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Estes, Where Stella Shines…

Hannah Estes

[email protected]

Where Stella Shines

She remembered watching the stars fall from her eyes. Stella blinked as she looked in the

mirror. No, today those were just tears. She gripped the sleeves of her coffee-colored sweeter in

her palms and wiped the stains from her cheeks. They were rosy from the cold. Or maybe from

crying. Who’s to say?

She knew she shouldn’t think this way. She had always gotten bad test grades; it was

time to act like an adult. Stella sighed and ran her hands through the curly brown mess atop her

head pulling it back into a ponytail. Hanging down her curls were wild but right now she simply

didn’t have the energy to deal with them. Stella glanced at the mirror once more before heading

back into the living room of her small white apartment and curling up on the sofa. Her quiet

home made her smile. She could close her doors to the world here. Her parents had been all for

her living on her own and separate from prying eyes. The thought stung as it flashed through her

mind. They couldn’t bear the idea of someone, even a roommate, watching their daughter

struggle through studying, and frankly neither could she. Less embarrassment for them, less

embarrassment for her. It was win-win.

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She hated herself for it but she couldn’t help it. Another tear ran down her face. “Come

on Stella, don’t cry,” she whispered to herself as she squeezed her eyes shut. She threw herself

back on the couch and let her curls fly all over the cushions. She breathed deeply and shut her

eyes again. A little boy with sandy colored hair suddenly flashed through her mind.

“Trevor,” Stella murmured as her face relaxed. A soft smile made its way to her lips and

her tears dried without her realizing it. Stella let the happy memory continue to play.

It was last summer – oh, it was a wonderful summer, she remembered. Trevor had just

gotten that new kick ball for his birthday, in maroon too. She had looked for ages to find one that

exact shade, one “the color of autumn mud from Trugger Creek” as Trevor always said. He had

been so thrilled when he opened her gift that he had run out of the house and forgotten to open

his other birthday presents. His ears were closed to the exasperated calls behind him and Stella

remembered laughing and running out of the house after him. They kicked the ball in the open

field by her house until the last drop of sunlight fell over the horizon. She had never seen him so

happy.

Stella sat up. Trevor was such a smart kid. He had that intelligent light in his eyes that

other people could just see. Like her parents, and her older sister too.

Stella pulled her phone out of her pocket and hit the first name on her speed dial.

“Hello?”

“Hey Megan.” Stella said. “Do you and Josh want to go to the river this weekend?”

Before she knew it, Stella was running around the banks of the Olentangy River with her

best friends for two glorious OSU-free days. Grad school was rough; it always had been. Usually

she could take it in stride but for now, a weekend away was just what she needed.

**********

2


She remembered watching the stars fall from their eyes. It had been third grade, the first

year they had standardized tests in school, and her parents couldn’t wait to see her scores.

“Now honey don’t go bragging to your friends about your grades,” her mom had said,

glancing at her in the rear-view-mirror. “It’s not tasteful and frankly you can’t help but shine.”

She looked back towards the road. “It’s in your blood.”

Stella couldn’t remember her response. Maybe she was proud like her mom and tossed

her head. Maybe she tried to be humble and simply ran her figures through her hair. Truthfully,

Stella thought that most likely she had stared out the window in silence.

**********

Stella watched the outside world fly. Just as soon as the weekend had started it had

ended. She laid her head down, tired but content and stared at the autumn trees. It was amazing

what a few days in this beautiful creation could do. She smiled and let her cheek sink even

further in the nook of her elbow.

“Come on, Stel, wake up!” Megan reached back and hit Stella’s knee.

Stella jumped and hit her head on the window. She winced and attempted to rub her head

through her mass of curls. “Hey, I had a stressful test Friday, ok?” Stella said, her face still

distorted with pain.

“Oh, so this one actually warranted stress?” Josh said. Her dark-haired friend focused on

the road before him. He was a good driver, Stella thought.

Megan rolled her eyes. “Come on, Josh quit giving her a hard time. Even little Miss

Straight-A’s here has to experience these feelings every once and a while.” Megan winked back

at Stella.

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Stella blushed and turned her face away. She really hated it when the conversation went

this direction.

“Ah! Home sweet home!” Josh said as large tawny-bricked buildings loomed in the

distance. “Last stop: Ohio State University.”

The three of them sat in silence each enjoying their last few minutes of campus-free life.

Last night, they had enjoyed a starry evening vacant of light pollution. It was back to reality the

moment Josh parked his Mustang and cut the engine.

“Well guys,” Stella sighed, opening the door. “This was fun but I have to be getting home

now.”

“What’s the rush?” Megan said, “We can at least grab something at the dining hall before

plunging back into school work.”

“I’d love to, really,” Stella said grabbing her purse and fumbling around on the car floor

for her jacket, “but I promised Trevor that I’d call an hour ago.”

“Oh, all right,” Megan said as she got out of the car herself. “Tell the little guy hi for me

ok?”

“Send my regards,” Josh murmured digging in the trunk for something.

Stella hardly heard him. She was halfway out of the parking garage at that point.

She sat on the first bench she could find and put her phone to her ear before she even sat

down. It didn’t finish the first ring.

“Stella!” The voice of the eleven-year-old boy lit up the phone.

“Hey Trevor!” Stella said feeling her heart lighten. “How are you?”

“I’m great! I’ve missed you!” he said. “Dad sent me another tool kit yesterday!”

“Really?” she said. “Send me a picture!”

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“No I want to surprise you! You’ll see the completed version at the science fair in a

couple of months.” Stella could hear the pride in his voice.

Suddenly Stella’s heart dropped. “Trevor, when is that again?”

“First week of December, December the second. It’s a Wednesday.”

Stella ripped open her backpack and flipped through her planner. That date sounded

alarmingly familiar. Tears pricked her eyes when she finally located the elusive box on her

calendar.

“Trevor…” her voice broke.

“You’re coming, right?” Trevor sensed the stress in her voice. “You promised.”

“Trevor I know what I said, it’s just that-”

“Dad’s not coming.”

Stella froze. “What?” She let out a breath.

“He said the company wants him to stay in Tokyo four more months and he can’t afford

to lose any time coming home in between.” His voice trailed off. “Or something like that.” He

added quickly.

Stella’s heart broke for him. “I’m so sorry Trevor.”

“It’s ok,” he said. “He’s always told me mom was the science person anyways. You

know she majored in engineering?” he said.

Stella grinned. “Yes, you’ve told me.”

“Mechanical engineering,” he said. “just like I want to do.”

Stella chuckled. The wind pulled at her curls.

“I miss her,” he said.

“I know,” Stella whispered. “And don’t worry Trevor, I’ll be there.”

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“Really?” he said. “You’ll still come?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she said. “Trevor, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you soon

though, ok?”

“Ok,” he said. “I’ll tell your parents you said hi.”

“You do that,” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you too! Bye!”

She put down the phone and tugged her sweater over her palms. “Dang it,” she said. She

looked down at her planner.

Final Exam J 612, Usage and Grammar

The National AP Style Book Usage and Grammar Exam. This exam was between every

Journalism grad and their Master’s degree. She had put off J 612 as until her final year of

graduate school and that test was creeping up on her faster than ever. And it was the exact same

day as Trevor’s science fair.

Stella put her head in her hands.

***********

The words looked blurred. They had never looked blurred before! Maybe it was because

her heartbeat was too loud. It felt like she might catch her heart in the palm of her hand it was

pounding so hard.

She glanced up from the standardized test and peaked through her curls. The rest of her

classmates were bubbling away in a furry of wiggling pencils and squeaky erasers. Her eyes

subconsciously darted to her third-grade teacher (for she knew she was never supposed to look

up from her “own work”) and was she was met with a stern look. Stella quickly stared back at

her own test and mouthed the words on her paper.

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Answer the following questions by selecting the best synonym for each given word.

Synonyms. Stella knew synonyms. But what would a synonym for ‘Perplexed’ be? Would

it be ‘(A) alarmed’? Or ‘(C) embarrassed’? Stella had felt embarrassed when she was

perplexed before. But wait – that’s not what synonym means. She supposed ‘(B) puzzled’ was

similar, but were synonyms really similar? Or was something a synonym if it just kind of fit in

the same category? Then it would be ‘(C) embarrassed’. Stella’s cheeks felt hot. She thought to

herself that suddenly she felt embarrassed and she was pretty sure it was because she was

perplexed.

“Time’s up!” the teacher said.

Stella looked down at her lap miserable. Now she was perplexed, with a headache, and

was certain she had no idea what the word ‘synonym’ meant.

**********

The next day was spent mostly in the library. Even though Stella didn’t have a test

anytime soon she knew her grades wouldn’t stand a chance if she didn’t start studying now.

Today she had been lucky enough to find a corner of Winston Library on the first floor. She

liked studying here because it was private and out-of-view so she had little to no chance of

seeing one of her friends. As much as she loved them, she couldn’t study with them. They would

always ask her questions or complement her on her diligence and she hated it.

After middle school, she had stopped sharing her grades. Stella just couldn’t stomach

seeing shock on another’s face when she showed them the “C” or “D” and the not-so-uncommon

“F”. “But you studied so hard,” they would say. Like she didn’t know that. Stella had accepted

defeat long ago so she decided it would be better for everyone if she just kept her grades to

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herself. Ironically, everyone assumed she was just being modest and labeled her ‘the smart kid’

in class. Stella never corrected them, preferring the lie to the shame of the truth.

Stella sighed. That was also a large part of the reason she went into journalism. In that

field, she could focus on other people’s successes and failures instead of her own. Honestly it

was a miracle OSU had let her in for undergrad not to mention a grad school. She supposed they

must’ve really liked her essays about always ‘doing your best’ even if sometimes it was to no

avail. Stella slammed the book she was reading shut. She blushed as a few eyes fell her way. She

had closed it harder than she thought, she was just frustrated. Her shoulders slumped. I should

just go get something to eat, she thought.

Stella left the library and headed for her favorite café on campus; The Lemontree. After

she had polished off the last drop in her large latte she felt like she was able to think again.

“Stella?”

Stella looked up. A middle-aged woman with short silver hair and a small smile walked

over to her table.

“Hi Professor Faye,” Stella said. “You’re welcome to sit down.”

“I think I will, thank you,” Dr. Faye said. “Let me just go grab a pastry first.”

Stella shook her head Dr. Faye always did have a sweet tooth. She had been Stella’s

favorite professor sophomore year of her undergrad. Dr. Faye taught her Introduction to

Reporting class and tutored her one-on-one throughout the semester to help her get through it.

Stella had made a “A-” in that class, the highest grade she had ever made in her memory.

Dr. Faye sat down and began munching on her croissant. “So, how’s everything going in

your life? I just can’t believe you’re a graduate student now!”

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Stella nodded. “The semesters been going ok. Honestly I can’t believe I’m almost done.”

Stella paused. “The Usage and Grammar exam is coming up though,” she said.

“Ah yes, the most dreaded exam in the Journalism program.” Dr. Faye gazed out the

window. “How are you feeling about it?”

Stella rubbed her forehead. “I think you know the answer to that.”

Dr. Faye glanced back at her and smiled gently. “You still have plenty of time to prepare.

The exam isn’t for another two months.”

“You’re right,” Stella said. “But even with all my preparation and extra tutoring I’m still

going to need to focus my mind one hundred percent on the exam.”

“Well that shouldn’t be an issue,” the professor said, “you’ve never lacked in

determination.”

Stella bit her lip. “I may have a conflict,” she said.

“Stella, you know you can’t reschedule that exam,” Dr. Faye said as she took a bite of her

croissant.

“Well I wouldn’t have too,” Stella said.

The professor set down her pastry and gave Stella her full attention. “I’m confused,” she

said, “explain.”

Stella took a deep breath. “I think he needs me,” she said.

“You mean Trevor?” Dr. Faye said. Stella had practically told the professor everything

about her life. She knew all about Trever. That his mother had died in child birth, that his father

was always away, that he stayed with her family the majority of the year – she even knew how

much he loved science. “What gave you that impression” the woman said.

“He wants me to go to his science fair,” Stella said.

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“He wants to go all the way back to Tennessee for that?” The professor genuinely

seemed surprised. “He knows how important it is for you to focus while you’re here.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Stella said. “I mean, that’s basically what I wanted to tell him,”

she said. “I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Oh, I don’t know Stella,” the professor said.

“This is different for Trevor, it means more than other events at his school. I think I

understand,” Stella said. “It’s the event of the fifth grade. Trevor’s been looking forward to it

since he found out about it in the third grade!”

“Goodness gracious what kind of child looks forward to a science fair for two years?”

“Trevor does!” Stella said wringing her hands through her hair. “He’s been working on

his project since summer!”

“Goodness,” Dr. Faye said quietly.

“There’s just no one else, you know,” Stella said.

“I know,” the woman said.

“And I’ve been there for him and he’s been there for me-” Stella stopped abruptly, “-you

know since my parents basically stopped talking to me.”

The two women sat in silence. The wind rustled the trees outside and the aroma of

espresso filled the air as the next group of students shuffled in the café. Stella pulled her sleeves

over her arms.

For a moment, all was quiet.

“I’ll help you,” Dr. Faye said suddenly. “I’ll help you prepare for the exam. I think you

should do it – go to him.”

*********

10


Merely a couple of months later the scores came in. She remembered her parents sitting

at the kitchen table smiling and slowly opening the envelope together. She had watched as their

smiles faded to scowls.

“Hello? Yes? Yes hi,” her father practically shouted into the phone. “There’s been a

mistake with my daughter’s scores.”

Her mother paced back and forth through the kitchen. She was growling.

“No, I don’t care,” he said. “Then get me someone who has the authority to disclose that

information!”

“Do you need me to talk to them?” Her mom was done feigning patience. “Let me talk

to them!”

He waved her back irritated. “I got this,” he hissed.

The scores weren’t wrong. Her parents hardly spoke to her for a month after that. They

didn’t look at her unless they had to. Their daughter who was supposed to someday rise to

change the world was nothing but some “below average” eight-year-old.

“Stella.” Stella looked up from the kitchen table at her older AIG sister standing in the

doorway. Her parents looked too. “You’re not smart.”

To Stella, the worst thing wasn’t what she had said, but what her parents didn’t say. And

they didn’t breathe a word to correct her.

*********

It was the day before the exam. Stella and Dr. Faye had been working around the clock

and Stella had just stepped off the plane. Tennessee. She couldn’t believe she was back here

already. More so, she couldn’t believe she was actually doing this. I’m mere hours away from

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my exam, losing sleep and the ability to last-minute cram. Stella suddenly felt hot. What am I

doing.

“Stel, over here!”

Stella looked up to see her older sister Hazel waiving next to baggage claim. She already

had Stella’s floral suitcase in hand.

Stella walked over. “Let’s go,” Hazel said.

The car ride was quiet for a while. “You’re really not going to tell mom and dad you’re

here?” Hazel said.

Stella shook her head. “They’d just question my work ethic. I’m not putting up with it

this time.”

Hazel nodded. “What time is Trevor’s science fair tomorrow?”

“Bright and early,” Stella said. “Thank God. It’ll give me barely enough time to get back

to OSU for my exam.”

Hazel said nothing for a minute. “You really care about Trevor.”

Stella looked over in shock. “Well of course, don’t you?”

“Yeah, obviously, don’t be dumb,” she said. “But you’re passionate about children Stella,

you’d jump in front of a car for any of them, not just Trevor, any child. Remember when you

used to volunteer with kids at that little church during the summers? You’d go on and on about

it.”

“I guess I did,” Stella said. “I never thought about it that way before. But Hazel, you’re

brilliant! I’d give anything to be like that.”

12


“There’s a big difference between brilliance and passion Stella.” Hazel starred at the

road. “Why do you think I left home at eighteen? I couldn’t stand the pressure. I was constantly

being preened to be the next most influential woman in America or whatever.”

Stella was dumbfounded.

“No Stel,” Hazel said, “I’d have given anything to be like you. When it comes to

children, or doing something that you clearly believe in, that’s where you shine.”

********

The next morning was a blur and before Stella could blink the sisters were walking into

the Westwood Elementary gym.

“Oh, where is he?” Stella said. She tugged on her sleeves as she looked anxiously around

the crowd of trifolds, parents, and fifth graders.

“Stella, Stella, Stella!”

Stella let out an involuntary gasp as a little body suddenly ran right into her. “Trevor!”

she said, pulling him into a tighter hug.

A grinning sandy-haired boy with freckles looked up at her. “You made it!” In that

moment, everything was worth it. The stress, the cramming, the extra hours, the money, all of it

– because she could hear the bursting joy in his voice at her being here.

Trevor turned and looked at her sister. “Hey Hazel, what’s up?”

“Not much.” She smirked. “What’s up with you squirt.”

“Don’t call me squirt, and come see my i8 engine!” Trevor dragged Stella to his trifold

where he then proceeded to proudly present more facts than Stella knew existed about cars.

Apparently, this BMW i8 was one of the more affordable sports cars and could go up to 160

miles per hour. On top of that, it was evidently Trevor’s “dream car” and the little guy had built a

13


model engine out of some Lego robotics kit his dad had sent him. It was painted, labeled, and

even somehow had engine sounds coming out of it. Stella didn’t understand half of what he said

but nothing could’ve lessened her pride.

She and Hazel clapped loudly as he finished and she swore her heart grew twice in size at

his smile.

“Well I think this calls for some fro yo!” Stella said.

“No Stel, not yet.” Trevor suddenly looked very serious. “The judges still haven’t come

by my table and then I have to wait for them to announce the winner!”

“Oh well, that is important,” Stella said. “Listen Trevor, I have to go back to Ohio now,

but I’ll get that yogurt with you in a week when I come home for winter ok?”

“You’re not going to stay until they announce the winner?” Trevor said. Stella could

hardly bear the disappointment she saw setting in his face.

“I’ll stay Trev.” Hazel pulled Trevor into a side hug. “Stella has a really important test in

a couple of hours but she’ll be back soon.”

Trevor’s eyes widened. “You have a test today?” he said. “And you came anyways?”

“Of course, you know you mean the world to me,” Stella said, and at that Trevor smiled.

“I’ll call a Lyft to take you back to the airport. Here,” Hazel tossed her keys to Stella.

“Go get your suitcase out of my car. Be on the curb and waiting so you can just go when it gets

here. I’ll pay the guy.”

Stella looked at her sister gratefully. “Thanks Hazel. And Trevor, we’ll get that frozen

yogurt soon, I promise. Text me the moment the judges announce the winner, ok?”

Trevor leapt and gave Stella one more hug. “I will. I love you.”

14


“I love you too.” Stella squeezed Trevor and then hugged her sister. “I’ll see you both in

a week. Wish me luck!”

********

Stella walked out of the exam room groggy and in desperate need of a nap. Two hours in

the airport, a one hour flight, and a five-hour degree-determining final later and she felt beyond

wiped out. She thought it had gone ok though. She was able to answer the definitional questions

with little to no problem (Dr. Faye had made certain of that) and the application questions hadn’t

gone half bad either. She had managed to not panic the majority of the exam either.

She had even maybe, just maybe made a grade somewhere in the B range. One thing she

knew for sure though: she had definitely passed, and for the first time in a long time, she actually

felt happy with herself. For better or for worse, she had done her best. Besides, there’s more to

life than grades, or intellect for that matter.

Indescribable relief coursed through her veins as she finally closed the door to her

apartment and threw herself on her bed. She had done it. The last seemingly impossible barrier to

her degree had vanished. She’d send an email to Dr. Faye as soon as she got her energy back.

Stella checked her phone and chuckled. There were eight messages from Trevor. Little to

her surprise, Trevor had taken home the blue ribbon. Really, she had zero surprise. Trevor had by

far attempted the most complex project in the building.

She scrolled through the emojis and exclamation points and saved all the pictures he had

sent to her phone. She’d call him in a minute, right after she took a much-needed shower.

She walked into the bathroom and paused as she passed the mirror. She looked at her

reflection.

15


Years later, whenever Trevor would call her discouraged with one thing or another in his

ambitious engineering pursuits she would tell him that story. Because, she would always say,

that was the day she saw the stars return to her eyes.

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