The sun crept languidly toward the horizon, casting

the lengthy shadows of dusk across the land. It was a

Monday, I know this because the new episode of House

was on and I was pleasuring my disco stick to Cameron

and 13. As I was nearly finished molesting myself, the

front door flew open and I made a mad, naked scramble

for the bathroom to pretend like I was taking a massive

dump to expel the nachos bell grande I had eaten for

dinner. I heard a familiar voice call to me from the living

room, asking me what I was doing and why there was a

large sweat stain in the shape of a butt on the velvet

couch. “Go away! ‘Baitin!” I yelled, effectively giving away

my poop cover story; a basso profundo chorus of laugh-

ter ensued. I shamefully completed my task and exited

the bathroom.

There in front of me was my roommate, a goofy

smirk on his acne riddled face. I asked him what he was

so smug about, and he laughed again. Brushing past

him, I headed back to the living room to finish watching

House and wallow in the afterglow of self love. “Dude, we

gotta do something tonight,” my roommate said, a hint of

desperation and girlishness in his voice. “Like what?” I

replied, my eyes darting to and fro across the TV screen

between Dr. Cameron’s breasts and Dr. Chase’s, I

mean, Wilson, damn, Cutty’s ass. “Something vile,

something lively, something destructive.” I pondered

what he meant, and decided that we indeed needed to

do something like that, it was one of those days where

you just want to break stuff. So, we both assumed our

thinking positions - leaned back against the couch, side

by side, a beer in one hand, the other hand down each

other’s pants - and we thought; long , VERY long, and oh

so hard..mmm.

After about an hour of thinking, give or take, finally,

I suggested a daring, bold, maneuver of epic proportions

the likes of which no one had ever dared dream of be-

fore; the perfect plan. About the same time that I thought

of this brilliant idea, my roommate seemed to get very

excited, like he had an idea of his own which he promptly

spilled to me. When he finished, I told him that my idea

was we should vandalize something on the campus. No

one had ever done anything that bold before, it would be

awesome. In short, breathless fashion, I relayed, twice,

that what we needed to go do was vandalize the Alumni

center. Everybody goes by there, and we would be in-

stantly infamous. The only downside, I said, was that I

didn’t have a clue as to what we would need to accom-

plish our goal. Luckily, about the time I was finished

stating my idea, my roommate got a raging clue of how

to perform our dastardly deed.

He laid out his plan in front of me and I took it in in

full measure. First, he said, we needed to go to Wal-Mart

or Target or some place of equal prominence to procure

ourselves the necessary accoutrements for the job. I was

confused by this, I didn’t think we would need anything

but our own hands caressing, touching, and defiling each

oth….the building. Negative. My roommate said we

absolutely had to have some victory music for when our

plan came to fruition; he suggested Liza Manelli’s great-

est hits or a copy of The Weather Girls “It’s Raining

Men.” I told him I had that song on my iPod, so we were

good there. He went on to say that of course we would

need disguises so as not to be recognized; I agreed. And

off we went to Wal-Mart.

Luckily, it is now October and the Halloween garb

is out in full attention. We perused the various costumes,

masks, and shimmering accessories for a while, probably

too long, we can never agree on anything when it comes

to fashion! He’s such a whore, and I’m, ok who I’m kid-

ding, I’m a whore too. Finally, something struck my eye

and I knew it was too perfect to pass up. So I grabbed

two shimmery pink wigs and the Japanese school girl

uniforms. My roommate agreed these were indeed the

perfect compliment to his dominatrix boots, and away we

went back to the apartment to finalize our plans.

We decided to forego our usual thinking and plan-

ning ritual, in favor of a helter skelter approach to our

night of debauchery. Had we not, we would never have

left the apartment, my roommate can think for hours,

sometimes days, at a time. We quickly changed into our

disguises and were soon off to commence our festivities,

but not before I did a quick B’dazzle job on the bodice of

our outfits. Gotta look good no matter what you’re doing,

that’s the cardi-

Continued on page 3

By Samuel Clemens

Volume 7, Issue 6 World Post Day October 9, 2009  V

andalism or new

 slid

es at 

the Alumni Center 

VANDAL SCANDAL

Angelo State’s Finest Pap

er Since Fall 2006 

Something to Read

  in Class Today 

“You got canarded” -Seth Chomout, regarding James’s wrong answer on a test.

Quote of the Week

2

O b a m a F i l e s Our nation has just been dealt a horrible defeat. Chicago was not given the  2016  Olympics!  How  is  this  possible?  President  and Mrs.  Obama were there; Mayor Daley was there; even Oprah was there. Oprah! And yet Chicago was the first city eliminated from the voting. There is only one rational explanation. President Obama sabotaged the Chicago bid. It’s  the  only  thing  that makes  sense.  The  rest  of  the world  loves  this guy. They would have the Olympics in New Mexico if he asked them to, so there’s no way that they would have turned down Chicago if it’s truly what Mr. Obama wanted, so he must have sent some subtle signals or 

had a secret meeting to let them know he really did‐n’t  want  the  Olympics.  Now,  I  couldn’t  tell  you the  details  because  obviously  this whole  thing was  secret.  President  Obama wants  us  to  be‐lieve he loves America and wants us to prosper and  flourish,  and  what  better  way  to  bring  in 

money  and  show  off  our  great  nation  than  an Olympics? But obviously given this revelation, 

our  President  hates  this  country  and wants  it  to  decline.  I  have  uncovered his  secret  agenda.  He  is  out  destroy this  country,  so  I  hope  you  will  all stand with me,  and denounce  this blasphemy. He must be stopped. He  sabotaged  us  once,  he’ll  do it again.  

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3

nal rule. As opposed to that golden rule

thing which is just crazy…I mean who

wants to do unto others when you can

lay back and let them do unto you, much

less work that way. And it feels better to

be done to.

Upon arrival to the Alumni center,

my roommate and I had a quick thinking

session to get amped up for what we

were about to do, and we were scream-

ing at the top of our lungs to the Weather

Girls music blaring from our speakers.

As we exited the truck, I grew scared, I

felt like a fish with no water. I wished my

parents were there to take me to the

hostibal. I regained my composure and

joined my roommate who was already

burning down the house. We really let

the bodies hit the floor. I mean, seri-

ously, we were movin’ and groovin, and

just when it hit me, somebody turned

around and they said “FREEZE! Put

you’re hands in the air, and wave’em like

you just don’t care.” So we did, and then

we left, our damage done. We went

home, watched Titanic, thought a little

about what we had done, and fell asleep

in each others hairless, sweaty arms.

What a night.  

Continued from cover

A fun night

THE 7TH DIMENSION Have you ever taken a moment 

to  contemplate  how  many  of  your close  friends,  relatives,  neighbors, and  random  strangers  have  been hiding  the  fact  that  they  have  den‐tures?  People  don't  generally  bring up mention of  their  teeth  in natural conversation,  so  it  wouldn't  be  too unreasonable  to  wonder  if  your fellow man's  teeth are,  in  fact,  fake. 

Those pearly whites in the mouth of a  loved one could be merely  impos‐ters  posing  as  teeth.  They  are  put there to manipulate their spectators into believing that they have a natu‐ral right to be there. Don't fall for it! Dentures are NOT natural. They are faaaaar from natural. I'm going to go as  far  as  to  say  that  they  are  from another  world.  Another  dimension, so to speak.  

The  7th  Dimension.  The  7th Dimension  is  rarely  spoken  of,  and for good reason. Unfortunate events can  occasionally  occur  after  men‐tioning  the  7th  Dimension.  I've heard  of  an  ancient  tale  of  a  young Native  American warrior  spontane‐ously  combusting  after  interpreting cave  drawings  as  the  portal  to  the 7th  Dimension.  Afterward,  the  vil‐lage  elders  sought  for  a  place  to 

dispose  of  his  remains.  They  con‐structed a giant canoe and sailed out to  the  sea.  When  they  came  to  a whirlpool,  they  poured  his  ashes into  the  whirlpool.  They  weren't very  nimble  in  their  canoe  and  un‐fortunately  got  sucked  into  it  as well.  It  is  believed  that  their  lost souls  patrol  the  perimeters  of  the Bermuda  Triangle.  Therefore,  I  will not  spend much  time  talking  about the  7th  Dimension.  I  would  much prefer  to  remain  alive  and  func‐tional. My main goal  is  to  inform all of  mankind  that  dentures  sprout from  the  very  evil  pits  of  the  7th Dimension.  These  pits  are  con‐structed  in  large with  all  things un‐holy  and  dentures  should  thus  be avoided  at  all  costs.  The  entire  rea‐son  that  most  elderly  folk  are  so bitter  and  angry  is  because  their teeth have been extracted and  their 

mouths  have  been  invaded  with these  horrible  replacements.  It causes discord in their temperament like a lethal virus.  

The  effects  that  dentures  have on a person's soul are comparable to the effects that the Black Plague had on  Europe.  Its  a  gruesome  picture, my  friend. One  that  only  a  severely disturbed psychopath would be able to  capture  the  essence  of.  Simply put, dentures cause horrible unhap‐piness.  Stay  away  from  them,  I  say! With that sentiment, I will leave you to  mull  over  my  advice  in  your sparse  homo  sapien  minds.   

Don't trust a hoe. 

Psuedo Nim  

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Top Ten

10. “It's fun to play together” – Xbox Live 9. “Let your fingers do the walking” – Yellow Pages 8. “Please don't squeeze the Charmin” – Charmin 7. “For a solid erection” – Synergy Scaffolding 6. “Nobody beats our meat” – The Meat Men 5. “Your hole is our goal” – Lifesaver Drilling 4. “Save the Earth. There are no crabs on Uranus” – 

Joe’s Crab Shack 3. “Fear the Beaver” – Buckee’s 2. “Our wood stays up longer” – Concho Fencing (the 

inspiration for this top ten) 1.  “Come on in and we’ll satisfy all your buts” – 

Harrelson Toyota Also see: http://www.break.com/index/really‐

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      So, while watching Zombie‐land last week, it was brought to my  attention  by  the  3  pre‐views in a row that this whole 2012 end of the world thing is gaining  in  popularity  at  a rapid  pace.  Really?  I  mean that’s almost as unheard of as preparing  for  deer  to  go  hu‐man  hunting  every  season. Doesn’t anyone remember the Y2K scare? Oh yeah, it’s funny to  laugh  at  now,  but  at  the time,  people  were  seriously freaked out. Computers taking over the world? Come on seri‐ously? That  sounds  like  a  low budget Sandra Bullock Film. 

      But oh, the Mayan calendar stops  December  21,  2012,  it must mean  the world  is  com‐ing  to an end. Doesn’t anyone 

think that perhaps the Mayans just  ran  out  of  cave  to  write on?  Or,  maybe  they  just thought  that  the  calendar would never catch on and that the  Mayan  ladies  only  liked Mayans  that  hunted,  not  the historic  pocket  protector wearing Mayan calendar May‐ans. 

      And lets be real here, we all know there is only one person that knows when the world  is coming  to  an  end……  Chuck Norris.  

 

Peace, Love, & All of  The Above, 

Alvin Shabaz Jenkins 

The end of the world, again

  Hello  again  Ramdicu‐lous  fans,  I  hope you enjoy  this edition  of  the  Ramdiculous page. This week’s issue is focus‐ing  on  the  wondrous  animal called the duck. To me, the duck is a simple yet vile creature. All the  duck  does  all  day  is  quack and  eat  and  quack  some  more. But  during  the  nighttime,  the ducks  are  on  the  move,  to  the their  next  victim.  If  you  didn’t know  ducks  are  famous  art thieves  who  have  never  gotten caught.  There  is  also  another branch  of  ducks who  are  serial killers.  These  serial  killers  on hunt  on  the  fruits  and  vegeta‐bles,  as  a means  from  stopping kids from eating them. This  is a sad  truth  the  government  re‐fuses  to  tell  you.  Even  some famous  celebrities  are  just ducks in disguise. Bet you didn’t know  that  huh?  Its  true.  Such celebrities  are  George  Clooney, 

Penelope Cruz, and Ex President Clinton.  Unfortunately  so  is Miley  Cyrus  (no  wonder  her music  sucks  so  bad).  Be  very careful whenever you decide  to feed  the  ducks  late  at  night, cause they may spawn an attack on  you. Believe  it  or  not,  ducks see  the  bread  you  throw  as  an excuse  to be nice  to  you. When you leave they take all the bread and add  it on  too  their massive bread fort. If you thought ducks we  the  nicest  creatures  to  ever live on earth, then they have got you  completely  fooled.  If  you ever  noticed  how  ducks  some‐time run to you  frantically,  that is  just  their  way  of  telling  you that  they  are  going  to  attack you . So to all Ramdiculous fans out  there,  beware  of  the  ducks cause they are not as they seem. 

‐Krazy Kendra 

WTF?????????????????????????

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Stacy is… well, she’s special… very  special.  She’s  a  math major, so you know there has to  be  something  wrong  with her. That being said however, she really is a great person. It seems  like  she  always  has  a smile on her face, and you can always count on her  to  laugh at  your  jokes  (even  when they suck). Altogether she’s a pretty  fun  person,  and  very sweet,  but  sorry  guys,  she’s engaged, so you’ll have to find someone else to hit on. In any case,  everyone  give  Stacy  at least  three  high‐fives  in  the next week,  and  tell  her  she’s taller  than  you  thought  she was.  

RAM OF THE WEEK

Stacy Lee

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I  once had  a  pet  duck.  I  named him “Mali.”  It was a play on the word  Mallard  combined  with the country of Mali.  I  thought  it was  clever.  I  was  7  (the  same year  I  got  a  globe  for  Christ‐mas).  Mali  was  a  pretty  cute little  duck.  Turned  out  to  be  a bit  of  a  butthead.  As  he  aged, Mali  became  cantankerous, crotchety,  and  crabby.  He snapped at me, bit me, and tore up my mother’s flowers. 

I  was  punished  for  this.  My mother made me go to the store on my skates and get new flow‐ers  with  my  life  savings  and plant  them  in  the  yard.  The store  I  got  the  flowers  at  was two miles away. So I went to the store, and took Mali with me so my  mom  didn’t  make  duck  for dinner. On the way to the store, Mali dove in front of a truck and I  tried  to  save  him.  Unfortu‐nately, I got hit by the truck and the last thing I saw before I lost consciousness  was  Mali,  run‐ning away, free and clear. 

I spent ten weeks in the hospital recovering  from  my  various injuries  and  surgeries.  When  I got  home,  I wanted  to  see Mali and  make  sure  he  was  ok  and 

didn’t  die  from missing me.  He died,  but  that’s  not  why.  My mom made  duck  soup  and  had been  bringing  it  to  me  in  the hospital.  I  thought  that  was chicken  in  the  “chicken  noodle soup.”  I  risked my  life  for  Mali and ended up eating him. 

This  experience  jaded me.  I  be‐came  cynical  and  jaded,  never took my parents advice because of  the  cannibal‐esque betrayal  , and now I’m a delivery driver at Pizza  Hut.  I  live  in  a  crappy apartment  and  don’t  eat  meat anymore  because  of  my  fear that  I’m  eating  someone’s  pre‐cious  pet.  I  don’t  have  enough money  for  health  insurance  so I’ve  become  obsessive  compul‐sive  about  washing  my  hands and  assessing  the  risks  of  my surroundings  to  the  point  that it’s becoming a real disease. 

I  now  hate  ducks.  I  hate  ducks and  Mallards  and  polos  and Ducks Unlimited members. I am forever  scarred  and  iron‐deficient because of you.  I  shall never, ever feed you bread with my  children,  or  my  children’s children. I hope all the nutria in the Concho River eat you all. 

Pragmatic Patsy is Back

R A M D I C U L O U S   P A G E   P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus.  This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper.  We welcome all letters.  Please include your name, position, and an email address.  All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, page@ramdiculous.com or website www.ramdiculous.com.  Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page.  By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing.  If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles. 

Sudoku

Ramdiculous Observances Saturday

International Newspaper  Carrier Day (that’s you!) 

 Sunday

Clergy Appreciation Day (appreciate the  lack of touching) 

 

Monday Free Thought Day 

(to bad it is not free grade day) 

Tuesday National Feed Your Fears Day 

(mine like spam)  

Wednesday Be Bald and Be Free Day 

 

Thursday National Grouch Day (if you are grouchy  we understand...) 

 

COUPLES RETREAT 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:45

FROM MEXICO WITH LOVE

2:00 4:35 7:30 10:20

ALL ABOUT STEVE 2:05 4:40 7:35 10:25

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE

OF MEATBALLS - 2D 2:10 4:45 7:40 10:30

FAME

1:05 4:05 7:05 9:55

JENNIFER'S BODY 1:10 4:10 7:10 10:00

THE INVENTION OF LYING

2:15 4:50 7:50 10:35

PANDORUM 1:25 4:30 7:25 10:15

LOVE HAPPENS

1:20 4:25 7:20 10:10

ZOMBIELAND 1:45 3:00 4:15 5:30 6:45

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Movie Times

The Invention of Lying I  had  decent  hopes  for  this movie.  I  expected  to  be  thor‐oughly  entertained  without having  to  think  too  much though  I did not  think  it would constant  laughter  or  anything amazing.  Well, part of my expec‐tation  was  ful‐filled.  It  was  not anything  amazing by  any  stretch  of the  imagination. For  those  of  you who  don’t  know, the basic premise is  that  up  to  this point,  humans have  not  devel‐oped  the  ability to  lie.  Everyone tells  only  the truth,  and  in  fact, they also are very forthcoming  with  truth  when we might  just keep our mouths shut. Well, one man, Mark Belli‐son  (played  by  Ricky  Gervais), suddenly finds that he is able to lie. At  first he used his  abilities for  personal  gain,  but  then  he begins  to  lie  to help others and 

he ends up  creating  the  idea of religion and an afterlife in order to  comfort  his  dying  mother (this of course will likely offend many  religious  people  since  it essentially  claims  that  religion 

would  not  exist without  lies). All  of  this  is i n t e r t w i n e d with  his  at‐tempts  to  get the  woman  he loves,  Anna M c D o o g l e s (Jennifer  Gar‐ner),  to  be  able to  see  past  his chubby  figure and  dumpy nose and look at who  his  is  and love  him  and want  to be with 

him for that. Altogether, I would say,  this  movie  made  a  good attempt  but  fell  far  short  of  its potential.  I  certainly  laughed  a number of times, but I was quite bored  through a  lot of  it.  I  give this movie a D.