Free Indeed

-I plead guilty judge because I did it,

and these days when I’m wrong, I promptly admit it.

-I don’t claim perfection; my life is a process,

every morning I awake and thank God for the progress.

-The man standing before you is not the same,

same shirt, same shoes minus the chains.

-Not knowing if it’s showing in the way that I talk,

but I can feel a new freedom in the way that I walk.

-It feels good, so good,

Jesus kept His promise like He said he would.

-He came to the world for you and me,

those locked up and those that are free.

-Because what we did is not who we are,

in Jesus Christ, we have a brand new start.

-Don’t believe the lies, don’t accept the labels,

Jesus wants you to sit at His table.

-Freedom lies in these words now repeat after me,

I AM FREE!

-Lock me up and throw away the key,

because they can’t take what I have inside of me.

-When the son sets you free you are free indeed,

they can’t take what I have inside of me.

1

S

Standing at the bus station in downtown Flint, I was about to board a bus to go home when I realized what had just happened. Minutes before I plead guilty in a court of law to a charge that could land me in prison for five years. It was my fourth drunk driving; a felony in the state of Michigan. Of course I felt like trying to fight it somehow or run, but I was sober today, and the spirit in me told me to do the right thing. That’s when the beginning lines of the first verse of the song “Free Indeed” came to me. I was practicing the tenth step and didn’t even realize it. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but I knew making things right with God was what I had to do. And no matter how much jail I get out of it, they can’t take that or my relationship with Jesus away from me.

“Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into Christ’s body by one Spirit, and we have all received the same Spirit.”1 Corinthians 12:13

Second Chances-God is love; there is no power above,

and He’ll lock you down if He thinks it’s good for ya.

-I didn’t get prison, thank God I’m free,

but I’m not free to be who I used to be.

-Sitting on a bus on my way to probation,

thinking of all the ways I received salvation.

-He’s the God of second chances; I’ve gotten more than a hundred,

He’s never loved me any less for all the mercy I’ve squandered.

-But I’m done hurting those in my life,

I’ve lost friends, family, and even a wife.

-Got minutes on my phone and dollars in my pocket,

temptation will turn to sin if I don’t stop it.

-With the help of Jesus my lord and savior,

I choose to glorify Him with today’s behavior.

-Been locked up most of my life,

I policed myself so I did what I liked.

-All the time the judge was watching me,

and for the cuffs on my wrists, I had the key.

-I just needed to turn from those ways, and back to God before judgment day.

-So when we stand before God we want Christ on our side, He’s the greatest lawyer money can’t buy.

2

Looking at my life and all the chances I’ve been given and blown, sometimes I wonder: Why me? And why I would go back to doing the same stuff over and over again. It didn’t seem to matter what the consequences were: multiple trips to the hospital, multiple trips to jail, and multiple jobs lost and completely homeless. It wasn’t until there were spiritual consequences at stake that I truly started to surrender. Once my relationship with Jesus grew to a certain point, I got used to that level of intimacy with Him. During times of sobriety I would run back to my savior and begin to feel better. Like John cuddling up next to Him, I began to feel at home in His presence. My addiction severed that closeness I felt with Him whenever I used. The only way I can stay clean today is to stay close to Jesus and the only way I can feel close to Him is if I stay clean.

“Do not conform anymore to the ways of this world, but let God transform you by the renewing of your mind. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is.” Romans 12:2

The Way-I'm sorry lord I went the wrong way,

but you kept me alive for another day.

-As soon as I was finished I asked for your forgiveness,

knowing that your love for me will never be diminished.

-Now I sit back and reflect on that choice,

why did I have to listen to that voice.

-It sounded like my own, but how could that be,

why would I want back in bondage when you set me free.

-The lies are good, I gotta give em credit,

but they have no power over me unless I give it.

-Now I stand before you trying to look you in the eye,

hands feeling too heavy to lift up high.

-Then I remembered all your promises and all your truths,

staying focused on that knowledge will get me through.

-With tears pouring out and words of praise,

with an attitude of gratitude Jesus you are the way.

3

Stepping out for a break while working at Target (another one of those jobs I gave up for my addiction) I prayed to God for forgiveness. My behavior was not that of a Christian the night before. I had fallen for that same lie again that I could only have a few and quit. Now, with a sickening hangover, I could barely function at work. Not knowing my addiction was going to be the end of this job and the next couple to follow, I continued with my one meeting a week, church and loads of service work. The service work made me feel better for not being able to stay sober. Backwards I know. Sadly, this was my program for a couple of years. Jesus had another way in mind, however.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.” John 14:6

The Vine-Thank you Lord for showing me a better way,

shinning your light making this an even brighter day.

-Then taking my mistakes and making them lessons,

and creating out of the kayos in my life this blessing.

-The way we choose to live is totally up to us,

the way of the world or the way of Jesus.

-I've got scars on my body and in my heart,

because the way of the world can rip you apart.

-But I was healed by the way that you choose to share,

thank you Lord for showing me you still care.

-Your ways goes against everything I've known,

I can be filled with you even when I think I'm alone.

-You make me realize when I act out of selfishness,

it puts a dent in the breastplate of your righteousness.

-And when love is not the motive for an action,

your way becomes unclear and it loses its attraction.

-Your way has lightened my load and eased my pain,

but I had to give it to you...Jesus you’re the way.

4

This is the second verse in song I wrote called “The Way”. The week before performing it with the Central Celebrate Recovery worship team during our worship service I heard a Jeremey Camp song on the radio that I really liked. When the DJ came on after the song was finished and said: “That was the brand new song from Jeremy Camp called “THE WAY” I thought to myself God definitely has a sense of humor.

However, these words I like to call “The Vine” are very heart felt for me. They describe the horror I felt away from Jesus and the beauty of restoration. They mean a lot to me still to this day and always will be a thank you prayer for me. I hope they can be one for you too.

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Can’t do it alone -Lord you told me, to seek you first,

because when we don’t do that we’re going to make things worse.

-All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men,

couldn't put Anthony back together again.

-With psychologies and philosophies....

words without power have no effect on me.

-But once we hand over ALL the pieces,

our lives start to shape in the image of Jesus.

-Change....it's going to take some work,

the heat still on and sometimes it hurts.

-But let us fan the flame of the gift of God,

no time for fear as the work goes on.

-Holy spirit...We love it when you move,

we've never needed you more what do we have to lose.

-Lord, you saw something in me,

when I couldn't see it for myself but now I believe.

-All praise and glory to the one and only king,

Jesus is the way let the whole world sing.

5

Dealing with the brokenness that comes with doing things our way instead of God’s way, I started out the third verse of “The Way” with a line from the old nursery rhyme “Humpty Dumpty”. “Can’t do it alone” talks about me seeking help from secular recovery, but it wasn’t until I had a relationship with Jesus did I find any victory from my addiction. Because with it comes the power of the Holy Spirit. Our will power can only take us so far, if anywhere at all. So we must rely on a “power greater than ourselves”. Can’t believe I just used one of the steps to describe some of this poem. Of course I go to a lot of 12 step meetings, so this shouldn’t really surprise me.

“This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:6-7

Let It Rain-Dear father in heaven, I need your help,

I fall down every time I try to do it myself.

-I try to go through life being about your business,

but sometimes I feel I'm not a very good witness.

-Your spirit is holy so let it guard my heart,

but the flesh on these bones is falling apart.

-I'm energized when I come in Your presence,

and I need it cause this world is full of heart breaking lessons.

-Let your love burn through all the pain and hate,

that if we're not careful we'll accumulate.

-Please father, give me a shower,

saturating me with your power.

-As you can see the worlds covered me in dirt,

cleanse me of it before it gets any worse.

-The weight of their pain is too much for me,

so I put it where it belongs at Calvary.

-So won't you join me in this simple praise,

Lord open up the floodgates.

6

Writing “Let it Rain” was a pleasure and as painless as it gets. Asking God for His life giving, spirit energizing power isn’t hard to do when you get a taste of it. Sadly I gave it back. Got another taste of it, then give it back again. My life as a Christian in addiction was filled with this set free and back in bondage cycle for years. However, Jesus does not leave people in this condition if they continue to seek Him. Thank you Jesus!!!

You can tell my relationship with God was growing as I started, around this time, calling Him my father. It was around this time I was becoming accepting of my relationship with my earthly father was as good as it was going to get. He loves me as best he can and knows how. Accepting my earthly father for who he was made it easier to accept my heavily father for who He is. Yes, I’m talking about forgiveness. Life changing, one of the hardest things to do in this world and it’s sometimes a long process: forgiveness! This was the kind of dirt I was talking about in the poem. Life is filled with it. God didn’t design us to carry it on our own. That’s why He sent His Son so we don’t have to.

Writing “Let it Rain” was a pleasure and as painless as it gets. Asking God for His life giving, spirit energizing power isn’t hard to do when you get a taste of it. Sadly I gave it back. Got another taste of it, then give it back again. My life as a Christian in addiction was filled with this set free and back in bondage cycle for years. However, Jesus does not leave people in this condition if they continue to seek Him. Thank you Jesus!!!

I knew my relationship with God was growing as I started, around this time, calling Him my father. It was around this time I was becoming accepting of my relationship with my earthly father was as good as it was going to get. He loves me as best he can and knows how. Accepting my earthly father for who he was made it easier to accept my heavily father for who He is. Yes, I’m talking about forgiveness. Life changing, one of the hardest things to do in this world and it’s sometimes a long process: forgiveness! This was the kind of dirt I was talking about in the poem. Life is filled with it. God didn’t design us to carry it on our own. That’s why He sent His Son so we don’t have to.

“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away.” Psalm 139:1-2

Instructions for Life-No matter what happens, I'm going to give you praise,

but today Lord I could use just a little more rain.

-This countries in a terrible condition,

that’s what happens when we forget about Your Son's mission.

-Open up the gates and release the flood,

let the current break free those stuck in the mud.

-This worlds been holding my affections for ransom,

telling me my father, can only have some.

-But what you've done for me, and do for me,

you sent your son for me, to set me free.

-I've felt that power so many times,

and shared it through so many rhymes.

-You might ask, why I keep writing,

sometimes I ask myself, why I keep fighting.

-The answers are found in your word,

instructions for life, water for the earth.

-Now everybody sing put your voices together,

give glory to God no matter the weather.

7

Continuing to focus on the purifying qualities of water, “Instructions for Life” is the second verse from a rap I wrote for the song “Let it Rain”. It was one of those times when I found myself in praise and worship enjoying the presence of the Holy Spirit and thought to myself: I could put a rap or two in this song. Come to think of it, the Holy Spirit was probably talking to me because when I sat down to write, the words just came pouring out. Not forced at all. Jesus Culture does a great version of “Let if Rain” if you want to check it out on YouTube. Unfortunately they haven’t asked me to do my rap with them, YET. But, the folks at Free Indeed (a Christ based 12 step at Faith Tabernacle, Flint, MI.), seem to love it and sometimes catch me off guard by asking me to do it upon walking in the door. Everything I write is just a testimony or a prayer and usually a combination of both. We should be ready, as Christians, to drop either without much thought. It takes practice though, I didn’t get there overnight and am still practicing at it.

“I look up to the mountains- does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord who made the heavens and the earth!” Psalm 121:1-2

Armor of God -Arrows of fire, blocking out the sun,

prepare for battle the war has begun.

-Forces of darkness as far as you can see,

fight or die there will be no retreat.

-The enemy comes in all shapes and forms,

let the belt of truth reveal them in the storm.

-And God's righteousness be your breast plate,

a soldier of Christ must stand up straight.

-We could never march on without words of peace,

creating a readiness under our feet.

-The strength of your faith will determine your shield,

the attacks of the evil one will never yield.

-Let your salvation protect your mind,

as you battle the enemy of all mankind.

-So as you swing your sword that came from the word,

never stop praying and let your request be herd.

-March with me and if you fall down,

I'll pick you up and carry you back to the battle ground.

-We were made for this fight,

to reflect His light in the darkest night.

-Until the day comes we don't need Your armor, when we're called up to heaven to give You praise and honor.

8

I wanted to write something about the spiritual fight we go through every day as Christians. “Armor of God” was the first verse in the song “Made for this Fight”. I will never forget the first time I did this song live for our Friday night Celebrate Recovery worship service. Two days before, on Wednesday, I fell deathly ill. At least I felt like death. Not being able even to get out of bed the whole day I remember praying to God and asking Him why I was so sick. Didn’t He want me to do this song? I was nervous as all get out to do it in the first place. Thursday I stumbled through practice of the song and by Friday, still only at about 50%, I was in front of about a 120 people (not bad for a Celebrate Recovery) doing it. I learned a great lesson that night. It is not our strength that we should rely on. He is strongest through our weakness. We take some serious hits as Christians doing what He asks us to do. The enemy does not us to share what God has given us. But, we will never be given more than we can handle.

“For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and

Weapons Check!-Though we live in this world and fight for this world,

the weapons that we use are not of this world.

-Ok soldier, let’s do a weapon check,

I can see the tears and I can see the sweat.

-But if you continue to white knuckle it,

you’re going to get tired and you’re never going to make it.

-Give it all to God every thought,

your armor will appear like it’s something you bought.

-It covers your front leaving your back exposed,

that’s covered by your brother yet another God choose.

-To walk with you and talk with you,

but all orders come from you know who.

-He gave us the tools that we need,

never again do we have to claim defeat.

-Power was poured into our life,

when we received salvation from Jesus Christ.

-So when we admit we're weak and call His name,

watch the enemy retreat and hide in shame.

-But those demons will return and you can count on that,

so keep your armor on and we got your back.

9

I’ve gotten so much from Paul’s letters in the New Testament. This is another break down of the functionality of the armor of God. We have to know that we are protected. Maybe taking lumps, but always getting back up, Christians are made for this fight. It is in our design to be warriors for Christ. If we are not, we are fighting for the other side. It’s one or the other. I fought on the other side for a great number of years. Twenty to be exact. Even when I started fighting for the kingdom it was one day for God and the other for the enemy of God, which made ME an enemy of God. He took me back every time though when I came crawling back with my tail between my legs. This type of life is extremely dangerous as we are more detrimental to the kingdom than someone who is just flat out living in sin. I thank Him for the mercy He gave me during this period of my life and for not squishing me like a bug. Even though I deserved it. Looking back, it was simply a lack of faith. One day’s faith didn’t follow into the next as each day presents us with new problems. Faith takes time and maturity to develop. It wasn’t until recently I learned we could pray and ask for more of it. I do now every day. For it is the shield that protects us from the attack of the enemy. And since I’m not playing with them anymore, but against them, they want to take me out.

“Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm.” Ephesians 6:13

It’s not Over Till it’s Over

-God help us we're in a state of warfare,

we keep your armor on cause the enemies out there.

-He knows what he's doing and you know what he's like,

even You have lost angels in this fight.

-Cause every choice we make means life or death,

let us all choose life with every breath.

-Not just for us, but for those that trust,

in what we do and after what we lust.

-Crave the knowledge that Christ revealed,

there’s no wound to deep for Him to heal.

-Your stronger than you think when you don't rely on yourself,

the armor manifests when you call on His help.

-The battlefield we fight on is in our minds,

and how we react to a world that’s blind.

-They can't see the bondage that they’re in,

everyday living we see as sin.

-So this song is for the soldier at my side,

in front, in back, keep the formation tight.

-Remember stick together keep your eye on the prize,

all praise God as the fiery arrows fly!

10

Feeling the fight in my own life and seeing brothers and sisters getting taken down on a regular basis inspired “It’s not Over Till it’s over”. Being in recovery for some years now is like being on the front line of a real war. Every day you can count on good news and bad. Celebrations of clean time followed by the news of an overdose. I take two new comers to a meeting only to find out two others didn’t come back. Through it I’ve found that hope out guns fear. How do I know you ask? The proof is that I’m still hear. And so many others that have found victory in Christ from their addictions. It’s not that bad things aren’t going to happen to us, but it’s that we draw our strength from God, not the world. Paul tells us to live like it’s a race and to keep our eye on the prize. The prize is not of this world, it comes after this world.

“They attack the righteous and condemn the innocent to death. But the Lord is my fortress; my God is a mighty rock where I can hide. God will make the sins of evil people fall back upon them. He will destroy them for their sins. The Lord our God will destroy them.” Psalm 94:21-23

Jesus Fill My Cup-I woke up this morning and spent some time with Jesus,

He promised me He would never leave us.

-The bible today is much better than a bottle,

when I take a swallow it never leaves me hallow.

-The kingdom of God is much better than a bar,

it doesn’t close at 2 and I can still drive my car.

-It’s getting a little smoky I’m on fire for Christ,

there’s no admission fee He paid the price.

-My best friend Jesus is sitting next to me,

His dad owns the kingdom, but we all have a key.

-He gives me a wink with a smile on His face,

just being in this place I’m filled with his grace.

-It took twelve steps, but now I’m here,

Bill W. has a private table in the rear.

-Children are welcome as a matter of fact,

it’s pleasing to God when they come back.

-You’ll sure be glad when your kids come back,

if my son ever leaves he’ll be welcome back!

11

My first full song, “Jesus Fill My Cup” was just reflecting on what was going on with me at the time. I had just accepted Jesus as Lord and savior and was enjoying some clean time. However, it was only temporary. I was on a spiritual high, but wasn’t doing any maintenance. There were things in my past I needed to deal with. Working the 12 steps through Celebrate Recovery has brought so much healing in my life. It would still be some time before I would enjoy complete sobriety though. Satan doesn’t want to let us go, so it is a daily fight. Once we finally truly surrender it is just a matter of time until those habits start to fall away. Making several references to drinking and bars, it was my first shot at song writing so I try to give myself a break about it. Leaving it just the way it was originally written gives me a good gauge as to how far I’ve come. But I still think it’s not too bad. The original concept of starting out your day with a shot of Jesus (praying and getting into the word) as opposed to something, anything else holds as true today as it did then.

“Jesus replied, “People soon become thirsty again after drinking this water. But the water I give them takes away thirst altogether. It becomes a perpetual spring within them, giving them eternal life.”” John 4:13-14

At a crossroads in my life, not knowing for sure if I should continue to work on this collection of poems and testimonies or look for full time employment, I was heading to the library when I ran into my friend Teresa. I told her that I was going to work on my poem project, but was praying about direction. Seconds after walking away from her I noticed a young lady waving at me. When I got within speaking distance of her, she said: “I still have that song.” Not being able to place where I knew her from at first, I must have had a puzzled look on my face because she told me her name and how she knew me. We had met at Sacred Heart Inpatient treatment center one year prior almost to the date. I shared with the whole group in the chapel one day the first song I had ever written: “Jesus Fill My Cup”. It must have made an impact on her because she sure remembered it. I hadn’t thought about that day or that I had given copies of the lyrics away for quite some time. God had us cross paths that day to let me know I was going in the right direction because I had made a difference in her life. I had planted a seed and that’s what we supposed to do.Thank you God.

“Jesus replied, “People soon become thirsty again after drinking this water. But the water I give them takes away thirst altogether. It becomes a perpetual spring within them, giving them eternal life.”” John 4:13-14

One Day at a Time-The next morning is a brand new day,

I need some more Jesus, this feeling won’t go away.

-Turning to my bible, then to my devotion,

praying over breakfast preparing for emotion.

-Thanking God for every day I awake,

thanking God for every breath that I take,

-Thanking God for every time I see my child,

thank you God, Thank you God.

-Alcohol now replaced by the spirit,

no more depression I hope you can hear it.

-But as the day progresses it will bring on stresses,

thank God for his protection and our biblical direction.

-Then I hear footsteps at my door, its Larry Gore,

giving me a ride up to the store.

-We head off to make our selection,

there’s only 3 items to put in the collection.

-Father, Son, and The Holy Spirit,

grab one cup and pour them all in it.

-Heading out to Central Nazarene, Friday nights,

best place to be Celebrate recovery.

-So we go in and pass the cup around,

there are a lot of thirsty people in this town.

-As they drink, the level never lowers,

hey what do you know we got a couple of holy rollers.

-And when the cup finally makes its way back to me, it’s still over flowing with Jesus the Holy.

12

Still referring to replacing the bottle and drugs with a relationship with God, “One Day at a Time” gives a pretty clear description of what I was doing at the time through a particular day. This was when I first started going to Celebrate Recover so, of course, they get a shout out. I love the way God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are mentioned with them being separate, but together at the same time. Thank you God for giving me the analogy of them all in the same cup. If you couldn’t tell, this is a verse from “Jesus Fill My Cup”. I did it acopella once in October of 2012 at Sacred Heart in Memphis, Michigan for the whole group. I was enjoying rehab for the first time (yes that is sarcasm) and was led to share it with the group. To my surprise, someone pulled me aside afterward and said she knew my sponsor Larry Gore. Also, one year later, I was getting on a bus back in Flint, Michigan when someone told that they were there and remember that song. She said she had a printed copy of it that I vaguely remember giving to a few people. I really need some encouragement that day and God showed up and showed out. Two great examples of God putting people together for our good and we have no idea at the time.

“So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill and control you.” Ephesians 5:13-18 NAS

The third verse of “Jesus Fill My Cup”, “Family Curse” talks of the life changing power given to us through having a personal relationship with Jesus. No matter what we get from our biological parents genetically, spiritually or learned, the power of living a life with Christ at the center overrides all of it. “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT. Sins of the past and present are washed away when we accept Him as savior. Addictions might not begin to fall away immediately, or maybe they will, but one thing is for certain: Jesus will not leave you in the shape He found you. He will put the pieces back together once we give them to Him. It really is up to us. Giving up things is not easy, but “when the pain of staying the same out ways the fear of change, we will let go”. A golden nugget I got from Narcotics Anonymous.

“Yes,” he told them, “I saw Satan falling from heaven as a flash of lightening! And I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you. But don’t rejoice just because evil spirits obey you; rejoice because your names are registered as citizens of heaven.” Luke 10:18-20

Family Curse?-This is how it works, no more family curse,

it’s amazing what happens when you put Jesus first.

-I can’t escape His shadow it’s following me,

every direction I go every breath that I breathe.

-To seek Christ daily is what I require,

to stay focused on him and not my desires.

-You tell me you’ve tried and it’s an impossible task,

it’s way too much for anybody to ask.

-You need to give it all to Him, your life of sin,

no matter what you’ve done you will be forgiven.

-Pray to God who is you higher power,

this will be you finest hour.

-Your life is about to change some good, some bad,

but when you get to the end trust me you’ll be glad.

-Because Satan and his lies are out to deceive us,

start every day with a BIG SHOT OF JESUS!

Celebrating My Recovery-These are the easiest words I’ve ever written,

13

“Celebrating My Recovery” is just that: a celebration of my recovery. Written when I really didn’t have much clean time, I was really pumped about the things happening in my life and the lives in those around me. It took courage to write something like this back then, but after all: God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called. What better way to claim victory over something than to, like the commercial says, “Just do it!” So that is what it is all about. Also, it is a reminder to me every time I read it of some of the things I’ve tried to put structure back in my life. College, work, relationships…….all failed miserably because without Christ at the center of any/all of them we are just operating out of our own understanding. Trust me that is not what an addict wants to do. I thank God every day for what I’ve been through. Because it made things like this possible.

“Genuine surrender says: Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s, please don’t take it away. This level of maturity does not come easy. In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he seat drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it is intense warfare against our self-centered nature.” Rick Warren” Purpose Driven life”

thanking God for this thing I’ve been freely given.

-I’m talking about a daily reprieve,

contingent on the maintenance of my spirituality.

-All I have is today, yesterday is gone,

tomorrows unwritten, that’s a whole new song.

-So let me look at today, what’s my plan,

either move forward or sink in life’s quicksand.

-Tried so many things to get back on track,

my addiction ate them up like it was a midnight snack.

-Tried going to college: my addiction ate it up

Tried going to work: my addiction ate it up

Tried relationships: my addiction ate them up

When you hit your bottom all you can do is look up.

-Not new at this, been at it for years,

foot in, foot out brought nothing but tears.

-It wasn’t until I completely surrendered,

and I need to tell you so I always remember.

-Where I was, and where I’m at now,

no more shame in my game, I’m standing loud and proud.

-Victory over our difficulties,

if you want what we got come on it’s free.

-No more simply surviving, it’s time to start living,

celebrate your recovery with every day you’ve been given.

Celebrate Your Recovery14

We talk about hurts, habits and hang ups at Celebrate Recovery. These are the things that have brought us to recovery. What we find “in” recovery is another word that also starts with the letter H: HOPE! While writing this I’ve been living the last ten months at a shelter called New Paths. In that time I’ve witnesses God provide all the men there with the opportunity to attend CR. That is a miracle all in itself, but the true miracle is what I see happen to these men once they go. Don’t know how many times I’ve heard the guys say to each other: “There’s just something different about that place.” They, like myself, brought in the weight of the world on their shoulders and walked out as light as a feather, feet barely touching the ground. It’s something in the air. It’s something you can’t see, but can definitely feel. It’s a reprieve from a life time of pain. What is it? Well, my friends that is the presence of God. Many have never felt it before. Not having worked a single step/ principle yet or learn a single scripture, they get something we are glad to share: Hope! “And hope does not disappoint.” Romans 5:5

“Perhaps…the most important thing is to keep on; not to be discouraged however often one yields to the temptation, but always to pick yourself up again and ask forgiveness.” C.S. Lewis

-Hurts, habits, and hang-ups are all the same,

they steal our joy and replace it with pain.

-Welcome to Celebrate Recovery,

whatever brought you here, we hope you don’t leave

-But if nothing changes, then nothing changes,

your life might need some rearrangement.

-When the pain, of staying the same,

out-ways the fear of change.

-You’ll be ready to walk this path,

leave the old there’s no going back.

-Breaking the bondage of slavery,

this is God’s specialty.

-The chains that held us in place,

were linked with lies broken by God’s grace.

-So step out of denial and crack a smile,

it might feel funny at first, it’s probably been awhile.

-Please stand up take a look around,

feel the energy and listen to the sound.

-Of our voices as hope rejoices,

celebrating recovery with today’s choices.

A Relationship-Woke up singing 10,000 reasons,

my daddy sent 10,000 warrior angles to fight for me in every season.

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Is ten thousand excessive? I don’t know, but I pray for God to send that many every day. One probably is enough, however, I know He will go to great lengths to protect us. (Psalm 139) God sent His son to save us from our own sin. But, we must confess, both, our sin and that Jesus is our savior. This is our eternal salvation. In “A Relationship” I talk about freedom from bondage here on earth. My addiction kept me in bondage for 20 years. And it’s taken a number of years, even as a Christian, for complete release. Everybody is different. So God treats us as such. Romans 12:2 talks of renewing your mind. My mind was pretty messed up, so it is my conclusion that it has taken me that long to get it straighten out. And during that time (God doesn’t waste a second) the relationship with my creator grew. I discovered one simple truth: Either God is everything to me, or He is nothing to me!

“I don’t want your sacrifices- I want your love; I don’t want your offerings- I want you to know me.” Hosea 6:6

-Little did I know I was my own worst foe,

and I have to die to flesh every day to save my soul.

-Once saved always saved, a lie straight from the pit,

my daddy desires a relationship.

-With His son He sent for me,

2000 years ago to set me free.

-And every tear I shed he holds in His hand,

to be used for His glory, leading others to the lamb.

-Now, as my shackles fall and hit the ground,

I break for the gate enemy soldiers all around.

-They can’t touch me, I’m under the blood,

fear disappears as I feel Daddies love.

-Free from bondage as I walk through the wilderness,

it’s different than I imagined with all its un-familiarness.

-My old captivity had a certain comfort ability,

should I go back, this is getting a little scary.

-NO! I hear a thunderous roar,

the great “I AM” shall restore.

-But….you must walk this out,

trusting in ME, turning over your doubts.

-And there’s nothing you can do to earn this,

I simply desire a relationship.

It is Finished!

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The thought of someone dying for me is almost unimaginable. Who am I? Am I that important? Especially after all the pain I’ve caused everybody around me for so many years. My life had become run by self-will and self-centeredness, which ironically, almost killed me several times. So when I had finally had enough pain, shame and guilt I came back to my Father’s house. Like the prodigal son, expecting to have to work my way back into favor, I was shocked when my Father told me all is forgiven. He had sent Jesus to die for me 2000 years go and all I had to do was believe, accept and confess. Thank you Jesus. Now, let me tell the world what you have done for me. It is such a small repayment. Yet, it is all you’ve asked in return.

“The Roman officer and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, “Truly, this was the Son of God.”” Matthew 27:54

-Lord you reach the unreachable and teach the un-teachable,

salvation is free and to this world that is unthinkable.

-You go against our culture in everything that you say,

we must relearn how to live by becoming a blank slate.

-My tears hit the paper as You write these words,

I must tell my story for my purpose to be served.

-You saved me from the sickness of the world for something greater,

didn't want to let it go at first, but thank you for the favor.

-I had to make that decision to let You in,

and every day thereafter to die to sin.

-And pick up my cross and carry it,

for this journey there will be no chariots.

-My sin must be nailed on that cross,

can't crucify myself, without Your help I'm lost.

-Then You went and did it ALL for me,

and all I had to do was speak.

-Admitting my sins, then asking for forgiveness,

the last thing I heard You say on that day was IT IS FINISHED!

How Many Times Have You Saved My Life?

-How many times have you saved me from death,

I had no idea that could have been my last breath.

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Mid-April 2013 I almost stepped in

front of a truck moving at least 45 mph. How many times was I one step away from death? How many times was I one drink of alcohol or one hit of crack from overdosing? These are the questions I ask myself. When I see an ambulance going down the road at high speed with the lights and sirens blaring I often pray for the ones inside. However, there usually is another thought that enters my mind. I remember the many times “I” was the passenger in the ambulance. Also, all the times I should have been, but somehow escaped injury. Don’t know if I believe in a single guardian angel assigned to a person, but I do believe God is watching over us even when we are running from Him. God loves us right where we’re at. He might not love the things that we do, but He still loves us. I ran from that love for so many years and because of my running I was a tornado in countless people’s lives. Why did I run? It was nothing but fear. I learned as a child to be afraid and I never grew out of it. It actually grew with me. The only thing that could neutralize my fear was faith. In exchange for my fear I came to believe in God’s faithfulness.

“The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!”” Lamentations 3:22-23

-But I just continued in my selfish ways,

running from you and your plans for better days.

-Countless times chalking it all up to luck,

no fear of you except being afraid of Your love,

-Afraid of love, how could that be?

but when you are not used to something it can be really scary.

-So I reach for my running shoes, there never very far,

never even gave you a chance to touch my heart.

-The ways that I used to run from you,

should’ve been my end, but I had no clue.

-You were already there waiting for me to turn,

you were already there waiting for me to finally learn.

-My purpose is not to run from the pain,

but to walk through it and praise Your great name!

Hey Dad, What Do Bees Eat?

-Sitting at the kitchen table deep in my thoughts,

just got a phone call from a friend that lost.

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As I stood up in church getting ready to tell the congregation what God said to me that morning some months before, I had an uncomfortable feeling that what happened might have been God telling me I didn’t do the right thing. Regardless, I needed to share this. I had never experienced, at this point in my walk with Christ, that type of communication with God. He spoke through my son, His word, and the devotion I was about to read in response to my tear filled prayers that morning. To this day I am still processing what happened, but one this is for certain: He cared enough about me to give me the comfort I needed at that very moment. My true anguish wasn’t with my conduct, it was with God’s. How could He let this happen? It was one of those faith shaking situations that made me question even His existence. He knew what danger lay ahead if those thoughts continued, so in an instance He let me know: I GOT THIS!

“Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.” Psalm 143:1

-His girl in a car accident last night,

his world tuned dark no sign of light.

-This is the same kitchen table the three of us sat,

three weeks prior to her accident.

-I told them Jesus had changed my life,

but we were drinking, so how bright was my light?

-Now I’m sitting at this table by myself,

crying out to God is she in heaven or hell.

-As I wipe the tears from my eyes,

I open my bible with a devotion beside.

-My five year old son is in the other room,

asks me a question I would understand soon.

-“Hey dad, what do bees eat?”

I don’t understand son could you please repeat.

-When he did twice more, I said, “I think they eat Honey”,

turning back to my devotion thinking that was kind of funny.

-I had already read from John chapter 4,

Jesus told a woman something she never heard before.

-He said, “Drink from the well and the well is me,

now go tell the others of what I speak.”

-What happened next took me to my knees,

I open my devotion and it was about African Honey bees.

-And how they lead each other to the flower,

Lord we lead one another to your power.

-God you spoke through my son in a time of need,

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Let me pass it on so your speaking through me.

Point of Rebellion-Started drinking and drugging as a teenager,

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Retracing my steps in “Point of Rebellion” was a key to unlocking many of the “whys” in my addiction. I talk about fear quiet often in my writings because it played such a huge role in my addiction. Here I talk about what I thought the solution to my fear was. Like many of the lies Satan uses to entrap us in toxic behavior, alcohol, then crack, numbed me, but left me hopeless and terrified. The beauty in that is it took me to a place that only God could rescue me from. Although, it took some years for me to completely surrender all areas of my life. I kept asking God to take the desire of using from me, but I wanted to hold onto sexual lust that probably led to me using in the first place. God doesn’t want just part of you. He wants all of you. Most of us with a little recovery will sound grateful at times for our addictions. I know I am. This may seem strange to the outside world, but if not for my addiction to drugs and alcohol I may have been just a luke-warm Christian, at best, or possibly not a Christian at all. There is no room for that in my recovery. Either you’re all in, or all out.

“There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end leads to death.”

Proverbs 14:12

didn’t listen to my mom saying “danger, danger!”.

-Back then I was so young and naive,

I was in the garden of Eden looking for something to eat.

-Then a snake came up and handed me a bottle,

all my fear would disappear if I just took a swallow.

-The stuff I started doing I just didn’t understand,

I really believed this was the way to become a man.

-My passage into maturity,

first time I got arrested, “hey look at me.”

-The next 20 years were filled with nothing but trouble,

I just couldn’t seem to put down the bottle.

-Started praying to God to take this obsession,

thinking sobriety was just about confession.

-Got hooked on the 12 steps and made some friends,

hoping this would bring the drinking to an end.

-Not knowing that no one could do it for me,

it has to be MY CHOICE if I want recovery.

-The point of rebellion, had to be traced,

thank you Lord for all your grace.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

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2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn or will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

4. Mad a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Mad a list of all persons we had harmed and became will to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them

or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we

understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to

alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. AA is a program of recover from alcoholism-use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after AA, but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.

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Power to Change-Step 1, admit we were powerless,

over our addictions and how they made our lives a mess.

-This is the only step that takes our 100%,

before we move on and get our lives unbent.

-Step 2, we came to believe,

a power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity.

-Simply put, I can’t do this myself,

there’s got to be a heaven because I’ve been living in hell.

-Step 3, its time for action,

and stop looking to those things for satisfaction.

-So we made a decision to turn our lives and will,

over to God even if we only understand Him a little.

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I’m sitting here thinking about what to write about the steps. There are so many things to say. Of course I want to make full acknowledgment to the source of modern day recover. It started with one alcoholic helping another. The steps where born, and millions of recoveries latter here I stand. It’s funny I heard a guy say in an AA meeting a long time ago that someone wrote a book about him back in the 1930’s and 40’s. Thinking that maybe he was exaggerating I didn’t think much of it at the time. However, when I really started reading the book of Alcoholics Anonymous I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was about me too. Down to the detail. The first three steps are simply admission that there is a problem, there is a solution, and what we have to do obtain the solution. I thank God every day for the 12 Steps. Even though my first exposure, like many of us, was court ordered, I continue to point people to the steps that saved my life.

“Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to its lustful desires. Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness, to be used for sinning.” Romans 6:12-13

Healing-Step 4, we made a moral inventory,

putting pen to paper we tell our story.

-Do this step with your sponsor, don’t do it alone,

we’re children at first and need help from the grown.

-Step 5, healing is about to take place,

as we continue this journey into God’s grace.

-Admit to God, ourselves, and another,

the exact nature of our wrongs that we liked to keep under cover.

-Step 6, we are ready to have God remove,

the character defects setting us up to loose.

-Step 7, we humbly ask,

Him to remove our short comings that stem from our past.

-Now if you made it this far, good job, good work,

let’s start thinking about the people that we’ve hurt.

-Step 8, make a list of them,

and became willing to make amends.

-The next step is when we actually do it,

we might have been sorry, but this is how we prove it.

-Step 9, make amends whenever possible,

unless hurting someone or ourselves was probable.

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Steps 4 through 9 are the “cleaning out the closet” steps. When we first come into recovery we have so much weighing us down that it’s difficult to see life getting any better even without the addiction. We tend to do a lot of damage in our addiction and these steps are means of damage control. However, step 4 has to do with what has been done to us as well. Until we unload this baggage, we won’t be able to move forward with our lives. I remember doing my 5th step with my pastor (both times). There was stuff I wrote in my 4th step I didn’t want anyone to know about. Not even my sponsor. I trusted my pastor and that is important for doing a 5th step. I figure he’s heard it all. Even after doing this, however, I continued to drink/drug. Then someone pulled me aside after an AA meeting and told me that I still had character defects I wasn’t letting go of. He didn’t know me from Adam. But, he was right! I blew through steps 6 & 7 and went right into making amends. My character defects are what ignited my addiction in the first place. Thank you God for these steps and the people You have brought into my life to help me with them.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.” James 5:16

Staying In the Light-Continued personal inventory in step 10,

admit our wrongs right away and this isn’t the end.

-At the end of each day, we sit down and pray,

asking God to show us how we may have gone astray.

-Step 11, through meditation and prayer,

take our conscious contact with God to a deeper layer.

-Focus on Him, not the past,

God’s in control, free at last.

-Step 12, having had a spiritual awakening,

as a result of these steps this message we’re taking.

-To others….. along the way,

and practice these principles every single day.

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Recovery is a beautiful thing. Once you’ve unloaded the baggage of the past you can start to live, as opposed to just surviving. To wake up each morning with a clean conscience about what you did the day before is priceless. When you get a taste of the way God wants you to live you want more. Even better, you want to share it with others. Steps 10, 11 and 12 are all about that. Keeping it and giving it away. When you work with others in recovery, you get to learn a very simple, but backwards sounding truth: If you want to learn something, teach it. I have learned so much about myself when I talk to others about recovery. Because the best way to relate to someone is to tell them about yourself. That is step twelve. My favorite step out of them all is eleven. I love to spend time with God. It seemed like such a chore at first because it was foreign to me. But, like I said about recovery, once you get a taste of it you want it all the time. Have I mentioned that that is a beautiful thing?

“The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25-26

Home Run -The crowds excited, there in a good mood,

Everybody came for some spiritual food.

-The band plays on, giving God praise,

some hands are clapping some hands are raised.

-He tries to join in but his fingers are shaking,

has a smile on his face, but he knows he’s faking.

-He’s used to bigger; this crowds a little small,

but this is celebrate recovery and not a game of baseball.

-1,2,3, he’s counting the songs,

celebrations are next it won’t be long.

-His mouth is getting dry, palms wet with sweat,

did they call his name, no not yet.

-Thoughts are racing, why would anyone listen,

to someone who threw away everything he was given.

-Fear creeping in, but how could this be,

the word promises we will stand in victory.

-Then a silent prayer to the one above,

focusing on the Christ he can feel the love.

-He hears a whisper: Look what I’ve done for you,

give me this, and I’ll carry it too.

-They call his name; he steps to the microphone,

and realizes he’ll never again be alone.

Legacy

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After doing a Christian recovery rap (how odd I would be doing one of those, ha!) at a Celebrate Recovery my friend Mary S. approached me and asked if I could do some music in support of a movie coming out in the next year called “Home Run”. She thought maybe I could talk about the movie before or after I performed a song. Wanting to support any movie about recovery, I went home and prayed about it. I was wanting to write a song about the importance of our testimonies when this transpired, then decide that maybe I could write a song about both the movie and our testimonies. Weeks into working on the song we got news that the producers of Home Run where having a song contest. Praise God!! My song was going in the movie I was sure of it, and I could really use the prize money too. Well that’s not what happened, but what did happen is a great testimony about a song about a testimony. Confused? Let me explain. Just letting the Holy Spirit guide me with the words, I was blown away when I saw the trailer for the movie. Remember the movie was still in production while the song was being written. I had no idea what the movie was about other than a baseball player in recovery. It was one of those God moments that brought me to tears when I saw that first trailer. The words went with the movie! What an awesome God we serve!

“We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of OUR testimony. Everyone overcome!” Overcome, John Eagan/Desperation Band

Laying in my bed at Sacred Heart Inpatient Rehab I was thinking about my life. A Christian in addiction is not the life I thought I would lead. When I gave my life to back to Christ, all the bad habits were supposed to go away. Right? I did that when I was 36 and now at 40 I’m still struggling with some of the same behaviors. Was this to be my legacy? A guy that just couldn’t get it together. A guy that was super when sober, then a monster when drunk. After hearing Nicole Nordman’s “Legacy”, I really wanted to write a poem about mine. Her song was full of questions we ask, or should ask ourselves before crossing over into the next world. However, I was uncomfortable working on it because I just couldn’t stay clean. I was riddled with fear when I thought about the way people would remember me. Then it dawned on me that maybe writing it and asking myself such questions might help me stay clean. And it did.

“The simple question is: What are you depositing into people’s lives that they will remember once you’re gone.” Pastor Brian Lidbeck

-This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write,

how does a person summarize his life.

-All these questions running through my head,

need answers before I hit my death bed.

-What will they say about me when I’m gone,

what was the message in my songs.

-Did I just stare at people when they fell down,

or help them up and tell them that’s the way I was found.

-What was my motive for showing affection,

did I love like Jesus, or for my own satisfaction.

-Not looking at my life, before I knew Christ,

those aren’t the kinds of songs I choose to write.

-Did I take all the credit when someone told me good job,

or did I point to you and simply say thank God.

-Did I seek inspiration and try to avoid temptation,

what was the spirit in my revelation?

-Could people see Christ in me outside of the church,

did my walk match my talk when I went to work.

-Was the world a better place while I was in it,

and did I glorify God no matter what place I finished.

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My son, Anthony, was 10 when I wrote this for him. It was difficult for me to do because of my past mistakes with drugs and alcohol. The thoughts of me coming off being a hypocrite entered my mind every time I even entertained the idea of doing something like this. Seeing that for what it was, a lie straight from hell, I went ahead and wrote it anyway. I so hope he enjoys it. To this day I am torn with thoughts about how I could have done things different/better as a father. The dilemma is: If not for my addiction, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. But, my addiction caused me to “not be there” for my son a lot of the time. That may have been God’s plan all along who knows because the time we have together today we cherish. All I know is that I love my son so very much and I can’t see anything coming in between that love. No matter how stupid either one of us act, he will always be my son. It is just a glimpse of what I’m sure God feels for us.

Step 9; “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except to do so would injure them or others.” 12 steps of AA

A Message For My Son-To my son Anthony this is for you,

there are different roads to follow its up to you to choose.

-You memorized the Ten Commandments when I took you to church,

tears filled my eyes watching God at work.

-Life is short, so take it slow,

sit back enjoy the ride Gods in control.

-Look to Him in everything you do,

He sent HIS son to die for you.

-There’s no better time to tell you this,

your old enough now to know I’m not perfect.

-I hope you can learn from some of my mistakes,

and the prayers that we prayed together hold some weight.

-Ask yourself at the end of each day,

did I listen to what others had to say.

-Did you treat people the way you wanted to be treated?

despite the fear of rejection and being defeated.

-I know a little, but God knows all,

whatever the situation let Him make the call.

-You were made to give Him praise,

and in return, He shows us a better way.

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I Accept-October 22 was my date of birth,

the day Christ stepped in and had a few words.

-At the altar I was seen, down on my knees,

crying help, help me, please Lord, please.

-I gave it all to him, a life of sin,

20 years back slid, where do I begin.

-The drinking and the drugs had taken their toll,

hands shaking like an earthquake out of control.

-Self justified as a good person lies,

to himself and everyone else on his side.

-But the truth was there, the seed was sown,

20 years prior but was left alone.

-It needed my tears to sprout and grow,

it needed me to say no Satan no.

-It needed me to take that first step,

it needed me to say Christ I accept.

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What were the words that Christ said when I gave my life back to Him that day? Not sure exactly, but they had to be something like: “Hands off, this one is now MINE!” Because there were so many times, even after that day I truly rebelled against what God had in store for me. It was all part of the process of me being cleaned up to be a more effective soldier in His army. I hear people talking often about proof of salvation. “I don’t see the fruit” or “nothing has changed with them”. The change that happens is on the inside. For me it was a change in the taste of music I listen to that was nothing less than supernatural. Not the genre, but the quality. All the swearing and negativity suddenly was offensive to me. God knew what I needed taken out of my life, but it was my choice at that point to follow the Holy Spirit now living inside me. It may take a while for some people to SEE a change in us because we have so much stuff we need cleaned out. Paul wrote in Romans 12:2:”Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” In some people the reprograming takes time. It did with me.

“For God so loved the world that He gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall have everlasting life” John 3:16

This

This was a rap/poem I wrote for the

song “Awesome God”. Surprisingly, it wasn’t easy to write. I kept wanting to inject various things in it that complicated the message. (That’s why I always try to write with a pencil.) I just wanted a plain, simple praise song talking about God’s greatness. In it I mention the lifting of hands. Seeing people do this in our Assemblies of God church has always fascinated me during praise and worship. Why do people (including me, which took a minute) raise their hands? The best explanation I’ve heard is that we are turning His blessings back into praises. So I put that into the song. I hope that helps anyone out there that might be wondering the same thing. Also, this is a poem/rap that I keep on the front burner in my mind. When some “stinkin thinkin” starts up, usually in the form of lack of gratitude, I recite this a couple of times. Nothing does the job of getting negative thoughts out of my head than just meditating on how great God is. Yes, He’s an AWESOME GOD!

“Our God is an Awesome God. He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power and love, our God is an Awesome God!” Rick Mullins (1989)

Awesome God-You made me, You saved me, You lifted me up,

when I was running on empty you over filled my cup.

-I can’t express in words the gratitude,

so I will praise you today with my attitude.

-I’m blessed beyond the curse for you promise has endured,

Your leading the way for this life tour.

-You answer my prayers in your perfect timing,

in the mist of the night I can see the light shining.

-Ways in, ways out are never hidden,

the keys to the kingdom are freely given.

-I lift my hands turning Your blessings to praise,

taking credit for nothing that You do this day.

-You give me the courage to face my fear,

even when I can’t feel You I know Your near.

-Your love never rests, Your always on the job,

let the redeemed sing You’re an AWSOME GOD!

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Fear (False Evidence Appearing Real)

-T was the winter of my dis content,

a messenger of Satan from hell was sent.

-I was never good enough no matter what I did,

and this stuff usually hits us when we’re kids.

-Scared to try anything new,

I carried a fear inside me as I grew.

-It grew along with me and became a stronghold,

from child to adult it took on a new role.

-This fear grows inside everyone different,

often affected by our environment or manmade conditions.

-Evil, let’s just call it what it is,

not from God, but it affects His kids.

-Let us fan the flames of the gifts of God,

no time for fear as the work goes on.

-I was scared to trust at first in Jesus,

let down early in life by ones meant to lead us.

-But once I took Him as a savior,

he gave me the weapons to change my behavior.

- Let us not be afraid to shout victory,

Jesus overcame the grave for you and for me.

Spaces Between Us31

The bible tells us not to worry because it is detrimental to our walk with Christ. “Do not fear” is in the bible 365 times. One for each day of the year. Below are three key verses I like to keep in mind when I can’t seem to shake the worries of the world. I like the definition of courage that says: Courage is not the lack of fear, it is going ahead in spite of it. This poem talks about me growing up with fear. I think the primary reason I started to drink and use drugs was to mask that fear. Thus, I never dealt with it until I got clean. The stronger my faith grew the weaker my fear became. A friend of mine told me once that we all have two dogs living inside of us. We need to feed the good dog and starve the bad one. Adam and Eve’s response to that first sin was to run and hide from God: fear. It is a result of the fall and will always be with us. However, a relationship with Christ gives us the faith to live with it and make the right decisions.

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me…..declares the Lord!” Isaiah 54:17

“Then turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “So I tell you, don’t worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. For life consists of far more than food and clothing.” Luke 12:22-23

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with thanksgiving, present your prayers and petitions to the Lord.” Philippians 4:6

We talk about forgiveness in recovery a lot. The book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentment is the number one cause of relapse. It is extremely important to forgive those that have wronged us. When we make an amends list guess who should be at the top of the list: God! When our lives spin out of control in our addictions we are quick to pray for help. He hears us and is helping, but very seldom is it what we are asking Him for. Instant resentment. Even if we don’t want to admit it. We don’t want the space between us and God filled with animosity. The number two person we need to forgive is ourselves. If we don’t do that we carry guilt around and continue to make poor choices due to it. Finally, after we forgive God and ourselves, we are in position to forgive others. I often tell people that for me to stay clean I have to forgive! It is a matter of life or death for me. I believe that is why Jesus said what he did in Matthew 6:14-15. It is that important!

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, you Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15

-Space….the final frontier,

all you Star Trek fans that should tickle your ear.

-That’s not the kind of space that I’m talking about,

it’s the space between people is it with or without.

-Love, the number one song topic,

so many people think they have it, but they haven’t got it.

-LOVE is an action, not a feeling,

how do you treat others, before what God are you kneeling.

-Put nothing before El Shaddai (all powerful; mighty one of resource)

the great I AM, our eye in the sky.

-When this takes place, there is no space,

in your life you won’t see His face.

-Now think about the people in your life,

the ones you do, and the ones you don’t like.

-What did they do to you that was so bad,

or maybe another that made you mad.

-Unforgiveness will create a sickness,

in your mind and it’s all so senseless.

-Hurt people, hurt people breeding sin,

try forgiving that person and watch the healing begin.

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