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06 | ParentEdge | July - August 2012

What is Good Parenting?over StoryC

What is

The ParentEdge editorial team was brainstorming for ideas for the cover story of the First Anniversary Issue. Several topics were bandied about and then we thought it would be most appropriate to discuss 'What are the

qualities of good parenting?' Read on to discover the stories and experiences as parents and experts share their perspectives on bringing out the best of children irrespective of circumstances….

Good Parenting?


July - August 2012 | ParentEdge | 07

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The role of a parent – nurture versus nature

Areas of parental influence• Patterns of responsibility• Artistic interests• Development of talent• Values• Patterns of activity and

physical exercise• Social involvement• Eating patterns• Dealing with uncertainty• Anxiety• Optimism or pessimism

– Dr. Randy KalePsychologist, author and blogger

“We have removed fear from the parent-child equation, but we do not know what

to substitute it with.'How do I get the child to behave, be responsible, value elders, property and time? How do I inculcate good study habits?' Today's parents do not have the wherewithal, the techniques or a methodology to deal with these issues.”

– Ramakrishna ReddyHead, Manthan Group of Institutions

Hyderabad

How times have changed – the impact on parenting

Does a child come into the world pre-wired with certain characteristics that determine what he is going to be, or can parents and the environment influence his thinking and nature, especially during the formative years? As parents, this is something we ponder about a lot and it is the crux of the classic 'Nurture versus Nature' debate.

Research in fact shows that while some physical attributes such as hair colour are genetically inherited, drive, attitude and outlook can be shaped possibly by both genes and the environment. The Box on the right gives a partial list of where experts think parents can play a significant role.

Says Lakshmy Prakash, mother of three and a grandmother as well, “Children observe their parents all the time; parents are their role models and have a lot of influence in guiding and providing them the support they need to make wise choices.”

Also, you will agree that parenting is a job that we are not likely to retire from. Starting with developing reading habits in your primary schooler to helping your tween balance academics and co curricular activities to guiding your teen in college choices, it is true that a parent's journey is never complete.

Parenting has existed for as long as mankind has - why, then, is it so much under the scanner in the 21st century? Parents find themselves questioning and analysing their every move to check if it is right for the child. “Am I doing enough for my child to realise her potential? How much is too much? Am I stifling creativity?” Counsellors are inundated with queries, newspapers and magazines routinely carry articles about where parents are going horribly wrong (and some rare instances of what they are going right!). What is so dramatically different about parenting today?

Firstly, the family unit itself has changed. While the large joint family with aunts and uncles and cousins residing in the same home had become rare by the 70s, most families interacted frequently with close relatives and often had grandparents staying with, or close to them. The typical nuclear family of India today where children have little or no interaction with the extended family is more recent. Ramakrishna Reddy, Head, Manthan Group of Institutions, Hyderabad, believes that this one development has been mainly responsible for redefining the role of the parent. “Earlier, the father was the bread winner and the mother, the primary care giver. Cousins and grandparents had a role in

nurturing the child and exposing him to different things. In today's nuclear families, parents have to be the friends and guides also."

Add to this, the world that today's parents grew up in has changed completely. A single television channel with a few shows to look forward to has given way to hundreds of channels with 24/7 programming. Most of us probably saw a computer when we were well into our teens and were exposed to the internet a few years after that. Today's toddlers browse the internet on their parents' smart phones! The pervasiveness of technology has parents running scared.

In the new liberalised India with increasing urban affluence, it is hard for parents to make children understand the difference between wants and needs. The concept of a household budget is alien to them. Hafiya Shafi, IT professional and mother of two sums it up well, “Whatever I considered as privileges during my childhood are considered rights by my children.” Again, even a few decades ago, it was not uncommon to find the mother also working outside the home, to keep herself engaged or to

What is Good Parenting?



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supplement the family income. However, the working women of those days were usually employed in banks, or as teachers and in other such professions which allowed them to demarcate the boundaries between home and work quite clearly. Today’s working mother has a very different profile. In an era of equal opportunities, women are pursuing their careers more seriously, either to derive stimulation or to be able to afford a better standard of living for their family. With more demanding jobs and blurring home and work boundaries, parents, it appears, have to make a “conscious” effort to spend time with their children and fulfil their needs.

Faced with a new and unfamiliar world

where the unexpected pops up all the time, parents cannot quite fall back on their own experiences and instead have to “feel their way” through situations they are not quite acquainted with - and this makes them uncertain and diffident at times. All the buzz around parenting is not helping much, either. “I think the biggest challenge parents face today is the large body of information available to them, a lot of which can be conflicting. On one hand, you have grandparents who have certain philosophies about raising children. On the other, there is the internet, magazines, colleagues and friends — so many opinions on how to raise children! Parents need to make a conscious choice as to what to heed

and what to ignore,” says Sridevi Raghavan, a young parent and the founder of Amelio, a Chennai-based corporate day care chain.

Furthermore, children today are different too. “They are much more aware and demanding (of their parents and society at large). The flip side is that they have far lower frustration tolerance (they tend to give up much sooner than they should) than before, and these are the principal challenges that parents have had to face. Also, parents who grew up without questioning their parents' wisdom find it difficult to deal with it when their children constantly expose their own shortcomings,” observes Vijay Nagaswami, Chennai-based psychiatrist and relationship counsellor.

What parents are doing well today

Where do they need to improve?

Parents are much more physically demonstrative today. They are also constantly seeking resources in their environment to find solutions for their problems.

Parents listen to their children today. Children are also included in decision making.

Young parents are very creative and have a lot of different ideas. They are educated and make decisions based on facts when it comes to raising their children. They are not afraid to try new things and encourage their children to take part in sports and extra curricular activities.

I admire the way both parents share the responsibilities in bringing up a child nowadays, compared to earlier when, in most cases, only the mother was seriously involved in parenting.

Given the pressures of life, there is a lack of time, attention and energy to handle the growing needs of kids. This, combined with too much reliance on babysitters (whether family members or unrelated people), produces pressure points in the parent-child relationship.

They do not define boundaries with the children. There is too much anxiety about technology and peer influence.

While parents embrace modern ideas, they are not taking enough efforts to retain their own culture, values and traditions. They do not spend enough quality time with their kids.

Parents today need to be more patient. Yes, the world is fast-paced, but they should not rush their children too much.

Vijay NagaswamiChennai-based psychiatrist and relationship counsellor

Saras BhaskarChennai-based counselling psychologist

Lakshmy PrakashMother of three and grandmother, based at Fremont, California

Col. Nirmal Bandyopadhyay Ex-Army person, who lives in Bangalore and has a 3½-year-old grand-daughter in the USA

Status Quo – Parents today?




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Good parenting deciphered

Given that the world as they knew it has changed, and the reference models that parents have (how they themselves were raised) largely irrelevant, what are the characteristics of a good parent today?

Is a nurturing parent one who has raised a 'successful' child, one who has entered the portals of the most competitive colleges in the country? Is she one who has worked closely with her child, to enable him to blossom into an independent individual despite his learning disability? or

Is she one who may not have to deal with either disability or giftedness in her child, but nevertheless enables her child navigate various challenges and scale several heights through the growing years?

As you read on you will find that, a good parent is all of these and more. Meena Sivaraman, early childhood development specialist and a member of ParentEdge's Panel of Experts, with her decades of experience in observing parents of all kinds, sums up one dimension of a good parent quite succinctly, “A good parent is one who first identifies accurately the areas in which the child's interest, inclination and ability intersect. Then she ensures that the child gives his best in these areas, and also enjoys working in them.” The spirit with which such parents nurture the child is not to show off the child's abilities or to compete about who the better parent is. It has to do with meeting the child's need – ensuring that he is adequately challenged, motivated and happy.

Parents who nurture their child effectively also take pains to inculcate a healthy self-concept – rather than attempt to be 'the best' or 'the greatest' in everything. They ensure that the child understands that he can excel in certain areas and, for others, it is alright and even necessary to take help or assistance. This also means that the child respects others' abilities and talents.

A good parent is also one who is wise enough to not to let her own passion come in their way of her children's dreams. She sees her child's view point and does not let her own interest overshadow that of her children's. Reeth Abraham, a banking professional, who was a national level athlete at the prime of her sporting career, admits that she had hoped her children would become athletes too. “I have experienced, first hand, so many things because I was an athlete and I would have loved my children to experience those too. My husband Sunil Abraham was a professional sports person and so my children have inherited sporting genes. They would have excelled in sports.” But when her children did not want to pursue professional sports (they were both champions at the school level), she accepted their decision gracefully.

While a good parent gives his children the freedom to pursue their hearts' desires, he also makes sure that the children set high standards and drive themselves to achieve. Good parents do not take a laissez faire approach.

A good parent clearly enjoys her role; she wants to be involved in her children's lives, while giving them space. Of course, she has to walk the fine line that demarcates involved parenting from helicopter parenting (See box).

A good parent rises above the constraints and challenges of everyday life; he does not use circumstances as an excuse to not do what he has to. In every situation, such a parent looks for workarounds, to do the best with what he has. Some such examples follow, in the next page.

Involved parents • know their boundaries

and limitations• givethechildthespace

he needs• get involved based on

needofthechildandthesituation

• guide, navigate, sensitise, educate

'Helicopter'parents• advise,givedirections,

decide• createpathsforthe

childtofollow• maycreaterebellionor

afeelingofsuffocationinthechild

- Saras Bhaskar




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Good parenting in action

Instilling a healthy self-image in the childRachna* and her husband have two adopted children, a son and a daughter. She narrates, “My now 12-year-old daughter Divya* found it very hard, when she was younger, to reconcile the lack of physical resemblance with either myself or my husband – especially the difference in skin colour. She would say, “If only one of you were dark skinned, then it would not matter so much.” I once said quite spontaneously when she was expressing her feelings on the skin colour issue, “But you know what, I am so happy I did not give you my genes – you are so tall and have such a nice figure! And you are excellent at sports and art and I was (and am) terrible at both!” That brought a smile to her face and she felt happy about the way she was.

“One day, I remember we were flipping through a magazine and I saw an ad for a tanning salon. I showed both the children, “Look how people want to turn their white skin brown! And you two sometimes go on about your brown skin!”

“These instances, where I used humour to advantage, may not have resolved her feelings completely, but I think Divya knows that she can discuss this and other issues and feelings openly with me.”

Being there for the child during difficult timesNisha Aravind's* teenage son Rahul* was treated at a de-addiction centre to overcome an addiction to video gaming and the internet.

“My husband and I are busy professionals and my children spent a lot of time with their grand parents. Rahul was allowed to spend inordinate time watching television. Looking back, there were some warning signs even then; he would delay homework, he would abruptly switch channels when others were watching, he would fight

aggressively for television time. The first alarm came when he was in Grade Seven; he had started visiting video parlours with the pocket money that elders in the family would give him. As he got more engrossed in video games, he started stealing money from us. However, as he is quite intelligent, he was able to perform decently in Grade Ten despite all these issues.”

“But after that, things snowballed. I found out that he had not gone to college (pre-university) for two months. I followed him surreptitiously and discovered that he was spending whole days at a gaming parlour. I was shocked to see a Rahul different from the quiet, withdrawn boy I knew; he was shouting and exulting on winning, looking almost aggressive. Since his gaming was clearly getting in the way of studies, we had to take quick action. But screaming, threatening, withdrawing of pocket money did not work; he just withdrew into a shell and continued gaming by introducing others to the gaming parlour. It was only then that I found out that gaming could be an addiction like alcohol or drugs and can be treated. After the de-addiction treatment, Rahul has resumed his studies and is doing well.”

“Throughout the tumult, I had continued explaining the consequences of his actions to him. I would emphasise our love for him and also underscore that certain behaviour was unacceptable and harmful. To other parents of teenagers, I want to convey that despite hectic schedules, spending time regularly with the children, and being there for them is very important. Also, watch out for early warning signals, but do not be over protective.”

Offering unconditional love and supportAfter a bitter divorce, Parth* gets to meet his five-year-old daughter Diya* just once in two months, for four hours at a time. Given that her growing years were away from her father, Diya is not very attached to her father; she is not very forthcoming with him. That the

meetings have to happen in public places like malls and parks adds to the discomfiture. Parth is often asked why he continues these visits that give him no joy or satisfaction.

“It is important for her to know that her father is in her life, that her father did not abandon her and forget her. These visits may help form a bond once she grows up; perhaps when she is 15/16, she may understand and realise why I did these things. I feel I have a role to play, however small it may be. I will continue these visits as long as it is physically possible for me to do so. I am encouraged when she waves at me from the roundabout in the park or if she laughs spontaneously at my joke. These things keep me going for the next two months.”

Dealing with situations with the right perspectiveSridevi, founder of Amelio, a Chennai-based corporate day care narrates, “I was at an airport once, waiting to board a flight when I saw a mother with a three-year-old child, handing over passes to board the flight. Suddenly the child started throwing a tantrum, saying that she didn’t want to go on the plane. The child was making a big fuss and everyone was watching her.”

“What surprised me was that the mother remained completely unaffected. Usually parents reprimand their children in such a situation but this mother just stood there and waited for her child to cool down by herself. Then she went up to the child, spoke to her, made her laugh and calmly carried her onto the plane while the child was distracted by what the mother was saying. I quite liked the way the mother refused to acknowledge the child’s behaviour. Usually, we parents tend to make a big deal out of bad behaviour. But young children cannot differentiate between good and bad behaviour; they do what gets them more attention. By ignoring bad behaviour, the parent handled the situation very effectively, with a lot of love and care.”



*Names have been changed to protect identity.


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Good parenting day to day – Some Pointers

Parent Peeve Smart Solution

Involve children in your activities. Make them special tasks that they can also participate in. (It could be folding clothes, sorting drawers.)

– Lakshmy Prakash

I do not have enough time left after chores to spend with the children.

Use small inducements. For example, if you want your child to practise her mother tongue, ask her to try reading a recipe in a magazine in the mother tongue. If she succeeds, you make the dish for her.

– Sukanya Chakraborty

I want my child to retain 'Indian' roots.

Play together, practise a hobby – be game to try what your child wants to.

– Col. Nirmal Bandopadhyay

I want to stay connected with the child.

Set an example in the home environment; question your own purchases before you make them.

– Saras Bhaskar

I want to keep my child grounded/give him a sense of living within means.

Explain to children the logical consequences of their actions – “If you don't wake up on time, you will get late, miss the school bus and not reach school on time.” This helps them own up to their problems. (This approach may not yield immediate results, you may need to persist.)

– Saras Bhaskar

I am always reminding, threatening, pushing. I want my child to be self reliant.

The step by step guide to good parenting

#1 Make the most of that precious commodity - Time

and debates. Sridevi continues, “I think that parents sometimes get confused with spending time with a child functionally and spending quality time with the child. Everyday a parent should spend at least 45 minutes of quality time with the child in activities other than, for example, feeding the child. This time should be just mom and child time or dad and child time. Though it may not seem like much, it goes a long way with the child.” Lakshmy, the grand mother quoted earlier, urges, “When you are with the kids, please be with your kids completely. Put all your focus and attention on them when you are with them. Try your best not to be distracted by the cell phone, internet or TV.” Parents in the Oreo survey agree with this in spirit; 77% of Indian parents “confessed” that technology is a distraction when their family is spending time together, way higher than the global average of 48%.

I had always felt that had my children been with me all through, a lot of time would have gone unnoticed, while being engrossed in work, household chores, homework, after school activities. I believe we have become adept at making the most of the time available. Each time we are together, each of us takes extra care to ensure that the time is spent well. This conscious effort makes a lot of difference in our lives and makes up for the months of separation.

–HafiyaShafi,mother of two children at boarding

school; they meet one weekend a month and also spend four months of

vacation at home. Technologyneednotalwaysbe the villain; it can be aneffective tool to stay intouchandshrinkdistances:

Periodic phone calls on regular weekdays to get updates and share news with your children.

Video Skype when the parent is travelling.

For young children, perhaps even a CCTV feed from home or day care.

With parents becoming busier, especially in the metros, the idea of 'weekend parenting' is gaining ground. Weekdays are rushed, with parents having 12-14 hour work days and long commutes, and children busy with day school and after school activities. Thus, the vital parent-child connections are forged only during the weekends. So much so that 77% of Indian parents surveyed for the Cadbury OREO and Ipsos Public Affairs study said that they would trade part of their salary in exchange for more time with their children!

Adding to the problem is children’s preoccupation with gizmos and gadgets in the available time, at the expense of family bonding. Aparajita Bose, freelance writer, mother of two and ardent ParentEdge reader shares, “During car rides, my son would rather play with his portable gaming device than connect with his father or chat with his sister about what he observes.” Evidently, parents are keen to make the best of the time available with their children. And so, the notion of quality time is the topic of discussions

Nothing can beat the physical presence of the parent, as Jaya Kumar, Managing Director of a multi-national IT company will tell you. Jaya Kumar lived away from his family in the USA for four years. When he left for the USA, his son was five and a half and his daughter was two. This was before the days of video chat and Skype, and he only had recourse to expensive international phone calls to connect with his children. “Since my children were very young, it was very difficult to hold their attention for the span of a full conversation. My wife would keep me in the loop about what was happening in their lives and I would use these pointers




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to take the conversation forward. I would ask them to recite something that they had learnt at school/playschool. I still remember my daughter reading 'The Cat in the Hat' to me to show how she had developed reading skills!” These can be helpful pointers for urban fathers who may live with their children and yet not get enough physical time with them.

"I met them about twice a year. So in that short time we would spend a lot of time together. We would take leisurely holidays and also do something educational. We would visit museums and bookstores. Basically, we spent a lot of fun, quality time together."

- Jaya Kumar, on his “remote” parenting experience.

Seetha Ravishankar switched gears, from working for a leading IT major to running her own business, in order to get more physical time with her children in their formative years. Her daughters Rashmi and Nidhi are highly accomplished in scholastic, dance and music activities. On the other hand, Shanthi Viswanathan, (featured later in the interview section) decided to manage a corporate career with raising her children in an exceptional way. So parents should choose what works for their cirumstances to manage the constraints of limited time.

#2 Put in place a good support systemIt cannot be denied that experienced hands at home ease the hassles of parenting – be it a “this too shall pass, I went through this with you/your spouse” to soothe the frazzled nerves of a parent or a much-needed hand in the daily or making sure the children are fed nutritiously, and rested. Or it could be keeping children connected with their roots and culture – elders living with the family can take many items off a parent's to-do list (See box).

Pallavi Chethan lives in a joint family of eight members, including her two children, seven and four. “The biggest advantage of living in a joint family is that I don’t have to be constantly available to my children. I can go to work without worrying about how they are doing. I can go to the store without having to drag them along. Housework is shared by all the members and I can spend more quality time with my kids.”




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Saras Bhaskar thinks that effective working couples do not share work based on gender, but as per need. The father may take leave to look after a sick child if the mother has an important deadline to meet at work. “Involved parents also make sure that both parents attend parent-teacher meetings, that they have at least one meal a day together, and that they are clued-in to the interests of the child and do enough to promote them. Last and certainly not the least, discerning parents make sure that rewards are commensurate with the effort put in – they do not pamper the child with gadgets or expensive toys, just because they can afford them.”

#4 Be actively involved in your child's learningParents can support their children's learning in school in many different ways; helping with school projects and school work, providing encouragement, arranging for appropriate study time and space,modelling desired behaviour (such as reading for pleasure), monitoring homework, and even actively tutoring their children at home.

Get to know your child's friends and school-bus mates (and their parents).This helps in being clued-in to what is happening in their lives.

Spend time in the evening with the child, to ask what was taught in school and to encourage her to talk about it.

Jointly work on school project submissions – encouraging the child to provide ideas while ensuring the child takes lead.

During vacations, ensure there is something new she gets to see and learn and when back, motivate her to create a scrap book. Also encourage her to take a notebook when at vacation.

Some pointersNot all parents have the benefits of their parents or in-laws lending a hand in child rearing. Most of the time, grand parents live in another city or are unable to participate because of infirmity, old age etc. Working parents need a safe, stimulating environment for children to be in, and this is where organised day care centres step in.

The benefits with respect to learning and intellectual enrichment, when the child is nurtured in an environment outside the home, cannot be overemphasised. At a well-run day care centre, the child gets an opportunity to hone his social skills at a very young age. He gets over stranger anxiety very quickly when surrounded by children and adults in such an environment. Where good day care options are not available, or if parents manage to get reliable, hired child care help, parents may opt for home-based, one-on-one care.

Needless to say, whatever support system a parent uses, based on her family's needs and what she has access to, and the child's temperament, she must ensure that proper checks and balances are in place and that her emotional bonding with the child does not suffer.

#3 Work within your constraints Families with no access to an extended family close by or well-organised day care, face issues that arise out of time constraints and absence of parental supervision. Some of these are logistics-driven: “Which parent will take time off work to look after the child on a special holiday?” while some do not have direct solutions: “What influence will playmates and friends have?” Working parents also face the challenge of keeping a tab on what their children are doing at school and making sure they are up to date on home-work, projects etc. There is also the worry of keeping children stimulated and occupied during long school breaks – most working parents' schedules do not permit extended holidays. Sukanya Chakraborty, a communications professional and mother of a 11-year-old girl, has some ideas (See box).


PARENT PARTICIPATION IN SCHOOL - ACCOMPANYING THE CHILDREN ON EDUCATIONAL TRIPS.

Image Courtesy: Manthan International School, Hyderabad


- Sukanya Chakraborty, a communications professional.


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We had described the 'remote' parenting experiences of Jaya Kumar earlier in this article. Whenever he met his children (about twice a year), he “would try to look up things with them that would help them from an educational perspective and from a general growth perspective as well. I also had a close look at what they were doing at school. I asked to see if they had fully understood a concept and then I would pick up a more advanced or complex area in the same area and talk to them about it, and see if their interest was sparked.”

Knowing what is happening at school can help parents support their children's learning. Many schools organise meetings and workshops to update parents on the methods used at school, for parents to familiarise themselves. Another invaluable way for parents to be in sync with what is done at their child's school is to volunteer there. Manthan School, Hyderabad, has a

thriving parent participation and volunteer programme; parents are part of classroom sessions too, in addition to special outings and trips. Interaction with twenty-odd children and observation of these varied learning patterns can give parents insights into the learning process.

So, to sum up, how does one become a good parent?

Be involved in your child's life while giving essential space and freedom, monitor closely while resisting the urge to protect, show him the ropes and simultaneously allow him to explore, motivate, encourage and cheer while teaching to drive himself on, spend quality time managing your own constraints – yes, it is a tightrope walk.

There is no silver bullet here; parenting is very individual. While you can take pointers and ideas, you will need to weave these into your own experience and craft an approach that suits your situation and circumstances. As we said in the beginning of this article, good parenting is a journey, not a destination.

Since there is no cookie cutter solution to becoming a good parent, it is all the more important that you stay connected and committed with your child.

It is good to remember that parents are like gardeners who prepare the bed, drop the seed and meticulously weed, water and shelter. And leave the blossoming of the plant to nature's course.




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Being a good, nurturing parent day to day

Fount of Inspiration

K. V. Viswanathan and Shanthi Viswanathan raised their sons Nitin and Siddarth in New Jersey, USA, while simultaneously managing busy careers in Information Technology and Academia. Nitin has recently graduated from Princeton University with a degree in Computer Science and Siddarth is pursuing an undergraduate degree in Statistics at Harvard University.

Nitin played competitive table tennis at an advanced level, and won several regional and national awards in science. Siddarth played table tennis at the national level, won regional and national awards in science and mathematics and won national-level music awards.

We spoke to Viswanathan to understand how he and his wife nurtured their sons' abilities effectively. He wished to begin with this clarification:

“My children have managed to get into top universities in the US and also become accomplished in other areas. By general standards they would be considered “successful.” While we feel happy that they have done well so far, our aim for them is to be good human beings who know how to be happy irrespective of what they possess. On this count, we do not yet know if we have raised our children well – only time will tell.”

How did you and your wife identify your children's specific interests? We did not actively promote any specific areas of excellence. They simply did what they found interesting. Both our children took to table tennis. I had played table tennis myself as a youngster and was able to coach them initially and also pass on my enthusiasm for the game (I was not particularly good at the game, but did have a good understanding on what a good quality game is). The children showed flair and so I found a good coach who would take them much further than I ever could. I think the fact that I understood the game and was able to communicate my love for the sport (rather than pressurise them to perform) helped to build in them an innate liking for the game so that they enjoyed it for its own sake.

We did expose both children to piano at a young age. Neither my wife nor I have much of an understanding of music and could not help the children directly; we enrolled them in piano classes. It just so happened that our elder son showed no interest, but the younger one seemed very interested. For the first five to six years of music lessons, things were routine and they would just go to classes with nothing special going on. When our younger son was in grade eight he showed interest in music composition (something that happened in school perked his interest) and we encouraged him and purchased some music composition software as well as some books that he wanted. He took this on with gusto and started sending some compositions to competitions – unsuccessfully. At this stage, we found a teacher who helped immensely and our son started winning competitions.

How did you ensure that your son was not discouraged by initial disappointments at competitions? What can other parents learn from your experience?I think the key is for the parent to set expectations clearly. In a competition there is a high likelihood of failing; after all, only very few people out of the huge numbers that participate, take home the prizes. No doubt, it is very difficult for the children when they don't win, but parents should not make a big deal of this. When parents try to live their lives through their children's, they convey the 'high-stakes' feeling to their children, which is not healthy.




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What did you provide, in addition to what was done at school or by other professionals, to fully develop your children's capabilities? In this context, what would be your suggestion to parents?I think that the most useful thing that we did was to genuinely encourage our children in activities that they found interesting. We always stressed that whatever they took up they should do well. That is, their motivation should be intrinsic – a desire to excel in an activity of interest for its own sake and not for what it will bring to them – fame, success, higher chances of getting into a good college, etc. So, while participating in a competition is good as it provides children the opportunity to see others performing at high levels, parents should not rely on just competition as a way to spur performance.

Intrinsic motivators are far more powerful than extrinsic motivators. I also think that parents can encourage their children to tap into intrinsic motivators only if they themselves truly understand the idea and have found joy in doing something – anything – well. If in their own lives they have been attached to extrinsic motivators

(like money or power, for example) then they will be unable to convey the joy of doing something well for its own sake. I feel that this is a very high leverage habit; once children have this mindset, they can power themselves on and parents have less work to do. I find this to be a very useful way to unlock their potential.

As busy working professionals, how did you and your wife manage to support your children? What were some of the challenges and how did you counter them?When our children were young, we had a very challenging time. I used to travel a lot and my wife had to manage the children, while being deeply committed to her own career. In the US, we had zero household help or extended family support, which did add to the stress.

In retrospect, I think we managed by keeping things very simple – we worked very hard at our jobs, gave our 100% to the children and did little else. We did not have much of a social life – just a few close friends, very few social get-togethers. We did not go out for movies; the few ones

that we watched were with the children at home. It is not as if we made a conscious “sacrifice” for the children. That is simply how we were.

We had to do a lot of work to shuttle them around for the classes/coaching sessions; we did this with a very keen interest, and not just as a chore. Whatever we did for the children, we did it with total commitment and enjoyed their success and joy.

What about the rote aspect – building a skill, practice? How did you ensure this happened?The mundane, rote aspect of any pursuit is something the parent has to enforce. I think we were authoritarian, when needed, especially when the children were young.

Was there any pressure on the children because of peers from more laid-back families?Actually, no. We lived in places where we were surrounded by typical, driven, achievement-oriented Asian families, so the children did not experience any dissonance. Also, the schools that the children went to had students with a similar mind-set and background.




Ms. Swati Popat Vats is President of Podar Education Network. Swati is an educator, educational activ-

ist, teaching expert and author of books for children, parents and

teachers. She is also a member of ParentEdge’s Panel of Experts.

A Tribute to the Nurturing Parent The Expert’s Take

A Tribute to The Nurturing Parent

Parenting is the only role we walk into without any training, with just with the

promise of loving, nurturing and protecting our child. And most of the time, parents do a very good job! Many parents put their hearts and souls into this role to ensure that their child is able to get all the happiness he or she deserves. Some may struggle to make ends meet but will try to meet all the needs of their children.

Our grandparents practised parenting, our parents practised it and now we are parents! What has changed in parenting over the generations? Or has anything changed at all?

Our grandparents, and to a large extent our parents, practised parenting as a ‘group’; aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins all contributed to bringing up a child. They seemed to follow the dictates of the old African proverb: ‘It takes a village to raise a

child.’ In contrast, today’s parents go it alone. Yes, they do have hired help and daycares, but ultimately the parents are on their own. That is one thing that has changed in parenting.

Also, earlier, a parent followed a set style, a set method that generations did not deviate from. ‘My father did this so I am doing it…’ was the style.

Today, with so much knowledge and information available, parents are well versed with the latest research. Some parents even practice ‘rebound’ parenting; so you have some who say ‘because my father was strict, I will not be strict with my child,’ and yet others who say ‘because my father was strict and it worked for me, I will be strict as well.’ And in sharp contrast to our grandparents’ generation whose fathers especially were distant and remote, we now have the ‘helicopter’ parents! These are usually parents with only one child, whose lives revolve around their child, who not only take care of the child but also ‘smother’ the child with too much attention sometimes.

In their own way, all of the above are trying to be good parents. All are either trying to do what they learnt from their parents or what they have learnt from research and parenting books; but all of them love their children and want the best for them. They are trying to be good parents.

But what is good parenting? Good parenting is all about nurturing. Nurturing means to bring out the best in someone, and that’s what every parent should aim for. Good parenting is not about the style of parenting but about understanding, loving and nurturing the child in every situation.

Here I would advise parents to follow German philosopher and educationist Rudolf Steiner’s teaching. He says that good

parenting is not constant; good parenting is about changing your parenting style as per the needs of your child. According to Steiner, at every stage of life — infancy, childhood and adolescence — children have different needs, and good parents understand this and adapt accordingly. In the infancy stage, children learn by imitation, so practice what you preach or they will never learn what you want them to learn. They need the independence to explore and be themselves and, at this stage, if they are ‘naughty’ or throw tantrums, parents must have the patience and understanding to deal with it.

Then comes childhood where children need authority. Children understand and want the security of rules, routines; they want equal attention and praise so sibling and ‘friend’ rivalry is at its peak at this stage! And the only way you can make them follow rules is by making them understand the concepts of consequences and forfeits.

The last stage of childhood is adolescence and kids in this stage need independence. By this stage you should be able to trust your child and give him/her the independence to take decisions about his/her life. Friends are more important to them at this stage and they listen to them and even keep secrets about them. This stage is also about economic independence, so ensure that you give them pocket money or your child will learn to steal.

The above is a simple definition of the needs of the child at each stage and how a parent can help meet those needs and nurture the child with a changing parenting style.

Parenting is the toughest role that we play in life. With the right support and guidance, all parents can practise good parenting by being supportive, informed and nurturing parents.

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