zakar magazine issue 5

Finding Lasting

Love

Crazy Family IssuesCombat the Crazy

From The Jennifer Keitt Show

AngryBut Still In Love Intimacy

With God

special relationship issue

www.jenniferkeitt.com | Issue 5

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Crazy Family IssuesCombat your family issues

Contents

Articles From The Jennifer Keitt Show

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Reconcile Your RelationshipWhat To Do If Your Spouse Is Cheating

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22

Finding Lasting LoveMeeting and Keeping Mr. or Mrs. Right

Father HungerBreaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationsihps

Dieting KidsThe “fatlash” of being a food police officer

Intimacy With GodThe Greatest Present You Can Give

Angry But Still In LoveCoping with the paradox

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Editor In ChiefJennifer Keitt

Creative DirectorMorgan Keitt

Copy EditorBetty Wanjiru

PublisherT.J. Communications Inc.

Customer ServiceFor 24/7 information and ser-vice, please visit our website: www.zakarmagazine.com.

Or write to: Zakar Magazine

T.J. Communications 1720 Mars Hill Rd., Ste. 8-253,

Acworth, GA 30101.

Zakar Magazine August 2013Copyright Information:Print ISSN: 1946-6420;

E-ISSN: 1946-6420;Zakar Magazine is published by T.J. Communications Inc.

(1720 Mars Hill Road Ste. 8-253 Acworth, GA 30101)

www.zakarmagazine.com (C) 2013, T.J. COmmunications Inc. Reproduction in whole or in part

is prohibited without written permission. The information

contained herein has been obtained from sources believed to

be reliable; however, the infomation provided is not meant to replace licensed professionals but is to be used alongside. No part of this publication may be

reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means

without written permission from the publisher. Printed in the U.S.A

All rights reserved.

Hello and welcome to another exciting issue of Zakar magazine! In this special “relationship issue” we are bringing to you the absolute best strategies, thoughts, ideas and commentary on how to take your relationships to the next level. What do you do when you’re angry with someone that you are still deeply in love with? Find out in this issue. How do you develop a deep intimacy with the Lord? You can find out within the pages of Zakar this month! There are articles on family issues, finding love in your life, a stress test and more!

This issue is packed with the coaching help that you need in every area of your relationships. Relax, read and enjoy Zakar’s special relationship issue this month and be sure to share with all of your friends and acquaintances.

God Bless You Always!

Jennifer KeittEditor

Zakar Magazine

Letter From The Editor

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Crazy Family IssuesLeave the issues from your childhood behind to build a loving family today!

Psychiatrist Gary Malone, M.D and his sister, Susan Malone, share tips on how to avoid family baggage, and what you can do to stop that baggage from destroying your family. Healthy families possess these key qualities that help them function; if a quality was missing or in short supply as you were growing up, Dr. Malone shares tips on how you can incorporate it into your family’s life.At the heart of almost all of his patients’ problems, says psychiatrist Gary Malone, are issues that stem from the family that raised them creating problems in the family they’ve started. “Almost all of us deal with this to some degree or another. Very few families are idyllic,” says Malone, a distinguished fellow in the American Psychiatric Association, and coauthor with his sister Susan Mary Malone of “What’s Wrong with My Family?” Despite that, most of us manage to lead happy, productive lives. “Once we recognize the child-hood baggage we’ve carried into adulthood, we can take steps to compensate, make corrections, and change how we raise our own children,” Malone says.

reality but are the product of a deficit likely handed down through generations in your family. Listen to what you tell yourself – if it’s things like, “I’m an idi-ot” and “I am really messed up,” change that self-talk. Words are powerful!

Healthy Families Show Love

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Family is usually the one place and time in life that a person experiences unconditional love. If you did not receive that as a child, you likely have difficulty loving and valuing yourself. There is no substitute for loving yourself; this issue is the number one cause of unhappiness in adult relationships. The first step in healing is recognizing the damage and being willing to believe your feelings of unworthiness are not based in

Individuals in the family are encouraged to develop their own personal identity and separate from the fam-ily while maintaining a role within it. The family sup-ports and even cheers on individuals in their personal quests. Children who are not allowed the freedom to express and explore their identities may become adults who develop co-dependent relationships, wherein they put the needs of others before their own and/or are de-pendent on the control of others. Ways to begin ad-dressing autonomy issues as an adult include learning how to comfortably spend time alone, pursuing interests (whether or not they are valued by friends and family) by taking classes or joining clubs, and boosting self-esteem through positive self talk.

Parents are the keepers of the rules; they provide struc-ture for children, both to protect them and to foster learning and growth. People who grow up with little or no structure may fail to offer structure to their own children – or overreact and be too rigid. Provide struc-ture and consistency by setting up routines that every-one in the family is expected to follow daily, with

Healthy Families Respect Autonomy

Healthy Families Create Structure & Boundaries

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If you want “normal” family relationships, here are some easy things you can do to reduce the drama!

1. Watch your WORDS! How do you create an atmo-sphere of peace and harmony in your home? With the words coming out of your mouth AND the tone that you are using. To avoid the crazy, use positive, affirming words, and use tones that are light, friendly, and full of love.

2. Watch your ACTIONS! You’ve heard the saying that ac-tions speak louder than words. They do! Use the golden rule in your home, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!” It works wonders.

3. Watch your PERSPECTIVE! Your perspective is your reality, but is that what’s really going on? What you “think” is happening might not be reality. Be sure not to jump to conclusions in your family. Ask clarifying questions, don’t just assume that what you believe is the truth.

Coach’s Corner

occasional exceptions. These might include making your bed in the morning; daily chores; a set dinnertime, with everyone at the table; and “together” time, such as a game night.


How To Find Lasting Love6 Questions for Meeting and Keeping Mr. or Mrs. Right

Fear, stubbornness, ignorance, procrastination, resig-nation – for singles or couples longing for love, these

are among the deadly sins, according to relationship expert Ernest Quansah, author of “Do’s and Don’ts of Relationships: Nine Steps to a Deeper, Richer Love Re-lationship, 2nd edition”. While self-improvement is im-portant, singles and couples should not use excuses to put off what could be a meaningful, lasting relationship. Just as people need a plan in order to give themselves a chance with New Year’s resolutions, such as weight loss or a career move, so too is the case with finding permanent love. Singles and couples need to answer six questions while pursuing love and true happiness.

What is my goal? For each question, jot down what you are really looking for. Do you want a lifelong partner, a date on Valentine’s Day, or do you want your marriage to work? Many “se-rial daters” and “twice married men and women” claim they want the real thing; however, often their behavior indicates the opposite. You must be honest with what is in your heart.

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What am I doing to achieve my goal?Striking a balance is important. Doing too much, like spending a lot of money on a new look or being too negative, can be relationship killers because they are not permanent solutions and this makes achieving


Fault finding in a potential love interest or in a mar-riage, for example, can hinder the flow of success. Another obstacle may be placing artificial contingen-cies on your love connection, like comparing yourself to others, or unintentionally putting too much strain on your marriage. An objective, calm, and rational approach can help you map a course for achieving love relationship success.

What might prevent me from achieving my goal?

Mistakes are to be expected – nobody’s perfect. But they should only be acceptable as long as you’ve learned something from them. Look back and do a review. If you have approached dating or relationship success in ways that keep failing, it is time to change!

What methods haven’t worked?

Everybody has qualities that make them good at some things and not so great in other areas. Focus on your strengths; if you have used methods that brought you success in dating or in your marriage, you should use those methods because they will yield result. But do not be afraid to test the waters with new ideas.

What methods have worked for me?

If you cannot envision the taste of success, you may be less motivated to go the extra mile for true love. Think about how nice it would feel to have meaningful com-panionship, bring someone home to meet the family, and maybe even start a family of your own.

What will success feel like?

Coach’s Corner

1. Get rid of your clock! Long-lasting love takes T-I-M-E. Like aging cheese or wine, enjoy the process. Throw away the anxiousness and nervous-ness associated with flings and affairs and commit to enjoying the long ride!

2. Enjoy the seasons! Long-lasting love works through many seasons. When it’s winter in the relationship, bundle up. When it’s summer, take it all off and have a ball! Be committed to moving through the various times that you will find your-self in.

3. Trade in microwaves for slow cookers! We want microwave love instead of the slow cooker kind. For long-lasting love get rid of the right now, right here, in an instant feel-ings, emotions and ways of being. Trade those ideas in for taking your time to get to know one another. Learn contentment in knowing bits and pieces as they’re revealed over the journey of your relationship. Slow cooked love is savory!

Lifetime love is a very different kind of love! First and foremost it matures and grows over a

long, long time. So if you’re committed to finding and keeping lasting love follow

these tips:

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your goal difficult. If you act like yourself, you’ll be more comfortable and self-confident – and those are attractive qualities! Remember who you are and what you love, but don’t be inflexible; love and relationship success are often about compromise. Taking note of what you have and haven’t done, and evaluating the effectiveness of those strategies, are the key to dating, relationship, and marriage success.


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Angry, But Still In Love

To be angry and to be in love is a paradox. It's that state we can find ourselves in when we think we can't take it any-more and then somehow we're still there. It's when our man has violated us, trust is gone and hope is out the window...and yet deep, deep down, we can still sense a better future. It's when our children have disappointed us time and time again and our hearts won't let us give up on them. It's when a friend has betrayed us and we still find the room beyond the pain to move on with the relationship. Anyone ever been hurt so, so bad and been so, so angry and yet still been in love???

It’s a confusing time, an emotional time, a desperate, no-body understands or cares time...but it is a time when you can still find power, hope and God’s love! I want to remind you of the goodness of the Lord and His faithfulness to us even when we’re betrayed, hurt and knocked down.

1 Corinthians 10:13 “The only temptations that you have are the temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not et you be tempted more than you can

What do you do when you are angry and yet still in love? When he’s broken his promise, again?

When your children have lied, again? When your sister or cousin or mother is stirring up mess, again? When your boss or co-workers are hatin’, again? It can seem overwhelming to be in the midst of hurt and yet know deep in your “knower” that you’re still not through yet, and you’re not ready to give up, cave in or quit. I want you to know today, you’re not crazy, stupid or weak if you find yourself, angry, but still in love!

To be angry and to be in love is a paradox. It’s that state we can find

ourselves in when we think we can’t take it anymore and then somehow

we’re still there.

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self-protection is power living at its peak! You can choose to forgive, again and again and again. You can choose to severe the relationship. You can choose to move on and to live life. You have the power of choice and choosing to renounce all claim to hurt, frustration, or dissapoint-ment, automatically. I hope this helps a little today...and remember...

Proverbs 29:22 “An angry person causes trouble. A person who easily gets angry sins a lot.”

stand.But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to stand it”

Being rescued by God! Being able to stand the test you’re in, that’s power living! That’s the ability to say, you know I may be down...but I’m not out! I may be unem-ployed and seemingly forgotten, but my escape is com-ing! My kids may be strung out right now, but they’re coming home! My husband may be caught up in por-nography, but he’s coming out!

Life hurts sometimes. People hurt us intentionally and unintentionally. But our worlds can’t be rocked and we sure can’t let our anger pull us out of our peace!

So, what can you do if you find yourself angry but still in love today? Glad you asked!

Evaluate, Calculate, and Determine Exactly How You Feel. What’s going on inside you? Are you hurt, angry or sad because he cheated on you? Are you upset with your daughter, because she’s making bad choices? Are you afraid of losing your job? What exactly do you feel? List and inventory the feelings. Not superficially, but deeply, getting to the heart of the pure emotion you’re experiencing.

Psalm 51:6 “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.”

Acknowledge, Validate, Clear, and Adjust Your Feel-ings. Give credence to your feelings. You feel what you feel and what you feel is what you feel! I never tell my children they are not feeling what they say they feel. In fact, I’ve found more often than not we have a hard time saying exactly what we feel and why we’re feeling it. In order to regain your composure and equilibrium after being hurt, it’s imperative that you get specific about what’s going on inside you. You can only have control over emotions that you have categorized, acknowledged and validated. After acknowledgement, then you are prepared to take action to allow God to heal you and make things better. (Side note, that doesn’t mean that like magic, he stops cheating or whatever, it simply means that you aren’t in the same place and can find the strength to stand in the battle until you win!)Let Them Feelings Go! Feelings should not rule you; you should rule them. Our feelings’ function is to help and assist us in sustaining our decisions, they are not meant to rule us and drive us around at a whim. Letting your feelings go and giving up all rights to

Coach’s CornerThe most important thing that you want to remember when you’re “angry” is that you still “love” the person. Anger is an emotion that left unchecked can do way more damage than good.

Three keys to controlling anger when you’re still interested in maintaining a relationship is to:

1. LISTEN: try to hear past what you think he or she is saying and attempt to really hear what your significant other is saying to you.

2. Speak Cautiously: Don’t go into having to have something to say mode - instead, speak carefully, cautiously, picking and choosing the right words to convey what you’re feeling or thinking.

3. Control Your Anger: You do have the ability to pick and choose your feelings. Choose to have a different emotion. Remember WHY you love this person in the first place, change your mind about how you feel.


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A Life Coach is a Personal Change Expert!Coaches help people like you grow faster, perform at higher levels, understand themselves more deeply, and live with greater purpose and fulfillment. In the same way that a personal trainer helps a pro ath-lete maximize performance, a personal coach can help you get the most out of life.

Life Coaching Involves:

Powerful, incisive coaching questions stimulate you to examine the things in life that matter most from new angles. A coaching conversation can transform the way you look at life.

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Transparent RelationshipsA coach is a friend and confidant, your greatest supporter, and someone who knows you well enough to call out the best in you. A transparent relationship with your coach frees you to go to places you’ve never gone before.

With support, encouragement, and accountability from someone who believes in us, we can do far more than we’d ever accomplish alone. A coach helps you stay on track, overcome obstacles, and convert your “want-to’s” into concrete steps that are put into your schedule.

Coaches don’t give solutions, they help you solve your own problems. By leveraging every situ-ation to build your capacity as a leader and a person, coaching prepares you to conquer much bigger challenges in the future

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HowSTRESSED

Are You?In the last month, how often have you felt difficulties were piling up so high that you could not overcome them?

In the last month, how often have you felt that things were going your way?

In the last month, how often have you felt confident about your ability to handle your

personal problems?

In the last month, how often have you felt that you were unable to control the import-ant things in your life?

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a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 e) 4

a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 e) 4

a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 e) 4

a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 e) 4

Life has a way of taking us by surprise and continuously piling things on to our “To-Do” lists. This test is designed to determine how overwhelmed, overloaded, and out of control you feel. Identifying how you feel in certain sit-uations is the first step to reducing the amount of stress you think you’re under. Circle the answers for how often have you felt or thought a certain way.

0 = Never1 = Almost Never2 = Sometimes3 = Fairly Often4 = Very Often

Add up the numerical values of your answers. Then look below to assess your stress level.

0-4 You are handling everyday life and life’s stressors well.

4-8 For the most part you are able to cope, you may want to reconsider your response to stress in your life.

8-12 You are having difficulty in managing/coping with stress in your life. You may want to consider seeking out a coach, mentor, pastor or counselor to help you deal with stress better.

12+ Stop what you are doing right now and seek professional help. Your way of dealing with stress in your life is not working and needs to be addressed immediately.


Intimacy WithGOD

From the Desk of Jennifer Keitt

Are you tired of doing “it”: life, situations and circum-stances on your own? It’s time for a deeper level of

intimacy with God, so that we can quit doing “it” on our own and get some much needed help and grace in our times of need! Do yourself a favor and give yourself the best present one could ever give: decide that this is your year of intimacy with God, like you’ve never had before!

To be INTIMATE means to announce, to make known, to communicate delicately and indirectly, essential, be-longing to or characterizing one’s deepest nature; marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity; marked by long friendship developing through long association; of a very personal or private nature; an intimate friend or confidant.

When we engage in Intimacy: we are allowing someone to “SEE-INTO-ME.” Wouldn’t you agree that it’s time for us as God’s daughters to ask the Lord to see into the “real” us, our real selves, the inner woman of the heart?

To be intimate means to announce private things; it’s a sharing. It’s making things known, it’s communicating delicate and essential information. When you’re intimate with someone you are revealing your deepest nature. The real you comes through loud and clear. You are transpar-ent, open, and vulnerable. It’s a most scary time, especially if you don’t know the person that well, or aren’t sure that you can trust the person. But if you are in a free, open,

chatter. This isn’t the feel good agreement we so often en-gage in, this isn’t even a meeting of the minds, an agree-ment of the soul or an acknowledgment of our mouths. Intimacy is that place when time has had its way and over a series of events, good times and bad times, ups and downs, ins and outs, struggles and concerns, laughter and happy times sharing, crying, yelling, screaming, anger, frustration or extreme joy and happiness and through it all you are still together, respecting one another, acknowledging one another, sup-porting one another and seeing one another through until the very end!

Intimacy is of a very personal or private nature. Private. Private means intended for or restricted to the use of a particular person. Not for the world to know or to talk about restricted information, restricted sharing, restricted thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, desires and con-templation private between the two intimate parties, end of discussion. This type of intimate relation-ship beams with trust, is layered with quiet time, soft whispers and sharing. It’s encompassed with a knowing that there’ll always be someone who has a piece of you because they have your heart and soul shared through intimacy. When you see two people who are intimate, you see the love, the respect, the privacy that they have between them. You sense the “do not disturb” sign posted on the door of the relationship!

Finally, intimacy has as its main star an intimate friend or confidant. This world is in desperate need of confidants! A confidant is one to whom secrets are entrusted, When we engage in intimacy we are

allowing someone to “SEE-INTO-ME.”

healthy relationship with someone, intimacy is the name of the game we play when we share the “who” we are with them.

Intimacy is marked by a very close association, contact, or familiarity. We are not intimate with people we are not close to. Associates, or casual acquaintances aren’t people that we are intimate with neither are they people that we should be intimate with. A close association, a close rela-tionship is what is required before we can hope to build our intimacy with people. Building intimacy requires as-sociation, contact and familiarity. Knowing what the per-son will say, how they will respond, what they smell like, what they like or dislike, how they feel about you, etc., are all the ingredients in this most personal relating that we are talking about. Intimacy is marked by LONG friendship, or it’s developed through LONG association. This isn’t your casual meeting. This isn’t your surface

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like? We find out in the book of Revelation. Revelation 3:20 “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and he with Me.”

Jesus is a gentleman. He’s calling out to you right now. Can you hear His voice saying, “Where are you?” Can you hear the sound of the presence of the Lord right now asking you to allow Him entry into your inner being?

When God asked Adam, “Where are you?”, I’ve always thought that was the strangest question that God could ask. After all, He’s God! He knows absolutely everything. Why would He ask Adam where he was? I’m sure God already knew the answer.

Then it dawned on me that God wasn’t asking the question because of a lack of knowledge on His part, He was asking Adam the question so that Adam would realize the state he was in, separated from God. You see up until this point, Adam and God has complete intimacy. They knew one an-other, communicated with one another, revealed their deepest

nature to each other. God and Adam were very close, intimate, and personal with one another. They were one another’s confidants and friends! But when Adam sinned the connection was immediately cut off and since that time man has been “naked” and hidden from intimacy with God. The word naked means defenseless, and lacking of support. Adam used his nakedness, or bareness as an excuse to cover the sin he had committed. The reality is that up until that point, Adam had always been naked or without clothes but after he sinned, he became naked on the inside, embarrassed, ashamed, separated from God. Intimacy at this point was no longer possible, Adam could no longer be transparent and open to God, because sin had separated the two best friends. This is where we find ourselves today separated from God and in need of restoration in our relationship with Him, so that we can get back to intimacy with our Heavenly Father.

especially if your confidant is an intimate friend! The sharing of our heart is the most vulnerable time that we experience and to share the depth of who you are with someone who “blabs” the information or misconstrues what you said or simply gossips with someone else is the most hurtful experience that we can go through. Yet there is Someone who can be all of the things that we’ve talked about!

Yes, intimacy is for parents with their children. It is most especially reserved for husbands and wives. It is for girlfriend relationships and friendships that we are developing! Intimacy is for mo-ments of ministry, moments of connecting and moments of sharing. However, there is a level of intimacy a place of intimacy that we must go to with our Heaven-ly Father that supersedes all of what we’ve discussed thus far.

Genesis 3:8-10 “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?” So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

This is the current condition we’re in today. We’re afraid of the presence of God, we’re afraid of intimacy with God, we hide from His presence and His inti-macy in our lives. God comes to commune with us in the cool of the day. When life is pressured, hurried, stressed and “hot” in walks the presence of God and suddenly things are “cool.” God doesn’t necessarily show up when the day is still warm, hot, hurried and frantic, He shows up in the cool of the day, for HIS time with us. He’s expecting intimacy, “down-time,” private time, intimate time, just you and Him! He is that still small voice, that gentle breeze or

nudge to do the right thing. We should also know that His presence is accompanied by a sound. The Bible says that Adam heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden. What does the Lord sound


We find ourselves needing to be “covered” with God’s love. We need for the Lord to be our defense once more. We need Him to be our support, our friend, our confidant. So many of us feel so all alone, because we’re hiding from the only person in this universe that can help: G-O-D!

Don’t let this be your lot in life any longer! Give yourself and God the absolute best Christmas present and New Year’s Resolution combined: the gift of making the quality decision to become more intimate with the Lord!

Psalm 139:13-18“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in mother’s womb. I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were writ-ten, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You.”

Here are some intimacy scriptures to help you get started on your journey to a deeper relationship with God:

Proverbs 18:24“But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 17:17“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Jeremiah 29:13“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”

James 4:8“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”

Psalm 145:18-19“The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.”

Jeremiah 1:5“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you”

Coach’s Corner


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New polls suggest “father hunger” is continuing to alter the family structure in the United States. A recent Associ-ated Press poll finds 42 percent of women would consider having a child without a partner. Additionally, more than 24 million daughters and sons in America live in homes without their father, according to the U.S. Census data.

A girl’s first love is her father, and if he has abandoned her, she will find herself in romantic relationships that are similarly unhealthy later in life, Louis-Scott says.Father

Hunger:

In America’s families, much has been made about the effect on boys whose

fathers are not around to help raise them, but Dee Louis-Scott, co-chair for the Black Family Technology Awareness Association’s Youth STEM Fair, says the consequences are very tangible in the lives of girls, too.

Try these relationship tips to break the cycle of unhealthy partner-seeking:

Consider your relationship with your father:Take an in-depth look at the relationship between you and your father. A painstaking review will help you avoid sabotaging a current or future romantic bond.The first (and probably the hardest thing to do) is to recognize and define the problem, if any.

Take time for you: Get up every morning with the thought that you are rebuilding your life. Reward yourself, perhaps with a massage, a good book or a long bike ride. While reflecting in your solitude, think about the role you played in the failure of your relationship. Consider your past relationship mistakes, and be honest. Remember, as long as you make it the other person’s fault, you will remain a victim.

When you are ready, ease back into newrelationships: Take a little longer than you normally would to get to know someone. Enjoy the dates and learning about each other. See your potential partner as they are and not how you want them to be, because when we are in a low place it’s easy to put a high value on a person’s potential. Trying to change a man is a bad idea; relax and enjoy getting to know more about him to decide whether you’re compatible.

20

Tips for Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships for Women

If a father treats his daughter like a princess, she will demand better

treatment in her romantic relationships, but if he treats her poorly, she will come

to expect that and even seek it out in future relationships.

( )

A Special Article FromTHE JENNIFER KEITT

SHOW


Dieting KidsThe “fatlash” of food policing

Before Karen Kataline knew what a calorie was, she was restricted to 500 of them a day. At dinner, she was not served the same foods as her parents and brother. She remembers being hungry all the time. Kataline was a toddler beauty

queen and performer.“When parents – or some government agency or official – make food choices for individuals, it sets people up to

develop eating disorders,” says Kataline, an experienced mental health therapist with a master’s degree in social work from Columbia University. Kataline offers these suggestions for families who want their children to have a healthy rela-tionship with food – and with themselves.

Teach children “body integrity” – that they have autonomy over their own body. Ultimately, each of us is responsible for the choices we make, and that includes the choices involving our bodies.

Teach children to recognize the differences between healthy and unhealthy choices, and encourage healthy choices by emphasizing its their body and they must both expect and accept the consequences – good and bad – for the choices they make. “Children will learn to moderate their eating habits when they are in touch with their own hunger signals,” she says. “When someone else takes responsibility for that, they lose touch with it.”

Set boundaries and respect them. It’s normal for parents to revel in their child’s accomplishments. “But there’s a prob-lem when they desperately need their child to look a certain way, or excel in a particular area,’ Kataline says. They are imposing their own issues and arrested development on their child. “Parents need to work out these issues for them-selves, or with the help of a therapist, and establish boundaries that respect the child’s autonomy.”

Encourage your child to “check in with themself,” if they are making a lot of unhealthy food choices, to identify the cause. “Sometimes the body says what the mouth cannot,” Kataline says. Significant weight gain can be a child’s body armor, protecting him or her from something that feels painful but they are unable to articulate.

21

A Special Article FromTHE JENNIFER KEITT

SHOW


Reconcile Your RelationshipTips for surviving your spouse’s affair

For many, the response to a cheating spouse is a no-brainer—kick ‘em to the curb. But others want

to reconcile despite being betrayed. They’re willing to forgive and believe they can mend the marriage. It’s easy to say that cheating is unacceptable. And of course, it is. But when you’re faced with the consequences of ending a marriage—like weekends without the kids, less money, a smaller house, a lower standard of living, the prospect of dating again, and tearing up years of photos—many people can’t go there. As unacceptable as cheating is, for many people it’s worth it to try to reconcile rather than divorce and face that nightmare too. If you’re fed up, lawyer up—but if you want to save your marriage and reconcile your relationship, here’s some advice:

Don’t spy. If your spouse is having an affair, then your marriage needs a leader, not a follower. Spying is another form of betrayal; it’s a violation of trust. Don’t go there. You’ll just add to the distrust in the marriage and make matters worse. Take the high road and maintain your decency and integrity. Be a leader, not a follower.

Hang in there. The vast majority of affairs end within a year because they are relationships built on deceit and immorality, and things planted in polluted soil don’t grow well. The affair will die. Don’t make an impulsive decision. Hang in there until the affair runs its natural course. After that, you and your spouse might see your marriage and your future differently.

Kill ‘em with kindness. They don’t deserve it? No kidding! But if you want to spoil their affair and turn your marriage around, don’t treat your spouse the way they treat you; treat them the way you want to be treated. Adulterers want their spouse to leave them alone, give them space, that way they can feel emotionally free to philander. But when you extend kindness, it tugs on their conscience and ruins their jus-tification for betraying you.

Seduce ‘em. No one should ever do anything sexually they don’t want to do, but if you desire your spouse then go for it. You’re not doing anything wrong. The other woman/man is the mistress/mister; you’re the wife/husband! And to turn this around, it’s helpful to rev up the sexual part of your relationship. Your friend may have told you, “Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too.” Yeah, you’ll feel vindi-cated withholding sex. But what will that accomplish? It’s punitive; it’s not healing. Show them what they could be missing if they take their business elsewhere.


A Special Article From

It’s easy to say that cheating is unacceptable. And of course, it is. But when you’re faced with

the consequences of ending a marriage — many people can’t

go there.

( )THE JENNIFER KEITT

SHOW

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