5

A word from the writer

Western World is a funny world.

It is to me at least – an Eastern European girl – who was literally propelled into this authentic world, through marriage to a Westerner.

Now, everything that happened in my life, before that eye opening experience, seems like an extended version of the army training. Why so? Because when you are born and raised in a third world country, particularly in a former Soviet Union state, and you are ripped out of your home town and put into a Western environment, you start to really realize how much stronger, wiser and meaner we are comparing to the ‘’modern’’ people. The arising question would be whether this is a good thing or a bad thing in terms of survival? - I am not the one to judge, yet one thing is certain: Eastern European women WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE A PART OF THE WESTERN WORLD, even after decades of living in it.

Perhaps this book is designed mostly for the Western male readers,

which is good, as this was my intention from the very beginning. As I am writing this down, I can see you guys thinking to yourself right now: ‘’How can she possibly say that? She is taken out of the gutter and put into a decent house, fed good food, dressed good quality clothes and given the best medical treatment in the world. She was given everything she would have never had with a Russian man, and yet she is so ungrateful!’’. I love it when Western men think that way; I can instantly read it in their eyes that to them the Russian woman acts differently compared to how a Western woman would react in a banal situation; because it is always the same pattern, repeating itself over and over again, from couple to couple.

Obviously there is much more to it than just moving countries. There IS AN ADDAPTATION PROCESS out there, that none of the partners can predict nor prevent – it is as normal as the necessity to take probiotics after a lengthy antibiotic course, yet nobody ever bothers with it. What Western men don’t understand, when ‘’taking a Russian bride out of the gutter’’, is that she is actually a human being, and not a dog or a cat that could move planets without any problems, if you only show it a big bone. I would personally compare this adaptation process to a recovery after a general narcosis for a minor operation – slow, painful and graduate, accompanied with the constant remainder of the doubt whether you have done the right thing. You know that there is no going back after an operation, but you still

6

keep doubting whether you might have been better off without it, or in less pain at the very least.

In this book, I will try to cover all the major discrepancies between the mentality of Eastern European women and Western men, as well as, explain in great detail the reason why these problems occur and how they can be avoided, simply by acknowledging them at first, and then engaging patience and understanding into solving them. Please understand that your marriage can be saved, if only you can bring yourself to understand that there is an enormous gap between the mind of a Russian bride and a Western groom. Furthermore, I will refer with the term ‘’Russian woman’’ or ‘’Russian bride’’ to the women from all the former Russian Soviet Union States (so called Eastern European), as we all have been brought up in the same way – the ‘’communist way’’; and a ‘’Western man’’ would be anyone outside those premises.

7

Intro

If you are reading this in English, the chances are that you are a Westerner who has set his mind into marring a “Russian woman”. Actually, I wrote this book for both of you: the “Western man” (all of the first world countries), and the “Eastern European woman” (all of the former Soviet Union countries). As it has been mentioned above, I will simply call the man a "Westerner", and the woman - “Russian”, as most of us - the Eastern European women understand at least a little Russian, and most importantly think in a deep Russian way.

I do believe that matters related to this field should have been discussed and clarified a long time ago, as there is too much controversy about the whole “Russian bride” phenomenon. Whenever you Google it, all you can see is the word “SCAM” plastered all over the page and that makes me sad…, because I have been a "Russian bride" for quite a few times myself, and every single time, it was a sincere and honest attempt to find happiness and serenity in a family life with a foreigner.

My extensive experience, plus the multitude of real life stories that I have encountered during my journey as a “Russian bride”, have given me the inspiration to write this book. My target is to help those people who are trying to find peace and serenity inside an international marriage and simply do not know how to make it work. I guarantee it will help you understand matters better.

8

The background of a “Russian woman”

If you know a little history, then perhaps you are familiar with the events that led to the formation and then the fall of a great Empire: The USSR. Its citizens lived in constant fear: the fear of being deported to Siberia, the fear of imprisonment, the fear of starvation, and finally the fear of saying something that the State would dislike and then punish cruelly. Our nations went through great psychological traumas during the Wars and long after they ended. People like my grandmother for example (70 years old), are still buying too much food, in a subconscious fear of not having anything to eat the next day, or not having enough provisions to feed the children. The War has ended a long time ago, yet they are still living it.

Women like my grandmother have been “teachers” to our mothers, showing them the true values of a family and the way to build a healthy and strong relationship.

At this point I would like to quote a Russian anecdote about the typical thinking of a Russian woman:

“A Russian woman was once cooking a meal for her Russian husband. She was frying some bacon in a pan, yet the meat was cut in perfectly symmetrical squares. Casually passing by the stove, the man asked her:

- Why do you always cut the meat in square shapes?

To which the woman answered:

- I’ve never thought about it. I don’t know… my mother did it that way!

After a good laugh at the matter, having finished the delicious meal, they decided to call granny and ask her why she cut her bacon in squares. Granny's answer was:

- I don’t know! My mother did it that way since I was a little girl!

Now the subject has become a real curiosity for the couple so they have made the last effort in discovering the “secret”. After numerous calls into

9

the countryside, the great-grandmother has finally picked up the phone. They asked her:

- Granny, why did you cut your bacon into square shapes?

The old woman said:

- Dear, it’s just that my frying pan was way too small!”

And this kind of mentality has guided the Russian woman into the modern life. Imagine how “modern” she has made it for herself.

10

Our family values

Since I was little (and that wasn’t that much time ago), especially for a potential Western husband for me, who would be 15-20 years older (statistically), it was drummed into my head every day, that I need to be very well trained to keep the house in perfect condition. That meant being a good cook, a good cleaner and a pleasing woman to my man. That was what I was told, and that was what I saw in my home, my friends’ homes and everywhere, in all of the Russian TV Shows or movies. That was our culture. The woman always knew that her destiny was to be a housewife, and that the inevitable step in her life would be to get married and have children. That was her final goal, her final step in life. Perhaps for this reason you can see so many Russian women that, at the age of only 40, look as the Western women in their 60’s do. That’s because they reached their “final destination” when they got married and had kids - in their 20’s… Why keep growing when you have already achieved “everything”? Most of them allow themselves to get fat and lazy short after the wedding, their daily life consisting of: waking up in the morning; cooking breakfast and meals for school; sending kids to school; cleaning; then cooking lunch again; feeding the kids when they return from school; doing the washing up; by the time she does a few things around the house it’s getting close to dinner time and she is cooking again; when the husband comes home (usually very stressed, as the poverty, the bureaucratic system and the miserable salary in the Russian states would make any human being insane) she is patiently listening to his complaints; then he gets drunk and starts offending her for not being beautiful and fit, for becoming fat and lazy during the years (and technically he is right for saying this, yet she does not know any other ways – as she has already accomplished her mission in life and can now allow herself to “retire”…); waiting till he’s drunk enough to fall asleep (usually dressed); if she has not been beaten that evening, she can now undress him, put the kids to bed after they have witnessed the “late night show”, and by 11.30 PM she can finally have some time for herself???!!!

Would you have any appetite for body treatments or any sex drive after that? Or perhaps any desire to read a book? Only of course, if one of her

11

eyes is not too blue or blotted by the hit of a male’s hand, so that she can see the letters clearly with the other one… That is, if she can still concentrate to understand the words in the book after another day of pain, delusion and mistreat.

Believe me, 80% of Russian relationships are like this. The remaining 20% are either rich enough to have a different lifestyle, which allows them to travel and thus have access to other cultures and see different ways of living; or are simply fortunate, but these are in a very low number.

This is a dialogue that I recently witnessed between two young girls. One of them just got married so her friend asks her:

- Congratulations dear! So, what now? What’s next? Are you planning to open up some kind of a business for yourself?

- Oh no! I’ve already accomplished my “life’s business”!

Not exactly a progressive mentality.

The long history of Wars, plus this kind of mentality, has left our women with a very little number of worthy men, those being usually much older agewise, as that’s when a man gets mature enough to start a family. The number of good young pretty and family oriented girls in Russia is huge, yet for every 5 of them there might only be one worthy man. The competition in these conditions becomes grueling.

The Russian man, who is not to be excluded from the subject of this book, as he is also a very important element in the forming of the Russian bride’s mentality. Just like his consorts, he has seen his father treat his mother in a certain way, so he is just subconsciously following the same steps. He will suffer internally from this lifestyle as well, yet just like his wife, he simply doesn’t know a better way. It has been like this for decades.

Living like this is as normal in Russia as drinking vodka on a business meeting.

12

Alcohol is a big problem for the Russian man. Almost every one of them drinks; and if you refuse, you will be discriminated and called “traitor” of the nation. What’s drinking got to do with the nation, I don’t know, but that is the present mentality of Russian men. This way of thinking turned the country to being alcohol dominated and in order to change something, the “mind” of the mass needs a total reconstruction.

In the meantime, the Russian woman doesn’t want to wait any longer to become happy.

In her eternal suffering she finds a glimpse of hope - the Western world. That “Hollywood” situation that gets portrayed on TV seems so fascinating and peaceful to her. Contrary to her present situation that seems to be the salvation world - so she believes in it and obviously starts searching.

She starts searching for the same things again; yet transported into a new world, a world that according to her illusions would bring her the happiness she’s so desperately looking for: the ”peace and love”. She looks for the “perfect Westerner”, the same one portrayed in the movies, who will give her the serenity and security she’s been always wishing for; she desperately believes and hopes to find these qualities in him, as the hope to find those in her Russian partner has already been lost a long time ago, right after the first bruise.

The way to access the Western world from Russia is only possible via the internet - the greatest invention of the century. Our states (all of the former Soviet Union countries) have extremely tensioned political relations with the West; therefore most of the first world countries have imposed a visa requirement upon us. And I don’t blame them, why let the young beautiful and family oriented women into the country? They will “steal” their men and leave their own women all “alone” in their eternal hunger for wealth and money. Of course, I understand that there is much more to the international relations between the countries than just that, with issues like: corruption, theft and other, but in this book I’d like to concentrate mostly on the spouse relationship side.

13

The “Great Illusion”

The Russian woman…, oh, this Russian woman. How desperately she wishes to accomplish what her mother taught her to do best – create a happy family. She has now moved on with the times as well, even though the shift was very minor and slow, and regardless of her age or economic situation, she has finally learned to use the computer.

I know it makes you laugh when you read this, but when you see people, like my mother for example, sitting at the computer, with one of her fingers stretched in great tension, in desperate search for the right button, you’ll laugh loudly then. As for me, a woman that is now completely westernized, it is a sad realization of how backwards our nation is, in terms of communications, and not only.

These women are driven by the dream of a perfect pink life that can “only” be offered to them abroad.

One of the primary sources of the “great illusion” is the Russian media, that besides the 4 or 5 basic communist movies, watched over and over, by every and each one of us, for at least a thousand times at literally every Christmas, Easter and New Year, has nothing left to do but introduce a Western compilation into the public view. And, as they don’t want it to look way too good in the eyes of the population, the “Russian All Seeing Eye” first decides to push in a phenomenon that’s called a Mexican or Spanish “Telenovela” (if you’re American, perhaps you have seen the Mexicans watch it all the time). Practically it is a kind of a soap opera, but compared to the American ”The bold and the beautiful”, it has a much simpler story line and it usually takes place in the medieval times. Imagine how much one’s intelligence grows by watching that crap?!

The Russian government has introduced it on TV screens in the early 90’s, and since then every single evening the population finds it to be the greatest “relaxing time”, to watch what Huan did to Pancita in the next episode.

14

Now, who do you think has the time to watch that beauty? Women of course, as they have time to do it, most of them being at home the whole day, whilst men are at work. And that same soap opera becomes the subject of the day for women chats.

It becomes a drug. But this drug gives a model of life. Usually it shows a house of very wealthy people, a beautiful mansion, where the characters don’t seem to find peace in their love lives. It portrays love, jealousy, power, great sentimentalism and beautiful emotions.

Of course a Russian woman finds her psychological escape in it. For her, it is a dream world. She wishes she could live like this. She thinks: “I live in this ugly apartment, with this ugly drunk husband, with rude neighbors and I never have enough money to even eat what I want. If only I could live in Brazil, and have all these beautiful clothes and have enough money to have my hair done everyday, I’d be the happiest woman in the world! For the man that would give me such an opportunity I’d give my all!”

Can you blame her for her wishes?

I don’t, because I understand her. I too, have been like this, so many years ago…

Now, after I have traveled the world, I clearly realize the realities of the foreign countries. Of course, I’ve witnessed the real life in Brazil’s favelas, knowing way too well how most Brazilians live, and in what conditions. But let that woman live in hope of a dream. It keeps her going.

This is the typical case of a Russian woman that after a “long” search finds the “perfect” American.

She finally finds him, after displaying her short profile on a basic dating site, and being quite good looking in the Westerner’s eye (comparing to the average Western women), after explaining in great detail what she values in life and then likes to execute: like cooking and cleaning (see any Russian woman profile on a typical dating site), of course she instantly becomes

15

attractive to him. He thinks of her as his little treasure acquisition; while she thinks of him as of her saver, her Prince.

And this is where the problems start.

He tells her that he has his own nice house, that it is located in a green area. He says he has a good job, but that it provides enough income to give him space and time for a personal life. He says that he appreciates and admires all the things that she “enjoys” doing, and that basically she is the woman that he has always dreamed of. So he wants to meet her.

Of course, being a Westerner (no offence), he doesn’t have much desire to lift his ass off the sofa and “go get his Princess”. It is much easier to talk on the computer, in his free time, than crossing the Atlantic having to change four planes and God knows how many buses in order to get to her and eventually propose. I’m not talking about the cost of the trip.

So he decides to send her some money, this being a better deal for him than getting there himself, just enough for her to get her visa and her flight. If she is lucky enough to get a visa (those are like 2% off all the applications), than she finally gets to “her Hollywood”. He meets her at the Airport. She is all dressed up and with pronounced lines of make-up on her face, trying to look fresh and clean on her first encounter with her future husband. Him - well, in his trainers and his normal clothes, just his usual self, perhaps a little less attractive then in the photo on his profile.

Before the fairy tale begins, I’d like to tell you about the visa processing. This information is crucial for you to know before you start any of your dreaming.

16

The visa processing

Interesting observation: all of the staff (employees) who work at the Embassies located in Eastern Europe or Russia, besides the Ambassador himself and the Entry Clearance Officers, are locals. That means that before you even get to speak to somebody from your country you have to get past them first. What I mean by that is that in order to get any useful information on the paperwork or an appointment you have to queue outside with the rest of the people for about 3 hours, then talk to the reception girl, that hasn’t got a clue about your needs or working time schedules and is normally not very helpful. Then maybe, if you are lucky, you will get some basic help. Whatever visa you are applying for: fiancée or spouse, you will need more documents than you have probably seen in your entire life, including health certificates and each of your divorce certificates (if that’s your case). Before you put together all the paperwork, that being a long, complicated and costly process, you will probably feel drained and disappointed. That is because, from her side, she will also need a huge package of documents, all having to be legalized with special seals from different Ministries. You will not be able to bypass the bureaucratic system; they will make you both run in and out of that place, asking for more and more documents. Then you will need to prove a prior history together, which is hard at times, especially if you met on the internet.

By the way, if you mention that you met online, your application will instantly be put on the bottom of the pile because they start from the assumption that your marriage is not “subsisting”, which means that, in their view, it probably wouldn’t last. Believe it or not, they do have the right to presume that by immigration laws and can easily just refuse entry to your spouse just by founding their decision on that paragraph alone. That is completely up to the CEO personal opinion. Many foreigners have been caught on that, and as a result of a long Appeal process have finally given up trying.

The reason is that the Embassy workers are responsible for the people to whom they issue visas. Many locals make arranged marriages to get long term visas, so the Embassy staff shamelessly use this lame excuse in order

17

to refuse your request based on the fact that some document doesn’t look genuine enough to them. Funny that is, really, as each and every one of the Entry Clearance Officers knows, after years of working in the field, that the “fake” ones are those who know exactly how to make their paperwork look 100% perfect. Life is ironic, but they too need to get their numbers at the end of the month.

You see, us, the Eastern European women, living in this difficult and corrupt system, we are used to run around providing whatever they want in order to achieve our target (we have no other choice), but you guys are normally completely shocked by what you get into, when starting the visa process for your bride. They make you provide all sorts of paperwork you’ve lost long time ago, or simply have never even thought you’d ever need it. Consider the fact that many Americans don’t even have a passport (rumour has it that George Bush never exited America before he got to his 50’s - no comment about that one).

So it gets very difficult at times. After many DHL’s, and lots of frustration, you finally fix your appointment, which is something like a month later. You wait. Nobody ever questions your working schedule or whether you can even afford all this process. They just make you follow their rules and believe me; they will take the maximum of time that they are allowed by law.

All this is quite of a strain to the relationship. In the meantime you have to keep the relationship going by phone, at distance, because you can’t loose your job abroad. That keeps you distant from her, and gives birth to a whole load of suspicions between you. After, the Officer himself will put into doubt why the two of you have stayed apart for so long. Technically creating the incommodity himself, he will then motivate his refusal by saying that you two have not spent enough time together, in other words, if you were to love each other that much you wouldn’t have left your future spouse. But you have a job at home, and all these expenses? Also, normally, the Westerner supports his future wife financially, so that also gives an interesting twist to the situation.

18

In the same time, if you are wealthy enough to stay in Russia whilst waiting for the appointment, it creates a lot of discomfort being in an environment that you are not used to, people that are much more aggressive on the streets than in your native country, living costs unfairly higher than back home, and so on. Whoever has been in an ex-soviet country knows what I’m talking about.

All those things give a strain to the relationship, especially at its fragile start, when all you normally have to do is enjoy the “flower and candy period”. Both of you get thrown into the cruel reality of a visa processing and are required to stay strong and patient whilst she gets her paperwork. Because you know each other for a short time, plus these obstacles, most of the relationships break down at the very beginning.

Having gone through it myself several times, I wouldn’t call this a testing period for the relationship. I’d rather call it a cruel punishment for being born in different systems. It is not the strength of the relationship that will make you resist the timely process, as there is not enough relationship history behind the two of you (they haven’t given you that chance) and any passion sparkles will fade once facing the bureaucracy; you have one chance only - pure luck, or having the help of a good immigration lawyer, otherwise you’re screwed.

Getting back to what I’ve mentioned earlier - the fact that most of the staff working at the Embassies are locals, more precisely - local girls, as a rule they are the best graduates in languages. Being born with the same mentality mentioned in the previous paragraphs, they nurture the same illusions as the rest of the Eastern European women. So when they see a beautiful couple in front of them at the reception, who really love each other, asking for a spouse application, their jealousy explodes. They start thinking that they are beautiful as well and are surely good enough to live a “Western dream”, yet they are stuck there working on a salary of 100 dollars per month. They envy the couple; they want this for themselves as well and choose to believe in the illusion that they just haven’t got the luck to meet the right person yet. And even if they are already married or middle-aged, the anger of living a poor lifestyle makes them act in a certain

19

way. The girl at the counter starts creating all sorts of obstacles to your progress: she tells you that you need more paperwork (as she is the one putting the application together), makes you come at the wrong times, and so on. It may sound unbelievable, but you will see it yourself when you are there. Some can be rude to you, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you write a complaint, guess what: she will make it disappear as she has inside access to the system. Don’t try doing that, just get on with it, as it will certainly save you a lot of time and money.

I understand that I might perhaps sound like someone that had a bad and unique experience, but you will soon find out that it is in your interest to be prepared for those kinds of surprises, before you get on that flight. If anything, just pick up the phone and call your Embassy in any Eastern country and ask the two basic questions: 1. Is the girl on the phone from your own country (as she should logically be, while working in your Embassy)?; 2. Ask five arbitrary questions about the marriage processing, see whether she’ll gladly and fully answer all of them. I don’t think so.

Of course it’s not just about her. The whole process is stressful. And even more, when you get the refusal to your application, the Entry Clearance Officer doesn’t even come out of his room to tell it to you himself, he just gives a standard paper to the reception girl, who then reads it to you with a wide smile on her face. Disappointed to no limit, you ask her: - Why did we get the refusal?! And the answer is always: - We do not have to answer your questions. You have the right to an Appeal. You can find all the instructions on our website.

Then the file gets sent to your Capital City, where there are thousands of couples like you two waiting for an answer.

An appeal may take years.

20

Arriving abroad

If you two are strong enough to fight the system, then you will probably win in the end. So she gets her two year probationary spouse visa. That one is valid for most countries and is a normal procedure. This specific timeframe is given to you by them in order to see whether your marriage will last, and if it does, they will later issue the permanent residence status to her.

For the Russian women, who has never been further than the neighbor countries or who has never flown on a plane before, seeing Europe or US is a shocking experience. The first impression is that the roads are so clean and freshly painted; the streets are so straight and well kept. The minute she gets out of the airport her eyes are widely open, as she is comparing the great difference between these new buildings and the architecture of her own home town. Everyone is so nice to you, everyone is smiling to you; it all seems a dream. No rudeness, no miserable faces, no negativity at all. These amazing impressions will follow her for several months after the arrival, keeping her life in kind of a limbo mood. You will notice how your wife is now smiling more often and has now acquired much happier face expressions. Some part of it is also due to the fact that she now deeply believes, inside her, that she has finally made it.

You bring her to your home, telling her that now she will live here with you. This is a very tricky part, as the cases get split in exactly two possibilities:

• (better case) We are talking about arriving in this great house, or mansion, where the woman can’t take her eyes of the garden outside and the fabulous furniture inside. She is mesmerized by its beauty and just smiles in ecstasy.

• (the usual case) You drive her to your trailer, parked in an outside of the town area. She is now really in shock, as in your profile you specifically mentioned that you have a “house” of your own and that you live in a “town”.

21

I would like to write more about the second situation as it covers most of the cases. You see, when the woman sees that trailer, which you initially wrote about in your profile, calling it “having a home”, she is in shock. There is nothing present, from what she has dreamed of, in what she sees. Most of us have their own apartments in the city, either inherited from our parents or given by the state in the soviet times, so it is unimaginable for us to end up in a “moving container”. She didn't even know a way of living like that had ever existed. That is definitely not what she expected.

During your first weeks of living together, she will struggle a lot trying to adapt to the new lifestyle. That refers to the first case as well (the better one), that being aggravated by her soon discovering that your big house isn’t quite yours in fact, and that you have something like 15 years mortgage on it attached to your ass. The mortgage system is still a novelty to Russian citizens, and this is due to the fact that our banking system is so backwards; so when she discovers that this home is not fully yours, as her own apartment was to her, she will now live with the fear that it can be taken away from you at any time. She will never feel a complete owner and that discomfort will restrain her from trying to groom it and make it look better in her very own style, as a real lady would for her own home. And she is right in that feeling.

You see, the Eastern European woman cannot understand the fact that most of the Westerners get houses through mortgage, trapping themselves into having to make regular payments for the next 25 years or something. Part of it is because in their native country these women have never seen anything like that, so the lack of understanding of the partly payments gives her fear and insecurity in the system, let alone not being in your own house; part of it is because she sees it as a downgrade from her own initial situation, really, as her own home was all hers, not belonging to the bank in fact.

This is one of the rare cases where I can make a veritable compliment to the soviet system - it gave free housing to people, and that was really good. So please don’t blame her for her feelings, she just can’t understand your system.

22

Whether she arrives to a trailer or even to a fully paid for repaid house, all is new to her and she needs to adjust. The time she needs in order to feel comfortable in your home fluctuates depending on her age category and of course on some of her character traits. When I first arrived abroad I was 19 years old and it took me about a year to find my way around the new surroundings, and boy… it was all strange and unusual to me at the time. Imagine a 35-40 year old communistically brought up woman. I can tell you one thing for sure: she will give you some stress.

Try not to blame her for it. This situation can be compared to taking a fish out of salt waters and putting it into the river: hard time adjusting.

Being alone, not knowing the language well, without a local driving license, she will feel trapped, regardless of whether you are in a trailer or a mansion. As she will not be able to move around without your guidance, at least in the beginning, she will feel somehow discouraged and for that, a little bit tired psychologically. Please, help her in that difficult period; be patient and helpful, if you wish to save your marriage.

Most women I know that went through that king of experience, gone past the arrival shock period, get into a kind of depression period. They slowly start to realize what is really happening, as the blur of the illusion fog starts clearing up. She starts realizing that life abroad is not exactly like in the movies, as it has its own difficulties, its pluses and minuses.

Yes, the surroundings and the architecture are indeed much cleaner and prettier than in Eastern Europe or Russia; yes, the people are seemingly much more welcoming and nicer to you on the street and in any institution. Still, she feels alone and empty. She has no friends or family close to her, to share her feelings and emotions with, she can not see anything familiar to her anywhere around, and the drastic difference of the lifestyle in the West compared to the one in the East makes her feel even more of an alien.

The only close person to her there will be you… Ahh… Will you always be capable, in all this transition time of hers, to give your very best to help her? To always match her internal image of you as your perfect self, your

23

“profile self”, of how you should have been in her illusions before she arrived there? I think you subconsciously know the answer.

My intention is not to discourage you or anything like that. On the contrary, my will is to help you understand the internal war that will inevitably happen inside your bride. She will suffer, and no matter whether you give her a millionaire’s lifestyle or a simple Alabama existence, she will need a long, long time to adjust.

I can honestly tell you that if you thought that the visa processing time was the hardest part to go through in your relationship, you were wrong. The time where your marriage is getting on a Libra plate is now, and if you two get past this testing time, I can certainly guarantee you that you will live happily ever after.

Still, in most cases the marriage fails. Sadly, the statistics show that 90% of the international marriages fail during their 2 year probation period, and as you will hopefully understand after reading this book, it is normal for them to have that kind of a final.

24

Living with a Russian woman

My ex-husband once said that living with an Eastern European woman is like living on a volcano - you never know when it may explode. That is because by her nature the Russian woman is very patient and understanding, but the accumulation of stress and misunderstandings and the huge language barrier makes her accumulate in silence the frustration of not being able to make her day to day life function properly, and then one day she just explodes.

The interesting fact is that a Westerner might not even sense the arrival of such an intense argument as he simply has a different mentality. You will usually get back to your normal lifestyle, as you should be doing shortly after arriving back home, and being taken away by the daily working routine you are likely to simply not notice her accumulating frustrations. If you are a busy working person, especially someone like a businessman, then your poor wife will really have to face a loneliness test.

We are used to live in communities. You can see that same phenomenon in non communist but still third world countries like Brazil, Mexico, or India, where people are born and raised in very close groups. Just take a look at our architecture, at the so called “Hrusciov blocks”, these look like bee cells, all grey and similar to one another.

There is a funny saying in Russia, that if a cat escapes from your apartment than you may as well prepare a mini funeral as there is a big chance that the poor thing will simply not be able to find it’s way back home, for the living blocks are so alike and symmetrically placed.

That lifestyle made people get really close between them and when something happy or sad happened, at any event or holiday, people from all around the community gathered to discuss one’s problems or the general wellbeing of the ones living in that area.

25

In the same time, whilst living in the West I clearly observed, as the rest of the women did as well, that most of you are not even sure of what is the name of your neighbor across the street. Isn’t it so?

These discrepancies, plus the loneliness of not being able to work in the beginning, will shatter her belief in the happiness of your living together. At this time you will probably not even understand all that she is going through, and not because you’re not an attentive husband, it’s just because you two have way too different mentalities to even imagine how the one or the other sees the same situation.

Regardless of that, the truth remains one. You may not like to hear it, but this is how it really is: your wife is brought into your life, hers being completely neglected and wiped out the minute she stepped out of that plane. That’s not your fault of course, (that is if you have not just “bought” yourself a wife, finding her intentionally somewhere in the far away villages of Siberia), it’s that you have both built your own illusions for yourselves, of how life should be together, judging by some profile letter exchanges, but real life is not like that of course. Human beings tend to believe in what they prefer to see as true.

I would like to give a positive note to it all: there is hope for a happy outcome, but in that case you both need to be very determined and very sure about wanting to keep this marriage alive. Otherwise, if the intent was only based on illusions not having two grown-ups behind it, the marriage will fail like a sand castle under an ocean wave. I am especially talking about very young Russian women here, as you guys tend to chose them, usually as young as possible, and that’s not good, because these are most likely to marry you just for their illusions of a perfect family, not thinking it through well enough. (How can they? Think with your big head when your stare into that picture! She’s just finished school!) In this case you must take total responsibility for “importing” a girl into your country, as you will find yourself babysitting her later, in a way you have never imagined.

26

You can download the whole book absolutely free of charge directly from my website www.corcimarnadejda.com.

27