Volume LXXXII NSO 2007 Issue OneEEddiittoorriiaall SSttaaffff

Punch would like to thank $AC, Smoke’s,Greek Lady, our generous alums and the 400.Heretofore nonwithstanding: By continuingto read said magazine (“Punch Bowl”), you,the reader, waive the right to sue, takeoffense, cower in fear, spontaneously com-bust, swear fealty, and date. If you don't findPunch Bowl funny, blame it on SAC and stopwriting for The Daily Pennsylvanian.

© Punch Bowl 2007

Editors-in-Chief:Alexander G. King ‘08Rahul M. Sharodi ‘09

Executive Editor:Johnny McNulty ‘07.5Jonathan Weinblatt ‘08

Managing Editors:Matthew Fox ‘07 Kevin Kimura ‘08Michelle Zimmerman ‘08

Associate Editors:Shane Tepper ‘09Walker Hawkins ‘10Jotham Klein ‘10Alex Jacobson ‘10

Queen of all Layout:Jana Hirsch ‘10

Spoons:Connie Mietus ‘09 John Bninski ‘09

Emily McGrath ‘09Sri Kothur ‘09Anya Mezina ‘09Christine Weller ‘09Colleen Wilson ‘09Peter Richman ‘09Tatiana Aparicio ‘10Chris Kemendo ‘10Rish Chaudhuri ‘10

See page 6.

We admit, we’re

Hello Customers!

Welcome to the University of Pennsylvania, Class of '11! Thatisn't the most catchy graduation name, I mean, 'Class of eleven'is a little weak, but what can you do? At least it rhymes with“heaven,” “Senator Carl Levin” and “Lucky Number Slevin”(that movie rawked!). LOL!

I know that you kids are at least a little bit nervous to be awayfrom home. And I also that NSO can be a big hassle, and it’sfilled with all sorts of booooring, pointless seminars, like howto report a rape (“No” doesn’t always mean no, am I rightladies?) So I wanted to give you some advice from stuff I’velearned in my THREE whole years at Penn (Woo Class of ’08!):

1) Firstly and most importantly, have fun! There’s so much foryou to experience at Penn over the next few years. I know you’re extremely intelligent and the kindof person I probably picked on when I was in High School (NERDS!)- but don't worry, at Pennthere is a healthy anti-intellectual air, so get used to it. Even though all of our students can easi-ly discuss philosophy, literature or physics, many of them pretend to be dumb college stereotypesinterested only in beer and Dan Brown novels. Oh god, please let them be pretending.

2) Speaking of smarts, you kids got a lot of them, so be confident in yourself!! After all, we onlyaccepted you after rigorously considering your academic ability, intellectual passion, and ability topay us $40,000 dollars a year. If you're reading this, you passed! It may seem strange that we grillyou so much about coming here, since you're the ones with the money, but as long as we have areputation of exclusivity, you’ll understand. And don't worry, it’s seriously just a reputation: you'llquestion how 'exclusive' Penn is when you step into Econ recitation.

3) Finally, take advantage of all of the opportunities Penn has to offer. We here at Penn have atreasure chest of things to keep you kiddies occupied while we use your money to renovate theDueling Tampons! We have student groups ranging from frats and sororities to all-jewish/asian/satanic a capella groups (my fav is Penn SixSixSix!), so there is truly something foreveryone here. And, of course, if you don’t make the cut, you can always found a campus eroti-ca magazine or something.

So let me be the latest person to welcome you to the warm, friendly, and generally ghetto-fabu-lous life at Penn. Just sit back, relax, and try to conserve a few brain cells for senior year.

Hugs, Kisses, and Disney Princess Unicorns,Dr. Amy Gutmann

“A-Gut”

Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07

Letter From the President

1

PUNCHBOWL

How to Tell if you Have a Bad Roomate

2

Differences Between Highschool and CollegeYour Face Covered in acne Covered in coke

Age on "Your" License 21 21

School Sports Shitty and pointless Grand, storied history of being shitty andpointless

Soul Chicken Soup for the Teenage James Brown

Penn Fourth Choice Harsh, harsh reality

Orientation Straight Desperate

Crushes Throwing stones at Sarah’s window Being tried as an adult

Pick Up Line So, you wanna go to a movie or something? So, you wanna black out at Beta or some-thing?

Fantasy Threesome... two girls Threesome... two dudes

Illegal Activities Loitering Downloading Nickelback albums

Saturday Night Playing monopoly with your parents Playing monopoly by yourself

Outlook For the Future I don’t need to worry about what I’m gonna do with mylife, there’s so much left to learn!

I need to be a financial consultant until I die

Favorite Choice of Dumb Kids PE PPE

Family Guy Favorite DVD You, in nine months

Missing First Period Detention on saturday Appointment at the abortion clinic

High School College

There's no way to know from first impressions how your relationship with your roommate (or with the minority community) will turn out, but if they saythe following, you might be in for a long year:

Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07 3

Rejected Portions of the Penn Application

PUNCHBOWL

Although there are many professors at Penn, they're really just variations on a few basic themes. We have identi-fied eight basic professor strains, and once you have mastered them, you're well on your way to a perfect GPA.Granted, there are exceptions; Gwen Eudey is in a class of her own, but these will cover you most of the way.

Prof

esso

r A

rche

type

s

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The Student’s ProfessorA real man of the people. This energetic 40-year-old on the brink of a mid-life crisis loves to showoff how hip he is. This professor adds Harry Frankfurt's "On Bullshit" to the reading list, even thoughhe's teaching biochemistry. He eschews the boring lecture seat for a perch atop the desk, with legsdangling to show his youthful exuberance. Ultimately, the guy tries way too hard to make the class fun,and you pass the course without learning anything.

The Hot in a Weird WayOften found with black-rimmed glasses and a changing hairstyle, this professor of ambiguous age is,actually, kinda hot. Probably accomplished, but definitely out of your league, you'll find this surpris-ingly sexy prof flirting with you before class from time to time. Her riveting lectures make you con-sider an English major, but you always wonder whether it's appropriate for you to be getting an exten-sion in class. You often contemplate whether my lady doth "profess" too much.

The Grad Student, Who Also TeachesThis vacuous servant of academia truly illustrates how easy it must be to get a PhD nowadays. Sureshe went to Yale, wrote a book, published in obscure journals and is an expert in medieval literature,but she doesn't really know much outside of the world of Camelot. So what does she do in your crim-inology class? Bake prison-jumpsuit-orange muffins, and throw a party for the students showing lawand order reruns of course! Bottom line, she's no more qualified to teach than you are.

The ‘He Has a Secret and You’re the Only One he Can Trust’ ProfessorNever clear whether he's really hiding magical artifacts from the Nazis, has the goods on a CIA coupabout to go down, or knows about aliens. Perhaps he is simply trying to molest you in his office. Youmust pass the class to know for sure. But no matter what this maven of mystery reveals, you mayunder no circumstances tell the department chair. That is, not unless you want to by molested by mag-ical alien Nazi reformers.

The Inscrutable ForeignerThis species surfaces a lot here at Penn, which has quite a large international student and faculty pop-ulation. Brilliant professors are handpicked from all corners of the world. Unfortunately, this bril-liance is overshadowed by an inability to speak any English. The hallowed information they're paid todivulge is obfuscated by their mastery of some strange and unintelligible language. Ultimately, you endup teaching them more than they can possibly convey to you about advanced algebra.

The Sex OffenderThis vile monster is the worst type of human trash: someone who uses their position of power to lurehonest students into exploitative illicit relationships. Conveniently, you know how to deal with thiscreep due to your extensive experience with your high school gym teacher. If you have relatives in lawenforcement, this professor can be anyone who gives you a bad grade.

The Absurdly Accomplished ProfessorWith any number of Nobel, Field and Pulitzer Prizes tucked into his corduroy jacket, this professoris way too qualified to be teaching you. And thanks to the required reading of all his books, you'llnever forget it. Six TAs are needed to carry all of his Faculty Newsletter Recognitions to lecture. Andwhen his well-documented publishing rivalry with some professor at Yale is the subject of your finalexam essay, you'll wonder why you didn't just take astrology, I mean, astronomy, with your roommate.

Professor SnapeBetter known simply as "Snape," this sniveling bastard always tries his hardest to make you look fool-ish in front of the other students. But you'll never see him trying to mix dragon blood with phoenixfeather and concoct an elixir of life. Don't give Snape any cheek or it's detention for you for the restof the semester. He likes his arts like he likes his coffee: dark. Loves slytherin' around the class tryingto catch you doing something forbidden. Don't you ever trust him, because it will only come back tobite you ... or will it ... or won't it ... or will it ...

TThhee FFrreesshh PPrriinnccee ooff PPeennnnNow this is the story all about how

Life was looking up, no sweat on my brow.I'd like to take a moment just to lecture you son About how my life is easy and how it was won.

West of Philadelphia born and raised On the Main Line is where I spent most of my days.

Sunning out, relaxing, down by the pool Playing tennis at the club everyday after school.

When a couple of guys who were up to no good Started selling pot in my neighborhood.

I took one little puff and my mom got scared And said "We're sending you to live and study at Deerfield."

I rode on Acela, and when I got near I could smell the aroma of Class in the air.

If anything I could say that this school was well heeled So I thought "fantastic, now I'm home at Deerfield."

I pulled B's in some classes (maybe seven or eight) And I cursed off some teachers, but I'll still graduate.With cap and gown in my hand I was ready right then

To sit on my throne in a Quad single at Penn.

Easiest and Hardest Classes at PennEasiest

ECON 000 - What GDP Stands ForNURS 227 - How being a nurse is nothing like theshow Scrubs MATH 001 - Addition and Subtraction (plussing andminusing)ENGL 165 - The Letter A In Literature And Grades NURS 001 - If you're scared of needles, give up now PSCI 199 - Amy Gutmann Has Books that need sell-ingHIST 003 - What you did on summer vacationMKTG 050 - Having a conscience doesn't equal sales KORN 105 - East Asian Metal BandsBIBB 055 - Feeding a toddlerCHIN 069 - Adding "in bed" following fortune cook-ie fortunesFNCE 049 - Eating At Greek Lady (Easy Because It'sSO Affordable!)ENGL 001 - Cursive Letters! GREK 101- Pledging!ENGL 012 - How You're a Poet, and You Weren'tEven Aware of It!

RUSS 007 - Defeating James BondNURS 228 - How nursing is exactly like Scrubs MATH 720 - Numbers aren't real. It was all a lie ENGL 389 - Essay Writing Without the Letter 'E'NURS 234 - Not Mentioning The Patient's ErectionPSCI 204 - Iraqi LiberationHIST 009 - Armwrestle Alan Kors ENVS321 - Stopping Global WarmingFNCE430 - Denying Global WarmingGAS 700 - Digesting Mexican-American CuisineTHAR 243 - Taking directions from Hillbillies FOLK 891 - Chuck Norris vs Jack Bauer: Who is theChampion?ENGR 344 - Understanding WomenENGR 500 - Square Peg/Round Hole CHEM 355 - One Of These Three Flasks Will KillYou ENGR 392 - Sex in the school of Engineering: Myth,Fiction, or Legend?MUSC 345 - Don't Fret - How to Not Break the GString while Fingering A Minor

Hardest

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STUDENT GOVERNMENTUndergraduate Assembly The UA is Penn's legislative branch and serves as a check on the execu-tive (Amy Gutmann) and judicial (AlliedBarton) branches. Its sole dutyis holding long meetings in which every decision requires a unanimousroll-call vote to pass. This system is so vulnerable to filibustering thatthe UA's most recent decision was to object to Gaylord ProbascoHarnwell's election to the office of University President… which hap-pened in 1953. The UA is comprised of 33 UPenn students, who haveto run for re-election every year. The term 're-election' is used looselyhere, since just like in prewar Iraq, all candidates run unopposed. TheUA has seen a string of scandals in recent years, ranging from the mys-terious disappearance of a freshman intern to the undue influence ofspecial interest groups. These organizations' flattery, lobbying, andknowledge of the UA's existence mean that their interests take prece-dence over the common student. The biggest lobbying groups include'Big Dining', the 'Frat Trust’, and Penn Masala.

Student Activities Council While the UA is elected, deliberative and useless, SAC is a malicious autoc-racy responsible for funding (or not funding) its terrified constituency ofstudent groups. Its board, dressed in black robes and frightening masks,meets every full moon to hear the pleas of student groups and to haveorgies a la Eyes Wide Shut. The leader of each student group is blindfold-ed and brought before the board, where he presents burnt offerings andsupplication, and begs for funding in the coming year. Standard protocolincludes sexual degradation and feces. While this system may seem archa-ic and needlessly spooky to some, none can resist the will of our primi-tive financial gods.

SPECSPEC makes sure that Penn retains the remnants of its institutional prideby occasionally bringing someone famous out to West Philly to speak.Lord knows Drexel can't. They deserve credit because Penn hasn't exact-ly done a stellar job of creating exciting alumni. William Henry Harrison?Dead. John Legend? Might as well be. Maury Povich? Actually-I'd go tosee him. SPEC also selects band for Spring Fling. Though it's hard toimagine a worse choice than Sonic Youth, know that they are hard atwork. London Symphony Orchestra? Garfunkle sans Simon? LimpBizkit?

Class BoardsWoohooooooooooooo!! Class boards make sure that EVERYONE ishaving an AWESOME time at PENN and are having FUN hanging outwith their CLASS with who they are TOTALLY BONDING!! YEAH!!Anyone for some novelty sunglasses or inflatable ELECTRIC GUI-TARS?!?! SWEET!! Who wants a CLASS OF 2011 TSHIRT?!?! Howabout FREE cheesesteaks?!?! Because now we're in PHILLY and inPHILLY we eat CHEESESTEAKS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!And like…we're in COLLEGE so we all love FREE FOOD!!! Let's allgo DANCING and do the MACARENA and ELECTRIC SLIDE!!Because we're now TOO OLD for that, but now it's IRONIC and there-fore AWESOME because we're being lame, but now we're AWARE thatwe're being lame so that's SWEEEEEEET!!! Wooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!! Class boards RULE!!

SCUE and NECAlso exist.

Be UnderhandedBribery in cash, kind, or sexual favors. It really doesn't matterhow ugly you are. Convince foreign students they'll be deport-ed if they don't vote for you. Also, spend more on tape andglitter, and campaign before legally allowed. It won't affect theelection, but it'll keep the DP occupied for a couple days.Change Your NameWhen the polls open, it'll just be the voters andCampusExpress. They won't remember any of your ridiculousposters or paid UTV13 campaign spots. They'll simply vote forwhoever has the most memorable name. Before running forstudent government, consider changing your name to "JamesFuck-Princeton III" to ensure victory.The People Love a RebelSteal the Helmet cart from the football team and drag the but-ton around campus. This will burn your rebellious image intoyour voters' memories. That isn't a metaphor. Use fire.Sex SellsIf you find you're doing poorly at the polls, screw someone ina 23rd story window of Rodin until someone from the DPnotices you and takes pictures. Everyone votes for the honest

candidate, and it's ok to honestly like sex in a 23rd story win-dow.Speak in GeneralitiesMake sure you state what you stand for: 'Giving students' avoice', 'making the school better', 'definitely not running just soyou can put it on your resume', and other vague half-truths noone will believe.Promises are FreeNo one knows what the student government actually does,your fellow freshman least of all. So make wild campaignpromises, like making tuition free, grades always As, and non-stop hardcore pornography run year round on UTV13.Have a Balanced PlanA strong leader needs to have an strong foreign policy. BashDrexel.Enjoy the PerksLobby for the "strict separation" between the classes, particu-larly by playing on people's fears of upperclassmen having"relations" with "pure, '11 women" but also ensure that studentgovernment's fearless and virile leaders retain pick of thenubile '12ers.

The Branches

HOW TO GET ELECTEDNothing beats winning a popularity contest. When running for UA or class boards, you'll never be called upon to give a speech, meet withvoters, or ever make any sort of statement of your goals or views. Your election will depend entirely on attention-whoring tricks, some ofwhich we've listed below.

Volume LXXXII, NSO ‘07 7

Never Double Check Your SourcesIf there is anything we have learned in the Digital Age, it is thatfact-checking is for pussies. Your relationship with Wikipediashould be built on trust. With Bluetooth, iPods, and Paris HiltonSex Tapes aplenty, taking all that time to look back and make sureyour information is credible seems like a caveman's dilemma. Inorder to get with the times, Wikipedia has ensured that anyone canwrite anything in the guise of academic writing.Sabotage the 'PediaBack in the day, Whartonites used to stick it to peers by hidinglibrary books or cutting pages out of them-but that's a relic from abygone age when cola cost a nickel and people cared about thefootball team and their brother man. If you want a leg-up on yourpeers today, deface Wikipedia pages relevant to the course! It's nogood replacing every other word with "boobs" though, asWikipedia's lifeless editors will catch that. No, try subtly messing updates, changing names around, or replacing every other word with"mammary glands."Declare Wiki-WarThere are a lot of chumps that write entries for Wikipedia whocould use a good intellectual smack. Luckily, due to Wikipedia'sgoal to become the Internet's creepy academic orgy, you can write

whatever you want to dispute said chumps' claims! After all, who ishe (and a 2001 issue of Entertainment Weekly) to say that LindsayLohan was born in 1986? At best, you get to irreversibly changepublic perception regarding a certain factual assertion, and atworst, your writing is preceded with "The Neutrality of this Articleis Disputed"...it's a win-win situation!Wikipedia does your Homework for YouOpen source your paper! Peer editing is the wave of the future, sowhy not write the paper of the future? Pass your paper around tofriends and have them fill in factual gaps, cite your sources, and per-haps politicize it just a little. In fact, if you feel the general publicis better qualified than you to address a topic of interest, just starta stub and let everyone else fill out the details.Wiki YourselfIs your paper just a list of personal opinions about why theVietnamese had it coming for having a population which wouldhave majority voted for the communists? Don't shirk away fromusing those convictions as points of hard data! Create a Wiki foryourself describing you as a prodigy scholar on Southeast Asianaffairs then Photoshop some photos of you, Alan Greenspan andAlan Kors high-fiving. Hopefully your name will also be Alan.Anyway, then cite yourself and the books you wrote.

HOW TO USE WIKIPEDIA

THE OMNIVORE’S DILEMMA?Now that you've presumably read and mastered the solution to the Omnivore's Dilemma, the university holds many morePollan dilemmas in need of your deductive reasoning prowess. Please, save us from certain bewilderment by decoding thesemysteries of life. Without you we are surely lost.

PUNCHBOWL

Why You’ll Hate Penn in 2011When you first arrive at Penn, you'll probably love it. But by thetime you graduate in 2011, you'll have found plenty of reasonsto hate Penn. Here are some:

That nice lady at Commons doesn't ACTUALLY care how youdoin', babyWawa will hire ten full-time drunk kids to stand in front of you

in line whenever you go to buy a meatball subPeople will still be able to wear Uggs with a straight faceA capella groups will start to rap.The Theater Major is dropped from curriculum after exposi-

tion of rampant performance enhancement drug use by audi-ence.

Donald Trump, Maury Povich, and Melissa Rivers will still bePenn Alumni.

You will still not really know which Le Anh is the real, real LeAnh. For real.

It doesn't matter how many trees they put in front of the high-rises, your umbrella/skirt/anorexic roomate will still fly awaywhen you walk through the wind tunnel.

Frat parties will be running out of things to rhyme with "hos." Professor Robb will be moving from "killtacular" to "running

riot."The party will still go nuts when they play Modest

Mouse/Sublime/The Killers.

8

PARTY ETIQUETTEDress for Success: Anyone can say they're from the Northeast, but it takes a trueNew Englander to dress the part. Seersucker shorts and poloshirts are the only acceptable garb. And don't forget the loafers(make sure they're casually semi-tied. Nothing says "I'm cool" likewearing really expensive shit poorly.)Travel in Packs: Freshmen are only allowed to walk to parties in a group witheveryone in their hall. West Philadelphia is a dangerous place andthere is safety in numbers. Like lions that will first take the youngor infirm, muggers will go after the weak of your hall. Make surethere are a lot of slutty high schoolers or asthmatic engineers inyour group and you’ll make it for sure.Introduce yourself in gruesome detail: You’re new! Penn is a really small school, so everyone at the partyis dying to meet you. First things first, you need to say you’re afreshman upfront, because it’s really hard to tell. Work your waythrough all the basics: Where are you from? Is your brother in afraternity? Do you want to be a banker, or do you want to com-plain about kids who want to be a banker? This is the informa-tion on which friendships are born, so make sure you work it allin to that first meeting.Demonstrate your intelligence: Nothing livens up a party like a few well-placed bon mots. Arethose frat guys lifting up the keg reminding you of the

Hobbesian state of nature? Are the girls at this party straight outof Hieronymus Bosch’s “Hell” panel of the Garden Of EarthlyDelights triptych? Then by all means, let that intellect swing free.This is the Ivy League; no one wants to be friends with a dumb-ass.Irony is Passé: Sorry, hipsters – apparently the hoi polloi caught on to the whole“being into things that suck because it’s funny” thing, so the real-ly cool kids aren’t doing that any more. Specifically, tight pants,plaid shirts, big glasses and flannel hats are just now done. Whatshould you be doing, you ask? Free love. If it’s one o’clock andeveryone isn’t in a sweaty heap on the floor or having a post-coitus discussion of the possibility of socialism in America, it’s asquare party.Don’t be afraid to take charge (of the music): When an iPod club playlist ends, a shockwave of panic shootsacross the room. No one wants the responsibility of having topick great songs that this party will love. Except you. Be sure toset the mood with a little Journey, transitioning into the hipsounds of Beck, and finally into the roaring Notorious B.I. Gfinale. Do you hear the sound of beer spilling and dudes makingout with fat chicks? If so, job well done, for you are a hero.Drink water: Just good, sound advice really.

Good grades don't get you drunk, high, or laid, so they're really pretty useless. Here's how to pass the party, which is basically life's final exam.