Lindsey Ellison Become a fan

Divorce and breakup coach, founder of Start Over. Find

Happiness.

Posted: 12/02/2014 12:44 pm EST Updated: 02/01/2015 5:59 am EST

When Divorcing a Narcissist, Prepare for the Rage

When you first met your narcissist, you probably once viewed him as a majesty who could give you the keys to his fairytale kingdom. His

charm, wit and charismatic personality won you over, because you so badly craved a prince charming to save you. Conversely, your

needing a prince charming is exactly what attracted him to you, as it gave him the opportunity to validate his narcissistic fantasies of

himself, that he is, indeed, a fairytale prince.

But now that you're married, your prince charming has turned into a monster, and his once magical kingdom is now your inescapable

cage.

Two things may happen: You will stay in the marriage and endure many more years of abuse, to the point where your low self-esteem

tells you there are no other options. Or, you will have had enough and decide to divorce him.

The latter (in which you divorce him) may be the first time in your life where you are setting boundaries. You have come to the

conclusion that you deserve better and you refuse to tolerate bad behavior.

But this one victorious act of boundary setting is what makes for a potentially horrific divorce. Few victims are prepared for it, and their

lack of preparation can cost them thousands of dollars in attorney fees, leaving them broke and emotionally drained.

To divorce your narcissist, you must prepare well beyond your average divorce between two people with irreconcilable differences. You

must get inside his head, and understand what triggers him.

Narcissists, according to Ross Rosenberg, author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, have a huge

fear of abandonment. So the very essence of divorce triggers his deepest fear, giving way to narcissistic injury, which is a perceived threat

to his self-worth. Once the injury occurs, narcissistic rage then ensues, which is then excreted into the entire divorce process.

"All of their rage, hatred and contempt, which was perpetrated on them in their childhood, is projected onto the person who is fighting

against them," Rosenberg said.

During divorce, when you set boundaries and figuratively say, 'No, you can't do that,' the narcissist experiences a windfall of rage

and hatred that goes far beyond anything they've experienced. They're fighting more than you can actually see.

When you first express to your narcissist your desire for a divorce, he may first appear cooperative. He may suggest marriage counseling

(despite years of you begging for it), but because it's his idea, he agrees that it might help. He may calmly discuss separation, allowing

you to call the shots and make suggestions on new living arrangements. But his friendly candor is all just a ploy to keep you within his

reign, hoping that your guilt and your silly "momentary lapse of reason" will make you back out.

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysisfrom HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Michael E. Mann Stanley Fish

Bill de Blasio Bernard-Henri Lévy

HOT ON THE BLOG

September 14, 2015

iOS app Android app More Desktop Alerts Log in Create Account

When Divorcing a Narcissist, Prepare for the Rage | Lindsey Ellison http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-ellison/how-to-divorce-a-narcis...

1 of 2 2015/09/14 02:41 PM

Advertise Log In Make HuffPost Your Home Page RSS Careers FAQ

User Agreement Privacy Comment Policy About Us About Our Ads Contact Us

Archive

Copyright ©2015 TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. "The Huffington Post" is a registered trademark of TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. All rights reserved. 2015©

Part of AOL Family

MORE:

But if you press on and file for divorce, it's game on. He will make you "pay."

So before you hit the "go" button, be sure to:

1) Find an attorney who is NOT a narcissist: How can you tell? Narcissists have little empathy for people who are victimized,

especially in a marriage. If your attorney seems apathetic to your issues, and you find them defending your spouse more than supporting

you, that's a red flag that they will ultimately find you pathetic and fight little on your behalf.

2) Set up your own bank account: If you don't have one already, create an account that has enough money that can pay for attorney

fees and other divorce expenses. When the divorce process begins, be prepared for your narcissist to move money, and claim there is

none to give you.

3) Become your own forensic analyst: Get copies of past bank statements, capture every bank account number you have, get copies

of past tax returns (you can easily get these online), investigate your shared computer records including spread sheets, online

transactions, etc.

4) Define what "winning" is to you: fighting over assets in divorce can be an uphill battle that is never won. But as Rosenberg puts

it,

To win, is to get out of the divorce alive. A narcissist can be willing to go completely bankrupt just to destroy someone. Objectively

look at the disorder, outside of your emotions, and then come to a conclusion, what can you actually win?

If you remember the focal point of his narcissistic injury -- his fear of abandonment and threat to his self-worth -- you will be

well-prepared for the battle ahead. The key is to not respond emotionally and let it drain you. "Observe, don't absorb," advises

Rosenberg, which means to observe their behavior as a disorder, and don't absorb it as a literal or personal attack on you.

If you mitigate for his drawn-out narcissistic rage, and know that he may attempt to destroy you, you will less likely feel bullied or

defeated. "If you're forewarned," says Rosenberg, "like a hurricane ready to create disaster, you will be less victimized by something you

expect."

***

Lindsey Ellison is a women's divorce coach, who specializes in helping women break free from their narcissistic partners. While this

article is written about women divorcing their narcissist, it is not meant to exclude the female gender from being a narcissist. For

readability, one pronoun is used, but this entire article can be applied to the opposite gender as well.

This article is part two of a two-part article on divorcing a narcissist (the first article can be found here.)

For more information on divorcing or breaking free from a narcissist, click here.

Follow Lindsey Ellison on Twitter: www.twitter.com/inspireddivorce

Divorcing a Narcissist Marriage Problems Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Huffington Post Search

When Divorcing a Narcissist, Prepare for the Rage | Lindsey Ellison http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-ellison/how-to-divorce-a-narcis...

2 of 2 2015/09/14 02:41 PM