why am i afraid...notes for chapter two 2005

7/29/2019 Why Am I Afraid...Notes for Chapter Two 2005

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“Why Am I Afraid”-Chapter Two…p1

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?

Chapter Two: Growing As A Person

Growing As A PersonEach person will grow into his/her own person and as a result it is impossible to say exactly what any

“grown person” will be like. No one is to become like anyone else. We each have been uniquelycreated and this is our personal gift of self.

So what does it mean to be a full human being, an authentic self? Over the years psychologists haveapproached this question from different perspectives. Two very prominent psychologists saw in

somewhat similar fashion: Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist, referred to a fully human person as “the fully

functioning person.”

Abraham Maslow, another humanistic psychologist, saw the full human being as “the self-actualizing person.”

The Balancing of Interiority and Exteriority

The first condition of growth is to have a balance between one’s interior and exterior. Theextreme introvert is so preoccupied with his/her self, that there is no real ability to interact with the

world outside of oneself. The extreme extrovert, on the other hand, is so fleeting and distracted by all

that is outside of him/herself, that he/she is out of touch with what is happing within the self. Theyepitomize the dictum of Socrates, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Understanding Interiority:

Interiority implies exploration and experience of self.

This person will have a sense of exploration and experience of self. They are open to both beauty and pain, and they turn away from neither. By one allowing the self to explore and experience all

that enters into one’s life, this person experiences the whole gamut of human emotions, from grief and

sorrow, to joy and exhilaration. They turn away from nothing, but remain open to all that comes intotheir lives.

Interiority implies self-acceptance.

After one explores and experiences, one must be able to accept whom one finds oneself to be.This person will not run away from what one knows oneself to be, or from what may be ahead to be

experienced. This person is not afraid of the fact that one really does not know what one will become

by the end of one’s life, but rather than fear this, one sees it as an invitation to live fully. The ultimatedestiny of one with such self-acceptance is “delightfully unknown.”

This type of person knows her strengths, and is also aware of her limitations. As a result she willnot live in some fantasy about who she wants to be, nor will she live her life in counterproductive

dreams trying to convince herself of something about herself that is not real or true. She loves who she

actually is, right now and in this place.




She will trust her own resources and abilities, confident that she has what she needs to adapt and

cope with the various challenges of life. As a result she is empowered to live fully and confidently withall that goes on inside of her. She is afraid of nothing that is, or could be a part of her self.

Understanding Exteriority:

Exteriority implies an openness not only to the self within, but also to the environment fromwithout.

The fully human person is also very concerned with the voices and information that are outside

of his/her own self. His/her individual experiences are multiplied many times over because of awillingness to listen and be open to the wisdom and stories of others.

By being open to the input, lives, stories and experiences of others, this person is deeply enriched

and broadened in his/her attitude and opinion of life and self. He/she realizes they cannot experience allof life without the wisdom of others.

Unlike the defensive person, this person draws the circle of life (those who she allows to touch

and influence her life) very large. The defensive individual person has a world no bigger than herself,

with a tightly closed horizon!

Exteriority reaches its peak in the ability to “give love freely.”

Karl Stern, a psychologist, sees the growth from immaturity to maturity as a movement from theabsolute need to be loved, toward a full readiness to give love freely to others. In our childhood, and

especially infancy, we had no sense of borders and everything was an extension of us! With time we

realized, however, that the world was bigger than us, and if we were to grow into any maturity we mustgo outside of our self. We must be self-less.

Paramount to the full human being is that he/she is free! The individual reaches outside of self to others and even to God, not out of an obsessive-compulsive neurosis, nor any other reason, e.g.,

guilt, parental demands, etc., but freely and actively. They act because in their freedom they choose toact.

The significant balance that is needed: a balanced contentment with what is, but an equally

balanced desire to go forth and be more. If one is solely content to be as one is, or one is on the other hand always rushing to some new distraction to fill up the void of an empty self, the end result will

always be self-estrangement!!!

If one is balanced one will always be “grateful for what is”, but will also be striving for “what is to

come.”Dag Hammerskjold, a former Secretary General of the United Nations put it well in one of his

prayers:

“For all that has been “thanks,” for all that will be, “yes.”

Balanced “interiority” and “exteriority” is what is meant by integration of personality. Carl Rogers believes that humans are basically reasonable. It is because of this that humans

work to have a balance of interiority and exteriority. We must be careful not to exaggerate either of the

two, e.g., …turning so inward that we are prisoners of our own intellect and world within, or getting so

involved in that which is pleasurable that we abandon all effort to reflect and live out of the peace of ourinner soul.




The one who acts freely, and uses all of one’s human powers, is the one who can be trusted.

Basically, what you witness is someone who you respect and someone you feel “has it all together!”Even if they do not, they know they don’t and are not frustrated by such a limitation. This individual

will have a genuine openness, and he/she will be on the path to full human growth! This is our goal, i.e. growth, not perfection!

Acting Vs Reacting

A fully human person is an actor, not a reactor! (Story of Sydney Harris, columnist, and the

cantankerous newspaperman.) “Because I don’t want him to decide how I’m going to act!”

When one is a fully human person, then one is one’s own person. Remember, when you are a reactor

you are at the mercy of others, e.g., He made me so mad, or “This weather really depresses me.” One

must remember, the stimulus is neutral, it is each of us who give it meaning and power over us, or

taking power over it!

The fully human person takes responsibility for one’s own life and does not look for excuses or

ways to blame situations or others for one’s actions. This does not suggest that you deaden yourself toyour emotions, or repress them, rather you work to balance and integrate emotions and life experiences

into your own life.

If one simply surrenders to difficult or uncomfortable emotions, one simply abdicates one’s

intellect and freedom, that is, the qualities that make one distinctly human and not just an animal.

why am i afraid...notes for chapter two 2005

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