how the relation-ship may develop. But we cannot take single gestures inisolation: This is where people often become stuck.

“We cannot take single gestures in isolation.”Gestures have been likened to a single word in a sentence.You can’t make meaning or sense from a single word,but when words are put together with others to forma sentence, then we have meaning. It’s like that withbody language. We piece together a number of clues thatmay point to the same thing. This is why we talk of clus-ters. Identifying these leads us to a certain conclusion.

So can we really say just because a person touches theirnose when asked a certain question that they’re lying;that when someone shifts position while sitting thatthey’re feeling nervous; that folded arms indicate bore-dom with the listener; or that interlocking ankles arehiding aggression? Of course not. As single isolated ges-tures they indicate nothing. If all of these actions occurduring an interaction with someone (a cluster of signals),then there’s a good chance that there is a negative atti-tude from this person, and so it might be a good time tochange tack and try to get to the root of the dissatisfac-tion.

It could be you, your message, or the environment (con-text) that is causing the problem. Many people mistakenlygo through life thinking that they’re good at readingpeople’s nonverbal signals. They’ll take a single action by

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32

another person and, lacking the requisite empathy to digfurther, they’ll ascribe it to a particular feeling—with nobackup information. Needless to say, these people mayend up antagonizing others (“No I’m not bored with whatyou’re telling me; I’m just tired”…“No you’re not—you’re bored,I can tell.”…“Will you just leave it for now….”)

So you need a lot of information to make a judgmentabout a person’s attitudes. It’s one step along a path inwhich you’re looking for clues. Hasty and incompleteinformation leads to poor readings.

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33

CHAT ROOM

Q I’d just like to ask a general question before we moveon through the Lessons. You know when you meet some-body for the first time and they appear trustworthy andfriendly. And then with someone else you get the opposite;you don’t trust the person as soon as you begin a conver-sation. Is that because of body language?

It may not be consciously apparent to you at the time,but your gut feeling or intuition is telling you thatwhatever’s being said by both people may be perfectlyokay; it’s just that with the second person you’re get-ting mixed messages. Their verbal and body languagesignals don’t mesh. Some kind of involuntary signal,from their face, their posture, or a gesture, sends youa subconscious message that you don’t feel comfort-able about them. We’ll explore all this later.

Q Are we saying that the brain is capable of seeingbeyond the reach of the traditional five senses, intopeople’s minds?

Let’s put it this way. In any interaction with anotherperson, your brain takes in a vast amount of informa-tion from her body language and the vocal aspect ofbody language—paralanguage. The senses send backthis information to your subconscious where it manip-ulates data (for want of a better term) received withyour life experiences, to form that gut feeling or intu-ition we just spoke about. It then sends this to yourconscious brain that makes a decision as to how youfeel and respond.

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Q Are some people naturally better at picking up signalsand “reading” people?

Yes. Just like some of us are naturally better at play-ing a sport or a musical instrument, or singing ordancing. But it doesn’t mean we can’t learn theseskills. We may not match up to the “gifted” few, butwe can certainly be proficient—we just may have topractice more. And of course you know what happensthe more we practice something—suddenly we’re good.

Q Does that mean we’re all going to be body languagewizards at the end of these 7 Lessons?

Of course you can be—and I hope that’s what the out-come is. If you start really seeing and reallylistening—backed up with everything that we’ll have covered—you will sharpen up your own self-awareness, and then you’ll certainly see the magic.

Q So we’ve got to remember some figures at all times, isthat right? 54…30 something….

Don’t worry—it’s okay: 55, 38, 7. You will rememberthese, I guarantee, by the end of the final Lesson. Justbe aware of the reason why a lot of us fall by the way-side in our relationships with other people. By the way,when we talk about relationships we’re not just talkingabout social and affairs of the heart. We’re talking anyrelationship whether it’s with acquaintances, workingrelationships, service providers, business clients—youname it. We all have the capacity to attract or repelpeople.

Q So this first-impression phenomenon that we’re alwaysbeing told about is something we should take seriously?

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Well it’s not a phenomenon—it’s an instinctive dislikeand distrust between one person and another, and theinformation that decides this is communicated in avery short space of time. Your brain computes a lot ofinformation in an instant.

Q I think we’ve got the message. Body language is allabout picking up information on a subconscious level, andthat tells the truth better than any words. Is that it?

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

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237

INDEX

appearance, likeability and,199-200

The Apprentice (televisionseries), 74

armsbehind back, 125folded, 135-144

attitudes, body language and, 3attractiveness. See likeabilityauthority of palms down

gesture, 113autonomic nervous system,

80-82, 181

Bback, hands behind, 125baseline behavior, lying and,

166-167, 193Beckham, David, 126Beckham, Victoria, 83biochemistry of anxiety, 216-218Birdwhistell, Ray, 22, 122biting the lip, 178-179Blackman, Honor, 102Blair, Tony, 220blinking, 52-55, 172-174

Aacting, body language in, viiactive listening, 90-91adaptors (gesture type), 24affect displays (gesture type), 24aggressiveness of finger-

pointing, 114airports, displacement

activities at, 116-118Allen, Woody, 196ankles

crossing, 152lying and, 185-186

annoyance, narrowing eyesand, 60

anxietybiochemistry of, 216-218blinking and, 53Daniel Craig interview

example, 210-213displacement activities, 115-120forgiving yourself for, 218-220Gordon Brown example, 220lying versus, 192replacing negative thoughts

with positive, 215self-comfort gestures, 120-122,

125-127, 145-146types of, 209-210

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body language. See alsodisplacement activities;facial expressions; hands;leakage; listening; lying;paralanguage7 Rules review, 231in acting, viiin communication statistics, vicongruence with speech, 3conscious versus

unconscious, 26disconnect with speech, 33in flirting/dating situations,

225-227habits in, 3-4inability to fake, 1in interview situations, 228-229mind reading and, ix, 9-12mirroring, 97-99, 105natural capacity for reading,

12-13open versus closed, 8, 27-30of personal space, 154-157reasons for learning, 192role of, 3, 16-22rules for, 231-232shorthand for reading, 26-27in speeches/presentations,

229-230unawareness of effect of, 6-7as unconscious communication,

4-6body position, effect on

mood, 30body/mind link. See

mind/body linkboredom, 128-130brain

effect of stress chemicals on,217-218

hand connections with, 110left brain versus right brain

activities, 173breathing

effect on speech, 101lying and, 190

Brown, Gordon, 220Burns, George, 120

Ccars, conversations in, 51changing thinking, 213-215Chaplin, Charlie, 5Charles (prince of Wales), 144Chesterton, GK, 21cigars, 120Clinton, Bill, 54, 164, 179,

181-182Clinton, Hillary, 113, 182close intimate zone (personal

space), 155closed body language, 8, 27-30closed eyes while speaking,

55-56closed smiles, 80clusters, 12, 28, 31-32comfort. See self-comfort

gesturescommunication

elements of, 16-22eyes, role of, 37-38unconscious communication,

body language as, 4-6communication statistics,

body language in, viconcentration, narrowing

eyes during, 60confidence of folded arms,

141-142congruence, 3, 12, 105

facial expressions, 63, 85-86incongruent smiles, 75-77lying and, 191-192

conscious body language, 26context, 12conversations in cars, 51Coren, Giles, 68Craig, Daniel, 210-212crossed ankles, lying and,

185-186

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INDEX

239

EEastwood, Clint, 117Ekman, Paul, 23, 65, 72, 80, 166Eliot, George, 201Elizabeth II (queen of

England), 144emblems (gesture type), 23emotional intelligence, 7, 214emotions

body language and, 3emotional intelligence, 7eye movement direction and, 52facial expressions and, 63-65,

80-82empathy, 9

lip biting and, 179need for, 8

environmental activity, 65errors in speech, lying

and, 191ESP (Empathy, Sensitivity,

Perceptivity), 9-10exhaling smoke, 118The Expression of the Emotions

in Man and Animals(Darwin), 22

externally directed displacementactivities, 118

extinguishing cigarettes, 118eye contact, 38-39

dominant-subordinate interactions, 50-51

gaze behavior, 40-41length of, 46-49likeability and, 201listening and, 94lowering the eyes, 42lying and, 171-174where to look, 42-45

eye movement, 84-85blinking, 52-55closed eyes while speaking,

55-56darting, 58-59dipping, 56-57

crossed arms, 135-144, 158partial arm-cross, 142-144types of, 140-142unlocking, 139

crossed legs, 151-153, 186-188crowds, personal space and, 154cut-offs. See eye movement

Ddarting eyes, 58-59Darwin, Charles, 22, 63, 97, 215dating situations, body

language in, 225-227de Bono, Edward, 162deception. See lyingdefensive gestures, 136, 143-145deliberate gestures, 23Dench, Judi, 62, 102dipping the eyes, 56-57, 84direction of eye movement,

meanings of, 52disagreement

folded arms, 138hands to face/head, 130-133

discomfort, blinking and, 53.See also self-comfort gestures

disguising defensive gestures,143-145

displacement activities, 31,115, 159. See also self-comfortgestureslying and, 175

mouth touching, 176-177nose touching, 180-183

smoking styles, 118-120at train stations and airports,

116-118dominance of palms down

gesture, 113dominant-subordinate

interactionseye contact in, 50-51eye movement and, 84

dry mouth, 180Duchenne smile, 73Duchenne, Guillaume, 70-71

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direction, meanings of, 52lying and, 172-175narrowing, 60widening, 61

eye shuttle, 58eyes, role of

in communication, 37-38in smiling, 71

Fface touching, 125-135

lying and, 175mouth touching, 176-177nose touching, 180-183

Facial Action Coding System(FACS), 73

facial expressions, 37-38, 62-65. See also eye contact;eye movement; smilingcongruence, 63, 85-86effect on emotions, 80-82emotions portrayed by, 63-65lips, position of, 83lying

blinking rate and, 172-174eye contact and, 171-172eye rubs and, 175face touching, 175gaze behavior and, 173-174lip movements, 178-180microexpressions, 168-169mouth touching, 176-177nose touching, 180-183smiling and, 169-170

microexpressions, 73-74FACS (Facial Action Coding

System), 73fake smiles, real smiles

versus, 69-74, 170faking body language,

inability to, 1feelings. See emotionsfeet movement, lying and,

188-191, 195feet positions, 146-150felt smiles. See real smiles

finger-pointing gestures, 114fingers in the mouth, 131first impressions, vi, 18-22,

34, 199-200fists in folded-arm gesture, 140flicking cigarettes, 119flirting, 44

body language in, 225-227signals from men/women,

204-206fluttering eyelids, 53folded arms. See crossed armsfoot movement, lying and,

186-189, 193foot positions, 146-150Ford, Harrison, 83forgiving yourself, 218, 220Freud, Sigmund, 108Friesen, Wallace, 23, 65Frostrup, Mariella, 102

GGambon, Michael, 103gaze behavior, 40-41. See also

eye contactlying and, 173-174

genuine beliefs, 165genuine smiles. See real smilesgestures. See also displacement

activities; hands; self-comfortgesturesconscious versus unconscious,

17, 26finger-pointing, 114isolated, 31-32kinesics, 22-26lying and, 183-184negative leakage and, 220-222palms up/down, 111-114

glazed eyes, 54

Hhabits in body language, 3-4Hall, Edward, 154hand clasps, 120-122

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241

hands, 109-111. See alsodisplacement activities; self-comfort gesturesconnections with brain, 110expressiveness in

communication, 110finger-pointing, 114gripping arms, 140hiding, 111lying and, 175, 183-184palms up/down gestures,

111-114happiness, as positive

emotion, 66head, hands touching, 125-135head nods

listening and, 94-97speed of, 95-96types of, 94

head shakes, 94head tilts, listening and, 97hearing, listening versus, 92-93hesitancy in speech, lying

and, 191hiding hands, 111, 183Hitchcock, Alfred, 38hostility of folded arms, 140Houdin, Robert, xi

I–JID 10T Error, 12, 220-222,

224illustrators (gesture type), 23incidental gestures, 23incongruent smiles, 75-77inhaling smoke, 119inner voice activity, 65intention movements, 146

feet positions, 147-150leg positions, 151-153

interlaced fingers, 124intermittent eye contact, 44interviews, body language in,

228-229intimate zone (personal

space), 156

intuition, 10-13, 21Irons, Jeremy, 103Ivanisevic, Goran, 126

K–LKeats, John, 233Kennedy, John F., 142Kerr, Jean, 200kinesics, 22-26King, Larry, 89

leakage, 209. See alsodisplacement activitiesDaniel Craig interview

example, 210-213gestures associated with,

220-222Gordon Brown example, 220mind/body link, 209, 213-215

left brain activities, 173leg positions, 151-153

lying, 184, 193crossed ankles, 185-186crossed legs, 186-188shields for, 188-189

Leonardo da Vinci, 39Lewinsky, Monica, 181licking lips, 180likeability, 197-199

appearance and, 199-200eye contact and, 201listening and, 202-203paralanguage and, 201smiling and, 200-201in work situations, 207

lips, 83, 178-180listeners, length of eye

contact, 46-49listening

active listening, 90-91body language and, 104eye contact and, 94head nods and, 94-97head tilts and, 97hearing versus, 92-93likeability and, 202-203

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poor listening skills, 92speaking versus, 89

“listening between the lines,” 90lop-sided smiles, 83loudness of voice, 99-100lowering the eyes, 42lying, 163-164

baseline behavior and, 166-167, 193

blinking and, 53congruence and, 191-192difficulty of detecting, 166facial expressions. See facial

expressions, lyingfoot movement, 186-188hand gestures, 183-184leg movement, 184, 193

crossed ankles, 185-186shields for, 188-189

nervousness versus, 192paralanguage, 189-191poker game example, 167-168types of, 164-165

Mmagic of mind reading, ix-xiMarx, Groucho, 5masking, 167

identifying, 86smiles, 72-75

Mehrabian, Albert, 17memory, effect of stress

chemicals on, 217-218memory loss, forgiving

yourself for, 218-220men

flirting signals, 206listening skills, 202

microexpressions, 73-74, 168-169

mind reading, body languageand, ix-xi, 9-12

mind/body link, 209biochemistry of, 216-218changing thinking, 213-215

mirroring body language, 97-99, 105

misunderstandings, 58-59, 165mood, effect of body position

on, 30Morris, Desmond, 23, 36, 48, 120mouth

covering with hand, 130-131fingers in, 131touching, lying and, 176-177

muscles controlling smiles, 71

Nnarrowing the eyes, 60natural intuition, 12-13neck, touching, 145-146negative body language, mis-

communication from, 58-59negative leakage, gestures

associated with, 220-222negative thoughts, replacing

with positive, 215nervousness. See anxietyNewton, Isaac, 233nodding. See head nodsnonverbal communication.

See body languagenose touching, 159, 180-183

O–Popen body language, 8,

27-30, 158open smiles, 80orbicularis oculi muscles, 71

palms up/down gestures,111-114

paralanguage, 105-106in active listening, 90aspects of, 99-102likeability and, 201lying, 189-191perfect voice formula, 102-103

Parkinson, Michael, 211-212partial arm-cross gesture,

142-144

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INDEX

243

pauses in speech, lying and, 190perception, 8-10, 163-164perfect voice formula, 102-103personal space, 154-157personal zone (personal

space), 156physical effect of facial

expressions, 80-82physiological reasons for nose

touching, 181pictures, eye movement

direction and, 52pitch of voice, 99, 191, 194poker game example, 167-168poor listening skills, 92positive emotion, happiness

as, 66positive thoughts, replacing

negative thoughts with, 215posture, effect on speech, 101pouty lips, 83presentations, body language

in, 229-230proxemics, 154-157public zone (personal space), 157pursed lips, 83

Q–Rrapport, 51, 97-99, 105Rathbone, Basil, 60reading body language

natural capacity for, 12-13shorthand for, 26-27

reading minds. See mind readingReagan, Ronald, 208real smiles

fake smiles versus, 69-74, 170identifying, 78-79

receptor cells, 127reduced blink rate, 54regulators (gesture type), 25-26relationships, likeability. See

likeabilityreplacing negative thoughts, 215research on smiling, 65-67rhythm of voice, 99-100

Rickman, Alan, 103right brain activities, 173rubbing eyes, lying and, 175

Sself-comfort gestures, 31, 159

arm positions, 135-144disguising, 144-145feet positions, 146-150hand clasps, 120-122hands behind back, 125hands to face/head, 125-135hands touching neck, 145-146leg positions, 151-153steepled hands, 122-124

self-talk, 159senses, information conveyed

via, 6sensitivity, 10Shakespeare, William, 88shaking head. See head shakesshields for leg/foot movement,

188-189side to side eye movement, 58-59The Silence of the Lambs (film), 57silences in speech, lying and, 190silent language. See body

languageslow blinking, 54smiling, 85

effect of, 67-69incongruent smiles, 75-77likeability and, 200-201lop-sided smiles, 83lying and, 169-170masking smiles, 74-75muscles controlling, 71open versus closed smiles, 80real versus fake smiles, 69-74research on, 65-67social smiles, 77-80

smoking, anxiety shown in,116-120

social lies, 164, 192social smiles, 72, 77-80social zone (personal space), 156

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Sommer, Robert, 154sounds, eye movement

direction and, 52speakers, length of eye

contact, 46-49speaking

breathing, effect of, 101closed eyes during, 55-56listening versus, 89posture, effect of, 101speed of, 99-100, 190

speechcongruence/discongruence

with body language, 3, 33role of, 3vocal body language in, 17

speeches/presentations, bodylanguage in, 229-230

speed of speaking, 99-100, 190staring, 45state of anxiety, 210statistics

body language in communication, vii

communication, elements of, 17information conveyed via

senses, 6length of eye contact, 47

steepled hands, 122-124stress chemicals, effect of,

216-218submissiveness of palms up

gesture, 112Sunset Boulevard (film), 62superiority

blinking and, 54crossed legs and, 153

synchronizing body language,97-99, 105

Ttapping feet, lying and, 189tell (in poker), 167tension. See anxietyThatcher, Margaret, 55

thinkingchanging, 213-215effect of stress chemicals on,

217-218thought reading, 11throat clearing, lying and, 191thumbs in folded-arm gesture,

141-142tight lips, 178tilting head. See head tiltstips, effect of smiles on, 80train stations, displacement

activities at, 116-118trait anxiety, 210true smiles. See real smilestrust. See also lying

eye contact and, 41-42smiling and, 76

Twain, Mark, 4

U–Vunconscious communication,

body language as, 4-6, 26unlocking folded arms, 139

visual body language, 17vocal body language, 17vocal inflections. See

paralanguagevoice, perfect formula, 102

W–Zwidening the eyes, 61Wilde, Oscar, 234women

flirting signals, 204-205listening skills, 202

words, in communication, 17, 20work situations, likeability

in, 207

zones of personal space, 154-157zygomatic major muscles, 71

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