working with emotions - how to deal with anger

5/25/15, 2:25 AMWorking with Emotions: How to Deal with Anger

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Working with Emotions: How to Deal with AngerAlexander BerzinPenang, Malaysia, July 1987speaking to a Chinese audience

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ContentsPROBLEMS IN LIFEUNCONTROLLABLY RECURRING PROBLEMS ARE SAMSARATHE ROOT OF THE PROBLEMS: GRASPING FOR A SOLID IDENTITYDISTURBING EMOTIONS AND ATTITUDES

Attraction and Longing DesireRepulsion and HostilityClosed-minded Naivety

IMPULSES THAT COME TO OUR MINDS ARE THE EXPRESSIONS OF KARMACONSTRUCTIVE EMOTIONSANGER IS ALWAYS A DISTURBING EMOTIONDO WE HAVE TO EXPERIENCE ANGER?OVERCOMING ANGER: CHANGING THE QUALITY OF OUR LIFEDETERMINATION TO BE FREEMETHODS FOR OVERCOMING ANGERSHANTIDEVAS ADVICE FOR CULTIVATING PATIENCEDIFFERENT TYPES OF PATIENCE

Target Type of PatienceLove and Compassion Type of PatienceGuru-Disciple Type of PatiencePatience with the Nature of ThingsSphere of Reality Patience

DEVELOPING BENEFICIAL HABITS

Problems in LifeThe topic we are discussing this evening is Working with Emotions: How to Deal with Anger. I suppose thereason we have come to discuss this issue is that almost every one of us feels that we have certain problems inour lives. We want to be happy. We dont want to have any problems, but we constantly have to face manydifferent troubles. Sometimes we get depressed; we encounter difficulties and we feel frustrated in our work,frustrated with our social positions, our living conditions or family situations. We have problems of notgetting what we want. We want to be successful. We want only good things to happen to our families and inour businesses, but this does not always happen. Then, when we have these problems, we become unhappy.Sometimes things happen to us that we do not want to happen, like getting sick or growing very weak whenwe get older, or losing our hearing or sight. Undeniably, nobody wants that to happen.

We have problems in our work. Sometimes things go badly and our business declines or fails. That is clearlysomething we do not want to happen, but it happens anyway. Sometimes harm befalls us, we hurt ourselves;



we have accidents; we get sick. All these things keep occurring as problems that we face.Besides these, we face many emotional and psychological problems as well. These might be things that we

may not feel like discussing or revealing to others. But inside us, we find that there are certain things that aredisturbing us in terms of our expectations with our children, our worries or our anxieties, giving us a lot ofdifficulties. These are what we call uncontrollably recurring situations or problems (Skt. samsara).

Uncontrollably Recurring Problems Are SamsaraMy background and training is as a translator, and as a translator I have traveled around the world to manydifferent countries translating and also lecturing about Buddhism. I discovered that there is muchmisunderstanding about Buddhism. The misunderstanding about Buddhism seems to be, for the most part,due to the English words that were chosen to translate the original terms and ideas. Many of these words werechosen in the last century by Victorian missionaries and have quite strong connotations that are not theconnotations or meanings that the original words in the Asian languages had. For instance, we have beentalking about problems. That is usually translated as suffering. If we speak of suffering, then a lot of peopleget the idea that Buddhism is a very pessimistic religion, because it says that everybodys life is full ofsuffering. It seems to say that we do not have the right to be happy. If we speak to somebody who iscomfortable, well off and wealthy, and we say to them, Your life is full of suffering, then that person willget very defensive. They may argue and say: What do you mean? I have a video recorder, I have a good carand I have a nice family. I am not suffering.

Their response is justified because of the word suffering, which is a very heavy word. If, instead, wetranslate the same Buddhist concept as problems, and then we say to somebody: No matter who you are,how wealthy you are, how many children you have, everybody has certain problems in life, this is somethingthat everybody is willing to accept. Therefore, I shall discuss these Buddhist explanations from the Tibetantradition in slightly different terms than those we normally use.

Uncontrollably recurring problems are samsara. These are situations over which we have no control andthey keep on recurring like, for instance, always being frustrated or always having worries and anxieties.Now what are the true causes for them? Buddha spoke about how not only there are true problems thatwe face, but they have true causes and it is possible to stop them as well. The way to stop them, to achievetrue stoppings of them, is to follow a true path, which means to develop true pathway minds, ways ofunderstanding that eliminate the causes. Once we get rid of the causes, we have gotten rid of the problem.

The Root of the Problems: Grasping for a Solid IdentityThe true cause of these uncontrollably recurring problems that we face in life is that we do not know reality.We are unaware of who we really are, who other people really are, whats the meaning of life, what truly isgoing on in the world. I use unawareness rather then ignorance. Ignorance sounds as though somebody issaying that you are stupid and dont understand. Rather than that, we are simply unaware, and because we areunaware we experience this as insecurity on the psychological level. Because of this insecurity, we tend tograsp for some sort of solid identity, some type of me: I do not know who I am or how I exist and so I willgrab on to something either true or maybe just a fantasy about myself and say this is me, this is who I reallyam.

We can grasp on to an identity as being a father, for example: This is who I am, I am the father, I must berespected in my family. My children must have a certain attitude of respect and obedience toward me. If ourentire orientation in life is in terms of being a father, then clearly this can get us into some difficulty. This isbecause if our children do not respect that, then there is a problem. If we are in an office, people do not lookat us as being father, or someone worthy of such type of respect. That again can be very disturbing. What



happens if I am the ruler in my family and yet when I go to the office, other people in the office look down onme, treat me as an inferior and I must show respect to them? If we grasp too tightly to the identity of being afather and having to command respect, then we can be very unhappy in the office when other people donttreat us in that way.

We could have the identity of being a successful businessman: I am a successful businessman. This is theway I am; this is the way that I must be. However, if our business fails or if business becomes very bad, weare completely shattered. Some people might even commit suicide or do all sorts of horrible things if theirbusiness fails, because they cant quite see life going on without this strong identity to which they have beengrasping.

Or we can base our identity on being virile: This is who I am; I am a virile, handsome, attractive man. Butonce we start growing old and lose our virility, this could drive us crazy. Some people could be completelycrushed if thats their self-identity. They are not willing to see that everything changes in life and this identityis not permanent.

We could also feel that we are a traditional person and so everything must be done according to traditionalways. When society changes and young people no longer follow the traditions on which we base our identity,we can become very angry, very upset, very hurt. We cannot really imagine how we could possibly live in aworld that is not following our traditional Chinese customs, the traditional way in which we were brought up.

On the other hand, as a young person we could base our identity on being a modern person: I am a modernperson of the world; I do not need these traditional values. If we grasp on to this very tightly and then ourparents start to be very insistent that we follow the traditional values and treat them in the traditional ways,again, as a modern young person, we can feel very hostile, very angry. We might not express it, but inside wewould feel that because our identity is as a modern person, we dont need to visit our parents on Chinese NewYears Day; we dont need to do all these traditional things, and again we will get a lot of problems.

We can also identify with our profession. Then if our business fails and we only think of ourselves in termsof only this one profession we had, we will not be flexible. When we cannot do that work that we did before,we feel that our world ends. We do not see that it is possibly to enter a different profession and we dontalways have to practice only one kind of profession.

We grasp for these different types of identities as a way to make us feel secure. We hold some ideas aboutwho we are, what type of rules we follow, what type of things we want in life. We tend to think that this ispermanent, that this is all concrete, that this is really me. What happens is that, based on this conception ofourselves, this self-image, we have all sorts of disturbing emotions that come up as ways to support thatidentity. This is because we still feel insecure about that identity, so we feel that we have to prove and assertit.

For example, if we feel, I am the father in the family, then it is not enough for us simply to feel that we arethe father in the family; we must also assert that authority. We must assert our power over the family andmake sure that everyone kowtows to us, because we have to prove to everybody that we are still the father. Itis not enough for us to just know that. If we feel that this identity is threatened, we can get very defensive, orwe can become very offensive and aggressive in order to prove something. I have to prove who I am. I haveto prove that I am still virile and attractive, and so we have to go out and take another wife, or have a loveaffair with a young woman to prove that this is who we are, this is how we exist.

Disturbing Emotions and AttitudesAttraction and Longing DesireDisturbing emotions and attitudes are states of mind that arise, with which we try to prove or maintain a solididentity. These disturbing emotions can be of several types, for instance attraction and longing desire.



Longing desire arises when we need to get something to us, around us, in order to make that identity secure.For instance, if my identity is as the father or the patriarch of my family, then I may think: I must get respect;I must have the children come at New Year and must have them obey everything that I say. Somehow I feelthat if I can get enough respect, this is going to make me feel very secure. And obviously when I dont getthat respect I feel hurt and could become very angry.

Also I can think my identity is that I am a lucky person: I must always have good fortune and good luckand I must always win at mahjong. If this is my identity, then I feel that if I always win at mahjong, alwayswin at different types of gambling, that makes me feel secure. Or I may always have to go to the fortune telleror throw the fortune sticks at the Chinese Buddhist temple to come up with the proper answers, reaffirming tome that I am successful, that I am OK. I am too insecure in my own business abilities to feel that I am goingto be successful. I always have to get more signs, more signs from the gods, or more signs from whomever tomake me feel secure, and so I always compulsively have to try this.

I could also feel that I am the person in authority in my business. I am attracted to power, and power isgoing to make me feel secure. That attitude could be arising from several different psychologicalframeworks. It may be based on feeling that I am a powerful person, or on feeling that I am not really apowerful person but I need that power to support me. We then feel that If I can make everybody in my officeobey me, do things the way that I want them to, that will make me secure. Or, if we have servants in thehouse, in order to prove that I am in the position of authority, I am always attracted to the idea that theyshould do things the way that I want, and I may even start ordering them to do things that are unnecessary,just to prove to them who is in control.

One can also be infatuated with attention. As a young person, we might feel that: My identity is as amodern, young fashionable dresser, and if I could always keep up with the latest fashions, the latest videos,the latest CDs, the latest things that are going on in all the fashion magazines, that is going to make myidentity secure.

There are many different ways, many different things that we could focus on and feel that if I could just getall that around me and build up enough of it, enough money, enough possessions, enough power, enoughattention or enough love, that will make me secure. Of course it does not work. In actuality if it ever worked,we would at some point feel that we have enough and we are fully satisfied. But we never feel that we haveenough and we always want more, and when we dont get it we become angry. Anger comes up in so manydifferent ways.

Repulsion and HostilityAnother mechanism that we use to try to make a seemingly solid identity secure is repulsion, hostility, andanger: If I can just get away from me certain things that I dont like, that are threatening my identity, that isgoing to make me secure. So if I base my identity on my political views or on my race or my culture: If Ijust get anybody who is of a different view, a different colored skin, a different religion away, thats going tomake me secure. Or if my servants are doing things slightly differently from the way that I want them to, orthose who work in my office are doing things a little bit different from the way that I want them, we feel, If Icould just correct them, if I could just change that, thats going to make me secure. I like my papers arrangedon the desk in a certain way, but that other person in my office is arranging them in a different way. Somehowwe feel this is threatening us: If I can just make them do it my way, thats going to make me feel secure.What difference does it make? In this way, we direct our hostility at others in an effort to get everything that isthreatening us away from us.

Or, when we base our identity on being someone who is always correct, then when someone disapproves orcriticizes us, we become very defensive, hostile and angry. Rather than accepting with gratitude this personscriticism so that we can grow and improve ourselves or even if their criticism is unjust, using the



opportunity to check up on ourselves and making sure that we are not lax or at fault we lash out at theperson with harsh words, or we act in a hostile manner in a passive way by ignoring that person and notspeaking to them. We act in this way because we feel rather insecure and threatened. We think the person isrejecting me, who is always right, and so to protect this solid me, we reject that person.

Closed-minded NaivetyAnother mechanism is closed-minded naivety, which is essentially building walls around us: If something isthreatening me, threatening my identity, well I just pretend that it doesnt exist. We have difficulties with ourfamily, difficulties at work and we come home, with a stone face, as if nothing was bothering us. We dontwant to discuss it; we just turn on the television and pretend the problem does not exist. This is a closed-minded attitude. Our children want to discuss the problems that they have and we just push them away. Myidentity is that our family has no problems; our family is perfect; it is following all the traditional values. Howcan you suggest that there is a problem and upset the balance, upset the harmony? We feel that the only wayto deal with the problem is to pretend that it does not exist. This type of attitude is called closed-mindednaivety.

Impulses That Come to Our Minds Are the Expressions of KarmaWhen we have these different types of disturbing emotions, the next thing that happens is that variousimpulses come to our minds. This is what karma refers to. Karma does not mean fate or destiny.Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to think that it does mean that. If somebodys business fails or somebodyis hit by a car, we may say, Well, tough luck, thats their karma. This is almost the same as saying ThatsGods will.

We are not talking about Gods will or destiny here in the discussion of karma. We are talking aboutimpulses, the various impulses that come to our minds to do things. For instance, the impulse that came to ourminds to make a certain decision in our business, which turned out to be a bad decision. Or the impulse tomake a demand on my children, that they show me respect. Or the impulse to yell at my office workers, thatthey must do things not in their own way but in my way. Another impulse may come to my mind to show astone face, turn on the television and not even listen to anybody else. These sorts of impulses, karma, come toour minds, we act them out and that produces our uncontrollably recurring problems. That is the mechanism.

We may have the problem of always feeling anxious and worried about our position at work, or about theproblems in our family. Based on grasping for the solid identity that I must be successful and please myparents or society by being successful, we try to defend that identity by denying that the problem of anxietyexists. We become closed-minded and closed-hearted. Then, although all sorts of difficulties might be goingon in our family or at work, these stay under the surface and everybody just puts on a nice face. Inside,though, there are all these worries and tensions, which later might just explode into an impulse that leads to ascene of violence, often directed at someone in our family or at work who is not even involved in the issue.This then leads to enormous problems.

These are the different mechanisms that produce our uncontrollably recurring problems. We can see that thisis dealing with our various emotions and of course the question comes up, are all emotions troublemakers?Are all emotions things that give us problems?

Constructive EmotionsWe have to differentiate between certain emotions that are very positive and constructive like love, warmth,affection, tolerance, patience, and kindness and negative or destructive emotions like longing desire,hostility, closed mindedness, pride, arrogance, jealousy and so on. There is no word for emotions in the Pali,



Sanskrit or Tibetan languages. We can talk about the positive ones or the negative ones, but there is nogeneral word covering both of them as we have in English.

When we speak about certain emotions or attitudes that when generated make us feel uncomfortable oruneasy, those would be disturbing emotions or disturbing attitudes. For instance, we may have an infatuationor obsession with something or someone and that makes us feel very uneasy. We may be very anxious toreceive respect, or we grasp for love, attention or approval from somebody because we are attached to thisperson and grasp to his or her approval and so on to make us feel worthy and secure these are all difficultiesthat come up in terms of the disturbing emotion attitude of longing desire. Whenever we are hostile we feelvery uneasy; or if we are closed-minded, that also is an uneasy feeling. All these attitudes are thetroublemakers. Therefore we must differentiate negative from positive emotions, for instance love.

Love, in the Buddhist tradition, is defined as the positive emotion with which we wish for others to havehappiness and the causes for happiness. This bases itself on the reasoning that we are all equal and thateverybody equally wants to be happy, and nobody wants to have any problems. Everybody has an equal rightto be happy. Caring for and cherishing others the same as we would ourselves is love. It is a concern forothers to be happy that is not dependent on what they do. It is like the love of a mother, who still loves herbaby even when the baby has soiled her clothing or vomited on her. That doesnt matter, the mother doesntstop loving the baby, just because the baby got sick and threw up on her clothes. The mother still has the sameconcern, the same wish for the child to be happy. Whereas what we often call love is an expression ofdependency or need. I love you means I need you, dont ever leave me, I cant live without you, and youbetter do this and that, be a good wife or a good husband, always give me flowers on Valentines day and doonly what pleases me. If you dont, well now I hate you because you did not do what I wanted, you werentthere when I needed you.

Such an attitude is a disturbing emotion and not the Buddhist idea of love. Love is a concern for someonewhether they send us flowers or not, whether they listen to us or not, whether they are kind and pleasant to usor acting horribly toward us and even rejecting us. It is the concern for them to be happy. We should realizethat when we talk about love and similar emotions, there can be a positive as well as a disturbing type.

Anger Is Always a Disturbing EmotionNow we come at last to discuss anger. What is going on with anger? Anger is something that is alwaysdisturbing. Nobody is made happier by being angry. It does not make us feel better to be angry. It does notmake our food taste better. When we are angry and upset, we do not feel comfortable and we cannot sleep. Wedont have to make a big scene, screaming and yelling, but if inside we are very angry about what is going onin our office or in our family, it can start to give us bad digestion or an ulcer, or we cant sleep at night. Weexperience many difficulties that come up because of holding the anger back, and if we actually express thatanger and give very hostile looks and hostile vibrations to others, even cats and dogs are not going to want tostay around us. They will slowly creep away because they are made uncomfortable by our presence, by ouranger.

Anger is something that has no real benefits at all. If our anger gets so strong or frustrated that we have tosomehow vent it and we explode and send a curse on somebody, or throw some evil charm against them, doesthis really make us feel better? Does it make us feel better to see somebody else hurt and upset? Or we get soangry that we feel we have to punch the wall. Does punching the wall really make us feel better? No,obviously not, it hurts. Indeed anger does not help us in any way. If we are caught in traffic and we were toget so angry that we start to beep our horn, and scream and curse at everybody, what good is that? Did thatmake us feel better? Did that make the cars go any faster? No, it just made us lose face in front of everybodyelse because they will say, Who is this idiot beeping the horn? This is clearly not going to help thatsituation.



Do We Have to Experience Anger?If disturbing emotions like anger and impulsive types of behavior based on them, like screaming and yellingat someone or, with hostility shutting ourselves off from someone or rejecting him or her, are the causes ofour problems, will we always have trouble with them? Is this something that we always have to experience?No, that is not the case, because disturbing emotions are not part of the nature of the mind. If they were, thenour minds would always have to be disturbed. Even with those who are the most severe cases, there aremoments when we are not disturbed by anger. For instance, when we finally do fall asleep we are notexperiencing anger.

It is therefore possible that there are certain moments when disturbing emotions such as anger, hostility andresentment are not present. This proves that these destructive emotions are not permanent; they are not part ofthe nature of our minds and therefore they are things that can be gotten rid of. If we stop the causes of ouranger and not just superficially, but on the deepest level it is definitely possible to overcome resentmentand have peace of mind.

This doesnt mean that we should get rid of all emotions and feelings and become just like Dr. Spock in StarTrek, become someone who is just like a robot or a computer with no emotions. Rather, what we want is toget rid of our disturbing emotions, our disturbing attitudes that are based on confusion, and our lack ofawareness about the reality of who we are. The Buddhist teachings are very rich in methods for doing this.

Overcoming Anger: Changing the Quality of Our LifeFirst, we need to have a certain motivation or basis that motivates us to work on ourselves to get rid of ouranger and all our disturbing emotions and attitudes. If we have no reason to do it, why should we do it?Therefore it is important to have a motivation.

We can start to develop such a motivation by thinking: I want to be happy and not have any problems. Iwant to improve the quality of my life. My life is not very pleasant because I always feel resentment andhostility inside me. Often, I am getting angry. Maybe I do not express it, but it is there and it is making mefeel very miserable, very upset all the time and it is not a very good quality of life. Besides, it is giving mebad digestion and that makes me feel sick. I cannot even enjoy the food that I like.

After all, the quality of our life is something that is in our own hands. One of the biggest messages that theBuddha taught is that we can do something about the quality of our life. We are not condemned to have to liveour life in misery all the time. We can do something about it.

Then we would think, Not only do I want to improve the quality of my life now, or for this moment, on ashort term basis, but also on a long term basis. I do not want to let things get so bad that they get even worse.Because, for instance, if I do not get rid of my hostility and resentment now and if I keep it inside, it is goingto get worse and I might develop an ulcer. I might explode and do something terrible, like putting some curseor a charm on somebody, and indeed try to destroy them. That could lead to the other person retaliating byputting a curse on me and my family and, all of a sudden, we have the perfect script for a new video ormovie.

If we think ahead that this is something we would not want to happen, we will work on it and try to get ridof our anger so that the problems will not escalate. Further, we may aspire to not only minimize our problems,but, better still, to get rid of all problems altogether because feeling even a small amount of hostility andresentment is no fun: I must develop a strong determination to be free from all problems.

Determination To Be Free



Usually what I call a determination to be free is translated as renunciation, which is a rather misleadingtranslation. It tends to give the impression that we should give up everything and go live in a cave. This is notat all what is being called for here. What is being discussed is to look at our problems honestly and bravelyand, seeing how ridiculous it is to keep living with them, to decide: I do not want to continue like this. I havehad enough. I am bored with them; I am fed-up with them. I must get out.

The attitude to develop here is the determination to be free and, with that, the willingness to give up our old,disturbing patterns of thought, speech and behavior. This is most important. Unless we have made up ourminds very strongly, we will not put all our energy into it. Until we put all our energy into it, our effort to befree will only be half-hearted and we will never get anywhere. We will want to gain happiness, but not to giveup anything, like our negative habits and emotions. That never succeeds. Therefore, it is very important tohave this very strong determination to make up ones mind that one must stop ones problems and be willingto give up them and their causes.

On the next higher level we need to think: I must get rid of my anger not just to find happiness for myself,but also for the sake of everybody else around me. For the sake of my family, friends, co-workers and society,I must get rid of my anger. I have to overcome this, out of consideration for others. I do not want to causethem trouble and make them unhappy. Not only would it cause me to lose face if I were to express my anger,but it would also bring shame upon my entire family. It would bring shame on all my associates and so on. So,out consideration for them, I must learn to be able to control and deal with my temper and get rid of it.

An even stronger motivation is produced by reflecting: I must get rid of this anger because it prevents mefrom helping others. If others are in need of my help, like my children or the people at work or my parents,and if I am completely upset or disturbed by anger or by hostility, how can I help them? That is a majorobstacle and so it is very important to work on ourselves to sincerely develop these various levels ofmotivation.

No matter how sophisticated the method might be for dealing with anger, if we do not have a strongmotivation to apply it, we are not going to do it. And, if we do not apply the methods we learn, then what isthe point? Therefore, the first step is to think in terms of the motivation.

Methods for Overcoming AngerWhat are the actual methods that we can use to overcome anger? Anger is defined as an agitated state of mindthat wants to generate violence against something, either animate or inanimate. If we focus on a person, ananimal, a situation or some object and do not like it, and we want to express some violence and agitationtoward it, to make it change in a violent way, this is anger. So, anger is a state of intolerance and a lack ofpatience, combined with the wish to harm whatever it is that we cannot endure. Its opposite, on one hand, ispatience, which is the opposite of intolerance and, on the other hand, love. Because love is the wish forsomeone else to be happy, love is the opposite of wishing them harm.

Often we get angry at situations in which something happens to us that we do not like to happen. People arenot acting in the way that we want them to act. For example, they are not showing us respect, they are notfollowing our orders at work, or they promised to do something for us in business and they do not do it. Sincethey do not do as we expect them to do, we get very angry with them. As another example, somebody mightstep on our toe, and we get angry with him as that is something that we do not like to occur. But, there arevarious ways in which we can deal with such circumstances, without getting angry.

Shantidevas Advice for Cultivating PatienceA great eighth century Indian Buddhist master, Shantideva, gave many lines of thought to help. If I mayparaphrase what he wrote, he said: If in a difficult situation there is something we can do to change it, then



why worry and get angry, just change it. If there is nothing that we can do, then why worry and get angry? Ifit cannot be changed, anger is not going to help.

For example, we want to take a flight from here in Penang to Singapore, but when we arrive at the airportthe flight is overbooked and already full. There is no point getting angry. Anger it is not going to help us geton the plane. However, there is something that we can do to change the situation we can take the next flight.Why get angry? Make the booking for the next flight, telephone friends in Singapore and inform them that weare coming later; then it is finished. This is something we can do to handle the problem. If our television doesnot work, then why get angry and kick it and curse? Just fix it. This is something very obvious. If there is asituation that we can change; then no need to get angry, just change it.

If there is nothing we can do to change the situation, like for instance if we are caught in the rush hourtraffic, then we have to just accept it. We do not have a laser beam gun on the front of our car to zap all thecars in front of us or fly off above the traffic like in some Japanese cartoon. Therefore, we have to accept itgracefully, by thinking: Okay I am in the traffic, I will put on the radio, or I will put on the cassette recorderand listen to some Buddhist teachings, or some beautiful music. Most of the time, we know when we will getcaught in the rush hour traffic and therefore we can prepare ourselves by taking a tape along to listen to. If weknow that we have to drive in such traffic, we can make the best use of that time. We can think about someproblems in our office or with our family or whatever and try to come up with a good solution for them.

If there is nothing we can do to change a difficult situation, then just try to make the best of it. If we hurt ourtoe in the dark, well, if we jump up and down and scream and yell, is that going to make it feel any better? InAmerican slang we call that doing a hurt dance. You get so hurt that you dance up and down, jump up anddown; but that is not going to make it feel better. There is little we can do about it. The only thing to do is justto go on with whatever we are doing. The pain is impermanent. It is something that will pass. It is not goingto last forever and jumping up and down and screaming and yelling is not going to make us feel better. Whatdo we want? Do we want everybody to come and say: Oh poor you, you have hurt your toe. If a baby or achild hurts himself, then his mother comes over and kisses it and makes it feel better. So do we expect thatpeople treat us in a similar way, like a baby?

While waiting for our turn in a queue or for a bus, if we think of impermanence that I am not always goingto be number thirty-two or number nine in the queue, but eventually my turn will come, that will help us to beable to tolerate the situation and we could use that time in a different way. There is a saying in India: Waitinghas a certain pleasure of its own. This is true, because if we have to wait for our turn in a queue or for a bus,we could use that time to become aware of the other people in the queue or at the bus stop, the things that aregoing on in the office, or whatever. It helps us to develop a sense of concern about others and compassion. Ifwe are there, we might as well use the time constructively rather than spending the half hour cursing.

Another line of advice by Shantideva tells us: If somebody hits us with a stick, with whom do we getangry? Do we get angry with the person or do we get angry with the stick? If we think about it logically, itshould be the stick we get angry with, because it was the stick that hurt us! But, that is silly. Nobody getsangry with a stick; we get angry with the person. Why do we get angry with the person? This is because thestick was manipulated by the person. Likewise, if we think further, the person was manipulated by his or herdisturbing emotions. So if we are going to get angry, we should get angry with this persons disturbingemotions that made him or her hit us with the stick.

Then we think: Where did this disturbing emotion come from? It did not arise from nowhere. I must havedone something to trigger it off. I must have done something that made the other person get angry with meand then hit me with the stick. Like that, I might have asked somebody to do me a favor and when he or sherefused, I got angry. I got hurt because of that. Well, if I think about it, it was in fact my own fault. I was toolazy and did not do it myself. I asked this other person to do me a favor and when he or she refused I gotangry. If I would not have been so lazy myself, then I would never have asked this person, and the whole



problem would never have arisen. If I am going to get angry at all, I should get angry with myself for being sostupid and lazy to ask this person to do me a favor.

Even when it was partly not our fault, we need to look to see if we ourselves are free from this disturbingemotion that is manipulating the other person, like for instance, selfishness: He refused to do me a favor.Well, do I always do others a favor? Am I somebody who always agrees to help others, and does soimmediately? If I am not, then why should I expect other people to always go out of their way for me? Thisis another way of dealing with anger.

I mentioned before that anger does not always have to be expressed through yelling, screaming or hittinganother person. Anger is a disturbing emotion that, by definition, when it arises makes us feel uncomfortable.So even if we are keeping it inside and never express it, anger will act very destructively inside us and willmake us very upset. Later it is going to come out in a very destructive way. We need to apply the samemethods that I just explained in order to be able also to handle the anger kept unexpressed within us. We mustchange our attitude. We must develop patience.

Different Types of PatienceTarget Type of PatienceThere are many different types of patience. First is the target type of patience. The idea is that if you did notset up a target, nobody would have shot at it. In America, children have a little game. They pin or paste apiece of paper onto the seat of their friends pants. On the paper they write kick me and this is called thekick me sign. Then whoever sees this kick me on this little childs behind will kick the child. Like that,with this type of patience, we think how we have pinned such a kick me sign onto our own behinds throughour own negative and destructive actions in the past, and this is what is causing all sorts of problems tohappen to us now.

For example, suppose we are mugged on the street. We would think, If I had not set up the target by actingnegatively and destructively in the past or in previous lives, then the impulse could not have arisen on mymind to go down that dark street at just that time when there was a mugger waiting to rob me and beat me up.Usually I do not go there, but that night I thought, I will go down that dark street. Usually I go home muchearlier, but that night the impulse came to me to stay with my friends a little longer. In addition, I also wentdown that street at just that time when there was a robber waiting there for somebody to come. Why did thatimpulse come to my head? It must have been that in the past I have done something that hurt this person andthat is now ripening in terms of cause and effect.

Impulses come to our minds as the expression of karma. So we can think: I am depleting my past negativekarma. I should be very happy that I am getting off so lightly, because it could have been much worse. Thisperson simply robbed me, but he could also have shot me. Therefore, I should feel very relieved that now thisnegativity has ripened so lightly and I am finished with it. It was not so bad after all and it is good to be rid ofit, to get it off my back. I no longer have this karmic debt.

This type of thinking is very helpful. I remember once I was going on a weekend holiday to the beach with afriend. We were driving for many hours. It was a long drive from the city. After we had driven for about anhour and a half, we heard a funny noise from the car. We pulled over to a mechanic in a station on theroadside. The mechanic took a look at the car and said there was a crack in the axle and we could notcontinue; we had to get a tow truck to tow us back to the big city. My friend and I could have gotten veryangry and upset because we wanted to go to this lovely beach resort for a weekend rest. But with a differentattitude we looked at it completely differently: Wow, this is wonderful! How great it is that this happened,because if we had continued, the axle could have broken while we were driving. We could have had a terribleaccident and both been killed. So how wonderful it is that it has ripened in this way. We got off very easy.



So, with our minds at ease, we took the tow truck back to the city and, once there, we borrowed another carand then went on a different plan.

You can see that there are many ways that we could have experienced that type of situation. To have gottenangry and upset would not have helped at all. If we can look at it in terms of: This is depleting my pastnegative karma. This karmic debt has ripened now. Wonderful, it is finished. It could have been much worse,this is a much saner way of handling it.

Love and Compassion Type of PatienceThere is also the type of patience called love and compassion patience. With this patience, we regardanybody who becomes angry with us or yells and screams at us as a crazy person, somebody mentallydisturbed. This type of patience can also be applied for somebody who embarrasses or criticizes us in front ofothers, which would make us lose face and we would get angry with them. If, for instance, a parrot were tocall us names in front of others; that would not make us lose face, would it? There is no reason to get angrywith the bird. It would be a stupid reaction. Similarly, if a crazy person starts yelling and screaming at us, wedo not actually lose face from that. Everybody knows that children occasionally throw temper tantrums. Alsoa psychiatrist does not become angry with a patient when the patient is angry, but rather feels compassion forthe patient.

Likewise, we would try to feel compassion for whoever it is that makes us upset, gets angry with us orembarrasses us. We need to realize that, in fact, they are the one that is losing face, arent they? We are not theones who are losing face. Everybody sees that this person is the one who is making a complete idiot out ofhimself or herself. We should feel compassion for the person, then, instead of anger.

This does not mean that if somebody is trying to hit us, we dont try to stop him. If our child is screaming,we do try to quiet him or her down. We want to stop him from causing harm to us or others and harminghimself. The point is not to do it out of anger. If our child is acting naughty, we discipline him or her not outof anger, but for the sake of the child himself. We want to help the child not to lose face, and do not wantpeople to think badly of our child. We want to discipline the child out of concern, not out of anger.

Guru-Disciple Type of PatienceThen there is the Guru-disciple type of patience. This is based on the fact that a disciple cannot learnwithout a teacher, and so, if nobody tested us, we could not develop patience. In the tenth century, the greatIndian master Atisha was invited to Tibet to help revive Buddhism there. This Indian master brought with himan Indian cook. The Indian cook never did anything correctly or respectfully; he was completely obnoxiousand very unpleasant. The Tibetan people respected Atisha very much and therefore asked him: Teacher, whydid you bring this obnoxious cook with you from India? Why dont you send him back? We can cook for you;we can cook very well. Atisha replied to them: Oh, he is not just my cook. I brought him along because hesmy teacher of patience!

Similarly, if there is somebody in our office who is obnoxious, who is always saying things that areannoying to us, we can look at this person as our teacher of patience. There are some people with veryirritating habits, like always drumming their fingers. If nobody tested us, how could we develop ourselves? Ifwe encounter difficult situations like a long delay at the airport or bus station, we can use this as a goldenopportunity to practice patience: Ah! Ive been training to do this. Ive been training to cultivate patience,and now here is my chance to see if I can actually do it. Or if we are having difficulties in getting somebureaucratic forms from an office, we take this as our challenge. This is like when I have been training inmartial arts for some time and when I at last get a chance to use my skills. I am delighted. Likewise, if wehave been training ourselves to be patient and tolerant, then when we are faced with an obnoxious situation



like this, we will look at it with great joy: Ah! Here is a challenge. Lets see if I can handle it and not lose mytemper, not become angry, not even feel badly inside.

Not losing our patience is a much greater challenge than an encounter in martial arts. This is because wemust meet the challenge with our minds, with our feelings, not just with our body and physical control. Ifothers criticize us, we need to try to look at this criticism as a chance to see where we are at in ourdevelopment, instead of feeling angry about it. This person who is criticizing me may be pointing out certainthings about me that perhaps I could learn from. In this sense, we must try to tolerate criticism and learn howto handle it by changing our attitude. If we get very upset, it may cause us to lose more face than if somecrazy person just criticizes and yells at us.

Patience with the Nature of ThingsAnother way of dealing with anger and developing patience is patience with the nature of things. It is thenature of childish people to act badly and rudely. If there is a fire, its nature is to be hot and to burn. If westick our hand in this fire and get burned, well, what do we expect? The fire is hot; that is why fire burns. Ifwe drive across town during lunch hour, well, what do we expect? It is lunch hour and there will be heavytraffic thats the nature of things. If we ask a small child to carry a tray or a cupful of hot tea and he spills it,well, what do we expect? He is a child and we cannot expect the child not to spill anything. Likewise, if weask other people to do us a favor or to do something for our business, we make an agreement, and then theylet us down, well, what did we expect? People are childish; we cannot count on others. Shantideva, the greatIndian master said: If you want to do something positive and constructive, do it yourself. Dont rely onanybody else. This is because if you rely on somebody else, there is no certainty that he or she will not let youdown and disappoint you. This is how we can look at such situations: Well, what did I expect? If it is thenature of people to let others down, there is no reason for me to get angry.

Sphere of Reality PatienceThe last method to use against anger is called sphere of reality patience, seeing what is actually going on.We tend to label ourselves, others and objects with some solid identity. It is like drawing in our imagination abig solid line around some aspect of ourselves, and projecting onto this aspect that it is our solid identity:This is who I am; this is how I must always be. For example, I am Gods gift to the world, or I am a loser,a failure. Or we put a big solid line around somebody else and say: He is obnoxious. He is no good, hes atrouble maker. However, if that were this persons true, solid identity, he would always have to exist in thisway. He would have had to exist in this way also as a small child. He would also have to be obnoxious toeverybody, to his wife, his dog, his cat and to his parents, because he is truly an obnoxious individual.

If we can see that people do not exist with a big solid line around them delineating their concrete, trueidentity or nature, that again allows us to ease off and we will not be so angry with them. We see that thispersons acting obnoxiously was just a passing occurrence even if it is a frequent one and does notconstitute the way he always must be.

Developing Beneficial HabitsIn difficult situations, it might not be so easy to apply all these points. All these various ways of reasoning areknown as preventive measures. This is how I translate the word Dharma. Dharma is a measure we take inorder to prevent problems. We want to safeguard against getting angry by trying to build up these differenttypes of patience as beneficial habits. That is what meditation is. The Tibetan word for meditation comesfrom the word to make something a habit, to habituate ourselves to something beneficial.



First, we need to listen to these various explanations about the different types of patience. Then, we need tothink about them so that we understand them and see whether they make sense. If they make sense and weunderstand them, and we also have a motivation to want to apply them, then we will try to build them up as abeneficial habit by rehearsing and practicing them.

This is done by first reviewing these points. After we have reviewed these points, we have to try to see andfeel things in that way. We have to picture situations in our minds using our imagination. We can imagine asituation in which we usually become angry and upset. For instance, someone in our office may do things in away we do not like. First, try to see this person as he or she is, as a human being who wants to be happy andnot unhappy. Although he is trying his best, still he is like a child and does not really know what he is doing.If we try to see and feel this way toward him and we rehearse that in our mind when sitting quietly at home,then the more we have done this, the more easily we will respond in a more positive way when we are in theoffice and he starts to act obnoxiously. Instead of the impulse to get angry with him, a new impulse will cometo our mind the impulse to be more patient, to be more tolerant.

Having practiced seeing him as being like a child so as to develop patience with his naughty behavior, thenwe can go a step further. We can see that when he acts in this obnoxious way, he is the one that is losing face.Thus, we develop compassion for him. We can build up the habit to see and feel this way through meditation.When looking and feeling with patience becomes a beneficial habit, it becomes more and more a part of us. Itbecomes our natural way of responding to difficult situations we have to face. When an impulse comes up inour minds to get angry, there will be a space. We wont act it out immediately and more positive impulses willarise to act in a more beneficial way.

At lectures on Buddhism, we usually focus on the sensation of breathing and count our breath up to twenty-one at the start of each talk. This practice is also very helpful when we first notice ourselves about to becomeangry. It creates a space in which we do not immediately act out the negative impulse to say something cruel,for instance, and it gives some space in which to reconsider if we want to get angry and upset. We think, DoI really want to make a scene or is there a better way of handling this situation? As a result of meditation andthe building up of more beneficial habits, we will see situations with more patience and will feel more toleranttoward them. More positive alternatives will come to our heads and we will naturally choose them, since wewant to be happy and we know that these alternative ways will bring us that result.

In order to do this, we need concentration. That is why there are so many different meditation methods inBuddhism for developing concentration. These methods are not just learned as an abstract exercise; they aredone in order to be used and applied. When do we apply them? We apply them in difficult situations, when weare dealing with obnoxious people or obnoxious conditions. They help us to concentrate on keeping ourminds patient.

However, we do not restrain ourselves from negative, destructive behavior by just using self-control anddiscipline. If we do this simply with self-control and discipline, then the anger stays inside us. We are justputting on a very strong face on the outside, but inside the anger burns and it causes us to develop an ulcer.But, on the contrary, when we use these methods correctly, anger does not even arise. It is not a matter ofcontrolling anger and keeping it all inside; it is a matter of replacing the impulses that come to our head.Rather than having negative impulses arising which we may have to deal with by keeping them all inside,positive impulses will come up.

Once we can do this, then, depending on our motivation, we can rid ourselves of our problems now andthings will not get worse in the future. Or, we will not have any problems whatsoever, or, with the strongestand most advanced motivation, we will not be causing problems to our family, to our friends, to the peoplearound us and we will be able to help others the fullest. We will be able to do so because we will not belimited by our disturbing emotions and problems. Thus we will be able to realize all our potentials. Thankyou.

working with emotions - how to deal with anger

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