worldwide marriage encounter - passivation marriage... · 10:00-11:05 presentation 2 11:15- 12:15...

WorldwideMarriage Encounter

LANGUAGES OF LOVEOUTLINE

1/15/01

LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AS I HAVE LOVED YOUJohn 15:12

LANGUAGES OF LOVE

Advice page

• Read the book

• Try photocopying chapters so that you can each highlight things that reallystrike you as you re-read the book

• Decide what your own primary language is. Ask your spouse /presentingpriest /presenting couple and/or friends who’ve read the book to identify whatthey think is your primary love language. Be really clear that you know. Thisis a bit like making sure you’ve identified your personality style beforepresenting on the weekend.

• Make sure that you get to say a reasonable amount in presenting /illustratingyour primary love language. With any luck it will be different for all 3 of you.But remember that we all have bits of all of them so you should be able toillustrate with personal examples for each language.

• Feel free to alter who says what, according to each presenters strongest lovelanguages while aiming to strike a balance in how much each presenter says.It’s important to have the presenter as the person who resonates moststrongly with the point being made.

• Feel free to reword the “teachy bits” ie in standard text, so that you apply yourown cultural nuances and language styles.

• If it’s at all possible to use the babbling brook/dead sea analogy in talk 2, it willhelp to illustrate talk 6 quality time.

• Try not to be too serious, all the time, a sprinkling of humourous recollectionsworks well.

• The time length for each talk is a recommended maximum. How you arepresenting the sessions may dictate the time you have available.

• This worked best when we offered this as a full day formation, with three levelsof commitment to the day. 1 the formation only, 2 the formation plus stayingand having a dinner together and 3 the formation the dinner and an overnightstay at the conference centre with breakfast and Mass the next morning. Thethree costs allowed people to choose and be as involved as they wanted orcould afford.

• Don’t reveal your primary love language until session 8. You should all beillustrating all languages with your experiences.

• When demonstrating the methods to identify your primary language, speak onthe one that worked best for you. Allocate sections of this talk accordingly.

• We have sent you cartoons that have been adapted but just where copyrightissues stand, we just don’t know.

• We have created the overheads in MS Powerpoint and have put them inorder.

TIMELINEThe following is suggested for a 1-1/2 day experience:

SATURDAY:8:00- 8:30 Coffee & donuts (or whatever you planned for breakfast)8:30- 9:40 Presentation 110:00-11:05 Presentation 211:15- 12:15 Presentation 3

12:30- 1:30 Lunch

1:30- 2:30 Presentation 42:45- 3:45 Presentation 54:00- 5:15 Presentation 6

6:00- 7:30 Dinner

7:30- 8:30 Presentation 78:30-? Relationship Building Time

SUNDAY:8:30- 9:00 Coffee & donuts (or whatever)9:00- 10:10 Presentation 810:30- 11:40 Presentation 9

12:00 Lunch1:00 ? Mass

LANGUAGES OF LOVESESSION 1

WELCOME AND INTRODUCTION

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Presentation: 20 minutesExercise: 1 minuteDialogue: 30 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. WELCOME AND THANK YOUA. Give a warm welcome and thank them for taking time to enrich their

relationship (H/W, 1 min. total)

B. Nuts & Bolts (If these were done on Friday night – leave out) (H or W, 2-3 mins) 1. Time frames for Saturday & Sunday 2. Restrooms 3. Meal location 4. Check out procedure (drop off key at desk) 5. No maid service – if extra towels need, check with desk. 6. After dialogue tonight, the evening is yours. We’d suggest you use it to get to know

this great, big loving family gathered here. 7. Draw names of couple/priest you will be praying for this weekend. Get with them

at lunchtime or dinner if you can and get to know who they are and find out whatthey need prayers for.

C. Context and Structure of this Formation: (Priest or H - 1 minute) (Read as is)

“Let us bow our heads in prayer:” (Let us learn to love as You do)“Let us learn to love each other as totally and completely and unconditionally as you alwayslove us. You look at us, Lord, and see all our faults and weaknesses; you see our pettiness,our selfishness, our narrow-mindedness, our arrogance, and you still love us. You love usjust as we are with all of our flaws and imperfections. You love us without reservation orcondemnation. Teach us; Lord to love exactly as you do.

In Jesus name we pray, AMEN.”

“This formation hopes to deepen for us the living of the Marriage Encounter visionstatement; “love one another as I have loved you.” We will do that with you through a seriesof short presentations, approximately 20 to 30 minutes, followed by a dialogue (10/10), andthen some discussion within a small group, sometimes as a large group.”

II. Moments of intimacy and disillusionment-what goes right and works and what goeswrong!A. Introduce the topic of intimacy with the following:

1. (H - .5 minutes) “There are times in our lives when things seem so good and so easy.Our love is flowing between us, and we just seem to be in sync with each other. Ihave often wondered what it is about these times that make them so good, and whyit can’t be that way all the time. It isn’t always at momentous times, like being on the



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beach in Hawaii or something like that. It is usually at times when I just feel veryloved and worthwhile. These are special moments of intimacy that draw us togetheras a couple.”2. Share a moment of tenderness that gave you a deep intimate feeling with your

spouse. Remember that this doesn’t have to be a big major event. It should beone that touched you deeply. (H and W about 1 minute each)

B. Introduce disillusionment with the following:1. (H - .5 minutes) “At other times in our lives, there seems to be nothing that goes

right, and that there is nobody at our side to love us and support us. At thesetimes it is possible to get into deep disillusionment. At these difficult times wecan wonder why small difficulties can seem like deep chasms that keep us apart.We get down on ourselves and on everything and everyone around us. These donot have to be big things.”

2. Share a moment of deep disillusionment. Again this doesn’t have to be a majorevent. (H and W about 1 minute each)

III. The Decision to LOVE (Priest, if no Priest H or W - 1 minute) (read as is)A. Review the concept of “the decision to love”.

“Life is great when we live the unity that we are called to within God’s plan; a life ofintimacy and responsibility with one another. However life is also hard when we arewithin disillusionment. One of the great gifts of marriage encounter is to remind us allthat love is a decision! It is not just the great feelings - they result from the experienceof love. So even within the experience of disillusionment, even within the periods ofbeing in the desert, in the experiences of living in darkness, we have a way beyond, a waythrough - and that is by deciding to love! All of us have been touched by this conceptand have felt the power of living it! What a gift!

This formation is about helping us to decide to love in the best possible ways! For thereare many different expressions of love. I would expect that all of us at sometime haveexperienced our attempts to love having little or no effect on our spouse - this is equallytrue of our children.”

B. Love isn’t always seen the way we intend it (if no priest other spouse - 1 minute)Share a time when you tried to love your spouse - you did something for them or saidsomething to them that you meant to be loving but they did not interpret it as such, or itdid not have anywhere near the effect that your effort thought it would or should have.

C. Why don’t we always hear or understand what our spouse is trying to say?1. (H or W - 2 minutes) “So, what is it that sometimes makes our efforts to love each

other so difficult? Why is it that sometimes, no matter how we try, we cannot seemto love each other the way we want to? What happens to the love after marriage?During this weekend we would like to explore some ideas that will make it easier foryou to love each other fully, and to keep growing in intimacy. We will begin by



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reviewing a few of the concepts that will help us to understand why we get into theseseemingly impossible situations.One of the reasons why we can sometimes try to love our spouse and they don’t getthe message, or they misunderstand our intent, can be understood if we think of theway we express our love as being like a language. Each of us develops a primarylove language - a way in which we experience being loved and express our love mostpowerfully.”

“Let me give you an example. If I say:Insert a message of love from another language (Spanish, French, German, etc.…)(I express my love to you everyday)Some of you may have understood what I was saying, but many of you did not. Thiswas because I was speaking a language that was different from the one that youunderstand. You may have understood part of it, or got the gist of what I said, butit would not mean a lot to most of you.It is the same way with our love language. Just like our personality styles, we are ablend of all 5 of the love languages. But also like the personality styles, we have aprimary love language that we understand most easily. We want to be loved in thatlove language, and when we are not, the message does not come through as clearly.If I try to talk to (Your spouse’s name here) in (language used above) he/she may getsome of the words, and may get the meaning because of my body language; buthe/she will not really get the full message that I want him/her to hear. It is the sameway with the ways that I love him/her. He/She will appreciate it when I showhim/her love in any way, but he/she will not get the full benefit of my attempts tolove him/her unless I give it to him/her in the love language that he/she mostunderstands. It is like only getting 60 cents worth for each dollar I spend.”

2. Read 1 Corintians 13 versus 1 – 3 and 13: As follows (Other Spouse - 1 minute)“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only aresounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathomall mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have a faith that can move mountains, buthave not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my bodyto the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. And now these three remain: faith,hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (Explain this scripture passagetells us we must do all our communication with love-no matter what love languagewe speak, if it isn’t done in love for our spouse, they will not hear it.

IV. The Love TankA. Describe the concept of the Love Tank (Priest, if no Priest H or W - 2 minutes )

(Discuss how our basic needs are for love and affection. Our love tanks need to be filledon a regular basis. With out this we can misbehave just like children misbehave whentheir love tanks are empty. Some of the following can be used to help write this part ofthe presentation.)“At the heart of our existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.”



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God has given us Marriage, which is one way for us to meet that need for intimacy andlove.... The gift of priesthood and religious life is another way to meet that need forintimacy and love.However if love is important it is also elusive.All of us have experienced ourselves and listened to other married couples and priestsshare their secret pain. It usually is that our ‘love tanks’ are empty! Could it be that deepinside hurting couples and priests exists an invisible ‘emotional love tank’ with its gaugeon empty? Could the withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of thatempty tank? If we could find ways to fill it, could our marriages and the vocation ofpriesthood be lived more vibrantly? With a full tank would couples or priests be able tocreate an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolveconflicts? Could that tank be a key that helps marriage be more vibrant and priesthoodmore authentic?I believe the answer to all those questions is ‘Yes’. However the emotional love tankneeds regular filling just as we fill the car regularly. We are using that fuel every day,to live well.There is a saying that we need three hugs a day, for our emotional health it was anotherway of saying we need to fill up that emotional love tank every day, not just once a weekor once a month.The problem is that people have different connections to their hearts to fuel theseemotional love tanks. There are different languages that are needed for different people,to convey love into their emotional love tanks.This formation is about exploring these different connections or these different languagesof love - for we wish to be better, more effective lovers.”

B. Do the LOVE TANK EXERCISE. (Either H or W - 1 minute)Have each participant determine where their love tank is and fill the tank they have intheir workbook. Ask them to draw a line across the tank at the level they think they areat right now, and then to share that, without discussing it, with their spouse.

In Workbook, page_______

V. Summary of our Aim for the Enrichment (One spouse A, other spouse B about 3 minutestogether.)A. Discuss the 5 major love languages.

Explain we will be presenting the 5 major love languages based on the book of this tileby Gary Chapman. Explain we will be looking at many dialects and slang in order tounderstand our love language and our spouses so we can communicate more effectivelyto each other and keep those love tanks full. Remind them we are all a blend of theselanguages but like personality styles we have a dominant one. Also, just because Irespond to one love language doesn’t mean my spouse will respond in that samelanguage. We need to be responsible for identifying our own primary love language andcommunicate that to our spouse. This will help our spouse know what fills our love tank.Our spouse in turn needs to be responsible for meeting their need to be loved by



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identifying their primary love language and sharing that with you. Share the benefits ofknowing my spouse’s love language.

B. Concluding statementShare the importance of learning all the love languages before deciding which one istheirs. Remind them that this isn’t about how we want to love our spouse - it’s abouthow they interpret the love we give to them and speaking in a language that will most filltheir need to be loved. Explain what you are hoping for them, better communication ina more effective way. Also remind them again that we are a blend of these lovelanguages, only one will be more dominant. End with the following:

“In the long term, it would be great if we could become fluent in all 5 love languages -but let’s begin to walk before we start to run.”

VI. Dialogue & Sharing (one spouse)First discuss the rules for Group Sharing

“Group Sharing:All sharing is voluntary - although we hope that you will all take the opportunity to share.No commenting on or interrupting sharing, especially your spouse’s sharing.What’s said here, stays here.Remember, it is important to listen to your spouses sharing. So we remind you to listen toyour spouse and try not to share back to back.Don’t monopolize the sharing time.”

Motivation: (Say something like the following)Before we give you the Dialogue and Sharing Questions, we want to stress to you howimportant you are to us, and how important it is to us that you really work on yourrelationship to strive to make them the best that they can be. Our goal this weekend is togive you tools AND the ways to use them when you go home. If you don’t want to continueto grow in your relationships, then you are just taking up space in that chair. We care enoughabout you to challenge you to make this weekend an important step in your growth inintimacy.

Page _________ in the workbook:

DIALOGUE: What are my feelings as I begin this enrichment?10/10 - (30 minutes total)

SHARING: Share how you felt when your love tank was FULL during your dating days.What did you spouse do for you that made you feel so loved? (Share group procedure)20 minutes


TWO TYPES OF LOVE

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Presentation: 11 minutesDialogue: 30 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. Introductory statement Start with a reading from Song of Songs by Solomon 1:15 - 2:2(H/W - 1 minute)Husband: “Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, ah you are beautiful; your eyes are doves!”Wife: “Ah, you are beautiful, my lover-yes, you are lovely. Our couch too, is verdant;

the beams of our house are cedars, our rafters, cypresses. I am a flower ofSharon, a lily of the valley.”

Husband “As a lily among thorns, so is my beloved among women.”

Explain that these words are from King Solomon and his bride share these loving words asthey are experiencing their romantic love with each other.

Context: Exploring more deeply the two types of Love; Romance, and the Decision to Love.(Priest or H) (read as is)“In this session we wish to reflect on the two major types of love; one is the falling in loveexperience - romantic love as just expressed, and the other is the being in love experience -which in Marriage Encounter jargon might be thought of as living the decision to love.”

II. Falling in Love Stage Give an example from your life (W - about 4 minutes)A. Explain the Falling in Love stage. (Read as is)

“We want to recognize the “falling in love”, the romantic love experience for what it is:a temporary emotional high that comes and goes in waves. While the “being in love”,the decision to love is a constant everyday experience that leads to deep joy within ourhearts.Both types of love are good and most often romantic love comes first. We need to becareful not to confuse the two types of love. They are very different.Let’s take a look at romantic love or “falling in love”. Most of us enter marriage by wayof the “in love” experience. We meet someone whose physical characteristics andpersonality traits create enough electrical shock to trigger our “love alert” system. Thebells go off, and we set in motion the process of getting to know the person. At it’s peak,the “in love” experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. Doyou remember that - I do.”

B. Explain your romantic falling in love stage-when you first met etc.

C. ConclusionEnd with the following statement:“In the romantic falling in love experience, the danger is that sometimes we think thatwe have reached the pinnacle of love and it’s now just a matter of maintaining theexperience, or holding on to it. But that’s not a growth love. It is very much focused onitself, and can develop into a narrow love. It requires little effort, it’s running on its ownenergy and it’s just enjoyed for the now. Romantic love is pleasurable and easy, and


TWO TYPES OF LOVE

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necessary; but it won’t sustain our relationship long term.”

III. Being in Love Stage (H about 4 minutes)A. Explain the Being in Love stage

Start with the following statement:“So, does that mean that we have all been tricked into marriage by the illusion of beingin love? If that is the case, we have two options:1)We can live a life of misery with our spouse, or2)We can jump ship and try again.Our generation chose the second option, whereas most of the earlier generations choseto stick it out, many times in misery.The problem is that in this country, second marriages end up in divorce over 60% of thetime, and third marriages have a divorce rate over 75%. So much for the second choice.

So, what is the alternative? Research shows that there IS a third and better alternative.That is to recognize the falling in love experience for what it was- a temporary high- andnow pursue “real love” with our spouse. Real love, being in love, requires effort anddiscipline. One thing to remember, though, is that real love cannot begin until the“falling in love” experience has run its course.The “being in love” experience, while still being emotional in nature has other importantelements. It’s a love that unites reason and emotion and is then made within our ownwill. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the needfor personal growth. This love will make some difficult decisions for the sake ofgrowing. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love - but to be genuinely inlove with another. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees inme something worth loving. And in a similar way I need to learn to love for the sake ofthe other’s growth.”

B. Explain the differences between falling in love and being in love. The falling in love was easy – He/she was attractive, enthusiastic, fun to be with - andwe wanted to be with each other. Even in these circumstances falling out of love waseasy also - and when we fall out of love we can decide that it’s time to move on and startthe cycle again, with someone else, OR we can choose to love, to do something aboutrekindling that ‘flame’ of love which can burn so powerfully within us - and we can movefrom falling in love to ‘being in love’.

C. What does Being in love mean? I have to take responsibility for the quality of our love relationship. It means that I mustcontinually re-evaluate how effectively I’m sharing myself with her, and how my love isbeing revealed or hidden. It means that I sometimes have to make choices that deny methe easy pleasurable road through life - because there is no growth for US down thatroad.

D. Making that Decision to love:“So, there is good news for married couples who have lost all of their “in love” feelings


TWO TYPES OF LOVE

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that they had during the falling in love experience. We can make the decision to love,and work to the “being in love” stage. This way we can meet each others emotional needto feel loved and valued. If we can learn how to do this, and choose to do it, then thelove we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuatedwith each other.When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, thewhole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potentialin life.”

IV. Romance: Falling in love (W - 1 minute)What is the Falling in love experience?“If ‘falling in Love’ is not real love What is it? Dr. Scott Peck says that it is basically a wayto assure the continuation of the species. Whether or not you agree with that conclusion, wehave all had the experience of a ultrahigh emotional orbit and done things which later, wewonder what the heck we were thinking. Dr Peck gives us three indicators to help recognizethe ‘falling in love’ type of love; 1) it is not an act of the will, we are almost powerless tostop. 2) it requires little or no discipline or conscious effort, we would give up everythingfor that person if that is what it takes to make them happy; and 3) lack of genuine interest inthe growth of the spouse, they do not need to grow they are perfect just the way they are, justdo not change at all. We rejoice in Romantic love, nurture it and at the same time recognizeit for what it is, and that the average life span of this love is only 2 years.”

V. Decision to love: Being in love (H - 1 minute)“In a similar way there are indicators for us to evaluate our ‘Being in love’ experiences; They are 1) Emotional but not obsessive, it unites reason and emotion 2) it involves an actof the will and therefore requires effort and discipline and 3) it seeks personal growth forour spouse. Again we rejoice in the ‘Being in love’ experience and accept it, but we needto understand that our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinelyloved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.

In the next 5 sessions we will be discussing how to determine what the best way or what lovelanguage you understand that helps you feel loved and what to use to show your love to yourspouse. To show love in a way that you both understand, and will fill your love tanks to thetop. God has entrusted your spouse to you, to nurture her and bring her to her full potential.To achieve this you need to show them unconditional love. In the next 5 sessions we willshare with you, practical ways to do this.”

V. Dialogue and Sharing: (W)DIALOGUE: Recall a time of being in love (deciding to love). What are my feelings aboutthis?10/10 (30 minutes total)SHARING: Share a recent experience of deciding to love. What makes it difficult for youto love in this way?(Remind them of sharing rules if necessary.)No commenting on or interrupting sharing, especially your spouse’s sharing.


TWO TYPES OF LOVE

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What is said here, stay here.Remember, it is important to listen to your spouses sharing. So we remind you to listento your spouse with your heart and try not to share back to back.Don’t monopolize the sharing time.


LOVE LANGUAGE #1 - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

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Presentation: 17 minutesExercise: 8 minutesDialogue: 30 minutes

I. Describing the Love Language - Words of Affirmation (H - 1.5 minutes)“Okay, we are now ready to go into the discussion of the Five Love Languages, you can findthem listed on page ____ of your workbook, they are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time,Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. In this session we will deal with thefirst of them “Words of Affirmation”.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live two months on a good compliment.” If we take himliterally, six compliments per year would keep his love tank at the operational level. If yourspouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation, they will probably need a lot more than that.One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up your spouse,complimentary words. Solomon wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Verbalcompliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want.The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well beingof the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are farmore likely to be motivated to reciprocate.” Explain briefly what types of words of affirmation your spouse responds to: such as thanks,or words of appreciation etc.

II. Misinterpreting this language (W - 1.5 minutes)“If this is not your language of love, then there can be some cynicism or fear about its use.People who do not understand this language of love sometimes judge or interpret the wordsto be flattery or hollow. I know that sometimes when a compliment is given to me, I wonder- what do they want! Some people when they experience this love language see it asmanipulative rather than loving.Other time’s people can respond to this language with a cynical inner voice saying somethinglike - Sure! Words are cheap - where is the proof. Or like I sometimes do - I think they arejust saying it to be nice but don’t really mean it, because I don’t believe it myself.If we find this is a language of love that we use and people are not hearing our love withinour words, then maybe we can help them to hear our love by remembering a few things.Always be honest and real with your words of affirmation. It is better to say - “thanks Timfor talking to Bill and Noreen for us. I was really tired and needed to lay down”, rather thanbeing general and just saying “Thanks Tim for everything.” It is better to specifically sharethe things you are grateful for.Always remember that what you say is for the good of the other person, not to get somethingor soften the other for something you want. These simple suggestions begin to help othersto hear our words of love.”

III. A. Exploring Dialects (Priest if presenting and H and W should choose the dialects as theybest fit. Each explanation should only be about 1 to 1.5 minutes long. The explanationsof the dialects come from the LOVE LANGUAGES BOOK)



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“We would like to now begin to explore dialects within this language. Each of thelanguages has certain dialects, or variations within the basic language. The love languageof words of affirmation has a number of different dialects that we will explore with you;The affirming words might be encouraging type words, or focused on thanking, orfocused on your personal qualities or the difference the other means to your life. Let’sunfold some of the dialects of this language of love.”

B. Encouraging Words - explain dialect and give example“Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to yourspouse. Another dialect is “Encouraging Words”. The word “encourage” means “toinspire courage”. All of us have areas where we feel insecure or incapable. We lackcourage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive thingsthat we would like to do. That latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas ofinsecurity may await your encouraging words. With your encouragement, your spousecan become much more than he or she thinks they can. This satisfies a very importantpart of “Being in Love”-- it is focused on seeking growth for our spouse.”Give an example of giving encouraging words.

C. Kind Words - explain dialect and give example“In St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians he writes, “Love is kind”. So if we wish toconvey love verbally we need to use kindness. In this dialect, the manner in which wespeak is as important as the actual words. Our spouse feels our love through the kindnessof our words and the Tone of our voice.Sometimes our words are saying one thing and our tone of voice is saying somethingelse.”Give an example of sending a double message. For instance, if my spouse says:“Thanks so much for cleaning up your mess in the Garage!” in an angry tone, then saythe sentence again in a kinder tone that changes the meaning. Briefly discuss how ourtone can carry the real meaning of our words.“In this dialect when we use kind words - even to express a hurt or disappointment - thenwe are opening the door for forgiveness and reconciliation.”Give another example of kind tone, and the expression of how I feel about the situationand what that does to my behaviors. For example if my spouse says to me, “Why don’tyou take out the garbage today?” Even if he uses a ‘Kind Tone’, it puts me on thedefensive and I try to make excuses for my behavior. However, if he says something like,“I was really disappointed that you didn’t help me put out the garbage this morning!”Then I can focus on his feelings, rather than on defending myself. This allows me thespace to recognize how my behavior affects our relationship, and I can make choices tohelp heal us, rather than reacting from feeling cornered.“Remember that a soft answer turns away anger. When your spouse is angry and upsetand lashing out words of heat if you choose to be loving you will not reciprocate withadditional hot words, but instead with a soft voice. It is easier then to listen to the words,and feel the feelings behind the words that he is trying to communicate. If what he isangry about is caused because he misunderstood something that you did or said, you canexplain and ask for forgiveness without adding fuel to the fire.”



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D. Humble Words (Words of Request)“Another dialect within this love language is humble words or words of request. I havediscovered that some people don’t feel loved if I don’t share with them what I would likeor when I could use some help. Love makes requests, not demands. When I demandthings from my spouse, I become a parent and her the child. As a parent, we need to tellour children what they ought to do and sometimes what they must do. But in a marriagewe are equal adult partners. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need toknow each other’s desires. The way we express our desires, however, is all-important.If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of intimacy and will driveour spouse away. If, however, we make know our needs and desires as requests, we aregiving guidance, not ultimatums.The husband, who says, “You know those apple pies you make? Would it be possiblefor you to make one this week? I love those apple pies”, is giving his wife guidance onhow to love him and thus build intimacy. On the other hand, the husband who says“Haven’t had an apple pie since the baby was born. Don’t guess I’ll get any more applepies for eighteen years” has ceased being an adult and has reverted to adolescentbehavior. Such demands do not build intimacy.”

Give an example of being demanding and then humbling and the reaction that occurred.This experience doesn’t have to be with your spouse. It could be with your child, parentor someone close to you.

(Discuss how important as part of Worldwide Marriage Encounter, this is a languagewe have to learn, if it’s not natural to us. Because of the many needs and many requeststhat we ask of all couples and priests in the Movement, when we go to someone, it shouldbe done as a request, not a demand. As leaders, we have to call others forth to use theirgifts in a way that will enable them to grow rather than feeling pressured into jobs. Ifwe feel offended by someone’s “no”, then we were demanding, not requesting. We needto make sure we go to others in a way they feel loved by the request and can give aresponse in love with a yes or no.Through the eyes of people who have this as a primary language, when we make arequest, we are affirming their worth and abilities. Highlight the difference betweenrequests and demands. A request creates the possibility for an expression of love.)

E. Various Dialects“Within this language there are many dialects. All of the dialects have in common theuse of words to affirm one’s spouse. For example words of praise for what our spousedoes for us.”Give an example of affirming ones spouse with words of praise-be brief one sentenceshould do it.

“Words of thanks are another dialect in this language.” Give an example of thanking our spouse and our spouses reaction-again be brief.

“Another great dialect is indirect words of affirmation. What I mean by that is using



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words of affirmation – saying positive things about my spouse when they are not present.Eventually someone will tell him what I said and he is very pleased with the affirmingwords. But don’t just stop there, affirming your spouse in front of others when he ispresent is also a good way for us to express our love to our spouse in this love language.”

IV. Exercise (H or W - 8 minutes total)Explain how this following exercise will help us start to speak this love language if we arenot used to doing it? Often we internally affirm our spouse for so many things, but don’t takethe time to tell them verbally. Turn to exercise in the workbook (on page____ ).Take a few minutes and list some of your spouse’s positive traits. These are things that heor she does well, or things they do for you that you probably take for granted. There aresome simple examples below the list in the workbook.(Wait 3 minutes)Announce that they should share what they wrote with their spouse.(Wait 1 minute)Tell them to each take one or two of things they wrote on the list and express appreciationfor that trait VERBALLY to their spouse. Each takes a turn.

Go on to the next exercise- write down two things that you remember helping to make youfeel loved when your spouse has affirmed you for them in the past.(Wait 2 minutes)Suggest that when they go home, they should continue to practice doing this. Make anotherlist of good traits that your spouse has, and then once a week, or more, compliment them onit. You will be surprised at how much it will help your relationship.

COMMITMENT: At least once per week, verbally affirm your spouse for a quality orsomething that they do.

V. DIALOGUEHow do I feel when you use words of affirmation towards me?


LOVE LANGUAGE #2 - QUALITY TIME

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Presentation: 15 minutes2 Exercises: 9 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. Introduction: (Priest or H/W - .5 minutes)A. “In the last session we looked at the 1st love language Words of affirmation. In this

session we will explore the second love language - Quality Time. We are on page ____of the workbook. The essence of this love language is that spending quality time together,through sharing, listening, and participation in joint meaningful activities, communicatesthat we really care for and enjoy each other.”

B. Present the definition of quality time: “ Giving someone your undivided attention”(other spouse - 1 minute)“If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time, there is NOTHING that can replace itexcept taking time for him or her. The gift of your time is the gift of YOU, the gift ofyour love. Quality time is “giving someone your undivided attention.” “It doesn’t meansitting on the couch watching television together. Time spent that way is giving ABCor NBC your attention—not your spouse. What is meant by quality time is sitting on thecouch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other yourundivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you. Have you ever noticedhow you can tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple in therestaurant? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there andgaze around the restaurant. You would think they went there to eat.”“So, how do I take the time my spouse needs when I am so busy at work and have somany tasks to complete at home? If you are going to succeed in life, you need to take somuch time to do all those things. Just ask yourself- “when I am a success in my job andin my life, do I want my spouse to be there with me?”

II. Use of Quality timeA. Courting and early marriage (H or W - 1 minute)

Share courting and early marriage day’s use of quality time. What were the effects ithad on your love relationship?

B. Elements that took away from Quality Time (other spouse - 1 minute)Share some of the elements in our lives that began to take away this focus on each otherresulting in lack of intimacy. Describe the feelings.

C. Scripture relating to Quality Time (Spouse who did A - 1 minute)Read Luke 10: 38 - 42 and explain how Mary chose quality time with Jesus over tasks.Sometimes our personality styles can be roadblocks to us experiencing these lovelanguages. Jesus taught us the importance of balance in our lives. “As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose name wasMartha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary [who] sat beside the Lord at hisfeet listening to him speak. Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,“Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her



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to help me.” The Lord said to her in reply, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious andworried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the betterpart and it will not be taken from her.”

D. Explanation of focused attention on the other. (Spouse that shared in B - 1 minute)“The essence of togetherness within this language is not just being with the other.Togetherness has to do with focused attention on the other. “What makes one person feelloved emotionally is not always the same thing that makes the other person feel lovedemotionally.”“When my spouse speaks in my love language it is more meaningful to me. When hegoes out of his way to do it, (give an example of your spouse going out of their way todo something that pleases you), intensifies the meaning of the activity. When our spousedoes this, they are going out of their way to express LOVE through the love language ofQuality Time. For the person whose love language is quality Time, their love tank isfilled up at a much faster level.”“The essential aspect of quality time is togetherness. However, that doesn’t just meana close physical proximity. It is about focusing our hearts and minds on the other. Thistogetherness can be experienced via different dialects. Yet the togetherness needs certainelements to make it a language of love.”

III. Introduce dialects and variations (H or W)“Again within this language of love there are some dialects or variations. Couples andpriests can express their love through quality time in many different ways, such as (giveseveral examples of your thoughts of quality time).”“Let’s look at two of the dialects of this language of love.”

A. Explain Quality Conversation (H or W - 2 minutes)“The first is Quality Conversation, which is one of the most common dialects in thislanguage of love. It has two essential elements. The first is that we are sharing our innerselves – things like our dreams, hopes, successes, fears and struggles and not just externalthings. Secondly, that we share our feelings as well as our thoughts. Quality conversationis markedly different from the Words of Affirmation in our first language. In fact, it’squite the reverse. Words of Affirmation focus on what you say to fill up your spouse’slove tank, whereas quality conversation focuses on hearing what your spouse has to say.It’s how you listen that can begin to fill up your spouse’s love tank. The term ‘not talkingto each other’, doesn’t mean silence, but it usually means there is little or no sharing ofourselves, and/or our feelings. What is missing is intimacy in communication. Intimate,empathic conversation is an exchange, not just of words, but also of how it feels to liveeach of our lives at that time. It calls for vulnerability and openness on one side andtender listening on the other. This is not the time for problem solving, only listening andgentle, nurturing with questions that show a desire to really understand thoughts andfeelings.”



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B. Personal examples (Other spouse - 1-2 minutes) Share a simple example of offering your spouse time and presence but without focusedattention. Then share a contrasting example of real quality time with focused attention.What were the results-how did your spouse respond to your focused attention.

C. Listening is a key to Quality Conversation (Priest or H/W - 1 minute)(Intro how on our Weekend we learned about listening from the heart in our dialogue.Then go through the list below to review what they learned. You may want to add apersonal short sharing to some of these.)“All the guidelines for effective listening are important in the dialect of qualityconversation. It involves:1. Maintaining eye contact when your spouse is talking. It will keep your mind from

wandering and tells your spouse that they have your full attention.2. Listen to your spouse with your head and with your heart. Don’t try to do other

things while your spouse is speaking.3. Listen for your spouse’s feelings. Remember to ask questions to clarify what your

spouse is saying so you get a full understanding of what is being said.4. Observe body language - the non-verbals. Our body gives clues to the message that

is being relayed.5. Refuse to interrupt or quiz. Recent research has shown that the average person

listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. Thegoal here is to discover our spouse’s thoughts and feelings. My objective is not todefend myself or to set my spouse straight. It is to understand my spouse.”

D. Exercise: (Other Spouse - 4 minutes total)Introduce the fact that Quality conversation requires not only good listening, but alsoself-revelation. “Sometimes it is hard for us to open up and talk to our spouse about uncomfortable orred light feelings. But through dialogue we have learned the importance of sharing ourdeep feelings and the improvement in our relationship. Turn to the exercise in the workbook on page _____.”Explain the exercise to list three things that happened in the past day or two and theirfeelings about them. Give them a few examples like: The car that cut me off on thefreeway that caused angry feelings. Or going to the check out stand to find I forgot mywallet and I felt embarrassed. Give them a few minutes to do it.

(Wait 3 minutes)

Suggest they take this and do it at home. Do it daily, or weekly; but make sure that youtry it. If either of them has difficulty in talking, this will help a lot!

IV. Quality Activities (1 minute)A. Introduce quality activities (H/W)

“Another dialect is Quality Activities. Quality activities can include anything in whichone or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on



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why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk awayfrom it feeling “He/she cares about me. He/she was willing to do something with me thatI enjoy, and he/she did it with a positive attitude.” That is love, and for some people itis love’s loudest voice.The essential ingredients are at least one of you WANTS to do it, the other is WILLINGto do it, and both of you know why you are doing it – to express by being together.One of the great by-products of quality activities is that they provide a store of wonderful,intimate memories from which to draw in the years ahead.”

B. Personal examplesShort example of you offering the gift of sharing a quality activity that was important toyour spouse. Describe you feelings. (Other spouse)

C. Introduce and play the song. “Love is Something that we do” by Clint Black (4minutes)

V. EXERCISE & SHARING: (5 minutes)Explain how to do the exercise: Make two lists, individually, One list is the activities that youwould like your spouse to do with you, and the second list is the activities that you think yourspouse would like to have you do with them. Do this now.

(Wait 4 minutes, approx.)

Now share quietly with your spouse what each of you wrote.

COMMITMENT: At least once per month do an activity that your spouse would likeyou to do with them. This is a choice by you, not a requirement from your spouse.

SHARING:What new things did I learn in this presentation and exercise?(20 minutes)


LOVE LANGUAGE #3 - RECEIVING GIFTS

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Presentation: 16 minutesExercise: 3 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. Introduction of Love Language #3 - Receiving Gifts (Priest or H/W)A. Introduce and recap (5 minutes)

“We have looked at 2 of our five love languages, Words of Affirmation and QualityTime. In this session we will look at the Third love language of receiving gifts. We areon page _____ of the workbook. Gifts are a visual symbol of love. Dr. Chapmanexamined the cultural patterns surrounding love and marriage and found that in everyculture he studied, gift giving was a part of the love-marriage process. This lovelanguage seems to have no cultural boundaries.”

B. Explain what a gift is (Other spouse - B&C - 1 minute)“A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me”or “He remembered me”. You must be thinking of someone to give that person a gift.The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. To a person whose love language is receivinggifts, it doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought ofthem.”

C. Examples of gifts:“For instance, for you mothers - do you remember one of your children coming in fromout in the yard bringing you the gift of a flower. Even though you may not have wantedthat flower picked, you felt loved. It was the intent of the gift that had the meaning. Asa part of human nature, we seem to start the gift giving process at a young age. Visualsymbols of love are more important to some people than to others. If receiving gifts ismy primary love language, gifts like my wedding ring are very important to me and I willwear it with pride. I will be emotionally moved by gifts that are given to me over theyears of our marriage. If receiving gifts is my primary love language I may question yourlove by the lack of your gifts to me.”

D. Personal example of receiving gifts (H/W - 1 minute) Recall a time when you received a gift and experienced the power of being loved in thislanguage. Recall your feelings.

II. Hidden gifts/Communication of love (Priest or H/W - 1 minute)A. Tell the story

“Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items purchased or made. Giftsdemonstrate that you care, and they represent a tangible sign of the value of therelationship.”“There is a Story that means a lot to me. It is about a missionary priest teaching inAfrica. He taught the native people how as an expression of their joy, appreciation orlove, it was a custom among his people to give to those special to you a gift. OnChristmas morning, one of the natives brought the missionary a seashell of lustrousbeauty.



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When asked where he had discovered such an extra-ordinary shell, the native said howhe had walked for two days through the rain forest, up the mountain and down to thecoast to a certain beach, the only spot where such seashells could be found. Then, withgreat care he returned over three days.“I think this shell is just so beautiful and a wonderful gift,” the priest exclaimed.His eyes brightening, the African replied: “Journey, also part of gift.”The journey being part of the gift is an important thing to remember when receivinggifts.”

B. Reaction to the storyComment on how this story applies to you and how you perceive receiving gifts, in thelight of the concept. Give a brief example. (Priest and/or H/W - 1 minute)

III. The Language of Receiving gifts (W/H)A. How does a gift affect us? (1 minute)

Give a brief example. Then add:“If however your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, the good news is thatthis is definitely the easiest language to learn. Becoming a proficient gift giver onlyrequires you to understand that it is not the value of the gift that is important, just thatyou understand that you are handing over some form or symbol of your love.”

B. Exercise: (3 minutes)“We are on Page _______ of the workbook”1. “In the workbook, make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement

about receiving through the years. These gifts would be ones from you and fromothers.”

2. “Now list at least 2 things that your spouse gave you that helped you feel loved andspecial.”

C. Gift giving (1 minute) Share some ideas on gift giving. Make it spontaneous. We are EXPECTED to give giftsfor birthdays and anniversaries. This shows some love, but the true love comes out whenyou do it for no reason at all, or for some silly reason like Beethoven’s Birthday orSweetest Day.

“If receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, almost anything you give willbe received as an expression of love. If he or she has been critical of your gifts in thepast and almost nothing you have given has been acceptable, then receiving gifts isalmost certainly not her primary love language.”

D. Personal sharing on importance of receiving gifts (One Spouse - 1 minute) Explain how you feel receiving gifts, how it is important to you and how it feels. Give anexample of receiving a gift that is precious in your eyes and explain how it felt.



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E. Personal sharing on importance of giving gifts (Other spouse - 1 minute) Explain how you feel giving gifts. How is it important to you and how does it make youfeel.

IV. Draw backs to GiftsA. Our Perception of Money and spending it. Suggestion: Husband and wife can

determine who spends and who is the saver, then write the appropriate parts. (A&B - 3minutes)1. When spending money comes easy.

“This language can also create some particular tensions despite its seemingly positiveface. It won’t be a surprise to you that we all have an individual perception of moneyand we have various emotions associated with spending it. Some people feel goodabout themselves when they are spending money. Others feel good about themselveswhen they are saving money and investing it wisely.If you are a spender like me, then you will have a great time buying gifts for yourspouse.”

2. When spending money is hard. Give a brief example of feeling uncomfortable about spending money to buy a gift/s.How does that affect your relationship?

B. How to become an effective gift giverBecoming an effective gift giver I need to change my attitude about money. RememberI am investing in our relationship and that in turn fills up my spouses love tank.“Dr. Chapman reminds us that by investing in loving our spouse we are buying BlueChip shares.”

C. The Value of the gift is in the eyes of the beholder. (Priest or H/W - 1 minute)“It is also important to remember that the value of the gift is in the eye of the beholder.Gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals,their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.”Recall an incident that illustrates this point, i.e. a time when you received a well-intentioned gift that did not hit home for you.

V. The Gift of Self (W or H does A)A. Speaks loudest in times of crises (.5 minutes)

“There are times when just being there, offering the Gift of Self, can be the mostpowerful gift you can give. There is no need for flowers or words; your physical beingbecomes the visible symbol of your love. It seems to speak loudest in times of crisis andcan be louder than any gift purchased or made. As the Gift is “self”, it can actually meetthe needs of several languages.”

B. Personal sharing on receiving gift of self (Both H/W share briefly about 1 min. each)Give an example of a time of crisis when your spouse/someone else was just there foryou, perhaps even powerless to do anything, but very obviously present for you.Describe how it felt receiving that gift.



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VI. Commitment-Challenge and Sharing Groups (The commitment below has a challenge!-read the commitment, then make the challenge!!)

COMMITMENT: “At least once per month, surprise your spouse with a gift of love.Remember, it can be a simple wild flower or a night out to dinner, but it needs to besomething you give in order to lift up your spouse with your love.”

CHALLENGE: All 5-love languages challenge us to give of ourselves to our spouse.Giving is at the heart of loving. Challenge them to give their spouse a gift once a month.Change the challenge to make it once a week! Remember, the gift is a sign of your love, anddoes not have to be something you purchase. It can be a poem, a flower, a card in the mail,a note on her pillow. Use your imagination here. You can do something simple like getsome little wooden hearts. Hide them in unusual places so that your spouse will find themunexpectedly, and know that they are thinking about you. Then the other spouse takes theheart and hides it in some place where it will be found, like in his/her clothing in the suitcaseon a business trip! You can have a great time with this. And it is inexpensive to boot!

SHARING QUESTION:How important is giving/receiving gifts to me in expressing or experiencing love?


LOVE LANGUAGE #4 - ACTS OF SERVICE

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Presentation: 15 minutesExercise: 5 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. Introduction of Love Language #4 – Acts of Service (W/H- 1 min. total)(W) “This session is exploring the fourth major love language; Acts of Service. By acts ofservice, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. (Your spouse’sname) seeks to please me by serving me. To express his love for me he does things for me.These acts of service can require little planning and can be done quickly without muchthought such as (enter simple acts that you see as acts of service such as picking up shoes,or putting away clothes). Or these acts can need more planning and effort such as (Morecomplex acts of services-painting a room, etc.)”

(H)“Typical acts of service that show me love are (your spouse’s name) (enter simple acts thatyou see as acts of service such as organizing our activities, mowing the lawn, cleaning outthe car or truck or initiating a sexual interlude). But typically these acts require somethought, planning, time, effort and energy. But they only fit as expressions of love in thislanguage if they are done with a positive spirit.”

(W)“There are two important points we want to make clear. One is, the act of service I give to(your spouse’s name) is what he determines as an “act of service”. And the second point isthat the act of service I give to (your spouse’s name) is my choice.”

II. Examples of Acts of Service (H/W - 4 minutes total) A. Christ example of an act of Service: (Priest or H - 1 minute)

John 13: 3 – 17 “Fully aware that the Father had put everything into his power and that he had come fromGod and was returning to God, he rose from the supper and took off his outer garments.He took a towel and tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin andbegan to wash the disciples’ feet and dry them with the towel around his waist. He cameto Simon Peter, who said to him, “Master, are you going to wash my feet? Jesusanswered and said to him, What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you willunderstand later.” Peter said to him, “you will never wash my feet.” Jesus answeredhim, Unless I wash you, you will have no inheritance with me.” Simon Peter said to him,“Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well.” Jesus said to him,“Whoever has bathed has no need except to have his feet washed, for he is clean all over;so you are clean, but not all.” For he knew who would betray him; for this reason, hesaid, “Not all of you are clean.”So when he has washed their feet [and] put his garments back on and reclined at tableagain, he said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you? You call me ‘teacher’and ‘master’, and rightly so, for indeed I am. If I, therefore, the master and teacher havewashed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet. I have given you a model to



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follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do. Amen, amen, I say to you, noslave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him. Ifyou understand this, blessed are you if you do it.”

(Husband comment here on Jesus message to us ) Jesus gave his disciples a simple actof service, washing of their feet to show love. He asked his disciples to love one anotherand use his example.

B. Give an example of an act of service for each other that helped you feel loved.(W/H - 1 min. total) Share a personal example

C. Share examples of acts of services by which you express love to others in yourparish or religious community (PRIEST or H/W - 2 minutes)

“In Marriage Encounter we use acts of service by . (List thetypes of local customs that your community makes/does/use to make weekends specialfor weekend participants) Couples on weekends feel the love of our wide communitythrough these acts of service.”

III. Impediments to Acts of ServiceA. Performance before marriage doesn’t guarantee the same performance after the

wedding. (W - 1 minute)“What we do for each other before marriage is not an indication of what we will do aftermarriage. Before marriage we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession.After marriage we revert to being the people we were before we ‘fell in love.’ Ouractions are influenced by the model of our parents , our own personality, our perceptionsof love, our emotions, needs and desires. Only one thing is certain about our behavior:it will not be the same behavior we exhibited when we were caught up in being ‘in love’.”Give an example of an act of service that your spouse used to do for you in the earlyyears and you assumed would continue forever. Contrast it with the very different hereand now. Choose examples that seem polarized to make the contrast clear.

B. Love is a choice - The decision to love our spouse (H - B&C - 2 minutes)“Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Requests give direction to love, demands stopthe flow of love. By making requests of each other rather than demands, we give ourspouse the choice of making the decision to love. Criticism and demands, as we allknow, tend to drive wedges between us. With enough criticism my spouse mayacquiesce to my demands and do what I want, but it will not be an expression of love.”

C. Doormat or Lover?“Making demands can be seen as treating our spouses as objects. In that case wepreclude the possibility of love. If I manipulate my spouse by guilt, (“If you were a goodspouse you would do this for me) or coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will besorry”) this is not the language of love. No person should ever be a doormat. Allowing



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oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. When we allow thiswe are allowing our spouse to develop inhumane habits. Love says, “I love you too muchto let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.” Instead, we can give guidanceto love by making requests like “I wish you would…” but I cannot create the will to love.That is my spouse’s decision, to love me and do the act of service I have requested.”

Share a time when a demand for an act of service was changed into a request and whatwas the response. How did this affect your relationship?

D. Criticisms and demands leave us empty (W - D&E - 2 minutes)“Criticisms and demands can dry up our love tanks, but in fact the criticism from yourspouse can be a clear clue as to their primary love language. People tend to criticize mostloudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Theircriticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. But in this case, we can use thecriticism to clarify their needs. With this insight, you can choose to put your spouse’sneeds as a request and may well surprise your spouse by your positive response.”

E. Stereotypes“Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to reexamine ourstereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. We must be willing to break away fromthese stereotypes, no matter what love language our spouse speaks, if our spouse askssomething of us that seems inappropriate to our role. Remember, whatever yourperceptions, chances are your spouse perceives marital roles somewhat differently thanyou do. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to expresslove more effectively. There are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there aretremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse.”Briefly share a stereo type I would have to overcome to show you love as an act ofservice.

IV. Acts of Service – other dialects (4 minutes total)A. Performing acts of service our way (W/H)

1. “Sometimes with the best intentions in the world, we can perform an act of servicebut do it our own way rather than the preferred method of our spouse.”

2. Give an example of your spouse doing a simple act of service for you but doing it ina way far removed from your preferred way. In disregarding your preference, yourspouse is limiting the love communicated.

B. Communication of love (H/W)“In loving relationships, it is not uncommon for us to speak in the language of love, ‘actsof service’, because we often do things for our spouse as a decision to love on our partand assuming they will appreciate our gesture. Unless this is your primary lovelanguage, it may be that you do not necessarily hear your spouse’s decision to love asmessages in this language. I know that can certainly happen for me.”



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Briefly illustrate this with an example of your spouse offering you love through an actof service and you not recognizing it. This can be taking such acts for granted withoutrecognizing them as gifts of love.

C. Support by acts of service (W/H)1. “When we are under pressure, those close to us often give us support by acts of

service and they give us encouragement and nurture us. Often what nurtures us moredeeply is when we least expect the act of service. When we are surprised by ourspouses’ love for us.”

2. Briefly share an example and describe how that feels.

D. Acts of service that are special (H/W)1. “It’s much easier to notice an act of service when it’s special rather than just one of

the routine tasks.”2. Give a brief example of an act of service that your spouse has done that is out of the

ordinary and how appreciative you are of it. Then contrast your lack of appreciationfor another act of service your spouse does that is a routine task. Your lack ofappreciation for that loving act can destroy the gift of love that accompanies the actof service.

VI. Prayer: “Doing our share” (Prayers for Married Couples) page ____ in workbook (1 min)

Instructions:This time we’re not going to have a dialogue. Instead you are going to spend 5 minutespreparing lists of Acts of Service you would like to receive and then discuss them with yourspouse. After that, we would like you to go to your sharing group for 20 minutes.


LOVE LANGUAGE #5 - PHYSICAL TOUCH

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Presentation: 17 minutesSong: 4 minutesExercise & Dialogue: 30 minutes

I. Introduction: (Priest or H)“This is the last of Chapman’s languages we will share with you. It is the love language ofphysical touch. Let’s explore some aspects of this language.”

II. Explanation of Physical touchA. Explain the study on physical touch (PRIEST or H - 1 minute)

“Physical touch, as a gesture of love, can reach to the depths of our being and really helpfill our emotional love tanks. As a love language – physical touch is a powerful form ofcommunication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionatelovemaking.The following story reinforces the power of touch in conveying love.In England during the Second World War, there was a special hospital set up for orphanbabies. It was given the best equipment and medicines of the day. However, someonenoted different outcomes in two different wards. Those babies were fed the same food,received the same medical treatment, and the environment seemed the same. However,the babies in one ward were healthy and developing well, while those in the other wardfailed to thrive, and were often unsettled.A study was set up to see what was happening. The study concluded that the onlydiffering factor between the two wards was that in one, the ward sister allowed the nursesto pick up the babies and nurse them and talk to them for long periods each day. In theother ward, the babies were fed in their cots and were rarely picked up and nursed orcuddled.The result was that another instruction was included on the history of all babies. ‘Thisbaby must be nursed and cuddled regularly throughout the day and night.’”

B. Explain tactile receptors (W - 1 minute)“Let’s explore the physical aspects of “Physical Touch”.“Of the five senses, touching, unlike the other four, is not limited to one localized areaof the body. Tiny, tactile receptors are located throughout the body. When thosereceptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain. The brain interpretsthese impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard orsoft. It causes pain or pleasure. We may also interpret it as loving or hostile. Some partsof the body are more sensitive than others. The difference is due to the fact that the tinytactile receptors are not scattered evenly over the body but arranged in clusters. Thus,the tip of the tongue is highly sensitive to touch whereas the back of the shoulders is theleast sensitive. The tips of the fingers and the tip of the nose are other extremelysensitive areas. Our purpose, however, is not to understand the neurological basis of thesense of touch, but rather its psychological importance.”



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C. Explain Bible references to touching. Lk. 8:43-48 (H - 1 minute)LUKE 8:43 – 4843And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,D but noone could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, andimmediately her bleeding stopped. 45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing againstyou." 46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me." 47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell athis feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how shehad been instantly healed. 48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you.Go in peace."

“In the bible there are over 90 specific references to touching and how the touch has ahealing affect. Our Lord used touch as a message of His love for His people. Lovingtouches are a basic of love, no matter what your primary language.”

III. Common expressions of physical touchA. Share common expressions of physical touch as expressing love. (W or H - 1 minute)

“I’m sure you can all think of common expressions of physical touch that express love.Watch a couple walking down the street, the minute they start holding hands, you knowthey are showing more than just a fondness for each other. And some of us may have hadan Aunt Mable, who just had to pinch our cheeks every time she saw us. It’s just her wayto show you LOVE through physical touch! Kisses and hugs are yet another way we can share our love with each other throughphysical touch. Another common expression is the couples at the movies, sitting on apark bench or riding in their cars with her snuggled up close and his arm around hershoulder. This can lead to sexual intercourse another physical touch.”

B. Describe aspects of physical touch/sexual touch (H or W - 1 minute)“When we talk about physical touch as a love language, it is important to think of touchas having a broad spectrum. Just like those babies, we all thrive on touch. Sometimesit can be assumed that what this language is about is physical love and that what wereally mean by that is sexual touch. However, sexual intercourse is only one dialect ofthis marvelous language, touch encompasses so much more. It is possible, or course, tohave physical touch as your primary love language without including sexual touch, forwhatever reason. Just as it is distinctly possible to have a rich and fulfilling sexual lifewithout physical touch being your primary love language.”

C. Share experiences of touch expressed as a language of love. (H/W - 2 minutes)Give an example of your spouse’s use of this language to express love to you.



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IV. Dialects of Physical TouchA. Touching sensations (H/W - 2 minutes) H to do introduction

“Physical touch can make or break a relationship. We can perceive the sensation oftouch as pain or pleasure, or we can interpret it as something loving or hostile. A slapis detrimental to any child, but it is devastating to one whose primary love language istouch.A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to those kids whoseprimary love language is physical touch.”Give an example of receiving love in the form of touch during your childhood.

B. Touches are not created equal (2 minutes total)

“All touches are not created equal, and even the same touch can be received differentlyon different occasions. Some touches will bring more pleasure than others.”Give a brief example of a positive and negative touch. (W)

“Touches may be simple and only require a moment.” Give one or two brief examples. (W)

“On the other hand, touches may be explicit and require your full attention.”Give a brief example. (H)

“If your spouse’s primary love language is touch, you will need to experiment and learntheir particular dialect and discern what love touches tell them you love them and whatthey find uncomfortable. If they love back massages, the time and expense of classes orbooks may be a great investment, or if sexual intercourse is their primary dialect thenreading and discussing can also be a good investment for your spouse. The point is, weneed to be considerate and aware of how we touch, what pleases them and what does not,what is appropriate and what is not. Society has rules for out side the marital relationshipand each couple must set up their own. It must be stated however that abuse is never totolerated or condoned. What is most important is for the touchee to feel free to givefeedback on whether a touch is pleasurable or not. Don’t make the mistake of thinkingthat the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to your spouse!” (H)

C. Touch in times of crises (W/H - 1 minute)“Almost instinctively, in times of crisis, humans hug or physically reach out to oneanother. It is at these times that our greatest need is to seek the reassurance of love.”Give an example of how touch in a time of crises filled your love tank.

V. Priest explores the love language of touch-how he expresses/receives it. (1 minute)How does it fill his love tank?(If no priest is presenting this talk, H or W share their experience of their relationship withpriests in the context of accepting or rejecting touch.)



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VI. Sexual Touch and intercourse (W/H)A. The body is for touching. (2 minutes total) (H) Reads the quotes as is

“Dr. Chapman says, ‘The body is for touching. Whatever there is of me resides in mybody. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distanceyourself from me emotionally.”

A1. Respond to “To touch my body is to touch me” (W)

A2. Respond to “To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself form meemotionally” (H)

B. Explore the dialect of sexual touch and intercourse and how this impacts yourrelationship. (H/W - 2 minutes)Perhaps explore your perspectives on sexual touch in earlier years and since your MEweekend. How does this fill your love tank?

VII. Introduce and play the song. “Hold Me In Your Arms” - Southern Sons (Pillow Talk -track 7) (4 minutes)

VIII. EXERCISE & DIALOGUE“We are only having dialogue time for this session. Before you begin your dialogue, we havean exercise for you to do on page ____ of the workbook. Use a rating scale of 1-5, where 1is not at all pleasurable, and 5 is highly pleasurable. On the left side of the page marked ‘yourspouse’ is a box to write in what you believe your spouse would rate this touch. On the rightside marked ‘your rating’ put in your rating of each physical touch. Take a couple of minutesto fill out the check list, and then do a 10/10 on the question:

What do I consider a pleasurable sexual touch? DILD! Enjoy!

You will then have the rest of the evening by yourselves to explore the love language ofphysical touch.”


DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE

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Presentation: 17 minutes max.Exercise: 20 minutesSharing: 20 minutes

I. Introduction (Priest or H or W - 1 minute)“In this sharing we would like to explore some ways of discovering what our primary lovelanguage is and what the primary love language of our spouse is? It would be great ifeveryone spoke all these languages, and understood all these languages. It would mean loveflows more vibrantly and freely in our lives and in our world. But the reality is that, we donot.We might think that we understand all these languages, and that may be true, but all of ushave a primary love language that speaks most directly to our need for love. The otherlanguages help nurture our emotional love tanks, but there is a language that has the mostdirect flow.”

II. Explain the difficulties in making a clear decision about your primary love language

after reading the whole book. (A: H/W/P - 1 min. each) (B&C: H - 1 min.) (D: W - .5 min)about 4.5 minutes total

A. Discovering our primary love languageReassure the participants that it is not an automatic answer. Judgment should beconsidered rather than an instant decision. H/W/P each share the process you wentthrough to discover your primary love language (1 minute each).

B. Dominant love languageAgain, we all have elements of all five-love languages much as we have elements of the4 personality styles. We need to find the love language that has the most direct flow oflove.

C. Men shouldn’t assume their love language is Physical TouchWarn against the mistake common to many men: assuming that “Physical Touch” istheir primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely. Themale’s desire for sexual intercourse has a physical root. Sexual desire is quite differentfrom the emotional need to feel loved. If a male does not enjoy physical touch at othertimes and in nonsexual ways, it may not be his love language at all.

D. Put them at ease“If you are feeling confused, then please bear with us as we hope to help you find someways to learn your primary love language. There are three questions that can help youidentify your own language. We will go over those now.”

III. Three questions to ask ( about 2 –3 minutes per question)A. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? (H or W)

“One insight into your primary language could come from your red light feelings, most



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particularly your hurt when you perceive your spouse has failed you. In asking thequestion “What does my spouse do or fail to do that hurts me most deeply?” you mayfind a clue. What hurts you most may expose your greatest need for love and thus yourlove language.” Give an example that illustrates clearly how your hurt at not being lovedin a language makes obvious the fact that it is your primary love language. Comment onthe example's effect on your love tank.”

B. What have I most often requested of my spouse? ( Priest or other spouse)“A second insight into your primary love language might come from other red lightfeelings, like frustration and anger resulting from unmet needs. If you look back overyour marriage and ask yourself the question, “What have I most often requested of myspouse?” You may discover that if your spouse had done what you had always beenasking for, your love tank would have been full more often. Give an example of how thisquestion helped you identify your primary love language. Comment on the example’seffect on your love tank.”

C. In what way do I regularly express love to my spouse? ( H or W)“A third insight into your primary love language could come from your green lightfeelings associated with what you do or say to let your spouse know that you love them.Ask yourself the following “In what way do I regularly express love to my spouse?”Your method of expressing love may indicate a way that your spouse could make youfeel loved. With all three insights, but particularly this one, your answer to the questiongives only a possible clue to your love language; it is not an absolute indicator. Give anexample of how this question helped you identify your primary love language. Commenton the example’s effect on your love tank.”

IV. Some helpful hintsA. Explain and Discuss bilingual. (H or W - 1 minute)

“You may still be struggling to sort out your primary love language in your mind and thatis okay. It took us a while to work it all out and it may take you more time also. So afew last minute hints my help. You could be bilingual-having two love languages thatyou see as filling your love tank.” Warn against the immediate assumption of being “bilingual”. The good part of beingbilingual is that the spouse has an easier task.

B. Two kinds of people will struggle to identify their love language-explain. (Priest orother spouse - 1 minute)“ Two kinds of people can have difficulty identifying a primary language. First, thosewhose emotional love tank has been full for a long time and so find it difficult to clarifywhat is missing. An the second type are those whose love tanks has been empty for solong that they can’t remember. Either way, reflecting back to the early times of fallingin love may help you to identify what you liked about your spouse back then.”



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C. Explain the Love tank game (H or W - 1 minute)“Another help could be a game that Dr. Chapman calls “Tank Check”. It is simple toplay. The next time you come home, one of you says to the other, “On a scale of zero toten, how is your love tank tonight?” Zero means empty and 10 means “I am full of loveand can’t handle any more.” You give a reading on your emotional tank between 1 – 10indicating how full it is. Your spouse then says, “What could I do to help fill it?” Makea suggestion – something you would like your spouse to do or say that evening. To thebest of his ability, he will respond to your request. Then you repeat the process in thereverse order so that both of you have the opportunity to do a reading on your love tankand to make a suggestion toward filling it. If you play the game for three weeks, you willbe hooked on it, and it can be a playful way to stimulating love expressions in yourmarriage. By keeping records on the love tank check game it can help indicate whatyour primary love language is.”

V. Explain the Discover ExerciseTurn to the exercise in the workbook and explain how each spouse should write down theiranswers then share with their spouse. Give them plenty of time to do this (10 -15 minutesshould do it)

VI. Commitment“Put on your calendar a way to reinforce your desire to love your spouse in his/her lovelanguage. Maybe include it in one of your dialogues.”

VII. Group Sharing question: What did I discover in this session about myself and how I need to love my spouse?

LANGUAGES OF LOVESession 9

Dialogue as a Language of Love

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I. Introduction: Love Language #6 Dialogue (Priest or H or W - 1 minute)“We all know the benefits of choosing to love in the language of our spouse; it can help healpast wounds and provide a sense of security, self-worth, and significance. It helps fill theiremotional love tank so they are supported to love and be the best possible person they canbe. The instinctive qualities of merely falling in love are a beautiful experience but theydiffer greatly from our decisions to love at the level of our will, which nurture the deepemotional needs of our spouse.I think it is true to say that our ME weekend made this clear to us and also this formation hasreminded us, maybe with some new insights.Yet we know from experience that the changes we hope for in ourselves or in our spouse orin our relationship will not be maintained by this experience no matter how strong or howclear it all is to us. We have had the experiences before; the clear vision, and the powerfulflow of love in our hearts. ‘We have been there, done that’.”

II. Dialogue - 3 conversionsA. Describe the 3 conversions (H or W - 1 minute)

“This formation has helped two things to happen within us.”1. “Another conversion of heart. This happens every time we take responsibility for our

feelings and are willing to share them with our spouse in a listening and acceptingway. Our intimacy grows and we begin to feel the joy and peace that comes fromintimacy.”

2. “We have also had another conversion of mind. This happens every time we takeresponsibility for our thoughts. We begin to learn and understand more deeply whatmakes up the path of love. It is an intellectual conversion.On our first Sunday night after our original Marriage Encounter weekend, we thoughtwe were changed, and here again via this formation we think we have changed. Wewere and we have changed! Our hearts and minds have been touched and converteda little more. However, tomorrow and next week, and next month, we will probablyexperience the recurrence of our old ways of thinking, speaking and acting anddiscover they are still very much with us. We need a way to continue the conversionof heart and mind and also begin a conversion of our habits or behavior. Dialogueis the tool we have been given to help this happened and again we want to expresshow important this is to us.

3. The third important conversion is conversion of habit. It happens every time wemake those daily decision to love and incorporate our loving not just in our dialogue,but also in all aspects of our lives.”

B. Personal reflection on the 3 conversionsGive simple and brief examples of each of these conversions (each spouse can take oneor one spouse can give all three examples - 2 minutes)

C. Your feelingsBriefly describe your feelings after reading Dr. Chapman’s book and preparing the talks,showing a conversion of heart, perhaps like the weekend experience or writing othertalks. (H or W - 1 minute)



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“Another conversion of heart has happened. These languages helped us to understandwhy our best efforts to love each other sometimes misfired. We had another conversionof mind.

D. Experience of applying the love language concept to your relationshipDescribe your experience of applying this new knowledge since reading the book andworking on the talks. How has it all affected your love tanks and how has it affectedyour Being-In-Love experience? This could all be described as a conversion of habit.(One spouse - 1 minute)

III. How can we keep a hold on the intimacy and joy? (2 minutes total)A. What we need to consider (H or W)

“The question we are now asking ourselves is “what can we do to keep a hold on theintimacy and joy that has flowed from talking in these languages?”Part of the Being-In-Love experience is the cycle of Disillusionment and Joy. They arethe two sides of the same coin. We know that we can revert to our old ways whensomething triggers a new disillusionment phase in our journey.”

B. Journey of dialogue (Other spouse) Describe how disillusionment affects your dialoguing. How is the cycle ofdisillusionment and joy played out where your dialogue is concerned? Do you find thatthe urge to dialogue decreases as intimacy grows? So what happens when you make thedecision to love and continue to dialogue despite the drop in incentive i.e. a need to builda decreased intimacy? “It’s when we make a choice to continue to dialogue and deepen the intimacy and joy thatour conversion of habit strengthens. That’s why we’ve called dialogue the sixth languageof love. It is another way to express your love to your spouse.”

IV. Dialogue helps with Self-Knowledge (H or W - 1 minute)A. How we discover more about ourselves through dialogue

“When we dialogue, we can also grow in self-knowledge. If you use the 5 questions ofdialogue (deeper dialogue) as we sometimes do, new insights can come from consideringour thoughts, behaviors, unmet needs and what choices we could make for the sake ofour relationship. For me, as the reader, it’s a glance at the discoveries (spouse) makesabout themselves. It fulfills my desire to seek personal growth for her/him, againdeepening the Being-In-Love experience.In the spoken part of the dialogue, it is my chance to focus on (spouse’s) feelings. Thatis when I can find out just how it feels to be her/him at that time, to walk in her/his shoes.In the end, intimacy will only be nurtured when I begin to share her/his feelings. It issharing the feelings and walking in our spouses’s shoes, that makes a change to ourintimacy.”

B. Languages of Love and Dialogue (W) “So, we can tell that we have been experiencing conversions of heart, mind and habitthanks to discovering these concepts of the Languages of love. We certainly have beeninspired to continue using not only Dr. Chapman’s Love Languages but also to return toregular dialogue.”



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V. Commitment, Dialogue and closingA. Commitment: (H or W - 1 minute)

“Make daily dialogue a decision to love your spouse. Make it a habit to love you spouseeach day as part of your dialogue, in their love language if possible. Commit tocontinued growth in intimacy by attending our enrichment. Learn to love each otherbetter so that you Sacrament can be a beautiful Sign of Christ’s love.”

B. Dialogue: What has been the impact, on us and on our dialogue of discovering our lovelanguage this weekend? WAMFAT-DILD

C. Motivation: (Priest or H or W - 1 minute)“Thanks for your presence - We hope there has been another conversion of heart as youhave shared your feelings with one another and listened in an accepting way. Rememberdialogue is unique way to keep those love tanks filled. To keep the quality of yourintimacy where we desire it and where it can do the most good.We pray that there has been a conversion of mind, a deepening of understanding aboutlove.And most of all we encourage you to make the decision to love daily which areconversions of habit. Begin with the decision to dialogue to keep you focused but thengo on living that dialoguing life style of being open, honest, vulnerable, listening andresponsible throughout your day with your spouse, family and friends. Let us fill ourlives and our relationships and our world with love.”

worldwide marriage encounter - passivation marriage... · 10:00-11:05 presentation 2 11:15- 12:15...

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