Writing Assessment (Correction and Feedback) Report

Candidate name: Zara Naveed Date: 24th October 2019

Question: Nowadays environmental pollution is a major concern in many parts of the world. What are the

causes of this and how can we overcome this problem?

Essay:

The environment is a delicate balance of natural areas and ecosystems, and it is fast getting poisoned due to a marked proliferation of industrial units and an increase in urban sprawl.

Firstly, the production process for most products used by human beings has been heavily industrialized, which leads to the dumping of a huge amount of industrial waste into the surrounding environment. With the dawn of the industrial age, mankind started creating food, chemicals, clothes and medicines in massive industrial buildings. On one hand, this enabled us to provide amenities to an increasing population, whereas on the other there was a need for finding a responsible way to discard the refuse. However, most industrialists found it cheaper to make the environment bear the brunt of the problem by using rivers, open fields and grasslands as dumpsters. One way to resolve this issue is to put laws in place, which require every firm to take responsible steps to put their byproducts in specialized underground waste disposal tanks and dedicated grounds.

Secondly, our cities are expanding rapidly and encroaching on surrounding land - land which is an integral part of the environment. A city needs fields to grow food in, areas to put its garbage in and land to build houses. However, as cities grow they take over more and more space which is otherwise host to water bodies like ponds, and to animals. When these things are replaced by human habitation, entire ecosystems get wiped out. The environment of our planet relies on these delicate ecosystems to maintain the water, air and food cycle. One method to overcome this problem is to allocate specific areas for cities, and dedicate a minimum acreage for protected land. One example of this is the Yellow Stone Park in the United States, where a vast area has been reserved for natural ecosystems and human activity is curtailed by law.

To conclude, the environment is getting damaged due to a surge in industrial activity and the fast expansion of cities into nature. The implementation of laws asking industry owners to discard their waste responsibly, and labelling different tracts of land for cities and for nature reserves can work towards sorting out this troubling development.

Key:

* Task Response *Mistakes (If any)

* Coherence and Cohesion * Repeated irrelevant idea/word/phrase

* Lexical Resource *can be written differently

*Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Feedback:

Task Response

Comments:

• 350+ words.

• Addresses all parts of the task.

• Clear position is maintained throughout the response.

• Strong example in BP2.

• Introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion follow a proper structure.

• Main ideas are relevant with strong supporting details.

• Introduction and conclusion is appropriately written.

• Some details lack focus and/or repeated. This can reduce score for TR and CC.

Suggestions for improvement:

• A very well-developed response can hit 320-350 words. Most students write a lot more words than

expected due to various issues:

1- Not being able to explain main point(s) properly and keep repeating generalized information.

2- Give irrelevant details or give more than 2-3 supporting ideas.

Reason why your essay exceeds average word count is that you give strong support (explanations) for most

of your points but some of these details comes off as repetition or irrelevant and this is where you can be

more concise. Example:

repeated:

which leads to the dumping of a huge amount of industrial waste into the surrounding environment.

= most industrialists found it cheaper to make the environment bear the brunt of the problem by using rivers,

open fields and grasslands as dumpsters

More specific approach to this idea:

With the dawn of industrial age, production process for most essential ideas, such as clothing and

medicine, became highly industrialized, consequently, leading to higher waste production due to

increased demands. Most industrialists found it cheaper to make the environment bear the brunt of

this problem and started using rivers and grass fields as dumpsters.

Tip: use conjunctive adverbs within sentences and relative clauses to summarize as much as possible.

This is 50-55 words against 100 words for the same idea.

Irrelevant: These details are irrelevant and/or repeated.

- On one hand, this enabled us to provide amenities to an increasing population, whereas on the other there

was a need for finding a responsible way to discard the refuse. - With the dawn of the industrial age, mankind

started creating food, chemicals, clothes and medicines in massive industrial buildings - A city needs fields to

grow food in, areas to put its garbage in and land to build houses

• Solution: place laws restricting such dumping in designated areas (underground tanks) – This will

stop the spillage of harmful gases/contamination? Supporting detail missing here. Always give

support to your point(s) and don’t leave anything for the examiner to understand/assume.

• Adding example at the end of BP(s) is not recommended. You need to comment (provide support) on

how/why this example adds up to your main idea so ending a paragraph with example is pointless.

Expected band score: 7.0 (can easily score 8.0 – 7 now due to repetition)

Coherence and Cohesion

Comments:

• Clear progression (problem + solution) is maintained throughout. This is easy for the reader to

understand.

• Some repetition limits clear meaning with excessive writing about the same idea. This can limit score

(as mentioned for TR)

• Conjunctions are naturally used.

• Linking words are accurately used but their use is mechanical at places.

• ‘However’ is repeated.

• Basic conjunction ‘and’ is over-used.

• ‘On the other hand’ and ‘whereas’ inaccurately used – this can seriously reduce your CC and

GRA score.

• Pronouns are accurately placed.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Using firstly/second/thirdly is not incorrect but this can be rather basic for someone at your level – use

more flexible linking devices to guide the reader.

• ‘Whereas’ and ‘on the other hand’ have the same meaning. Wrong use of linking words can limit

C&C to band 5 and also reduce GRA!!!

• Use more coordinating and correlative conjunctions – this increases cohesion and grammar score

as well.

• However is repeated. Use other subordinating conjunctions (even though, while, although, etc).

Expected band score: strong possibility of 7 but limiting it to 6 due to error – too harsh

maybe?

Lexical Resource

Comments:

• Wide range of vocabulary used.

• Words/Phrases are fluently and flexibly used to convey precise meanings.

• Uncommon lexical items are used and awareness of collocations can be noticed. (delicate balance,

put their byproducts, proliferation of industries, bear the brunt, urban sprawl, minimum acreage,

troubling development, etc)

• No spelling errors.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Examiners like different set of words used accurately together. This showcases your strong ability to

write flexibly. Otherwise, High-frequency words can often be mis-placed out of context. You do a great

job here!

Expected band score: 8.0

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Comments:

• Mix of simple and complex structures.

• Majority of sentences are error-free.

• Wide variety of complex sentence is not found but your use is accurate throughout.

• Relative clause ‘which’ is over-used.

• Verb forms are accurately used.

• Punctuation is error-less.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use more conjuctions (as mentioned earlier) as well as subordinating conjunctions.

• Never place whereas and on the other hand or ‘however/while/even though/although and but

together).

• Avoid excessively using the same feature – you need to showcase your ability to use different styles

accurately. This doesn’t lower your score a lot here because use of ‘which’ tends to be accurate.

• Make use of more complex features – refer to grammar notes.

Expected band score: 7.0 – you have the ability to score 8.0

OVERALL BAND SCORE = 7.0

TR 7.0 CC 6.0 LR 8.0 GRA 7.0

General comments: Zara, you hold strong language skills and have the ability to further strengthen your writing by being more specific with your ideas and by avoiding any mistake with the use of cohesive devices. Lexis and grammatical accuracy are your strong trait. Keep up the good work!

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