why do abusers abuse? - amazon web services › production...2018/08/29 · coercive control: how...
TRANSCRIPT
Why Do
Abusers Abuse? Understanding why abusers abuse
and the indicators of abuse
Introduction
If you find yourself with an abusive partner, it is
not uncommon to wondering: why are they
choosing to behave and act as they do?
There is no excuse for domestic violence or abuse. Abuse is one partner
exerting control and power over the other. But how can someone who
says they love you abuse you? What are some of the different control
tactics? Should you hold out any hope an abuser can change?
This toolkit will provide you with these insights and more. Inside you’ll find:
Helpful Articles
Recommended Books
Checklists
Danger Assessments
Survey Results
Toolkits
Support Communities
How to Find Help
Remember, there is no justification for an abusive partner.
Helpful Articles
There are hundreds of articles on
DomesticShelters.org covering the
many facets of domestic violence. The links here can help you understand the abuser
mindset and red flags of inexcusable behavior.
Predictive Indicators of Violence
The facts and figures on
domestic violence perpetrators.
Profile of an Abuser
What to be aware of before you
get involved.
Abusive Red Flags
Warning signs that your partner
could turn violent.
Recognizing Unsafe People
Three types of people that may
spell trouble.
Why People Choose to Abuse
There’s no easy way to predict
who will become a batterer.
Life with a Psychopath
How psychopaths exert control
and why.
Helpful Articles
What is Domestic Violence?
A look at the five types of
domestic violence.
A Deadly Cycle
The 4 stages of abuse that
happen over and over.
Survivors Denying Abuse
How abusers trick survivors into
denying abuse.
Will It Happen Again?
A look at whether past behaviors
can predict abuse.
Abuse Isn’t Caused by Alcohol
Dispelling the myth that abuse is
caused by alcohol.
Signs of a Violent Relationship
How to recognize if you’re in an
abusive relationship. Power and Control Wheel
Know the repeated pattern
abusive partners follow.
The Excuses We Tell Ourselves
A reminder there’s no justification
for an abusive partner.
Abuse Isn’t Due To Mental Illness
Abusers are no more likely to be
mentally ill than others.
DV in Affluent Marriages
When abusers exhibit narcissistic
entitlement.
Helpful Articles
10 Patterns of Verbal Abuse
This form of abuse can be harder
to recognize than you may think.
Recognizing Emotional Abuse
19 questions to help identify this
type of domestic violence.
3 Myths About Survivors
The falsities to stop telling yourself
once and for all.
Can Abusers Change?
The 9 signs that an abuser can
change.
What is Batterer Counseling?
What this form of counseling
addresses and how it works.
Victim of Financial Abuse?
16 questions to help identify this
type of domestic violence.
When Abusers Use Sexual Abuse
40% of survivors experience these
types of sexual abuse.
Trapped by Your Faith?
When spirituality and domestic
violence cross paths.
Is Mutual Abuse Real?
Rarely true, this term is often used
as a manipulation tactic.
Does Counseling Work?
We survey survivors’ views on
whether treatment works.
Recommended Books
Reading books that go in-depth can be
a very positive way to assess a situation.
The books listed below offer insight into why
abusers abuse, how they control and what
can be done to move ahead.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. He says he loves you.
So…why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have
the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men. You will learn about the early
warning signs of abuse, the nature of abusive thinkers, myths about abusers, 10 abusive
personality types, the role of drugs and alcohol, and how to get out of an abusive relationship
safely.
Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. This book breaks through
entrenches view of physical abuse that have ultimately failed to protect women. It looks at
how domestic violence is neither primarily domestic, nor necessarily violence, but a pattern of
controlling behaviors more akin to terrorism and hostage-taking.
Recommended Books
Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships. This book familiarizes
readers with intimate partner violence and explains how to develop self-esteem, preparation
and assertive awareness that can protect them from involvement with abusive individuals. It
explores the minds of abusers, explains visible signs of danger in their attitudes and actions,
and provides effective strategies for safe extraction when involved with an abuser.
Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages. How is it possible for a highly
educated woman with a career and resources of her own to stay in a marriage with an
abusive husband? How can a man be considered a pillar of his community and regularly give
his wife a black eye? The very nature of these questions proves how convinced we are that
domestic violence is restricted to the lower classes.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can—and Should—be
Saved. In this supportive and straightforward guide, the authors offer a way for women to
practically take stock of their relationships and move forward– with or without their partners.
Women will learn how to tell the difference between healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one
that is really not working, recognize their partner has a serious problem, and more.
Checklists
Sometimes lists are easier on the mind
because they are uncluttered and
poignant. If you’d rather read a few items vs.
articles or books, these lists are for you:
25 Relationship Red Flags
20 Things Abusers Say
27 Characteristics of Unsafe People
19 Myths About Domestic Violence
Danger Assessment Tools
There are two well-known, free
assessment tools available online that can help you understand the level of danger
that may be present, but not always obvious.
The Danger Assessment
The free tool helps determine the
level of danger an abused
person has of being killed by an
intimate partner. There are two
parts to the tool: a calendar to
keep a record of the frequency
of abuse and a 20-item scoring
instrument that uses a weighted
system to score yes/no responses
to risk factors associated with
intimate partner homicide.
MOSAIC
Using a series of questions, this
tool assesses how similar a
situation is to other situations of
violence that have gotten worse.
After creating a confidential
account and answering the
questions, a detailed report is
compiled immediately telling
you how your situation compares
to others like it, rating it on a
scale of 1 to 10 of how likely it is
to escalate.
Surveys & Toolkits
There are a series of questions many
people explore when experiencing
abuse. To help get answers, consider viewing
these survey results and toolkits:
Surveys
Which type of abuse did you experience first?
At what age did you first experience abuse?
Was your domestic violence experience impacted by holidays?
Can an abusive partner change after attending batterer’s counseling?
Did news, politics or current events impact the abuse you experienced?
Toolkits
Am I Experiencing Abuse?
I Know Someone Who Is Being Abused, What Should I Do?
I’m Ready to Leave, Now What?
Support Communities
Online forums and chat areas can help
you connect with others who are in or
have faced similar situations, and find support
and ideas from the survivor community.
AfterSilence.org aims to help victims become survivors and to
communicate in the recovery of domestic and sexual violence. It offers
an active message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault,
sexual abuse, incest and molestation survivors. There are over 31,000
members and about a million active posts.
The Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center. If you’re an
American overseas, your situation is different than 99% of your fellow
countryman, and this site may be a helpful resource for you. Among the
services is a 24-hour response to emails, as well as international phone
options.
Support Communities
DomesticShelters.org Facebook Page offers one of the most active
places for domestic violence survivors. You’ll find conversation, past
experiences and unvarnished stories, and occasionally advice from
professionals who have joined in on a topic.
Experience Project works to connect people with similar interests, needs
and experience on a massive variety of topics, one of which is
domestic violence. You may not run into professionals who can guide
you, but sometimes finding people who have had similar experiences or
offer words of encouragement is just as helpful.
Fort Refuge is a clever, grassroots site run by survivors for fellow survivors
as a safe place to come together and discuss their struggles and
victories in healing from various types of abuse. Though the forum and
chat do not boast the same numbers as some of the larger
organizations, they are one of the more active conversation places on
the internet currently. They also add new content to their site regularly.
Support Communities
Love is Respect - National Teen Dating Helpline focuses on teen
relationships and can be accessed by phone, text or live chat. It offers
real-time, one-on-one support by trained peer advocates who provide
information and advocacy to those involved with abusive dating
partners. They also offer support to parents, teachers, clergy, law
enforcement, and service providers.
National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential, private, one-on-
one chats with advocates every day from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. Central Time.
OnYourMind.net is a safe and anonymous place for teens to get
information and support from other teens in an online chat room,
covering topics such as relationships, school, depression, stress, suicide,
parents, cutting, identity and general health.
Pandora's Aquarium is an online forum with around 2 million posts and
over 70,000 members, and is run by Pandora’s Project, which provides
information, support and resources to rape and sexual abuse survivors
and their friends and family.
Support Communities
YesICAN offers live, scheduled chats and a forum for individuals who
wish to discuss issues around surviving child abuse and domestic
violence, as well as discuss parenting issues. YesICAN chats are run by
trained facilitators and cover various subjects including teen survivors,
male survivors, female survivors, physical abuse, emotional abuse,
sexual abuse, incest survivors, significant others and parenting.
When accessing hotlines, chats or forums from a computer, tablet, or
smartphone, please remember to take the necessary precautions to
keep your activities confidential from your abuser. Learn more on
protecting personal affects and technology here.
Also, keep in mind that local shelters may offer in-person support
groups. You can find nearby shelters at domesticshelters.org.
Getting Help
If you’re struggling to understand the
behavior of your partner you can
connect for free with a domestic violence
advocate for support and advice.
Visit domesticshelters.org and type either your city and state or ZIP code
into the search bar at the top of the page. A list of organizations and
contact numbers near you will be displayed. To reach an advocate, call
the hotline numbers listed. Most are open 24/7.
To speak to an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline,
also available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, call 1-800-799-7233 or
visit thehotline.org where a chat service is available 7 a.m. to 2 a.m.
It’s important to know that your call stays confidential and you can
always choose to remain anonymous when speaking with an advocate.
To know what to expect when calling, read this article.