whatmen?!

WhatThe--?!

Why, I ough�a...!

That must have

hurt.

Man.

NUTSACK'S LOG. Earlier tonight. Before now.

Dead as a rubber chicken who didn't cross the road.

I'm a vigilante for Cripe's sake!

is it hot in here, Or is it me?

Or does he?

A guy walks into a bar.

Killed.

Murdered.

My city.

Here. in the city.

Her asphalt is in my veins. Her saliva is my blood.

I patrol these streets.

Not so much.

The earth?

Can we get back to the story?!

Okay now this is just annoying.

We'll never know.

Because a stand-up died tonight.

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1OF32

What the He� was I thinking?!

I don'thave tothink.

Ialreadyknow.

Showercurtain.

Skidmarks.

Let me walk you through it...

"P�r sap was showering.

"Singing to himself.

"Pete S�ger. Maybe Chapin.

”it's why I only use a body wash.

"His whole life flashes before his eyes.

"He hits the bathr�m tiles

at 28 mph.

"A�elerating as he

car�ns acro� the

fl�r.

"impact. "This comedian takes a final

bow.

"Ten flights, straight down."

"He drops the

soap...

"...then the soap drops him.

They leave...

What do you think ha�ened

here?

That was an easy

one.

Chinese?My treat.

Whatmen 1for scott Dunbier

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2OF32

CALL MYAGENT!

TMi!

A shadow in the night.

Ooo.

Note to self: Use elevator next time!

ouch.

...I arrive.

urm.


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3OF32

Awesome...!

The honor was a� mine,

Ho�and.

Could that have B�N any

more boring?

But I gue� I owe it to him.

Eh?Someone

ki�ed the Stand-up

tonight.

P�t.

Later. Across town...

Note to self: My mask blows!

My town.My lady town.

Owl watching with my protege.

What a joy, Don.

I heard on the news.

The police said it was an

a�ident.

Someone is {urm!}

�oft! ki�ing super

heroes.

Maybe you're safe.

...you're just a fan-boy who grew up to dre� like

a hero.

You're not a hero...


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4OF32

You think someone is trying

to ki� the Whatmen?

One at a time,

yes.

the news said he sli�ed

on a bar of soap.

Nutsack?

O M I N O U SFORESHADOWING

You could always take the--

Again with the

soap.

You're the smartest

man in the world, O�y.

What does your gut te�

you?

Idon't have

people.

Don'tca� me.

Note to self: Elevator.

I'� have my people l�k

into it.

Then I'� have

my people ca� your

people.

And then they'� leave

word.


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5OF32

Joh�y, he cr�ps me out. Do you

mind?

Sincewhen

G�dnight--

--Gracie?

tic!

Do you wearclothes?!

your boyfriend is

a sixt�n f�t ta� omni-potent nudist and I give you the

cr�ps?!

M�P!

G�d evening, Nutsack.

You heard the lady. Say "g�d night,"

Gracie.

I'm afraid you caught

us doing our laundry.

Later, at the army base/lab of Doc NYC...

...where he lives with his paramour, Silkie Drawers.

Hate teleporters. Deep hatred.

He�o,Don?

it's b�n forever. Hold on.

Enough,Joh�y.

He�o,Don.

it's b�nforever.

Wh�ps.So�y.


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6OF32

Yeah. No costumes.

Do I ever.

Did you say...Omnipotent?

Don't be nervous. You

and I are just two friends m�ting for

di�er.

Can I te� you... I've

never b�n on a date

before.

S-so what is the di�erence?

Betw�n di�er and…

a date?

C'mere, H�ty.

I'� show you.

HA HA HA! I'm serious.

What am I doing here?!In a spoof book?!For IDW?! Someone call my agent!

--Nutsack

I could eat there if I wanted.

They meet at a nice restaurant.

iF I wanted.

Do you have any idea what it's like

dating an omnipotent

super-human?

This was su�osed to be no

costumes, huh?

PH�AHA HA HA!

Oh god, I'm so�y. That isn't

fu�y.Ha Ha HaHa ha!


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7OF32

L�k at you. My li�le girl,

a� growed up.

O�h, flowers. Big

spender!

Where'sJoh�y?

He's at a funereal.

I THOUGHT this would be

more fun.

AnyoneI know?

E�ep!

I thought you were in

New York!

The vigilante known as Stand-Up.

I am!

That went we�.

I think your mom likes me.

"I just wanted to

reveal, sandy--

"--not only were you and stand-up both heroes in the same team...

"...you were also lovers.

Dysfunctional yes.

"You shared the same sense of

humor.

“Your i�icit a�air resulted in the

birth of lil' June.

“A fact that was never revealed to her

until right now.”

The home of Sandy Uranus.

So�y, we've got thr� hundred

pages to sp�f.

No time for subplots!

JOE MAMMA’SNURSINGHOME


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9OF32

ABSOLUTE FRIENDS

Okay, that's it.

Nice picture folks.

Who ca�ed this

m�ting?

Weren't me.Last thing I'd do is join any

team that would have me as a member.

Nutsack's journal. it's really

hard to write in the rain.

Once, we were heroes.

Nutsack.

Hooty The Owl.

Ozzy Mandious.

Doc NYC.

You know everyone else.

it wasn't always like this.

Four middle aged men and a dead guy.


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10OF32

Alone, we're great

at what we do.

imagine what we could a�omplish by

working together.

We could change the

world.

Pa�.

You want to solve the

planet's problems?

Blow it up

and start over.

I'mou�ie.

Who's with me?

Me. Who?

brb

Blow it up... and start over?

What are you thinking? Plan B.

Me.

Here's the punchline,

kids.

The world sucks.

The end.

it was me.

Primo wieners.


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11OF32

Jerk!

How am I su�osed to se� it

now?!

Taxi!

"...he stru�les to return home...

"only to wind up destroying everything he holds dear in the proce�. "Sad."

This comic is awesome.

So buy italready.

This ain't no library,

kid.

This pirate story serves as an a�egory for a

man who causes more damage than he

means to.

A castaway...

No time for subplots.

Who are you?!

"Who are

you?!"

I wanted to take a

moment and save you a few

hours of your life.


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12OF32

Mur�, Joh�y? Don't

you have the TV interview? is

it s�n?

ph�

That is hot when you do the thing

with the whatever.

Uh...

it is sick.

it is disgusting.

No. We have plenty

of time.

Oh,So�y.

You want us to

stop?

S�n.

�� Joh�y, what is

wrong with you?!

Don't you understand

this is wrong?

I didn't say stop.

I just said it was disgusting.


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13OF32

Did he say why?

I told him I wasn't in love with

him any more.

Then what did you say?

I said G�d-bye

Joh�y, I'm in love with

Don.

I get it.

But Joh�ykind of does this... thing. I've go�en

used to it.

Are westi� going

to jail?

Anything! I love youse two!

Later on that evening...

DOC NYCLEAVES EARTH!

So, your um... boyfriend left

that planet?

Right?

But before I could--

But before I could, he told

me I was going to te� him I didn't

love him any more.

is this crazy, June? Can a ho�ie like you

ever love an overweight overgrown fan-boy

like me?I

couldtry.


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14OF32

With absolute friends like these, who needs enemies?

-- Tony Soprano

Come out,Nutsack! Actua�y?

Yeah.

You're wanted for the murder of a retired

super-vi�ain!

You're under a�est.

You have the

right

To remain silent.

H�.

urnph

He was dead when I got

here!

I only sla�ed

him around.

There's no law against that--isthere?

Do you sme�...

gas?

More like e�s.

in retrospect--

--I could have pla�ed that a li�le

be�er.


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15OF32

WATCHMAKER, WATCHMAKER,MAKE ME A WATCH!

Ch�se!

I am the most powerful entity on the planet.

On any planet

I am on.

Time means

nothing to me.

People mean

nothing to me.

Hygiene means nothing to me.

I live in the here and the then.

I co�ect my mistakes before I make them.

I erase the future and start over.

When I n�d to be alone I come here.

A place devoid of a� inte�igent

life.

The planet Earth is on the eve of a great crisis of unimaginable

pain and su�ering.

And, like, I tota�y don't

even care.

WELCOME TO CRAWFORD,

TEXAS!


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17OF32

Gosh, that never ha�ens?!

I'm not understanding

any of this!

Once I was a man.

is anyone else

as bored as I am?

{Sigh}

it wasn't always

this way.

Once I was a man.

A humble watchmaker.

Until a scientific

experiment went awry!

it only hurt when I did this.

For months I was great at parties. Then I

went to Viet

Nam.

Right?

I won the war

for Nixon.

He's sti� the President.

I can do anything be�er than you.

S�?


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18OF32

This is an inkblot.

You wantserious?

Five years ago...

"...I went looking for a missing girl..."

it's going to help me know what you know.

L�k at it and te� me what you

s�?

A cutepu�y.

Ge�ing ra�ed by a ro�ed up newspaper.

Ha ha. G�d one.

But I can't help you if

you k�p joking.


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19OF32

WhatThe--?!

What--

Mithter?

{glugglug}

--girl?!

��GH! yii�gh!

Wh�ps. Right?

tugtug

I watched it burn for an hour.

Until...

You ki�ed the girl.

Now you're dead.

Have you th�n my father

around here?


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20OF32

Watchmaker, Watchmaker, make me a watch!

-- Tevye

Juneand me!

I think“june and I” is

co�ect!

You'� help me

find the hero murderer?

I'm so turned

on by this prison break--

--I have a few ideas

of my own.

Um.

Ca�me!

Don't wait up!

�ylGot aminute?

Nutsack! it's me, H�ty! June and

I are here to break you out!

Grab the rope!

Promise!

I have a few ideas about who ki�ed the

stand-up, had me imprisoned, and sent Joh�y

away.


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21OF32

KINDA LOST, REALLY

He�!

I can s� my house from here.

Gotch'ernose!

What do you

think of my new

pad?

Sti� he can't

figure out why I don't want to date

him any more.

I am nothuman.

�H�U��R

Justki�ing. Here's

your air!

But, Joh�y--we have to go

back. Something te�ible is going

to ha�en, I can f�l it.

Only if you consider the death

of thr� mi�ion people te�ible.

Whatthe--?!

You know what is going to ha�en and you won't do anything to

stop it?!

Th-that's inhuman.

This whole cosmic self awarene� thing can get

pre�y depre�ing.

I am just a sp�f of

a comic character based on an iconic

comic character based on a low rent knock o� of another comic character.


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23OF32

Why are we here

again?

D-d’oh!

Because a� the evidence we gathered o�

panel points to O�y.

I thought you said you

knew where his Fortre� of

Solitaire was.

B-b�r

L-let me s-s�

that.

brapp

brapp

G-g�r. You were h-holding it u-upside

down.

I d-do. I Mapquested

it!


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24OF32

?!

I just want to catch the

weather report. Then we can go m�t our

guests.

it's a� right,

girl...

H�m. Snow. Again.

Rr

S�h....b-but couldn't you have g-go�en us a l-li�le

closer?

shush

Oh. So�y. Distance has no

meaning for one who can traverse the world betw�n

panels.

L-later... While you were frozen I t�k the

liberty of teleporting us a� acro� the

globe to O�y's secret lair.

Th-thank's, Joh�y...


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25OF32

Ma�ers. Ow!

You can not stop my master

plan!

K�uh

...starving...

Oh.So�y.

Make yourselves

at home.

Was just... reaching... for di�er

ro�.

I knew you were going to

do that!

But it sti�burns!


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26OF32

You're alreadyt� late.

Do you think we're

just going to stand here and do nothing to

stop you?!

lurm!

Didn't s�

THAT one coming!

Ha ha!

As the world's smartest man

I decided the best way to get the world to stop destroying

itself was to destroy part of it and blame

it on an alien race so that we a� work together for the

co�on g�d.

hahahahahahaWhatmen 1for scott Dunbier

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27OF32

Honestly? I'm kinda lost,really. I read the originalabout thirty times and now even it isn't making any sense. Who killed who and why to do what? I'm not getting it.

-- The Editors

Did you think I would have told you my plan--if I

hadn't already a�omplished

my goal?

Der. Do you believe I am

stupid enough that I didn't

have a back-up generator that

I used?

Oh.

I saw that plug

on the ground.

I plu�ed it back in so

no one would trip over it.

Joh�y knew about it so I unplu�ed that one t� on

the way in.

And do you believe we would have come

in here without turning o� the

teleportation device you were going to use to nuke

Manha�an?


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28OF32

REALLY, THAT'S IT? THAT WAS HIS BIG MASTER PLAN?!

��

��

Hurumph!

Right?

I didn't get it.

What's not to

get?

They did the same thing in an episode of

Outer Limits!

My eyes! By a� that's

holy, my eyes!

I want the last two and a half hoursof my life

back.

At that moment...

...in New York City... ...at a late-night scr�ning

of Ho�yw�d's latest super-hero blockbuster...

…the ma�es speak!


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30OF32

I didit!

I ki�ed thr� mi�ion

people! W�-h�!

Um...congrats?

do it!

goteam?

I amout of here.

To justice.

You want to k�p it a secret?

You're going to have to

ki� me!To

te� the world what ha�ened

today.

Nutsack, where are you

going.

Likethis?

That would l�k so

bad on our resume.


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31OF32

THE END

I didit!

I didit!

I didit!

The cityis fine!

Grime! Crime! Murder!

Same as it ever

was!

Of course you did.

S�h.

Now get some

sl�p.

A�arentlyhis impo�ible, insane plan?

Turns out it was impo�ible!

Right. Mm hm.

Now we can a� go

home and get back to being

super-heroes!

Where'sNutsack?

Joh�y, s�h.

H�ty?

it was on the

news, when you went outside...

I knewthat!

Um.

He said he wanted to walk. He'd m�t us home.

S��!

He's going to be pleasantly

surprised!Right?

Can't wait to s� his face

when we te� him!

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32OF32

whatmen?!

Documents

albert deschesne

richard starkingspresident

scott dunbier

i n ou sforeshadowingyou

bar of soap

youre safe

people ca

people lk