Working Paper Series Working Paper Series Working Paper Series Work In Progress

Relational Theory in a South Asian Context: An Example of the Dynamics of Identity

Development

Lisa Desai Psy.D.

(1999) Paper No. 86Jean Baker Miller Training Instituteat the Wellesley Centers for Women

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Relational Theory in a South Asian Context:An Example of the Dynamics of IdentityDevelopment

Lisa Desai, Psy.D.

About the AuthorLisa Desai, Psy.D., completed her doctoral training at

the School of Professional Psychology at Wright StateUniversity. She then came to the Boston area to pursue atwo-year post doctoral fellowship in child and adolescentpsychology at Mclean Hospital. Dr. Desai is currently astaff psychologist at the Stone Center Counseling Servicesat Wellesley College. She is also on staff at the South Asianclinic at Cambridge Hospital and maintains a privatepractice in Wellesley, Massachusetts, where she worksprimarily with children and women.

AbstractIndian culture has been referred to as one which is

inherently inter-relational. The purpose of thispresentation is to examine the ways in which salient aspectsof South Asian culture, including family-centeredness,religion, regional affiliation, language, and caste/class,impact identity development in people of Indian descent.While the focus, in terms of examples and a case study, willbe on Indian women who attend college in the U.S., theissues and questions raised during the course of thispresentation pertain to both men and women who are raisedwithin the Indian culture. Using the frame of Relational/Cultural Theory, the question becomes: How does culturecombine with developmental and psychodynamic theory inshaping relational images?

When talking about identity in India, we face theduality of an individualized self versus a communalself. Indeed, like other Asian cultures, the communalaspect of Indian living has long been acknowledged(Kakar, 1978; Ho, 1993; Sinha, 1997). For Indians whohave immigrated to the U.S. or elsewhere, the degreeto which they digress from traditional beliefs andcustoms varies. Some families maintain strict beliefs,while others are more tolerant and even encourage theincorporation of Western ideals. Still, severalresearchers have observed that, by and large, Indianfamilies who have migrated to the U.S. and other partsof the world have typically held onto many aspects oftheir traditional values and lifestyles. The destinationof migration, of course, determines the type ofinfluence the “host” culture will have. Sowell (1996)has talked about the dispersion of Indians to all partsof the world which naturally creates variouscompilations of Asian and Western identities. Alvarez(1995) notes that, for many people, immigration isbittersweet in that it represents loss of the culture oforigin and all its familiarity, but also offers hope forfreedom and opportunities in the new world.

Many theorists distinguish between Western andSouth Asian cultures in one basic way: while the U.S.values and encourages independence and personalaccomplishment, India has historically advocatedcommunal values and individual accomplishmentinsofar as it improves the well being and/or status ofone’s family or community. David Ho (1979) definescollective identity in the following way:

Collectivism affirms that preservation andenhancement of the well-being of the group isthe supreme guiding principle . . . members ofthe group are expected to subjugate their owninclinations to group requirements, perhaps evento make personal sacrifices . . . with each memberbeing related to other members in a network of

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interlocking responsibility and obligations.

Hsu (1985) has commented that the relationalworlds in a Western person’s life are less filled withkin and family relationships, and so the need to searchfor friendships and the need for self-reliance becomeparamount. He notes that for Asian cultures, such asthe Chinese, few relationships are formed outside ofkinship so that relational needs are automatically andpermanently met.

As with many ethnic groups, Indian youth in theUnited States may find they live in two worlds:Western society which forms their externalenvironment and their traditional Indian home whichforms their interior environment. From thisperspective, one may say that the need to work towardbecoming relational in the Western world is in contrastto the task of the South Asian. The work may be infinding ways to tolerate, and perhaps introduce shiftsin, family relationships so that reciprocal demandsbecome less intense. This must be done in a waywhich respects and preserves cultural ties. Indeed,when Susan Jones (1997) studied identity in aculturally diverse sample of college women, she foundthe women “shared a sense that their identitiesconsisted of multiple layers. Identity was experiencedas evolving in an ongoing negotiation between theoutside and inside worlds” (p. 380).

Much has been written about psychology and thecommon themes among various Asian cultures.Although focusing specifically on Indian culture, someof the notions apply to other Asian cultures, just asother features of Indian culture are similar to Westernexperiences. Furthermore, in reviewing the literature,and my own experiences clinically and personally, it isobvious that the diversity within India precludes anytype of generalization about cultural influences. Forexample, when comparing the dramatically differenteconomic strata of Indians, one may see morecommonalities between the affluent in both India andthe United States (Tharoor, 1997). In another example,Tharoor has stated that the only commonality betweena Christian, Kerala speaking South Indian and a Hindispeaking North Indian, is that both come from India.This presentation emphasizes the diversity in India. Iwill talk about culture and identity mainly from theperspective of Hinduism, while acknowledging thevastly different experiences of a person practicinganother religion in India.

Aspects of Culture Which Contribute toIdentity

Views of the SelfThe nature of self in India may be thought of as

encompassing a highly personalized aspect and acommunal aspect because of the impact of bothreligion and family. In the classic book, Clan, Caste,and Club, Hsu (1963) draws a distinction between theAmerican, Chinese, and Hindu Indian psychologicalworlds, describing the Indian world view as one thatis “supernatural oriented,” whereas the Westernstance is “individual oriented,” and the Chinese lifeview is “situation oriented.” His premise is thatmutuality in relationships, tailored to meet situationalrequirements and social appropriateness, exists morein Chinese culture. In contrast, he observes thatIndian culture is embedded in a religious orientationwhere relationships with gods form the strongestrelationships. According to Hsu, while family iscentral to Indian culture, there remains an individualorientation towards the religious. In a more recentarticle entitled “Is the Indian Self PredominantlyInterdependent?” Misra and Giri (1995) reported that,in their study of Indian graduate students, “themajority of the students were characterized with eitherlow independent/low interdependent or highindependent/high interdependent self construal.”Some theorists have attributed the Indian’s ability tointegrate individualistic and collectivistic traits toIndia’s period under British colonial rule (Patel et al.,1996; Roland, 1988). Clinically, Roland repeatedlynoted in his work with Indian patients that thereemerged a viable “private self” which was purposelypreserved as distinct from one’s “family self” and maybe more connected to one’s “spiritual self” (Roland,1988).

Indian Family Structure and DynamicsWhile there is evidence for an aspect of the

Indian self which is individually oriented in thespiritual context, there is no doubt that South Asianculture places a powerful and lifelong emphasis onfamily and collective identity. Roland (1988) andKakar (1978) posit that intense relational bondsbetween children and parents begin early in life. Bothdescribe significant differences in the nature andduration of the early mother-child bond relative toWestern child-rearing. According to Kakar, a highlygratifying, relatively long-term (until about age five)initial maternal bond is fostered in children. This is incontrast to Western child-rearing where independenceand exploration are encouraged in the child, beginning

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in the toddler years. Kakar observes that this bond isparticularly strong in the mother-son relationship asthe mother gains identity and status via her son. Thismay be viewed in contrast to Western observationswhich frequently describe a stronger mother-daughterbond. Kakar notes that in Indian childhood the sonexperiences a “second birth,” beginning around theage of five. At this point he is no longer coddled andtreated like a “little god” (as children are considered inmuch of India), but faced with the relatively harshworld of discipline, limits, and conditional love withinthe matrix of a tight-knit family. Kakar and Rolandtheorize that these early symbiotic bonds lay thefoundation for a strong sense of reciprocity andmutual need-based relationships, which in turnbecome the foundation for a lifelong sense ofconnectedness and responsibility toward the family.

The daughter’s early experience may be differentbecause she is viewed as a guest in her own home(since she will eventually leave and marry—going toher real home). She may also be spared the disciplinesuffered by her brother. In fact, in some sects ofIndian Hindus the mother overtly favors the daughterover the son (Chodorow, 1989). For the Indiandaughter, adolescence may be a time when she learnsabout the realities of long-term responsibility towardher family and in thinking about her future, e.g.,marriage and profession.

While arranged marriage in the strict sense—marrying someone after only one meeting and havingno say in the match—is outdated in most urbanfamilies, it is in the midst of adolescent longing forintimacy with the opposite sex that parents may begintalking about the proverbial “nice boy to marry.”

Even with the modernization of some Indianfamilies, it is true that parents, and sometimesgrandparents and extended family, are very involvedwith matrimonial decisions. Hsu makes the point thatprivacy is largely a Western notion that evolves fromearly social separation, for example, baby-sitting in afamily system in which the marital dyad representsthe strongest relationship. In traditional Indianfamilies, the parent-child (especially the mother-son)dyad often forms the primary relationship.Subsequently, privacy in traditional Indian childhoodand adolescence is virtually nonexistent. It isimportant to note that this lack of privacy wouldcertainly be pathologized if viewed by Westernstandards which emphasize constructing andmaintaining relational boundaries. Further, a Westernperspective may condemn the intense mother-sonbond as a sign of pathological dependency orcontrolling tendencies in the mother. While individual

cases of such maladaptive bonding certainly exist, on acultural level it is more accurate to recognize that thestrong mother-son dyad represents a position ofpower—in the family and in society—for the mother.

Strong familial bonds certainly lead to conflict.Indian and Hindu myths are replete with intrafamilial,as well as interfamilial, conflict. For example, theBhagavagita begins with Arjun refusing to go to battleagainst his cousins as he does not want to shed theblood of his kin. Ultimately, the god Krishna remindshim of his duty in life and directs him to partake in thebattle. Indian goddesses also carry power and anger,sometimes transforming into menacing, lethal figures,only to then return to peaceful, divine forms.Certainly, among the various Indian clients I’ve seen,the expression of anger was not a taboo subject in thesessions, or in their homes. In modern society, variousauthors have described the indirect and subtle ways inwhich conflict is expressed within Indian culture.Some conflict is culturally prescribed; conflict betweenthe mother-in law and wife is common with theexpectation that the son will negotiate between thetwo parties, and he will never fully side against hismother.

Saraswathi and Pai (1997) write that in modernmiddle class and urban families, children areincreasingly questioning their parents’ rules andbeliefs. However, even with Westernization, both inIndia and the U.S., the most striking aspect of Indianculture is that duty and intense connectedness to theextended family last throughout life. Indeed theHindu concept of dharma, or duty, is an integral part ofone’s purpose in life and only through practicingdharma is one able to possibly reach the ultimatesalvation. Once again religion and family merge, foronly by serving the family can one be closer toreligious salvation.

During adulthood, obligations to family continuealthough they differ for daughters and sons accordingto regional, class, and caste origins. For youngwomen, education is typically valued (to the extentthat is normative within a caste group), but issecondary to her marriageability, which is comprisedof a number of factors. A woman should not be tooeducated for her jat, or clan, nor should she be under-educated. Women are encouraged to pursue theircareers and earn money, but not at the expense ofmarriage. Traditionally, parental pride versus shameis connected to a successful married daughter versus asingle or divorced daughter. For the son, educationand a prestigious or lucrative job serves him well byhelping to secure a desirable wife. Again, choices incareer and marriage are not individual choices but

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rather must be considered in light of familypreferences. Again, to cite Jones's (1997) study withcollege students, Jones describes how the women“found it impossible to talk about their identitieswithout referring to their family experiences in thatparents were perceived as the transmitters of strongcultural values and rich cultural traditions. Conflictswith parents over cultural values were painful and, insome cases, to be avoided.”

CasteThe history and system of caste in India is a

complex one which impacts the development of one’ssense of self and, perhaps more specifically, the senseof limits and possibilities which are inherent in casteposition. By and large, the caste system—which isessentially apartheid (Tharoor, 1997; Rajshekar,1987)—has survived, in part, due to tradition steepedin the Hindu belief of four varnas, or looselytranslated, categories of caste: Brahmanas, Kshatriyas,Vaisyas, and Sudras. Over time, caste has evolved sothat now the “untouchable” designation has beenreplaced by the term “scheduled castes.” In recentyears, politics and social policy have used affirmativeaction to allocate seats in universities, governmentjobs, and even Parliament. Tharoor observes thatthese affirmative action policies which have broughtthe possibility of equality to people of scheduledcastes, have also highlighted people's awareness oftheir position.

In our modern American thinking we mayassume that the Indian college student of the ‘90swould not be aware of her caste position or the historyof her family’s caste, and that by living outside ofIndia she would not be impacted by caste. The realityis that the invisible issue of caste—the history,memories, stories passed down from parents orgrandparents—may be deeply felt. Perhaps the bestexample of this is in today’s matrimonial ads in IndiaAbroad and other such publications (read by Indians inthe U.S., London, and elsewhere). In the ads, adesirable groom or bride is described by temperament,vocation, education, hobbies, and often with the addednote “caste no bar.”

Regional AffiliationIndia is a country comprised of distinct regions

in the north, south, west, and east, with each regionpossessing its own language, customs, food, forms ofreligious worship, and history. For this reason, onecan have no real knowledge of or begin to makeassumptions about a South Asian person’s culturalexperience without knowing the region from whichthey come. A woman raised in Bombay will share a

completely different set of traditions than a womanfrom Kerala in the south or Delhi in the north. And,because each region in India houses a variety ofreligions, one can never assume that one is Hindu iffrom Bombay or Muslim if from Hydrabad.Differences across regions are dramatic. Illustratingthis point, I am currently seeing an Indian studentwho is in her mid-twenties. She has a Europeanboyfriend. During one session, I asked how herparents felt about her boyfriend and whether therewas pressure to marry an Indian. She said that herparents would really like for her to marry a boy fromthe same jat and town in India; if not that, to marrysomeone who spoke the same language; and if notthat, then it basically doesn’t matter if she marries anon-Indian or an Indian from another part of India!

ReligionIndia is a country of religious diversity. While

Hinduism is the majority religion, the country’s otherreligions, which include Moslem, Jain, Christian,Zoroastrian, and Sikh, have existed for thousands ofyears and continue to thrive. The interaction betweena specific religion and the Indian culture is unique andbased on the tenets and beliefs of each religion.Additionally, regional differences in interpretationexist so that a Jain in South India may follow asomewhat different version of the religious doctrine orperform different rituals than a northern Indian Jain.

Often times the distinctions in religious practice,for instance in Hinduism, are due to worship of aspecific god. Because there are a multitude of godswithin the Hindu pantheon, the choice of gods andtemples is huge. In India, images of gods are seeneverywhere—in taxis, rickshaws, movie theaters—sothat one is inundated with Hindu divinities. Also,there are certain gods who are worshipped in Indiaregardless of religious affiliation, such as Ganesh, sothat they become cultural as well as religious icons.

LanguageAs mentioned earlier, there are 14 official

languages in India, with hundreds of differentdialects. For the second or third generation Indian,language may facilitate or impede intimacy withparents and relatives. Additionally, the ability orinability to speak the parents’ mother tongue willlikely influence one’s relationship with the culture oforigin, as many ideas and pieces of history may not beconveyed as potently in translation. The use oflanguage in South Asian, as well as other Asian,cultures is also important in that language conveysrelational messages. For example, in Gujarati or Hindithere is no true word which means good-bye. In

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Gujarati, the parting remark is typically owjoe, theliteral translation of which is “come again.” In Hindi,the word Namaste is used to say both hello and good-bye. Additionally, respect and relative status orfamiliarity is conveyed by differential use ofpronouns, for example, the use of thamey (formal) orthu (informal) for “you.”

Psychological UnderstandingSome aspects of relational and psychodynamic

theories may be integrated and understood within thecontext of Indian culture.

Relational/Cultural TheoryRelational/Cultural Theory talks about the

centrality of relationships in people’s lives and theways in which relational ties may be growth-enhancing or in negative, destructive relationships,can stunt and even damage a person’s self-image andrelational ability. One aspect of Indian culture is therole of rituals. The function of rituals in maintainingtraditions and mores has been well documented.Essentially, rituals formalize and honor relational ties,often in public ways, and convey the nature andimportance of relationship within a given culture.

There are countless rituals within Indian society;so I will give only a few examples. During Raksha-bundan, a yearly ceremony which honors the brother-sister relationship, a sister ties a decorative stringbracelet on her brother’s wrist, signifying protectionfrom bad luck, etc. In turn, the brother presents thesister with a gift, symbolizing his gratitude. While thisceremony is not elaborate but carried out in theprivacy of the family home, the brother wears thebracelet until it literally falls off, so it becomes a publicsymbol.

Another ritual is a Hindu pre-wedding ceremonywhen the woman’s family prepares her to leave home.While the groom’s family does not attend this pre-wedding ceremony, the bride’s friends and relativesare typically involved. This ceremony essentiallyformalizes the daughter leaving her home. Pregnancyceremonies, which vary across jats and religion,remind the daughter that she is always welcomehome. The daughter goes back to her parents’ homeso that her mother can be with her as she delivers herfirst baby.

EmpathyOne major tenet of Relational/Cultural Theory,

the importance of empathy, has been discussedextensively by Judith Jordan (1991). Jordan talksabout the complex nature of empathy, comprised of

both affective and cognitive components.Additionally, she speaks of the need for ego strengthand flexible ego boundaries in order to accuratelyunderstand the experience of another whilemaintaining a distinct sense of self. According toRoland, Indian family members are often exquisitelysensitive to the needs of others and may subtly act inways which take care of those needs. Additionally, henotes that often when family members or evenacquaintances are conflict avoidant, it is to protect theother’s esteem. This is in dramatic contrast to Westernculture, in which conflict is avoided to preserverelationships, not necessarily the well-being of theother. It would seem then, that the degree to whichempathy is cultivated, and the use of empathy, may beculture-dependent.

Empathy in Western culture is often thought ofin terms of dyad relationships. Given the importanceof the Indian family and extended family system, itwould seem that there would be multiplerelationships which exist simultaneously and whichpull at once for various relational needs and empathicdemands? This may be related to early caretaking byextended family members and friends. So, does theneed to feel empathy for more than one person, oftensimultaneously, require a stronger ego strength butwith extremely flexible and permeable boundaries? Isthis comparable to the assertion that women’s finessein relationships requires flexible ego boundaries? Ifso, is there a way in which the Indian cultural systemhas an inherently female/feminine base?

As a therapist working with South Asianstudents, our task is to respond empathically to thestudent and to the student’s family’s experience.Given the attunement to the therapist, the student mayquickly pick up on a tendency to judge or criticize theparents’ position because it may be different from ourexperience. In a sense, it is about thinking like afamily therapist when one is alone in the room withthe student.

PowerJean Baker Miller (1991) has talked about

women’s fear of power as it is defined by male terms,and that women tend to equate their own power withaggression and, sometimes, abandonment.Relational/Cultural Theory suggests that women’spower in relationships, and their ability to empowerothers via relationships, has been historically ignored.When many people think of Indian culture, the imagesof bride burning, dowry, and general oppression cometo mind. How then do we make sense of an IndianPrime Minister, or the long history of women doctors,

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attorneys, and women in Parliament. Westerners maypoint to the caste system, saying that only privilegedwomen can rise to such ranks. However, there iscurrently an Indian woman in Parliament who is ofthe “scheduled caste.”

The reality is that there are both oppressed andpowerful women in India, and have been for a longtime. Again, it is about the shifting nature of powerconferred on Indian women both in society and withinthe family (Kakar, 1978; Roland, 1988; Sinha, 1997).Historically, according to caste, women havepossessed power not only in society, but—akin toRelational/Cultural Theory—definite power in familyrelationships, even among the oppressed caste.Roland has discussed what he calls “qualitativehierarchical” and “quantitative hierarchical”relationships, referring to the rather fluid nature of thepower granted to a member in the relationship andstatus depending on ability/expert status (qualitative)or family position (quantitative). In this way, adaughter may carry power in one situation whilebeing overlooked in other ways.

Psychodynamic Theory

Early Mother-Child AttachmentTraditional psychodynamic theory talks of the

mother-child bond and the pathological ways in whichmothers can maintain symbiotic ties with their childresulting in poor ego development and a lessdifferentiated sense of core self. As the Stone Centerrelational theorists have pointed out, the emphasis onmother-child separation is harmful by labeling mutualneeds as dependency. The idea that a more selfsufficient, even more exploratory child may reflectmaturity is in itself a culturally biased view. If in fact,as Kakar and Roland have described, Indian childrenare reared to be highly attuned to the needs of theother—and, initially, the needs of the mother—withthe expectation of reciprocity in relationshipsthroughout life, the Western ideal of maturity andindependence does not apply.

As mentioned earlier, the mother-sonrelationship is often more intense than a daughter’sties with her mother. So, perhaps it is easier for ayoung woman to form a personal identity or pursuecollege, as her mother has no claim on her for herfuture (as she does for her son). Additionally, themother may want her daughter to have the freedomand liberation she did not have.

Cultural differences in mothering may affectintergenerational relationships because of the way inwhich the mother was raised—within a highly

protected, symbiotic mother-child relationship—ismarkedly different from the Western notions ofmothering. So, when an Indian mother, now living inthe U.S., gives birth and is rearing her child, theimpulse perhaps is to hold on tightly, to fully satiate,and to never deprive the child. However, the socialmilieu in which she lives stresses optimal frustration,setting limits, having the child sleep in her own bed—notions which are not only culturally foreign but likelyintuitively distasteful to the mother. The emphasis onthe independence of the child may perhaps bethreatening or even anxiety producing for the motherwho has never, in her early developmental years,experienced such psychological separation. Howthen, does the mother’s anxiety impact her child?How does the mother respond to her fear of losing thechild, which within her subculture (the Indiancommunity) still represents status?

Superego/Ego IdealRoland (1988) has suggested that for Indians the

ego ideal may hold a more prominent position in theIndian psyche than the superego. He makes thisobservation during the course of his clinical work bynoting that the boundaries between right and wrongappear flexible. That is, there appears to be a tendencytoward contextually based behavior by which one maybe a strict vegetarian and a Hindu, but eat meat for awork dinner and not feel conflicted. Traditionally,dynamic theorists have viewed this as an indication ofa weak superego. However, it would seem to beculturally consistent that if the ego must be flexibleenough to allow ongoing empathic exchange thenperhaps this flexibility also allows for contextuallybased choices, which may be contradictory yet remainego syntonic. It would be interesting to examine anyrelationship between Indian mythology, whichsometimes transcends religious differences anddevelopment of the ego ideal.

Narcissism Regarding the concept of narcissism, Roland

(1988) points out that narcissism in Indian families ismore about “we self regard” than individualnarcissism as we think of it. Again, how does thestrong mother-child bond with its emphasis ongratification and positive mirroring shape narcissismin the traditional Indian psyche?

Clinical CaseAt this point I would like to end by offering a

case illustration. Sonya is a South Asian collegestudent who was raised in the United States by her

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parents, both of whom immigrated from India. Sonyahas two sisters. She pursued therapy due to long-standing struggles with depression and variousemotional difficulties many of which were apparentlyrelated to childhood physical, verbal, and emotionalabuse by her father. Sonya purposefully sought out aSouth Asian therapist, saying that she felt an Indiancounselor would “understand” her distress. While Imet with Sonya for only 9 out of 10 scheduledsessions, the degree to which she immersed herself inthe therapeutic work was impressive.

We had an imposed time limit to therapy as thecollege term was coming to an end. Throughout thecourse of our brief therapy, Sonya talked about feelingmarginalized in the context of her collegeenvironment, and that in some way she was lessvalued relative to the majority, Caucasian population.She also talked of her difficulties in establishing close,trusting relationships with men and women. Finally,Sonya used therapy as a place to voice her experiencesof abuse at the hands of her father. In order to morefully understand Sonya’s experiences, I will describesome underlying themes which will hopefullyilluminate her experiences.

Shame Regarding a Self-perceived Falseness ofSelf

When Sonya talked about feeling marginalized,she articulated a sense of feeling overlooked andrejected by others. Exploring further, she was able toarticulate a sense that she was bad and false. Theseissues of badness and lack of self worth were central toSonya’s experience. Even when her accomplishmentswere impressive, such as winning prestigious awardsand grants, Sonya felt undeserving. Predictably, shecould not easily accept praise since she felt that whenpeople congratulated her they were acknowledgingonly her external self. They did not know all of herand if they did, they too would find she wasunacceptable and bad.

Overall, her self worth was deeply tied toperceived rejection or acceptance by others. Most ofthe times when Sonya talked about feelingmarginalized, it was in relation to superiors ormembers of the majority American culture. Herthoughts and opinions were not heard because shewas Indian, whereas a white student expressingsimilar views would be lauded. Clearly, she created adilemma for herself because when she did gainrecognition, she diminished her self, but was quick tofeel slighted when others were applauded for theirabilities.

Sonya also described experiences of

marginalization in relation to her involvement invarious campus organizations. Interestingly, Sonyafelt most accepted in a political group which shelabeled as “radical.” This group was comprised ofnon-South Asian students, and in fact, most of Sonya’sfriend were not of Asian descent. This left her feelingconflicted, as she spent much time trying to findacceptance from the Indian community. She describedfeeling like a misfit with many South Asian studentsbecause they were, as she saw it, intimidated by herstrong views. It follows that her use of the term“radical” in describing an organization may alsoreflect her self-perception as one who is in contrast toIndian culture.

Deep Ambivalence Towards FatherSonya described her father as a controlling and

volatile man who was emotionally abusive to familymembers. While she minimized the actual occurrenceof physical violence, she admitted that there wasalways the threat of violence. Sonya gained supportfrom teachers in whom she confided, and also gainedconfidence through her performance and achievementin school. As she grew older, her father became moreviolent toward her mother, which resulted in Sonyadefending her mother, at one point, calling the police.This action, which violated cultural and family taboosabout not revealing one’s problems to outsiders,enraged her father. She recalls that after this, herfather tormented her in ways which were even morepsychologically painful: one time he threw awaysome of the novels by which Sonya escaped the realityof her life.

Even with the degree of hostility and fear thatexisted between Sonya and her father, she steadfastlyrespected his intellect. She talked about his passionfor politics; although, even here they clashed. In termsof her ambivalence regarding her father, Sonya talkedabout becoming more aware of the dichotomy inherself. One session, she talked about the rage andhatred she felt toward him. While growing up, shewas often told by others to try to find the humanity inhim. When asked what it felt like for her to talk aboutthis in therapy, Sonya responded, “Where is mycompassion?” Even within her anger, Sonya tried toempathize with her father and was disappointed inherself that she could not. She felt that the abuse kepther attached to him and was terrified that she mightbecome as hateful as he is.

Sonya struggled to understand how her motherhas been able to live with her father for so many years.We talked about cultural restraints and expectations.We talked about the role of religion in supporting her

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mother and providing hope. While Sonya describedherself as only culturally Hindu, she described hermother as devoutly religious.

Early in therapy, after her disclosure of familyviolence, I suggested that Sonya read Trauma andRecovery (Herman, 1992). Like a diligent student, shebegan reading the book and over the course of therapywould critique various chapters. She found theinformation useful but did not seem comforted orparticularly moved by the book.

Sonya’s Sense of IsolationSonya talked of her despair at not having found a

“kindred spirit” in her life. While she has manyacquaintances, she formed few close friendships. Shediscovered long ago that she could not reveal personalparts of herself to others, even when friends confidedin her. She commented sadly, “No one really knowsthe personal, spiritual side of me.” We talked quite abit in therapy about how Sonya coped with theloneliness by distancing her feelings and focusing onher intellect. Additionally, she could safely developfriendships around political causes which, bydefinition, were focused on something public, notprivate. As she learned more about the impact offamilial violence on her life, she enthusiastically raisedpossibilities of public speaking and other forms ofeducation in an attempt to help others. At one point,she suggested that she and I present a workshop at aconference.

Given Sonya’s age, the issue of romanticrelationships naturally surfaced frequently in therapy.She had been seriously involved with a young manwho lives in India. However, she felt he did not knowher “American side.” While he was liberal, he did notknow all of her, since he had only known her in India.There were pieces of her romantic life that sherevealed somewhat hesitantly, or not at all, and Iwondered whether she feared being judged as radicalby her Indian therapist, similar to her experiencewithin the Indian community.

Identity: Personal and CulturalThe following session revealed the fragility and

resilience in Sonya’s psychological makeup: Sonyaarrived 35 minutes late to session. She entered indisarray and was excited about a book she wasreading and felt that the author so accurately voicedher experience. She suggested I read the book, entitledSeven Sixes Are Forty Three (Nagarkar, 1980). Sonyaread the following passage from the book:

When I first saw you, your eyes seemedextraordinary. Even through your glasses. I hadnever seen eyes that were so wide, and whichhid so much. If I had walked straight throughthem for a mile or two, I still wouldn’t havefound you. Yet they were so open, so expressive.When I talked to you, I had the feeling of talkingto two people at once. You had built a wallround yourself, in self-defense against yourbrilliant and temperamental father. To spite him.It worked. But then you got trapped within thewall. You couldn’t escape from it, and you nevertried to. It was safe in there. Yet in seeking thatsafety, you had lost your freedom, your capacityto grow. (p. 91)

When she finished reading, Sonya looked at mewith tears in her eyes, amazed. From what she hadtold me about her experience, this passage did indeedcapture who she was. While Sonya revealed herselfthrough the startling images and words in the passage,it was a dramatic shift from our last session, duringwhich she directly expressed her animosity andambivalence toward her father. Today she returned toher intellectualizing stance, using a form of expressionwhich was one step removed from her self. Given thatwe were ending therapy soon, her natural inclinationseemed appropriate and in many ways a relief for meas she was clearly able to gather up her defenses toprotect her self.

Sonya’s choice of Seven Sixes Are Forty Three wastelling because it is a book about, among other things,various kinds of violence in relationships. The authoris an Indian man, and the book, in translation, is set inIndia. What did this suggest about where her identityis located? Throughout therapy and embedded in herstruggles was the issue of her cultural identity. Shefelt marginalized in what she repeatedly called the“white,” American culture, and yet she felt “radical”in the Indian community. But when it came to findingsolace for her trauma, she found it not in a compellingand often referenced American book, Trauma andRecovery, but in a book firmly rooted in India. Whatdid this mean in terms of loyalty to her family andculture?

Transference and CountertransferenceFinally, I want to make a few observations about

transference and countertransference in our work.First, I was struck by how quickly Sonya seemed toconnect in therapy; and noticed that I, too, felt veryengaged with her. At times we talked about herearlier, unsuccessful attempts at therapy and what

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was different about this treatment. While Sonya didnot verbally acknowledge my being Indian, I felt thatshe often gave me expert power and legitimacybecause we share a culture. Her assumption that Ifully understood her experience was conveyedthrough her eye contact, head movements, andnodding as if to say that I was really “getting it.”

Addendum: At some point after terminatingtherapy, Sonya sent me a packet which containedinformation about domestic violence in Asiancommunities. She included a note of thanks andindicated that she might be in touch with me in thefuture.

Discussion SummaryEach colloquium lecture is followed by a discussion so

that members of the panel, the audience, and the presentercan exchange ideas. Panel members who participated in thissession were: Margarita Alvarez, Ph.D., Judith Jordan,Ph.D., and Usha Tummala-Narra, Ph.D. Robin Cook-Nobles, Ph.D., moderated this evening’s discussion.

Question: Given the reciprocity and communalempathy, I was wondering about the incidence ofinterpersonal violence and violence against women inIndian culture? I was thinking it might be lowerbecause boys, until the age of five, have that closebond with the mother, and the brother-sister bonds arestrong.

Tummala-Narra: I read a statistic recently thatcame out in 1997, which reported that the incidence ofdomestic violence in this country among Indians isgrowing and it’s near the 7% that are the nationalreports in America. The Indian-American culture israpidly changing and the communities here havedifferent divisions. There are men here who want togo back to India and marry and return with theirbride, often times with the perception and expectationthat their bride will be more accommodating and havetraditional values. Unfortunately, in some of thosecases the woman comes here with no family ties andno social support. So, if she finds herself in a violentrelationship, she doesn’t necessarily know how to gethelp. The idea of trauma, as we have formalized it inthis country, is probably not as well discussed inIndian culture which doesn’t necessarily see physicalabuse as being abusive all the time, even though itmay be for the individual person. Physicalpunishment happens much more frequently than onewould think. So, it’s interesting how Sonya copes withit. How does she separate out this traumatic eventand how does she manage the issue of separating fromher family when there is no framework available to

her within the culture?Desai: My perception was that she feared

separating from her family because that would meanshe would become like her father—as if there was stillmore she needed to work out for herself within herfamily.

Comment: I was wondering about theexpectation, for the man, that someone is going to bethere forever. What does it mean for a man to havesomeone meet all of his needs as a child for five or soyears? Suddenly, as an adult, it’s expected that he willbe out in the world, and he may have the sameexpectation that someone will be there to take care ofhim. And what happens if he doesn’t find that?Maybe he gets angry or violent?

Question: The presentation gave us an idea ofhow complicated Indian culture is. I was interested inthe idea of empathy in the context of the expectationthat people be responsive to and responsible for manymembers in the family. In Western families that senseof pervasive and deep responsiveness is certainly notexpected, although it happens to some degree. InIndian families, is it really known that people shouldbe sensitive to other people's experience?

Desai: I don’t know if it’s overt awareness ofbeing sensitive, but rather about being aware that youdon’t necessarily do what you want to do and makechoices in your life based exclusively on what youwant. Culturally, that’s considered selfish. It’s aboutmaking sure that everyone else is OK with yourchoices and, in some ways, making sure that otherpeople’s needs are met within the family. I realize asI’m saying this that in Western culture this sounds likethe pathologized notion of co-dependency as we thinkabout women sacrificing themselves for others. Butthere is a mechanism so that within a healthy familysystem you get something in return; your needs aremet as well. I think it comes back to the idea of acommunal aspect to the self.

Jordan: It sounds like it’s really much moremutual and much more about representing yourselfwith the awareness of the needs and feelings of theother; it isn’t just eliminating yourself or eliminatingthe other. This presentation raised some questions forme about empathy in a situation where the familyrelationships are so powerful and where we’re not justtalking about dyadic empathy. I was thinking aboutyour student and how she was bringing such a strongrelational value system and sense of self into aWestern college, which can be such a non-relationalcontext. It left her feeling isolated and marginalizedand how common that is for people who come fromcultures that are more relational than ours.

(C)1999 Desai,L.

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Tummala-Narra: I also think that there might besome gender difference in this as well. Indiandaughters and women are raised to be much moreaware of others’ needs and to be able to accommodatethose needs. I think most younger women growing upin the United States or other countries are taught that“you need to adjust when you get married.” In India,marriage is the biggest goal, really, that families havefor their daughters. They might encourage them tohave a career and education, but, at the same time, theultimate goal is to get married. I think marriage issupposed to be a permanent alliance of families notjust individuals, and so you’re accommodating andpreparing yourself for the future. So I think thesocialization is different for women than for the men.

Cook-Nobles: There are lots of parallels withother cultures. Talking about mothers and sons, inBlack families, that is a very tight relationship andthere is a strong allegiance.

Jordan: We spend a lot of time talking aboutlanguage at the Stone Center and I was thinking aboutyour example that there is no real word for “good-bye.” There is something about the fact that we havesuch a culture of separation. It always impresses mehow the Euro-American culture is so hyper-individualistic.

Comment: I was reflecting on the issue ofSonya’s political involvement which I foundinteresting. I had two thoughts about it. One is thatmaybe she was looking for a larger community—something bigger that she could identify with beyondher family. The second point is about the part that atherapist plays in a situation like that because she wasreally inviting you to take a part in that larger family.What do we do in a situation like that? How do wehonor that need to connect without losing our ownboundaries?

Desai: I think that her invitation in a sensesymbolized that, for her, I was already included in herpsychological family. I felt the boundaries weresolidly in place, but that perhaps she was voicing herwish to have our relationship transform intosomething that reached beyond the scope of therapy. Ialso thought of her political involvement in a couple ofways different than that. First, I thought it was a wayin which she could try to identify with a positiveaspect of her father, because even though she did notrespect him in many ways, she respected his politicalintensity. I also think that she was trying to find herplace in the world and, if her personal self felt tootenuous, then perhaps she could try to find a place forthe political aspect of her self.

Alvarez: I’m also wondering what else she wasenacting in terms of the father. Since Sonya’s parentshave three daughters, what happens if there is anexpectation of a son? If the mother gains statusthrough her sons and the mother doesn’t have that,then what does she do? Also, what does the fathergain in not having the son?

Tummala-Narra: Yes. Often times the sonassumes the power and also the position ofintelligence in the family, and I wonder if that’sanother way for Sonya to identify with her father. Itmay be that she became politically involved becausethat was one way for her to feel more intelligent.

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