pire legends” he claims . “We thought they had passed, until those blonde chicks started show-ing up dead in Mikhovia.” When asked about his own noc-turnal activities, Mikhov denied that he engaged in any vampire-like conduct. “Bro, I don’t even want to go there. We didn’t come to America for indoor plumbing, we came to get away from the rumors about us being vampires.” How-ever, despite Mikhov’s continuing denials, rumors of strange night-time activities persist. In an exclu-sive interview with The Low Re-view, neighbors of Count Mikhov, in the hills above Brentwood, claim to have seen him disappear in a fog of smoke before their eyes, and report his strange habit of sleeping all day, and staying out all night. “Something’s not normal down there in Apartment A,” said a

neighbor, on condition of anonym-ity. “A lot of the women in this complex are frightened at night, and everyone has been locking their windows.” Associates of Mikhov also claim strange behavior, “With all these allegations of nighttime activities, don’t you think it’s a lit-tle too coincidental that he lives on a street called “Sunset?” asked 3L Russell Higgins, a student at Pep-perdine. “And isn’t odd that he puts just a little cranberry in his vodka, because he likes it to be red?” Mikhov continues to scoff at these rumors, but declined our request to inspect his apartment. When asked about his Halloween plans, Mikhov refused to comment. In response to inquiries about where he would be, he simply smiled coyly and replied, “I’m having a chick for dinner.”

? Paul “il duce” Matiasic upset by lack of interest in the deserts.

? 85% of students at Barrister’s ball in Bottom-Half.

? Lord McGoldrick disappointed in students lack of “sagacity” at Barrister’s Ball.

? Bar fees at Barrister’s Ball give local Los Angeles Businesses much needed economic boost.; Mayor Hahn claims L.A. now out of recession.

? 3L Shadrick King seen “getting jiggy” at Barrister’s Ball.

? 99% of students leave barris-ter’s Ball intoxicated, SBA an-nounces event “a success!”

A publication of The Bottom-Halfers Legal Society (BHLS)

Cover Page: All the news that’s not fit to print

sault on the local ruler, when men loyal to “Borislav the Im-paler,” a distant Mikhov relative, entered the castle inside a coffin. “That’s where this whole story about vampires started.” Shortly before the fall of the Soviet Union, the Mikhov Fam-ily was chased from their home by an angry mob that blamed the family for a string of unex-plained “vampire-like” deaths. “This has been the story with my family for years,” commented Mikhov. According to Mikhov the legendary story of Count Dracula did not originate in the fabled region of Romania known as Transylvania, but rather began in Mikhovia, the black sea fief-dom ruled by the Mikhov fam-ily.. By most accounts, the Dracula story is an adaptation of the real-life rise of a 15th century Roma-nian nobleman who impaled his enemies. But Mikhov says that the first emergence of vampires in written form is found in Rus-sia around 1047, when the word “upir”, an early form of the word later to become “vampire” ap-peared in a document referring to a Russian nobleman as “upir lichy” or wicked vampire. Ac-cording to Mikhov, that “vampire” was his distant rela-tive. “Bro, those Romanians stole that story from one of my distant relatives, Borislav the Impaler” said Mikhov. “Since my family took power, we’ve been fighting these crazy vam-

While many students and fac-ulty members are familiar with 3L Count Borislav Mikhov, few people are aware of his storied family tree. In his new book, entitled Absolute Mikhov: 500 Years of Counthood, Mikhov discusses the history of his noble family and their brutal rise and fall in a changing Russia. “When I immigrated here from Russia,” said Mikhov, “the hard-est thing for me, other than fewer servants and an end to summary executions, was the loss of my reputation. “In Russia, the name Mikhov means something. People say it with respect, and when my coach passed by, people would remove their hats and bow.” In a chapter entitled “Mikhov’s Massacre” Mikhov describes how his family seized power in a midnight as-

10/31/2001 Volume 1, Issue 4

At the Ol’ McDonnel Law Center

NEWS BRIEFS:

? The Count recipient of Bronze Barrister Award, enforces dra-conian law “prima nocte.”

Our Founder

Borislav the Impailer Count Mikhov

In an attempt to foster student interest in school related activities, Pepperdine held its first anti-apathy rally Monday. Dean Lynn, flanked by SBA representatives and several professors were on hand to discuss students apathy toward university events and campus involvement. The meeting, however, which began at 4:00 pm ended abruptly at 4:03, when it became clear that no students were coming. Dean Lynn was said to be angered and distressed by the poor turnout. In a series of polls conducted by The Low Review, most students declined to answer questions, citing indifference to being polled. When asked why students are disinterested, 3L Jeff Cur-tis simply shrugged and walked away. Responding to a question about what would get more students involved, 1L Jeremy Felt replied, “I don’t really know, what do you think?”

? “ExamSoft” computer virus credited for fall of Russia.

Dean Lynn stages “Anti-Apathy” Rally; students fail to show

HEY HIGGINS! Where’s my 10 bucks?!

?

? ?

Ready for another installment of resume bolstering tips for the bottom half? This trick is called, The Numbers Game: Use your lowly status to get you a job. The lower you are the better. For those of you in the bottom 10%, you can legiti-mately put on your resume : “ in the top 90th percen-tile .” Follow this logic: there is top 10% , top 33% , top 50% , there must also be a top 60%, and yes even a top 90%, i.e. 90th percentile, it sure sounds good. Imagine the value of putting top 98% on your resume. The worse you are, the better in this game of mismatched numbers! Percentile and per-centage are two very different things but they sure sound similar, and does anyone really know what they mean? Your bottom-halfer status is your shield against the inquisitive sword of pushy interviewers. “Hey I’m in the bottom-half. I cant figure out this complex system of percentages!” Many resumes pass the big boss’ desk. If something catches their eye, you have an in. Its all about getting the interview. If you can get in your 90% there, or is it 10%? Either way its another interview you would not have gotten otherwise. What are they going to do? Not hire you? Big surprise...They weren’t going to anyway. Example: Dan Droog: 99th percentile or top 99%? Christian Puzder: 99th percentile or top 99%?

Okay, lets get started. Re-cently the Low Review received an email from Prof. Gash, ask-ing “why [The Low Review] favor[s] Perrin so much.” Our answer: Well, Perrin is the best, even though he tricks students into learning. Prof. Gash followed up by asking “why [The Low Review] won’t put the funny things he says in class in the Low Re-view.” Well okay Gash, Here you go: in tribute to the man whom you are dressing up as for Halloween, here are some funny Gash quotes from Evidence and Torts classes: ? ? ?

Law School Dean Richardson Lynn has announced that Supreme Court Jus-tice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will preside over Pepperdine’s first annual pumpkin carving contest. In an effort to boost the school’s national reputation, students will compete against teams from Malibu Elementary and other area schools. This year’s competition is entitled “Spooky Souter,” and teams will compete to cre-ate the scariest image of the meek Su-preme Court justice. Prizes for 2nd and 3rd place contestants include Reese’s Miniatures and a copy of Michael Jack-son’s Thriller. First place finishers will be treated to dinner at Hollywood’s Magic Castle with Count Mikhov.

Ginsberg to Preside Over Pumpkin Carving Contest

Wondering what to do with all of your extra holiday time? If you have access to a trailer, you could help Stu Miller sell Christ-mas Trees!! This is a great sea-sonal job from late September to December while you await your Bar results! Stu Miller has been actively wholesaling Christmas trees and products for over 30 years throughout the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Applicants are required to be available from October 1st to October 31st (Pumpkins), No-vember 22nd to December 24th (Christmas trees), and have ac-

<——–LowCI——–>

Page 2 ThE halLOWeen REVIeW

1L Tips for Success: D) “Oh, Bro - this is so phat.

LowCI resume tips

cess to a trailer or motor home. ? Annual harvest exceeds

100,000 trees with an an-ticipated harvest in excess of 200,000 in the year 2000.

? Record for on-time delivery is unmatched in the indus-try.

? Over 20 locations through-out California with our first location opening in 1960.

Percentage, percentile, there’s a distinction without a difference!

view, to urge the administration to take immediate action against this threat.” While unveiling his pack-age against Bottom-Halfer cells, Droog said “First and foremost, the Law Review will begin construction of a headquarters exclusive to staff, high atop the majestic eucalyptus on the George Page Residential Complex. I believe a sort of tree-house design is the best approach.

Law Review Plans to build strategic ‘top 10’ Treehouse

? “Arr. I’m going as a pirate.” Prof. Bob Pop-ovich

? “Lucy Lady Duff

Gordon!” Prof. Skippy McDermott

? “Well, naturally I’m going as Obi-Wan, Caldwell as Darth Vader and Scar-berry is going as Yoda.” Prof. Tim Perrin

Page 3 Volume 1, Issue 4

The Low Review has ob-tained key information about Dan Droog and his cohort Ja-son McCuiston the Law Re-view. The Low Review now represents a threat against the Law Review as the school’s premier publication. Editor in Chief, Dan Droog explains, “This bottom-halfer pride busi-ness is really getting out of hand. Law school has always been about elitism and I will not allow 300 years of tradition to be spoiled by jurisprudential terror-ism.” Droog continued, “In order to re-stabilize the fragile hierarchy that was given to us by Odell McDonnell and the Pepperdine forefathers, I am using my posi-tion as Editor in Chief of the Law Review, might I say the “A” re-

Generally, the very nature of bot-tom-halfers prevent them from ris-ing to the top. Therefore, we’ll be safe high above the median ground

level in our tree house. Public policy further dictates that one’s view of the Pacific di-rectly reflects their status on campus.” Once the decision makers of the school are safe, the Law Review will begin extensive strikes against Bottom-Halfer training camps and those who harbor them.” Droog warned area pizza parlors and bars “You are either with us or with

the bottom-halfers.” When questioned by top -halfer Scot Wilson about his new policy, Droog responded, “Generally, pre-ferred treatment of the privileged top 10% was conceived from the beginning: ‘The potter makes ves-sels of honor and vessels of dis-honor. Does the vessel ask the pot-ter, ‘why have you made me in such

This week, we asked some professors here at Pepper-dine How they were going to dress-up for Halloween: ? “This year I’m going to

slick-back my hair, put on a sweater set and go as Doug Kmiec.” Prof. Tom Bost

? “I’m going to the Man-

sion, we tend to dress down there, not up.” Prof. Jim McGoldrick

? “The Count” The Count

Yer AR be good!!

Prof Alford Golfer Phil

a way?’ (Romans 9:20-21). There-fore, if God wanted all law students to be treated equally he would have gifted them with the ability to IRAC!” The dissident student was quickly flogged and declared a bot-tom-halfer operative. Droog concluded by reminding the staff and editors, “ The “O” Review is not the problem, it is the fruit of a “tolerant” attitude that has been brewing for years now. If this trashy publication had been re-leased 10 years ago, no one would care, no one would read it. The problem is this bottom-halfer revo-lution, and I blame the prior ad-ministration for permitting the can-cer to spread. I don’t want to tar-nish anyone’s legacy but the Inkle regime, should have stamped this out from the beginning.” After a short propaganda video the meeting concluded with an “A” victory shout, a ten minute chant of Droog’s name, & a symbolic burn-ing of the last Low Review issue.

Cheers, §A!

Droog & McCuiston plot against the bot-tom half

The Tortfeasors finished the regular season with a perfect 6-0 record after Team DVDA, fearing a shellacking by the best team in the league, failed to show up and forfeited. The Tortfeasors hope to continue their im-pressive run in the playoffs, beginning next week. At an end of the season celebration party held at Pierview The Tortfeasors

Flag Football

For those of you who decided to stay home watch-ing some B-rate sitcom or hours of post-game recaps, you missed a rather extraordi-nary event that in blurred ret-rospect seems like the conflu-ence of a perfectly respectable gathering…and Disney’s Fan-tasia. Unlike past years, Barris-ter’s Ball 2001, was actually a rather enjoyable event. There was no boat, there was no faux gambling, and there was no boring ballroom or hackneyed hotel lobby. The “law prom” of past years was replaced by a 32-story party in which peo-ple were free to come and go as they pleased, and actually enjoyed themselves in the process. The location, high above Los Angeles with it’s millions of glittering lights was indeed impressive, and the crazy-looking main bar was alive with the sounds of Duke El-lington on one side and Toot-sie Roll on the other. And naturally the rumors are still flying about what was going on in the private glass-rooms and darkened observation

This week:

THE BARRIS-lounge. But the real show was undoubtedly the guests. With clothing as diverse as that in a Moroccan bizarre, watching the eclectic proces-sion of partygoers was in-deed the main event. Like any decent L.A. party, there were celebrities, and ours included Her Majesty Janet Kerr, and the Right Honor-able Lord McGoldrick. But, there were plenty of other notables there, and many of them made grand entrances. Dozens of guests arrived in fancy cars from chic restaurants around the city, including the party-bus mob of marauders described as Cayhill’s Clan. Of course, no entrance was more grand than that made by Count Mikhov and associates, who pulled up late in the evening in a limo large enough to generate it’s own weather and missing only the moni-ker: United States Ship. There were cigars and marti-nis, good music and bad dancers, and despite the odds, nobody fell out of a window. Even the fact that there were more bartenders

consumed mass quantities of buf-falo wings, and beers. Although Pierview is one of his notorious hang outs, Star of the Tortfeasors Tyler Kratz was notoriously ab-sent. In fact the team has been cu-rious about his absence from school following the Barristers Ball . Regardless, Prof. Gash, not well known for his vocal abilities, led the team in a tremendous rendition of Queens hit “We are the Champi-ons.” For the event gash dressed the part of Freddie Mercury to the hilt, and was able to capture the falsetto of the late great Mercury. Gash stated “I did it for the team. I may not be the funniest professor, like Perrin, or the

than 2Ls didn’t detract from the party, which fi-nally broke up about the time people were resetting their clocks. And for those of us who drove home late the next morn-ing in disheveled suits or wrinkled evening gowns, the party felt like it was still going…most of Sun-day in fact. But, it’s over now, and nearly everyone has been filled-in on their embarrassing moments or briefed on their strange behavior (if not ask around). This year’s Bronze Bar-rister Award, The Low Review’s prize for the most outstanding display of non-courtroom de-meanor is proudly awarded to Count Mikhov, who was nominated by Bob Gumer. Congratula-tions Count, you outdid yourself. The Low Review wishes to thank Paul Ma-tiasic and the SBA for a memorable event. As Bar-rister’s goes, it wasn’t a bad evening, not a bad evening at all.

smoothest professor, like Lord McGoldrick, but none of them has a thing on me when it comes to a Freddie Mercury impres-sion!” Gash said after a plate full of Atkins diet approved pro-teins. “If the team wins this whole thing they may be lucky enough to see me do my version of the Village People’s smash hit “YMCA.” I might even break out the sailor costume for my evidence class. But the team has to win the whole thing.” We all have faith in you, Gash, and your band of merry Tortfeasors! Gash performs Queens hit “We are

the champions!”