Welcome to Fierce Welcome to Fierce ConversationsConversations

When you think of a fierce conversation, think passion, integrity, authenticity, collaboration.

Think cultural transformation.

Think leadership.

Your Ticket in the Door: Go Your Ticket in the Door: Go RoundRound

How might the right conversation help a school leader transform the culture of a school?

Today’s OutcomesToday’s OutcomesWhat gets talked about in your

school and how it gets talked about determines what will happen. At the end of the day, you will be familiar with four conversational models:1. Team conversations2. Coaching conversations3. Delegation conversations4. Confrontation conversations

Team ConversationsTeam Conversations

Engage teams in frictionless debates that interrogate multiple, often competing realities, resulting in the best decisions for the school, enthusiastically implemented.

Coaching ConversationsCoaching Conversations

Engage individuals in conversations that increase clarity, improve understanding and provide impetus for change – resulting in professional development, a bias for action and accelerated results.

Delegation ConversationsDelegation Conversations

Clarify responsibilities and raise accountability, ensuring that each employee has a clear path of development, action plan are implemented, goals are achieved, and leaders are free to take on more complex responsibilities.

Confrontation Confrontation ConversationsConversations

Engage individuals and teams in conversations which confront and resolve attitudinal, performance or behavioral issues, while also enriching relationships.

Definition and the Definition and the ObjectivesObjectives

A Fierce Conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation and make it real.

Interrogate reality: ask the questions Provoke learning: connections, the next level Tackle tough challenges: have it today!,

most put it off or don’t have it Enrich relationships: how to do this while

doing all of the above

How do you know when you How do you know when you are having a Fierce are having a Fierce Conversation?Conversation?You are:Speaking in your real voiceSpeaking to the heart of the

matterReally asking and listeningGenerating heatEnriching a relationshipDifferent when the conversation

is over

Remember….Remember….

No remark is trivial.

And now….to the 3 transformational ideas.

Idea Number 1Idea Number 1Our careers, our schools, our

personal relationships, and our very lives succeed or fail gradually, then suddenly, one conversation at a time.◦Take “but” out of the conversations

and replace with “and.”◦Missing conversations are the worst.

““Mokita”Mokita”

-that which everyone knows and no one speaks of. The Papuans of New Guineas judge the health of any community by the number of “mokitas” that exist within it.

Names and Numbers of Names and Numbers of MokitasMokitas

Work1.___________2.___________3.___________4.___________

How much does each Mokita cost your school, your family, you?

Personal/Family1.___________2.___________3.___________4.___________

The rule: name our Mokitas; no repercussions.

One more thought…One more thought…

While no conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a school, a relationship, or a life – any conversation can.

Idea Number 2Idea Number 2The conversation is the relationship.

◦Quality conversation = quality relationship

◦No conversation = no relationship◦Leadership is defined as your capacity

to connect with people◦The most valuable currency any of us

has is not money. Nor is it intelligence, attractiveness, self-sufficiency or charisma. It is relationship. It is emotional capital.

Idea Number 3Idea Number 3

All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.◦Attitudes, beliefs, opinions, truths

are our filters◦We want to be understood, not

interpreted.◦We let in the truth we want.

Seven PrinciplesSeven Principles1. Master the courage to interrogate

reality.2. Come out from behind yourself, into

the conversations, and make it real.3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else.4. Tackle your toughest challenge today.5. Obey your instincts.6. Take responsibility for your emotional

wake.7. Let silence do the heavy lifting.

ReflectionReflection

Which principle will I focus on for the next 30 days?

My “apostrophe.”

Team ConversationsTeam Conversations

?s for team clarity?s for breakthrough conversationsBeach ball realityIssue preparation formThe conversationDuring the conversationYour apostrophe

?s for Team Clarity?s for Team ClarityWhere are we going?Why are we going there?Who is going with us?How are we going to get there?If nothing changes, what are the

implications?Would everyone on your team

answer these ?s the same way? How would you answer them?

?s for Breakthrough ?s for Breakthrough ConversationsConversationsWhat values do we stand for, and are

there gaps between these values and how we actually behave?

What are the skills and talents of our school and are there gaps between those resources and what market demands?

What opportunities does the future hold, and are there gaps between those opportunities and our ability to capitalize on them?

What is impossible for us do that, if it were possible, would change everything?

What are we pretending not to know?

Beach Ball RealityBeach Ball RealityDoes each team member feel free to

express his or thoughts and emotions?Does each team members feel free to

interrogate another team member’s view of reality?

Does each team member engage other team members openly, without being defensive, when his/her view of reality is being interrogated?

Does each team member strive to describe reality without laying blame?

Do your team conversations always get to ground truths?

Think QBQ: the question behind the question.

Having a Beach Ball Having a Beach Ball ConversationConversation A beach ball conversation is

essential when you have:◦A high stakes decision to make◦A strategy to design◦An opportunity to evaluate◦A problem to solve

Next…Next…Select a significant or recurring problem

you wish to solve:◦ The problem is:◦ I will invite to this conversation: (who is

doing the impacting, who is compacted, resisters, people who are credible, experts)

◦ Prior to this conversation, I will send out: (what will others need to review?)

In the invitation, let everyone know:◦ The problem to be discussed.◦ Its significance.◦ Your desire to understand their

perspectives about how to solve it.

Issue Preparation FormIssue Preparation FormThe issue is:It’s significant because:My ideal outcome is:Relevant background information:What I have done up to this point:Options I am considering:The help I want from the group is:

A Few Hints…A Few Hints…Walk through first, then give to the

team.Be honest.Don’t use “but” or “however.”Hear from everyone.”Use a beach ball if you like.Say something like:

◦ “We’re here to solve the problem of…My goal is to make the best possible decision.”

◦ “My view is based on my position on the beach ball.”

◦ “Push back on anything I say that doesn’t match your view of reality. That’s how you add value to this conversation.”

After the Conversation…After the Conversation…Ask each team member to write down a

concise answer to this question: “What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

Have each person read his/her advice. Do no respond; only say “thank you.”

Then ask, “Did I miss anything essential”Thank them, tell them what action you

are prepared to take, and when you will take it.

Ask them to sign their recommendations in case you want to follow up.

Get back to them once you have made the decision or take action and let them know the results and/or next steps.

Practice: Team Practice: Team ConversationConversation

Individually complete the Issue Preparation Form

One whole group conversationPair with a colleagueReflect

Reflection and ApostropheReflection and Apostrophe

How might a team conversation improve your results, the results of your team, and the results of the whole school?

How might you use a team conversation in the future?

Your apostrophe?

Coaching ConversationsCoaching ConversationsThe “to do” listSMART + HEARTCoaching questionsMineral rights model: mining for

greater clarity, improved understanding, and impetus for change

Reflection and apostrophe

A ThoughtA Thought

A careful conversation is a failed conversation because it merely postpones the conversation that wants and needs to take place.

The “to do” ListThe “to do” ListIn addition to achieving significant

student achievement results, you have been asked to:◦Lead change◦Build collaborative community

partnerships◦Delegate effectively◦Manage a budget◦Make the best decisions for the school◦Present and influence◦Manage complex issues and

responsibilities

So….?So….?

Take a deep breath.Fierce believes the answers are

in the room.You’ve got plenty of “smarts” to

pull it off

SMART + HEARTSMART + HEARTHuman beings make decisions first

for emotional reasons, second for rational reasons.

Coaching produces disappointing results because, though our heads are engaged, we checked our emotions at the door. There is no fuel for the lit match to ignite.

Great leaders, great coaches, great colleagues engineer epiphanies by engaging people’s heads and hearts.

IQ and EQ

Coaching Questions: Fuel for Coaching Questions: Fuel for the Conversationsthe ConversationsWhat is the most important

decision you are facing? What is keeping you from making it?

What topic are you hoping I don’t bring up?

What part of your responsibilities are you avoiding right now?

What conversation are you avoiding right now?

What do you wish you had more time to do?

More Coaching QuestionsMore Coaching QuestionsWhat things are you doing that you

would like to stop doing and/or delegate to someone else?

What threatens your peace? What threatens the school? Your personal health? Your fulfillment?

Reminder: “Giving half answers won’t make the conversation half as long.”

Mineral Rights ModelMineral Rights ModelSeven steps:

◦Identify the issue◦Clarify the issue◦Determine current impact◦Determine future implications◦Examine personal contribution to the

issue◦Describe the ideal outcome◦Commit to action

Step 1Step 1

Name the issue◦The issue I most need to resolve is …

Step 2Step 2

Clarify the issue◦What is going on?◦How long has this been going on?◦How bad are things?

Step 3Step 3Determine the current impact

◦How is this issue currently impacting me?

◦What results is this situation currently producing for me?

◦How is this issue currently impacting others?

◦What results is this situation currently producing for them?

◦When I consider the impact on myself and others, what are my emotions?

Step 4Step 4

Determine the future implications◦If nothing changes, what’s likely to

happen?◦What’s at stake for me to lose or

gain relative to this issue?◦What’s at stake for other to lose or

gain?◦When I consider these possible

outcomes, what do I feel?

Step 5Step 5

Examine your personal contribution to this issue◦How have I contributed to the

problem”

Step 6Step 6Describe the ideal outcome

◦When this issue is resolved, what difference will this make?

◦What results will I enjoy?◦What results will others enjoy?◦When I imagine these results, what

are my emotions?

Step 7Step 7

Commit to action◦What is the most potent step I could

take to move this issue toward resolution?

◦What’s going to attempt to get in my way, and how will I get past it?

◦When will I take this step?

RemindersRemindersSteps 1-6, ask questions 80% of the timeTone is importantStep 1: leave out if they come to youStep 2: make an emotional connectionStep 3: leave out and you’ll never get to

action; people will connect their emotions here

Step 4 creates urgencyStep 5 wakes up their brainStep 6: watch for fears; don’t let become

realStep 7: if there is no follow-up, actions

become extinct

More RemindersMore Reminders

Slow the conversation down so it can find out what it wants and needs to be about.

Inquire about emotions. Fierce Conversations are both intellectually convincing and emotionally compelling.

Let silence do the heavy lifting.

A Thought on DrillingA Thought on Drilling

If you are drilling for water, it is better to drill one, hundred-foot well than one hundred, one foot wells.

One More Thought on One More Thought on ConversationsConversations

“No one has to change and everyone has to have the conversation. When the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation has ended.”

David Whyte

Practice: Coaching Practice: Coaching ConversationConversation

Individually complete the Coaching Conversation Steps

One whole group conversationPair with a colleagueReflect

Reflection and ApostropheReflection and Apostrophe

How might coaching conversations help to improve your results, the results of your team, and the results of your school?

How might you use coaching conversations in the future?

Your apostrophe?

Delegation ConversationsDelegation Conversations

What if you had six months to teach everyone who reports to you to get along without you?

My Top 3 Time EatersMy Top 3 Time EatersNo. 1

______________________________

No. 2 ______________________________

No. 3 ______________________________

What takes up the most time?

How much time?

How long have you been doing this activity?

The Decision Tree ModelThe Decision Tree ModelRoot decision: Made with input

from many people.Trunk decision: Make the decision.

Report your decision before you take action.

Branch decision: Make the decision. Act on it. Report the action you took daily, weekly or monthly.

Leaf decision: Make the decision. Act on it. Do not report the action you took.

The Decision Tree ModelThe Decision Tree Model

Tool used for delegation, accountability and professional development.

Direct outcomes of using a decision tree:◦Individual’s development path is clear◦Their progress is acknowledged◦Leaders are free to lead versus micro-

manage.

Decision Tree GoalsDecision Tree GoalsGoal 1: to clearly identify which

categories various decisions and actions fall into, so that an individual knows exactly where he or she has the authority to make decisions and take action.

Goal 2: to provide an employee with a clear upward path of professional development. Progress is made when decisions and actions are moved from root to trunk to branch to leaf categories.

Goals (continued)Goals (continued)Goal 3: to assist schools in consciously

developing leaders with the organization, freeing the superintendent to take on more challenging responsibilities themselves.

Goal 4: To create a culture of accountability, so that everyone in the organization takes full responsibilities for his or her actions.

“If your employees believe their job is to do what you tell them, you’re sunk.”

Doing ItDoing ItWhat would be the best use of my

time?What activity or responsibility is no

longer the best use of me?To who would I like to give this

responsibility?At what level? (leaf, branch, trunk)By when?How much of my time will this free

up?What supports do I need to give?

Two Questions and Four Two Questions and Four “Ds”“Ds”How root bound am I?How can delegation not be a

dumping ground?4 “Ds”

◦Delete it?◦Delegate it? (not as dumping)◦Delay it? (not done today, may not

get done)◦Do it!

5 Things to Do5 Things to DoThe Rules

◦ Before you leave, write down 5 things you will accomplish the next day.

◦ It’s 5, not 3, not 6, not 12◦ Aim to accomplish all 5 by noon◦ Don’t leave until you have completed those 5

things and written down 5 for the next day◦ No cheating! Don’t go home until they’re done!

Suggestions◦ Have a “5 things buddy” to keep each other on

track◦ Use Post-It notes pad with room for 5 things

and date on top

Gainers and DrainersGainers and DrainersEnergy drainers

list

Which one can you eliminate in the next 30 days?

Energy gainers list

Which one can you implement in the next 30 days?

RemindersRemindersRoot level decisions are best

determined following Beach Ball Conversations.

Ask others to create a Decision Tree for themselves to be reviewed and approved by you.

Tell people where they are free to play and raise the level of personal responsibility.

We become more effective as grub-hunters versus mole-whackers.

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” Annie Dillard

Practice: Delegation Practice: Delegation ConversationConversation

Individually complete the Delegation Conversation form

One whole group conversationPair with a colleagueReflect

Reflection and ApostropheReflection and ApostropheHow might the delegation

conversation help improve your results, the results of your team, and the results of the school?

What would be the benefit of explaining the concept of the delegation conversation to each direct report and having them create a decision tree for themselves?

Apostrophe?

Confrontation Confrontation ConversationsConversations

We get what we tolerate.

We will learn how to confront someone’s attitude or behavior and live to tell about it.

Some Thoughts….Some Thoughts….If you don’t do the Beach Ball

Conversation or Mineral Rights Conversation well, you won’t do the Confrontation Conversation well

Typical actions◦Avoid◦Justify◦Develop new rule◦Memo to the world◦Tell everyone but ….

More Thoughts…More Thoughts…Why we don’t confront

◦It’s just the way they are◦They’ll be hurt or cry◦They’re just that way◦It will get worse

What happens if you don’t handle it?◦People leave◦People question your leadership

Helpful HintsHelpful Hints

Only have a Confrontational Conversation if there is a historical pattern.

Never read it to the other person.Goal is to clarify.Do a one-minute practice in front

of the mirror or with someone else

The Confrontation ModelThe Confrontation ModelPreparation

◦Name the issue◦Select a specific example that illustrates

the behavior or situation you want to change

◦Describe the emotions around the issue◦Clarify why it is important – what is at

stake to gain or lose for you, for others, for the teams, or for the organization

◦Identify your contribution(s) to this problem

◦Indicate your wish to resolve the issue◦Invite your partner to responds

1. Name the Issue1. Name the Issue

“I want to talk with you about the effect … is having on ….”

2. Select a Specific 2. Select a Specific ExampleExample

“For example, …No more than 3Make no judgment or emotion

3. Describe your 3. Describe your EmotionsEmotions“I feel….”“I was stunned…”“I am puzzled this is happening…”“I am troubled by …”Be careful about using the word

“disappointed;” sounds too parentalYou have to connect to the emotion

for it to happenNo smiling; especially common for

women

4. Clarify Why This Is 4. Clarify Why This Is ImportantImportant“From my perspective, the

stakes are high._________ is at stake.And most importantly, _________is

at stake.”Losing highly valued employees.Culture of future projects.

5. Identify Your 5. Identify Your ContributionContribution

“I recognize my fingerprints. I …◦should have brought this up sooner.◦didn’t give you the tools.◦should have given you clearer

expectations.For this, I apologize”Model honest mistakes.If you can’t name it, have a

coaching conversation to help you identify it.

6. Indicate Your Wish to 6. Indicate Your Wish to ResolveResolve

“I want to resolve this with you – (restate the issue).”

7. Invite Your Partner to 7. Invite Your Partner to RespondRespond

“I sincerely want to understand your perspective. Talk to me.”

Model (continued)Model (continued)Interaction

◦Inquire into your partner’s views◦Use paraphrasing and perception

check◦Dig for full understanding; don’t be

satisfied on the surface◦Make sure your partner knows that

you fully understand and acknowledge his/her position and interests

Model (continued)Model (continued)Resolution

◦What was learned?◦Where are we now?◦What is needed for resolution?◦What was left unsaid that needs

saying?◦What is our new understanding?◦How can we move forward from here,

given this new understanding?◦Make a new agreement and have a

method to hold each other accountable.

Three Popular TacticsThree Popular TacticsWhen people are confronted,

most will attempt to justify their behavior to escape accountability by using these tactics:◦Deny

It wasn’t me! It never happened!

◦Defend It wasn’t my fault, it was because of…..

◦Deflect It’s not about this, it’s about….

What to DoWhat to Do

Be ready.Be polite.Don’t go there with them.You may say, “I see this is not

the time to have this conversation. Let’s set a time to…”

If interrupted say, “Please give a minute to clarify the issue.”

Some ThoughtsSome ThoughtsHealthy relationship include both

confrontation and appreciation.Deliver the message without the load.After your opening statement, drop

into Mineral Rights mode.A courageous, skillful confrontation is

a gift, a vein of gold worth mining.There is something within us that

responds deeply to those who level with us, who don’t suggest our compromises for us.

Practice: Confrontation Practice: Confrontation ConversationConversation

Individually complete your 60-second opening statement, interaction, and resolution

One (or more) whole group conversation

Pair with a colleagueReflect

Reflection and ApostropheReflection and Apostrophe

How might the Confrontation Conversation help to improve your results, the results of your team, and the results of your school?

How might you us the Confrontation Conversations in the future?

Your apostrophe?

Fierce FactorsFierce Factors

Organizational tendenciesInterpretation of organizational

tendenciesPersonal beliefsInterpretation of personal beliefs

CommitmentsCommitmentsCommitments

◦Today I will master the courage to interrogate reality. What reality at home or at work needs most

interrogating?

◦Today I will come out from behind myself into my conversations and make them real. I will speak of the things that are on my mind and in my heart, including those that seem risky or unattractive. Where and with whom am I failing to show

authentically?

CommitmentsCommitmentsToday I will be here, prepared to be

nowhere else.◦Who would benefit from my undivided

attention? Perhaps it is myself.Today I will tackle my toughest

challenge.◦What conversation am I dodging? What

issue am I avoiding?Today I will obey my instincts. I will

take time to deliberate, and when the time to speak arrives, I will share what I am thinking.◦What messages have been beckoning me?

CommitmentsCommitmentsToday I will take responsibility for my

emotional wake. Emotional wake is what you remember after I’m gone. What you feel after I’m gone. The aftermath, aftertaste, or afterglow.◦To whom do I need to apologize? Who

deserves my praise?Today I will let silence do the heavy

lifting. ◦What beneficial results might occur if I said

less, listened more, and provided silence in which to think about what has (and has not) been said?

Personal Action PlanPersonal Action PlanPrinciple(s) I will focus on for the

next 30 daysConversations I need to have

◦Name◦Topic

Your top 5 goalsPersonal and professional10 questionsPersonal integrity scan

Some Closing ThoughtsSome Closing ThoughtsWhen we spend a lifetime curbing our

anger, our sadness, or our frustration for fear of offending others, in the process, we curb our joy.

What if I can become a crucible – a strong, resilient vessel in which profound change could safely take place?

Everything that matters in our intellectual and moral life begins with an individual confronting his own mind and conscience in a room by himself.

Closing ThoughtsClosing Thoughts

The most valuable thing any us can do is find a way to say the things that can’t be said.