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Vol. 19 Issue 21 All Rights Reserved © 2021

WHY SOME BOOKS ARE

NEVER PUBLISHED Bad lines from bad books

...They lived in a typical suburban

neighborhood with picket fences that

resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

...John and Mary had never met. They

were like two hummingbirds who had

also never met.

... He fell for her like his heart

was a mob informant, and she was the East

River.

... Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel

trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted

shut.

... Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

...The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But

unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

...He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphori-

cal lame duck, either, but a real duck

that was actually lame, maybe from

stepping on a land mine or something.

...The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe

and extended one slender leg behind her,

like a dog at a fire hydrant.

...Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair

after a sneeze.

THE REASON THAT MAN IS SELDOM SATISFIED WITH HIS SALARY IS THAT WHEN IT INCREASES, HE INCREASES HIS EXPENSES

LIFE IS GOD’S NOVEL. LET HIM WRITE IT

Fred: My great grandfather, an avid golfer his whole life,

claimed he watched America win an Olympic gold medal for

golf. I don’t remember golf ever being a featured sport. What

gives? Signed, Sandy Traps.

Dear Sandy: Golf was an Olympic event only twice, once in

1900 and again in 1904. They tried again in 1908, but no one

showed up. The first time out it featured both a men and

women’s event (the first time women had ever competed in the

Olympics). But a scant 4 years later it had been pared back to a

men’s only competition. The 1904 Olympic games included a

putting contest.

In 1900, the men played two rounds (36 holes), summing the

scores. The women played half a round (9 holes). In 1904, the

men played match play. In the 1900 games, the USA came in

first in both the men and women’s events.

In 1904, a Canadian gentleman by the name of

George Lyon, in a match called ‘the greatest

golf tournament ever held in America, won

the gold medal.

Lyon, then in his forties, accepted his

trophy by walking down the path to

the ceremony on his hands.

NEVER BE AFRAID TO TRUST AN UNKNOWN FUTURE TO A KNOWN GOD - CORRIE TEN BOOM

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN A man died and went to heaven. An angel was showing him

around. The two walked side-by-side inside a large workroom

filled with angels. The man’s guide stopped in front of the

first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all

petitions to God said in prayer are received"

The area was terribly busy with many angels writing out peti-

tions sent from people all over the world. Other angels sorted

these requests into huge stacks.

Then the pair moved on down a long corridor reaching a sec-

ond section. The angel then said, "This is the Packaging and

Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people

asked for are processed and delivered to the persons who

asked for them." Again the area was very busy, with many

angels working hard, packaging and delivering the many

blessings that had been requested.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor the man and the

angel stopped at the door of a very small room. To his great

surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing.

"This is the Acknowledgment Section," the angel quietly ad-

mitted. He seemed embarrassed.

"How is it that there's no work going on here?"

I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people re-

ceive the blessings that they asked for, very few

send back their thanks."

OUR GREATEST FEAR SHOULD NOT BE OF FAILURE BUT OF SUCCEEDING AT THINGS IN LIFE THAT DON’T REALLY MATTER

A LIFE IS NOT IMPORTANT EXCEPT IN THE IMPACT IT HAS ON OTHER LIVES - JACKIE ROBINSON

‘BE STRONG’, I WHISPERED TO MY WIFI SIGNAL

YOUR POTENTIAL IS THE SUM OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES GOD HAS FOR YOUR LIFE - CHARLES STANLEY

MY TOASTER HAS TWO SETTINGS: TOO SOON OR TOO LATE

WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

I LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD SO BAD THAT YOU CAN GET SHOT WHILE GETTING SHOT – CHRIS ROCK

BE FAITHFUL IN SMALL THINGS BECAUSE IT IS IN THEM THAT YOUR STRENGTH LIES - MOTHER TERESA

THE LORD YOUR GOD IS IN YOUR MIDST, A MIGHTY ONE WHO WILL SAVE

I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF A 6-MONTH VACATION, TWICE A YEAR

GOD IS SELDOM EARLY BUT NEVER LATE

FOUND INSIDE A FORTUNE COOKIE: ‘WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY!’

I LOVE MY COMPUTER BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE INSIDE IT

* The rarest shape for a human nose is the bulbous

type, exemplified by former U.S. President Bill

Clinton.

* Smuggling a cat out of ancient Egypt was

punishable by death.

* A variety of corn grown in Peru has kernels

so large that they're eaten individually.

* After impressionist painter Claude Monet developed cata-

racts, he agreed to have surgery on his right eye only. It is be-

lieved that afterwards he could see and paint a wide spectrum

of colors usually not seen by the human eye.

* Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks, which stayed in their

stomachs and helped them grind up food.

* One in 23 million people have an allergy to water.

* In 1631, royal printers Robert Barker and Martin Lucas pub-

lished a Bible containing the typo "Thou Shalt Commit Adul-

tery." As if that weren't embarrassing enough, another mis-

print, in Deuteronomy, substituted the word "greatnesse" with

"great-asse." Barker and Lucas were fined 300 pounds and lost

their printing license. Less than a dozen copies of what came

to be known as the "Wicked," "Sinful" and "Adulterous" Bible

are known to exist today and are highly prized by collectors.

* On average, a person's eyes make 15 to 30 gallons of tears a

year.

* A rainbow's arc is relative to the position of the person ob-

serving it, so it is impossible for two people to actually see the

exact same one.

* The air around a lightning bolt is five times hotter than the

surface of the sun.

* While rare, there have been enough reported cases

of strokes triggered by spa massage treatments that

the medical community has nicknamed the phe-

nomenon "beauty parlor stroke syndrome."

* Altocalciphilia is a fetish for high heels.

Thought for the Day: "Ambition is the path to

success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive

in." -- Bill Bradley

(c) 2021 King Features Synd., Inc.