When I’m Angry

Presented by:Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLEWebsite: www.lakesidednet.com

Course Goals

Become more clear and more confidentregarding the three major styles ofconflict resolution

Become more aware of personalvalues, beliefs around and experienceswith anger

Become more aware of ways angercan be outwardly expressed

Be prepared and intentional by utilizingspecific steps to respond effectively toanger

We expect to help participants:

Conflict Resolution

Be highly self-aware and intentional. “Begin with theend in mind.” (Stephen Covey)

Three major styles (Dadds, Atkinson, Turner, Blumsand Lendich)

~ Attacking: being verbally or physically threatening~ Avoiding: withdrawing, becoming cool or distant~ Addressing: discussing and negotiating, fair resolve

Critical Nevers

embarrass, coerce or in any way pressure studentsto participate

force students to participate in personal surveyquestions

disclose responses students have made privately topersonal survey questions

force students to publicly disclose their responses topersonal survey questions

instruct students to close their eyes and remember anegative experience involving anger

Educators should never:

Got Anger? “ACE” It!

“A” = “Assess” the situation “C” = “Choose” which option might be most helpful “E” = Execute the decision well

A quick process repeated over and over until theemotional aspect of anger has been lessened andthose involved are ready to more calmly addresstheir needs, issues, feelings, concerns andperspectives

Four Possible Anger Situations

As you respond to anger, keep in mind that the focuscan be:– When I am the angry person– When someone’s anger is directed toward me– When I am angry at someone and he or she is

also angry with me– When I am supporting someone who is

experiencing anger that is not directed toward me

Assessment Grid

As educators become more effective in theirmanagement of anger they will be able to clarifywhen, why and how best to respond to anger. Aspart of this process we suggest educators developa personal grid of questions that will allow them torecognize their choices and will ultimately allowthem to make healthy decisions when dealing withanger issues.

Assessment Grid What might the cause of my anger be? What do I want to be certain I do (and do not do)? What do I need? How reasonable are my needs? What am I expecting? On what am I basing those

expectations? Where is my power? Where don’t I have power? What are my responsibilities? More possible areas to assess.

What might be the cause of my anger?

Remember that anger can be thought of asboth a symptom and a signal.

Possible or probable underlying causes ofthe anger are really the heart of the situation.

Ask yourself: What are objective facts ofsituation? What about this situation seemsunfair, dangerous, confusing? What triggerthoughts am I having? What do I believe istrue about myself, the other person, thesituation?

What do I want to be certain to do(and not do)?

Thought process could include: I want to remainclear that if I take the time to regroup, focus, gainclarity I can bring myself back to being in charge

I do not have to permit an “Amygdala hijacking.” Ican be in charge of my brain and what happens.

I want to be sure I am in my cortex (thinking part ofthe brain).

I do not want to damage another person’s emotionalhealth or our relationship.

I want to walk away knowing I preserved mypersonal integrity.

What do I need? How reasonable?

Often by assessing needs, I can understand thesituation more clearly.

I can differentiate between legitimate needs andthings that are more wants.

If my needs are real and reasonable and not beingmet, I may need to reevaluate how they canadequately be met.

What do I expect? Based on?

So often anger is about disappointment. This in turnis linked to expectations.

What specifically did I believe should or should nothave happened? On what did I base those beliefs?

Am I ascribing motives because I think I know whatothers can and cannot do? Am I assuming theyhave hidden agendas to hurt or disrespect me?

What might be a better or more fair set ofexpectations based on solid approaches tounderstanding people, especially children?

Where is my power?

There are some things within my power here andsome that are not. I need to address those things Ihave power over.

I have the power to think clearly about my choicesand how to best execute the one I choose.

I have the power to engage my creative self as Imanage my anger and the power to seek otherresources if I cannot come up with options.

I can choose which approach to use: attack, avoidor address.

I have the power to behave in a calm, respectfulway.

Where don’t I have power?

Just as I have power in some areas, there are thingsI have little or no power over.

I cannot force someone else to agree with me, tosee and appreciate my perspective.

There are some things that once done cannot beundone. Some things are facts and realities andgetting upset about these serves no purpose.

I need to refocus on what I can do and move awayfrom putting energy into what I cannot do.

What are my responsibilities?

What have I agreed to do? What is fair that I be held accountable for doing or

not doing? Why am I accepting this responsibility? If it is not

mine then I do not need to put a lot of energy into itother than perhaps to understand the dynamics ofthe situation and help if that seems appropriate.

More Possible Areas to Assess

If time permits to assess at a deeper level, you canlook at your behavior as it relates to your level ofemotional health and relational health.

How emotionally healthy am I right now? What do I need to address to protect and increase

my emotional health? How healthy is this relationship right now? What is my internal language like?

Additional Questions

We recommend incorporating the followingadditional questions when dealing with angerdirected at a child.

What aspects of child development might becontributing to the situation?

What do I want to intentionally model to this child asI manage my angry feelings?

What messages do I want to transmit about being aneffective, caring educator who can manage anger inhealthy ways?

Additional Questions

We recommend incorporating the followingadditional questions when dealing with angerdirected at you by someone else.

Is there any danger (actual or potential) that I couldbe hurt by this person?

How well do I know this person? To what extent does what this person is angry about

seem legitimate? Which of the original questions might help me

assess this situation?

Mechanics of Choice

There are several ways to approach and apply“choice” when assessing the situation.

Determine which of the four possible situations isinvolved.

Consider the various categories of choices under theparticular situation.

Use the Choice categories to create a specific plan. Execute the plan. Assess how well the execution is going. Assessment may lead to making more/different

choices.

Category of ChoicesWhen I Am Angry Exiting, physically or mentally (if I am in danger). Using a pre-established mantra or cue to help

maintain or return to a calmer state. Methodically collect factual data about the situation. Assess (and reassess if needed) the possible

causes of anger (trigger thoughts, distortions). Taking time to empathize, consider the needs,

feelings and perspectives of others. Deciding if and how I might vent my anger. Using I-Messages to let others involved know my

perspective, needs, values, concerns, requests.

Category of ChoicesWhen I Am Angry Using internal I-Messages to gain further

perspectives Determine necessary outcomes to achieve

adequate resolution Deciding which of the following is most

reasonable and appropriate: let go, takecharge, shift to problem exploration

Reviewing and evaluating process to ensureintegrity is being preserved

Category of ChoicesWhen I Am Angry Acknowledging my part in the problem. Reassuring anyone of unconditional love that

overrides any feelings of anger. Asking for forgiveness. Offering forgiveness. Discussing the overall process with all

involved.

Intentional Choice:To Vent or Not To Vent? From an intentional position of strength and self-

control based on intentional assessment, peopleexperiencing anger can decide if and to what extentto vent anger or other emotions.

They can decide to vent their angry expressionstoward the target of their anger, to vent alone or tosomeone else entirely.

Even as they are venting they can eventually gain abetter understanding of the situation and becomecreative about responding in healthy, constructiveways.

Choices When I am the Target ofSomeone’s Anger First assessment is critical because it determines

which set of choices a person is dealing with. If I don’t know the person and therefore don’t know if

they are dangerous or volatile, my choice has to beto proceed with extreme caution and have an exitplan in place.

Choices When I am the Target ofSomeone’s Anger

If I know the person and they tend to be unreasonable, are attacking or are in any way dangerous, my choices are to:

~ Exit!~ If that is not an option, be conciliatory, contrite,

submissive.~ Respond with respectful statements to de-escalate the

tension.~ Mentally make a plan for retreating.~ Do whatever I can to avoid a confrontation.~ If confrontation is inevitable, do whatever I have to do

to survive.

Choices When I am the Target ofSomeone’s Anger If I am certain I am not in danger, the list expands

with the goal to diffuse emotionality and engage thecortex:

~ Listen respectfully.~ Apologize for part of the person’s anger I decide is

reasonable.~ Assertively set limits if person is overstepping bounds.~ Cautiously use confrontational logic.~ Affirm the other person’s right to confront and

appreciate their feelings and needs.~ Encourage a problem exploration process.

Choices When I Am AngryWith Someone Who is AngryWith Me

Consider a confrontation which can be on thecontinuum of more destructive or more healthy

Establish and adhere to a set of ground rules toinsure safety and promote a constructive processsuch as:~ No verbal or physical attacks.~ Respect opinions and perspectives of each other.~ Allow each other opportunity to speak.~ Listen carefully to each other.~ Stop the process if conversation becomes hostile.~ If necessary involve a mediator.

Choices When SupportingSomeone Who is Not AngryWith Me

Mentally sort facts from opinions. Listen for feelings, needs, values, beliefs, and

expectations. Consider the emotional health of the other person. Consider the degree of relational health between the

people involved. Decide potential benefits of verbalizing these

observations. Affirm successes, intentions, and potentials. Explore and confront inaccuracies, unfairness,

unhealthy trigger thoughts, and distortions.

Methodically explore options. Help person determine goals, intentions, willingness

to let go, forgive, negotiate, and apologize. Teach the person about their own anger, choices

and the “ACEing” process. Invite the person to role-play ways to apply

information and principles.

Choices When SupportingSomeone Who is Not AngryWith Me

Execute (Engage or Employ)

The choice often dictates the execution of thatchoice.

By becoming more aware of trigger thoughts andunderlying distortions, we can make choices aroundcreating healthier more accurate coping thoughts.

We can then execute those thoughts by replacingunhealthy thoughts with newer, healthier thoughtsthat in turn impact our feelings and how our brainfunctions.

We can choose and execute relaxation techniques. We can choose to focus on creative approaches by

using problem solving techniques.

Execute (Engage or Employ)

We can take healthy escape routes from physical oremotional danger.

We can promote self-confidence. We can seek new explanations. We can find more ways to see the picture. We can appreciate that others have their own

values, beliefs, intentions, abilities and maturitylevels.

We can learn to express our needs in non-attackingways.

We can soften inflammatory language.

Execute (Engage or Employ)

We can lower our voices, be peaceful and non-threatening in our body language.

We can listen to and respect the other person. We can agree to disagree. We can use factual, descriptive language to tell our

story. We can decide to review and analyze the process.

Clear Communication

Healthy communication involves being aware of thepower of language, the importance and impact ofmore descriptive, specific and tentative language.

A skilled communicator is fluid in listening andaffirming, in sending I-Messages and knowing whenand how to apply boundaries and discipline.

They know how to teach, share and creativelyexplore problems.

They avoid forms of toxic communication.

How to Use “ACE”

Educators have the opportunity to use ACE as ameans of incorporating core principles of effectiveanger management.

ACEing helps intentionally preserve personalintegrity.

Three goals to keep in mind:

~ Maintain physical and emotional safety of all involved.~ Promote calm, clear thinking.~ Reduce or eliminate unhealthy raging.

“Think About”

– Become “Students of Anger”– Use real-life experiences and observations as opportunities to

apply concepts, principles and skills and to note how theycontribute to emotional and relational health

– Employ ways to effectively manage outward behaviors– Consider ways to directly or indirectly present the information to

adults or children including:• the three styles of expressing anger• the Personal Survey Questions• awareness of outward expression of anger for yourself and others• the skill of “ACE” in response to anger

Educators are encouraged to:

Recommended Reading

Kids Are Worth It. Barbara Coloroso, 2002. Journal of Family Issues. SAGE Publications, 2006, Volume 27,

Number 2, “Exposure to Interparental Conflict and PsychologicalDisorder Among Young Adults.” Heather A. Turner, University of NewHampshire, haturner@cisunix.unh.edu, Kathleen Kopiec, pp. 131-158.

The Anger Control Workbook. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and PeterRogers, Ph.D., 2003.

The Anger Management Sourcebook. Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D.,Melissa Hallmark Kerr, Ph.D., 2002.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen R. Covey,2004.