who we are now by charlea fields

8/17/2019 Who We Are Now by Charlea Fields

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Expect the unexpected and dive in

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Book Formatting by Derek Murphy @Creativindie

Who We are Now

Copyright © 2016 by Charlea Alexandria Fields

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be

used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case

of brief quotations em- bodied in critical articles or reviews.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organiza- tions, places, events

and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any

resemblance to actual persons, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

For information contact :

([email protected])

Book and Cover design by Charlea Alexandria Fields

ISBN: 123456789

First Edition: May 2016

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1


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For

Class of 2016


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“We were here. And our memories are as dear to us as every slow motionmoment or held breath,”— Shane Koyczan


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1F i f t e e n

remembered it being the last time that I actually felt normal. I was

blankly staring out the window as the frost tickles began to spread

against the glass. I was supposed to be listening yet my mind could only

think about the wind cutting through our parked car. “Macy, are you listening to me?” my Mom asked.

Yes. I didn’t want to. I needed to just let be, why did she have to alwaystalk so much? I can’t complain after dad left she barely talked at all…now

she couldn’t leave me alone, she’s so afraid that I’ll run away too.

“Macy!” she yelled more aggravated.

I turned to her and she had that motherly look all on her face. You know

where her eyebrows would cut into a direct angle as her eyes made a huge

I


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question….

“Do even care about your future?” She asked me.

I sighed “Of course” I grumbled.

“Then what is the problem?” she questioned again. “I don’t understand,

Macy. You are a brilliant girl so I don’t understand why you are so

hesitant about this. College is the big step and Dr. Howard at Villanova

has already contacted me after your summer program and he really wants

you to consider attending there. Plus it’s only an hour away from home so

you’ll be close,” she continued to corner me.

The car suddenly became warmer, “Mom” I called. I noticed the flag of

my high school cutting through the wind rapidly.

My mothers becoming distant, “They offer one of the best pharmaceutical

programs and you have already been in the lab…”

I attempted to exhale “Mom,” I repeated.

“You know all the teachers and it would be no problem to get an

interview, maybe in this late spring….”

I grabbed the door handle but it was locked causing a horrible fear to takeover me. It felt as if I was being caged in and my body was retracting and I

began to tremble.

My breath began to heave as I finally unlocked the door then fell onto the

snow “Macy!” my mother finally noticed, “What’s wrong?”

I held my chest as I sat against the car “I can’t breathe” I coughed.


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I could see my hands shaking as my vision blurred “Macy!” my mom

yelled trying to gain my attention “Hold on sweetie, help is commin.”

“I can’t breathe,” I repeated while the cold snow blanketed me.


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2A u g u s t

held my hands patiently in my lap while waiting for Dr. Jeffery’s in

his office. I stared at this horrible painting he kept above his desk

that made me ask too many questions. He told me if I focused

enough on something it would avoid my panic attacks then again my

focus relied on ten other things all the time.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Macy” Dr. Jeffery’s entered “Traffic was a

rodeo.”

I grinned as he sat down “Well what has you all dapper?” he asked.

“I got accepted into Villanova this morning” I told him.

“Well I’ll be darned!” he amazed “You’re mother must be proud.”

I


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I laughed, “She been making phone calls all day,” I said.

“Have you talked to your father?” he asked.

I bit my lip “Not since last month,” I explained “He’s in London right

now.”

Dr. Jeffery pushed up his glasses, “Well I’m sure he will be just as

excited,” he told me.

I nodded for what was next “So now for the good stuff,” he humored “how

have you been sleeping?”

I sighed “Good enough, I haven’t had any night terrors lately” I explained.

“Alright and have you been getting out like I suggested at our lastsession?” He questioned.

I bit my lip again; it’s one of my nervous habits “Macy…” He began.

“I know, I know I need to get out and socialize so my anxiety will get

better,” I answered.

He took off his glasses “Macy, you can’t rely so much on the comfort zone

of your house and school. Get out there before you’re forced to leave anddeal with life all at once.” He ranted.

I looked out the window “What can I say?” I told him “I’m a mole.”

He shook his head “I swear your generation is one of the laziest I’ve

encountered. There is a world beyond your couch and cell phone” he

ranted.


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I stared at him in amusement “Have you ever just sat on your couch?” I

asked “And I mean for hours while watching TV and eating…and eating?”

He laughed at me “No actually I barely have time except for Sundays, but

those are spent with the family.” He explained.

“There is always time,” I claimed.

He gave an exasperated sigh “Sadly not really” he commented “But would

it kill you to just go for a walk or get some air at least?”

I rolled my eyes “Sure why not,” I told him.

“I’m serious Macy,” he pointed out.

“I know, Tom,” I concluded.

“Alright,” he began writing on a slip of paper “here’s something that will

make you less drowsy, be sure to take it once a day.”

I stood as he handed me the paper “Thank you see you, Wednesday” I said

heading out the door.

I walked passed the receptionist and noticed my mother waiting by the

huge glass door as usual on her phone. She looked up at me with wide eyesand motioned me out the building.

We climbed into the car and she continued to ramble on the phone about

someone forgetting to fax something to her.

The day was far from over and I could still hear Dr. Jeffery’s dictating me

about my life.. Frankly the only people I enjoyed socializing with were my

best friend, Skylar and my biology teacher, Mrs. Crawford. I know it’s not


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a long list but frankly everyone else really doesn’t seem different or

enjoying life anyway there is always some world-class teenage

phenomenon going on.

Skylar constantly tells me that I shouldn’t take life too seriously however

it’s inevitable because I get it from my mother. Skylar usually drags me to

random parties and it’s her way of trying to loosen me up somehow. She’s

been trying to loosen me up for years now but I’ve always been the sane

one and she’s always been the rebellious one.

I look over to her while she just hung up the phone “What did Dr. Jeffery’s

say?” she asked.

“Nothing…” I trailed “Just that I need to get a life.”

She smiled “Well that’s what you’ve been working on, sweetie” shecheered starting up the car.

I nodded silently “How do you want to celebrate your acceptance

tonight?” she asked “Dinner at Barkley’s or we can go to Havana’s and

shop or we can—” She continued to ramble.

I bit my tongue, “I don’t know, mom.”

“Macy c’mon this is something to celebrate,” She explained “It’ll be fun.”

She was giving me that pleading look she gets when she fears I’m slipping

away “Alright how about dinner at Barkley’s?” I suggested for her.

“Yes that would be nice,” she agreed “We will stop at home so you can get

changed.”

I rested my head against the window and exhaled and then exhaled again


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while my fingers twitched. Perks of having an anxiety disorder. My

mother saw my problem as a way to deal with my father leaving. I think

it’s better for her to assume that the problem was not her.

When we arrived at Barkley’s I went inside first while my mother parked

the car. The restaurant was a glass masterpiece; every time I walked inside

I thought I would fall through the floor. There were neatly filed round

tables with white tablecloths holding older uptight laughs and refined taste

in clothing.

I walked toward the front desk where Tyler Craw and a couple of his

friends that went to my school stood in matching white collared shirts and

black ties.

“Macy” Tyler acknowledged.

I sighed “Hi Tyler.” I haven’t talked to Tyler that much ever since his aunt

died, that was when everything was great.

His green eyes sparked as he pushed his brown hair out of his eyes “Is it

just you tonight?” he asked.

“No its just my mom and I,” I told him.

He leaned over the counter and I could smell his tough cologne “Niceoutfit,” he grinned, “When are you and Skylar going to come to one of my

parties?”

I shook my head “Maybe when someone actually shows up,” I smiled.

His friends laughed and Tyler grabbed two menus “Cute but it’s going to

be one of the biggest parties of the year. It’s the kick off for senior year”

he explained “I know you and Skylar only go to college parties but show


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some school spirit.”

He led me to the table “If I wanted to show school spirit I’d be a

cheerleader” I teased.

I sat down as he placed the menus on the table “But you play soccer” he

added.

I rolled my eyes, “So what, I have anger issues. Can you go now?”

“No tell me you’ll come,” he said.

I spotted my mother making her way to us “Fine we will go now leave” I

rushed.

He smiled “Awesome it’s Saturday at 8 o’clock” he finally walked away.

My mother sat down “Is that Mitchell Craw’s boy?” she asked.

I opened the menu and nodded “He’s really cute don’t you think?” she

questioned me wide eyes.

I snorted, “Macy stop, you should ‘hit’ him up,” she quoted.

We both laughed, “Who taught you that?” I asked.

“Well isn’t that what you kids say?” she smiled.

“You should never say that ever again,” I told her.

She took off her glasses stressfully, “Well I know that you need someone

other than Skylar and I” she commented.


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I glanced up at her, “Well it’s enough for the moment.”

She rolled her eyes “Of course that could be enough…but there are other

people Macy.”

“What you’re going to contradict me too?” I questioned.

My mother shook her head “I just want you to have a normal high school

experience.” She exclaimed.

I sighed and noticed that crease in her forehead as she opened the menu. It

was that fine line that left many unspoken but known questions in her

mind. That was the look that allowed me to know all of her worries. My

vision slowly blurred and I clinched the menu tightly between my fingers.

“Macy?” I heard my mother’s voice through the ringing in my ears.

I looked up and noticed the waitress standing by us and she was starring at

me waiting for an answer.

My mind finally registered, “Oh I’ll just have a water” I said.

She scribbled on her notepad and walked away “I—I’m going to go to the

restroom” I stood “Could you order the salmon for me when she comes

back?”

My mom smiled “Sure, sweetie!”

I walked quickly toward the restroom but noticed the exit door towards the

back. I could feel my heart rate increasing until it began to hurt my chest.

When I pushed the door open and felt the summer air hit my face. I tripped

over the step and grabbed the wall and my breath began to heave. I rested

my forehead on the cool concrete and it felt like I was drowning in my


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own world.

I held my necklace and attempted to focus, “Five” I struggled “Three…

Seven Nine.”

I repeated it “Five…Three S-seven…Nine.”

I finally exhaled and turned around regaining my breath “You okay?” a

deep voice spoke.

I jumped and locked eyes with a familiar face that I haven’t seen in years.

He was taller than I remembered he even had facial hair but he had the

same wide smile and grey eyes.

He was wearing the same uniform as Tyler, “Dean Smith?” I recognized.

He laughed, “You’re the first person to actually recognize me!” He

exclaimed.

I grinned as his blonde hair fell in his eyes “Well I was your best friend for

years before you—”

“Before my mom died and I moved?” Dean interrupted “Yeah.”

There was a long silence “I’m still wondering why you were counting thenumbers of your old address.” he stated.

I stared at the ground “Umm…It’s just this thing I do,” I lied “What are

you doing out here?”

“Hiding out from my new boss,” he said “You?”

“Avoiding parental guidance.”


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“Ooh your mom gave you the look didn’t she?” He guessed.

I laughed “Ugh she’s could make me feel bad for opening a window with

that look” he exaggerated.

I nodded “I know and I should be getting back to her actually” I headed to

the door.

“I’ll see you around then?” he asked.

I smiled and turned to him “Yeah” I told him “You’ll see me.”

I headed back into the restaurant embracing old memories.

[Saturday 8:21pm EST]

“Sky, I cannot wear this” I frowned in front of my mirror.

Skylar stood beside me reveling in her masterpiece, “Why you look so

good?” she stated.

I looked at her she was wearing a short leather skirt with a tight red shirt;

she could get away with outfits like this because she was tall and curvy in

all the right places. Her dark hair was pulled into a high ponytail that fellin huge waves down her shoulders; she had a small face, and pretty hazel

eyes. She looked like a sweet girl but she had a big mouth.

I pulled at my jean shorts I wore “It’s just too much skin,” I explained.

She shook her head, “It’s summer no one will care.”

I headed to my closet “I care and so will my mother,” I said grabbing a


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simple short grey shirt and the tight matching skirt.

“Whatever,” She sat on my bed.

I began to change “Have you heard about that Dean being back” Skylar

asked me.

I hesitated “Yeah, why?”

“He was our friend Macy…” she trailed, “and now apparently he got all

hot while he was gone and he’s going to be at the party,” She told me.

I pulled on my boots, “Well he is Tyler’s cousin,” I explained.

“Yeah but Tyler is all beer pong in his basement and Dean is all sweet

midnight wonder” she gushed.

I laughed and walked over to the mirror “Don’t go boy crazy” I warned, “ I

swear I am not going to be prowling you off of some guy tonight.”

“No high school boys” She curled her lip “that’s lame”

“You think Tyler is lame?” I asked.

“Tyler is too sensitive” she explained “besides, it’s not about me thisyear…when am I going to prowl you off some guy?”

I looked at her “Unlike you I don’t have the urge to.”

She rolled her eyes “You are a teenage girl Mac, no matter if you have an

anxiety disorder or not, we all have the same desires” she stood.

“And what’s that?”


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She sighed “Passion” she spoke exasperatedly “You need someone to

ruffle those perfect feathers.”

“I like my feathers just how they are,” I grabbed my purse.

“I bet I can guess what your type is,” she said.

“I bet you can’t,” I mocked leaving the room.

I heard her give an exasperated sigh “Secretly I think you’re afraid to be in

a relationship, you hate to be tied down it makes you nervous” she

examined “but I think it will be good for you.”

We made our way down stairs “ Have you been talking to my mom?” I

asked.

“Maybe” she admitted, “Okay yes but Macy come on.”

I attempted to open the door and she blocked me “Macy” she said sternly.

“Oh my goodness what is your problem?” I snapped.

“You never answer me when I talk about this” she said.

“Because it isn’t important Skylar.”

“We are young, fertile, and its one of the most important things to know

about your best friend” she explained.

“You did not just say fertile” I cringed.

She glared at me and I sighed, “Look I don’t want any of that stuff. It’s


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stupid” I pushed her aside and opened the door, “Let’s just go have fun.”

We stepped out and locked the door, “Yeah like Tyler Creeper-Crawler’s

house is fun,” she joked.

“It’s shouldn’t be that bad” I said.

“Yeah because he won’t drooling on your face,” she explained.

I laughed, “Tyler is harmless.” She gave me a sarcastic laugh before

climbing into the car.

When we arrived I silently cringed due to the amount of people crowding

the not just the inside but the outside as well. They were all dancing so

close to one another making the warm air seem thinner while the music

was loud and persuasive creating a sense of freedom that the night—evenin this crowded toxic place—could last forever.

“This isn’t half bad,” Skylar amused.

My stomach growled, “I’m starving,” I explained.

She rolled her eyes, “You’re always starving.”

I noticed Tyler making his way toward us “Incoming” I warned.

“If you leave me I’ll kill you” she whispered to me.

“Guess you’re going to have to kill me then” I told her.

“Ladies!” He greeted wildly.

He glanced at Skylar and raised an eyebrow “Sky,” he specified.


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Her mouth turned “Douche bag” she acknowledged.

I began to walk away from the tension “I’m going to get food” I spoke

over the music.

Skylar glared at me for leaving her alone. I knew she didn’t want to be

alone with Tyler because she liked him. But I knew she was more than

capable of taking care of herself.

I made my way through the house and accomplished the ability to elbow

and elbow my way through people until I found the kitchen.

I spotted the several stacks of pizza boxes on the counter and found a fresh

box “You mine grabbing me a slice?” Dean walked in.

I smiled as he made his way over “No I call dibs on this box” I told him.

He laughed, “I see you still have a big appetite.”

I grabbed a slice “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you

like,” I quoted and took a bite.

“Who said that?” He watched me.

“Mark Twain,” I answered.

“You still read a lot huh?” he noticed.

I observed him for a minute “I haven’t changed that much” I told him “So

you don’t have to keep pointing it out.”

He held up his hands “I’m sorry jeez” he apologized with a laugh.


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I bit my tongue in order to distract my urgent temper. I didn’t enjoy being

pricked and plucked at with short and obscure descriptions. I walked out of

the kitchen, pizza in hand, and onto the front porch where it was quiet.

I ate my pizza in silence as he stood beside me and stared ahead “I know

it’s been a long time and you don’t have to be my friend or anything” he

explained “But how are you?”

I swallowed hard, “What do you mean?”

He looked at me, “How are you? How have you been? You know that sort

of thing…”

I shrugged “I’m good,” I simply said.

He furrowed his eyebrow “I-I mean how good can it get right now” I

stuttered.

“That’s your choice” he commented.

I shook my head “Well we’re in high school and emotions are

everywhere…we’re confused” I pretented.

He watched me in a way to understand me; how I kept nibbling at the crustof the pizza in my hand or how I kept fidgeting when he attempted to gain

eye contact “But you don’t feel that way do you?” he asked me.

“What do you know about how I feel?”

He laughed, “I’m just asking, Macy chill” he said, “You don’t have to be

so guarded, it’s me…”


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I nodded “I’m not guarded…” I said, “Maybe it’s just the party…”

I noticed my crust gone and I was gnawing at my fingernails “What you

don’t like it?” he asked me.

I glanced at the couple in the doorway clawing at each other’s clothes and

kissing each other breathlessly.

Dean looked at them “Ever wonder how many people get mono after

coming to these,” he joked.

“I’m surprised you haven’t,” I teased.

“No, no, no I’m usually the one asleep on the couch” he told me.

“Oh so you never tried to kiss a girl that you didn’t know?”

He shook his head “That doesn’t work for me as well as you would think,”

he said.

“Then what do you do?” I asked.

“I dance,” he told me while to swaying his hips.

I laughed as he grabbed my hand “C’mon dance with me” he said.

I shook my head “I don’t dance.”

He dragged me into the house “I don’t believe you” he said.

The loud music distracted me as he lead me to the backyard until we stood

in the crowd surrounded by people dancing vivaciously like trying to

create static buy rubbing together.


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He grabbed my hand “C’mon!” he twirled me around “You look in the

need of some fun!”

I smiled and allowed myself to dance with him “I know how to have fun,”

I stated.

He nodded his head to the music “Let’s go then” he dragged me to the

crowd.

“Wait!” I pulled away “Where are we going?”

Dean turned to me, “For a ride” he said.

I couldn’t think of anything worse, “Get out of that head of yours” he

yelled “Just trust me.”

I looked at him as he held out his hand to me and at then at the people

around me and thought where ever we’d go would be better than here. It

was the last day of summer.

I nodded and took his hand “That’s more like it” he cheered.

So I followed him out of the party where Skylar stood by the car with

Tyler “Ready to get out of here?” Skylar asked me.

I glanced at Dean, “Not just yet” I told her.

Skylar raised her eyebrows, “What do you mean?” she asked. I tossed her

my car keys and followed Dean to his car.

Something I would never do, “Come with us,” I suggested.


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She looked even more confused, “The night is far from over!” Dean

yelled.

I climbed into his car no questions asked, my heart pounding, but I could

breathe just fine.

[11:45 pm EST]

I figured out where we were going by the smell of the wind coming inside

of the open window that strong saltwater smell and rush of wind. I could

see the water splashing against the sand in different rhythms of the tide. I

remembered coming here in the summer with Dean’s family before his

mother died of cancer. We were both different people back then.

We finally parked and once we got out Tyler already threw Skylar over his

shoulder and ran onto the beach.

I shook my head with a slight smile as I took off my shoes “Those two are

something else,” Dean said.

“I like to think they are in love,” I told him as we walked on the beach.

We watched as Skylar threw sand in Tyler’s face and how scared her face

looked when he screamed.

Dean laughed, “I definitely can’t see it,” he said.

“There are different kinds of love,” I pointed out.

I curled my toes in the sand “Like what?” he asked.

I pushed my hair behind my ear “Well there is the love that someone just

knows, there is love that comes slow, there is love that is never told, there


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is love that ruins people” I elaborated “There is love that drives them crazy

and in their case its love they don’t even know yet because they are so set

in their ways especially Skylar.”

“Love shouldn’t be that complicated,” he noted.

I laughed, “I agree,” I told him “But how meaningful would it be if it were

so easy?”

“Good point” he added.

I went by the water just to feel it on my toes and I looked up at the stars,

“Have you ever been in love?” I asked him.

He grinned, “Well I did propose to this one girl once in fifth grade with a

bubble gum ring” he joked.

I laughed in heart of the memory “Shut up” I said, “We were kids.”

He shrugged, “It’s still memorable,” he said

I shook my head “You were way more fun back then” he commented.

“Hey!” I hit him “I’m still fun” I snapped.

He snorted, “What do you do for fun?” he asked.

I opened my mouth “Go to parties you don’t like?” he answered for me.

“Some of them I like.”

“No you don’t.”


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I gaped at him, “Okay so what, I have my own version of having a good

time,” I snapped.

“Like what?” Dean questioned.

I looked at the ocean “Reading or playing soccer.” I admitted.

He laughed, “No that’s not acceptable”

“I like it,” I said sharply.

Dean stepped into the water “Having fun shouldn’t be so hard.”

Well he had no idea.

“I’ll show you,” he explained. When I looked at him he kicked his feetsplashing my face “See,” he laughed.

I shrieked “Dean!”

He splashed me again soaking my clothes.

His loud laughs echoing in the night "Cut it out!” I ran down the shoreline

and he chased after me.

I stumbled over my feet and fell in the water and bringing him with me. It

was cold and when I came up for air a sense of calmness came over me. I

wasn’t upset anymore.

Dean was laughing, his laugh was so loud and crisp. It was contagious. I

splashed him in return for making me laugh. He then pushed me back into

the water and I screamed in hilarity as we played in the ocean like the

careless kids we should be.


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When we made our way back to the car I saw Skylar sitting in the car

waiting for me while Tyler waited by Dean’s car. She seemed upset about

something and I knew I would hear an earful on the way home but it didn’t

worry me.

“See ya, Macy” Dean told me as he headed to his car.

I smiled “Dean” I called.

Dean turned to me “I’m glad your back,” I told him.

He grinned recklessly, “Me too.”

And somehow I felt lighter.


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3S e p t e m b e r 7 t h

haven’t spoken to Dean since the night of the party. I didn’t get home

until after midnight and my mother had many annoying questions that

included why my clothes were wet, whom I was with, and if I had

taken drugs. I had committed a crime in the eyes of strict parents

everywhere, missing curfew by twenty minutes. Big fat a minus on my

only child status. Skylar on the other hand was proud of me and secretly I

was too.

School was tomorrow and I wasn’t exactly as excited as Skylar. The only

worry she had concerned what she would wear. Where my worries

I


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concerned several AP classes, a soccer game, and student council meeting.

“I don’t understand why you invest your time with all of that” Skylar

spoke on my phone.

I just got home from soccer practice and I sat on my bed to take off my

sneakers, “Well I like feeling apart of my school” I told her.

I heard her groan, “I know it’s one annoying things about you.” She

exclaimed.

I combed my fingers throw my hair “Have you talked to Tyler?” I asked

putting her on speaker.

She was silent for a second “He called me…”

“Did you answer?”

“No.”

“Skylar you like him,” I pointed out to her “Why are you doing that?”

“Because I like him,” she argued.

I shook my head “I’m too tired to understand you right now.”

“What about Dean” she confronted.

“What about him?”

Skylar laughed, “Do you like him?” She questioned.

I grunted “Wait don’t answer that” Skylar said, “Do you think he’s hot?


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And answer me honestly”

“Why do you need to know this?” I asked.

The doorbell rang, “So I can know that my best friend actually has a

pulse.” Skylar stated.

I rolled my eyes as I made my way down stairs “Fine” I gave in.

“Fine what?” she questioned.

I sighed, “I think that Dean is hot .”

The doorbell rang again, “Nah, changed my mind. That won’t cut it,” she

said.

“What do you want me to say?” I questioned.

“That he’s kissable.”

I laughed “Dean kissable?" I opened the front door.

I almost choked on my tongue.

Dean was standing on my doorstep with a lopsided grin and his cell phoneto his ear, “I’m also charming, funny, and I make a insane grilled cheese”

he joked as he hung up the phone.

“Thanks Skylar,” I hung up the phone.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He lifted a brown bag “Well I have food and movies,” he explained.


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I raised my eyebrows questionably “And?” I crossed my arms.

Dean scratched his head nervously, “I figured your mom would be

working late as usual and figured I—I um bring you dinner,” he said “I—

uh now that I think about it. It’s kind of lame.”

I watched him curiously “No it’s…convenient,” I admitted.

“I was going for sweet,” He smiled.

I fought a grin “Can I come in or do you want to eat out here, with the

mosquitoes?” he asked me.

“What’s in the bag?” I asked.

“Burger House” he told me. “You still like the double stack with onions?”

I gave him a wide smile “Yeah you can come in,” I allowed.

I headed to the kitchen “What if I didn’t have burgers?” he asked.

I grabbed plates, “I’m sure the mosquitoes would have enjoyed it.”

“That’s what I get for being a nice person?”

I looked at him “No it’s what you get for listening in on my phone call

with Skylar.” I indicated.

He shrugged “It wasn’t to hear you gush about me, that was all Skylar” he

said.

I sat down as he passed my food, “Then what was it for?”


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He sat beside me “I needed to know what you’ve been up to,” he told me.

“You could have asked me,” I specified.

“You don’t like answering my questions” he mentioned.

I rolled my eyes and took a huge bite into my burger. His questions were

outside of the box that I wanted to stay put in. He wanted to know

everything in my head, and it freaked me out.

“Did you find out everything you wanted to know?” I questioned.

He nodded “Yeah now I know you’ve wasted your high school experience

on books and the same routine everyday for the past three years” he said.

I remained silent as he threw fries in his mouth and looked at me “Am I

wrong?” he asked.

“In many ways yes.”

He grinned with his mouth full of food “That’s how I know I’m right,” he

told me.

I shook my head as Dean stood with his food and left the room “Where areyou going?” I asked.

“To watch TV,” he yelled from the living room.

I shook my head and starred at my plate “You coming?” He called.

I grabbed my plate and went into the living room. He sat on the sofa an

already began to watch Game of Thrones.


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I sat beside him and watched as he ate contently. I still couldn’t understand

him “What are you doing?” I questioned.

Dean looked up mid bite “Huh?”

“What are you doing?” I repeated.

His mouth was full with dark meat “I don’t understand the question,” He

spoke.

“Why are you here, Dean? I mean what is this? What are we doing?” I

freaked “I haven’t seen you in almost four years and not once in any of

your emails have you told me you were coming back a—and I just need to

know what are we doing here right now because it doesn’t make sense.”

He sat his plate on the coffee table and turned to me “If you’re asking why

I’m back in town, it’s because I wanted to be here for senior year because I

consider this place home. It took a lot of convincing my dad but he agreed

to let me stay with my Aunt for the year.”

“Bu—”

“Let me finish” he interrupted “Also if your asking me why I am here with

you, its because you’re one of my best friends and I missed you. Plus it’sthe first night we won’t be stressed with school and I figured you need it

because you hate being alone here. I mean I kind of need it too…the

company.” He exhaled “Don’t even look at it like that... I think empty

seconds should be filled with friends. Not alone or wondering into the air,

we all want more than that. So if you don't mind, can we just sit here and

watch TV and enjoy each other’s company? Let’s simply be, alright?”

I never heard anyone talk like that. I gaped “Simply be, huh?” I amused “I


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like that.”

He grabbed his plate, “You really need to try it.” He said “Cause you

driving me insane.”

I shoved him with my shoulder and he shoved me harder.


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4F I R S T D A Y O F S C H O O L

igh school wasn’t somewhere that I thought I would look forward

to being. But every year it is was the same wave of boiled

excitement stirred in my gut that made me nauseous. I remember

how it felt freshmen year to finally be in a broader world. Now I

didn’t know understand how I would leave it forever.

I sat in 7th period and my eyes were dreary from sleep, the morning had

seemed endless. I couldn’t believe I was still functioning this long without

passing out. I noticed Skylar walk in with Raven and groaned inwardly.

H


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Raven was one of the most talkative people I have ever met, not only that

she that one of the most invasive people in school. I was actually surprised

to not see her with her boyfriend, Mason. He was the class president of our

senior class and quarterback, but don’t worry she’ll let you know every

five seconds.

“Hey Macy!” Raven sat next to me.

I glanced at Skylar “Hey guys,” I smiled.

“Oh my god so was your summer?” Raven asked me “I totally wanted to

hang out but me and Mason went to the Caribbean with his family this

year and it was like the best vacation ever. But all that time away has put

Mason behind so he’s busy practicing night and day,” I watched her mouth

move rapidly like a practiced art “Oh my god but how are you? Skylar was just telling me about what you guys were up to and I wished I could have

been here to hang out with everyone. Like Tyler’s kick off party, oh my

god I heard nearly the whole school went. Then I hear his cousin Dean was

back and I know you’re still friends with him, so I know you must be just

so happy.”

I blinked finally realizing she was breathing “Yeah like the happiest,” I

mocked.

I watched her blue eyes widen in wonder “Oh and I love you hair” She

sang, “How did you do that?”

I twirled my dark hair around my finger “It was oily so I just threw it up in

a ponytail” I told her.

Raven smiled “Cool!” She began to apply lipstick.


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I looked at Skylar “Did you have fun last night?” Skylar asked with a

curious smile “I didn’t see you at lunch.”

“I had to meet with my counselor” I told her “But thanks to you, yes I did

have fun.”

“Oh, thanks to me?” she mocked, “You did have fun,” She noticed.

I laughed, “I did.”

The bell rang “Ooh this is juicy” she said “We are going to discuss this

after your soccer game”

I groaned, “You’re coming?” I asked.

“Of course, Tyler and Dean are too” she said.

I cringed a little “Skylar,” I doubted.

I could imagine her double poster boards, “I know you hate being watched

but it will be fun, you play in front of a crowd every time,” she said.

I sighed, “You’re right, I’ll be fine.”

Skylar locked eyes with me, “Just remember to take one breath at a time,”she reminded me.

I exhaled and nodded my head “I know.” I nodded.

She smiled in reassurance before turning toward the front of the class.

[2:30pm EST]


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After class I headed to the nurse’s office to take my daily pills before my

game. I walked in quickly and Dean sat in the waiting chair.

I turned away quickly and ran into the door headfirst “Oh Macy are you

alright?” Mrs. Greco headed over to me.

I held my head in my hands like an idiot, “What on earth were you doing?”

she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.

She led me into her office and I sat down in the chair “Are you alright?”

she asked me.

I nodded “Good and I’m assuming you’re here for your medication,” she

predicted.

“Yes.” I looked over my shoulder noticing the door was open and Dean

was still sitting there watching me.

I turned back to Mrs. Greco “Here you go, sweetie” she handed me two

white pretty pills and a cup of water.

I quickly threw the pills in my mouth and swallowed them with water. I

knew Dean would have a bunch of questions about why I had to takemedication and I wasn’t ready to explain why.

I stood, “See ya, Mrs. G,” I said.

“Good luck at your game!” she yelled.

I noticed Dean was gone, “Thank you!” I called back to her.


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I didn’t plan on telling Dean about my disorder or any problems with me

at all. For all he was concerned about, I was just the same stubborn girl

who obtained the ability to over think everything in any possible way and

lacked the ability of letting go. Simpler terms. I didn’t know what fun felt

like because I wasted so much time on the in crowd and I had know idea

what was out of it.

When I ran down to the soccer field I noticed the large group of people on

the stands. During the game I noticed Skylar, Dean and Tyler holding

matching posters that spelled out my name.

I got the various types of cheers and screams that Skylar must have taught

them before the game. They cheered for me the whole time as I blocked

every kick in the goal. I was the goalie, which meant I had the position to

see everything that was going on because how alert I am. I still maintained

to even keep an eye out for my mom or possibly my dad, who wassupposed to be in town this week. They use to love coming to my games

when they weren’t too busy hating each other.

After the game I hid out in the gym to call my mom “So did you win?” she

asked.

“Yeah” I told her “It was fourteen to seven.”

I could hear her moving around her office “Oh Macy that’s great!” sheamazed.

“Yeah I got like twelve blocks,” I told her “I was thinking we could make

some dinner tonight and celebrate with about ten pounds of ice cream” I

suggested.

She sighed, “That sounds great, but I don’t think I will be home in time

sweetie, I still have a couple files to do. I’m sorry I know this isn’t starting


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the year like you wanted,” she explained.

I shook my head, “Oh...”

“Look how about tomorrow?” she asked, “I’ll make lasagna, you’re

favorite with extra cheese!”

I laughed “Sure that sounds great” I told her.

“Good” she said “But why don’t you see what friends are doing?”

“I don’t know” I said, “ I might just go home and splurge on Game of

Thrones.”

My mother laughed, “You should go out for a little” she told me again.

I furrowed my eyebrow “Really?”

“Yes really, the mom-ster is allowing you to go out on the school night”

she joked “you’re a senior I think you can handle going out with friends

for a little.”

I shook my head “Fine.”

“Just be home by ten please,” she said.

“I will, love you” I hung up.

I picked up my gym bag and headed for the door but Dean walked

through. I opened my mouth to speak but he yelled, “I found her!”

Next thing I knew I was thrown over his shoulder and I heard loud screams

escalate around me. I smiled as I saw my Skylar and Tyler around me


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shouting my name.

“Put me down” I told Dean.

“No we’re kidnapping you,” He told me.

I shook my head as he followed them outside and to the car. Dean forced

me in the back and I pushed him out the car as he tried to climb in, “Where

are we going?” I asked him.

“Jeez, you’re already getting testy” Tyler, joked.

Skylar passed back a bag of food to Dean as he climbed back in, “Feed

her,” she demanded.

I noticed the burger grease escaping the brown bag and milkshakes in thefront seat coasters.

My stomach growled and Dean burst into laughter, “I bet that’s why

you’re always so grouchy” he told me “I should just feed you when I see

you.”

I grabbed the bag from him “It’s not just the way to a guys heart,” I

explained as I began to above the fries in my mouth.

I didn’t pay any more attention to where we were going or them. Once I

started eating I couldn’t stop and next thing I knew I was slurping away at

my milkshake.

I turned to see Dean watching me, “What?” I asked.

He smiled leaning his head on the window “Nothing” he said.


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I watched him he wore a simple white shirt, with jeans. He was a big guy

and took up most of the back seat with his legs. His hair was slightly

longer in the front and he definitely had more confidence that he used to. I

noticed the scar behind his ear and I began to remember the many fights he

used to get into.

“We’re here!” Skylar yelled.

I looked out the window “No way” I said hurrying out of the car.

I could see the lights of the city far up here. We all use come up here when

we were all close and I remember our multiple time capsules we buried for

when we were seniors, for when we graduated college, for when we grow

apart, we had time capsules for just about everything. It was our way of

motivating ourselves yet it was all my idea too it was my way to remind

myself of who I wanted to be.

I watched as Dean and Tyler took shovels out of the car. Skylar walked

over to me “We’re seniors now Mac” she pointed out “We need to do this

while we are together.”

I nodded in agreement “Do you guys remember where we buried it?” I

asked.

They all looked at each other wide eyed then back at me “We thought youwould” Dean explained.

I shrugged “I’m sorry I don’t remember” I lied.

Skylar’s face never grew so red “Are you kidding me?” she snapped. “We

drove up her for nothing!”

I laughed and walked away “Wait where are you going?” she called after


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me.

“To find a time capsule,” I teased.

The guys laughed and began to follow “That’s not funny” Skylar argued.

I glanced back at her “It’s a little funny” I said.

I walked into the side of the woods until I found the big Sycamore tree

“Here” I told them.

The guys began to shovel until they hit a hard surface. Skylar and I walked

over and helped them pull out the small suitcase.

“Who wants to do the honors?” Tyler asked.

“I will,” Dean opened it as we all sat there.

When it opened, I saw my old journal embroidered with my initials.

Tyler’s torn baseball glove, a white envelope, a picture of Dean with his

mother in the hospital, and Skylar’s music box. Taped onto the inside of

the lid was a picture of the three of us. I was smiling wide with my braces

and Skylar was elbowing Tyler while Dean stared at me.

He was always looking at me.

We all grabbed each of out items. I traced the stickers on the outside of my

journal, “I put my music box in here because it was the one of the last

things my grandma left for me” Skylar told us “Being with her was always

the best…She was always so free…I wanted to be like that.”

I smiled at her “You are one of the most free-willed people I ever met,

Sky” I told her.


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She shrugged “Thanks” she said.

Dean glanced at me, “I wanted to remember her,” Dean said looking at the

picture “She was the happiest person I’ve ever met even though she was

dying…that’s how I want to be everyday.”

I looked at him and understood that need to create every moment and

devour in every moment until you stopped breathing. But I always stopped

breathing.

“Dear Skylar, there are things I want to say to you that I can’t say to your

face” Skylar read from a paper.

I’ve never seen Tyler move so fast in is life “Give me that!” He yelled at

her.

She ran away and began reciting it loudly “I know we are friends and I

know you can never look at me the way I look at you. You are very strong

Sky” she mocked making a muscle “but I know you as the most kindest

and most passionate girl I know. ”

“Skylar stop!” Tyler’s face grew red and he stood there vulnerable and

open.

She laughed “And I’m in love with you,” Skylar caught herself in shock “I

hope and I know I will always love you for the every reason someone can

love someone. You make me want to be a better person.”

Dean and I sat there with our jaws in our laps while Tyler stood there with

his hands in his pockets starring at Skylar.

She looked at him and as usual she ran away, “We need to go” Skylar


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demanded.

Tyler followed her “Sky, wait!”

I looked at Dean “I guess they are in love” he joked.

I laughed at him “I know” I said “But knowing Skylar that scares her.”

“Why?”

I sighed, “She doesn’t want to need someone” I explained, “How her

mother needs her father she thinks it makes her weak and distracted.”

Dean finally stood and helped my up “It’s not so bad to need someone is

it?” he asked me.

He didn’t let go of my hand and his grey eyes pierced into mine “I

couldn’t imagine it being so bad” I admitted.

He let go of me, “Me neither” he added.

Dean headed to the car and I followed him “Hey what did you put in the

box?” he asked turning to me.

I held up my journal “Oh a diary?” he laughed.

I bit the inside of my cheek, “Yeah, I wanted to keep the memories,” I

explained, “when I was very happy.”

“When?” he questioned, “You’re not happy now?”

I scratched my neck “I wasn’t” I admitted “but, I feel like I’m getting

there.”


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We began to walk to the car “I hope it’s because of me, just saying” he

gloated making me laugh.


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5S P I R I T W E E K

ow did that feel?” Dr. Jeffery’s asked me “Digging up those

memories?”

I chewed at my lip “Terrifying,” I told him “Those things were before our

lives didn’t become so messed up.”

I starred at the floor “I wouldn’t say your life is messed up, you were kids,

Macy. Life happened,” he explained “I think exploring this time with your

friends is good for you.”

“I’m going to say goodbye to them anyway,” I shook my head “So what’s

“H


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the point?”

Dr. Jeffery’s sighed, “The point is they allow you to grow and from what

you told me they allow you to feel something other than anger and

oppression,” he said “I am just saying be open to them, be open to let go

because life is going to go on.”

I nodded in agreement “I’m trying” I admitted, “It’s surprising really

because I didn’t expect it to be this hard, letting someone in, especially

Dean who I use to tell everything to but he left…I got so use to being left

plus benefits of the panic attacks… it’s just now I find myself scared to

even answer one of his questions like I’m doing it wrong…he has so many

questions. It’s like he wants to be in my head.” I glanced at Dr. Jeffery’s “I

still have not told him about my anxiety, how would I even explain that to

him?”

Dr Jeffery’s smiled at me “I think he likes you,” he pointed out.

I burst into laughter “That is the craziest thing I ever heard you say.”

“I think you like him too” he added.

I shook my head “We use to take baths together,” I remembered “He’s like

my brother that went away to college and just came back…that’s just

gross.”

“You don’t get nervous around your brother” Dr. Jeffery’s told me.

“I never said he made me nervous,” I refuted.

Dr. Jeffery’s wrote away on his note pad “You didn’t have to tell me” he

laughed “I’m the therapist remember.”


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I rolled my eyes “How can I ever forget?”

He sighed, “Macy I think this is really good,” he commented “I think you

should tell Dean about your anxiety. I know you are worried about how he

would see you differently but I don’t think so, he might just understand.”

I shrugged “I don’t know…” I said.

I looked at the clock and stood, “Think about it” Dr. Jeffery’s told me.

“I will” assured.

“See you next week,” he said as I walked out the door.

Dr. Jeffery’s was always had this way of making me think of exactly what

I did not want to think about. I guess it’s that elder wisdom, similar to mymother sometimes. However my mother was more oppressive.

Once I made my way home Skylar was waiting for me with a huge duffle

bag in her hand.

I got of my car “What are you doing here?” I asked her.

Skylar looked at me in disbelief “Oh god you forgot didn’t you?’ she

noticed.

I laughed “About?”

“It’s spirit week Mac.”

I groaned, “Oh god the senior pranks,” I remembered.

“Yes you said you would do it with me” she reminded me “And everyone


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is already at the school setting theirs up.”

I sighed, “Skylar I have so much AP chemistry homework” I told her.

She made a groaning cow-like noise “No do not say that!" Skylar whined,

“C’mon Macy you can do that stuff literally in your sleep.”

I grinned as she hugged me tightly “Please, best friend"

She begged “I can’t do it alone, we’re partners in crime. If I do the time

you have to braid my hair. It is the CODE

C’mon, please.”

I laughed, “Oh god fine” I gave in.

She cheered, “Awesome lets go!” She pulled me back to the car.

“This is going to be trouble,” I predicted as we made our way to the

school.

“Trouble is good” Skylar said “especially for you.”

I rolled my eyes, “I know what trouble is.”

Skylar grinned mischievously, “I know you know what it is” she figured“I’m saying you need to understand the best part of trouble” she rolled

down her window “its the adrenaline, the recklessness and getting lost in

the hell of it.”

I glanced at her “That was kind of wise” I complimented.

“I know” she said “Tell anyone and my reputation is destroyed.” I shook

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Once we got to the school Skylar lead me to the football field where Tyler

and Dean waited for us with ten full trash bags.

I locked eyes with Skylar in question as they all stared at me “Anyone

want to tell me what this huge prank is?” I asked.

The guys laughed, “Well you know when we were freshmen and the

football team faked a fire drill and hosed down all the freshmen class”

Tyler asked me.

I nodded “Yeah, It was snowing and I got strep throat” I remembered.

Dean lifted up one trash bag “I introduce you to phase one of payback”

Dean said opening a bag full of mousetraps.

I laughed, “Guys you aren’t serious, those football players graduated,” I

said.

“But they do it every year,” Skylar chimed in “It’s like tradition to them.”

“Now its time to make our own tradition,” Tyler explained.

I grabbed the bag from Dean, “Okay what’s phase one?” I asked.

“Well we are going to booby trap the locker room showers while these two

bubble wrap the football field” Dean explained.

I shook a smile “Devious,” I joked “I’m in.”

Tyler handed a bag to Skylar and she gave it to me “We’ll set the mouse

traps” she said, “You boys handle the field.”


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I folded my arms “How?”

“There are no expectations,” she said “We have fun.”

“You and Tyler have fun.”

“So what?” She glared at me “What do you want me to say?”

"I want you to be straight up with me,” I told her "it's me Sky, what is the

problem?"

Skylar frowned at me "I'm sorry you're right," she apologized.

"I know," I reassured.

She shook her head "It's just I like him and I can’t stand it!" She stressed.

"I know,” I repeated.

"Ugh it's just that he wants so much from me! And apparently I'm stupid;

Macy because I want nothing from him and that makes me the bad guy!

But when I look at him that all changes and it pisses me off because he's

ruining everything!" She gasped in one breath.

I laughed and she glared at me "Macy!" She yelled at me "this isn't funny!"

For some reason the tough look on her face caused more laughter to

bubble up inside of me, "I'm sorry I'm completely serious" I managed.

My smile was officially contagious now as she began to smirk “That was a

bit dramatic” she noticed.


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She tilted her head reposefully, “Where have you been?” she questioned.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, “I was with Skylar and the guys—”

“And you didn’t call?” she indicated.

“I know, I’m sorry my phone died,” I explained.

She stood “That is not an excuse!” she yelled.

I blinked twice “I know it’s not and I am sorry” I said, “I should have

called.”

She looked at me “I understand that I said have fun, Macy” she told me

“but this is not what I meant.”

I rolled my eyes “Well what did you mean?”

Her eyes widened “Do not talk to me like that young lady,” she snapped

“It is almost two am on a school night and you were out doing God knows

what.”

My heart began to race, “I wasn’t doing anything unlike most people my

age” I defended “I don’t understand why you are so worried anyway I was

with Skylar.”

“I don’t know what could have happened to you!” she shouted, “It is

completely unacceptable.”

My hands trembled, “But it’s acceptable when you go out and never call?”

I muttered.

Her hands rose to her hips “Excuse me?”


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watch High School Musical and believe its true?”

“No its worse,” Skylar said, “She actually volunteers for it.”

Dean gasped, “Who are you?” he asked.

“You guys are idiots,” I opened my locker.

Dean leaned next to my locker “But you like idiots” he wiggled his

eyebrows.

I shook my head as I stuffed my locker with my bags “How would you

know what I like?” I laughed.

“I think she is challenging you” Skylar teased.

I looked at her “She always enjoys challenging me” Dean mentioned.

He stared at me and I scratched my neck nervously “Um…so how’s your

couple of weeks going back at school?” I asked him.

He sighed “Great actually,” he said, “I’m tired all the time, oh and I have

all this fun work to do that lasts me all night.”

Skylar and I laughed “C’mon it can’t be that bad,” Skylar said.

A couple of sophomores walked by starring at Dean with heart eyes, “I

mean that part isn’t so bad” he admitted.

I closed my locker “Ready to go?” I asked Skylar.

She nodded “Catch you later D,” she told Dean as we walked away.


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My shoulders rolled back “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” I asked.

“I have lunch right now,” he told me “What are you working on?”

I tried to focus, “English paper.” I stated.

“You’re telling me you didn’t finish it?” Dean amazed.

I shrugged “It’s not like I was able to finish it last night” I pointed out.

“True” he leaned towards me causing me to turn to him “I need your help

with something.”

I sighed, “I figured you were up to something.”

“It’s for a good cause, just hear me out,” He suggested.

I set my laptop aside, “Fine” I nodded.

“Tyler wants to take Skylar to homecoming,” he told me.

I raised an eyebrow “Does Tyler have a death wish?” I asked.

Dean smiled “He’s just relentless” he admired “Anyway, we just needyour help to get them alone.”

I shook my head “No” I said, “Skylar would kill me!”

“C’mon it’s just one date,” he said “It’s not a marriage proposal.”

“It’s close enough,” I explained.


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I convinced Skylar to come to Burger House after my soccer practice

because I was apparently starving as usual. I agreed with Dean that if Tyler

asked her publically there would a sixty percent chance she won’t say no

but there was no certainty there.

As soon as we sat down Skylar began to question me “So, what’s going

on?” she asked me.

I looked up from my phone “What?”

She glared at me “You have been on that thing since we left the car” she

pointed out “Who would you be texting right now?”

“Dean,” I told her.

Her lips curled “Oh, how is Dreamy eyes?” She gushed.

I rolled my eyes “Don’t call him that,” I demanded.

She laughed and then gasped, “Oh my goodness, you like him!” Skylar

yelled.

My eyes widened “Shh” I told her as people began to look our way, “or

tell the whole diner why don’t you…” I muttered.

“My bad, but that is what it was? Wasn’t it?” she indicated.

I shook my head “What are you talking about?”

“How you’ve been acting recently,” she said.

“How I have been acting has nothing to do with just Dean,” I explained.


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But it had everything to do with me “Maybe you don’t even know it yet,”

Skylar, noticed.

“I think I would know if I was into someone or not” I told her as the

waitress placed our milkshakes on the table.

Skylar gave a doubtful look as she drank her milkshake. I noticed Tyler

walk in with Dean hidden behind balloons.

“But I know who you like” I told Skylar as they made their way to us.

Skylar glanced back and her face cemented into frozen shock. I imagined

subtly was not Tyler’s strong suit based off his penguin tuxedo. However

putting Skylar on the spot like this in front of all these people was one of

the best moments I witnessed.

Tyler handed her a bouquet of roses and simply said with a charming grin,

“You’re going to homecoming with me Skylar Graham and no is not an

answer.” Skylar looked at me then at everyone starring at them in hopeful

awe.

She took the roses and glared at me “I’ll go with you, Tyler” she told him

causing a loud cheer “BUT!” she interrupted.

I raised an eyebrow, “Macy has to go with Dean,” she demanded.

I bit the inside of my cheek so hard until I tasted blood. I hated her. I hated

her even more as Dean took a rose from her bouquet and handed to me.

My eyes locked with his “What do you say, doll face?” he suggested.

“I am so going to regret this,” I muttered taking the rose “Yes.”


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Dean’s smile widened as the diner cheered for us while I sat there staring

at the strawberry chunks sink down in my glass.

[Friday 4:45pm EST]

I sat in the fitting room on the floor of Lulu’s looking at myself in the

mirror. The awful pink dress Skylar made me try on hung loosely around

my shoulders and my long legs were bent awkwardly. I never felt more

ridiculous staring at myself. I was exhausted and it showed in my tired

brown eyes and my unkempt hair. The dance was in four hours and I was a

mess.

I heard a loud knock on the door “Macy I found another one open up!”

Skylar demanded.

I stood and opened the door “I found a red one!” she barged in “Wait why

are you still in the pink dress?” she noticed.

“I don’t like the other ones,” I said.

She groaned, “You haven’t even tried them on,” she argued.

I rolled my eyes “I don’t know if I want to go anymore,” I explained “I

just can’t.”

Skylar looked at me “Macy—”

“I don’t know if I can go with Dean” I interrupted “I just feel…I’m going

to puke out of my butt and that honestly scares me,” I held my stomach.

She was smiling at me “Why are you looking at me like that?” I

questioned.


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“Because you’re nervous to go on a date with a guy you like,” she told me

“Never did I think I’d see the day,” she hugged me.

“I’m so glad this makes you happy,” I mocked.

Sklyar laughed as she pulled back “Macy it will be fine” she soothed

“You’ll dance and laugh and thanks to me you’ll look amazing.”

I tilted my head to side, “What about you?” I asked “Are you nervous?”

She sighed, “Like I said it’s normal to be nervous to go out with a guy you

like,” she explained.

“But you more than like Tyler,” I pointed out.

Skylar handed me the dress “It doesn’t matter” she said “We are all going

to forget each other in less than a year anyway.”

She began to leave the dressing room “Skylar don’t talk like that” I told

her.

She looked back at me with glassy eyes, “Why not?” she questioned “It’s

not like it’s not true.”

I ran my fingers through my hair “ Okay but I mean what matters is who

you are now and how you feel now” I explained “I might not know much

about it as you do but it all of that stays with you even in less than a year

from now.”

Skylar smiled at me “I know that” she assured “but I just think it’s

pointless letting people in.”


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I nodded in agreement “Trust me I know the feeling but I have highly

evasive friends who could care less,” I teased.

She laughed and left me to change.

I knew something about high school that she didn’t. It was the unguided

road about growing up. I am learning how to live my life and it is my

choice to have fears that I am subjected to. However it also my choice to

hold onto those fears that paralyze my way of actually letting go and trying

on a dress.

It’s silly honestly that a simple dance worried me so much. I guess I never

really wanted to face how I felt about Dean and that’s what this dance was;

a slick allure dressed in excuse to be close to someone.

[Friday 7:45pm EST]

I paced the empty gymnasium waiting for the DJ to finish setting up. Dean

would be coming soon with Skylar and Tyler when the dance started. In

the meantime I had to help everyone finish setting up for the night.

I noticed Mason and Raven arguing heavily by the punch bowl. I groaned

inwardly, this was the fifth time today that I’ve witnessed them biting at

each other necks then they would hug and kiss ten minutes later like

nothing happened.

I began to head over to them, in order to get them away from each other.

“I don’t want to talk about this Raven!” Mason yelled.

“You never want to talk about it,” she snapped, “I don’t even understand

what the problem is.”


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“You are the proble—”

“Hey guys!” I interrupted “We need cups for the punch.”

Mason curled his lip “I’ll get them,” he said storming off.

I looked at Raven and noticed her eyes were glassy “You guys okay?” I

asked her.

She blinked twice and tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder “Yeah of

course, we’re fine” she smiled “I think its school stressing us out, you

know? But, oh my god, you look great that dress looks amazing on you!”

she complimented.

I touched at the silky red fabric of the strapless dress, it fit like a glove“Oh, Skylar picked it out,” I explained.

Raven nodded “She has such good taste” she amazed “I can’t wait to see

what she is wearing tonight!” she rambled in her tasteful way to distract

me from the sad look I saw in her face “Isn’t she coming with Tyler! They

make such a cute couple and how he asked her to homecoming was like

the sweetest thing I ever seen him do. I mean its Tyler Craw I don’t think

he ever asked any one to homecoming before he must really like her! He

should I mean Skylar is amazing.”

I grinned, “Yeah Tyler surprised us all,” I told her.

Raven searched the gym “I’m going to find Mason” she told me.

“Wait, Raven” I called before she walked away.

She looked at me in question and I couldn’t place what I wanted to say to


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her. I just couldn’t stand the mess she was caught up in yet I didn’t

understand it either.

So I bit my tongue, “He’s probably in the faculty room,” I told her.

“Thanks!” she ran off.

Once I turned around I noticed the large groups of people begin to walk in.

The music then began to surround every noise and movement in the room.

Then I saw him walk in, head high, and eyes scanning the room quickly.

I was right across from him but he didn’t see me and I was happy for it. I

could look without being embarrassed. He wore a warm grey suit with a

black tie and golden his hair was combed back out of his face so I could

see eyes when they tracked me down.

Dean smiled so wide it scared me. “Macy!” Skylar called gaining my

attention.

I didn’t even notice her standing by Dean with Tyler locked in her arm. I

headed over “Hey you look great!” I told Skylar.

She wore a short flowing back dress “I know right!” Tyler answered,

“Let’s dance!” he dragged her away.

I laughed as Skylar mouthed HELP to me.

“They are something else,” Dean fathomed.

I looked at him “Do I know you?” I teased, “Because the Dean I know

doesn’t what a comb looks like.”


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Dean rolled his eyes at me as I leaned close and gasped “Or a razor!” I

added.

He grinned, “The Macy I know would rather be at home locked in her

closet,” he joked “but look at you partying with the masses.”

I shook my head “I had to come” I told him.

Dean walked in front of me “I know I had part in that” he said, “I’m sorry

you were put on the spot like that.”

“It’s fine,” I told him “Besides it’s not completely horrible, yet.”

“Yet?” he raised his eyebrows “You don’t even have faith in me.”

I laughed “Well prove me wrong,” I demanded.

Dean took my hand “Well the night is young.” He stated as he pulled me

toward the dance floor.

The crowd was thick and bodies pulsed to music like it was their siren.

Dean eyes danced in the light and I felt his fingers interlock with mine

then we moved so swiftly like air was beneath us.

I had not a care in the world and that felt justifiable like a right that belonged to me. I forgot what this could feel like, how it rushed through

my core, and for once I had no burdens. Not about my life or my parents or

who I wanted to be.

I realized the music slowed down as everyone moved closer together. I

grinned as Dean awkwardly pulled me closer for one of my first slow

dances.


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I noticed his eyes on me “What?” I asked.

He shook his head “Nothing” he told me with a laugh “It’s just you use to

have braces and you wore your hair in those two braids.”

I blinked “And now…” Dean trailed.

“And now what?” I pushed.

“And now I have trouble figuring out what to say to you,” he blurted.

I felt my face redden, “Well you haven’t been holding back so far” I said.

“But you have,” he pointed out.

I glanced up at him “What?”

He sighed “I mean I feel like there something you’re keeping from me and

I might be wrong,” he explained “but I noticed it ever since I got back and

I know it’s been a while and you owe me nothing. I just like to know…or

at least talk how we used to.”

I knew the conversation that we needed to have about my anxiety but there

were things I haven’t told him about like what I’ve been going through

with my parent’s separation.

I pulled away from him “Lets go then,” I suggested.

He tilted to his head “Where?”

“Somewhere we can talk” I told him as I lead him out of the school.

[Friday 9:57pm EST]


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Dean and I both sat on one side of a booth splitting fries in the nearly

empty Burger House. The heels I wore sat comfortably on the other side of

the table while my bare feet enjoyed the feeling of the cold floor.

“This is way better than punch and chips,” Dean told me.

I laughed, “I know way better,” I agreed.

“So how is your mom?” he asked.

I shrugged “She is good considering everything with my dad,” I said “It

was really hard on her when my dad left.”

Dean nodded “What about you?” he questioned.

“I mean it’s better to not hear from him rather than deal with him trying

and failing to actually make an effort in my life” I explained.

“Sometimes effort is important,” Dean said.

I starred as I played with my limp fry, “And sometimes it isn’t enough” I

added.

Silence filled the air “So your dad is okay with you staying with youraunt?” I asked.

He gave me a sour face “Not really” he told me “But I needed it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t been on my best behavior in a while” he told me “I convinced

him if I came back here I would do better.”


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I grinned, “So this is like probation?” I joked.

He laughed at me “Minus the strict curfew and cops breathing down my

neck, yeah” he told me.

“What are the rules for you being here?” I asked.

“Well school comes first, I have to let my aunt know my every move, no

drinking, and no more fighting” he listed.

“And what happens if you don’t do one of those?”

He sighed, “Then it’s back to moving across the world again with personal

tutors” he told me.

“Personal tutors doesn’t seem so bad” I said.

“For about three and a half years yeah it does.”

I looked at him, “Wait you’re telling me that you were homeschooled

since eighth grade?” I asked.

He grinned “Yeah,” he admitted.

I shook my head in amazement “So tonight—”

“Was one of my first school dances,” he nodded.

I let the fries fall from my hands as I starred out the window. Here I am

consumed with my annoying dramatics about AP classes, student council

meetings, and school events I had going to while Dean never even had the

chance to experience any of the great parts of it.


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“What are you thinking?” he invaded my mind.

I turned to him “I just can’t imagine not going through high school and

what that must have been like for you” I said.

Dean shrugged “Just meant more time for important things like Game of

Thrones and The Walking Dead” he joked.

“Those are more important,” I smiled.

He studied me for a moment, “I want to show you what it’s like” he said.

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

He rested his elbow on the table to prop his head, “Going through highschool without wasting your time away” he explained, “I mean it’s more

than just schoolwork and clubs.”

My mouth quivered into a smile “You trying to teach me something I

asked.

Dean shook his head in fast-forward, “I can’t teach you anything” he told

me “but I can show you and maybe you’ll understand.”

I starred out the window for a moment to myself. There were things I

didn’t know about the night that others knew, outside of school and what it

meant to be young or happy.

I wanted to know what it was felt like to live life as if I were blinking for

the first time.

I looked at him, “Show me.” I demanded.


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6H A L L O W E E N

om!” I called as I ran down stairs quickly in hope to find

my eye patch to my pirate costume.

She sat unbothered on the couch, “What is it?” she watched me rummage

through the living room.

“I can’t find my eye patch!” I explained “or my keys!”

I ran to the kitchen to grab my purse, “Here’s your eye patch” my mother

“M


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told me as she sat it on the counter.

I attempted to ignore her stare as she watched me dig through my purse for

my keys.

“Are you sure about this party?” she pursed her lips.

I sighed “Mom, its Halloween” I explained.

“I know, but you know how things like that could effect you” she worried.

I rolled my eyes “You mean effect my anxiety,” I added.

“Yes, Macy your anxiety” she said, “It actually does exist.”

“I know that, mom,” I snapped.

I took a moment to think about her position and I gave a gentle stare “I’ll

be careful, you don’t have to worry” I soothed.

“Just call me if anything goes wrong,” she demanded.

The doorbell interrupted her devoted examination, “I will” I assured.

I noticed my keys on the counter “I’m serious Macy and text me when youget there” she added as I headed to the door.

I threw on my coat, “I’ll text you when I’m there and when I’m leaving

and even if I’m having fun or not” I delighted “Okay? I love you!”

I finally ran out the door avoiding any further questioning about anything

and everything she could worry me about.


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I noticed Dean waiting on my front porch dressed in a long black coat and

a pirate hat, “You couldn’t wait in the car?” I asked.

Dean turned around “A pirate can’t be a gentleman too?” he questioned.

I made my way down the steps “A girl like me is flattered by riches,” I

acted.

“No a girl like you,” he followed me “Dressed in allure and layered in

softness needs the pleasantry before the gold.”

I stopped by the car “That is some strict poetry, Mr. Smith,” I

complimented.

Dean flashed a smile from the opposite side of the car, “I knew you would

like that,” he said.

I laughed, "I did,” I admitted.

Dean unlocked the door, “So where is this party?” I asked.

“About an hour away,” he told me while we climbed in “Skylar and Tyler

are already on their way so we need to get going.”

“Alright let’s boogie,” I said.

Dean laughed, “Never say that,” he demanded.

I smiled “Then what do I say?” I asked, “Let’s get our grove on? Cruise it

to loose it? Leggo?”

He shook his head with a laugh, “You are such a loser,” he told me.


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“You got a thing for losers,” I teased.

“That I do,” he blasted the radio until my thoughts were gone.

When we arrived I sat in the car amazed at the amount of people entering

what looked like an abandoned amusement park. The night was officially

dark and that signaled the feat of Halloween.

“Dean, where are we?” I asked.

He climbed out of the car and opened my door “You coming, doll face?”

he asked me.

He grabbed my hand and helped me out the car “Macy!” Skylar’s called.

I noticed Tyler standing beside her by the entrance. We hurried over tothem “You came!” Skylar cheered as we collided into a bear hug.

I laughed, “Oh and you wore the costume I got you!” she noticed.

I pulled down my skirt “Yeah next time get a bigger size” I told her.

“You’re funny” Skylar locked arms with me “Let’s party!”

We headed inside and I’ve never seen so many people in my entire life. Itwas an amusement park turned upside down. The place was decorated in

steel bars wrapped in cobwebs, severed limbs, and many animated props.

The flashing neon lights made it harder to see but I could still manage my

way around the red solo cups covering the ground. It all blurred in the

music that ran through the entire park.

“Guy’s lets go in the haunted house,” Tyler requested.


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who we are now by charlea fields

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