© 2007 by nelson, a division of thomson canada limited. ch. 4-1 chapter 4 revising and proofreading...
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© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-1
Chapter 4Chapter 4Chapter 4Chapter 4
Revising and Proofreading Business Messages
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-2
Revising and ProofreadingRevising and Proofreading
Revising: Improving content and sentence structure.
May involve adding, cutting, recasting.
Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-3
Concise WordingConcise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.
Instead of this:We are of the opinion that
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Try this:We think
Please
Also
Now
Although
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-4
Wordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional Phrases
Instead of this:We don’t as a general rule cash personal cheques.
Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a monthly basis.
Try this:We don’t generally cash personal cheques.
Students seldom receive parking tickets.
She calls monthly meetings.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-5
Long Lead-InsLong Lead-Ins
Instead of this:
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
meet today.
I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.
Try this:All employees meet today.
Thanks to everyone who voted.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-6
Outdated ExpressionsOutdated Expressions
Outdated:
as per your request
thanking you in advance
attached hereunto
under separate cover
Modern:
at your request
thank you
attached
separately
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-7
Needless AdverbsNeedless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, omit adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth.
Instead of this:The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.
Try this:The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-8
FillersFillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this:There are two employees who should be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.
Try this:Two employees should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were singled out.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-9
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. This e-mail message is to inform you that in all
probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
We will probably finish in two weeks.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-10
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. There are many brokers who are quite certain
that these stocks are completely safe. Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-11
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. Pursuant to your request, there are two
contracts that are attached hereto.
As you requested, two contracts are attached.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-12
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. All employees are hereby informed that as a
general rule computers may not be used for personal activities. Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-13
Redundant WordsRedundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
thought and consideration
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-14
JargonJargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon:queue
export
bandwidth
Alternative language:list of documents waiting to
be printedtransfer data from one
program to anotherInternet capacity
Is jargon ever permissible?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-15
SlangSlang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-16
ClichésClichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions) by substituting more precise words.
Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.
We had reached the end of our rope.
Finally, you should work diligently.
We could go no farther.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-17
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. Last but not least, the accountant referred back
to an exactly identical case.
Finally, the accountant referred to an identical case.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-18
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. With a little advance warning, we could have
sold out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-19
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip,
demanded final completion by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-20
Precise VerbsPrecise Verbs
Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
Market researchers promised improved profits.
Market researchers predicted improved profits.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-21
Precise VerbsPrecise Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.
An application must be made by the job seeker.The job seeker must apply.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-22
Precise VerbsPrecise Verbs
TIP:
Look for words ending in tion or ment.
Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-23
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence using more precise verbs. The seller said she would contact you.
The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-24
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. We must give encouragement to our team.
We must encourage our team.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-25
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. Have you made an application for employment?
Have you applied for employment?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-26
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. A duty of the general manager is the calculation
of monthly sales.
The general manager calculates monthly sales.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-27
Try Your SkillTry Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. The establishment of new methods was effected
by Kevin.
Kevin established new methods.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-28
Concrete NounsConcrete Nouns
Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
The man asked for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.
An employee presented a proposal.
Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-29
Vivid AdjectivesVivid Adjectives
Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.
The report was good.
The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).
The report was bad.
(Possible revisions?)
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-30
What to Watch for in Proofreading
What to Watch for in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
Consistency
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-31
How to Proofread Complex Documents
How to Proofread Complex Documents
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced, and set it aside.
Allow adequate time. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-32
How to Proofread Complex Documents
How to Proofread Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect: Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout. Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-33
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