Volume 13 Humber 5 BLfiCKfiCRE Wednesday,

March 17, 1982

"all the news we feel like printing ..

ROME BECKONS by Laura Gitlin

A summer law program in Rome has been tentatively approved by the administration of Loyola University for the summer of 1983, according to Professor Thomas Haney.

rented out during the summer. The program would draw on the

resources of the city. Professor Haney said, "we hope to bring in guest lecturers - either Italian

lawyers and judges or U.S. attorneys with offices in Rome. We would also take advantage of the resources of the city by arranging tours of Italian courts."

While about fifteen law schools in the U.S. presently offer courses overseas during the summers, there is only one other program offered in Rome. It is offered by Temple University Law School. "We think Loyola can offer a strong program because of the good contacts the Rome Center has developed with the government and people in Italy," said Haney.

Four courses will be offered employing regular law school facul­ty. There will probably be a com­bination of standard law school courses and comparative or interna­tionallaw course. The students will have the option of taking one or two courses.

While the program will be open to law students at any A.B.A. ac­credited law school, Professor Haney said he hopes that there will be a substantial Loyola contingent.

The program will ·use Loyola University's Rome Center which was founded in 1962 and moved to a new campus closer to downtown Rome. Currently, undergrad courses are available both semesters but the dormitory, library and classroom facilities have been photos by Lori Guzzo

Jimmy Does -Jazz Exclusive by Tim Heath

Blackacrehas recently obtained this. photograph in connection with its cursory in­vestigation of the school's financial situation. The picture was found in Crain's Chicago Business for March 8, 1982. Crain's did' not identify the person in the photograph but did s~y that he was a member of a jazz group call­ed Jazz Members Big Band, shown during a ·benefit concert.

In a vigilant effort to write another scur­rilous story (for which this paper is now famous) Dean Jim Faught was asked if he was the man in the picture. He refused to confirm or deny the rumor - an obvious admission of guilt. (It should be noted that newspapers are only bound by the First Amendment, not the Fifth.)

In light of Dean Faught's admission of guilt, he was not asked why the assistant dean of the law school was performing a benefit concert with a jazz group. Instead, Blackacre's clever writers conducted an illusory investigation to amass the facts to support its conclusions.

It is no secret that Dean Faught is selflessly devoted to the law school. He is always around to move tables, chairs and other heavy equipment, or to cater the wine and cheese parties. Who else but a very devoted person would go through seven years of education so that he could work as a glorified janitor?

The musical interests of the group also sup­plied another clue to the mystery. Jazz and blues have long been associated with the poorer segments of society. When combined with Dean Faught's devotion and the fact that the group has done several performances, in· eluding the benefit at which the picture was taking, the conclusion was obvious.

The administration, however, has con­ducted a very clever cover-up. Other members of the school's staff have also par­ticipated in these musical performances. Last fall under the guise of supplying talent for the Hunger Week Amateur Hour, several members of the staff got to practice their song

and dance before a live audience. The show served a dual purpose; it provided the stars and starlet$ a chance to experience a live, but less critical audience, as well as gave them an opportunity to work the kinks-out of the show.

The real story in the picture is not that the school has it staff performing on the night club circuit, but why they are out there. The school must~viously be in dire financial straights to resort to such a ploy. This way the accredita­tion mmittee or the school's creditors will not get wind of the problem.

The administration had no comment on this story or its conclusions, because they were not asked. (There is no sense clouding an issue with the facts, besides they might have been misquoted and that would really have caused an uproar.) Rumors have been circulating, however, thafthe administration is going to destroy the reporters' desks. ...-----

Classes are planned to run Monday through Thursday, leaving weekends free for study and sightseeing. Classes will probably run from the end of May through the middle of July.

Tuition will probably be the same as in Chicago - per course.

Professor Haney said that discus­sions are continuing with the ad­ministration of the Rome Center in order to finalize plans at the earliest ·possible date. He urges present first year students who are thinking about overseas programs to consider the Rome program for next year.

JUST JOSHIN' by Sherri Rudy

It has come to our attention that several of our readers were offended by the article "Better late than never . .. " which appeared in the last issue of Blackacre. The article was not meant .to criticize any individuals, departments, or organizations. It was not meant as an_editorial opinion.

The article was intended to be a humorous piece, setting the stage for yet another late issue of Blackacre. Although timely notice is occasionally a problem at Loyola, the article was not intended to criticize. Many of the allegations were facially ridiculous - we know that this year the first year students received adequate notice of Jury Duty and the Moot Court Competition- we gave it to them ourselves. We can't figure out why every year so many first year students complain about inade­quate notice of these events. We don't think their complaints are always justified. Certainly by now everyone knows that the Competition will be held on March 24, 25, 29, and 30. Details as to time and loca­tion will be available shortly.

We were not criticizing the notice given for any particular seminar, film, speaker, party or other event. We . were not condemning any particular faculty member for late grades, nor any students for late Journals, newspapers, or independent study projects. The article was meant only as a string cite of some of the complaints frequently raised by students, faculty, and staff. The article was not meant as Blackacre's endorsement of any of these complaints; in fact we think many of them are ridiculous and totally unsubstantiated.

Because of the apparent misunderstanding about the intent and tone of the article, we apologize to any and all who were offended by "Better late than never ... . " We apologize to Law Journal, SBA, Blackacre, Jim Faught, John MacCormack, the faculty, program organizers, and' independent studiers. Most of all, we apologize to Carol Brown and Holly Thomas. Both women have done outstan­ding jobs in their new positions. The time and atten­tion that they give us is sincerely appreciated by Blackacre and - we hope - the entire law school.

2

Blackacre/ Wednesday, March 17, 1982

• • optntons Loyola -- School of Podiatry ? Rumor has it that the following classified

will appear in the Chicago newspapers : OPEN HOUSE LOYOLA LAW SCHOOL

Come One Come All Bring Your Friends

Great Hours Avai lable for Anyone to Study Make Complete Use of OUR Facility

No Cost or Obligation (tUition $4,300.-plus paid by Loyola students)

Feel free to roam our corridors! Use our student lounge! Watch T.V.I Eat Wherever You Feel Like! Excuse us if OUR studying interrupts your conversations.

(sorry we cannot admit you during OUR exam study week)

security system as of yet that can prevent su.c~ mish~ps, why is th,e school allowing non­twtlon paymg students, etc. to use OUR facili­ty? Will it take a drastic occurrence such as a theft of books, materials, or even a television to get the point across? ·

As a tuition paying student, I do not favor the idea of an "Open Door" policy. It is mak­ing a farce out of the professional atmosphere that is so much a part of Loyola. Taking a long look, one would realize that no other law school in the area allows the influx of tran­sients into its library as Loyola does.

It is time to put a halt to this invasion. The situation in the school and especially in Posting a sign during the exam study week is

the library has reached that point. Many not enough, The problem is NOW _ during Loyola la w student s have expressed · the semester. dissatisfaction with this sjtuation. Why should This is not t o say that those who work the non-law students be allowed to use OUR facili-ty? Do they pay the $4,300 plus tuition cosls? front desk are at fault. These people need to

The influx of Podiatry., Medical and other be info~med of their job description. The non-legal clientele is outrageous to say the . regul!itiOns ~ST be enforced. When was the least. The library is supposedly open ONLy to ~ast time you Witnessed or heard of anyone be­students who attend the law school, alumni, mg asked to show some _ID car d or someo~e benefactors, faculty, and practicing attorneys ~o was not a stude~t bemg asked to have his from the Chicago area. Those who are not bnef~ase ~r backpack chec_ked? students or faculty are required to sign in at This umque_ and_ congemal atmosphe:e of the front desk (remeber that? ) and to write in the law school Is bemg threatened by outsiders the time of arrival and departure Thi who most o~ the stude~t ~ody does not want to

d · ? · s pro- be allowed mto the building. ~e ll!e IS (was .. ). used to keep a record of who The time has come to put a sto to this rro~~g the facility and where the users come ·~opel! Door" ~olicy. . Until an ~de9uate

Presently7

the word "security" has become secur~ty system IS established, the ~racbce of obsolete. 'Q'nder the present system, there is all?wm~ anyone, not connect~~ With Loyola no adequate deterrentto alleviate the problem U:mver~Ity • to use OUR faGility sh~~d be of our own s~ents who might forget and per- ~contmued. I urge the ~taff.and admini~tr~­manently borrow materials from the library bon to take a lo?k at the situation and rectify It

; Withou~t checking them out. Since there is no as soon as possible. Taps Gallagher

Congratulations to the new SBA officers:

President: Vice President: Secretary: Treasurer:

Libby Frederick Dan Watts

Carol Costello Rich Wasik

A Senator Replies Dear Student, that too much money is being wasted on

I greatly appreciated the letter which defense spending. While I may agree with , .. ,. you sent me expressing your views on the that idea, the record for the financial aid • ~'?) tssue of cutting back fe<leral funding to the program has not been very good either. A

y_;v PRODUCTION STAFF financial aid program. I always welcome great number of students have defaulted • p · p the opporturuty to hear the vtews of my on their loans, and not because they could

Laura Gitlin 1zza roducer consbtutents. not afford to pay them back. Other • Tim Heath Typsetter-in-Chief • However, I must confess that I am a bit students take the loan money and invest it , Jim Kash Religious Liason ' troubl~d by_yo~ letter. you say that you in C.D.'s, Treasury bills, or the money , Joe McJohn Graphics Director ~eed fmancial aid to contmue your edu~a- market. While this may be enterprising, It

Laurence Wem' er B · M o bon, and that the program's funding is not what the program was intended for.

Bill White . usmess ar:a9er should not be decreased. Unfortunately, Still other students take the loans and use

, Natwnal Advertlsmg ' at no point in your letter do you show an them on such essential educational items Manager • awareness of the other issues involved. as: trips to Florida or the Bahamas, large

• ' As you should know, the federal budget amounts of recreational drugs (including ' Sherri Rudy Editor ' is drastically being reduced in many other alcohol), or designer clothes. I do not

CONTRffiUTING LEPRECHAUNS

Thomas ]. Branit Jim Faught Taps Gallagher Laura Gitlin Tom Haney Marty Hanley Tim Heath Larry Kalevitch

Jim Kash Joe McJohn

Brian C. Own Kathy Pantle Larry Robins Sherri Rudy

Larry Weiner Bill White

The opinions and other contents of Blackacre are determinea by the editors and do not reflect the policies and opinions of Loyola University. Letters to the Editor must be signed so that we don't get blamed for your stupid opinions.

r areas besides the financial aid program. believe that any student who must decide Drastic cuts have been made m the whether to buy a shirt with an alligator or

r welfare, food stamp, and Medicaid pro- polo pony logo for class ' 'needs'' fmancial grams. Many people who previously aid. This is especially true when so many received public aid will no longer have other people must go without money to that option available. Those that will still buy any clothes.

, receive public aid will be getting much So the next time you decide that less than before. Yet, the number of peo- something is important enough to write to ple who will need public aid will contmue me, please spend an extra five minutes to increase as unemployment rises. think1ng about what will happen to others

I am in the difficult position of having to if I follow your advice. Or else give me decide who will get the little federal some· guidance on what you feel should money there is. Your letter gives me no take priority when I have to make a dif­indication of what you think IS more im- ficult decisiOn. Otherwise, your letter portant - money for your education or does not help me or you. money to provide the poor with food and Respectfully, medical services. Senator for the State

I h~ve repeatedly heard the arglllJ!ent prepared by: Tim Heath ..

•

3 Blackacrel Wednesday, March 17, 1982 • • OpiDIODS

CRUCIFIXES ARE OPTIONAL ~ Dear Blackacre, walls are trying to communicate.

The real question, however, is do these crucifixes belong on the walls of this law school?

When I saw the crucifixes on the walls of the classrooms and hallways in McGuire Hall I was surprised. Was this Catholic University finally getting to the finishing touches in this new building? Or, did the administration finally remember that it was a Catholic University?

Everyone seems to go through some kind of indentity crisis nowdays. Maybe the crucifixes will help provoke a few more.

If you do not know what I am writing about, look to the back of the classroom when you are in your next class. That crucifix you will see was not there last semester.

If this was a public university having the crucifixes hanging on the walls may well be unconstitutional. However that point is moot because this is a private institution. Being a private CATHOLIC university, run in the Jesuit tradition, it presents more than a secular education. A whole world of spirituali­ty extends itself to the students if they wish to embrace it.

Whoever picked out that style of a crucifix has good sense. It is not the ordinary type of crucifix. The image of Christ is not hanging dead on the cross. The image of Christ is wearing a beautiful garment, standing in front of the cross with its arms outstretched. The .crucifixes are not sorrowful representations of Christ's death but of His joyous Resurrection and invitation to Faith.

Religion is not imposed upon the students; however the University wishes to have them realize that religion is a part of life. The crucifixes are merely a reminder of what is being offered at Loyola and in life - an educa­tion in living for Christ and not just for oneself.

For me, that makes all the difference in the world. Christ extends His hands to us. He calls us to salvation which He is. He does not call us to death as some crucifixes seem to suggest, but He calls us to new life. That is what the crucifixes hanging on the law school T

Timeliftess,

Loyola University fails when it sends out law school graduates who are solely concern­ed with landing a prestigious job with great pay. We live in a world that cries over blood­shed and hungers for food. The crucifixes re­mind people of the spirituality that they can turn to for comfort and guidance.

I do not think the University is imposing Catholicism on anyone by placing cruc;ifixes on the walls. The crucifixes present an option which one can accept or refuse. T JimKash

Next to Godliness Dear Blackacre,

Having read each issue of Blackacre this year I can only compliment the student body at large on either its restraint in not respon­ding to the type of publication that Blackacre has become, or its good taste in ignoring it. In any event, it has become clear to me that the attitudes expressed by the editors of Blackacre are those of a fringe group which do not represent those attitudes generally held by the student body. Over the past year I have observed and ignored cheap shots leveled at

....• students have made it clear to me that they have plenty

of things to complain about

school year, first year students were notified in the SBA Weekly Newsletter on October 15, 1980, of jury duty dates on December 6 and January 10. Minimum notice in this case was 52 days.

As for the Moot Court a~signment, notice was given to first year students on January 29, 1981 in the SBA Weekly Newlsetter that the In­traschool Moot Court Competition was set for the last week in March and that attendance was mandatory. This year, notice was given to students in the January 20th SBA Weekly Newsletter that first year students were re­quired to attend the Intra-school Moot Court Competition held on March 24, 25, 29, and 30. All of these notices merely supplement a general notice posted in the catalog that atten-dance at these programs is required for first year students. I find it inconceivable that 2

students, facu1ty, administrators, and staff. months notice in each case is insufficient. However, after reading the "Better late than ~ver the past few years, students have. made never ... '' article in the February 15th issue, I tt clear ~o me that the~ have ple~ty of thmgs to have found it difficult to sit still. I don't know complam about. Notice about Jury duty and whether my reluctance to ignore this par- Moot Court i~ not one of them. . ticluar issue results from anything unusually I take particular umbrag~ at t~e assertion offensive about the February 15th edition or that Loyola "sends ?ut r~gts~~ah?n packets from the cumulative effect of all four issues three days before registration. ThiS year, the foisted upon the Loyola community so far this registration letter was _Prep~red on December year. In any event, enough is enough. 16, _1981. The last registratiOn pack~ts w~re

While I would like to keep my comments mailed on December 21, 1981 and registration general, I am compelled to respond to a few began on, January 12, 1982. I consider remarks in the "Better late than never ... "ar- Blackacre s remarks to be another cheap shot ticle. I assume that the comments regarding insufficient notice for placement seminars referred to the seminar offered January 28 at 12:00 noon. Had Blackacre been interested in facts, they could easily have found out that a notice regarding the program was posted on Monday, January 18, ten days (not one) before the program.

... erroneous impressions are created and negatives attitudes

are fostered by the clever thoughts of a clever writer . ... .

Had you taken the time to ride an elevator to the 5th floor to discuss any of these issues to which you so C'tlsually make reference, you may have discovered that you were wrong. In­stead, it seems to me that you have relied on the "late night newsroom" form of journalism in which the writer puts his or her feet up on the desk and thinks of clever things to say in order to fill a page. The problem with that form of journalism (arrogance aside) is that erroneous impressions are created and negative attitudes are fostered by the clever thoughts of a clever writer who has not cared enough to discover the truth about what he or she is writing.

I can hear the criticism from your newsroom: "Oh, he's just oversensitive." Not so. Through your previous issues this year, I, (Like many) have remained tolerant, and for the most part good natured about the contents of Blackacre, despite the fact that it has on oc­casion maligned members of our law school community through innuendo, half truths, and untruths. It has dignified articles that would have been better left unread. As hard as it is to believe, Blackacre does not remain solely within the walls of Maguire Hall. Each issue finds its way into various other parts of the University, the legal community and God knows what other corners of the cosmos. For better or worse, people form impressions about Loyola from what they see and read in Blackacre. ·

Now that I have that off my chest let me of­fer some constructive criticism: go to a four page format. In the typical eight page edition of Blackacre, there are rarely more than three pages of substance. That leaves five pages for you to play with. One page is enough. I am aware that the cost of an eight page edition is

I take issue with your characterization of Loyola as a school that "never gives first year students enough warning about jury duty and the Moot Court competition." This past year, notices for jury duty were posted on September 23rd. The October 12, 1981 issue of Blackacre notified first year students of their jury assignments on page 4. The dates of jury service this year were November 21, January 9, January 16, and April17. By my calculation, notice for jury duty was 59 days for the first set of trials on November 21st. During the 1980

only marginally greated than that of a four without any basis in fact. Those working in the page paper, but by going to a four page edi­Registrar's Office have been in their current tion, we'd save more than money. positions less than a year. Though not re- I have always felt that the newspaper should quired to do so, they have attempted to serve inform and build our community. This year, evening students by holding late office hours. information has been sparse, and the inspira­Much of the time they are not compensated for tion has been nonexistent. While I understand this work. They not only have ~he II?-ost that you spend long hours producing thankless jobs in the law school, but certamly Blackacre, I can't honestly tell you that I ap­more to do than to contend with attitudes preciate it. which may have been prejudiced by unfair Very truly yours, remarks in Blackacre. Jim Faught

4

Blackacre! Wednesday, March 17, 1982

features

My name is jack Diamond -jackson T. Diamond to be sure, but people have always called me Jack. The story I' m about to tell you is true, every word of it, except for a few exaggerations. It takes place in San Fransisco and the weather is an important backdrop - pay attention to it. Unlike Mark Twain, I believe weather belongs in stories. I' m an ex-drug smuggler, ex-mercenary, ex-private eye who decid­ed to go legit, who decided that a house in Suburbia w ith a nagging but sweet w ife and 2.4 kids might not be such a bad deal. After all, having been around the world six or seven times, I discovered that the simple pleasures in life are perhaps the best. This is a story of what happened to me when I tried to enter the sane, qu iet world of the legal profession.

tie r l'Vi(e w .. l s rr tJ .. i(, f1.=;1 E>'\'~ .. " ., u~t cleli(if)t J~ ()hJe ~~~~ .. ,.,~.11£11 ir,jtdi(if;U~I"l' ti"lrl. It was a dark and quiet night. Rain came from time

to t ime in the usual March showers. Frisco was warm enough so that the dampness was a pleasure rather than a curse and the fog which covered the city only added to my solitude on the seventh floor of the law school, the library. My fellows had long since left, leaving their toils for the fun of a few local bars and whatever action they could find . I had seen enough action in my life and I had much work to do.

My concentration was intense, yet slowly another presence intruded. Gradually, from the corner of my eye, I noticed a still, unmoving ankle. Not an or­dinary ankle, mind you, but an extraordinarily at­tractive ankle; the proverbial ''well-turned ankle." My eyes left my task and as they slowly traveled up­wards my excitement grew and my concentration waned as I saw more and more of what were ob­viously the greatest pair of legs on Earth. I began to worry as my eyes raised higher and higher until I finally saw the hem of her skirt.

" Excuse m·e.''

Her voice w as music, her eyes a del icious blue, and her sweater most injudiciously tight. Pink, of course.

" Excuse me, but the librarian said that you have been using that Restatement of Torts for several hours now. I hate to bother you, but I need that book desperately.''

It was the middle of the semester, and no memo assignments were due. I could not understand how anyone could desperately need the Restatement of Torts, 2nd but I certainly was going to do nothing to make her cross.

" Sure, I' m done anyways."

• • •

by Bill White

I was floored. My face and hands were covered with a cold sweat, and my heart was auditioning for " Lauren?" a rock-n-roll band.

, , . That was her name - Lauren, Lauren Marie Oh, I m so sorry _to mterrupt. I could see how W ithington . The name well suited her.. Along with

hard you we_re ~?rktng but I need to look at that her obvious -attributes, there was also a touch of book. As I sa1d, 1t IS a real emergency and I a~ sure class, a touch of background which only a good you can spare that book for a few moments. family can give, and a touch of style which is

something that mere good looks can never ac-1 nodded, an_d tried to ~mi!e my best smile. I was complish.

very self-consc1ous because my craggy smile and none-to-handsome face was not much to look at. The attempt seemed pointless, though, because she simply ignored me, taking the Restatement to another table. I swore softly to myself.

"Goddamn Bitch! Doesn't even say Thank You."

In my heart I knew that she d idn't mean to be rude. She simply was preoccupied with whatever it was she was looking for, but my pride was still in­jured by being snubbed. Slowly, angrily, I began to turn to " Contracts.'' All the while, I slammed books and crinkled papers loudly. She did not even look up. Just as I was getting settled down again to resume studying, I heard that devilishly sweet voice."

" I'm sorry, excuse me again ."

" What to do want?" There was ice in my voice.

" I' m sorry, I' m so sorry. You see, I' ve never used th is law book before. Actually, I' ve never used any law book before. I need you to help me. I' m in real trouble. You must help me with this book."

I could see that she was quivering, quivering in many places, yet wounded pride is hard to over­come. Even if it is baseless wounded pride.

"Why do you want ME to help you? There are many other students who are smarter than me."

"I want you. You have such an understanding face."

That was it, I was trapped. Her moist blue eyes and sweet flattery left me no choi~r- ..

Six hours later, we were sitting in an all nightcof­fee shop. I was exhausted. No teacher' s assignment had ever wore me out as much as that girl ' s demand that I produce from the Law of Torts. But despite my growing fatigue and droopy eyelids, I was curious. Why was this knockout so interested in Tort law? Especially when she was without any legal background or expefience. As for other varieties of experience, well, I was still hoping to find out about that. Anyways, I wanted to know why she had me do all the research.

I • • :::>.

"Lauren, let us be straight with each other. Why did you need me to find that bizarre section from the Restatement of Torts, 2nd? You seem to have little knowledge of the law, just what were you having me do?" ·

"You're right, I do know liitle of the law. Actually, I' ve studied Egyptology at Yale for the last three years. I graduate next year and I hope to go to Cam­bridge."

"Egyptology at Yale!! Are you serious? Sister, Yale is a long way from here in Frisco. But I don' t see how that answers my question. Why, why d id you have me do all that research?"

" Well, 1 should tell you , it is for the Doctor."

" For the doctor? What doctor?"

" Not what Doctor, silly, THE DOCTOR. There on­ly is one. The mad Irish Doctor."

" The Irish Doctor?"

"Yes, the Irish Doctor. He is the head of an evil organization known as S.M.A.S.H."

"Oh great!! Come on sister, tell me what it will be, the hospital or ,the police?"

" No, believe me, I'm serious. The Doctor is a big mean Irishman who kidnapped my brother. He is a nuclear scientist from Cal Poly."

"Who, this jolly green Doctor-person?"

" No, my brother. Don't be stupid. My brother, he's real smart, although I always beat him at chess . Somehow he is great at mesons and protons and particle acceleration and meta beams but I did always beat him at chess. I really don't know why, my mother suggests that ... "

' • Serving L(Jyo/afor ol'er jive years . •

I cut her off. She seemed a very intelligent woman, after all, she was almost an Egyptologist, but the pressure of the situation was causing her to bab­ble. But be fair now, wouldn't you babble too if you had spent the last three years learning hieroglyphics? Not to mention that her brother had been working on a super-secret atomic power project for Uncle Sam and was kidnapped by some super-mean Irish­person named " The Doc" who may or may not be the head of that nefarious organization known only as S.M.A.S.H., for the obvious purpose of figuring out why Michael Withington was not as good a chess player as his sister. It only stands to reason, after all those Ruskies take their chess serious. Come on dear reader, you'd babble too.

•· Reawnable P:rices .r • Breakfast and L~h Specials Everyday

• WELL ESTABLISHED c • •• • I

Now, the other explanation was that she was a local California weirdo who had eaten some funny mushrooms while watching PEOPLE'S COURT on TV and entered a funny mushroom induced, law­crazed fantasy world filled up to your shamrocks with jolly green giants called "THE DOCTOR." This version seemed much more probable. It was only a shame that her fantasy world was not at least sex: crazed .

" Come on sister, I have friends at St. Luke's who won't give you to the narcs."

continued on page 5

Obviously I had misjudged her. Lauren Marie Withington, high class, well-educated young lady, HAH!! just another freaked out California lunatic and I had wasted all of that valuable study time. My fellow students were right. I'm too easily distracted to make a good law student. How could I let a pair of shapely legs turn me from the true reality of study? Fourteen hours of solid study a day. Now that's the ticket!!! Now I was mad. After all, law school is im­portant, damn important.

"Go find your own hospital sister! Maybe I will call the narcs myself."

I l1r1cl triecl it f:ll"{e l r uefl'f:t.

Then she slid a book across the table. It was dark blue - navy - and it had the seal of the Dept. of Defense on the cover. The Blue Book was tightly wrapped in cellophane, obviously new,

"Here, now ·do you believe me? My brother ~ad this book in his bank box. I have yet to open 1t; I don't know if I should."

1 still wasn't sure, but at least I could open the book. I ripped off the plastic and opened i~. For­tunately we were in a corner booth because 1t sure was a funny book. There were no pages, but there was a US passport, a roll of exposed film, and a Walther PPK. Shades of jimmy Bond!!

Lauren looked shocked at seeing the gun, but that quickly turned to satisfa~ion. She h~d not liked be­ing mistaken for some kmd of drugg1e.

" Check the gun."

She was obviously cooler than I was. I was tired and dazed I was totally unsure of what was going on because I had supposedly given up this kind of thing when 1 started law school. Anyways, I checked the gun.

"A full clip."

1 saw fear in her eyes so I turned towards the door. A fat balding Chinaman had just entered the coffee shop.

Then she told me, "I'm going to the ladies' room, 1 want you to wait five minutes and then you should appear to go to the men's room. Leave your c?at and backpack so he will think we are commmg back. I'll leave my rain slicker."

1 did as she said except that I kept my jacket. I'd had it since high school and all of my varsity letters were sewn on it- both of them. Besides, I needed the pockets for the gun and the film.

Leaving behind the backpack, however, was quite difficult. In it were my books, my classnotes, and what was horrible, my outlines. What was worse yet was that the tall greasy looking busboy was also a first year law student and he ~ould su_rely get at those outlines. The thought of h1m and h1s cutthroat cronies smearing hamburger grease on those typed, crisp white sheets was almost too much to handle. I could hear those legal eagle giggles already. But I knew 1 had to choose, I had to choose Lauren or my outlines. I chose Lauren. Guess that proves I'm a sap.

B/ackacrel W ednesday,March 17, 1982

_,/

Breathlessly we sat down near the rear of the cable car. In the early pre-dawn, the rain had stop­ped and only a fine mist filled the air. A chill affected Lauren far more than me because she had left her raincoat behind. I should have been a gentle~an and given her my varsity letter jacket but after losmg my outlines and my books and my backpack, I was. in no mood to be noble. Besides, what self respec­ting woman would wear _a Jette~ jacket wh~~e the };t­ters sewn on it bore the 1gnom1ous letters MGR ? I was sitting there, smug with my selfishness, when Lauren interupted.

"I hope we can stay safe until I meet th~ ~actor tonight. 1 am supposed to go to the ~t. Patn~k s Day party at the Regis Hotel. If I bring h1m the mforma­tion 1 found - excuse me - that you found, he will release my brother."

"St. Patrick's Day- today is St. Patrick's Day? I didn't know that. You see, here in San Fran_we h_ave few Irishmen and at law school we have httl~ t1me for such things. Besides, I' m ~oi~g to be qu1te un-. comfortable going to a St. Patnck s Day party when I' m not even Irish."

"That's strange that you didn't know today i~ ?t. Pat's- 1 thought St. Patrick's Day was an offiCial holiday at all law schools. A friend of mine goes to law school in Chicago, at Loyola, and she says St. Pat's is the greatest holiday of the year. As for your not being Irish, well, I'm not e1ther but on St. Patrick's Day, everybody's Iris~. And then to prove it, she pressed real close and k1ssed me. . .

Well, my Italian grandpappy _An~omo will be ashamed and I'm sure my fami ly will d1sown me, but when Lauren kissed my, I felt IRISH - I felt EX­TREMELY, UNBELIEVABLY IRISH.

Well after she turned my red-blooded, macho, latin character quite green, we still had the problem of where to go until her meeting with this big bad ug­ly Doctor person. The only place I could think of was my apartment.

••• tt1ell §t'\l'letf1h·~"

e'tr.-u"lrclin=u~ h-1rr"rro. We got there safely, and after searching for in­

truders, 1 fetched a bottle of good whiske~ and poured us both a strong drink. Lauren was gomg to need one because I had to break the news to h~r that the Doctor was ·not going to be at the Reg1s Hotel that night. It was all a cruel joke, the black hat guy obviously meant for this sweet young_lady to c;Jo back-breaking legal research for an ent1rely futile purpose. Whoever this Doctor was, he w~s a totally despicable character. A good argument m favor of capital punishment; especilly since I was the patsy.

University of ~an Diego ~chool of Law

SUMMER SCHOOL June 7 - July 31, 1982

• Wide Course Selection • Distinguished Visiting Faculty • Student Housing Available

For information write to: Ms. Ceyla Lindberg, University of San Diego School of Law, Alcala Park, San Diego, CA 921 10

u.s.o. doft not dlscrimloute on the b.uis of rae~ 1ft, color, r~lip..., ap, national oripl. mcetlly, or lwuiiap in ltJ policies ~ proJP'UM.

5

features t-ortunately, I didn't have to break the ':lews to

Lauren because she had just fallen asleep on the sofa. I, however, had to stay awake, I had to figure out what we were going to do. But the strain of that long day had been too much. Maybe something would come to me in the morning ...

The morning didn't bring any solutions, In fact, the morning didn't bring anything at all because Lauren and I slept clean through until almost four that afternoon. God! That legal research had been tough, and it was all for nothing.

When lauren woke, she reminded me that we had to meet the Doctor in only a few hours. I still didn't have the heart to tell her that this Doctor was playing a cruel hoax, so I played along.

~() lri~l1tlVU"1 i§ e~e• f('t =all" e~ll.

"Sure, but you should shower and change first. I bel ieve that my sister left some clothes from her last visit. She'S about your size. And then off to the Hotel to rescue your brother."

Th is gave me time to think, although there was nothing to think about, but at least I could stall. I knew that there was to be no rendezvous at the Regis Hotel, and that Michael Withington, nuclear scientist, was probably being spi~ited away to ~orne foreign land where S.M.A.S.H. would force h1m to co-operate. And there was nothing I could do.

Then, however, something quite extraor~inary happened. just as Lauren came out dressed m my sister's green plaid skirt and green blouse, there was a knock on the door. Usually, at this time, it is the landlady bringing by a hewspaper.

0

1 opened the door and it wasn' t the landlady. Two rather large and' strong men pushed into my Spartment. Although I was shocked by_ their arrival, I instinctively jumped back and fell mto t~e ol_d­Tibetan ready-combat position. I lea~ned th1~ while studying Tibetan haza fighting techmques With. the Dali Llama himself. He showed me all of these secrets in exchange for an 8mm copy of Yellow Sub­marine and three black and white copies of old T~r­zan movies. Only the Dali Llama and Tom Ro~bms truly know why Tibetans loved Yellow Submanne.

' 'Tsk, Tsk, Mr. Diamond. We all have guns and yours is on the table over t~ere. I have heard of these Tibetan combat techmques of yours, and I must say, you do look rather ludicrous."

The big goon who spoke, spoke truth, at least. in part. They did have the guns. But I ~ould _not adv1se making fun of haza combat techmques, 1f ever the Dali Llama was around. Sadly, dear Dali was in Tibet so I had to simply stand up.

I noticed that three othe.r men stepped in after the two thugs. One was obviously Michael Withington, the resemblance was too strong; another seemed to be the Doctor because he was a red-headed Irishman. The third man intrigued me because he was a dark, swarthy Arab who was wearing a crisp white turban tightly wrapped about his head.

The goon who had ridiculed haza fighting spoke again. " Mr. Diamond, we're so glad you are at home, along with the lovely Miss Withington. You see, you will kill the Withingtons and then, most sad­ly, you will die yourself."

To illustrate his point, all three of us had our hands tied . The ropes were no problem for me because my two years with the Israeli Red Beret Commando Team had taught me how to handle such situations. The problem, still, was that they had all the guns.

I had to ask why the Doctor was not speaking for himself, why this muscular clod was playing mouthpiece .

"I speak for the Doctor because he does not con­sider himself worthy to speak to such scum as yourselves. But since you three are all about to die, I should introdu<;e you to your last compa'nions."

"I am Jacques; my fellow enforcer here is Leroy. Our boss, as you suspected, is the Doctor, Dr. Shaun Cassidy, and our Arab friend is his personal physi­cian. We are all proud members of S.M.A.S.H. ex­cept the Arab. He is a deaf-mute. But a great doctor."

continued on page 8

•

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6 Blackacrel Wednesday, March 17,1982

news SBA

Graduating seniors should check the registrar's bulletin board to make sure that their names appear on the list for graduation.

Graduating seniors who have not as yet paid their fee to the Graduation Committee should do so as soon as possible.

The 1982 National Appellate Ad­vocacy Competition will be held at Chicago-Kent College of Law, March 19-21, 1982.

ALL first year students must attend two sessions of the Moot Court Com­petition to be held on March 24, 25, 29, and 30. Details as to time and location will be available shortly.

First year students who would like a tutor should put a piece of paper with their name, phone number, and the name of the class for which they would need tutoring in the envelope on Jim Faught's door.

Upperclassmen who would like to tutor first year students should sign the list on Jim Faught's door.

Petitions for candidates for SBA representatives will be due Friday, March 19, 1982. Petitions must con­tain 15 signatures of people from the candidate's year and division. (First year students are not limited to sec­tions.)

The sign-up sheet for the Spring, 1982 Ping Pong Tournament will be posted on the SBA office door soon. Everyone (including faculty and ad­ministration) is eligible to sign up. The number of spots is limited. Best of luck to Larry Weiner!

There has been an addition to the Placement periodical. The addition can be picked up at the front desk.

SBA is sponsoring Loyola's St. Patrick's Day celebration. Events include: Irish coffee at the law school Wednesday morning; mar­ching in the parade; and beer and sandwiches at the Braehorn after the parade. See an SBA representative for tickets.

WOMEN, WIVES OFFERMONE

This year, the Women's Bar Association of Illinois Foundation expects to award four $2,000.00 Scholarships, each to an outstanding wQman law student who will be com­mencing her second or third year of law school next fall in an Illinois law school.

The Dean of each of the law schools in Illinois is being asked to recommend two women students for such awards. The awards are based on scholarship (high ranking in class standings), involvement in law school activities (such as law review and moot court), and the pt rsonal qualities of the individual. Fir. mcial need also is considered and is ~iven weight where all other critien..! are met.

Names and other information must be received by the Women's Bar Association of Illinois by March 23, 1982.

The Assication of Wives of Illinois Lawyers (A WIL) had determined to once again make a grant to support a 1982-1983 scholarship in the amount of $1,000.00. Each of the nine law schools in Illinois accredited by the American Bar Association is being invited to submit the name of one nominee for the scholarship with the appropriate supporting data. The deadline for nominations is April 30, 1982. The decision will be made May 14, 1982 and the recipient's name an­nounced shortly thereafter.

The nominee's biography and recommendation by the Dean or his representative must be accom­panied by a letter of application from the nominee expressing his or her reasons for believing he or she s~ould receive the scholarship.

DEADLINE FOR EASTER PASSOVER * ISSUE: ~1

TUESDAY, MARCH 30.

7:00 p.m.

RAM, Hines Receive by Anon

Professor Richard Michael and Cook County Assessor Thomas Hines shared the spotlight at the Law Alumni Awards Luncheon on Tues­day, March 2. The Rooney-St. Thomas More award went to the estimable RAM and the Loyola Medal of Excellance to Thomas Hines. Both are recent(!) grads of the law school.

The well attended luncheon (even Phil Corboy had to wait for a table) went off without a hitch (except that Phil Corboy had to wait for a table). Remarks by the Dean, the President and the Assesor were all well receiv­ed.

But this was RAM's day and the eloquence of his acceptance speech ran beyond his usual sparkling per­formance, no doubt inspired by the standing '0' that greeted his award. As he always does, RAM made us proud. photo by Tom Haney

PANEL DISCUSSES

FAMILY LAW by Jim.Kash

Recently, a panel discussiOn on Family Law was held in room 110. Five attorneys were present. Ber­nard Rinella beaded the panel and introduced the four speakers: Doug Malone, Jerry Levin, Arthur Ber­man, and Mel Sloane. Each of them spoke on a different aspect of Family Law: the initial interview, the organization of divorce courts, the preperation of a custody case, and the current changes in the definition of marital property, respectively.

In his brief introduction. Mr. Rinella explained that one of the purposes of the discussion was to generate student interest in the area as well as alert the students about the ethical considerations in the practice.

The first speaker, Doug Malone, spoke about the initial interview of a prospective divorce client. He said there are two types of clients - the shopper and the recommended client. In an initial interview with a shopper, Malone stressed that it is important for the lawyer to repre­sent what he knows about divorce law. When a client has come because of a recomendation then the lawyer should take down vital statistics about the person. He stressed that it is always important to be businesslike in taking down the client's personal information, which may include financial, sexual, and in-law difficulties.

While the client should be allowed to ventilate her(his) feelings and frustration about the problems, the divorce lawyer should always main­tain a business relationship. For this reason, Mr. Malone never meets a client at home, or in a bar, and he never socializes with his clients. He also said that when a third party calls regarding a new client that he never returns the call. Given the private nature of a divorce suit, the client should take the initiative to seek a lawyer when she( he) is ready

Awards His award recognizes distinguish­

ed service to the school. Few have served any institution as selflessly and as well as Prof. Michael has served Loyola. .

Professor Michael began his association with Loyola Law School with his typically impressive style - No. 1 in his class, with the highest average ever under the old grading system (1-100). In 1967, he returned as a faculty member, following practice with the Attorney­General's office, graduate work at Illinois and teaching at Loyola of New Orleans.

Since his return to this Loyola, he has served the University as, inter alia, general counsel, member of the prestigious Committee on Faculty Appointments, and as a member of the Future of the Law Schooi Com­mittee. RAM's service on the latter committee was a prime cause in the construction of Maguire Hall.

Congratulations, Mr. Procedure.

for one. Jerry Levin talked about the

organization of domestic relations courts in Cook County. He said that the divorce lawyers and judges are trying to have the court sites chang­ed because some of the courts are too far apart.

He explained that there are motion judges who handle temporary custody, temporary support, and temporary restraining orders which restrain a spouse from waste of the marital assets or physically abusing a family member. Before the trial, there is also a prejudgement court which may enable lawyers to con­vince their clients to settle a few re­maining details and avoid a full length trial. Mr. Levin said that unless the case should be fairly well settled by the time it gets to pre­judgement court because only about 15 minutes of the judge's time is alloted for each case. Consequently, the judges are not able to resolve matters in great dispute. There are also Motion B judges who handle post judgement decrees such as change of custody.

Arthur Berman spoke on prepar­ing a custody case. He stressed the ethical aspects of a custody suit. He said that the best interests of the child must be served. If in the lawyer's opinion her client's custody of the child is not in the child's best interest, then ethically, it is encum­bent upon her to withdraw from the case. In order to arrive at some deciston as to whether to represent the client, Mr Berman recommend­ed letting the client talk and write out the history of the family. He said that if the client could not give the lawyer much detail as to the age of the children, and the history of the marriage, it may indicate that the client is attempting to use the custody suit to ventilate anger.

The final speaker was Mel Sloan, a Loyola law school graduate. He talk­ed about the changes occurring in Family Law as a result of a new statute relating to marital property.

Under the new law, non-marital property becomes marital property by the "transmutation" of the non­marital property. For example, "transmutation" occurs when a per­son owns real estate prior to the marriage, but after the wedding the couple pools their resources to im­prove the real estate. What was once non-marital property then beco,mes marital property because of the im­provements. He said that a divorce lawyer should be aware of bow this change will affect property set­tlements and other aspects of the ­case. This discussion proved to be an in­

formative introduction to Family Law. It provided a background to not only the current problems in the practice, but also to ethical aspects of the law.

Blacka_cre/ Wednesday, March 17,1982

VANDALISM cross marks the spot

To the Editor:

I am not one to complain or criticize, but something must be said aout the vandalism that has been plaguing the law school building recently. I do not refer to the publication of Blackacre, which seems to be a form of licens­ed vandalism, and which doesn't occur often enough to be a source of concern.

I refer to vandalism of a much more serious and grevious nature. Someone broke into the law school building one night a few weekends ago, and put crucifixes in all of the classrooms and in the library. When I came to class one Monday morning, I was stunned to find the Ho­ly Cross affixed to the walls wherever I went. It was a rude experience.

Someone obviously thought that putting those things everywhere was funny. But I don't. I have enought trouble dealing with mirrors and daylight.

Another day, I came to school to find that some anarchist had ripped off all the signs and notices on the first and second floors. The culprit probably also steals stop signs and has an inventory of Route 66 markers .

It would take someone with a sick and

perverse sense of humor to pull two pranks like these in the same week. That unknown miscreants would stoop so low as to vandalize the school building as they have is hardly sur­prising when one considers the neighborhood that the law school is in. The villains probably broke in on their way home to 111 E . Chestnut or the Huron Plaza after Faces and Arnie's closed.

What disturbs me most about these recent events is that the law school administration refuses to admit that security has been breached. Instead, Dean Faught announced that the administration is embarking on a new policy of no more posters or signs. Didn't we learn anything from Watergate?

I fully expect James, Dean, to announce, after some youth gang spray-paints "The Young Republicans" on the side of the building, that the administration has decided that plain brick and clear windows are un­sightly, and that henceforth, all graffiti will be left found.

Just wait till Father Baumhart hears about this. Thomas J, Branit

7

letters q]3 SBA & St. Pat

a.m.

Irish Coffee at the law school

parade march with

John Cullerton

after the parade party at

Braehorn Pub

See SBA reps for

Beer and Sandwich tickets

an 1f\\~r' IAADWOJJ ~\t\c_e_ CJ a•cloc~

Better Late Than Never

Feburary 2, 1982 Dear Editor:

Enclosed is your Law Bulletin newspaper award. Sorry it's late.

Please double check to ensure that we're getting your newspaper this year on a regular basis.

Brian C. Own Managing Editor

Law Bulletin Publishing Co.

Class attendence may not be necessary!· Dear Editor:

Recently I began attending law school classes. They are interesting. One tfung distrubs me. The professors at law school don't respect the 10 minute break between classes privilege accorded to us by the ad­ministration. This is irksome. I have always felt that socialization is the most important part of law school. Also college. When I was in college, I only attended the 10 minute breaks between classes. The professors honored them there. I wanted to do that here. Then I discovered that this is more of a dictatorship.

This reminds me. Why is it that we have to go to class? We pay the money so why can't we decide what we want for it? I didn't go to class in college and they let me graduate. They also let me into law school. What does this all mean? Being new to all this I don't unders­tand. Please, Editor, explain this all to me.

Lars, 3D

Dear Lars: Thank you for your letter. I have referred

your letter to our editor in charge of class at­tendance, Larry Robins. His reply will be printed in our next issue.

SherriRudy Editor

8

etc. Blackacrel Wednesday, March 17, 1982

STUDENTS WITNESS MIRACLE Hofstra Law School

SUMMER SESSION 1982

Courses Cred1ts It has just been revealed that

students in Professor Jamie Carey's morning Evidence class witnessed a miracle a few weeks ago as Pro­fessor Carey spoke in tongues. The experience mystified the students; one eyewitness reported that he could not understand a word the pro­fessor was saying.

argued, "The 'definition of life' hear­ings clearly demonstrate that Con­gress has the ear of God. And really, the question boils down to whether God wants to get involved in politics."

Summer Session 1

Commercial Paper Conflict of Laws Criminal Procedure Debtor-Creditor Evidence

2 3 4 3 4 3 4 3 3 2 3 3

"Speaking in tongues' ~ is a rare ex­perience where the believer, whip­ped into a religious frenzy, ex­periences extreme religiom; passion and begins to babble in an unrecognizable language. Among Christians, such an experience is regarded as a miracle.

Other commentators contend that the separation doctrine merely pro­hibits official recognition of miracles, and does not mandate government action to suppress them. For example, the government is not required to persecute religious martyrs.

May24 to July 2

Family Law Individual Income Tax Law and Medicine Remedies Secured Transactions Securities Regulation Unfair Trade Practices

Unreliable and unofficial sources report that this is the first miracle to have occurred in the new law school building. Some miracle watchers, however, claim that once before a miracle took place in the building. On November 16, 1980, according to some reports, the temperature on all floors and in all rooms was perfectly regulated and controlled. Skeptics say that this earlier miracle was merely a coincidence or the result of inaccurate statistical procedures.

When questioned about possible scientific, thus secular, grounds upon which recognition of miracles could be based, Professor Carl Sagan, author of the theory of the ego-centric universe, suggested that miracles are, in fact, caused by ran­dom collisions of bits of star dust, billions and billions of miles from their point of origin.

Summer Session2

Business Organizations Corporate Tax Estate and Gift Tax International Law

4 3 3 2 3 3 3 3

July& toAug.18

Law and Public Education Legislative Process Tax Clinic Products Liability

Professor Sagan has subsequently clarified his statement, remarking, "With all the statistically significant events occurring throughout this vast Cosmos in which we are but a mote in the eye of the heavens and our lifetimes are but a fraction of a second in the coffee break of the Universe, the probability is excellent that if we don't find life-forms on other planets, it will be because they are hiding."

For Further Information Write or Call (516) 560-3636

(i)Hofstra ~i~~ ''"'l•<u•.,., HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY. Hemostead. NY 11550

Hofstra Umvers1ty IS an equal educatJOnal opportundy IOS11tut10n

) More on St. Patrick's Day:

The occurrence of a miracle in the law school has raised serious ques­tions regarding the separation of church and state. Since the law is the province of the state, involve­ment of the law in any religious ac­tivity violates the seperation doc­trine. The use of a Ouija board in the writing of judicial opinions, for ex­ample, has been rejected on these grounds, even though such a prac­tice might make decisions more equitable and readable.

Professor Sagan is currently unavailable for further comment, as he is receiving a tra118plant of Broca's brain.

SBA Blood Drive will be held on ~ SBA will provide coffee, Irish coffee, March 22 in room 124. l 'and munchies at school. Students can

J Bet discounts on beer courtesy of the ~ Brehon Pub. If you see Ron Dietrich

,_._._._..._.._._._._.,_..._..,_.._._...,., before this is printed, he can Bive ~ you more details. He wasn't very

Blacliacre Classifieds! Help Dean S clear last niBht about the beer ... . Faught solve the Paper Crisis. Don't S

It has been suggested, however, that the question of the legality of miracles should be submitted to Con­gress. One commentator has

Miracle analysts are, never­theless, keeping a close watch on the law school in the hope that a clearly identiable trend will manifest itself. Proposals for grants to study any developing trends are currently in the works.

put your ads and notices on the walls ~ Due to the rules of the St. Pat's Day of the school; put them in Blackacre. ~ Parade Committee, Loyola can no Introductory offer: SO words for only ~ lonBer march under its own banner. $1.00. S Students who want to march may do

~ so under State Representative John _ _._.._.._.._.._._._.__...,.....;......-.l Cullerton's (D-12) banner. SBA will

( £()1ltilluecl) "We were going to sell the dear Michael

Withington to the Russians but it seems that they changed their minds. We now need a convenient way to dispose of him, ancry6u,N\r. Diamond, hap­pened to blunder in at just the right moment. We've been wanting to settle old debts with you for some time."

By this time, I had worked· my hands loose but I still had no plan. Time was running out because they were emptying the Walther PPK of all its bullets ex­cept for three and one doesn' t have to be on Law Review to know who those were for. In the nick of time Leroy put his pistol into a pocket and I had the break I needed.

With the speed of lightning I launched a double reverse Indonesian drop-kick, placing a foot in the chests of each of the two thugs. They went down like a ton of bricks because a double reverse drop­kick is a thing of terror. The master who taught this to me was able to snap small saplings with a single kick. I tried to do that once. I broke both my feet. The Great Swami told me that with a little practice I could also learn to break trees, but the island of Ewab, which is off the southwest coast of New Guinea, is greatly lacking in singles bars. I never stayed to complete my training. Not that it mattered, because men's chests are not made of oak.

My PPK flew across the room, landing a few feet from where Lauren was standing. She kicked it towards me. I knew there were only three bullets so my aim had to be true. Quickly, shots pierced the hearts of the two goons.

"Ha! Serves you right, making fun of Jack Dia­mond."

Lauren shouted, "Shut up, and get the Doctor."

I spun low, keeping my center of gravity close to the floor so as to maintain balance, and my arm curved upwards in a -smooth arc. A finger squeezed, and the bullet entered smack dab in the center of the Doctor's forehead. It was a clean wound, the on­ly outward sign being a small red ringlet staining the white of the turban. As the gunplay died away, I heard Lauren shouting.

"You idiot!!! You shot the wrong Doctor."

I lowered my arm calmly and called for Dr. Cassidy to come out now. "Everything is just fine, isn't that right Dr. Cassidy?"

"Oh, thank you Mr. Diamond, I'm so happy that you saw through the fakery. The real Doctor did that just to reduce the risk of being killed. He forced me to be the impostor."

Then Lauren asked, "But how, how did you know?"

"It was easy," I answered, "You see I knew that the Doctor was a totally evil, despicable character. After all, didn't he enjoy the thought of Miss Withington doing pointless legal research? So once I knew that, it was clear that the bad guy could not have been an Irishman. Now Irishmen have their faults, drinking and carousing for example, but no Irishman is ever totally evi l. Aren't I right, Dr. Cassidy?"

"You most certainly are."

At this point, Michael Withington had to leave. He had an Air Force jet waiting to take him to an im­portant meeting at the Pentagon, and Dr. Cassidy was being briefed about the details of S.M.A.S.H., so that left Lauren and I alone.

S post the meetinB place and parade

L=~~~~~~~~~~~-"Well dear, I suppose we should celebrate the

holiday, let's go to the Regis Hotel anyways."

We didn' t go to the party, however. I stopped and bought a bottle of Irish whiskey and several pints of Guiness. I got us a room and once there she poured and we drank. To be continued ....

Note: the Editor does not agree with the characterization "no Irishman is ever totally evil."

DO BETTER ON FINALS!!

Well, at least FEEL better during finals.

While you cram your mind with food for thought and abuse your stomach at Mr. J's, remember that your brain requires good nutrition to perform at peak efficiency. Your (very) nervous system demands ex­tra nutrition for coping with the overload you're about to dump on it.

Sbaklee 100• Natural Food Supple­ment fruit bars (100 calories) - pro­tein energy bars.

ALL products guaranteed. (Sorry, no guarantee of better grades - but, perhaps?)

Contact: COLLEEN on the Student Message Board or phone 327-5566.