18 COPING q September/October 2008 Visit www.copingmag.com to subscribe or send us your story

W hen I went through the di-agnosis and treatment for breast cancer as a 38 year

old mother of three young children, I was fortunate to have many offers of help from those who cared about me. People were so helpful, in fact, that I

felt I couldn’t possibly ask them to do more than what they were already doing for my family and me. Even if I really needed help with something in particu-lar, I kept my silence. Part of my hesitation was that I didn’t want to burden anyone, and part of it was that I wanted to remain as indepen-dent as possible for the sake of my own self-esteem. When I began surveying hundreds of cancer survivors for my new book, What Helped Get Me Through: Cancer Survivors Share Wisdom and Hope, I asked them what would have helped them that they didn’t ask for. I found that the reaction I had during my cancer journey was not uncommon. On the other hand, many survivors re-ported that they would have accepted the help if someone had specifically offered. Indeed, they were usually happy to have their loads lightened,

but they wouldn’t ask someone to do that for them. I want to share some of the “secret” wishes that came up time and again from the survivors who filled out sur-veys. It is my hope that if you are going through a cancer experience, you will ask for the help that will really make a difference during this time. This isn’t easy. It’s difficult to have to rely on others to do what has always fallen under your domain, and equally hard to ask favors of those who you know already lead busy lives. Perhaps friends and family members reading this will offer assistance to their loved ones without having to be asked and will see beneath the protests. Many survivors reported that when people said “Let me know if I can help,” that was not nearly as useful as an explicit offer such as “I’ll be by on Saturday to mow your lawn.” Mike, a management

professional diagnosed with rectal can-cer, said, “Our friends and family did not ask what they could do to help us.

They simply did things, knowing full well we would not ask for anything. They brought meals, picked up our children for events and outings … It’s a good thing they were think-

ing for us; we sure weren’t. We were too focused on the prize of recovery.” The daily chores that wear us all out become overwhelming when going through cancer treatment. Sally, who underwent treatment for breast cancer at age 39, noted, “I wish I had someone

to clean my house, because I was too tired to do anything during radiation.” She added, “I would never ask some-one to clean my house!” Indeed, most people seem to feel this way, but if someone specifically offered to help – cleaning the bathrooms, taking out the trash, and so on – by and large, the survivors reported that they would have really appreciated the help. Cancer survivors often face a loss of income combined with an increase in expenses for things like gasoline to drive to radiation or chemotherapy. If you have the means to help someone financially, whether it’s buying them a gas card or providing soccer uniforms for the children or paying the mortgage, that may be the most helpful thing that you can do. If you don’t have the means, consider organizing a fund-raiser or ask-ing fellow church or synagogue members or other community groups to pitch in.

Though many survivors do need fi-nancial help during this time, there are also simple things that make a big dif-ference and don’t cost anything. Bill, a 62-year-old man who was diagnosed with prostate cancer, wrote, “What I desired most, for which I found it hard to ask, was physical contact with people. Just the mere contact of someone touch-ing my arm, shaking a hand, giving me a hug, I found to be very comforting.”

Editor’s Note: Dr. Julie Silver, a physiatrist, is an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School and on the medical staff at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, MA. She has authored over a dozen books, including her guidebook to recovery from cancer treat-ment, After Cancer Treatment: Heal Faster, Better, Stronger. Her upcoming book for the American Cancer Society, What Helped Get Me Through: Cancer Survivors Share Wisdom and Hope (October 2008), marks her fifth year of survivorship. n

What Cancer Survivors Need (But Don’t Always Ask For)

by Julie K. Silver, md

Many survivors reported that when people said “Let me know if I can help,” that was not nearly as useful as an explicit offer such as “I’ll be by on Saturday to mow your lawn.”

Dr. Julie Silver