ch6 revising, proofreading, and evaluating

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C6-1

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Chapter 6Chapter 6

REVISING,REVISING,PROOFREADING,PROOFREADING,AND EVALUATINGAND EVALUATING

Business Communication: Process and Product, Mary Ellen Guffey, South-Western.

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Revising for clarity, Revising for clarity, conciseness, and readabilityconciseness, and readability

Keep it simple.Keep it simple. Keep it conversational.Keep it conversational. Remove opening fillers.Remove opening fillers. Eliminate redundancies.Eliminate redundancies. Reduce compound prepositions.Reduce compound prepositions. Purge empty words.Purge empty words. Kick the noun habit.Kick the noun habit. Dump trite “business” phrases.Dump trite “business” phrases. Develop parallelism (balanced construction).Develop parallelism (balanced construction). Apply graphic highlighting.Apply graphic highlighting. Measure readability.Measure readability.

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Keep it simple.Keep it simple.

Avoid indirect, pompous language.Avoid indirect, pompous language. Poor:Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you It would not be inadvisable for you

to affix your signature at this point to affix your signature at this point in time.in time.

Improved: Improved: You may sign now.You may sign now.

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Keep it conversational.Keep it conversational. Formal: Formal: Our Accounting Department takes Our Accounting Department takes

this opportunity to inform you that this opportunity to inform you that we have credited your account for we have credited your account for the aforementioned sum.the aforementioned sum.

Conversational:Conversational: We're happy to credit your account We're happy to credit your account

for $100.for $100.

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Remove opening fillers.Remove opening fillers. Wordy:Wordy: There are four new menu items There are four new menu items

we must promote.we must promote. Improved: Improved: We must promote four new menu We must promote four new menu

items.items.

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Eliminate redundancies.Eliminate redundancies. collect togethercollect together contributing factorcontributing factor personal opinionpersonal opinion perfectly clearperfectly clear

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Reduce compound Reduce compound prepositions.prepositions.

at such time, at which timeat such time, at which time whenwhen

due to the fact that, inasmuch asdue to the fact that, inasmuch asbecausebecause

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Purge empty words.Purge empty words. As for the field of athletic shoes, As for the field of athletic shoes,

the degree of profits sagged. the degree of profits sagged.

This is to inform you that we have This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.a toll-free service line.

Not all students who are registered Not all students who are registered will attend.will attend.

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Purge empty words.Purge empty words. As for the field of athletic shoes, the As for the field of athletic shoes, the

degree of profits sagged. degree of profits sagged.

This is to inform you that we have a This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.toll-free service line.

Not all students who are registered Not all students who are registered will attend. will attend. registered

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Kick the noun habit.Kick the noun habit. Wordy:Wordy: We must conduct an investigation We must conduct an investigation

of all parking violations before we of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.can give consideration to your fine.

Improved: Improved: We must investigate all parking We must investigate all parking

violations before we can consider violations before we can consider your fine.your fine.

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Dump trite "business" Dump trite "business" phrases.phrases. Wordy:Wordy: Pursuant to your request, enclosed Pursuant to your request, enclosed

please find a job application.please find a job application. Improved: Improved: As requested, we have enclosed a job As requested, we have enclosed a job

application.application.

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Develop parallelismDevelop parallelism(balanced construction).(balanced construction).

Not parallel:Not parallel: We can collect information, store We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.it, and later it can be updated.

Parallel:Parallel: We can collect, store, and update We can collect, store, and update information.information.

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Apply graphic highlighting.Apply graphic highlighting.

Letters, such as Letters, such as ((aa) ) and and ((bb) ) within the within the text.text.

Numerals, like Numerals, like 11, , 22, and, and 3 3, listed , listed vertically.vertically.

Bullets Bullets Headings and print optionsHeadings and print options

– CAPITAL LETTERSCAPITAL LETTERS– underscoresunderscores– boldfaceboldface– italicsitalics

– font font sizesize

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How many kinds of graphic How many kinds of graphic highlighting do you see in highlighting do you see in this presentation? this presentation?

How do they improve How do they improve readability?readability?

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Measure readability.Measure readability. Apply a readability test such as Apply a readability test such as

Gunning's Fog Index.Gunning's Fog Index.

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Applying the Fog Index to Applying the Fog Index to Determine ReadabilityDetermine Readability

Select the passage.Select the passage. Count the total words.Count the total words. Count the sentences.Count the sentences. Find the average sentence length.Find the average sentence length. Count the number of long words.Count the number of long words. Find the percentage of long words.Find the percentage of long words. Add the results.Add the results. Multiply.Multiply.

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Select the passage.*Select the passage.* Choose a continuous passage of Choose a continuous passage of

between 100 and 130 words.between 100 and 130 words.

*See the Sample Letter in frames C3-25 to C3-27.

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Count the total words.Count the total words. Count numbers, dates, and Count numbers, dates, and

abbreviations separately.abbreviations separately.

Our letter sample has 110 words.Our letter sample has 110 words.

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Count the sentences.Count the sentences.

Count all independent clauses Count all independent clauses separately.separately.

For example, For example, He applied and he was He applied and he was hired hired counts as two sentences.counts as two sentences.

Our sample has seven sentences, Our sample has seven sentences, marked with superscript numbers.marked with superscript numbers.

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Find the average sentence Find the average sentence length.length. Divide the total number of words Divide the total number of words

by the number of sentences.by the number of sentences.

110/7 = 16 words110/7 = 16 words

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Count the number of long Count the number of long words.words.

A word is long if it has three or more syllables.A word is long if it has three or more syllables. Exclude:Exclude:

– capitalized wordscapitalized words– compound words formed from short words compound words formed from short words

((neverthelessnevertheless))– verbs made into three syllables by the verbs made into three syllables by the

addition of -addition of -eded, or -, or -eses ( (located, financeslocated, finances)) In our sample sentence the long words are In our sample sentence the long words are

underlined.underlined.

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Find the percentage of long Find the percentage of long words.words. Divide the number of long words Divide the number of long words

by the number of total words.by the number of total words.

10/110 = .09 or 9 percent10/110 = .09 or 9 percent

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Add the results.Add the results. Add the average sentence length Add the average sentence length

(16) and the percentage of long (16) and the percentage of long words (9).words (9).

The result is 25.The result is 25.

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Multiply.Multiply. Multiply by 0.4Multiply by 0.4

25 x 0.4 = 1025 x 0.4 = 10

The reading level of this letter is The reading level of this letter is 10.10.

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Sample LetterSample Letter

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Dear Mrs. Lawrence:

1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m. to discuss possible ways to finance the purchase of a new home in San Diego. 2Before we meet, though, you might like to consider two possible plans.

Dear Mrs. Lawrence:

1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m. to discuss possible ways to finance the purchase of a new home in San Diego. 2Before we meet, though, you might like to consider two possible plans.

Sample Letter

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3The first plan finances your purchase with a swing loan, which has a fixed interest rate for a short period of time. 4A second plan requires you to refinance your present residence. 5We have located five programs from three different institutions that would do this. 6Enclosed is a summary of these five plans.

3The first plan finances your purchase with a swing loan, which has a fixed interest rate for a short period of time. 4A second plan requires you to refinance your present residence. 5We have located five programs from three different institutions that would do this. 6Enclosed is a summary of these five plans.

Sample Letter

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7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for you to own a home in San Diego.

Sincerely,

7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for you to own a home in San Diego.

Sincerely,

Sample Letter

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The Complete 3-X-3 Writing The Complete 3-X-3 Writing ProcessProcess

PHASE 1PHASE 1

AnalyzeAnalyze AnticipateAnticipate AdaptAdapt

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The Complete 3-X-3 Writing The Complete 3-X-3 Writing ProcessProcess

PHASE 1PHASE 1

AnalyzeAnalyze AnticipateAnticipate AdaptAdapt

PHASE 2PHASE 2

ResearchResearch OrganizeOrganize ComposeCompose

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The Complete 3-X-3 Writing The Complete 3-X-3 Writing ProcessProcess

PHASE 1PHASE 1

AnalyzeAnalyze AnticipateAnticipate AdaptAdapt

PHASE 2PHASE 2

ResearchResearch OrganizeOrganize ComposeCompose

PHASE 3PHASE 3

ReviseRevise ProofreadProofread EvaluateEvaluate

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Phase 1Phase 1 Analyze: Analyze: Define your purpose. Select Define your purpose. Select

the most appropriate form (channel). the most appropriate form (channel). Visualize the audience.Visualize the audience.

Anticipate: Anticipate: Put yourself in the reader’s Put yourself in the reader’s position and predict his or her reaction position and predict his or her reaction to this message.to this message.

Adapt: Adapt: Consider ways to shape the Consider ways to shape the message to benefit the reader, using message to benefit the reader, using his or her language.his or her language.

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Phase 2Phase 2 Research: Research: Collect data formally Collect data formally

and informally. Generate ideas by and informally. Generate ideas by brainstorming and clustering.brainstorming and clustering.

Organize: Organize: Group ideas into a list or Group ideas into a list or an outline. Select the direct or an outline. Select the direct or indirect strategy.indirect strategy.

Compose: Compose: Write first draft, Write first draft, preferably on a word processor.preferably on a word processor.

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Phase 3Phase 3 Revise: Revise: Revise for clarity, tone, Revise for clarity, tone,

conciseness, and vigor. Revise to conciseness, and vigor. Revise to improve readability.improve readability.

Proofread: Proofread: Proofread to verify Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance.format. Check for overall appearance.

Evaluate:Evaluate: Ask yourself if the final Ask yourself if the final product will achieve its purpose.product will achieve its purpose.

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What to Watch for in What to Watch for in ProofreadingProofreading

SpellingSpelling GrammarGrammar PunctuationPunctuation Names and numbersNames and numbers FormatFormat

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Basic Proofreader’s MarksBasic Proofreader’s Marks

DeleteDelete

CapitalizeCapitalize

Lowercase (don’t Lowercase (don’t capitalize)capitalize)

TransposeTranspose

Close upClose up

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Basic Proofreader’s MarksBasic Proofreader’s Marks InsertInsert

Insert spaceInsert space

Insert punctuationInsert punctuation

Insert periodInsert period

Start paragraphStart paragraph

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Marked CopyMarked Copy

This is to inform you that beginning This is to inform you that beginning

september 1 the doors leading to the september 1 the doors leading to the

Westside of the building will have alarms. Westside of the building will have alarms.

Because of the fact that these exits also Because of the fact that these exits also

function as fire exits they can not actually be function as fire exits they can not actually be

locked consequently we are instaling alrams. locked consequently we are instaling alrams.

Please utilize the east side exists to avoid Please utilize the east side exists to avoid

setting off the ear piercing alarms.setting off the ear piercing alarms.

doors

l

use

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Revised CopyRevised Copy

Beginning September 1 the doors leading to Beginning September 1 the doors leading to

the west side of the building will have the west side of the building will have

alarms. Because these doors also function alarms. Because these doors also function

as fire exits, they cannot be locked; as fire exits, they cannot be locked;

consequently, we are installing alarms. consequently, we are installing alarms.

Please use the east side exits to avoid Please use the east side exits to avoid

setting off the ear-piercing alarms.setting off the ear-piercing alarms.

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How to proofread routine How to proofread routine documentsdocuments

For computer messages, read on For computer messages, read on the screen in WYSIWYG mode the screen in WYSIWYG mode (what you see is what you get) or, (what you see is what you get) or, better, print a rough copy to read.better, print a rough copy to read.

For handwritten or printed For handwritten or printed messages, read carefully and use messages, read carefully and use proofreading marks to indicate proofreading marks to indicate changes.changes.

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How to proofread complex How to proofread complex documentsdocuments

Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Set it aside for a breather.Set it aside for a breather. Allow adequate time for careful proofreading.Allow adequate time for careful proofreading. Be prepared to find errors. Congratulate, not Be prepared to find errors. Congratulate, not

criticize, yourself each time you find an error!criticize, yourself each time you find an error! Read the message at least twice--for meaning Read the message at least twice--for meaning

and for grammar/mechanics.and for grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed. Focus on Reduce your reading speed. Focus on

individual words.individual words.

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Evaluating the outcomeEvaluating the outcome How successful will this How successful will this

communication be?communication be? Does the message say what you Does the message say what you

want it to?want it to? Will it achieve its purpose?Will it achieve its purpose? Did you encourage feedback so that Did you encourage feedback so that

you will know its success?you will know its success?

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Wordy Memo - PoorWordy Memo - PoorDocument for Analysis Document for Analysis 5.15.1

“Before” Version“Before” Version

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To: All Management

This memo is addressed to all members to advise you that once a year we like to remind management of our policy in relation to the matter of business attire. In this policy there is a recommendation that all employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets requirements of safety.

Employees who work in offices and who, as part of their jobs, meet the public and other outsiders should dress in a professional manner, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In areas of industrial applications, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in machinery that moves.

To: All Management

This memo is addressed to all members to advise you that once a year we like to remind management of our policy in relation to the matter of business attire. In this policy there is a recommendation that all employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets requirements of safety.

Employees who work in offices and who, as part of their jobs, meet the public and other outsiders should dress in a professional manner, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In areas of industrial applications, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in machinery that moves.

Activity 5.1 “Before”

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Activity 5.1 “Before”

Where it is necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at the level of the floor. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: shoes that are open toe, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, spiked heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.

Each and every manager has the responsibility for the determination of suitable business attire, and employees should be informed of what is required.

Where it is necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at the level of the floor. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: shoes that are open toe, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, spiked heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.

Each and every manager has the responsibility for the determination of suitable business attire, and employees should be informed of what is required.

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Wordy Memo - ImprovedWordy Memo - ImprovedDocument for Analysis Document for Analysis 5.15.1

“After” Version“After” Version

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Activity 5.1 “After”

To: All Management

Once a year we like to remind you of our policy regarding business attire. All employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets safety requirements.

Office employees who meet the public should dress professionally, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In industrial areas, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in moving machinery.

To: All Management

Once a year we like to remind you of our policy regarding business attire. All employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets safety requirements.

Office employees who meet the public should dress professionally, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In industrial areas, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in moving machinery.

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Activity 5.1 “After”

Where necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at floor level. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: open-toe shoes, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, and heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.

Every manager is responsible for determining suitable business attire and for informing employees of what is required.

Where necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at floor level. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: open-toe shoes, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, and heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.

Every manager is responsible for determining suitable business attire and for informing employees of what is required.

C6-50

Copy With Proofreading Copy With Proofreading MarksMarks

Document for Analysis 5.2 Document for Analysis 5.2

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Document for Analysis 5.2

Dear Ms. Willis,

We appreciate you interest in employe leasing through U.S. Staff Network. Our programs and our service has proved to be powerful management tools for business owners, like you.

Our seventeen year history, Ms. Williams, provide the local service and national strength neccesary to offer the best employee leasing programs available, we save business owners time, and money, employee hassles and employer liability.

Dear Ms. Willis,

We appreciate you interest in employe leasing through U.S. Staff Network. Our programs and our service has proved to be powerful management tools for business owners, like you.

Our seventeen year history, Ms. Williams, provide the local service and national strength neccesary to offer the best employee leasing programs available, we save business owners time, and money, employee hassles and employer liability.

:

r eve

ss

=

=

.

,

s

C6-52

Your employees' will receive health care benifits, retirement plan choices and a national credit union. As a small business owner you can eliminate personel administration. Which involves alot of goverment paperwork today.

Whether you have one or 1,000 employees and offer no benefits to a full-benefits package employee leasing will get you back to the basics of running your business more profitably. I will call you to arrange a time to meet, and talk about your specific needs.

Cordially,

Your employees' will receive health care benifits, retirement plan choices and a national credit union. As a small business owner you can eliminate personel administration. Which involves alot of goverment paperwork today.

Whether you have one or 1,000 employees and offer no benefits to a full-benefits package employee leasing will get you back to the basics of running your business more profitably. I will call you to arrange a time to meet, and talk about your specific needs.

Cordially,

1

,

,

n,

# n

e

Document for Analysis 5.2

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Revision of Letter - PoorRevision of Letter - Poor“Before” Version - Activity 5.3“Before” Version - Activity 5.3

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Dear Mr. Sato:

Pursuant to your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you herewith the attached materials and documents with regard to the improvement of security in your business. To insure the improvement of security of your after-hours security, you should initially make a decision with regard to exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are, in all probability, apprehensive not only about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your company records, information, and data.

Dear Mr. Sato:

Pursuant to your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you herewith the attached materials and documents with regard to the improvement of security in your business. To insure the improvement of security of your after-hours security, you should initially make a decision with regard to exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are, in all probability, apprehensive not only about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your company records, information, and data.

“Before” Version - Activity 5.3

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Inasmuch as we feel you will want to obtain protection for both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and foremost, we recommend that you install defensive lighting. A consultant for lighting, currently on our staff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my second point. Exhibit security signs, due to the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted signs on windows and doors. As my last and final recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are sensors that look down over the areas that are to receive protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring off intruders.

Inasmuch as we feel you will want to obtain protection for both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and foremost, we recommend that you install defensive lighting. A consultant for lighting, currently on our staff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my second point. Exhibit security signs, due to the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted signs on windows and doors. As my last and final recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are sensors that look down over the areas that are to receive protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring off intruders.

“Before” Version - Activity 5.3

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After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss the protection of your business.

Sincerely,

After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss the protection of your business.

Sincerely,

“Before” Version - Activity 5.3

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Computing the Fog IndexComputing the Fog Index

The letter shown has a reading level of 17.2.The letter shown has a reading level of 17.2.

Here's how the reading level was computed:Here's how the reading level was computed: Total words in passageTotal words in passage 208208 Number of sentencesNumber of sentences 9 9 Number of long wordsNumber of long words 41 41 Average sentence length Average sentence length (208/9 = 23)(208/9 = 23)

2323 Percentage of long words Percentage of long words (41/208 = .20)(41/208 = .20)

2020 Add the resultsAdd the results

4343 Multiply by .04 Multiply by .04 (.04 x 43 = 17.2)(.04 x 43 = 17.2)

17.217.2

“Before” Version - Activity 5.3

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Revision of Letter - Revision of Letter - ImprovedImproved

“After” Version -Activity 5.3“After” Version -Activity 5.3

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Dear Mr. Sato:

At your request, I am sending you the attached materials regarding improving security in your business. To improve your after-hours security, you should first decide what must be protected. You are probably concerned about your electronic equipment and about company data.

Dear Mr. Sato:

At your request, I am sending you the attached materials regarding improving security in your business. To improve your after-hours security, you should first decide what must be protected. You are probably concerned about your electronic equipment and about company data.

“After” Version - Activity 5.3

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Because we feel you will want to protect both equipment and data, we can suggest a number of prudent steps to deter crime. First, install defensive lighting. Our lighting expert can design both outside and inside lighting. Second, post security signs. Amateur thieves are often deterred by signs on windows and doors. Finally, install space alarms. These sensors look down over the areas that are being protected. The sensors can activate bells or lights, thus scaring off intruders.

Because we feel you will want to protect both equipment and data, we can suggest a number of prudent steps to deter crime. First, install defensive lighting. Our lighting expert can design both outside and inside lighting. Second, post security signs. Amateur thieves are often deterred by signs on windows and doors. Finally, install space alarms. These sensors look down over the areas that are being protected. The sensors can activate bells or lights, thus scaring off intruders.

“After” Version - Activity 5.3

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After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss protecting your business.

Sincerely,

After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss protecting your business.

Sincerely,

“After” Version - Activity 5.3

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Revised Fog Index Reading Revised Fog Index Reading LevelLevel

Total wordsTotal words 134134 Number of sentencesNumber of sentences 12 12 Number of long wordsNumber of long words 19 19 Average sentence length Average sentence length (134 - 12 =)(134 - 12 =) 11 11 Percentage of long words Percentage of long words (19 - 134 =)(19 - 134 =).14.14 AddAdd 25 25 Multiply by .04 (25 x .04 =) reading level:Multiply by .04 (25 x .04 =) reading level:

10.010.0

“After” Version - Activity 5.3