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Fire From HeavenU.S. Government’s New “Death Blimp” Will Incinerate Illegal Border-Crossers with Precision Lasers Fired From the Edge of Space

“Who needs a wall?”

New Gay Media Outlet Outs Old Gay Media Outlet as “Totally Not That Gay”

Old Gay Media Outlet Retorts: “Here First and Queer First”It started as a simple politically motivated hit job. As reported by the Reader’s Don Bauder, San Diego Gay and Lesbian News, published by Jonathan Hale (boyfriend to Republican city councilman Carl DeMaio), went after Michael Portantino, publisher of Gay and Lesbian Times, for alleged financial mis-management. Around the same time, district attorney Bonnie Dumanis launched an investi-gation into possible circulation fraud at GLT. For his part, Por-

tantino is suing former employee Tim Marzullo for alleged breach of confidentiality. (Gay and Les-bian Times has frequently been critical of the current San Diego administration in general, and of DeMaio in particular.)

Then things got ugly. Approached by SD on the QT during a recent LL Bear night at Rich’s, SDGLN editor-in-chief Ken Williams sniffed, “The GLT? Strictly Flintstones — ‘We’ll have a gay old time,’ emphasis on the ‘old.’ We are the LGBT

community’s voice of the future. And you know the saddest part? The GLT is totally not that gay anymore. It’s no accident that they moved from University Heights to Mission Valley. Maybe they can have editorial meetings over lunch at Chili’s?”

Reached for comment, GLT editor Christina MacNeal was quick to respond. “We were here first, and we were queer first. SDGLN is the new fish in the

pond and figures the best way to make a splash is to go after the old guard, the people who were alive before the Hanky Code was available as an app on iTunes. The people who spoke up back when speaking up wasn’t cool or even safe. Let me be clear: no matter how old Gay & Lesbian Times may be, we are totally, totally 100% gay. Besides, the hot spinach-and-artichoke dip at Chili’s is actually really good.”

The News You Won’t Find Anywhere Else

In a historic collaboration between the U.S. Department of Defense, the U.S. Border Patrol, the U.S. Navy, defense contractor Lockheed Martin, and SPECTRE director Ernst Stavro Blofeld, a new super-blimp is being developed for use along the U.S.-Mexico border.*

Following upon the suc-cessful deployment of several U.S. Navy–built surveillance blimps — which have proven to be capable of detecting the motion of a desert scorpion as it raises its poison tail to strike at one of its own young, to say nothing of illegal immigrants bent on destroying the Ameri-can economy — SD on the QT has learned that the Pentagon has authorized Project Snoopy, a super-blimp that will make the move from simple surveillance to a rigorous enforcement of U.S. immigration policy.

While the Navy blimps are conventional dirigibles that cruise through the sky at around 4000 feet, the Snoopy — powered by solar cells and

capable of flights lasting over 10 years — will look down on the border from 12 miles above the earth. Despite this incredible altitude, according to schematics purloined from SPECTRE head-quarters inside a volcano some-where in the Caribbean, newly developed targeting technologies will allow the Snoopy to maintain pinpoint accuracy when firing its deadly lasers.

In a leaked memo from SPECTRE director Blofeld to an as-yet-unidentified con-tact within the Pentagon, the Snoopy is hailed as “the first step in a journey that will finally put an end to unauthor-ized — er, illegal activity along America’s borders.”

*Also, everywhere else.

Walter Mencken’s

Snoopy demonstrates its illegal alien zapping power.

Seriously, you should try it.

GAY SAN DIEGO POLITICIANS EDITION

In The Spanish Prisoner, Campbell Scott descended into a nightmare world of corpo-rate deception and greed.

Christine Kehoe snagged a Senate seat in Sacramento.

In 2008, Carl DeMaio got himself elected to the San Diego City Council.

Delta Burke starred in Designing Women

Catherine O’Hara snagged a voice role in Where The Wild Things Are.

City commissioner Nicole Murray Ramirez “con-siders herself a gay man who at times does drag.”

SD ON THE QTSan Diego’s LGBT Community Youth Center Sponsors “Camp Camp”; Summer Getaway Will Teach Underprivileged, Inner-City Youth Appreciation of Kitsch, Divas, and Musical Theater

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