1 day #8 of 8 expectations, emotions & relationship success roster:handouts: please verify your...
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Day #8 of 8 Expectations,Emotions &Relationship
Success
Day #8 of 8 Expectations,Emotions &Relationship
SuccessRoster: Handouts:
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http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm
The Psychology of Love & LossExpectations, Emotions &
Relationship SuccessDay #8 of 8
The effect of our expectations on our emotions
How gratitude relieves stress and how a sense of entitlement increases stress
Characteristics of successful relationships (Shelly Gable, Judith Wallerstein, John Gottman)
…but first:
Motivating Change in Relationships: Can Prayer Increase Forgiveness?
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Yes.
Item #13 on today’s page
The Plane of Possibility Emotions,
intentions,
images, memorie
s, thoughts
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
The Plane of Possibility Peaks may be
triggered
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
The effect of our expectations
onour emotions
How our happiness is affected byour sense of entitlement
versusour sense of gratitude
BB = f(= f(PP x x EE))BehaviorBehavior = function of = function of
(the (the PersonPerson x the x the EnvironmentEnvironment))
Emotion Emotion = function of = function of (the (the Person’s ExpectationsPerson’s Expectations
x x thethe Environmental Environmental
OutcomeOutcome))
How our happiness is affected byour sense of entitlement
versusour sense of gratitude
A Sense ofEntitlementA Sense ofEntitlement
A Sense ofEntitlementA Sense ofEntitlement
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HIGH EXPECTATIONS HIGH EXPECTATIONS 1 OF 21 OF 2
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HIGH EXPECTATIONS HIGH EXPECTATIONS 2 OF 22 OF 2
A Sense ofGratitude
A Sense ofGratitude
A Sense ofGratitude
A Sense ofGratitude
The Plane of Possibility
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Peaks may be triggere
d
The Plane of Possibility
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Peaks may be triggere
d
The Plane of Possibility
From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton
Cognitions
Emotions
Overt Behavior
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What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we criticize someone?
How does the other person feel?
Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior
What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we praise someone or
express our gratitude to them?
How does the other person feel?
Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior
Gottman’s RatioGottman’s RatioThe proportion of
praise & gratitude comments relative to criticism comments
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Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success
When a relationship is in crisis.
5:15 5 words of praise or gratitudewords of praise or gratitude
for everyfor every
1 1 criticismcriticism
When a relationship is not in crisis.When a relationship is not in crisis.
88::118 8 words of praise or gratitudewords of praise or gratitude
for everyfor every
1 1 criticismcriticism
Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success
Let’s take the time to be kind to ourselves, and to others, and
increase our relationship success.
Our memories are imperfect, but we can keep Gottman’s ratio in
mind.
88::11May I be kind enough tooffer this ratio to myself.
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Don't Let theDon't Let theSpirit CrushersSpirit CrushersGet You Down Get You Down
ByROBIN ABCARIANLos Angeles Times
September 18, 1994
Item #6 on today’s page
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Cheerleader Partners
Shelly Gable and her colleagues videotaped 79 couples taking turns discussing positive and negative events in their lives. Partner responses were coded as being one of four types.
Item #10 on today’s page
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Types of Partner Responseafter hearing about a girlfriend’s
promotion. • Energetic, destructive response
“Are you sure you can handle all that responsibility?”
• Passive, destructive response Changing the subject.
• Energetic, constructive response“You really deserve it. You’ve been working hard for that promotion.”
• Passive, constructive response“That’s nice, dear.”
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Participants reported the highest levels of
relationship satisfaction
when their partners’ responses to their
personal achievementstended to be energetically constructive.
Cheerleader Partners
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Energetically Energetically constructive:constructive:
“You really deserve it.You’ve been working
so hardfor that promotion.”
Cheerleader Partners
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What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news.
“When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.
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What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news.
“When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.
88::11Kind PraiseKind Praise::CriticismCriticism
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GOTTMAN’S RATIOGOTTMAN’S RATIO
A “Language” Reminder:
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♥♥ Words of Affirmation
♥♥ Quality Time
♥♥ Receiving Gifts
♥♥ Acts of Service
♥♥ Physical Touch 46
CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE LANGUAGESLANGUAGES
Loneliness
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LonelinessITEM # 27 On Today’s Information Page:
Lynch, J.J. (1977). The broken heart: The medical consequences of loneliness. New York: Basic Books, Inc.
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Loneliness:
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Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale
Loneliness:
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Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale1. O S R N …I am unhappy doing so many things alone 2. O S R N …I have nobody to talk to 3. O S R N …I cannot tolerate being so alone 4. O S R N …I lack companionship 5. O S R N …I feel as if nobody really understands me 6. O S R N …I find myself waiting for people to call or write 7. O S R N …There is no one I can turn to 8. O S R N …I am no longer close to anyone 9. O S R N …My interests and ideas are not shared by those around 10. O S R N …I feel left out 11. O S R N …I feel completely alone 12. O S R N …I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around 13. O S R N …My social relationships are superficial 14. O S R N …I feel starved for company
LonelinessPromotes InflammationDuring Acute Stress
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Item # 14 On Today’s Information Page
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Fig. 1. Results from Study 1: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α) and (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6) as a function of measurement time and loneliness (low = 1
SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013;0956797612464059
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Fig. 2. Results from Study 2: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α), (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6), and (c) interleukin-1 beta (IL-1β) as a function of
measurement time and loneliness (low = 1 SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).
Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013;0956797612464059Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
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“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy - age 4
Definitions of Love
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“You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8
Definitions of Love
…in times of conflict,maintain a mindful awareness of
your moral center.
Stop the clock for a moment to acknowledge,
“I love you.”
Being Mindful Mindful
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It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for
romantic relationships
Item #12 on today’s page
• The Gratitude Visit
Gratitude Gratitude ExpressedExpressed
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
William Arthur Ward
CognitionCognitionEmotionEmotionOvert BehaviorOvert Behavior
The 3 Primary Domains of the Human The 3 Primary Domains of the Human ExperienceExperience
…and a field test
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TODAY’S LISTTODAY’S LIST
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TODAY’S LISTTODAY’S LIST
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TODAY’S LISTTODAY’S LIST
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Thank you for the beauty
of our days together!
May the open place
in our heartsserve as an entrance.
The End.