Ethics, One Day at a TimeRabbi Joseph Telushkin

Synagogue for the Performing Arts

JOSEPH TELUSHKLN, named one ofthe 50 best speakers in the United Statesby Talk Magazine, is also the author orco-autlior of seven influential books aboutthe history, beliefs, ethics, culture, and religious practices ofJudaism. BiblicalLiteracy: Tlje Most Important People, Events andIdeas oftlxHebrew Bible waschosen as a Book-of-the-Month Gub selection. Words that Hurt, Woids that Heal,profiled in the January 1996 edition oHmprimis, inspired two U.S. Senators to call

&T ^"National Speak No Evil Day." His novel, An Eyefor an Eye, became the basisof four episodes of the Emmy Award-winning ABC TV series, The Practice, and hehas co-written tliree additional episodes ofthe program. He also has written anepisode of Touclxd by anAngel thtu is scheduled to air this month. Rabbi Telushkin

I co-author and associate producer of the 1991 film. Tlx Quarrel, anI '̂ F'. American Playhouse production named the winner of the S.inta Barbara Film Festival.I Rabbi Telushkin was ordained lU Yeshiva University in New York and pursuedH gradutue studies in Jewish history at Columbia University. He lectures tiirougliout tlie

United States andserves as an associate of theNational Jewish Center for Learningand Leadership and asspiritual leader ofthe Synt^ogue for the Performing Arts.

Thefollowing remarks arebased ona lecture given by Rabbi Telushkin at HillsdaleCollege's Centerfor ConstmctiveAlternativesseminar, "Athens, Rome, andJerusalem: TheWestern Legacyfrom the Ancient World," onNovember 15, 1999- Rabbi Telushkin basedhis address on his latest book. The Book ofJewish Values: ADay-by-Day Guide to EthicalLiving, being released this month by BellTower.When historians look back at the

United States in thetwentieth century,they probably will view the centuryas having been dotninated by macro

events, events that affected large numbers ofpeople and that required tlie responses of equallylarge numbers. Their focus likely will be on occurrences such as World War I, the Great Depressionofthe1930s, World War II and the resulting mobilization of millions ofsoldiersand an entire economy to defeat the Nazi peril, and the decades-long

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Cold War that ended only with the 1991 collapseof the Soviet Union. And, of course, there weremacro transfonnations and battles within oursociety, most notably, the civil rights movement,which began with demands for an end to segregation and ultimately led to an extraordinaryincrease inparticipation by people of color in allaspects of American life. In turn, that movementhelped lay the groundwork for the enormouslyincreased participation by women in all facets ofAmerican society.

I believe, however, that the 21st century likelywill be dominated more by micro issues thanmacro ones. If the 20th century was largelydevoted to answering the question, "How can wesurvive?" (for without a winning strategy, Ntizismand Communism would have overwhelmed us),the coming yeais will be devoted to answering thequestion, "What makes our survival worthwhile?"

Iwould like to suggest that what we most neednowis to articulate a vision for the future, one thatcan belived outoneday at a time.

IMPRIMIS'

Central to this vision is the need for each of usto develop what I like to call "moral imagination."By this, Imean the ability fully to think throughthe implications of our actions, particularly as tohow they will affect others. Over the past century,society has made extraoi-dinary technologicaladvances because of the active imaginations of ourscientists and researches, but we have been slowerto advance morally because of a general unwillingness to practice imagination in the moralsphere. So let me start now by offering two examples; one, of the harm that can ensue when werefuse to exercise moral imagination; the other, ofthe great good that can come about when we doemploy it.

The fist involves the late Lee Atwater, tlie brilliant but highly aggressive campaign managerwho directed George Bush's successful 1988 presidential bid. In 1980 Atwater was managing a congressional election campaign in South Carolina,during which his campaign released informationthat the Democratic candidate in the race, TomHimispeed, had yeas earlier suffered an episodeof depression for which he had received electricshock treatment.

Himispeed was mortified and outraged. Noneof us appreciates having his or her medical historymade public, and particularly not our psychiatrichistory.' He responded with an anguished attack onhis opponent's campaign ethics. When Atwater wasasked to respond to Hirnispeed's attack, heansvvered that he had no intention of respondingto charges made by a peson "hooked up to ajumper cable."

What agrotesque violation of privacy and whata shameful humiliation ofanother! Atwater's cruelwords put into the voters' heads avicious, graphicimage that potentially poisoned not only tlieir per-(^ptions of Himispe^, but also of everyone elsewho had undergone electric shock therapy.

This story, however, has a postscript. Ten yearslater Atwater was in a hospital bed dying of aninoperable brain tumor. In the last weeks of hislife, while he was lying in a room connected to all

J

sorts of uncomfortable and invasive machines, hewrote a letter to Himispeed begging his forgiveness. I am convinced this was no phony deatlibedrepentance. Finding himself in this horrible circumstance, Atwater finally realized the enormouscmelty he had committed and fully regretted it.

Had Atwater had the moral imaginationto realize in 1980 what he realized in 1990, henever would have released information aboutHimispeed's treatment or mocked his experience.Indeed, moral imagination involves "repenting'ofevil acts before we commit them, by wieldingour imagination in such a manner that we actrightly towards others even when we don't have theexperience or knowledge to be fully empathetic.

Consider tlie case of Rabbi Shlomo ZalmanAuerbach, a leading rabbinic scholar in Jerusalemwho was known as much for his warm heart as forhis powerful intellect. One day, the concemed parents of a retarded boy asked him to consult on thechoice of an institution for their son. They wereconsidering two altemative facilities, each havingcertain advantages. The rabbi listened carefully totheir description and then asked, "Where is theboy? What does he say about all this?"

The parents looked at each other, abashed.Clearly, it had never entered their minds to discussthe matter with their son. Outraged, the rabbi criedout, "You are committing asin against the soul ofthis child! You intend to evict him from his homeand consign him to a strange place with a regimented atmosphere. He must be encouraged andnot be allowed to feel that he is being betrayed."

Rabbi Auerbach instructed the parents to bringthe boy to him. They hurriedly went home andsoon retumed with the child. "What is yourname?" the rabbi asked him.

"Akiva," he replied."How do you do, Akiva?" he asked. Then Rabbi

Auerbach, who was known for his exceptionalhumility, said something very unexpected. "Myname isShlomo Zalman Auerbach. I amthegreatest Torah authority of this generation, and everyone listens to me. You are going to enter aspecial

grow up associating being praised and loved withthe performance of ethical acts are apt to likethemselves most when they're doing good. Think

about that for a moment-anagi03" generation of people who most

like themselves when they'redoing good. What aworld they

I Ot would create!

school now, and I would like you to represent meand look after all ofthe religious matters inyournew home." As the boy's eyes remained riveted onthe rabbi's face, he said, "I rnnralshall now give you rabbinical • • .nriordiordination. This will make you t iOn iRVCa rabbi, and I wantyou to usethis honor wisely." ^

This story is an example of evil aCtSmoral imagination par excel- rnmmit 1lence. Had the boy been sent _away in the manner his par- wi610IRQents were planning, he would jrnan iRA"have felt rejected and betrayed. ^Instead, because of Rabbi SUCR 3 ITAuerbach's ability to under- that Westand what theboy most need- ,ed, he went to his new home tOWaruSwith asense of pride and pur- 0V6R wi"pose. How could he not have . '+ h -such asense? After all, he was uOR t Rcthe representative of the great- experietest rabbi of his age. Uni^xA/loi'

I would like to lay out for Knowicvyour consideration seven days fully amof moral imagination, aweek-long curriculum of good deeds that can transformand elevate your life and the lives of all thosearound you, one day ata time.

.. .moral imagiRa-tioR iRvolves"repeRtiRg" ofevil acts before wecommit them, bywieldlRg ourImagiRatioR Irsuch a maRRer

that we act rightlytowards others

eveR wheR wedoR't have theexperieRce orkRowledge to befully empathetic.

Day 2 - MondayYoii Hear

a Siren

Rer HOW DO you react when.1.1 you're talking with a friend

. ngRXiy and your conversation is sud-1e rS denly interrupted by the pierc-

ing wail of an ambulancesiren? Do you feel pure sympa-

the thy for the person inside-orQ- about to be picked up by-the

ambulance, or do you feelto be some measure of annoyance?

thetic Similarly, how do you reactwhen you're awakened from a

deep sleep by aseries of clanging fire trucks or thewail ofa police car?

I am embarrassed to admit that, along withmany others, my initial reaction to such noisesoften is impatience and annoyance rather thanempathy. My friend, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, suggests that whenever we hear thesound of a passing ambulance, we accustom ourselves to offering a prayer that the ambulancearrive in time. Similarly whenever our sense ofcalm is interrupted by fire trucks, we should pray toGod that the trucks arrive in time to save theendangered people and home and that no firefighter be injured. And when we hear police sirens,we should implore God that the police respond intimeto the emergency.

I find this suggestion profound. By accustoming ourselves to uttering a prayer at the verymoment we feel unjustly annoyed, we become better and more loving people. The very act of prayingmotivates us to empathize with those who are suffering and in need of our prayers. Furthermore,imagine how encouraging it would be for thosebeing rushed to ahospital to know that hundredsof people who hear the ambulance sirens are praying for their recovery.

Speaking not long ago in Baltimore, I sharedthis suggestion. After my talk, several people commented on how moved they were by this idea, but

Day 1 - SundayRaising Your Children to Love BothThemselves and Others

MANY PARENTS resells l^eir highest praise fordieir children's intellectual and athletic accomplishments. Thus, for example, they complimentthe child most effusively when he achieves intellectual distinction ("I'm particularly proud of howsmart you are") and, when speaking to others, it isthis aspect of their child that they praise ("Scott'sso intelligent; it's just amazing").

What sort of self-image does a child developwho is not intellectually or athletically gifted,whose parents cannot go around bragging,"Scott's so intelligent; it's just amazing"?Furthermore, is it healthy for children who arevery smart or athletic to come to believe that thesetalents and abilities are truly what's most important about them?

Hence, a simple suggestion, one that has thecapacity to make both your children and the worldhappier and kinder: Reserve your highest praise toyour children for when they perform kind deeds.That way, they will learn to identify having highself-regaid with being agood person. Children who

Imprimis

one woman seemed particularly emotional whenshe spoke of the suggestion. When she was ten, shetold me, she had been awakened from adeep sleepby passing fire trucks. It was almost one in themorning, and now, twent\'-five years later, she stillremembered her first response: It was so unfairtliat her sleep had been ruined!

The next morning she learned that her closestfriend, agirl who lived only afew blocks away, haddied in the fire. Ever since, she told me, whenevershe hears fire trucks go by, she prays that theyarrive at their destination in time.

Loving one's neighbor is usually carried outthrough tangible acts, by giving money or food totliose in need, by stepping in and offering assistance to a neighbor who is ill, orby bringing guestsinto one's home. But sometimes, loving ourneighbor is expressed through aprayer, one tliat attaches us to our "neighbor" even when we have no wayof knowing just who our neighbor is.

Day 3 - TuesdayActing Cheerfully Is Not a Choice

RABBI SHAMMAI, who lived some two thousandyears ago, taught: "Receive all people with acheerful expression."

But what do these words mean-that you'reexpected to receive someone cheerfully when youyourself are in a bad mood? The answer is, yes.(Obviously, in the rare instance when you'reunhappy because of something awful happeningin your life, you're not expected to walk aroundwith a phony smile.) The fact that you're feelingunhappy does not entitle you to inflict your badmood on others.

True, at any given moment you might beunable to control what you're feeling, but thatdoesn't mean that you can't control how youexpress yourself. And just as you would prefer to begreeted by someone in a cheerful, pleasant manner, so should you greet others.

I remember once reading of a rabbi who wasinformed by a student that he had becomeengaged. Joyous as the news was, the student transmitted this information with a most serious andgrave expression on his face, /^ter congratulatingtlie young man, the rabbi instructed him to practice standing in front of a mirror and smiling,"because if you speak to your fiancee with thesame expression on your face with which youspoke to me, she will worry that you are upsetwith her."

The rabbi intuited an important, and seldommentioned, point. Cheerlessness and moodinessare notvictimless "crimes." Those who are arounda moody person often feel that tliey are somehow

responsible for his or her unhappiness. While suchindividuals might deny that they are responsible foranyone else feeling unhappy, they know in theirhearts that it's unpleasant to be with a depressedperson. Thai's why most depressed people, like mostupbeat ones, prefer to be around cheerful people.

The rabbi's admonition to the young manreminds us that Shammai's exhortation to receivepeople cheerfully shouldn't be restricted toacquaintances and people we meet in tlie street; It'sparticularly important that we practice suchbehavior in our homes. I once heard a middle-aged man describe how his father's eyes lit upwhen his older brother walked into the room, butnever when he himself did. Years of living in ahome where he seldom experienced his father's"cheerful expression" left this man feelingunloved and unworthy of being loved.

Dennis Prager, tlie author of Happiness Is aSerious Problem, likes to say, "We have a moralobligation to act as cheerfully and happily as wecan." Atalmudic passage reinforces this andShammai's teaching by quoting an ancient Jewishproverb: "The man who shows his teeth to hisfriend ina smile is better tlian one who gives himmilk to drink" (Babylonian Talmud, Ketubotnib). Smiles, too, this text reminds us, are apowerful form of nourishment.

Note: Some people's moodiness is due to chemicaland hormonal imbalances andso is beyond tlieircontrol. I believe that such people have a moralobligation to those around them to seek out tliepsychological and drug treatments that can redressthese imbalances.

Day 4 - Wednesday"What Good Thing Happened to MeThis Weekr

SOME YEARS ago, Iattended aservice conducted by my friend, Rabbi Leonid Feldman of PalmBeach, Florida. Before itbegan, he asked ifanyonein the congregation had good news that hadoccurred over the preceding week which he or shewished to share with others. People stood up andannounced engagements, anniversaries, the firstwords spoken by a child or grandchild, a book'spublication, avisit by a family member or friendwhom they hadn't seen in many years, the completion of adegree, and more.

I was moved. The question, "What good thinghappened to you this week?" motivated people toremember the good things that were going on intheir lives, and not just their problems.

My wife decided to bring this ritual into ourhome. At the beginning of each Friday night

Day 6 - FridayAn Expensive TechniqueforOvercomingAnger

Sabbath meal, she asks family members andguests to share something good ormemorable thathappened to tliem during the week.

Usually, everyone, even those who have had difficult weefe, can think ofat least one pleasurablemoment that occurred. In

the rare instance someone r\-f n il-cannot summon up even rait OT C.UIone positive recollection, virtUOUS Cl"family members or friends loarninn trgenerally remember some- ything good tliat the other appreciaticperson has forgotten. whom We

Even during hardtimes, we all have experi- Attar all, fences or interactions for sbout 6XDIwhich we are grateful. It's ^important to focus on these tud6 tO tiiihappy memories even-per- \j\jq nGVSr *haps particularly-during , ,haUimes. has bestov

How fitting, therefore, to the QTGatGstart today by asking andanswering the question my friend posed before hiscongregation: "What good thing h^pened to youthisvreek?"

Day 5 - ThursdayTipping Even Those Whose Faces YouDon't See

TIPPING IS a social convention that has asmuch to do with cowardice as with good service.Altliough 1 tip generously those who have beenunusually helpful orpleasant, I rarely withhold atip from one who has been a bitrude orpainfullyslow inproviding service.

On the other hand, there's one individualwhom most people ignore, even when the service isexemplary: the housekeeper who cleans their hotelroom. We don't ignore a taxi driver, the bellmanwho takes our bags, or a waiter, because we seethese people's faces, However, altliough the housekeeper does us a service, we rarely see her face orinteract with her, and so most of us don't leave atip. And even ifyou don't believe a tip is required,shouldn't you at least leave a note expressingthanks to her for the service she has provided?

Part of cultivating a virtuous character isleaming to express appreciation tothose whom wedon't see. After all, prayer isabout expressing gratitudeto the One whom we never see, but who hasbestowed on us the greatest gift: life. Tipping ahousekeeper is about expressing gratitude to onewitli whom we rarely, ornever, come into personalcontact but who has bestowed on us a lesser, butstill much-appreciated, gift: a clean room.

Part of cultivating avirtuous character is

learning to expressappreciation to thosewhom we don't see.

After all, prayer isabout expressing gratitude to the One whom

we never see, but whohas bestowed on us

the greatest gift: life.

I KNOW avery wealtliy man who became religiouslate in life. He had aquick

ating a temper and cursed a lot,"acter is seemed inconsis

tent with his otherwiseXpreSS pious behavior. Arabbito those who had helped influence.-fj. the man to become reli-;ri Lsee. gioug explained to me:yer is "He's trying to cut down•cinn nrati cursing, so we've.siny yi dLi- ^

Dne whom he curses, he fines himself; but who donates' the money to different

• on US charities. So far, he's

qift: life. donated tens of thousands" ' ' of dollars."

This incident hrq)penedmore than fifteen years ago, and I've fallen outoftouch with theman. I don'tknow if the$180 fineshelped cause him to curb his cursing, but1suspectthey did.

If they didn't, perhaps $180 was aninsufficientdisincentive to stop this man from engaging inwhat had become adeeply ingrained habif, But thetechnique is an old and a sound one.

A medieval moralistic Jewish text. TheBeginning of Wisdom, suggests a similar teaching to those who can't seem to control their angen

Decide onasum ofmoney that you wllgive awayifyou allow yourself to be angered. Be sure thatthe amount you designate is sufficient to forceyou to think twice before you lose your temper.

Ifyou're making aneffort to control your temper, do this: Over the next week ormonth, donateto charity the sum of (fill in the amount) everytime you express anger that is disproportionate totheprovocation.

As Tl)e Beginning of Wisdom notes, the sumhas to be enough to inhibit you and also should beover andabove the amount ofcharity you'd otherwise give; in other words, itacts as a fine.

Ifthis technique doesn't work, try this: Give thecharity toa cause you otheivvise wouldn't support.Ifyou're a liberal Democrat, designate the charityfor a conservative cause; if you're a rock-ribbedconservative, to a liberal one. You might not behappy to send your money to a cause ofwhich you

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immense amusement, my six-year-old raised herhand, and the four-year-old, seeing her sister'shand go up, did aswell.

Later, when I spoke to my older daiigliter, sheexplained tliat I often snappd at her when I wasteaching her to read. 1apologized for doing so ("It'swrong of me to do that. I'm reallysorry. I'iltrynoltodo that in tlie future, and I hoije you can forgiveme"). I then told her lliatin diefuture, if1becameimpatient, she should say to me, "Diiddy, you're notsupposed to get angiy." Providing her with a statement tomake insuch asituation empowered her.

To do orsay something unfair toyour child iswrong, but invariably we all say unfair things tothe people with whom we live. That iswhy learninghow to apologize to your children isimportant.And please don't wait for llie New Year or someother such occasion toseek forgiveness. There arepeople who do so and who then collapse their

apologies into one general statement: "I'm sorryfor anything Idid that liurt you." Thai's not goodenough. You need to apologize as soon i\s youbecome aware of the unfair hurt you've inflicted,and you need tomake your apology specific ("I'msorry that 1screamed atyou last night in front ofyour friends").

In the final analysis, the members of yourhousehold are the people who know best whetherornot you're a mensch. And, as my exiierience inthese workshops has shown me, of one thing youcanbe sure: Thirty years from now, children whogrew up inhouseholds inwhich their parents knewhow to say, "I'msoriy," will feel much belter aboutthemselves and aboutyou.

And may 1wish you a week, a month, and ayearof nioral imagination. A

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