two things about men about women - amazon s3 things men and women comple…we’d like to share with...

TWO THINGSwomen need to know

ABOUT MENand two things men need to know

ABOUT WOMEN

J A M E S S K I N N E RR O I C E K R U E G E R

M A R K V I C T O R H A N S E N

KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER

© 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 1

Ideas That Can Change Your Life™ in Relationships

Two Things Women Need to

Know About Men and Two

Things Men Need to Know

About Women Keeping Your Relationship Together

James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen

“Two Things Women Need to Know About Men

and Two Things Men Need to Know About

Women” gives four ideas that can help keep

couples together.

___________________________________________



Two Things Women Need to Know About Men and Two Things Men Need to Know About Women

The Authors

JAMES SKINNER is the founder of two global financial

groups that manage billions of dollars of assets. He is

also recognized as one of the world’s foremost business

thinkers and appears regularly on Japanese television.

ROICE KRUEGER co-founded Franklin Covey, the

world’s largest training company, and has supervised

consulting projects for 80 percent of the Fortune 500.

MARK VICTOR HANSEN is the co-creator of the Chicken

Soup for the Soul empire and is the best-selling nonfiction

author of all time. His goal is to make the planet work

for all humanity!

NOTE: Ideas That Can Change Your Life™ is a

collaboration of three of the world’s most amazing

authors, speakers, and thinkers. The first person “I” may

refer to any of the authors.




Getting Focused in Relationships

We’d like to share with you four ideas that can change

your life in relationships.

Over the years, we have had the opportunity to

work with and counsel many couples who have

experienced relationship problems even to the point of

breaking up.

In this short book we’re choosing to focus on two

things that every woman needs to know about men and

two things that every man needs to know about women.

Focusing in on these two distinctions alone will

dramatically improve the quality of your intimate

relationships and significantly decrease the likelihood of

your relationship suffering failure and break up.

There are many insights we could share, but in this

book we want to focus in on the areas with the highest

leverage—the areas where the largest number of couples

seem to get it wrong.




First of all, it’s important to be clear that successful

relationships are about giving. To know what and how

to give, you need to know what your partner truly needs.

Two Things Women Need to Know About Men

The prevailing opinion seems to be that men don’t

know much about women, which is usually true!

The flip side is also true. A lot of cultural humor is

based on what we don’t know about the opposite sex!

But on the serious side of things, we all have to

admit it would be useful to truly understand our

partners so we can avoid the pitfalls that cause

relationships to fail and partners to leave.

Here are two things that our research and

experience have taught us about what women need to

know about men.

1. Men get more tired than women.




There is a biological reason for this. In the evolution of

the human species, men were very often in charge of the

hunt.

The hunt requires a great deal of waiting, followed

by a great burst of energy. So, men have a tremendous

amount of strength they can exhibit quickly. However,

they can sustain their strength for only a very short

period of time.

In contrast, women have the ability to sustain

physical effort over a much longer time. This is why a

man can end up being more physiologically exhausted

than a woman.

The exhaustion men experience actually happens

with great regularity. Did you know that?

Men, how often do you feel completely exhausted?

Is it once a year, once a month, once a week, or once a

day?




At least once a day is what our research shows. Men

say that at least once a day they experience a time when

they are completely exhausted.

Through our surveys we have found out when that

time is. Wouldn’t it be very useful for a woman to know

when a man has hit his low point?

You want to know when he is at his lowest point

because this is a time when you have an opportunity to

either make or break a relationship.

Here it is: Very predictably, men experience their

low point—an extreme level of exhaustion—at the end

of their working day.

Men experience total exhaustion at the end of

their working day!

So when your partner comes home from work or

you meet him after work, he is at a low.




Try looking at him at that moment as if he’s more

tired than you will ever be in your life. Now, that may or

may not be true, but that’s not the point; because if you

believe that it is true, you will get a good result in your

relationship.

It does not matter if the distinctions in this book

are true, what matters is that they work!

To use this knowledge in your relationship, get an

hourglass (or use a kitchen timer) that measures one

hour and turn it upside down when you meet your

partner at home at the end of the work day.

If you meet him somewhere after work, then time it

with a clock or watch.

For one hour, and one hour only, your task is to

help your partner recover his physical energy.

Remember, relationships are about giving, and this is

one of the great gifts you can give him that will keep

him wanting to be in a relationship with you forever.




For one hour, your job is to help him recover his

physical energy!

So, say your partner comes home from work, and

you have one hour to focus on the recovery of his

energy.

You might say something like “Dear, would you like

to relax with a hot bath?”

Right now the man is thinking, “I’ve got this thing

wired. I come home and my wife asks me, ‘Would you

like a hot bath?”

“Would you like something to eat?’” (You offer

food because this also helps to recover physical energy.)

“Dear, why don’t you sit down in front of the TV;

here’s the remote control.”

He’s thinking, “You know, I’ve got a boss who

works over me and thinks he’s got his life set up; but he




has no idea. He’s going home right now to who knows

what, but I have the best woman on earth.”

You see how easy this is?

Don’t let the simplicity of this approach mask its

validity; just chalk it up to biology and also remember

that it’s only for one hour.

Right now we’re talking about what you can give

him. In a minute we’ll talk about what he can give you.

Helping your man recover his energy after the hunt

is what should happen. The reality, however, in most

relationships is very different.

The man comes home only to hear his partner say,

“Honey, why didn’t you take out the trash this

morning?”

And he’s thinking, “I’m completely exhausted, I’ve

just gotten home from work, and my mind is on all the

tasks at work that I’ve done or haven’t done; I come




home, and it’s one more task, one more job. I don’t

have the physiological and emotional strength to handle

it right now.”

If the man is stressed beyond his ability to cope, he

may even say, “AHHHH! I can’t handle this right now.

I’m out of here!” Maybe forever.

This is a common scenario that destroys thousands

of relationships.

If a woman hits her man with an emotional

outburst when he is tired, she will look like just one

more job that he does not want to handle!

So, turn your hourglass over. You have one hour to

help your partner restore his energy.

The other time in the day when men experience a

physiological low when they are completely exhausted

and don’t have the energy to deal with things is directly

after sex.




Women, after sex, may be thinking, “I want him to

talk to me, and he’s going to sleep!” Of course he is

going to sleep; he’s more tired than you have ever been

in your life!

So what you need to do is give him an hour and let

him regain his energy.

2. Men need for women to tell them what they want

them to do.

Once the hour is over, he can do the things you want

him to do. This is good.

If you want him to listen to you, he can listen to

you. If you want him to take out the trash, he can take

out the trash.

However, men are not very smart (we can say that

and get away with it because we are men).

So what they need is for you to tell them what you

want them to do.




Women want men to figure it out without their

being told, but it’s not working.

It hasn’t been working for thousands of years, so we

all need to get used to it.

Men don’t know, so they need you to tell them.

You need to tell your man exactly what it is that

you want him to DO.

So if you want them to listen to you, say, “Darling,

would you mind listening to me for a while?” And he’ll

say, “I can do that.”

“Darling, would you take out the trash?” The man

gets it when the woman makes it clear what she wants.

He’s thinking, “I can do that; I can make her happy.”

Here’s the thing: A man’s driving, underlying desire

in a relationship is to make the woman happy. But you

need to coach him and let him know what he needs to

do, because men are task-oriented animals.




It helps men to feel good about themselves when

they know how to make their partners happy.

A man really wants to make his partner happy,

but he needs coaching on how to do it!

These are two very simple things that a women can

do to strengthen her relationship with her partner.

Try them and see what happens.

The results are miraculous!

Two Things Men Need to Know about Women

1. Women test your steadfastness by sometimes

appearing to take a contradictory position.

The number-one thing that you need to do as a man to

make sure that your partner feels okay and comfortable

with you as a man is to never sacrifice or compromise on your

mission or your work in life.




Let’s go back to the evolution of the species for a

minute.

When ancient man went out to hunt, the woman

usually was not able to see the man at work, so she

wasn’t able to know whether the man was a really

competent worker or a really poor worker.

But a man’s ability to provide safety and economic

stability was vitally important to a woman and her

children.

So for thousands and thousands of years women

have found ways to test and see whether or not her man

is someone she can rely on to protect her and to take

care of her and her children.

In a relationship, women need someone who is

going to be there with them and for them, protect the

family, and make sure that things are going to be okay.

Since a woman cannot see a man proving himself at

work or in other contexts, she tests him at home.




Women will often pressure a man to sacrifice his

mission or his work, just to see how steadfast he is in

this dimension of life.

Women will instinctually test their men to see if they

are solid, reliable, and worth having around. That is a

core question women need the answer to.

Therefore, your partner will test you to see whether

or not you are dependable in the areas of work and

community responsibilities, and when she does you

need to be an absolute rock in this dimension.

Say your village is being and you are going off to war

to defend it, and your partner could go, “No, don’t go, I

can’t survive without you!” So you tell her, “OK, forget

the war.” And that’s when the woman knows it’s over.

Women want a man who will stick by their mission.




So, in your work or in your job do not compromise

on the quality and results that you deliver, and do not

compromise on how you deal with your customers.

Be seen as a person who is reliable and your partner

will feel safe in her relationship with you.

It’s important to not compromise in that area even

when she is apparently pushing you to do so.

If she sees you as being reliable in this area, as being

a man of integrity, unbendable before the pressures of

life, there is very little chance of her ever wanting to

change you in for a different model.

Never compromise where your mission in life is

concerned.

Deep down, what she wants is not for you to

compromise; what she really wants you to say is

“Darling, I love you; I’ll see you when I get back.” She

needs to know she can trust that you will do as you say.




2. Women need for you to show them every day that

you are thinking of them.

We have interviewed men all over the world. If we ask

them to answer truthfully to the question When it comes

down to it, if you had to choose between putting your partner first

and putting your work first, which will you choose? Many men

will say “work,” provided there are no women present.

Their response reflects the fact that men are

hardwired to take care of not only their own families but

also the entire village.

Men will put their lives on the line for their own

families, yes, but they will do the same for the families

of other people.

It’s really quite amazing.

If a man sees a child being attacked by someone

else, the man will jump in there and protect the child at

great risk to himself, even though the child is not his

own.




Men are programmed to take their work very

seriously, at both the social level and the biological level.

But while men are taking their work seriously,

women have another challenge. A woman might be able

to tell how much you care about your work, but she also

needs to know how much you care about your

relationship with her.

Your woman needs to know that you care about

your work AND that you care about her!

So, every day, you need to do one thing that shows

her that you are thinking about her.

It’s not very complicated. But just as ancient man

may have had to be off hunting for days on end, men

and women today may have business trips or family

concerns that take them away from each other for

extended periods of time.




Women need to know that even when you are away

from the family, you are still thinking of them and that

you are still a reliable part of that group.

This is vitally important to a woman’s psychological

needs.

Here’s how you can respond to the need she has:

Do one thing each day that shows that you were

thinking of her and the family.

You could phone her and say, “I just wanted you to

know that I was thinking about you.” Or when you

come home from work, you could stop by a flower shop

and bring home a flower and say, “I was just thinking of

you on the way home and wanted you to have this.” Or

maybe during your lunch break you write a little card to

her that says “You mean everything to me, and even

when I am working I want you to know I am doing it

for you.”

Men, if you want to really get it right with your

partner, if you have to go on the road, write a bunch of




little love notes and leave them for her to find. She will

feel wonderful that you cared enough to leave her those

love notes.

These four ideas are very simple: just two things

each partner needs to know that will help meet the

needs of the other.

Ultimately, a relationship is a place we go to give

something to the other person. That’s what the

relationship is there for.

Human beings will always find a way to fulfill their

needs, and if they can’t fulfill them in this relationship,

they will often look for fulfillment in other places and

other relationships.

Then neither partner ends up with what they want.

So it is very important for all of us to understand

what our partners are seeking from us. These four needs

are ones we consistently found among the people we

have coached.




To help you accomplish these four things there is

one other thing you can do: Sit with your partner and

ask them what the most important thing is that they

wish you were doing for them that you are not. Usually

they will name just one or two things. And if you can

focus on a couple of things, that is very doable.

Gratitude Makes it All Worthwhile

I have four married children, and from time to time they

come to me with their relationship problems.

Then I always challenge my children to do this:

Every day, every day, do something special for the other

person. And even if it is nothing else than a thank you,

be very specific to name what your partner did that day

and give them your heartfelt gratitude with a hug or a

kiss. Make sure you do that every day.

If we are thankful for our spouse every day and if

we catch them doing something right every day, then we

are starting to focus on the positive.




Who doesn’t like to be complimented for doing

something right and to feel loved and appreciated?

This loving practice creates a climate of service to

each other instead of a pattern of complaining that the

other person isn’t doing enough.

In other books we are going to talk more about

relationships and take you to higher levels.

Most people have never decided how good they

want to make their relationships.

For those of you who are divorced, how many of

you can say you have a good relationship with your ex-

partner?

You can have an excellent relationship with this

person.

Good relationships are extremely doable in a brand-

new civilized world where we are going to higher

dimensions than we have ever gone to before.




A good marriage doesn’t just happen; we have to

work at it. The good news is that the “work” we have to

do is all about connecting and giving. And that’s always

worth doing.

We hope your relationship brings you and your

partner all the joy you desire.

With best wishes,

James Skinner, Roice Krueger, Mark Victor Hansen

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