Richardson, R.W. (2011)

Family Ties that Bind (4th

ed.).

As adults dealing with the stresses and

pressures of „grown-up‟ life, it is not

uncommon to find ourselves faced with

emotional vulnerabilities and childlike

responses reminiscent of our past. This can

take us by surprise or be an all too familiar

scenario, particularly when in the company

of members of our original family such as a

parent, sibling, cousin, aunt or uncle. Have

you ever wondered why your emotional age

drops dramatically when in the presence of

the people you grew up with? Family

gatherings, especially Christmas, are the

perfect opportunity to observe adult

siblings playing out the roles they played as

children in relation to each other and their

parents or caregivers.

We slot quickly and easily back into our positions as “the baby of the family”

or “the responsible one” and so on despite perhaps having changed

considerably outside the family. So why do our behaviours, insecurities,

jealousy and resentments from decades ago continue into our adult life

when it comes to family?

Children up to around the age of ten usually assume that their experiences

within the family are not only normal, but mirrored in other families. Whether

they are satisfied or not, children tend to believe that the ways of relating

within their family structure are typical, adopting these behaviours and values

as their own. Before too long however, exposure to other families and

relationships opens up other possibilities. But our early influences are strong

and it can be difficult to let go of the messages from our childhood that may

not be so useful anymore. As a first step, it is important to simply recognise

and accept that our original family system, also referred to as our Family of

Origin has enormous influence over our beliefs, expectations and behaviour

as adults, even for those who are estranged or living on the other side of the

world.

In our fast-paced, individualistic Western culture, much attention is focused

on the characteristics and processes within people. We are constantly asking

ourselves questions like “am I happy enough, successful, smart, healthy and

so on?” The list of individual pursuits and benchmarks is endless yet there

are times when it can be overwhelming and we wonder when the vulnerable,

inner child will catch up with the ageing face in the mirror. What is being

neglected in our culture, particularly when things start to go wrong, are the

multigenerational influences between family members which have shaped the

individual.

Every member of our family, both past and present, has impacted on the

other family members in one way or another. For example, in order to

reduce anxiety and tension within the family, our parents (and

grandparents, and great-grandparents before them and so on) adopted

patterns of behaviour, belief systems and particular responses for dealing

with problems. You may have been told “always be nice and put others

first” whilst for others it was “get in first and fight for what you want”.

Where did these messages originate? And why are they so different

between families? Regardless of the underlying message, as children, we

learnt these messages and responded accordingly, subsequently growing

into adults without necessarily questioning the values and beliefs that

underpin our views of the world. That is of course until we began to interact

with people, particularly partners whose value systems differed from our

own, or worse still, we began to recognise that our „set in stone‟ beliefs and

automatic responses are sabotaging our happiness and relationships.

The good news is, families are open, living systems that evolve over time,

bringing new types of relationships, energy and challenges. This means

that there are endless possibilities for change and growth. Through self-

reflection and the exploration of our extended family system it is possible

for individuals to continue to belong to the family they grew up in, to be

part of it both physically and emotionally yet maintain psychological

separateness and the ability to function independently with confidence,

even if your attitudes differ.

To be differentiated means to maintain close relationships with your parents,

siblings or extended family without becoming overwhelmed, overly involved or

influenced by their needs, beliefs and evaluations. If, for instance, parental

anxiety, or unresolved anger from previous generations have been

unintentionally transmitted (projected) onto you as a child, you can begin to

understand those beliefs and behaviours that you have adopted and start to

make changes by challenging the messages that have had adverse effects on

your expectations of others, as well as on your emotional and psychological

wellbeing. Rather than breaking away from one‟s family of origin (cutting-off),

you can begin the process of growing away (obtaining emotional objectivity). As

a starting point to obtaining emotional objectivity, it may be useful to complete

a family tree or genogram, observing the types of personalities that have

influenced yourself and other family members. A helpful resource to begin this

process is Monica McGoldrick‟s “You Can Go Home Again”. Another good

starting point is “Family Ties that Bind” by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Both books

guide the reader in understanding their family of origin and exploring its

influence on their sense of self.

Many of us grow old waiting for other family members to change. We

can however, take the first step towards acceptance by looking at

ourselves and the generations that came before us in order to gain a

deeper understanding of our family‟s unique characteristics and how

they have influenced each individual within the system. It is possible

to maintain a balance between belonging to our past and growing (or

differentiating) as an individual. One must first begin to reject the

attitudes, behaviours and beliefs of others within the family system

that aren‟t working for us and more importantly, start to identify and

develop the ones that are.

To know more details, visit:

http://www.livewellcentre.com.au