seminar 2 the emotional divorce process. chapter 4, emotions involved in divorce, step-by- step...
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SEMINAR 2
The Emotional Divorce Process
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Chapter 4, Emotions Involved in Divorce, Step-by-Step Manual
Emotions Likened to a temporary mental
illness Usually diminishes in mediation What is the psychology of the
marriage breakdown?
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The Emotional Divorce Process No research indicates how long it takes
for a marriage to break down After a “period of discontent” One spouse first contemplates it That spouse makes a private decision So even the negative intimacies are
gone Distancing behaviors Moving away emotionally Moving away psychologically No engaging arguments, no fights Initiates mediation/divorce
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This spouse’s behavior may be a relief to the other spouse
Misinterpretation
Denial
Then shock, anger, fear, or continued denial
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The spouse who initiates the divorce process impacts mediation tremendously.
They may not be emotionally ready, certainly not on the same page
Even when they both say they want a divorce quickly
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“Clients are emotionally ready to begin mediation when they have spent time with a counselor, are physically separated and have had time for each to adjust to the idea of divorce.”
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The Relationship Circle
“When clients understand this process, often they change their behavior and begin to cooperate with each other because they see that they have the same goal: to establish a more businesslike relationship with written agreements about their conduct in the future.”
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The Relationship Circle Brings them to a certain reality Produces a sense of relief Allows them to feel able to go on Defines what they are doing, going
through Ends a sense of isolation
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PHASE 1: FRIENDSHIP Courtesy Fun Compatibility Respect Casual Positive Enjoyable Inclusive Meaningful Committed Long-term
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PHASE 2: POSITIVE INTIMACIES
New chores New roles New expectations Unique sharings Private understandings Confidings Resolved conflicts Forgivenesses
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PHASE 3: NEGATIVE INTIMACIES
Criticisms Putdowns Name calling Power struggles Cheapshots Abusive anger
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Reasons Major breach of trust, e.g., physical abuse,
affair Arguments that escalated into fights, not
resolved, not forgiven Overburdened relationship Stress Disorders Addiction Financial problems Medical crisis No conscious effort to ensure positive
intimacies dominate
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PHASE 4: BUSINESSLIKE RELATIONSHIP
Developed with the mediator Work toward feeling emotionally safe Can re-enter the family circle of children,
friends in common, extended family Avoids re-hashing the past Minimizes a custody investigation Instead of digging into poor parenting of
the past, develop a plan for future parenting
Permits parents to grieve, what they lost, what they hoped for but never had, what they won’t have with each other
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Grieving
“the deepest loss is the loss of a dream”
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FACILITATIVE MEDIATION Mediator structures a process toward
resolution by assisting parties Mediator is a 3rd party that lacks the
authority to impose a solution Assumes that the parties are intelligent,
capable of understanding their situations better than the mediator and lawyer
Based on two guiding principles; Self-determination of the parties in
resolving their disputes Neutral 3rd party facilitator Thus, parties can create better solutions
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Facilitative vs. Evaluative Mediation
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How to Facilitate Asks questions Validates, normalizes each point of view Searches for underlying interests Finds and analyzes options Does not recommend Does not advise Does not give opinions Attempts to avoid the influence of the
attorneys Mediator not necessarily familiar with
legal substance
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“The mediator is in charge of the process, while the parties are in charge of the outcome.”
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EVALUATIVE MEDIATION
Modeled on settlement conferences held by judges Points out weaknesses of a case from a legal
standpoint Concerned with legal rights of the parties more
than needs, interests Often meet separately, “shuttle diplomacy” Weigh costs vs. benefits of legal settlement vs.
mediation Attorney may meet alone with mediators, but
most are attorneys
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How to Evaluate
Finding facts Properly weighing evidence Judging credibility Allocating burden of proof Determining and applying relevant
law,rules or customs Rendering an opinion
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End Result
Mediator influences the outcome Can compromise a mediator’s
neutrality in the eyes of the parties Promotes positioning and
polarization, which is antithetical to the goals of mediation
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Sources:
“Styles of Mediation: Facilitative, Evaluative and Transformative Mediation” by Zena D. Zumeta www.learn2mediate.com
“Facilitative Mediation: The Classic Approach Retains its Appeal” by Carole J. Brown, December 2002, www.mediate.com
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The Continuing Story of Angela and David
In this week's Seminar, we return to our fictitious couple, David and Angela, who met as high school seniors and dated for three years prior to their marriage. The couple is now in their seventh year of marriage. There are increasing problems over money. David, who was more outgoing in the earlier days of the relationship, has become more distant during the past year. Angela suspects that David is having an affair, and often raises this issue. David denies that he is having an affair.
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David & Angela (cont.)
The couple has decided to divorce and has come to you for family mediation. David and Angela have two children, Benjamin (age two) and Connie (age four). David is a Certified Public Accountant. He works many extra hours during the spring each year. Angela is also an accountant but is not a CPA. Angela hates accounting and would prefer to be writing screenplays. She has worked outside the home, in an accounting job, on a part-time basis since the birth of Connie. David believes that Angela does not work hard enough at her job. Angela believes that David is not ambitious enough to move ahead at work.
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Angela & David (cont.)
What mutual concerns do David and Angela have? What are their individual concerns?
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Angela & David (cont.)
How would you, as a mediator, begin to facilitate avenues of communication between Angela and David?
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Angela & David (cont.)
What problems currently impede a divorce settlement between David and Angela?
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Angela & David (cont.)
What problems must be resolved in order to promote cooperative parenting for their children?