Family SermonEphesians 6v1-4

Healthy authority in the Family

South African families are in a crisis. Here some statistics produced by the

South African Institute of Race relations in 2011:

859 thousand children are growing up without either of their parents.

In addition to that, 624 thousand children are growing up without their

mothers. They’ve just got their fathers.

2 million 4 hundred and 68 thousand children are growing up without their

fathers.

Only 35 percent of children between the age of 0 and 17 are growing up with

both their parents. This means that 65% of children in South Africa do not

grow up in a stable family with both mother and father present.

So if youv grown up with both your parents present, then you are in the

minority in South Africa. One third minority

Now one of the main causes of this is HIV AIDs. Many of these children don’t

have parents, because their parents have died.

But even if we just focus on children whose parents are still alive: even then

we find that 48 percent of them are living without their fathers. Their father’s

are absent from their lives.

Also, there are 122 thousand children in South Africa living in a child-headed

household. Children are leading the home.

And you might think this is because their parents have died. But no. 92 percent

of those 122 thousand children do have parents who are still alive.

And so its not only death that’s causing these statistics. Its also because of

parents who don’t take responsibility for their children.

And then on top of all that. You’ve also got many many kids who might live in

the same house as their parents. Both their parents are present according ot

the stats. But their parents are working such long hours. Whether its studying

or pursuing a career or following their hobbies. That effectively the kids are

growing up without their parents.

And so there’s a family crisis in our land. And this is has a destructive effect on

our society. According to this article, orphaned children are at a significantly

higher risk of missing out on schooling, of living in households with less food,

of suffering from anxiety and depression and of contracting HIV AIDS.

Broken families lead to a broken society.

But Im not done yet. There’s more. The breakdown in families doesn’t just flow

from absent parents. It also flows from a failure of parents to exercise their

Biblical roles.

Even if both parents are present in their children’s lives. Its becoming

increasingly difficult for parents to exercise a Biblical role.

We live in culture that despises authority. This is true of many young people in

South Africa. We’ve had experience of oppressive authority in our past. And so

authority has taken on very negative connotations. We live in a generation of

people who wanna break free.

And this isn’t only true in South Africa. We get the same message from

Hollywood. Most kids movies nowadays make parents seem dull and

controlling. According to Teen magazines, parents are an unwanted authority

who restrict our freedom. We are encouraged to rebel.

And so this is the culture we live in. It despises authority. Children are not

encouraged to obey their parents. And so if ur a parent who wants to enforce

obedience. Well then you looked down upon by society. Ur old fashioned. You

narrow minded. You’re cruel.

But what I want you to see is that according to the Bible, this is not a good sign.

According to the Bible this is one of the signs that we entering into terrible

times.

In 2 Timothy 3 verse 1, God says: “But mark this: there will be terrible times in

the last days. And then he lists the signs of terrible times:

“people will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud,

abusive…, disobedient to their parents

Same thing in Romans 1 verse 28. Paul talks about the fact that God has given

people over to their wickedness. To a depraved mind to do what ought not to

be done. And then he lists the signs that God has done this

They have become God-haters, insolent, arrogant, boastful; inventing ways of

doing evil; they disobey their parents.

And so this is a sign of terrible times, of people given over to wickedness.

When children disobey their parents.

And so Im sorry to start on a negative note this morning. But we do need to

recognize this. We do face a family crisis in our land. And so we desperately

need God’s voice. We need his help. We need His instruction. What is a healthy

family according to God?

Well we began to see the answer last week. We’ve started a new section in

Ephesians. Chapter 5 verse 21

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

And what we said last week is that this isn’t a command for us all to submit to

each other equally. As if a boss must submit to his employee or a father must

submit to his child. No. this is a heading for the upcoming verses. From chapter

5 verse 22 up until chapter 6 verse 9, Paul unpacks what this verse means. He

tells us who must submit to who.

So in verses 22-33 he speaks about husbands and wives. Husbands have

authority over their wives. Then in 6 verse 1-4 he speaks about parents and

children. Parents have authority over their children. And then finally, in verse

5-9 he speaks about slaves and masters. Masters have authority over their

slaves.

And so this morning, we come to the second section under this heading: the

relationship between children and parents. But before we dive just two

introductory comments:

Firstly, these comments come in the context of a book that tells you how to get

saved. And so we now in the second half of the book which gives us practical

instructions on how to live as people who have been saved. And that’s very

important, because you might not be a saved person sitting here. And the last

thing I want you to do is go away this morning and think that being a Christian

is all about having healthy families. You might apply these instructions. You

might have a healthy looking family. But you and your family might still end up

going to hell. And that’ll be tragic. And so our great desire for you is to be

saved. Don’t just go and apply these instructions without first getting right

with the Lord.

Secondly Paul speaks about husbands and wives before he speaks about

parents and children. I think that’s significant. You see, if you want a healthy

family, If you wanna be good parents to your children. The first thing you need

to do is have a good relationship with your spouse. Be a good husband or wife.

If you ask me: what’s the greatest gift your parents ever gave you?

Well it’s the fact that they taught me about the Lord. That’s the greatest gift.

But what’s the 2nd greatest gift? Well It’s the fact that they loved each other.

They were faithful. They had a good marriage.

If your parents are loving each other, then that is a precious gift.

If you wanna be good parents, the first step is focus on your marriage. Be a

good husband. Be a good wife.

But now lets dive in. What about the relationship between parents and

children?

And I want us to see two main points this morning. Firstly to children. submit

to the authority of your parents. Secondly to parents, be good authorities to

your children.

So firstly, children, this ones for you. submit to the authority of your parents.

And one of the beautiful things about this is that this verse speaks directly to

children. In other words, God’s Word isn’t only for adults. God wants to speak

to children. It shows that children are important to Him. He wants them to

listen to Him. He wants to have a relationship with them. That’s why we’ve

focused on our Sunday school. Building new Sunday school rooms. Getting

more teachers. Attracting more kids. Its not just to provide child care so that

parents can listen to God’s Word. Its so that we can provide teaching for our

children. We want children to know God.

And at the moment we do have a young families Bible study every Wednesday

where the children also come. But because of the number of kids and a lack of

teachers. Its impossile to teach the kids during that time. They simply have to

be watched and controlled.

I wanna change that. And so Im looking for teachers. We need at least two,

preferably 3 People who will be committed to preparing lessons and teaching

these kids. And if you’d like to do that please come and speak to me.

But of course there’s a sense in which all of us are children. Unless ur an alien

in disguise. We all have human parents. And so we all children.

But here Paul’s especially focused on children who are still growing up. You can

see that in verse 4. It speaks about bringing your children up in the instruction

of the Lord.

And so this command to obey your parents, its not talking to full grown

children. If ur a grown up. You don’t still have to obey your parents. But all of

us still have the responsibility to honour our parents. There is a difference. And

I think that’s an important distinction to make.

But Paul focuses here on children who are still growing up. And he give us

three reasons why children must obey their parents.

The first one’s in verse 1. Its very simple. “Children obey your parents in the

Lord, for… this is right.”

What a simple reason!

Why must children obey their parents? Simply because it’s right.

You see you don’t need to be very spiritual to understand this. You don’t have

to go to Bible College. You don’t need to study your bible. You don’t even need

to be a Christian.

This is something that many non-Christians can understand. You can read non-

Christian books about it. You can see it on non-Christian TV programs. Many

non-Christian societies in the world throughout history have recognized this.

Its good for children to obey their parents.

And In fact, you don’t even need to be a human being to understand this. This

is a simple law of nature. Even animals understand it. A mother lion will train

its cubs how to hunt. A mother bird will teach its chicks how to fly. A mother

horse will help its foal to walk.

What a dangerous and foolish thing it would be for a baby animal not to obey

its parents!

You see, this is a simple law even in nature. This is how God has made the

world.

And so no wonder it’s the sign of terrible times… when this basic law is

ignored.

My little boy’s 3. And he’s just entering the “why” stage. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Where the response to everything is why. They wanna know the reason. And sometimes this’ll extend to obedience. Eat your food. Why? Brush your teeth. Why? Pick u your toys. Why?

And we gona talk just now about communicating to our kids. We do wanna address their minds. As far as possible we want them to see the reason for our command.

But for children, this must never be a condition for obedience. You mustn’t require a good reason before you will obey. Even if you can’t see the reason. Even maybe if you disagree with your parents reason. You still need to obey. Simply because its right.

Children obey your parents, for this is right.

Then in verse 2 Paul gives a 2nd reason why children must obey their parents.

Its because this is a command with a promise. Verse 2. ‘“Honour your father

and mother” – which is the first commandment with a promise. (here’s the

promise) - “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on

the earth.”’

Now Paul is quoting here from the 10 commandments. Exodus chapter 20 verse 12. But I want you to notice, Paul changes the promise slightly. See if you can notice. In Exodus it says: “honour your mother and father that you may live long and it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

But here in Ephesians Paul says: “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

And the reason for the change is because in the Old Covenant God’s promises were specifically for the Jews. For one nation living in one land. But now God’s promises have extended to all nations in all the earth. And so the promised land for God’s people isn’t just the land of Canaan. The fulfilment of the promised land is the whole earth. Ultimately a new heavens and a new earth. But even now, in this earth. there blessings that come if we obey our parents.

And so I want you to think about this: Who are the beneficiaries of this

promise? When a child obeys their parents? Who is the one who benefits from

their obedience?

We often think its the parents. Imagine how good our lives would be if our

children always obeyed us. If we were writing this verse we’d say children

obey your parents that it may go well with them that they might enjoy long life

on the earth. It definitely seems to shorten our lives when we’ve got

disobedient children. But that’s not what this verse says.

It doesn’t say: honour your mother and father that their lives might be easy,

that they might be blessed. This promise is addressed to the children. If you

obey your parents, then you will benefit from your obedience.

And so Let me ask you parents: according to this verse: what makes you a cruel

parent? We usually think that a cruel mother is one who forces her children to

obey. A cruel father is one who punishes his children. But not according to this

verse. According to this verse, a cruel parent is one who allows his children to

disobey. He allows his children to move outside of this promise of blessing

Proverbs 19 verse 18 says: “discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do

not be a willing party to his death.”

And so how cruel it is not to discipline our children. According to Proverbs wer

being a willing party to their death. We’re encouraging them along,…

on the pathway to the grave

If you wanna be kind to your children you need to make sure that they obey.

And if you wanna receive blessings as a child, then you need to obey your

parents. This is a command with a promise.

And then thirdly, I want you to see the most important reason why children

must obey. Its because our parents have authority from the Lord.

Verse 1 again: “Children, obey your parents… in the Lord”.

You see, who are you obeying when we obey our parents? You actually

obeying the Lord.

I grew up with two brothers. And we were all quite competitive. And so we

used to hate obeying each other. Actually We still do. And If I told my brothers

that they must do something, they’d automatically want to do the opposite. If

I went out and called my brothers for supper and I said: guys, you must come

inside now for supper. The chances are they wouldn’t obey.

But if I went out and I just added 2 words to my sentence. If I said: guys mom

says you must come inside now for supper. Then they’d be happy to obey,

because now they not actually obeying me. They obeying my mom. They

recognized that I’m speaking with the authority of my mom.

And in the same way, we need to recognize that parents speak with authority

from the Lord. It might sometimes feel very difficult to obey our parents. But

we need to remember who we obeying. Our parents have authority from the

Lord. And so we obey them out of obedience to Him.

And this also applies to non-Christian parents. When it says, “we must obey

our parents in the Lord” its not saying that we must only obey our parents if

they Christians. Its saying we must obey them as long as they don’t disagree

with the instructions of the Lord. So If your parents tell you, you mustnt read

your Bible or you mustn’t go to church. Or you must engage in some ceremony

that involves acestor worship. Then we must disobey them.

But otherwise we must make every effort to obey our parents as if we were

obeying the Lord.

That’s the command to children: submit to the authority of your parents. Now

secondly, a command for parents. Be a good authority to your kids.

Some of you are parents already. Some of you will be parents in the future.

This is how to be a good authority figure in your children’s lives.

And even though I think verse 4 can be applied to both mothers and fathers,

notice that it’s addressed specifically to fathers.

Fathers you are responsible for raising your kids. Don’t just leave the child

raising to your wives. As if

“Im the man. I work. And then I come home. And I eat. And I watch TV.”

No if ur the father then ur primarily responsible for raising your kids. God’ll ask

you about their spiritual condition. Are you teaching them the Bible? Are you

making sure they in Sunday school? If you notice bad habits developing. Bad

trends in their behaviour. Then you need to take action.

And Verse 4 gives the wrong way and the right way to raise your kids.

the wrong way is to exasperate them. Fathers do not exasperate your children.

To exasperate someone means to frustrate them or to provoke them to anger.

Its possible to raise our children in such a harsh and controlling way that we

make them resent us. We fill them with anger and bitterness. Colossians 3

verse 21 says: Fathers do not embitter your children.

I found the following quote helpful from Peter O Brien:

This verse rules out excessively severe discipline,

unreasonably harsh demands, …

arbitrariness,

unfairness,

constant nagging and condemnation,

subjecting a child to humiliation,

all forms of insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities.

Fathers need to recognize that while children are expected to obey their

parents in the Lord, they are still persons in their own right who are not to be

manipulated, exploited or crushed.”

So that’s the wrong way. What’s the right way? Verse 4 again. Do not

exasperate your children

instead …bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I want you to see three things about this right way to discipline your child.

Firstly, you have the responsibility to bring your kids up. The word for bringing

up here is literally the word for nourish. Its your responsibility to feed your kids

and to nourish them. Not just physically. But emotionally and spiritually. So

that they grow up and become mature.

As we’ve seen, there are so many parents who abandon their children. They

leave them in the hands of family or the government or the school. They don’t

spend time with their kids.

In order to nourish your kids you need to spend time with them. The people who spend the most time with them are most probably the ones who will have the greatest influence upon them. And so this is more important than having a good job so that you can buy a fancy house for your kids or so that you can buy your kids lots of toys. A greater gift will be to spend time with your kids. And its not just the quantity of time. It’s the quality of time. Where your kids have your full focus. Turn your phones off. Stop checking whatsapp or news24. Swiitch off from work. Have regular time when you give your kids undivided attention. Take responsibility to bring them up?

Then secondly, train them and instruct them.

We’ve already spoken about the importance of obedience. We need to make

sure that our children obey us. One of the qualifications for a leader in 1

Timothy 3 verse 4 is that he needs to manage his own family well and see that

his children obey him with proper respect.

And so this is our responsibility. To make sure that our children obey. And so

we do need to discipline them and punish them for disobedience.

But the thing I want you to notice is that discipline and instruction go together.

Don’t think you’re doing a good job of raising your kids if you simply punish

everytime they do something wrong.

I think sometimes as parents we might be tempted to have a mechanical

understanding of discipline. As if its this mathematical equation. Have strong

laws for your kids. Punish them if they break any laws. In the end they’ll turn

out fine. But actually good discipline should always go with instruction.

Listen to these words by Dr Martyn lloyd Jones.

And he says: “In order to administer discipline in the right and true way there

must always be a reason for it; it is not to be applied in a mechanical way. It

must always be intelligent; there must always be a reason for it, and that

reason should always be made plain and clear. It must never be thought of in

terms of pressing a button and expecting a result to follow. That is not true

discipline; it is not even human. That belongs to the realm of mechanics. But

true discipline is always based on understanding; its got something to say for

itself; its got an explanation to give.”

You see what Lloyd Jones is saying. We mustn’t treat our children like

machines. This isn’t like mechanical engineering. Its not like a law of

mechanincs: If we just punish our children properly, then they’ll turn out fine.

Our children are not machines. They’ve got minds. They’ve got hearts. And

therefore we must treat them like people. Give explanation. Communicate.

Address their hearts. Discipline and instruction go together.

And then finally, the most important thing about right discipline is that we

must lead our children to the Lord.

Verse 4 says: don’t exasperate your children, but bring them up in the training

and instruction of the Lord.

And so this is your biggest aim as a children. Its possible to raise well-

mannered and secure and polite kids without leading them to the Lord.

And they might become very succesful in this life. But they might end up going

to hell.

And then will you really be able to say that uv done a good job as a parent. If

you havent led them to the Lord.

This should be oour great aim. And so we need to realize our children don’t

ultimately belong to us. They belong to the Lord. We aren’t making them our

disciples. We making them disciples of the Lord.

Jen and I had dinner with a couple a few weeks ago and they’ve got four

wonderful kids who are clearly being well brought up as Christian kids. And so

we asked them if they’ve got any main goal or overriding principle that guides

them as they raise kids. And I thought he gave a great answer. He said: “My

main aim is to teach my kids how to transfer their hands out of my hand and

into the hand of Jesus.”

I think that puts it well.

We need to hand over. Not produce kids who are overly dependant on us.

Who are controlled by us. But kids who have learnt to walk with the Lord

There’s a very helpful little book by Tim Chester and Ed Moll. And they argue

that the biggest obstacle to good discipline is our own selfish hearts”. We want

our children to obey us so that they’ll do whatever we want.

And so you need to make sure that your discipline isn’t motivated by

selfishness.

Here 3 selfish motives that parents must avoid

1) Firstly, the desire to impress other people – we focus all our attention on

making sure that our children have good manners. They communicate

well. They friendly. They make us look good to people around us. We

want to impress people.

2) Wanting you children to be successful – we push our children. We

challenge them. We drive them. We want them to achieve. We want

them to get awards. We show disappointment when they fail. We don’t

let anything get in the way of their success.

3) Wanting to feel in control – we dominate our children. We force them fit

in with our plans, to follow our dreams. We crush their dreams and their

personalities. We want to be control.

Its very easy for these motives to influence our discipline.

And so we need to examine our motives. If we allow these things to motivate

us, we’ll exasperate our children. Good discipline isnt about us. Its about

leading our children to the Lord.

And so this morning, I hope you’ve seen a vision of a healthy family. God has

given parents authority over their children. But its an authority to be used for

the Lord.

And so its true in South Africa, we’ve experienced bad examples of authority.

Some of you might have experienced very bad examples from your parents.

But the opposite of bad authority isn’t no authority. The opposite of bad

authority is good authority. And that’s what we see in these verses.

Lets pray